The mother requires close communication with her daughter. Mother and daughter - relationship problems

To talk about her painful relationship with her mother, 40-year-old Katerina writes the book “Mom, Don’t Read!” Confession of an “ungrateful” daughter.” In it, she lists in detail her childhood and adult attempts to earn her mother’s love, which were unsuccessful every time. She is not writing for her mother - this is how she is trying to get rid of the pain that “stretched out for many years and has not subsided to this day”...

Natalya is 36 years old, and she considers her mother to be her best friend. “We often call each other, go shopping together, and every weekend I come to her with the children. We are very close,” she shares. And after a pause, he admits that the visits are not entirely voluntary. If you miss even one, she feels guilty. Like in her youth, when her mother reproached her for selfishness, constantly reminding her of what she sacrificed in life while raising her “ungrateful daughter”...

Katerina, Natalya - these two adult women never managed to reconcile, forgiving their own mother, or free themselves from dependence and guilt. In other words, they never became truly adults. Why is this so difficult?

“Mother and daughter - the relationship between them is unique,” ​​says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. - They always contain guilt and forgiveness, affection and rebellion, incomparable sweetness and incomparable pain, inevitable similarity and its fierce denial, the first and main experience of our “together” - and the first attempt to still be separately...

Competition. Struggle. Fear. A piercing need for attention, for approval. Horror at the power of this need. Love, sometimes manifesting itself in murderous, suffocating forms. The first experience of subordination to power, “superior enemy forces” - and the first experience of one’s power over another person. Jealousy. Unspoken grievances. Grievances expressed. And above all this is the uniqueness of these relationships. There won’t be another one.”

Together, then separately

In early childhood, almost complete fusion with the mother is necessary for the child in order to survive. “The feeling of security that arises thanks to such a symbiosis helps him grow, mature and gradually begin an independent life,” says psychoanalyst Elina Zimina. “But if there was no such closeness, the desire to merge with the mother, to feel her unconditional love may remain the most important, the main thing.”

This is why so many adults look at the world through the eyes of their mother, act as she would act, and hope for her approval and gratitude.

For a girl, a mother is a perfect omnipotent being of the same sex. It is later, from about three to six years old, that she begins to compete with her for her father's love. Girls find it easier to distance themselves from their mother compared to boys, for whom the mother becomes a “love object.” But if this does not happen, the merger can turn into dependence: they see only similarities in each other.

An adult who continues to struggle with his parents most likely never separated from them.

Remaining in a close relationship with her mother, the girl stops growing up, because she does not feel like a separate person. Only by moving away can one discover differences: “how am I different from her?”, “what am I?”, “who am I as a woman?” By keeping her daughter close to her, the mother prevents her from finding answers to these questions.

“Gradual separation, separation from parents, creates within us the mental space necessary to feel our characteristics and desires, including our femininity,” explains Elina Zimina. “It is the ability to distinguish between what belongs to me and what belongs to another.”

You can compare yourself with someone who is in equal or almost equal positions with us. However, for a child, the mother is a creature devoid of shortcomings. To see a real woman in her, you have to overthrow her from an imaginary pedestal. It is enough to recall the intensity of passions between teenagers and parents to understand how painful this de-idealization occurs.

“When a teenager sees real people in their parents, the degree of hostility usually decreases,” says the psychoanalyst. - And an adult who continues to fight with his parents, most likely. never separated from them.”

But the separation does not end there, and the girl who becomes a woman, a mother, every time has to establish a new distance with her own mother.

The third one is not superfluous

Contradictions and conflicts, obvious or hidden, are always present in the relationship between mother and daughter. “A mother can painfully experience the loss of her daughter’s unconditional love when she, in the Oedipal phase of development, transfers her love to her father,” explains Elina Zimina. - Unlike girls, a boy at this age continues to love his mother. Therefore, there is less conflict and more harmony in the relationships between mothers and sons. But in the relationship between mother and daughter there can be more contradictory feelings: in addition to love, there is jealousy, envy and rivalry.”

For a daughter, both poles of maternal love are equally dangerous: its lack and excess.

In this regard, the image of the little girl that the mother herself once was clearly shines through. This image brings her back to memories of her own childhood, her relationship with her own mother, her experience of love and pain.

For a daughter, both poles of maternal love, its lack and excess, are equally dangerous. But the relationship between mother and daughter is not a relationship between two, but always three people. “The father separates them and tells his daughter: “I am your mother’s husband and lover,” explains Elina Zimina. “At the same time, he supports his daughter, admiring her femininity, and makes it clear that later she will meet a man who will give her the love she desires.”

The third person who helps mother and daughter separate from each other may not only be the father or the mother's partner. An idea, a hobby, a job - something that can completely capture a woman’s thoughts, so that during this time she forgets about the child and feels “separated” from him.

A psychotherapist can, of course, play this role. “There is one “but” that is often not taken into account in dreams and plans,” insists Ekaterina Mikhailova. “Any third person is a temporary figure: having fulfilled his role, he must fade into the background, making room for the development of relations.”

Far and near

Where is the border between a good, trusting relationship and complete dependence on the desires and moods of the mother? It is not always easy to find the answer to this question. Especially now, when friendly relations with the mother (“mother-friend”) are becoming the ideal of many women. But often they hide the lack of distance, that very “uncut umbilical cord.”

Daily calls, requests for advice, intimate details - this is how it looks in life. But constant conflicts, and even a gap between mother and daughter, do not mean that there is no emotional connection between them. Distance is also not an indicator. “A daughter can be extremely dependent on her mother, despite the fact that they are separated by thousands of kilometers, or live with her in the same house and be independent,” says Elina Zimina.

A woman’s natural desire to become independent can be hampered by her mother’s often unconscious desire to keep her close to her. “Sometimes she perceives the child’s separation as evidence that he no longer loves her and abandons her - perhaps this is due to her own experience of sudden separation,” Elina Zimina gives an example. - She may be unsure of her own femininity and jealous of her daughter’s beauty. Or consider himself entitled to control her life, because he sees his continuation in her. A single woman may look for a substitute husband or her own mother in her child.”

If parents allow their children to be free, but are ready to support if necessary, then the separation will be peaceful

In response, the daughter manifests anxieties - fear of losing her mother's love, self-doubt, fear of men... Some mothers want to keep their daughter at any cost, others, on the contrary, strive to “get rid of” her as quickly as possible. At the first teenage attempts to declare independence, they say: “okay, you are completely free and independent, you can live as you want.”

But behind this lies rejection. “Adult children also need support,” explains Elina Zimina. “And if parents allow them to be free, but are ready to support if necessary, then the separation will most likely be peaceful and good relations will remain.”

Path to freedom

True independence comes when a woman critically evaluates the attitudes, modes of behavior, and life scenarios she inherited from her mother. It is impossible to completely abandon them, since this will make her isolated from her own femininity. But accepting them entirely means that she, while remaining a copy of her mother, will never become herself.

“Usually, those who are able to unilaterally “withdraw their claims” and stop nourishing painful relationships with their hopes, grievances, or playing the role of an ideal mother or daughter, manage to move in the direction of seemingly desired, but still not coming, independence,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. - Too close relationships are mutual. Often it only seems that “mom won’t let go” - both are not ready to move into a new phase of the relationship, but responsibility for this is usually assigned to the older one.”

If we really want changes, we need to start with a few tough questions to ourselves, advises Ekaterina Mikhailova: “What am I hiding from myself, explaining all the problems in my life by pressure, influence, interference and the need to take care of this other? Maybe it’s me who fills the emotional void by playing the game of independence?

Maybe the world behind me scares me so much that it’s easier for me to stay in a strange mixture of a fight, a dance and an embrace with that other woman? What do I hope for, continuing to sort things out, making peace, quarreling, reproaching - or pampering and pleasing? Maybe, deep down in my heart, I still believe that it will be possible to prove something, that “she” will agree, accept, approve...”

How can we understand whether we have really managed to become independent and have severed the maternal umbilical cord? This is so if we are no longer torn apart by contradictory feelings, no longer tormented by internal conflicts. If we ourselves regulate the degree of trust and distance in our relationship with our mother, without feeling guilty. We can objectively assess in what ways we are similar and in what ways we are different from each other. And finally, if we feel that we are connected with our mother by certain ties, but are not tightly attached to her.

"Difficult" mothers

As adults, we begin to build relationships with our mothers in new ways. However, with some of them this turns out to be especially difficult. Psychologist Susan Cohen and journalist Edward Cohen list 10 common types.

1. Narcissistic. She dreams of seeing in her daughter a pretty doll who would think only about her mother.
2. Controlling. She has a rule for every case. And every time she tells her daughter that she did not fulfill it.
3. Dependent on other people's opinions. She worries about what the neighbors will think, even when her daughter has long grown up and left the city.
4. Seductive. Always dressed in fashion, too short, too tight. She flirts with any man she meets, including her daughter’s friends.
5. Suffocating. Helps even when children don't need it.
6. Borderless. Takes her child's successes and failures very close, too close to her heart...
7. Criticizing. He blames her for everything that her daughter (doesn’t) do, as well as for what she dreams of.
8. Closing my eyes. Thinks that everything is not going so badly, even when it can’t get any worse.
9. Omniscient. She has long since done everything that her daughter ever hoped to do, and much better than she did.
10. Accusing. She is always dissatisfied, but expects her children to lay down their lives to satisfy her desires and dreams.

The relationship between mother and daughter is purely individual, depending on their personal characteristics, family norms, and the current life situation.

Ideally, communication between mother and adult daughter should be warm, gentle and sympathetic.

But if disputes constantly arise between women, this also does not mean anything. Perhaps this is their communication style and how they express their affection for each other. In their understanding, this is “just a conversation”, not a quarrel. Such communication does not create discord between them. But other options for the relationship between an adult daughter and mother are also possible.

Balance on the brink of conflict

Between mother and daughter, there is a constant showdown of relationships in a raised voice on any occasion, be it work, leisure, or the concept of raising children. Their opinions on all issues do not coincide and, sometimes, disputes move from initial topics to personal ones. From the outside, one may get the impression that they are too different and therefore cannot communicate calmly. But in fact, this type of relationship develops when mother and daughter are very similar. Both women have leadership qualities and each strives to become the main one. Some, in order to reduce conflict situations to a minimum level, stop communicating closely. Others, on the contrary, arrange demonstrative quarrels, trying to demonstrate to themselves and others their “nepotism”, earning nervous disorders in the process.
Recommendations. Try to become softer (whether you are a daughter or a mother) and start behaving differently. Keep your emotions under control. Make it a habit to show affection towards each other: kisses goodbye, declarations of love. Over time, this style of communication will become a habit.

Either together or apart...

Such a relationship between mother and daughter presupposes the absence of close ties as such: there are no conflicts, but there is no friendship either. Women may not see each other for years, even living in the same city. They do not share their joys and sorrows, do not discuss each other’s problems, preferring “not to strain” each other. The lack of emotional connection between mother and daughter has a negative impact on the younger generation. After all, in order to become an exemplary mother, a woman needs knowledge of the psychology of the child and the psychology of family relationships, and who else but her own mother can tell you about this and suggest solutions to difficult situations.
Recommendations. There are many reasons why a cool relationship between mother and daughter can be established: problems in the mother’s personal life, career, child being too early. We must try to catch up. Grandchildren are a great opportunity to improve your relationship with your daughter and start spending more time with her. And the daughter will be able to take a fresh look at her mother’s position in life, because she is now also a mother.

Ode to manipulation

Lies and manipulation are the norm for women. But when they are the basis of the relationship between mother and daughter, then a good relationship between them is just an appearance. The mother is afraid of losing her daughter's attention and being left alone. And the daughter tries to look perfect and indulges all the whims of her mother. So it turns out that the basis of these relationships is elementary insincerity. The daughter needs the support of her mother and is afraid of being left without her participation, so she can also resort to manipulation of feelings.
Recommendations. Both mother and daughter need to change their views on the basis of the relationship between them. The main thing should be participation in joys, and not help in difficulties. Try to create more pleasant moments in your relationship (walk together in the park, go to the cinema). Do not perceive your relationship with your mother or daughter as fulfilling a duty, but enjoy the communication.

Very close or too dependent?

The relationship in such a mother-daughter pair seems ideal: warm, attentive, even touching. But upon closer examination, it becomes clear that there is clearly too much proximity here. Usually, “such” mother and daughter live together for too long: it’s high time for the daughter to get married and start her own family. Even if a daughter manages to start a family, her mother is present in her, visibly or invisibly. But this participation develops into control and intrusive help that irritates the rest of the family.
Recommendations. Dear daughter, it’s time for you to grow up and start showing independence. Keep secrets from your mom, do something that your mom can’t or won’t participate in. Try to loosen the too close connection between you. Otherwise, you will not be able to get rid of problems in your personal life.

People say about a daughter: “gave birth to a nanny,” about a son, “gave birth to a baby doll.” It is understood that even in a small child the mother will:

• hostess;
• nurse;
• assistant;
• support, both in business and emotional.

Unfortunately, relationships between daughter and mother rarely work out well - even if everything is smooth on the surface. The absence of obvious conflicts is not yet a reason to assume that there are no problems in this dyad. For example, competition, envy, jealousy and other difficulties.

In fact, a mother’s tasks at the birth of a daughter are not one gram easier than at the birth of a son.

Let's see what really happens in the relationship between daughter and mother.

She is me: difficulty number 1

When giving birth to a son, many women still understand: who the hell knows how to raise him. It's not clear how to educate. I'll go and ask my husband. And before the heap, I will be more attentive, at almost every step. The son is perceived as a separate person more often and stronger (except for cases when, “according to Freud,” the mother “gave birth to her own penis,” i.e., a part of herself that will represent / prove / demonstrate her successes).

Problems with my daughter are of a completely different kind. “I am a woman - and she is a future woman,” mothers reason. “I know exactly how to raise her.” Behind this confusion - “my daughter is the same as me” - many differences are hidden:

• in temperament;
• in preferences;
• in achievements (“these are all my genes,” “I also loved music/mathematics, I’m a great cook/knitting/drawing skillfully”).

The second option is that the relationship between daughter and mother is loaded with maternal expectations:

1. that she will be just like her mother;
2. or not like that - he will make her dreams come true, will not allow her mistakes;
3. or help with housework (and it doesn’t matter what the daughter’s preferences and inclinations are, “mom knows best”);
4. or help - in the form of a coalition “against the world” or “against men”.

In total - “she is a little/second me” - does not work, or rather, every time the mother tries to “push” her daughter into this Procrustean bed, and a living person always “crawls out” of it, does not fit. Or he gets involved, but begins to get sick, suffer in silence, relationships with men do not go well in adulthood...

Competition, or I know better!

Competition is something that little girls already face. I don’t think that mothers do this on purpose and out of malice. First, it’s more convenient to do it yourself, and then it may well turn out that the mother is looking for mistakes in her daughter and, without hesitation, corrects them.

And who will tell her that she is wrong, if not her own mother?

Mark competition desires (external) such as

• trying to make your daughter better (than she is, yeah, but she’s just g...o ordinary);
• attempts to warn, protect (“she can’t handle it on her own”);
• indications of shortcomings in immeasurable quantities (namely, objectively more than support).

Instead of “let’s see what you got,” the first thing to do is

1. accusation (“you are causing damage with your actions”, “we are always paying for you”, “I had to pay a hefty amount for the courses/training/“tower”!);
2. shame (everything is always wrong; you are not what you should be; “you’re sitting wrong, you’re whistling wrong” (c) anecdote);
3. intimidation (“something will happen to you”, “you will be completely mistaken” = you won’t be able to cope on your own).

With age comes the problem that the daughter can really do something better. And at the very least, men like it more. Older women often give up their positions, unable to move to the next age, rich in its opportunities and achievements.

The relationship between a grandmother and a young mother is also filled with competition. Which one of them knows better? Which one is more competent and stronger?

Only the most “advanced” and holistic, not traumatized in their “achievement” (narcissistic) part, are able to give their daughter space:

so that she makes mistakes - and learns from her mistakes,

I tried it and it worked.

If a mother wants to be her daughter: crooked daughters and mothers

The worst type of relationship is when the roles of mother and daughter are reversed. At the same time, the mother may well carry out the household part (or she may not). But there is no safe place for my daughter emotionally. She has no one to come to to calm her down, caress her, take pity on her, console her, and stand her in her teenage rebellion.

Mom, as a rule, herself “under-loved” or “over-loved,” does not want to take the position of a mother. She is not capable or cannot “contain” (withstand, explain) her daughter. Instead, it depends on the mother’s mood what the daughter receives – affection or yelling. The mother not only competes (as a supposed equal, but in unequal conditions) - the mother literally forces her daughter to serve her emotionally.

Listen...

Support...

Calm down...

Stay sober and reasonable while I rage...

Dispel my fears...

And this is the shortest path to a codependent relationship and a “shoulder” that must be “pulled” through life. All this is called parentification - when children perform the role of a parent for their parents. How does it end? In different ways, but more often than not, daughters do not receive enough of the valuable emotional experience of childhood, carelessness (“I had to be vigilant to see what mood my mother was in”). Such daughters are not confident in themselves and are not sure that they can be loved “just like that” - only for their deeds and for serving another person.

Is everything so gloomy?

Are there really only problems in the lives of daughters and mothers? Of course not. There is also a special type of intimacy that is only possible between beings of the same sex. There will be a place for “one’s own language”, special “women’s” activities, which have always been used as a tuning fork, as something pacifying and creating a special female circle of “we”. There is a place for nurturing, maintaining and confirming identity:

Yes, daughter, you are a woman, and I’m happy for you/proud of you.

This can also be “broadcast” by other women of the clan and family: sisters, aunties, mother-in-law and many others.

However, this is only possible if the mother:

• doesn’t look young, doesn’t compete with her daughter like she does with her sister;
• does not become a “daughter”, is able to serve her own emotional needs;
• does not “get stuck” in the relationship with her daughter, and is able to let her go, let her fill her bumps and her experience.

Psychology, as a science, became a separate field by historical standards quite recently: just about 100 years ago. All this time, it was rapidly developing, branching into different approaches and schools, looking for ways to heal people’s phobias, traumas and grievances.

Such hitherto unknown public institutions as children's rights and individual rights appeared. The concepts of “personal boundaries”, “trust”, “self-realization” have become firmly entrenched in our lives.

People of the post-industrial era pay close attention to many pressing issues: who am I in the modern world, relationships between a man and a woman, relationships between a parent and a child. Today on the pages of the online magazine “Korolevnam.ru” we want to highlight such an important topic as: “Mother and daughter, psychology of relationships” and talk about it.

As you want and as it happens

Our relationship with our mother is formed throughout our lives, perhaps even from the womb. And sometimes, by the time we reach adulthood or at a more mature stage of life, we get something completely different from what we would like or dream about.

In most cases, the psychology of the relationship between mother and adult daughter is too confused and full of resentment and pain. Such relationships are far from a sincere and warm exchange of feelings, attention, and care. They are not harmonious, they are either cold, exhausting, or downright hostile.

Sometimes they dry up, are interrupted, sometimes they find harmony. But the relationship never becomes neutral. And every woman has to deal with this, sometimes for years, and sometimes throughout her life.

Let's see what important stages every girl goes through during her life, but not on her own, but always together with her mother:

- birth

— physiology

- creative activity

- female influence

- women's power over life

Birth

Birth , as you know, is a difficult test for both the child and the mother. It can be risky and painful. Many newborns suffer birth injuries, and they have to deal with their consequences throughout their lives.

For a mother, this is always a hormonal change in the body, sometimes new difficulties of a material nature, a “swing” of emotions from joy to devastation, and prolonged psychological discomfort.

The mother's condition directly affects the psyche of the baby, who is dependent on her mother. But a newborn daughter, no matter how surprising it may sound, also influences her mother.

Some damage during childbirth can complicate the daughter’s empathy and contact; she may respond to closeness and affection not in the way the mother would like. And then the first brick of misunderstanding is laid in the psychology of the relationship between daughter and mother.

Physiology

All physiological changes in the daughter's body they also affect the mother. Mom sees her daughter growing up, turning into a girl, then into a woman. This can disturb her, frighten her, even cause envy if the mother herself had a traumatic growing up or she felt lonely during these periods.

Then the mother simply cannot cope with her daughter’s physiological changes. And it can reject, devalue, frighten her. The daughter is very vulnerable at these moments, she needs support, advice, acceptance of her new look.

And if the mother cannot give this, then a wave of indignation, fear, mistrust rises in the daughter... Thus, another brick of alienation appears in the growing wall between them.

Creative activity

When does my daughter develop creative impulses , and this happens already at 3-4 years old, she searches for herself and chooses where to realize her potential. The mother may face a lot of her own negativity, neuroses and expectations that she will present to her daughter.

Many mothers want to squeeze their daughters into the vice of the image and activities they have invented; they do not hear or see the aspirations of their daughters. Mothers can transfer their own dreams, expectations and unrealized plans to their daughters, directing them along a completely alien path.

And such a breakdown of character and will does not lead to anything good. The wall between daughter and mother grows to the skies.

Female influence

When a girl grows up and begins to realize her female influence to the opposite sex, mom also interacts with her sexuality. She can experience a wide range of emotions: from envy and rejection to tenderness and acceptance.

Her behavior with friends, her daughter's admirers, and romantic interests leave an indelible imprint on all their future relationships. The psychology of the relationship between a mother and an adult daughter ultimately develops depending on whether the mother accepted or did not accept the daughter’s sexuality.

If a mother was rude to her daughter’s emerging sexuality, the daughter begins to see her enemy as her mother, and then it can be very difficult to correct this.

Women's power over life

And the last important moment in the daughter’s growing up, which they go through together with their mother, is female power over life. The ability to bear and bring a new life into the world, to give it support and acceptance, is an amazing and responsible gift that a woman has.

But every woman would like to determine her relationship with this gift at her own discretion. And how many stories do we know of interference, unsolicited control, pressure on women from mothers.

The struggle for grandchildren, invasion of a daughter’s separate family, excessive guardianship, manipulation, and so on... There are many such stories.

And as a result, we know a large number of single mothers of already adult daughters, with whom their daughters prefer not to communicate, and their grandchildren are not close to them... The problem of loneliness of mothers of the older generation is very relevant and is a direct result of the wall that has been built between them for years.

Mom and daughter: two in a boat

The offended party often thinks that only she suffered, that the quarrel did not cause damage to the other participant, deservedly feels sorry for herself and does not see the losses of the other side. The psychology of the relationship between mother and daughter can be so conflicting that you can’t tell who has it worse, and mother and daughter consider themselves the only victim, and the other the only one to blame. In some difficult cases this happens.

But most often, daughter and mother complain about the other, not realizing that they go through the main stages of a woman’s journey together.

At these moments they are similar to each other, like two peas in a pod. Both are just scared girls, big and small, facing challenges to their physiology, the world, and conventions. Both don't know how to deal with them.

We have looked at several of the most important and difficult challenges of women's destiny. Each of these challenges leaves an indelible mark, and sometimes traumatizes both mother and daughter at the same time.

Not taking this fact into account means forever building barricades and walls between them. And they need to walk this difficult women’s path together, supporting each other, and understanding that they are in a bond, that they need to negotiate.

That’s why it’s so important to talk about these topics, look for points of pain and fear that are common to all women, and learn to cope with them.

5 stages of a mother-daughter relationship in crisis

Dialogue between mother and daughter is possible at any difficult stage of their relationship, the main thing is to find a desire to hear each other. In moments of crisis, their relationship goes through approximately five main stages.

Harmonious connections, as we know, do not develop suddenly; they have a certain evolution.

And if some stages are not completed, if the mother or daughter gets stuck in them, then such relationships are at a dead end, mutual perspective is lost, and the participants can be frozen in resentment for a long time, causing irreparable wounds to themselves and each other.

Let's look at these stages:

1. Symbiosis

This is a natural stage of relationships, starting from birth, when the daughter is completely dependent on her mother. The baby needs love, a safe space, acceptance. She herself does not yet know how to give this to herself. She only learns these basic things from her mother, trusting in everything and assimilating her attitude towards herself, towards people, towards the world... Mom, in turn, needs the devotion and unconditional love of a child’s heart, when she is “the best”, “the most beautiful” for her daughter. , “the wisest” in the world.

If at this stage a girl does not receive enough attention and love from her mother, she risks being stuck for many years in the stage of symbiosis, eternally pleasing her mother, winning her mother’s love, without ever starting to live in her own interests.

If a mother completely merges with her daughter and ignores her age-related changes and independence, then she also risks being stuck for a long time in the stage of merging with her daughter. Not allowing the daughter to go out into an independent life, not allowing her to become an independent person.

2. Disputes, rebellion

In the natural course of events, the relationship between mother and daughter inevitably moves into the second stage. The daughter has already accumulated a sufficient reserve of criticality; she does not accept much both in her mother’s attitude and in the mother herself, as a person. The daughter begins to rebel, criticize her mother, and look for her own solutions in life. This is the stage of testing the mother's authority for strength. The stage of the daughter finding her personal boundaries.

Moms try to maintain authority in different ways. If this is a wise mother, she will enter into a dialogue with her daughter, try to hear her, try to explain her motives and actions. He will be able to provide his daughter with enough personal space without intruding on it with a harsh dictatorship. But it often happens differently.

Mothers try to maintain authority using forceful methods: very strict control, devaluation, manipulation, blackmail, intimidation. And what’s even worse, sometimes mothers let the fate of their rebellious daughter take its course, ceasing to care about her altogether... The results are disastrous.

You can also get stuck in this stage for a long time, sometimes for life. In a situation where the mother does not want to recognize her daughter’s independence, right to opinion and personal experience, and the daughter has forever labeled her mother as an insensitive dictator, without seeing her as a living and imperfect person, the confrontation can drag on for years without bearing any fruit.

3. Separation. Gap

Sooner or later, a break occurs in the relationship between the mature daughter and mother. This is an important process of real separation of a daughter from her mother, leaving the parental family.

Gaining independence not only in words, but also in deeds. The daughter begins to live her own life: builds a career, starts a family, and may move to another city or country. Has a circle of interests and communication, sometimes very far from the circle of interests of the mother. The mother becomes far from the main person in her daughter’s heart and life...

At this stage, you can move far away from each other, lose sight of each other, especially if a large ball of mutual grievances has grown. The daughter believes that her mother cannot give her anything now, that she does not understand anything about her life and values, and there is no time to explain. And the mother may feel humiliated, useless, lonely...

4. Independence

This is the stage of finding both of your boundaries. The daughter acquires a clear understanding that she is not her mother, but her mother is a completely separate person, with her own destiny, difficulties, and imperfections.

That they both went through a difficult process of merging and breaking, and can, with mutual desire, build further relationships in new positions - adults, individuals.

The mother understands that the daughter is not an object to be controlled and not a provider of unconditional love, but an individual with whom friendships can be built on equal terms.

This is a period of crossroads, making decisions about the possibility and format of further relationships.

5. Gratitude and respect

If all the stages are passed, albeit not immediately, albeit with difficulties, and if both women: daughter and mother, have decided to continue the relationship, then calm tenderness, respect, and gratitude can arise.

And love, not overshadowed by unbearable expectations and criticism.

To sum it up...

We all dream of harmonious, warm, enriching relationships. And often we want to receive them right away, for free, as a birthright. In our dreams, a mother is a gentle, intelligent woman who helps us go through the difficult path of self-identification, being in a position of adult and protective strength.

But in reality, most often it turns out that our mother is a girl just as confused and frightened by life as we are, who has not received enough affection and wise advice.

She also wants forgiving love, wisdom and support...

Only the mature position of a daughter, who has learned to support and nourish herself, can become for her mother an example of the development of new relationships full of care. Only the mature position of a mother, who has learned not to transfer her pains and fears onto her daughter, can help her become a close person to her daughter.

Always remember: harmony is difficult, but achievable!

Conversation in a raised tone, mutual accusations, unwillingness to reconcile - this is what the psychology of the relationship between mother and daughter often boils down to.

“Why did you give birth to me?!” in exchange for “I sacrificed everything for you, and you!” Perhaps it is much more difficult to resolve this family relationship than to reconcile spouses after betrayal. After all, the conflict here involves blood, almost in the literal sense of the word. When an adult daughter looks at her mother, who do you think she sees - with subconscious vision? A woman who caused her inhuman pain during childbirth, what is it worth when the skull bones of the fetus are found one on top of the other under the pressure of the muscles of the birth canal! Then, to this lump of pain are added mother’s screams, tears, spanking, dissatisfaction and irritation with the child. This emotional negative series is always present in the relationship between mother and daughter, only to varying degrees.

The same pattern exists in the opposite direction: for a mother, a daughter is a source of terrible birth torment, to which, link by link, children’s whims, illnesses and disobedience are added.

Why do young children have a better, warmer relationship with their mother? There are several reasons:

• at an early age, the child sees safety and protection in his mother, these priorities are the most important in the first years of life,
• young children are very interested in what is happening around them. Their curiosity is so great that it overrides the sense of danger. Imagine that you are in the treasury of King Solomon - the desire to see and touch everything is simply off the charts!
• The main goal in preschool age is survival. Therefore, the child’s mind is fully occupied with the normal development of the body. And the low level of awareness does not yet allow for the subconscious painful moments of the psychology of the relationship between mother and daughter.

With age, the situation changes quickly. The growth of consciousness more often takes the girl into her inner world, questions appear about the meaning of life, purpose, and the first signs of mental loneliness. If initially, from the first years of life, there was no contact between mother and daughter, then in adolescence it is quite difficult to create it. You can't build a house without a foundation. In addition, looking into yourself is unsafe, although it is interesting. But it is there, in the depths of the subconscious, that there are layers of experienced mutual troubles - the negative, unlike moments of pleasure, has the ability to accumulate. When the relationship between mother and adult daughter continues to heat up, it is difficult to imagine how many painful memories have accumulated in the thoughts of both. That's why:

• even without words they feel uncomfortable being around,
• Any small remark from the mother causes an inappropriate storm(!) of emotions in the daughter. Now you know for what reason - the whole mass of acquired mental and physical pain arose,
• The older you get, the parent’s care and help causes more resistance than gratitude.

Object that teenage selfishness may be to blame. Are you sure that its cause does not lie in the untouched deposits of the consequences of family ties. Of course, there are always several reasons for any situation. But looking for them today is pointless.

How to improve the relationship between mother and daughter?

Communication and love. These are universal methods. If you love your child, then:

• talk to him as often as possible. Don’t find out where you were and with whom, but simply ask: “how are you?”, “What’s your mood?”, “What are you thinking about?” or dreaming. It seems to me that these words are rarely heard between you,
• hug, stroke, take her hand, straighten her hair. Any touch is also communication, only wordless. In addition, this was the first language of conversation between mother and fetus,
• find common interests. Handicrafts, cooking, take the dog and go for a walk together. Or, let’s say, invite your daughter to go to a cafe or to the cinema. I’m sure she will be extremely surprised, and most likely will refuse, in an effort to maintain her position of alienation, but she will definitely be pleased. Spend time together, remember how good you had a walk in the park, how you sledded or relaxed on the beach when your daughter was little. But in front of you is she, and not a stranger...

The psychology of the relationship between mother and daughter will improve faster when sincerity appears. Perhaps now the mother is not ready to hear her daughter’s revelations, and vice versa. It's OK. Try to be sincere with someone else, for example, with a good psychologist, talk out what has boiled over the years of living together, it won’t hurt both the mother and her child to understand themselves. Conversation will ease the heavy burden of negative emotions and make relationships easier.

Another useful way is to write a letter to your daughter, express in it what you have been silent about for many years, write without stopping until irritation and resentment towards the child is replaced by slight calm. Then burn the letter.

There is an expression: “Every parent deserves his children.” This is not a reproach, the point is different. Fate does not send us the people we want, but those we need - they love, or cause suffering, break us, teach us to become what we should become. And the child for parents is teacher No. 1.

I wish you to hear each other and understand.