How I realized it was time to get a divorce: personal experience. Causes of divorce in modern families

Divorce statistics
According to experts, currently every second marriage breaks up in Russia, Ukraine, and Belarus. Ten years ago, every third one fell apart. The growth is enormous – one and a half times!

By years of family life, divorces are distributed as follows: up to 1 year – 3.6%; from 1 to 2 years – 16%; from 3 to 4 years – 18%; from 5 to 9 years – 28%; from 10 to 19 years old – 22%; from 20 years or more – 12.4%.

Thus, in the first 4 years, about 40% of divorces occur, and in 9 years - about two thirds of their total number.

Statistics show that the most crucial period in a family’s life is when spouses are between 20 and 30 years old. It has also been established that marriages entered into before 30 years of age are, on average, twice as durable as marriages that arose when the spouses were over thirty.

After 30 years of age, it is much more difficult for people to rebuild themselves in accordance with the needs of living alone and entering into family roles. Younger people more easily give up habits that traumatize their spouse.

The vast majority of divorces occur between the ages of 18 and 35. A sharp rise begins at the age of 25.

In 64% of cases, the court asks those divorcing to think and gives them several months to do so. About 7% of spouses withdraw their divorce petition.

Summarizing these statistics, we come to confirmation of the idea that “marriage is not a life sentence in a cage for two.”

Reasons for divorce

There are six main reasons for divorce:
1) hasty, thoughtless marriage or marriage of convenience;
2) adultery;
3) sexual dissatisfaction with each other;
4) incompatibility of characters and views;
5) psychological and practical unpreparedness for family life and, as a consequence, the accumulation of mistakes in family relationships, disappointment in a loved one or oneself;
6) drunkenness.

Research has shown that the main reason for divorce is the psychological and practical unpreparedness of spouses for family life (42% of divorces). This unpreparedness manifests itself in the rudeness of spouses, mutual insults and humiliations, inattention to each other, unwillingness to help with household chores and raising children, inability to give in to each other, lack of common spiritual interests, greed and money-grubbing of one of the spouses, unpreparedness for interaction, etc. inability to smooth out and eliminate conflicts and in the desire to intensify conflicts, inability to run a household.

In second place is the drunkenness of one of the spouses (this reason was indicated by 31% of surveyed women and 23% of men). Moreover, drunkenness of one of the spouses can be both a cause that destroys family relationships and a consequence of abnormal relationships between spouses.

In third place is marital infidelity (this was indicated by 15% of women and 12% of men).
In the study, only 9% of women indicated the lack of help from their spouse in household chores as a cause of conflicts and divorces. It can be assumed that most husbands help run the household (it turned out that 40% of men do everything around the house that their wife requires).

Other causes of divorce play an insignificant role: domestic instability (3.1%); difference in views on issues of material well-being (1.6%); financial difficulties (1.8%); unreasonable jealousy of one of the spouses (1.5%); sexual dissatisfaction (0.8%); absence of children (0.2%).

Divorced men complain that there was no serious intimacy (37%), everyday tenderness (29%), an orderly sex life (14%), care for him (9%), they felt enslaved (“a rope around the neck”) - 14 %.

All this becomes known when the family has already broken up. Before that, neither the spouses, nor even those around them, have a clear understanding of what is happening. This reminds us of the parable of the Roman man who divorced his wife. Hearing the bewilderment and censure of those around him, he asked: “Here is my shoe. Isn't he good? But which of you knows where he is shaking my leg?

Perhaps we can conclude from this: if the spouses knew how to communicate, they could eliminate much of what led to the collapse of the family.

Divorce initiators

In 68% of cases, women file for divorce (80% in Moscow) under the age of 50, with young women being especially active; after fifty, divorce is more often initiated by men.
There is an explanation for this.

Wives (as we have already mentioned) usually rate the quality of marriage lower than their husbands. Hence their initiative in dissolving the marriage.

The peak of divorces in older age groups occurs mainly on the initiative of men. And this is understandable. The children have grown up and left the nest. You won’t have to pay alimony. And at 50 or even 60 years old, a man still feels so strong that he may well not only start a new family, but also leave for a woman much younger than his ex-wife...

Stages of conflict leading to divorce

The first stage is rivalry, struggle for power in the family, favorable distribution of rights and responsibilities.
The second is the appearance of cooperation. Having mastered the distribution of roles that does not coincide with the desired one, but realizing that nothing better “is on the horizon,” the spouses begin to “play by the rules,” that is, to adhere to certain boundaries of fairly formal communication according to the principle “don’t touch me, otherwise it will be worse.”
It is clear that such behavior gradually leads to isolation, when everyone lives their own lives. The family is preserved for the sake of the children, out of habit, for material reasons, and living space. In such an environment, sexual problems arise because sex becomes mechanical.

At this stage of the relationship, there are the best conditions for the emergence of sympathy “on the side,” which is a serious test for the existence of a family.

Attempts to prevent the appearance of a “homewrecker” are sometimes anecdotal in nature. A wife sorts things out with her husband: “Before you take a mistress, think about how you will satisfy her, if you cannot satisfy your wife either!” I wonder how she imagined their intimate life after such a statement? (They divorced six months later.)

It is at this stage of marital relations that the following maxim is common among wives: “All men are womanizers, they are ready to flirt with every skirt, it costs them nothing to change.” But this setting is wrong for three reasons:
firstly, they cheat with a woman, it is women who seduce men. So women are also to blame for male infidelity;
secondly, the other gets what the wife is unable to take: unclaimed tenderness;
thirdly, a man is designed this way by nature: a male always strives to fertilize as many females as possible. Make sure that there is no strength for others - it depends only on you.
A single betrayal is not sufficient grounds for divorce.

It is believed that most often people get divorced due to infidelity. In fact, betrayal itself is not the cause, but a consequence of deeper reasons. If everything is good in a marriage, then betrayal cannot turn back the flow of this river. If there is boredom, long-standing complaints, lack of trust, loss of sexual desire, then, indeed, betrayal can become a direct cause of divorce.

Don't abuse the threat of divorce
Since women are predominantly the initiators of divorce, they threaten divorce more often than husbands. This is done, as a rule, for educational purposes, so that one can draw conclusions on how to behave. This tactic is destructive, because it comes from ignorance of the psychology of men.

1. Men are more “doing” than “feeling”. For him, acting is easier than feeling. Divorce is an action. Therefore, having heard the word “divorce,” the husband begins to think about it, weighing all the pros and cons. After each new scandal, there will be more and more arguments in favor.

2. For many men, the most difficult thing is not leaving (this is an action), but telling your wife about your decision. In a verbal confrontation, a woman is stronger than a man, he feels it, so starting a conversation on this topic is a severe torment for him. Many people are also afraid of the unpredictability of their wife’s reaction. Therefore, when a wife announces her desire to get a divorce, this greatly simplifies the matter!

3. Threat affects people differently. The weak may be afraid, but the strong perceive the threat as a challenge and act contrary “out of principle” - a man is supposed to be strong. Even harmless white mice will bite if you corner them. How does a husband feel when his back is against the wall with threats?

Did you do the right thing?
How did life turn out for divorced people?
In groups of participants in the trainings I conducted, I asked the following question: “Do you regret that you separated? Don’t you think that it was possible and necessary to save the family?”

In 28% of cases, ex-spouses reported that they had made a mistake - the marriage should have been saved.

Here are some excerpts from single women after divorce:
“...I don’t see any great joy in getting rid of my husband. Living alone is also difficult. Sometimes I think that I didn’t do everything to prevent conflict, and of course, I didn’t do anything to save the family. For this I am punished by loneliness.”

“...After the divorce, there were many men with whom I wanted to start a family again. But nowadays men are careful; as soon as you start imposing the simplest duties on them, they immediately leave. Yes, if I had had such experience with men before, I would never have started divorce proceedings. Mine was better in every way."

Men also remember their failed lives with regret: “I got married unsuccessfully, of course. Only in many ways he himself was to blame. If I had behaved differently, everything could have been fixed. Now, after eight years of loneliness, I understand all this well. Soon forty, and I’m alone as a finger. If I had a family, now my son would go to the forest with me to pick mushrooms and tinker with the car. This bean’s life is not sweet.”

The men explain the main reason for their unsuccessful lives this way: “I didn’t drink because I was addicted to the potion, but because I was confused and didn’t know how to behave in such a situation. Children, diapers, washing, cooking - all this seemed like an unmanly task. So I freed myself from marriage, but it turned out that I freed myself from myself, from love, from everything that binds a person to life. I believe that all divorces have one common reason - our lack of preparation for family life.”

In one of these studies, I asked divorced men: “Given the chance, would you remarry your wives?”

About 80% answered that they would marry (women, by the way, agree to “remarriage” less often).

Divorce and health

Divorce has an extremely negative impact on health: divorced people get sick on average twice as often as married people and live shorter lives. Moreover, morbidity and mortality rates among divorced, single, and widowed men are significantly higher than among women.

Among the causes of heart attack, divorce is in second place (in first place is the death of a spouse).

Frustrated hopes

Only 27% of women remarry, of which only 56% are happy. These figures should give some women pause: it turns out that only 15% of divorced women find their new happiness.

What about the remaining 85%? Either loneliness (three quarters of divorced people), or another unsuccessful marriage.

As we have already said, in most cases the initiator of divorce is the woman. When she says: “That’s it, I’m getting a divorce,” she is guided by a conscious or subconscious confidence that with this she is taking the first step towards correcting a mistake she once made and towards a more successful life.

But time passes, and she begins to understand how difficult it is to enter into a new marriage, especially if you have a child, because the likelihood of getting married in this case is 3 times less than without one.

If at the age of 25–30 a woman goes for a divorce, then after five years she will feel that, strictly speaking, she has no one to choose from. After 35 years, the main reason for female loneliness is the obvious shortage of men due to increased mortality.

According to the calculations of A. B. Sinelnikov, over 40% of divorced women could not arrange their lives simply because... there were no suitors of the right age for them. In fact, their chances are even lower, since age plays a role in choosing a life partner. After all, among the potential suitors there are many heavy drinkers who are in prison (of the 1 million prisoners in Russia, the vast majority are men).

It turns out that from the point of view of demographic reality, the increased initiative of women in divorce looks reckless. No matter how bad the rejected husband may seem, a new wife will be found for him much sooner than a new husband for the one who started a divorce.

But, apparently, in order to truly be convinced of this and get rid of illusions, you need to go through this. Understanding that a second marriage (if you are lucky with it) when there are children is not an easy matter. After all, fate is bound by people who have experienced a lot, who are offended, who are either separated from their children, or who are forced to accustom them to life with a new dad or mom.

So our advice to those who are on the verge of divorce: do not rush to rush into the pool of loneliness. Try to save your marriage. Be extremely self-critical.

The “Iron Chancellor” Bismarck is credited with saying: “He is a fool who learns from his mistakes. I prefer to learn from others!” This is said harshly, and it is not always possible to avoid mistakes. However, you can’t argue with the fact that it is preferable to learn from other people’s mistakes!

Second happiness

68% of divorced men create a new family. The second marriage was happier for 73% of men.
As a result, two thirds of divorced men found family happiness.

These data are several times higher than the corresponding “female” indicators and indicate that the position of a divorced man is much more preferable than that of a divorced woman.

However, we should not forget about divorced men who either remained bachelors or married unsuccessfully a second time. You won't envy them!

Husband and wife are walking in the park. A lady comes towards them. The husband whispers to his wife:
– Sonya, try to seem happy. That lady is my first wife.

As a rule, post-divorce experiences for ex-wives are acute for about six months to a year. For men, most often it is one and a half: the stronger sex does not “let go” of the past. Some people hate the woman they broke up with for a long time. Well, hatred is also a memory... A man, traumatized by a divorce, usually makes new acquaintances too straightforwardly, even with a challenge, he does not always manage to consolidate the contact that has arisen, keep it, put it in a certain form - whether friendly, love... During this period, a person It’s as if he splits into two: either he feels some kind of inferiority, or he makes too high demands. He rushes about, suffers... And often regrets that he did not turn to a specialist for help. After all, a specialist could artificially create a post-divorce situation: “This is what awaits you if the family breaks up!” Psychologists call this a “trial divorce.”

Divorced

After a divorce, two options are open to a person: living alone or creating a second family. To some, the first path at first seems to be the only one, and they explain their decision this way: “You come home and finally peace comes to you. She is her own mistress. The apartment is clean, comfortable, the kind I’ve dreamed of having all my life. If I want, I go to the store, on a visit, to the cinema, without coordinating my decision with anyone. A feeling of freedom - after the family hard labor that I experienced.”

Indeed, after a divorce, especially if there was a difficult situation in the family, a feeling of liberation initially dominates. Time passes, and the position of a free woman begins to weigh on her. She already admits the possibility of remarriage, but fears arise: will she find a husband so that the story of the unsuccessful marriage will not repeat itself, will the child accept the “new dad” and will he be able to become the child’s father?

Diluted

When, soon after the divorce, his friends congratulated him on his “liberation,” one of the divorced people sadly said: “Well, what joy is there? We have lived together for 12 years... What worries me is not the problem of finances, alimony... The main thing is how the children will appreciate us, not now, but later. In the end, it doesn’t matter which woman takes the place of a wife, but children cannot replace them, and who will replace their father?”

Many men experience such feelings because they cannot escape paternal duty, which, although a man does not appear immediately with the birth of a child and develops more slowly than maternal feelings, does not go away throughout his life. And the older the children become, the more the man worries and realizes the need for his presence and participation for them. A man is also not indifferent to public opinion: after all, in a divorce, as a rule, they blame him, first of all, him, and most often only him.

In recent years, Russia continues to lead the world in the number of divorces. The divorce rate in our country is as much as 57%, while in Canada this figure is 48%, the USA - 46%, France - 38%, and the last place is occupied by Japan, where the divorce rate is 27%. “Almost every second marriage is doomed to failure,” sociologists report. Is “every family unhappy in its own way,” as the classic said? Or is it still possible to identify common motives for divorce?

Divorce is the problem of the century

Turning to the statistics, it is not difficult to notice that 10 years ago every third marriage was dissolved, and today this figure in Russia has decreased to 2. Suffice it to give an example: in 2003, 1,225,501 unions were officially confirmed, of which 667,971 were already divorced, and this is 54.5%. Every year the difference between the number of marriages and their dissolution is decreasing, and the popularity of registered relationships is falling. There is an explanation for this statistics: at the moment, marriageable age has arrived for those born in the 90s. As you know, during these years there was a demographic decline, the consequences of which we are still seeing, and many families at that time were considered dysfunctional. But this is far from the only reason for divorce in modern families.

Categories of the main causes of divorce

Family and marriage are influenced by many reasons and factors: social, personal, and political. Religion, characteristics of upbringing, characters, traditions, ideology, personal goals of each partner can serve as a reason for divorce. What can become a compelling argument and reason for divorce cannot be answered unequivocally. Every family has its own difficulties, and their consequences are always different. However, several categories of the main causes of divorce can be distinguished:

1. Premature, thoughtless marriage. One of the common reasons why people get divorced is a rash decision to get married. Many young people, having no idea about married life, rush to the registry office, and over time they see that their expectations from life together have not been met and there is only one way out - divorce.
2. Cheating on one of the partners. Adultery is also one of the most popular reasons for divorce. According to statistics, the traitor is most often a man. And if your husband’s betrayal can be understood, then it’s unlikely to be forgiven, because... The weaker sex is characterized by excessive emotionality. Poverty and infidelity are the most popular reasons for divorce in Russia. But many factors can serve as a reason for a spouse’s betrayal, here are some of them:
   • Search for adventure, new sensations. Over time, relationships can become boring, the usual measured married life can turn gray, and the partner goes in search of thrills without thinking about the consequences.
   • New love of one of the partners.
   • Sexual dissatisfaction. The lack of regular intimacy can push your “other half” to look for adventures on the side, and the consequence is a good reason for divorce.
   • Revenge. Trying to restore your self-esteem by repaying your cheating husband “in the same coin” is unlikely to help strengthen your marriage. And the consequences will not keep you waiting.
3. The birth of a child, especially in young families. Any couple needs time to get used to each other. Why young couples with children divorce is quite obvious. After all, the appearance of a new family member in a still unformed social unit can cause additional stress and troubles, and ultimately becomes a cause of divorce. The consequences will not be the best for both the spouses and the child. By the way, the presence of a minor child is one of the reasons for divorce through the court.
4. Incompatibility of characters. Your husband wants to go to football this weekend, but you want to go to the theater? This may start to make you wonder, “Did you choose the right spouse?” Different views of spouses on life, different eating habits, dissimilar tastes in literature, different social status of spouses are common causes of divorce in modern families.
5. Everyday problems. Socks scattered on the floor, garbage not thrown out on time, dinner not prepared for the husband's return from work, an uncleaned apartment - no matter how funny it may seem, can serve as a good reason for constant quarrels, and if the partners are too emotional, then this can become a reason for divorce .
6. Marriage of convenience, including to resolve the housing issue. One of the reasons for divorce is the pursuit of mercantile goals by one of the spouses: for financial gain or for the sake of obtaining an apartment.
7. Interference of relatives in the lives of spouses. Moreover, if you live in the same apartment with relatives of your “half,” then this definitely cannot be avoided. Older and wiser parents always think that they know everything better than the newlyweds and are in a hurry to “get in” where they shouldn’t, to give advice, instead of allowing the young family to figure everything out on their own. Therefore, the intervention of parents and other relatives becomes the reason why people get divorced.
8. The struggle for leadership in the family. A husband supports his wife or a spouse earns more than his husband - rest assured, your husband will not miss an opportunity to remind you of this in the midst of another quarrel.
9. Adverse habits of one of the spouses: alcoholism or drug addiction. They can make the family life of partners unbearable. In Russia they are one of the most common reasons for divorce. The culprit is often a man who is unable to fight the addiction.
10. Financial difficulties. Financial problems arise in any family, but for young couples they can become an insoluble circumstance and serve as an example of why people get divorced.
11. Intimacy problems. They can also serve as a reason for divorce. Consists of dissatisfaction of one or both spouses. The inability or unwillingness to discuss problems in this area with a partner can often serve as a reason for divorce, even in long-term marriages. It is worth noting that 37% of men surveyed are ready to get a divorce for this reason, while only 9% of women consider this a sufficient reason for divorce.
12. Too early or late age for marriage. Many young guys, not having enough life experience, and not being able to appreciate all the strengths and weaknesses of their partner, are in a hurry to get married. They like to spend time together and lead a common social life: going to discos, parties, and the cinema. Such couples do not think about the consequences of coexistence in everyday life. And only after the wedding all the shortcomings of both spouses are revealed. The average age for marriage is 22 for women and 24 for men.
13. Infertility of a couple. Many modern families cite the inability to have children as the reason for divorce. Often, instead of turning to specialists, spouses file for divorce in court.
14. Emotional immaturity of one of the partners. For the most part, it occurs among young couples, and the reason for this is a banal unpreparedness for marriage. Most often it manifests itself in men, and that is why so many betrayals occur among the male share of the population.

Surprisingly, in most highly developed countries the reasons for divorce are largely the same. However, each divorce may have its own reasons.

What other factors can cause divorce?

There are many reasons why people get divorced. But no one can say that having lived a sufficient number of years in marriage, the matter will not come to court and divorce. Another interesting statistic can be cited to support this.

By years of marriage, the percentage of divorces is as follows:

• up to 1 year - 3.6%
• from 1 to 2 years - 16%
• from 3 to 4 years - 18%
• from 5 to 9 years - 28%
• from 10 to 19 years old - 22%
• from 20 years or more - 12.4%.

Also, according to research by sociologists, a more responsible period in family life is the age of spouses from 20 to 30 years. Marriages concluded before the age of 30 are approximately 2 times longer lasting than marriages concluded for spouses already over 30 years old.

This is due to the fact that it is much more difficult for people over 30 to adapt themselves to the requirements of a new spouse, and it is more difficult to get used to living together.

The age at which most divorces occur is between 18 and 35 years old. Moreover, the majority of respondents divorced at the age of 25 and above.

It is also worth noting that in different age categories, both men and women can initiate divorce. To a greater extent, under the age of 50, divorces are initiated by women. While after 50 they become men. There is a simple explanation why this happens. Spouses over 50 years of age, as a rule, already have adult children, which means that it will be possible to divorce without the participation of the court, in the absence of common property, and the spouse will not have to pay alimony.

Indication of the reason for divorce in the application

There may be different reasons given as to why you filed for divorce. In Russia, the procedure for divorce is quite simple. You can get a divorce in court or the registry office by submitting an application to the relevant authority.

In 64% of cases, the court asks those divorcing to think about their decision and gives them a month to do so. Unfortunately, only about 7% of spouses withdraw their divorce petition.

The main reasons for divorce, which are indicated in applications:

1. Family life did not work out;
2. Did not get along;
3. There are marital relations with other people;
4. Long-term separation;
5. Conflicts in the family.

In any case, divorce is a deep family drama that will not be easy for either party to overcome. Children have a particularly difficult time coping with their parents' divorce. The worst consequence of divorce is the fact that the child will have to grow up in a dysfunctional family. After all, a child cannot understand why his parents don’t want to be together anymore. Whatever the reasons for divorce, it is worth carefully weighing the pros and cons before making a hasty decision. And if there is even the slightest chance to try to save the marriage, you should definitely use it. Remember, no matter why you got divorced, both spouses are always to blame.

According to statistics, every year more and more married couples officially divorce, sometimes without even explaining the reasons for what is happening. Family is a warm and affectionate relationship to which both spouses contribute. If a husband or wife has stopped “heating up” their hearth, then this provokes conflicts. Why do people get divorced, invalidate their marriage, what factors influence the decision? What causes divorce? The question is not easy, however, marital relationship specialists have been able to identify the root causes of this behavior.

Why do marriages fall apart?

Why people get divorced is a question that has always interested psychologists. In fact, there are a lot of factors that can contribute to this. It is very difficult to identify the main reason for divorce in certain married couples, because no one knows about their relationship in private. The last straw before a quarrel can be an ordinary household or other trifle, abortion.

Reasons for divorce:

• Violence. This category includes not only physical impact, but also psychological conflicts. This offends not only men, but also women.
• Bad habits. If men and women have bad habits such as excessive consumption of alcohol or drugs, this can lead to a breakdown in the union, such signs are quite compelling. In fact, according to statistics, this situation is the most common and offensive reason for many divorces. When your significant other drinks, it is very difficult to do anything about it.
• Betrayal. Often, after a few years of life, couples begin to feel tired of each other. Then adultery will serve as grounds for divorce. Man is designed in such a way that he constantly needs new emotions. If there is boredom in the house, he will try to diversify it.
• There are no common interests. The other most common reason why conflicts arise is different views on the world around us, different hobbies. Couples should at least have one thing they do together.
• The reason for divorce of people with different characters is also the unpreparedness of one of the lovers for adult life. For example, a child is born into a family, and one of the parents is simply not ready to raise him. Then the marriage breaks up.
• Misunderstandings and conflicts. Often, when a union breaks up, former lovers say that they did not get along in character. The main reasons for divorce among modern youth lie in haste. A girl and a guy sign at the registry office at the age of 20, without getting to know each other well, only then their negative qualities begin to become clear. Such reasons for marital divorce are not uncommon.
• Intimate life. At the age of 20, intimate life is in full swing, but after marriage, for some reason, everything changes. The body of men and women needs sexual intercourse, whether one of them wants it or not. In the event that there are no sexual acts, this offends both men and women.
• Social status. Most couples fight and divorce because they have different social status. For example, men are very offended when a woman earns more when she is more successful in her endeavors.
• Problems. Sometimes couples have problems that they cannot handle and get divorced. This happens after the death of a loved one or after an abortion. A person is experiencing a severe emotional breakdown; if his beloved does not support him, then trust in him will dry up. For example, a woman’s condition after an abortion cannot be described in words, especially if she is 20–25 years old. She wants a child, but her significant other does not - this is a reason for divorce. The fair half of humanity is very offended when they do not understand her, especially after an abortion.

Different character

The reasons why marriages break up are now known. All that remains is to take a closer look at the main ones. As it has already turned out, the most common reasons for divorce are differences in character. There are three groups of spouses who dissolve their union for this reason. Let's look at what offends each of these groups.

The first group is youth

At the age of 20, today’s youth have raging hormones and want to get married quickly. For some reason they think it’s easy and simple. However, you should understand that marriage is a big responsibility.

After starting a family, it becomes clear that the lovers do not know each other at all, and conflicts arise from this. “They didn’t get along” - that’s what they say when they go to the registry office to sign the dissolution of the union. We expected an atmosphere of joy and celebration, but what we got was everyday troubles.

At 20, a person is not yet ready for responsibility, so early marriage of couples leads to divorce.

The second group are those who like to “struggle with shortcomings”

A simple situation - lovers have been dating for several years, they know all the positive and negative sides of each other. For some reason, they believe that after marriage everything will change, that women will be able to change their men. But does the representative of the stronger sex himself want this?

The character of an individual can only change if he himself decides to do so. This is a proven fact. “They didn’t get along” can no longer be said about such spouses; rather, this category refers to those who did not live up to their expectations from married life.

You also need to remember that if you fell in love with your chosen one at 20 years old, and decided to get married at 30, think about whether he is the same person or not.

The third group includes those who know each other thoroughly

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Women sometimes believe that if they know their men well, the relationship is simple and can be left to its own devices after marriage. However, if we consider the grounds on which a marriage is declared invalid, indifference will take one of the highest positions in the ranking.

Husband and wife must work on their relationship every day; we must communicate with each other. Otherwise, factors will appear that will lead to problems, conflicts and quarrels. The reasons for divorce will appear on their own; the recognition of the union as invalid is something that you won’t have to wait long for.

What happens when spouses don't know how to talk to each other?

Is there a valid reason why a marriage can be declared invalid? We can say with complete confidence that there is none. People create all the factors that lead to divorce on their own.

The main problems of most couples are that lovers simply do not hear each other and do not want to start a conversation. After this, the union is officially declared invalid. If you don’t want to think about the reasons for divorce later, learn not to hold back your emotions. Women often do not like the behavior of men when they throw their dirty things all over the apartment. The lady is silent for a week, silent for two weeks, for a year. Is there a good reason to remain silent? Of course not. What happens next?

There is no need to look for reasons for ending a marriage for a long time; one day conflicts will arise in which all the negativity will spill out. A woman can accidentally say rude things, which greatly offends a man. These are the grounds for ending a marriage.

Impassable difficulties

Very often, something happens in families that the girl and the guy did not expect at the age of 20. These are not everyday conflicts and not a problem of “not getting along”; everything can be much more complicated. There are other factors, they provoke problems that can only be overcome with mutual understanding between the spouses.

What difficulties may arise for married couples:

• The need for an abortion. A girl at the age of 20 became pregnant, but her husband is not yet ready for children; maybe her lovers do not currently have the opportunity to provide for a child, which is a common case in the modern world. In such a situation, matters may come to an abortion. But it only seems that everything is done so simply. After an abortion, a 20-year-old girl experiences severe stress and needs moral support. Maybe this is precisely the reason why you divorced your husband and decided to formalize your union as invalid?
• No one expects death. We are especially not ready to let go of loved ones. The consequences of death leave a strong imprint on the heart of men and women. At such moments, spouses simply need each other's support.
• A union is sometimes declared invalid because the husband cannot cope with his wife's success. If a woman achieves a promotion at work, but her husband does not, he is insulted by this. The reason for youth divorces, hidden in envy, is one of the popular ones.

It does not matter whether the family is experiencing the consequences of an abortion or death, or there are other factors that can cause failure - spouses should always support each other. The most common causes of divorce are hidden in fear. It could be fear of death, another abortion, failure at work, anything.

If spouses are ready to support each other in any situation, they will live happily and long. If not, everything leads to one thing - divorce.

Why unions fall apart, what are the most common reasons for divorce, has now become clear. All that remains is to figure out whether there are any factors that can help avoid separation and save the marriage.

• If there is a family, then there must be mutual understanding. Don’t hold back your emotions; if you don’t like something, speak up, then the negativity won’t accumulate. Try to resolve problems peacefully, otherwise the union will be invalid on an emotional level.
• One should not be allowed to develop faster than another in the family; this is especially offensive to a man. Is your business growing well? Involve your significant other in it, do something together.
• There must be children in the family. You can't bring everything to an abortion.
• Talk to each other, know how to not only complain, but also hear.

There are simply no compelling reasons for a speedy divorce and invalidation of the union. A marriage can almost always be saved, the main thing is to want it. It doesn’t matter whether you are 20 years old or older, value your family if you decide to build one. Everyone knows why marriages break up and what causes conflicts. You need to be able to smooth them out as carefully as possible.

Attention! Due to recent changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write your question in the form below:

Hello dear readers. Today we will talk about what divorce is, its causes and consequences. You will learn about statistics regarding the motives for divorce proceedings. Let's talk about the main reasons for the dissolution of the union in Europe, the USA and Russia.

What might be missing in a marriage?

When entering into marriage, each spouse expects something from their partner. When a husband or wife no longer meets the needs of their other half, things are heading towards divorce

A man, when starting a family, dreams of receiving the following from a woman:

• selfless love;
• true feeling;
• accepting all his shortcomings;
• understanding a man;
• general views on life;
• compatibility with partner;
• sex appeal;
• mutual respect;
• opportunity and desire to have children.

When a woman gets married, she expects the following from her relationship with her partner:

• feeling of security;
• respectful attitude;
• male fidelity;
• financial well-being;
• selfless love;
• dreams of having children, the desire to help raise them:
• common interests;
• sexual compatibility.

Stages of conflicts that lead to divorce:

• dispute for leadership in the family, constant rivalry;
• visible cooperation - the distribution of roles in the family ceases to coincide with the desires of each spouse, but the realization comes that one needs to live by the rules, follow certain boundaries. Such behavior leads to the fact that everyone begins to live their own lives. Often in such a situation, they decide to save the family for the sake of the well-being of the children or the reluctance to share living space. Problems arise in sex, intimacy is mechanical in nature. At this stage, relationships on the side often arise.

Motives for divorce

Women file for divorce in 68% of cases (if we consider Moscow, this is 80%), the typical age is up to 50 years, and more often this concerns young women. After the age of 50, a higher percentage of men initiate divorce. This is due to the fact that the children have time to grow up, the old nests are no longer there, the man will not have to pay alimony, and at this age he still feels his masculine strength and is ready to create a new relationship with a woman who is much younger than him.

There are many reasons that push people to divorce:

• early marriage, which is concluded based only on emotional attachment - young people do not think about a future together;
• late union - it is believed that after the age of 30 it is much more difficult for people to get used to each other;
• everyday problems - in order to prevent the dissolution of the union, it is necessary to treat each other with respect, help, and spend free time together;
• career - the desire to curry favor relegates the family to the background, intense busyness at work leads to the loss of interest in life at home, spouses eventually become strangers to each other;
• infidelity of a husband or wife, which may be a consequence of dissatisfaction in sexual life, the search for thrills, betrayal in revenge;
• difficulties of a material nature;
• disagreement with your spouse's habits;
• the disappearance of feelings when love turns out to be love;
• the birth of a child - young parents are sometimes unable to cope with the responsibility that has fallen on them and additional stress;
• fictitious union;
• absence of children;
• regular deception of one of the spouses;
• lack of trust;
• incompatibility of people - different views on life, opposite characters;
• marriage of convenience for material gain;
• drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction;
• moral oppression of the second spouse;
• interference of relatives in the personal life of a young couple;
• baseless excessive jealousy.

Reasons in different countries

Let's look at the most common reasons for divorce in Europe. In European countries, there is an increase in well-being, the ability to correctly distribute material resources among different segments of the population, the development of benefits - all this leads to the fact that in the most developed European countries both men and women feel protected and realize that they can independently cope with any difficulties , even if there is a child. That is, for them marriage is not considered as an economic support. In addition, many people do not see the need to formalize the union and live in a civil marriage.

The six main reasons found in developed European countries include:

1. Beneficial solitude. For example, in Belgium the divorce rate is 71%. This is due to the fact that people understand the benefits of loneliness, and it is also due to the characteristics of the social security system.
2. Treason. Basically, we are not talking about a one-time affair. Here there is a long-term relationship on the side or a long-term extramarital affair. The reason is also noted when the person who cheated brings various sexually transmitted diseases into the family.
3. Drug addiction and alcoholism. European countries have the highest levels of alcohol consumption. A large percentage of people who drink are chronic alcoholics. At the same time, society has a negative attitude towards alcoholism. Drug addiction is also very common in European countries and poses a threat to families.
4. Homosexual relations. The number of divorces associated with the appearance of a husband or wife of a same-sex lover is increasing. However, if situations happen to a bisexual couple, then the matter does not come to a divorce, people simply add variety to their sex life.
5. Reluctance to have children, as well as infertility. Women are especially sensitive to this problem. Men are increasingly less likely to file for divorce due to their partner’s infertility. And a woman is ready to get a divorce even if her husband refuses children or does not agree to artificial insemination. Today, more and more young people are refusing the burden of having children; they do not want to spoil their careers or deprive themselves of the pleasure of living as they want.
6. Computer and. The computer completely absorbs the wife or husband, depriving him of the opportunity to show his interest in his partner.

Let's look at the situation in the USA. There is a fairly high divorce rate here. Women no longer feel financially dependent on men, despite the fact that their salary levels differ.

1. The need for more pleasure, which they are not able to get from this marriage. If the relationship that has developed in their family ceases to satisfy, everything is easily resolved by divorce. The fact is that Americans have a consumerist view of family. They easily change their partners. This way, people who have been divorced once find it much easier to decide to divorce again. So the second gap is observed in 60%, the third - in 73%, while the first - in 41%.
2. Incompatibility of beliefs, in particular national or racial, religious. Differences in methods of education may also be considered, there are different ideas about responsibilities in family life, and different views on politics.
3. Financial difficulties. Despite the fact that the country has a sufficient level of prosperity, there is a huge degree of social stratification. Various types of such problems are observed in 2/3 of families.
4. Violence in family. This includes the assault of a man who offends his children and wife, but also the exertion of moral pressure by a woman on her husband, she constantly nags him. This also includes ridiculing the weaknesses of the spouse, moral mockery of him.
5. Treason. It is much easier to find a new partner or change spouse than to try to improve family relationships.
6. Disappearance of sexual attraction to spouse. The presence of stress in everyday life and lack of stability leads to the fact that intimacy is viewed as a new stressful situation; partners look to each other only for moral support. This leads to more and more families in which there is practically no sex. However, over time, one of the spouses ceases to be satisfied with this, which leads to divorce.

How is it going in Russia?

51 percent of marriages end in divorce. According to this indicator, Russia is closer to the highly developed countries of Europe. With all this, the reasons for the dissolution of marriages are opposite. In particular, if in those countries there is a high level of social security, then in Russia young couples break up due to difficulties that have befallen them.

1. Difficult living conditions. Families often break up due to the fact that a young couple is forced to live with the older generation, there is not enough living space, difficulties in communication, and conflicts arise.
2. Early unions and pregnancy. Marriage due to pregnancy also often ends in divorce.
3. Treason. They can occur due to dissatisfaction with a sexual partner, because of problems in everyday life, if the wife criticizes a lot, if the marriage was of convenience, or people got married because of an unplanned pregnancy. All this eventually leads to a move to the left.
4. Alcoholism. This reason is not uncommon, especially for men’s problem with drinking alcohol. Women's alcoholism is rarely considered by men as a significant reason for separation.
5. Financial difficulties. At the same time, it is more often the woman who initiates the divorce, in particular, if the man refuses to work and sits at home. Male representatives are calm about the fact that their spouse stays at home, but they will not tolerate it if a woman begins to reproach them with a lack of salary.
6. There is no mutual understanding. Sometimes friends don’t want to wash their dirty linen in public and simply write in the reason column – “they don’t get along.” Although sometimes this really is the true reason for the presence of constant scandals or a complete lack of love in the family. Also included in this category are situations where one spouse wants a child, but the other does not.

Let's look at the statistics on the causes of divorce in Russia:

• 41% - addiction of one of the spouses, in particular drug addiction or alcoholism;
• 26% - lack of their own housing;
• 14% - interference of friends and relatives in the life of a young family;
• 8% - inability to have a child;
• 6% - long-term living separately;
• 2% - due to one of the spouses being in prison;
• 1% - long-term illness of the husband or wife.

You can look at statistics regarding how long it takes before a marriage dissolves:

• after a year or two, 16% of families break up;
• after three - four - 18%;
• after five – nine – 28%;
• in ten – nineteen – 22%;
• in twenty - 12%.

My neighbor divorced her husband because after the birth of her child, he stopped being interested in both her and the baby, began returning late from work in a tipsy state, and spent all his free time in front of the monitor screen. The girl, having decided to divorce, indicated in her statement the reason “incompatibility of characters.”

Possible consequences

Divorce leaves its mark on each spouse, as well as on their children together. Spouses can fully recover from what happened over time. For some, this may take several months, and for others, several years.

All consequences can be divided into three groups.

1. Public. Divorce increases the level of morbidity, and psychotraumatic situations are possible. This causes nervous and mental disorders in all members of the family in which the divorce occurred. Loneliness, as a result of the separation of spouses, is a serious social and psychological problem for people. Children whose parents have separated grow up unable to appreciate family relationships and repeat the mistakes of their mothers and fathers. For society, the following consequences are observed: there is a devaluation of the institution of the family, a decrease in demographic growth, an impact on people’s working capacity, the growth of single men and women, the creation of single-parent families where upbringing becomes defective.
2. Aimed at ex-spouses. Men, like women, are in no hurry to remarry after a divorce. The fact is that people have already invested their souls in previous relationships and now do not feel any strength to re-enter the same waters, because there is a paranoid feeling and suspicions about creating a normal marriage. Women after divorce, who have children and are completely opposed to a new union, devote themselves to the child, fearing that the new husband may harm him. This also leads to the fact that most women are deprived of the opportunity to have another child, which affects population growth.
3. Influencing children. The percentage of single-parent families is growing, especially those in which the child is forced to grow up without a father. And this has an impact on his/her growing up, the likelihood increases, and it also affects their performance at school.

Now you know why people get divorced. As you can see, there are a large number of reasons that can affect this. Spouses must remember that it is necessary to protect their union, constantly improve it, and awaken old feelings. Remember that it is much easier to destroy something than to build something new.

Recently, the number of divorces has been growing at an incredible rate. At the moment, more than 50% of registered marriages in Russia are breaking up.

Why is it that when a couple just starts dating, everything is just fine? They care about each other, value their partner’s opinion, respect his preferences and personal space. When disagreements arise, young people get very worried and try to somehow improve their relationships and make peace.

For what reason does all this disappear over time? After the wedding, the husband and wife no longer try to work on their relationship, they let everything take its course. The result is divorce. Let's try to understand why this happens and look at 10 reasons why people get divorced.

1. No trust. It is not for nothing that we put a lack of trust in 1st place, since this is one of the main causes of divorce. Oddly enough, getting rid of this problem can be easy and simple. You just need to remember to show your partner love and care, and tell them how much they mean to you. If you want to say something, say it right away, don’t wait for the right moment. Very often, women lose trust in their husbands after the birth of a child. For some reason they think that after giving birth, men pay less attention to them. Of course, this is quite possible if a woman stops taking care of herself. But if you value yourself, value your relationships, stop suspecting your partner of all sins.
2. Low value of marriage for society. Many young people who grew up in single-parent families believe that marriage is nonsense. The importance and value of marriage, which was once considered a symbol of decency and nobility, is now just a trifle. Couples can be in unregistered relationships for a long time, and sometimes even have children without getting married.
3. Financial difficulties. Believe it or not, people who earn a high and stable income are more likely to maintain a family than those whose income is average or below average. People don't want to admit it, but money matters. Where there is not enough money, people become nervous, disappointed in their partners and in life in general.
4. Taking your partner “for granted.” Surely, you spent a lot of time in order to win your partner. But why do all your attraction efforts end after marriage? If you don't try to be attractive to your partner, there is a high probability that he will start looking for someone on the side.
5. Marriage too hasty. Many people in our world are afraid that they will spend their lives alone. Therefore, as soon as an option appears on the horizon that will help solve these fears, the girls are immediately ready to run to the registry office. However, there is no need to rush in this matter. It is better to get to know a person, his character and habits before you legalize a relationship with him.
6. Alcohol and drug addiction. In addition to these ailments, this also includes inhumane behavior and gambling. In general, any action that can be called an addiction.
7. Lack of sex and presence of cheating. Lack of sex and passion in a marriage can often be a reason for divorce. Marriages are built on a strong foundation of healthy intimacy. If it does not exist, you should seek advice from a specialist. Such problems can be easily solved with the help of a psychologist. Actually, just like adultery. Of course, this is a serious blow to the relationship, but thanks to the timely help of a specialist, this blow does not always lead to divorce.
8. Intervention by outsiders. The husband and wife must make it clear to their relatives and friends that they are a full-fledged unit of society, which can cope with all difficulties on its own. Don't let your parents have an unhealthy influence on your family relationships.
9. Past fears in relationships. Try to leave all your fears and bad experiences from your relationship with your ex-boyfriend in the past, don’t drag them along with you. Open up to your partner; there is no need to suspect him of all the mistakes of his past passion.
10. Marriage is not for love. Most people get married because of pressure from family and relatives, but this should not be the case. Many people simply see their friends getting married, so they try to quickly jump on the departing train. Some people get married because of premarital pregnancy. Young couples are immature and cannot understand the meaning and responsibility that comes with marriage. When everything falls into place, and they realize that there is no love, they begin to think about ending the relationship.

Don't make decisions about divorce rashly. Marriage is not a room that you can easily enter and exit. This is what should keep you together forever. Of course, it requires patience, understanding, trust, effective communication, healthy physical and emotional relationships, and most importantly, love and care for each other.