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How to explain the divorce of parents to a child in an accessible way. How to tell children about the divorce of parents: advice from a psychologist

Ekaterina Kozhevnikova

Reading time: 2 minutes

Divorce is always a painful and difficult event. But the combination called "divorce and children" makes this turning point in the life of the family even more difficult and traumatic for all involved. Divorce and the breakup of a family for a child can be the collapse of his world, and for parents who understand this, the stress they experience at this difficult stage of life is multiplied many times over. For their own personal reasons, they no longer want and cannot live together as spouses, but at the same time they suffer from the fact that they are forced to inflict pain on an innocent little man. However, the child’s anxieties and negative consequences for his psyche, attitude and later life can be minimized if you tell him correctly about the divorce and behave correctly during and after the divorce process.

There is no single recipe that will immediately make a baby or an impulsive teenager calmly respond to impending changes. But one thing must always be taken into account - the fault in quarrels cannot be only on one, both parents are wrong in something.

A child is a priori an innocent party with the status of an observer - apart from “I want you to make peace”, it is unlikely that he will express a different opinion to his mother and father. Awareness of one's powerlessness can greatly increase the likelihood of a child of any age developing an inferiority complex, which will have an impact on his further formation as a person.

What does a child feel when parents divorce?

To understand how to tell a child about a divorce, many factors need to be taken into account: the degree of tension in the family (“civilization” of the divorce), the level of the child’s trust in his parents, his age and character. It should also be taken into account that children communicate with each other in the same kindergarten or school - they can tell the news to friends and collectively come to the most unexpected conclusions.

Children's perception of the world is fundamentally different from that of an adult, so children can react in completely unpredictable ways.

Ideally, the news will be received calmly and without hysterics. But if everything is in order with the psychological state of the child, then it is necessary to prepare for a mass of questions (and they will not be asked all at once), to which the mother and father will have to give clear and clear answers. This is an indicator that the baby is trying to form his own opinion about what happened, without hanging a label of guilt on someone alone.

Telling a child that their parents are getting divorced is not easy. Perhaps such a conversation will become one of the most difficult in your life. Even if adults understand that divorce is inevitable, they constantly quarrel or have already left, children cannot even imagine the breakup of the family. After all, they have lived with you since birth, this is natural for them, but it cannot be otherwise.

Many people think that divorce is a matter of life, soon everything will work out, and in a couple of years the child will forget what he was told. Psychologists explain that the decisive conversation will be stored in the memory forever. There is no way to make the divorce of mom and dad painless for the child. There is no universal method that would allow the child to more easily survive the separation of their parents. It is possible to formulate certain rules of conduct, which often help, only they need to be adjusted taking into account the characteristics of the family.

When should you tell your child about your parents' divorce?

It is better to inform the child about the upcoming divorce 2-3 weeks in advance. By this time, you will already be sure of your decision, and your child will have time to adapt to the changes. Just as important, he won't feel left out.

Don't start a conversation in a hurry - on the way to school, in the morning when you are going to work, or in the evening before bed. Pick a day off to chat. Then both mom and dad will have the opportunity to calm the child and answer the questions that he will definitely have.

Team up for a conversation with a child

Despite the problems in the relationship, parents should discard the resentment that has arisen, reproaches, and together calmly tell the child about what is happening. Even if divorce is the initiative of one of the spouses, tell the child that this is your common decision. Use the pronoun “we” more often when explaining why you are getting a divorce and how you will all live now.

Remember that now is not the time to get upset and bombard each other with mutual accusations. This conversation is not for you, but only for the well-being of your child. He must remain confident that the parents are still acting in concert. Therefore, adults should agree in advance on how to behave during an important conversation.

Talk to all children at once

If you have more than one child, bring them all together to talk about divorce. If you are afraid that the elder will scare the younger with his reaction (and schoolchildren understand the essence of divorce better than kids), talk to each separately. However, be that as it may, both parents should talk to the child at the same time.

Explain simply and concisely

No matter how old the child is, you need to tell him about the divorce honestly and in simple words. Do not speak in hints, do not blame each other, do not make excuses and do not remember mutual insults. Children also have the right to know what is happening in their family, so calmly explain to them why you are getting a divorce, do not hide anything. A complex and verbose statement of reasons will only confuse them. You can say, for example, like this: “Your dad and I often fought, so we decided that we could no longer live together. It's a tough decision, but we made it together. It's not your fault, we both love you, just like before."

It is important for children to know how their life will change, whether it will remain stable and safe. Be sure to tell them that you will continue to take care of them: help with homework, walk, go on vacation together. Explain how often the child will now see the second parent, discuss how birthdays, concerts, and other joint events will be held.

How much to talk about the divorce, it's up to you. In any case, remember that the main thing is to tell the child the truth. If he begins to worry, express concerns, honestly answer his questions. If you yourself don’t know something yet, gently explain that everything will be fine, you will find a way out of this situation.

What else does a child need to know about divorce?

Both parents - both mom and dad - will be happier after a divorce.
Although the parents will no longer be husband and wife to each other, for the child they will forever remain loving mom and dad.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters will still be family, so relations with them will remain the same.
The child will have 2 houses at once, where he will always be welcomed and loved.
Nobody is to blame for divorce, it just happens sometimes in adults.

Ideally, you should try to make sure that the child can continue to love each parent without fear of betraying the other. This becomes a difficult task for many couples who get divorced. However, it is very important to strive for this so as not to cause psychological trauma to the child.

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What can't be said?

There is no point in denying that divorce is a sad event for the whole family, but it will be good if you manage to maintain good and respectful relations with each other. If one of the parents, during the explanation, begins to lose his temper or scare the child in some other way, the second must save the situation. Dad can say this: “Mom is very upset, it’s hard for all of us. Let's take a break and talk a bit later." Be lenient if your husband or wife is unable to handle the situation. You started this difficult conversation for the sake of children who are having a very hard time.

Since you have decided to tell your child about the divorce, do not give him false hopes that the parents will get back together.
Do not scold, do not insult your husband / wife in the presence of children.
If possible, avoid the phrase “we don’t love each other anymore,” otherwise it will seem to the child that someday you will stop loving him too.
Do not interfere in the child's relationship with your husband / wife, do not manipulate, forcing you to choose a "bad" and "good" parent. Do not put pressure on the child, forcing him to take your side.
Protect kids from unpleasant details - from information about cheating, money problems. Explain the divorce in general terms, without trying to denigrate or make the spouse a victim.
Don't take your kids into legal matters.
Do not escalate the child's emotions by constantly reminding about divorce, talking about life after it.
Never ask a child who he loves more.
Do not use children as intermediaries in your relationship with your husband/wife.
Do not cajole a child with gifts and indulgences in discipline, trying to make amends for the "guilt" for the divorce.

Child's reaction

Even if their parents' relationship has deteriorated for a long time, the children hope to the last that they will be able to make peace and stay together. Therefore, you should not think that it will be possible to prepare the younger family members for a divorce so that it will be absolutely painless for them.

Older children are easier to endure the separation of mom and dad than kids. However, even at 20 and 30 years old, people can be very worried about the destruction of their parents' family, so they also need to be told about the upcoming divorce delicately.

If the children are small, you need to take into account their features:

Toddlers and preschool children are often baffled by the news of divorce. Due to stress, they often have problems - insomnia, nightmares. Babies sometimes develop bedwetting that they have never experienced before. It happens that long after a divorce, children get upset and worry when they meet a parent who no longer lives with them.
A child of primary school age can fantasize for a long time, dream that parents will be able to reconcile one day. So talk to your child about what is happening and why. He really needs explanations and your support.
Older children understand the situation better. They are often more angry than babies, and take offense for a long time. Many become strongly attached to one of the parents and completely take his side.
Adolescence is a time of drastic changes in life and the search for one's identity, friends, and future. During this period, the divorce of parents becomes the collapse of the whole world, although right now stability and constancy are extremely important. Everything else begins to seem to a teenager unreliable, doubtful. Therefore, the separation of mom and dad often causes psychological trauma even to an adult child.

Children react to the news of their parents' divorce in different ways, so be prepared for anything: tantrums, tears, ignoring the situation. Some bombard mom and dad with questions. Others are silent and do not show their emotions at all - such children need an incentive to speak frankly with their parents on a sore subject a little later. Don't force this difficult conversation. Try asking a leading question - perhaps the child himself will want to express what he feels. Ask what the child thinks about the changes in plans and daily routine after the divorce. Ask your child if he has friends whose parents are divorced and how they live.

Toddlers still do not know how to clearly express their feelings, thoughts and experiences. Therefore, it is important to gently and naturally bring them to the conversation. To understand what is happening in the soul of the crumbs, watch his mood.

Listen to children, encourage conversations in which they talk about what they think. The sadness of thinking about the divorce of parents is sometimes much stronger for them than adults imagine. Every child is naturally self-centered, so the prospect of transferring to another school or being separated from friends may become their main concern. Be sure to discuss these points.

It takes time to understand the situation. Therefore, during the decisive conversation, and after it, mom and dad need to remain open to communication. It is important to respond to the emotional needs of the child.

If you can’t find the right words, don’t be afraid to seek help from a good psychologist. It will help you and your children cope with difficulties and learn to see the future as positive. lose weight by 20 kilograms, and, finally, get rid of the terrible complexes of overweight people. I hope the information is useful to you!

Mom and dad decided to get a divorce ... If before that everything was fine in the family and both parents took part in raising the child, then the news of the divorce will not only be a blow to him, but can also cause serious psychological trauma. To avoid this, parents must correctly explain to the child why they will no longer live together, and support him in this situation. How to do this, tell I am a parent.

How to build a conversation with a child?

The child should be informed only when the final decision on divorce has been made (an application has been submitted), and not after an emotional quarrel. If divorce is not an intention or a reflection, but already an inevitability, the child must be informed about this, but try not to go into details, that is, give as much information as is necessary and sufficient. The older the child, the more explanation and discussion will be required.

Children under three years of age, first of all, pay attention to emotions and intonations, while words are still in the background for him, so parents will need to make every effort to stabilize their internal state, otherwise anxiety will be transmitted to the child.

After three years, the child already needs explanations. From three to six (at preschool age), the child tends to take the reason for the parents' divorce personally. It is very important in this situation to explain to the child that the relationship has changed only between mom and dad, but they still love him and he is not to blame for the breakup.

It is desirable for both parents to speak with the child at once. And it is better that the position of mom and dad is consistent. Let there be no more marital affection between you, as you are forever connected by common children. A friendly and respectful atmosphere is a necessary foundation for your child's calmness and constructive "digestion" of this news.

The most important preparation is the preparation for the conversation between yourself and your partner. The child reads the state of the parent primarily on the bodily and emotional levels. Thus, if you, going into a conversation, will worry about how the child will perceive the news, you will be nervous, fiddling with something in your hands, your voice will tremble, then the complex experiences of the child will intensify.

It doesn't take long to talk about the breakup itself. Try to focus on the information that will calm the child: “Dad is leaving, but you will see him almost as often as before”, “Dad is leaving, but he will call you every day and talk to you for a long time.”

Think about what you can offer the child in the new environment, try to be truthful and talk about those obligations that you are sure of.

Psychologist Ekaterina Kadieva wrote very well and correctly about divorce and its impact on the child's psyche. According to her, there are rules that must be followed when telling a child about divorce. And here are some of them.

Firstly, divorce in the family is a mutual, voluntary decision of both parents, no one is forcing anyone.
Secondly, you need to explain to the child that the decision to divorce is final, and no one and nothing can change it.
It should also be explained to the child that he is absolutely not to blame for the fact that the parents disperse, and none of his actions will be able to influence their decision. Often children think that it was they who caused the fact that mom no longer lives with dad.

The main mistakes of parents

1. Pretend like nothing is happening or hide the problem.

The child will still see changes (in relationships, emotions, habitual mode). If a parent behaves as if nothing had happened or invents tales, such as "dad went on a long-term business trip", then the child may lose a basic sense of security, trust in the world and parents.

2. Go into details or speak too generally/abstractly.

No need to discuss the details of partnerships and "adult" reasons why you decided to break up. But at the same time, you should avoid vague phrases like “we are not suitable for each other.” Children need specific indicators of a problem that they understand. For example, “You noticed that we quarrel with dad very often.”

3. Insult a partner, swear during a conversation.

In a divorce situation, I really want to throw out resentment, blame the other half for all the sins. But the responsibility for divorce lies with both parents.

There is no need to denigrate mom / dad in the eyes of the child and arrange scenes in his presence with a showdown. Nothing but harm to the psyche of the child, it will not bring.

In addition, there may be a reverse effect: the parent who criticizes and blames his partner will cause a negative attitude. Also, there is no need to compare the child with a partner in a negative context (“you are the same as your father / your mother!”), Because in this situation there is a message of splitting the child’s personality into male and female components, where one of them is a negative figure. As a result, the skills corresponding to this figure are lost: empathy, acceptance, tenderness, if the female figure is denied; decisiveness, progressiveness, achievements, if the male figure is denied.

4. Discuss the issue of divorce in the presence of third parties or spontaneously (on emotions).

The conversation should take place in an atmosphere comfortable for the child, face to face. Grandparents, close friends are not the best company for such conversations. Ask the close circle to be tactful in this situation and not discuss the issue of the parents' divorce with the child (and even more so before the parents themselves do it).

5. Leave the child alone with experiences.

Of course, the divorce of parents is a big stress for the child, so it should not be left out of sight for this period. You need to try to spend more time with your child - to communicate on various topics, to go somewhere together. But to do this unobtrusively, very delicately, rather observing, rather than pestering with questions. If the child does not ask questions, it is better not to raise the topic once again, but to wait until he himself becomes the initiator of the conversation. Just be there and be ready to answer questions.

And finally...

As a rule, it is very important that he does not lose his emotional connection with his father, then he will not feel abandoned and inferior. If the relationship between father and child has been successful before, then most likely you will not have to look for reasons to meet.

In the event that the father was not close to the child, the mother does not need to make this gap even larger. On the contrary, you need to try to focus on what still united the child and the father. What occupation caused mutually pleasant impressions? Maybe playing hockey or collecting city coins? Let the child continue to be carried away by what his father infected him with.

Another example: the husband valued work more than relationships in the family, which, in fact, became the cause of discord. Try to turn this situation so that it becomes useful for the child. It is necessary to show your ex-husband that your common child needs to acquire such qualities as hard work, determination, endurance, and that your spouse is the best example of this and will be able to pass this on to him. Let the father teach this to the child, and then they will remain close.

Irina Korneeva

Don't shout "Wolves!"

It was not always easy to get a divorce, and it used to stop the spouses, although it did not always improve the climate in the family. Now the possibility of divorce is often a way of manipulation, pressure of spouses on each other, a method of achieving the desired result. Very often, spouses threaten each other with divorce, completely without meaning to such an intention, and they “scare” each other with this in the presence of children, which is completely unacceptable.

Such behavior resembles in its effect the well-known fairy tale by L. Tolstoy about a shepherd boy who had fun calling his fellow villagers by shouting “Wolves!”. Recall that when the wolves really came, the neighbors, accustomed to “false alarms”, no longer believed the boy. This often happens in family life, when strong means, “heavy artillery” of psychological influence are used too often - spouses who could well agree, in the heat of their own mistakes, are still forced to divorce.

Prepare for the conversation

If your decision to divorce is final, and you see no other way out of this situation, the first serious task that arises before you is How tell the kids about it. This is a very important moment in the development of your future relationship, both with your ex-husband and with your children, and you need to take it with all your attention. It is clear that children should not lie. On the other hand, it is clear that sometimes it is impossible to tell the whole truth about your relationship without hurting the child. Think over the arguments with which you will motivate your child to change in your family. Let's try one more thing first.

To understand this, do one more small psychological exercise

Divide a sheet of paper in half, as you did before, write “-” and “+”. And write what you hope to gain from the divorce for yourself and your children and what you expect to lose. Irina A. performed this exercise in a psychological consultation as follows.

1. I will not have a husband - the father of the child

1. I will often invite friends whom my children love so much

2. There will be no one to help around the house

2. There will be no quarrels because children have few responsibilities.

3. I will spend less time at home

3. I will see my friends more often

4. You have to take care of the money yourself

4. Quit a low-paying job

5. Who needs me? I have long been...

5. Go on romantic adventures

6. Everything will fall on my shoulders

6. I will raise my daughter in the right way

7. We'll have to come up with something with a summer vacation

7. Finally spending the summer with my daughter not at my mother-in-law's

8. The house will be empty

8. Finally, the daughter will have her own corner

Take a close look at the right half of the sheet. Perhaps you want to add something else? Fold the sheet in half lengthwise so that the left side is not visible to you. The one on the right is the arguments for divorce, which you must reproduce to your children. It is on these foundations that you will build your future life.

Take a look at the condition of your child. Usually children feel very well when clouds are gathering in the house, even if they cannot understand what the matter is. In order to identify feelings of fear or anxiety in him, as well as unspoken desires and expectations that you may not know exist, invite him to complete the following story.

Psychological exercise “News”

The text of the tale: “One boy (or girl, if you have a daughter in your family) returns from a walk (or from school, from the yard where he played football, from the house of friends or relatives - choose the most appropriate situation for your child), and Mom says to him: “Finally you came. I have some news to tell you, “What news does Mom want to tell him?”

Typical responses of a child who has no fears: “A guest will come to dinner”, “Guests will come”, “Someone called and told good news (invitation to visit, recovery, birth of a child, etc.), “Mom wants a boy sat down to study or took a bath”, “Mom learned something important on TV or radio”.

Responses to pay special attention to: “Someone in the family has died”, “Mom wants to scold the boy who should not have gone out that day”, “Mom wants to forbid something to the boy”, “Mom is angry, because the boy was late and she wants to tell him that she won't let him out again."

If your child gave an answer similar to the answers from the second group, this indicates high anxiety, and in this case it makes sense to quickly clarify your family situation and conduct a conversation about future changes even more psychologically accurately.

So, let's think again about the tactics of the conversation - about what words, in what form to inform the child about the divorce. To avoid mistakes, you need to follow some simple but important rules.

The right words

What should elders rely on when talking with children? Pay attention to three psychological "lighthouses".

1. Focus on the future. It is better if you digress a little from the sad reality and mentally move into the future to that point on the time axis, from which all current changes seem insignificant, and your experiences and problems are just trifles .. Think and talk not about what is happening now, but about what will happen in a few years.

2. Building a favorable outlook. Think and talk about the best things you get from a divorce and what you expect from life in general, even if it's not that much. Be ready to accept changes for the better - how much passes us by because we do not know how to read the signs that life gives! Therefore, enhance the best and weaken the worst - this is a useful rule not only for a serious conversation with a child!

3. Attitude to divorce as a passing event. No matter how you experience it and feel it yourself, your parental duty is to reduce the significance of what is happening in the life of a child. To do this, it is worth talking about other aspects of reality - about children's holidays, vacations, choosing a profession and other things that fill life and for some time will allow your family to stay afloat.

And now - a few specific wishes.

Should I talk to my child about divorce? Mandatory: constant omissions can lead to fears and other undesirable effects, especially since the child will find out about it sooner or later anyway. There is nothing shameful in the fact that your life has turned out this way.

At what age can a child be told about a divorce? From about 3 years old. It is enough for a preschooler to say that dad will no longer live with you, but you will sometimes go to your grandmother, and dad will come to you. You can say more to a teenager, but do not go into details (“I fell out of love, cheated, turned out to be a scoundrel”). The older and more mature the child, the more he can say. A teenager can guess what is happening even before the conversation, and it is better not to put it off for a long time so as not to lose the confidence of the child. If it is very small, then postpone the conversation until the moment when the child has questions about the father.

When to inform the child? Only when the event has already happened, or at least an unconditional decision has been made, and not precede the divorce by talking about it with the children.

Who should report the decision? The most correct thing if you do this is the mother of the child, because he will continue to live with you. If you do not tell him, there will always be a well-wisher who will tell him himself, but in other words, and trust in you will be lost. If in your family the recognized head is the father, then it is not bad if he will be present at the conversation or even conduct it himself - this will give the child confidence that the father will not remain outside family changes in the future.

In what form should you speak? Any difficult conversation should be started only when you are able to discuss everything calmly. The main thing to focus on is lifestyle changes. Leave, if you can, the emotional background of what is happening outside the conversation. However, to express regret rather than joy would be quite appropriate. Kindly and gently explain how your life together will be organized. This will remove the fear of the uncertainty of the future. "Everything will be fine! We will be happy together!" - the main thread of your discussion.

In what environment do you speak? You need to try to conduct this difficult conversation in a calm, friendly atmosphere. It is good to set up the child before the conversation, to spend free time together. Maybe go somewhere with him. Or, if the child is small, play some favorite games. It is important that you are mutually glad to this communication.

Then choose a time so that no one and nothing distracts you. Maybe this can be done at home, provided that dad is not in the next room, and in general, it is better that you are alone. If there are no conditions for a calm conversation at home, then you need to choose a secluded place where nothing will distract the child's attention. It can be a walk outside the city or a secluded corner of the park. The main thing is that there is no haste and understatement, and outsiders do not interfere with you.

Perhaps the child will have an acute reaction - tears, anger. You need to be ready for this. Someone needs to be caressed, try to distract with something, and someone needs to be left alone, but still be nearby.

Talk time . You should have enough time not to crumple the conversation. Look at the condition of the child, it is desirable that he does not get sick and feels good at this moment. He should not be tired in the evening or, conversely, unnaturally overexcited, for example, after outdoor games. It is important to know all this so that the “fatal” conversation does not have even greater negative consequences.

What to talk about, and what to keep silent about? It all depends on the age of the child. In any case, you need to clearly and easily explain the situation to him and paint the future in a positive light. You should not say anything discrediting your husband - that he did not know how to feed his family, it is better to remain silent about adultery. You should not talk about any cases when the actions of your husband humiliated your dignity. It is quite possible that the question "Why?" will not follow at all, because children tend to accept circumstances as they are.

How many times to speak? Usually one conversation is enough, but it should be serious and exhaustive. Do not turn the topic of divorce into an endless series, but also do not refuse to answer the child's questions if he has any. Be prepared for the fact that this topic will still arise in your later life.

Try to control yourself and refrain from the typical mistakes of divorcing parents. For this, remember three are not allowed:

You can’t blame a spouse with a child (for whom he is not a bad husband, but a dad).
You can not blame other relatives for what is happening (“Here are the results of the actions of your beloved grandmother ...”).
You can’t blame the child himself for what happened (“You behaved badly, got sick a lot, left home, smoked, didn’t help me ...”).

But before you start a conversation, you need to think over everything well again - how to clearly and truthfully explain to the children what happened between you and dad, how often dad will see them, where you will live, which of the relatives will visit your house more often than others . In order to more successfully conduct this difficult but necessary conversation, do the following:

Psychological exercise

Imagine that it has been 3 years since you got divorced. The most difficult period is behind us. Children have become more mature, more independent (how old will they be in 3 years?). And now the one that you will become in 3 years comes to you today, the current one - this is no longer you, but, as it were, your close friend. Of course, you have something to say to each other, there is something to ask. Talk to your future. Find out from your twin friend how your life has turned out, what are the main victories and accomplishments, what difficulties and disappointments you had (to be) experienced. Ask about the children - about their health, success, interests. Are they happy? Were you able to create a normal family for them? Try to see this picture as joyful. Maybe after three years you will be a married woman again? You will (or already have) a close, dear person. Will you improve your relationship with your ex-husband? How did you do it? Ask in more detail which of your steps were right in raising children, and which were wrong.

Return to the upcoming conversation with the children. Ask yourself tomorrow how it was necessary to talk to them about the divorce? Which arguments did they accept better than others, and which seemed far-fetched to them? This is a very useful internal dialogue.

Isn't it better to remain silent?

Very often, psychologists are confronted with the opinion of divorcing parents that it is better not to tell children at all that mom and dad will not live together. Many believe that if there is an opportunity to be silent, then you need to be silent for as long as possible. Children will grow up, they will understand what and how. Dad left on a business trip, and that's it. And even “better” - died. And no more words. It is not in the daily life of a child, and there is no reason to talk about it.

Usually, such a conviction arises from the fear of having a conversation with the child incorrectly, from the inability to express one's thoughts and feelings. But it's surmountable. Otherwise, there is still a risk that the “skeleton in the closet” will be found, and even at the most inopportune time. Most modern psychologists are of the opinion that, with the exception of the most “fatal” secrets, everything about the family should be known to the child (for example, even the secret of adopting a child is not always worth keeping forever). Children should represent their parents and more distant ancestors as living people with their inherent weaknesses and mistakes, and not as cold “role models”. Who knows, perhaps in the future, knowing about the sin of the father will make it easier for your children to survive their own family failures.

So, the silence about the important is a ticking time bomb. Sooner or later, it will explode, and the tension of waiting is more painful than the experiences that accompany the first difficult conversation. But even if you managed to conduct it psychologically competently, this does not mean that the child will not have new thoughts about the parental decision in the future and he will not want to discuss it with you. However, children sometimes find it difficult to put their feelings into words. Encourage them to talk. Try to talk calmly with each child about how they feel about your divorce. You can gradually discuss many issues. Eg:

1. What is he most afraid of in the world?

2. What did mom do wrong?

3. What did dad do wrong?

4. Does the child think that he himself did something wrong?

5. Is there anyone he would like to talk to?

6. Can he plan his own time to meet with his father, relatives, friends?

7. How would he prefer to spend holidays, holidays?

8. Can you, in the eyes of a child, be a better mother?

9. Is it possible for a father to become better?

10. What did the child like most about your life together? Didn't you like it?

11. During the time that you live alone, what good thing happened? What about bad?

12. Does the child cry when he is alone?