What to do teenager does not want anything. How does puberty affect children's learning? Causes of teen depression

The well-known phrase “It is not harmful to want, it is harmful not to want” can be used as an epigraph to this article. It is the problem of not striving for something often that is the cause.

Of course, parents are mainly concerned about the unwillingness of the child to learn. The topic of school performance is, of course, very important and really serious, and therefore requires a separate discussion. In this article, we will consider a situation in which a teenager does not want anything at all. At first sight...

Activity motivation

An interesting detail: the more a parent wants something from a child, the more that child wants nothing. And it turns out that the parent solves an impossible task: how to find some kind of cunning pedagogical technique to force, force the child to do at least something. Regarding the success of this task, the proverb is recalled: "You can drag a horse into the water, but you cannot make it drink."

The harder you push, the stronger the resistance. And the task is precisely not to press, but to find the cause of resistance and remove it.

The mistake of the parent is that he wants, and not the child.

Here is the secret! It is not the parent who says: “I want him, he (she) needs it,” but the teenager says: “I want it, I need it.” But “to want” is a skill that needs to be developed. Although often you just need not to drown out the child's desire to learn something new with hyper-custody.

From a young age, a child must be taught to listen to himself, his desires, to understand what is good for him, what is bad. Encourage and develop curiosity, the desire to imitate adults, involve them in joint activities, develop self-service skills.

After all, the despair of parents is really understandable when a 13–15-year-old “healthy forehead” of any gender cannot (not used to) clean up a dirty plate, does not take care of his clothes, he does not have any. And still does not want to study, is not interested in anything and has no clear desires. But at first it's all laid by the parents. They didn’t accustom them to responsibility, they didn’t teach, they didn’t set boundaries, they protected them from everything (including household duties), they didn’t let them want and try themselves in different things. And now - a logical result: by adolescence, the child does not know how and does not want to. If you forbid, decide and answer for the child, then where will he get conscious desires, skills and responsibility?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Parental knowledge about what is best for my child is necessary for a one-year-old child, it is important - from a year to three, from three to seven - “rests at times”, from 7 to 12-13 - is used in extreme cases. And already over 13 years old - it is applied only if the teenager himself asked for help.

Why doesn't my child want anything?

When asking why my child doesn't want anything, ask yourself, “What did I do wrong? Maybe the child had some desires and interests, but they seemed to me stupid, empty, or simply untimely? I forbade it and my child just didn’t want to or couldn’t resist me?”

Wishing him only the best, you prevent him from developing! Ask the child what he wants, what he thinks about this, give the opportunity to do something, even if it doesn’t work out, even if, in your opinion, it’s wrong. Let him make a mistake, let him face the negative consequences of his action or inaction.

Only by trying, learning, realizing, a person gets to know himself, his desires, opportunities, strengths and weaknesses.

If you have controlled a child since childhood, it will be very difficult to give up control. Don't expect things to get better in a week. You are not used to this, and a teenager, having lived to be 14, 15, 16, 17 years old, does not know how it is to be responsible for himself.

Knowing what is best for someone (even if it is your own child) is the only knowledge that can cripple life. Sounds harsh, but it's true! Don't make this mistake.

Irina Ivannikova

Why doesn't he want anything?

Katerina Demina, a consultant psychologist, a specialist in child psychology, wrote an excellent article in which she answers this, perhaps now the most pressing question of parents.

There are, of course, a lot of letters - however, we believe that all parents of teenagers would be good to read and feel.

This phenomenon has gained momentum in the last seven years. A whole generation of young people has grown up who "want nothing." No money, no career, no personal life. They sit for days at computers, they are not interested in girls (perhaps just a little, so as not to strain).

They are not going to work at all. As a rule, they are satisfied with the life that already exists - the parental apartment, a little money for cigarettes, beer. Not more. What's wrong with them?

Sasha was brought in for a consultation by her mother. An excellent 15-year-old guy, the dream of any girl: athletic, tongue suspended, not rude, eyes alive, vocabulary not like Ellochka the cannibal, plays tennis and the guitar. Mom's main complaint, just a cry of a tortured soul: "Well, why doesn't he want anything?"

History details

What does "nothing" mean, I ask. Nothing at all? Or does he still want to eat, sleep, walk, play, watch a movie?
It turns out that Sasha does not want to do anything from the list of "normal" things for a teenager. That is:

1. Learn;

2. Work;

3. Go to courses

4. Date girls;

5. Help mom with housework;

6. And even go on vacation with mom.

Mom is sad and desperate. A hefty man has grown up, and the use of him is like a goat's milk. Mom all her life for him, everything is only for his good, she denied herself everything, took on any job, took classes, took expensive classes, sent them to language camps abroad - and he first sleeps until dinner, then turns on the computer and until plays with toys at night. And she hoped that he would grow up, and she would feel better.

I keep asking. Who is the family made up of? Who makes money in it? What are the functions of whom?

It turns out that Sasha's mother has been alone for a long time, she divorced when he was five years old, "his father was just the same couch potato, maybe it's genetically transmitted?" She works, she works hard, because she has to support three people (herself, grandmother and Sasha), she comes home at night, deadly tired.

The house rests on the grandmother, she is engaged in housekeeping, and she watches over Sasha. Only here is the trouble - Sasha completely got out of hand, does not obey his grandmother, does not even snarl, he simply misses his ears.
He goes to school when he wants to, when he doesn't want to, he doesn't. He's threatened by the army, but doesn't seem to care one bit. He does not make the slightest effort to study even a little better, although all the teachers unanimously say that he has a golden head and abilities.

A school from the elite, state-owned, with a history. But in order to stay in it, you have to take tutors in the main subjects. And all the same, deuces in a quarter, they can be excluded.

She doesn’t do anything around the house, she doesn’t even wash a cup after herself, a grandmother with a stick is forced to carry heavy bags of groceries from the store, and then she carries food to his computer on a tray.

“Well, what is the matter with him? Mom is almost crying. “I gave my whole life to him.”

Boy

Next time I see Sasha alone. Indeed, a good boy, handsome, fashionably and expensively dressed, but not defiantly. Some are too good. He's kind of lifeless. A picture in a girls' magazine, a glamorous prince, if only there was a pimple somewhere, or something.

He is friendly, polite with me, with all his appearance he demonstrates openness and willingness to cooperate. Ugh, I feel like a character in an American teen TV series: the main character is at the reception of a psychoanalyst. I want to say something to mom. Okay, let's remember who the pros are here.
You won’t believe it, he practically reproduces his mother’s text word for word. A 15-year-old boy says like a school teacher: “I'm lazy. My laziness prevents me from achieving my goals. And I’m also very unassembled, I can stare at one point and sit like that for an hour.

And what do you want yourself?

He doesn't want anything special. The school is boring, the lessons are stupid, although the teachers are cool, the best. No close friends, no girlfriend either. There are no plans.

That is, he is not going to make humanity happy in any of the 1539 ways known to civilization, he does not plan to become a megastar, he does not need wealth, career growth and achievements. He doesn't need anything at all. Thank you, we have everything.

Slowly, a picture begins to emerge, I won’t say that it is very unexpected for me.

From about the age of three, Sasha has been studying. First preparation for school, swimming and English. Then I went to school - equestrian sport was added.

Now, in addition to studying at the Mathematical Lyceum, he attends English courses at MGIMO, two sports sections and a tutor. He doesn’t walk in the yard, he doesn’t watch TV - there is no time. The computer that my mother complains about so much is played only during the holidays, and even then not every day.

Why doesn't he want anything?

Formally, all these activities were voluntarily chosen by Sasha. But when I ask what he would like to do if he didn't have to study, he says "play the guitar." (Options heard from other respondents: play football, play on the computer, do nothing, just walk). Play. Let's remember this answer and move on.

What's up with him

You know, I have three such clients a week. Almost every appeal about a boy aged 13 to 19 is about this: he doesn’t want anything.

In each such case, I see the same picture: an active, energetic, ambitious mother, an absent father, at home or a grandmother, or nannies-housekeepers. More often than not, my grandmother.

The family system is distorted: the mother takes the role of a man in the house. She is the breadwinner, she makes all the decisions, she is in contact with the outside world, she protects, if necessary. But she is not at home, she is in the fields and on the hunt.

The fire in the hearth is supported by the grandmother, only she does not have the levers of power in relation to their “common” child, he may not obey, and be rude. If it were mom and dad, dad would come home from work in the evening, mom would complain to him about the inappropriate behavior of his son, dad would kick him - and all the love. And here you can complain, but there is no one to beat.

Mom tries to give her son everything, everything: the most fashionable entertainment, the most necessary educational tools, any gifts and purchases. The son is not happy. And again and again this refrain sounds: "does not want anything."

And after a while, the question just starts to itch inside me: “And when does he want something? If for a long time my mother wanted everything for him, she dreamed, planned and did it.
That's when a five-year-old kid sits at home alone, rolls a typewriter on a carpet, plays, growls, buzzes, builds bridges and fortresses - at this moment, desires begin to emerge and mature in him, at first vague and unconscious, gradually forming into something concrete: I want a big fire station car with people. Then he waits for mom or dad from work, expresses his desire and receives an answer. Usually: "Be patient until the New Year (birthday, payday)."

And you have to wait, endure, dream about this car before going to bed, look forward to the happiness of owning, imagine it (still a car) in all details. Thus, the child learns to contact his inner world in terms of desires.

And what about Sasha (and all the other Sashas I deal with)? I wanted to - I wrote a text message to my mother, I sent it - my mother ordered it via the Internet - they brought it in the evening.

Or vice versa: why do you need this car, your lessons have not been done, you have read two pages of a speech therapy primer? Once - and cut off the beginning of the tale. All. Dreaming is no longer possible.

These boys really have everything: the latest smartphones, the latest jeans, trips to the sea four times a year. But they don’t have the opportunity to just kick the bulldozer. Meanwhile, boredom is the most creative state of the soul, without it it is impossible to invent an occupation for oneself.

The child must be bored and bored, so that there is a need to move and act. And he is deprived of even the most elementary right to decide whether to go to the Maldives or not. Mom has already decided everything for him.

Many parents children aged 10-14 "suddenly" begin to notice that their child not only grew up and matured, but also became unrestrained, aggressive and wayward. “The child seems to have been replaced,” they complain. He has become simply unbearable, we don’t know what to do with him?

In recent years has grown an entire generation of teenagers who sit at the computer all day and do not want to do anything. They are not interested in girls, they do not want to study and help their parents around the house, and they do not want to hear about any circles, sports and communication with friends. Their whole life takes place within the walls of the parental apartment, and relations with other family members develop very poorly for them.

Entering adolescence changes every child. Against the background of hormonal changes in the body in girls at 10-11 years old, and in boys at 12-14 years old, the processes of inhibition in the brain are slow, and excitation, on the contrary, is very fast. Therefore, any little thing annoys children of adolescence very quickly, but after they “start up” it is already very difficult to slow them down. They like to cling to words and take offense at others for no reason. At school, teenagers become less attentive, remembering only what they are interested in and not loading their memory with information that they are bored with. The bones and muscles of adolescence grow unevenly, so many of them look awkward and unattractive.

Hormonal surges make teenagers live in constant tension and change. Either it seems to them that life is full of joy and happiness, then they suddenly fall into apathy and cry, believing that they have been undeservedly offended or disliked. The emotional instability of character is especially pronounced in adolescent girls, in connection with the onset of the menstrual cycle.

With an introduction in adolescence girls are most interested in how they look and whether boys can like them. And if she notices that she has small breasts, thin legs or a hooked nose, then this is all that can cause a loss of interest in life. A sore subject of adolescent boys is short stature, so dads of small boys should patiently explain to a teenager that they themselves at his age were shorter than all the girls in the class.

Modern living conditions put parents in such conditions that they are forced to spend most of the day at work, and they do not have enough time to communicate with the child. As a result, many parents, coming home from work late at night and finding their child sitting at the computer, do not ask him: “How are you, are you okay?”, But in a menacing voice they say: “How long can you sit at the computer? straight, don't slouch! Have you already done your homework?"

Problem with teenagers does not arise in parents who, from childhood, were accustomed to trusting their child and did not have the habit of controlling him unnecessarily. Already from childhood, they communicate with the child on an equal footing, do not flirt with him and do not require him to unconditionally obey adults. A child in such a family understands well that his parents will forgive him any mistakes and oversights. Therefore, in adolescence, as well as in childhood, he shares his experiences and thoughts with his parents, and does not try to avoid communicating with them.

teen dope does not manifest itself in those children whom parents have taught a sense of responsibility and hard work. In addition to cleaning the house and shopping for groceries, these children find time to play sports and attend various hobby groups.

If child since childhood he was only used to playing, eating and sleeping, then in adolescence he will be indifferent to everything. Here you should not be surprised if, for all your attempts to involve him in housework, he simply "sends" you. He is not used to working and believes that his parents should look after him, and now, when he feels strong, this also amuses him. It is useless to blame the child for laziness and scolding, trying to arouse the remnants of conscience in him, because you will only make him more aggressive.

To start try just talk to a teenager, tell him how your work day went and how tired you are. Referring to fatigue, ask him to help you wash the dishes. If the reaction of the child is positive, then continue to behave with the child also friendly. Keep secrets with him, share your thoughts and impressions. Very soon, a teenager himself will want to tell you about his life and relationships with peers, listening to him, never make comments and lectures to him. Do not scold him, do not criticize or demand a change in behavior.

Any moralizing and advice will only make him close, and teenagers like to communicate only with those who understand them well and love them for who they are. But laughing and rejoicing when a teenager tells you about how he took something away from a small child, of course, should not be. In this case, you need to seriously talk with him and find ways to form his right attitude to life. You may have to turn to a psychologist for help, but parents are obliged to help a teenager avoid repeating mistakes.

If you are looking for an answer to question: "Why doesn't a teenager want anything?", then look at your life from the outside. Parental example is the most important thing in raising a child. If you love work, never lose heart, know how to rejoice and communicate, then your children will have an optimistic outlook on life. The children of those parents who constantly complain about life, like to lie in bed or sit with a bottle of beer in front of the TV, do not want to do anything, instead of taking a walk or going to the theater together with a teenager. The positive attitude of parents for the future and their faith in the fulfillment of all dreams will certainly affect the worldview of a teenager and teach him to find interesting aspects of life.

© unsplash.com

One of the most common complaints of teen parents is: “He doesn't want anything. Lying on the couch all day staring at the screen. We understand why this is happening, together with the psychological center for teenagers "Tochka".

Sometimes it seems that the child is not interested in anything at all: he does not want to study, does not want to go to classes, he is also not interested in earning money. At the same time, you can also not count on cleaning the apartment or helping around the house. He sits in the room for hours and chats with his friends. This, of course, infuriates parents, and they begin to deprive them of pocket money or issue ultimatums. But that doesn't help either. The teenager shrugs and locks himself in the room again. Why is this happening?

He wants, but not at all what parents expect

The teenager stopped studying, he is too lazy to go to school and to circles. When you ask him about the future, he does not know what he wants to do and does not worry much about it. But with pleasure he spends hours at the computer or on the phone. Or hanging out with the guys "on the block." But such desires of parents do not suit at all.

Parents want instead of the teenager himself

This usually happens if the family system supports the merge. The process of separation and detection of boundaries is frightening, as a result of which contact is difficult. Then you can hear from the parent of a 13-16-year-old teenager “we don’t want to study at all”, “we are not interested in anything”. And the energy of action, interest - are placed not in a teenager, but in his parent. Like in that joke: “Mom, am I cold or hungry?”

He has depression

This can be caused by a number of factors: difficulties in accepting yourself and your body, treating yourself as unsuccessful and worthless, difficult contact with peers, etc. But it may look like a teenager is simply not interested in anything, and he rejects all the wonderful parent ideas. Then you can start to get annoyed and even angry, thinking that this is “for evil” for us, or accusing that you don’t want to do anything. But that usually only makes things worse.

Teen is fed up

Everything is in his life. Fashionable clothes, new computer games, etc. In general, you don’t even need to start discovering your desire, it will be instantly fulfilled. Loving and caring parents, adoring grandparents. There is a so-called "psychological gluttony", and the needs are mixed and cease to differ. Then instead of interest and curiosity, boredom appears.

My son is in the tenth grade, he abandoned his studies, he says he will take up his mind next year, and now he wants to take a break. The main thing for him is friends, classmates and alcohol. Khamit does not help around the house, does not want to communicate with his family. I ask you to go to my grandmother for the anniversary, I explain that this is very important for her, - she answers that he does not care, he is going to a friend's birthday. And this despite the fact that he always had an excellent trusting relationship with his grandmother. Constantly brings me to tears. I'm desperate. I understand that I brought up a boor, an egoist and a consumer ...

Anastasia, 38 years old

The problem you are describing is quite typical. Parents try to get obedience from grown-up children and fall into despair if they fail to do so. And the children, in response, in all ways, often frankly defiant and provocative, demonstrate their right to think and act differently than adults want. In this confrontation, there may be one-time victories of one side or the other, but in the end everyone loses. The only way is to negotiate. Parents must recognize that children have become adults, and children must realize that there are no rights without duties and responsibilities.

For teenagers, honesty and justice are important. Tell your son how you feel when he is rude to you. Ask: is it fair when one person does household chores for everyone? Why can't you afford to rest and not work for a year, but he can? Ask your son for help, offer to take on some of the responsibilities. For your part, commit to respect his opinion and territory. The boy must feel that you accept his right to make decisions. If you do not agree with something, do not press, but discuss. Respecting your son's opinion, give strong arguments in defense of your point of view. This will teach the boy to defend his position not with rudeness, but with argumentation.

The fact that the son prefers communication with peers to meetings with relatives is quite natural in adolescence. But this is abused by those who do not feel the recognition of their freedom in the family. Then everything forbidden and condemned by parents (alcohol, night walks with friends) becomes especially desirable. This is how a teenager demonstrates his maturity. And this is another topic for discussions and agreements.

Of course, you have the right to set strict limits, but you need to give your son the right to decide for himself how to act within these limits. The achievement of consensus largely depends on the reasonableness of the restrictions. In the situation with the grandmother's anniversary, it might be worth giving the son the right to decide where he will go, while explaining how rarely anniversaries happen and how important this event is for the grandmother.

If the boy agreed to go to his grandmother, it would be worthwhile not only to express respect to him, but also to sympathize with the fact that he is forced to miss his friend's birthday. If the son chose a friend’s birthday, it was worth agreeing that he himself would call his grandmother, explain everything to her and tell her when he would come to congratulate her.

Do not despair, gain strength, patience, wisdom and build new relationships with your grown-up son. This is the most important thing for you and for him.