Parents need to pay more attention to their children. Advice for parents "Children lack attention

Irina Antonova
Advice for parents "Children lack attention"

CHILDREN LACKED ATTENTION

In 99 cases out of 100, the cause of disobedience, misunderstanding, tantrums and other difficulties in the relationship between parents and children, is not a child, but parents.

If the child does not obey you, the reason is in you, not in the child. You need to understand exactly your behavior, and only then think about how you can help the child.

So, the very first and main reason - lack of attention. No matter how trite it may sound. Think right now how often you pay attention to your child, if he does not scream, does not throw tantrums, fully acts the way you want it? Usually these children are not paid much attention to. attention. The child is busy with something, mom or dad are doing their own thing. This is the simplest situation that suits everyone, first of all parents.

Today it is very difficult to give a child much attention and time. Parents usually spend a lot of time at work. However, it is not necessary to spend 24 hours a day with a child in order for him to receive so much attention how much he needs. Just become a friend for him, a person who loves him under any circumstances, and whatever happens. Become someone who truly loves, appreciates and supports in any situation.

For children, the most important and valuable thing is to be loved. Plants reach for the sun in order to live. Also, our children are drawn to those who sincerely love and appreciate them. Therefore, if you show them your love, devotion, warmth and care, not in words, but in deeds, they will never commit an act that can upset you. And when making an important decision for them, they will first of all consult with you, and not with friends.

Many believe and teach people who are still on the steel parents that life after the birth of a child in the family does not change in any way. This is fundamentally wrong. With the advent of a new man in your life, everything changes. Everything that used to be in the first place goes to the background. For the next 15-18 years, the most important concern in your life is children.

Children are the greatest joy, but at the same time, the greatest responsibility. Children are what will stay with you forever. Friends, work, thoughts and beliefs, even a spouse can come and go, but children stay forever!

The hardest thing about raising and caring for children is giving up some, and sometimes many, activities that were important to you before. Gradually, you will give up everything that wastes your time.

Many couples, especially those who lived a long life together before the birth of a child, believe that it is possible to combine entertainment, hobbies, lead an active lifestyle, as before, and be beautiful. parents.

It's a delusion. Yes, without children, you can travel, communicate unlimited time with friends, girlfriends, relatives, engage in your favorite hobby, and so on. But when a child appears, there comes, if not the end of all this, then at least a temporary lull. This is absolutely normal and natural.

In fact, from the moment you have a baby, your life changes. All things go to the background. First of all, you now need to take care of the child. You and only you influence 99% of his character, development, feelings and emotions, in general, how his whole future life will turn out.

Every child, and yours is no exception, needs attention. This is a common truth, but few parents understand it.. And some people just forget.

Attention from parents- the same need of every child as the need for food and walks in the fresh air. Give your child as much as possible attention. Every day! Every spare minute!

How can you give so much attention how much does a child need?

Of course, the answer suggests itself - to increase the number of attention. Easy to say but hard to do! And how to determine this level?

We all work, we have a lot to do, both men and women. Millions of women around the world go to work every day, cook breakfast, lunch and dinner, wash and iron, clean. There are a thousand more things to do!

1. Make it a habit from today to give each of your children 15-30 minutes of time over the next 90 days. Not just turn on the cartoon and go to the kitchen, but read a fairy tale, draw together, sculpt together, cook food together, listen to the child, talk about how your day went. Go to the theater, cinema, skating rink, park. Come with the whole family! You yourself will not notice how this 15-30 minutes every day will radically change your life and your relationship with your child! You will experience incredible happiness and pride in what you do. After all, only 15% parents Spend 30 minutes a day talking to your child! Be better than the other 75%!

Stand in line with the best planet's parents!

2. Plan your day in such a way that enough time for work and family. Do each day first things related to these two areas of your life, and only then do the rest.

3. The most important thing you have is your family and home. Spend as much time as possible at home with your loved ones.

At work, the main thing is quality, at home - quantity!

4. Always make good use of your free time. For example, when traveling with a child in a car, I do not turn on the player. It is much more important to talk with a child about his feelings, plans, events in his life than to listen to your favorite song or news on the radio.

5. When a child wants to tell you something, listen to him. attentively. Instead of trying to listen with half an ear, turn to him, leave all your affairs and listen attentively! Don't pretend to listen, just listen.

6. Always go on vacation with the whole family. Many people want to take a break from loved ones on vacation. Yes, there is some logic in this. But! Take a break from everyone, that is, spend time alone with yourself regularly. To do this, make it a rule in your family to release your husband twice a week for 1-2 hours. (wife) from all worries, and do the same yourself. Spend twice a week time with and for yourself. Take a walk, go with a friend to a cafe, go shopping, to the pool, etc. And spend your vacation with the whole family. Of course, many parents want to take a break from the children and be alone with each other. Also do it regularly and don't tie it to a vacation.

So, the most common cause of bad behavior is the struggle for parental attention. As soon as the child starts misbehaving, parents they are immediately distracted from their important and necessary affairs and rush to raise a child. If the child does not receive the required amount attention the only way to deserve it Attention he sees in disobedience.

Your child needs attention is also strong like eating or sleeping. This is a normal need, which is simply necessary for him to grow normally.

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Why is it important to make time for your child?

So many people claim that a child is the most important thing in life, and that their love simply knows no boundaries, since there is nothing more expensive. However, as practice has shown, modern parents devote more time to the apartment, car and cottage, but not to their beloved baby. In fact, taking care of minor things for the good of the child has become more important than himself!

All parents shouldgive the child time, because it is extremely important for his development, upbringing and formation as a person. It should always be remembered that our life is short, and therefore, it would be extremely stupid to devote it entirely to work and not pay attention to loved ones.

We cannot let our lives slip through our fingers, pushing away those who truly love us. After all, if you are gone tomorrow, another person will quickly take your place at work. But your children will not be able to replace you with anyone, because for them you are already valuable by your very existence.

Save time for your child! is a priority position. For the rest, we distribute time according to the residual principle.

Most often, young children are given increased attention, but as soon as the child grows up, parents begin to devote minimal time to the child, thus trying to teach him to be independent. However, children's independence and the manifestation of parental attention are two different things. According to statistics, the most independent and caring children grow up precisely from those who received a lot of parental attention.

In practice, giving time to a child is very easy and pleasant. It is enough to talk to him, accompany him with hugs and a look, all this will be simply priceless for the child, no matter how old he is. Be sure to let us understand that it is more important than your work, car and everything that you devote a lot of time to. Thanks to such simple methods, the child will gain confidence and self-esteem, and this will certainly come in handy in the future. Just systematically debug all your affairs and devote yourself to your child. Of course, to feed, clothe and give space for development is very important. But this cannot replace parental attention, and at the same time, your attention should not turn into close control, which develops inferiority in children.

Be sure to think about how much time you devote to your child and try to devote at least a minute more to him every day. Remember that the child will be the main support for you in old age.

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A newborn child requires a lot of attention, as a rule, all the time of the mother is devoted almost exclusively to him. But the child grows, and the question of how much attention parents should pay to their children remains. There are mothers who make a choice in favor of the child, devoting themselves undividedly to his interests. Someone is trying to find the perfect compromise between work and education. Attentive and loving parents make every effort to provide the child with all the best.

However, this is not a guarantee that the child will be happy, and that the parents actually act in his interests. Why this happens, says psychologist Rufina Shirshova.

In touch with the child, or about the quality of parental attention

It always seemed to me that parental attention to the child should be completely devoted to him (the child). Well, that is, the child, for example, plays, and the mother is entirely with him, plays with him, shares his occupation. Or the child is telling something, and the father is entirely with him, directing all his attention to the words of the child. And it seemed to me that this is exactly what the child wants. At least, it seemed so to me when I tried to look into my little self from my real self and from my little self, invested in an adult me, to look at the past, at my parents and at how they treat me.

And a lot of the clients who come to me think that too, they try their best to do it, being in the position of a parent. And most of the time it doesn't work. Recently, I realized why it doesn't work. The answer is trivially simple: the child does not need such attention, it does not need it at all, he needs respect, sharing his life with him, recognizing him as important as the parent himself. Equality is needed, equality of parent and child in terms of importance. Looking at the world through the eyes of a hungry child, you might think that he wants the undivided power and attention of the parent.

What happens if the child still receives the undivided attention of the parent?

At the seminar we did an exercise: mother and child look at each other. Leading - "mother". The “child” monitors his feelings with different strategies of the mother’s behavior and follows his impulses.

Ignoring and withdrawn mom

Mom controlling the child from the merger. A mother who gives a lot of care and control, keeps track of the boundaries, safety and norms of the child's behavior. The haunting mother.

host mom

Of course, the most unpleasant is the first experience. All participants in this exercise shared that they eventually felt helpless, powerless, and alone. Heaviness and even as if the absence of existence and despair.

But the second experience is also interesting. Different participants showed their control, overprotectiveness and fusion in different ways. And some even became very attentive and kindly caring and responsible mothers. And yet, children run away from such mothers. They feel great tension and want to reject such a mother, hide from her. Fear or irritation appears in some children, and then humility comes to almost all before the inevitability. And they practically bow their heads in this inevitability.

And, of course, the experience of communicating with a host mother is very pleasant and healing. Vanity disappears, contact is strengthened, the look is almost static in appearance, but filled with warmth and light. And under this light, anxiety, aspiration, movement disappear, you just want to be. Shoulders, neck straighten, the body becomes straighter, more stable, gradually comes a feeling of strength and fullness. And both of them.

From this experience, the assumption arises that a parent, completely immersed in the interest of the child, strains the child, does not allow him to feel free, and the child in this situation really wants freedom, wants to breathe calmly. He seems to feel responsible for the tension and concentration of the parent, as opposed to a situation where the parent is attentive, but at the same time relaxed and calm. The next experiment only added material and strengthened the conclusions.

Not so long ago there was a conference on trauma therapy. At one of the workshops, we explored the relationship between parent and child. The presenter came up with the hypothesis that a calm and balanced parent gives a lot of resources to the child to live his life, the difficulties and discoveries of this life, that if the parents were more balanced and self-sufficient, less controlled, then it would be easier for the child to get out of their difficulties.

The group of participants was divided into mother-child pairs and acted according to the instructions, which consisted of three tasks.

A couple of participants in the role of mother and child agree on what she will do together.

Mom tests her stability, comfort, and works on her sense of balance and internal control. Rest if necessary.

Mom takes care of herself.

What's happened? For some reason, all mothers focused on caring for the child and devoted themselves entirely to the child, although this was not included in the instructions. We will not investigate why the mothers did this, we can only assume that the mothers in these couples followed an inner impulse to follow the needs of the child. At the second stage, all the mothers stretched, stretched their bones, shook themselves and smiled, relaxing. And in the third stage, the mothers took care of their needs as if they received an indulgence or a full right, for which no justification was required.

What did the children feel? Children at the first stage felt great tension in all pairs, regardless of the general occupation of mother and child. At the second stage, they felt how they were throwing off the burden of responsibility for the stress of mothers. And on the third they got freedom.

Of course, there are many unclear points in this experiment. And the participants were not well prepared. And the instructions weren't accurate enough. One thing is obvious: children feel comfortable when their mother gives enough attention and at the same time she is relaxed, free.

I will supplement the picture with my own memories from childhood. I felt happy when my mother was relaxed, active, happy. And when she was busy in this relaxation and happiness with her work. For a comfortable, fulfilling feeling, half an hour a day of active and joyful communication with my family after dinner was enough for me. The child does not need and even harmful, maybe even toxic parent, who is completely immersed in his attention to the affairs of the child, the child needs a harmonious, calm, balanced and responsive parent.

And if the child does not have enough attention of the parent, or the attention is of the wrong quality, then the child reports this rather quickly - with whims, illnesses and a variety of troubles. In this case, the words are true that it is not the quantity that matters, but the quality!

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Lack of attention for children is a common cause of children's whims, disobedience, conflicts. Not only small children, but also teenagers of any age require a lot of parental attention and warmth.

The main reason for misunderstanding, whims and disobedience in children is the lack of parental attention. No matter how trite it sounds. It is necessary to consider the question of whether the mother often pays attention to the baby when he sits silently without whims, does not bother anyone, and his behavior suits the parents.

Usually such a child rarely attracts attention. He plays himself, and his parents always have urgent business. This is a very comfortable situation, suitable for everyone, especially mom and dad.

In addition, as the child grows, parents less and less devote their time to him. But at any age there are nuances of upbringing and problems, therefore psychologists do not advise limiting communication. Small children are helpless and unable to help themselves, so parents devote all the time to caring for them without a trace. But growing up, a small person can already occupy himself for the most part.

Nowadays it is not easy to give children the attention they need. Parents work from morning until late, but children do not require all 24 hours a day.

You need to become a friend to your child so that he knows that no matter what happens, he will be understood and supported.

For children, the love of parents is the most important thing. As a flower turns towards the sun, and therefore lives. So the child needs to be appreciated and loved sincerely. Therefore, you need to tell him about it, and every moment show care, warmth, affection. Then he will not want to upset his loved ones with bad deeds and he will not seek advice from friends, but to mom and dad.

Children are the highest joy, but also a huge responsibility. This is what is given to parents for life. Friends, work, opinions and thoughts, even a husband or wife can come or go, but children stay forever.

There are many young couples, especially those who did not have a child immediately, but after a long time, who believe that it is possible to go to parties, live vigorously, as they used to, and at the same time perform well the duties of parents.

But psychologists are skeptical about this. You can go traveling, and leave the child at home, get involved in your favorite activities, but when a baby is born, you may not need to stop living like this, but stop for a while. And this is considered the norm.

With the advent of a baby in the family, life changes. All matters become secondary, and the main time is occupied by the child. After all, only mom and dad are now responsible for the formation of character, feelings, emotions, and for his future.

Every child needs attention, but not everyone understands it or even remembers it.

After all, our children need participation in the same way as they need food, walks in the fresh air. Parents should give every free minute to the baby.

How to give children enough attention?

It is natural to say that you just need to pay attention often. But it is one thing to say, and another thing to do, and how to correctly determine. Every woman and every man goes to work, cooks, cleans, and does laundry at home. And plus a lot of other things:

1. Psychologists advise mothers to make it a rule to give their child half an hour every day.

2. Make plans in such a way that there is enough time for the family.

The first place is taken by the family, then work, and then other concerns. After all, loved ones are the main thing in life, and they require maximum time.

3. Time should be put to good use.

For example, if you go with a child in a car, then do not listen to music or think about problems at work, but talk with the child, discuss his affairs, school, classes in circles.

4. If the child wants to talk, then you need to leave things, turn around and listen to him, and not just pretend.

5. Go on vacation with your family.

Sometimes people leave their loved ones to relax, unwind. Maybe this is justified, but you need to give yourself a rest alone not only on vacation, but every week. Go to friends, girlfriends, shops. From children, too, spouses can sometimes relax, go to a restaurant, visit. But the main holiday is spent with the family.