My husband's younger brother is molesting me. My brother is molesting me What should I do if my brother is molesting me

Help me please. I don't know what to do now. I woke up last night to a strange noise. My sleep is very sensitive. I woke up and saw: my younger brother is standing next to my bed with a phone in his hands, the blanket is thrown back from me. I understand that he wanted to take a picture of me. He pulled back the covers and I woke up. I didn’t immediately understand what was the matter ... I said: what are you doing here? There was no one at home, except for my younger sister and me.

At first she tried to pretend that she did not understand what he was doing. Then she could not stand it, got dressed, went into his room, shouted at him. He didn't say anything to me and didn't say anything. We are both in our 20s and I am older than my brother. I don’t want to see him anymore, hear him ... I feel sick as soon as I remember. I don't know what to do now. I can’t tell my mother, she has a very weak heart ... I’m afraid that she will hate him, and he is the only son. I don't know who to turn to. Please advise what should I do in this situation.

In terms of religion:

Close relatives of the opposite sex - mahrams (relatives, marriage between whom according to Sharia is prohibited) Islam allows to communicate with each other, look at each other and even, according to a more reliable opinion, touch each other. However, as far as the parts of the body from the navel to the knees are concerned, all looking at and touching them is forbidden!

What exactly prompted your brother to such an act is difficult to say. Perhaps he wanted to somehow use this photo (argued with someone or something), or maybe out of his own curiosity. I think the psychologist will give an explanation for your brother's behavior.

The manifestation of such an unhealthy interest, of course, is reprehensible, condemned and forbidden, moreover, disgusting!

I can say with confidence that nothing like this would have happened at all if your parents had given their son an appropriate upbringing and taught him religion!

According to Islam, parents are highly recommended to marry or marry off their children as soon as possible. If your brother were married, such interest in you, most likely, would not have arisen. Talk to your mother and say that your brother has already grown up, you can even say that, they say, he clearly shows interest in the opposite sex, stares, etc. Find him a bride as soon as possible and marry him. And you, in turn, should close your room at night (if you have one).

From the point of view of psychology:

I have come across the situation you describe many times. Unfortunately, such cases began to occur more and more often, and this is mainly due to distortions in the system of perception of the picture of the world and the moral sphere of a person. Most likely, you are right, and your brother was driven by the desire to take your photo while you sleep and you have a minimum of clothes on. In this case, it makes sense to think about several things at once regarding not only the behavior of your brother, but also yourself.

Usually such behavior on the part of a brother is a consequence of the awakening of sexual desire. Of course, the fact that this attraction was directed to a sister is unpleasant in itself, since this is an extremely unhealthy attraction, the consequences of which are sometimes terrible. However, it is appropriate to think about how such drives are generally formed. Human nature is usually arranged in such a way that a person begins to desire what he most often observes, what is capable of constantly arousing passion. Some people easily succumb to passions due to the weakness of the spiritual sphere, religious beliefs, lack of understanding of what is forbidden and what is allowed. If we take the physiological basis of what is happening with your brother, then this is a consequence of the dissatisfaction of sexual desire and its constant growth. At his age, provided that he is not married, the presence of sexual desire is quite understandable, since the sexual instinct will necessarily manifest itself in one form or another. This once again testifies in favor of the fact that the guys need to marry on time.

Now regarding your personal "contribution" to what happened. You need to understand: the fact that your brother behaved this way may be your own fault, although there was no conscious motive at the basis of it. The fact is that, not perceiving your brother as a man (which is quite natural), you could not attach due importance to what you wear at home, what clothes you are wearing and what parts of the body may be open. This state of affairs could lead to the fact that an unhealthy interest in you gradually awakened in the brother's subconscious. Unfortunately, this anomaly sometimes occurs. Usually this interest begins to grow and reaches the zone of consciousness. Naturally, in the early stages of realizing the unhealthy nature of self-interest, a brother could fight it, but constant observation of you could lead to an increase in interest. The result of this was what you report in your letter. It is not at all necessary that this was the case, but this point of view should not be ignored.

From this it becomes clear what to do next and how to solve the current problem. First things first - the exclusion of the stimulus that awakens interest. Pay close attention to how you are dressed at home, the same applies to your younger sister. If you have not yet told anyone about what happened, then it makes sense to continue to remain silent, since disclosure of what happened will not benefit anyone, but will only harm, and not only damage your brother’s reputation, but also negatively affect his own psychological health. If he decided on such an act, then anything can be expected from him. It's enough for him that you scolded him. In addition, make sure that when you sleep, you are not in too open things - ideally, if you get night pajamas and sleep in them. The same applies to your younger sister.

If there is such an opportunity, talk to your brother, censure his act, but at the same time make it clear that you have forgiven him and, if he does not repeat what he did again, you will forget about what happened as a bad dream and continue to love him as your brother. This can create a positive reputation for him, which he will strive to justify. It is in the nature of man to strive for a good opinion of himself. With the right approach, your problem will be safely resolved and will not happen again in the future.

Muhammad-Amin - Hadji Magomedrasulov
theologian
Aliaskhab Anatolievich Murzaev
psychologist-consultant of the Center for Social Assistance to Families and Children

I'm 15. My cousin is the weather pestering me. But that's not the point. I can somehow protect myself from him. I'm afraid of another. In general, I have a boyfriend and we seem to be doing well with him. But as soon as it comes to various hugs and kisses, I start hysterical and sobbing. I immediately remember how my brother harasses me. I feel very bad, I feel like a whore. Am I going to always cry and remember my brother now when it comes to this? I just get sick when a guy starts kissing. I am afraid that I will never build a family, because in the place of my husband I will always imagine my brother. Help me please. I want to commit suicide.
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Vera, age: 15 / 08/08/2015

Responses:

Verochka, did you tell your parents about your brother's harassment? If not yet, then be sure to share with them and look for a way out together. Suicide is not your option when you talk to your parents, ask them to take you to a psychologist, talk about all your fears and eventually you will be cured and later you will be able to create a happy and strong family. You are not a whore, you are not guilty of anything, but you should not be silent about this, tell your parents about it today and drive away thoughts of suicide.

Divergent, age: 08/22/2015

Good afternoon! Vera see a psychologist. It is necessary to break these fears in the bud before they develop into real phobias. Protect yourself, as far as possible, from communicating with your cousin, do not stay alone with him, threaten that you will tell adults about harassment.

Irina, age: 08/27/2015

Vera, I don’t know what you will do, but I would tell my parents and turn to a psychologist. Problems need to be solved, there is no need to be afraid of it. You are now trying to turn your back on the problem and run away from it through passing away, but it is enough to turn your face to it and just solve it, and the problem will evaporate. You will learn to protect yourself and your interests. You are right and your parents will take your side. Because of the fear of publicity, we often keep silent about things that destroy our psyche. You just need to say out loud: "I will not allow this again!". Don't be afraid and take care of yourself.

Elizabeth, age: 08/29/2015

Faith, do not do anything bad with yourself. In no case do not allow your brother to touch you, even with a finger. You should forget that he harassed you gradually, that is, begin to take it easy. When you forget this, you will not have offensive thoughts to yourself. Be sure to inform your parents about this, let them punish him so that he is afraid to do such a thing . After you forget this story and take it more calmly, your relationship with the guy will improve. I also advise you to talk to a good and competent psychologist, he will help you quickly forget this sad story and improve relations with the guy.

Kinsherg, age: 30 / 08/08/2015

Maria_A, age: 53 / 08/09/2015

Faith! Please don't think about suicide! You are not to blame for anything! Moreover, it’s not worth slandering yourself that you are a whore! Since you wrote here, it means that you have the strength to fight. For your sake, for your parents' sake, don't let this man ruin your life. Listen to the people who write here, turn to your parents, they will understand! They won't judge you, don't be afraid! If you do not have a very trusting relationship, or you are not yet ready to tell them everything, then at least try to approach a school psychologist, or a teacher you trust! Finally, there are hotlines. Just don’t close in on yourself and don’t engage in self-criticism, drive away bad thoughts! Together with your parents and a psychologist, you can get rid of this nightmare! May everything be fine with you!

Undoubtedly, the behavior of children and their actions depend on the upbringing of their parents. If a brother molests his sister, this cannot be called the norm. Perhaps the family itself needs a consultation with a psychologist and his intervention. It usually occurs during childhood or adolescence. It is necessary to give a clear idea of ​​the interaction of brother and sister, especially in sexual terms.

Wrong upbringing

The behavior of the brother, most likely, is due to the failed parenting. They did not convey the necessary information to their child. Such a family is called dysfunctional, and this behavior can completely change the guy's idea of ​​\u200b\u200bgirls.

The brother seeks female attention from his sister. If you close your eyes to this at the first manifestations, incest can occur. And this threatens with serious consequences. The psyche of both children, if we talk about early age, will be broken. One of the reasons is the guy's extremely low self-esteem. He is going through puberty, and he cannot have contact with peers. Again, the intervention of a psychologist is required. First of all, the sister needs to tell her parents about this. And to say it in plain text: "My brother is pestering me."

Ways to solve the problem

What happened, of course, should scare the parents and encourage them to act after the first manifestation of this situation. The general tone and meaning should be unambiguous: it is unacceptable to touch a sister and underage girls, the consequences will be very serious. It would be more correct if it was the father who had a conversation with the boy. He, in turn, must convey what pedophilia is, how such people are treated in certain places. It is necessary to explain what the consequences of this harassment in childhood can be. No need to soften the accents. Parents should understand that it is no longer possible to "go too far" in conveying information. If these cases appear, it is required to close the gaps with this information as soon as possible.

What should you tell your daughter?

She must be told that if the same situation happens, let her say honestly: “My brother is pestering me.” Parents will always be on her side and protect her from any encroachment. It is very important that the girl has a trusting relationship with her mother, then it will be easier for her to talk about the incident.

The work of psychologists

Since the guy does not understand what to do with the sexuality that manifests itself, and can go, among other things, to the rape of his own sister. And even if the girl is against sexual contact, she will not be able to resist it. The boy is stronger and can just close his mouth. During the rape, the girl may experience tonic immobility. At this point, the muscles become immobile due to intense fear. The girl can't even scream. This happens on a subconscious level, often it is not possible to control this process. Perhaps the boy had some kind of sexual experience in childhood, connected with the elders, of which the adults are not aware. After such events, parents may not know that the brother began to molest the sister.

Consequences of harassment

Such behavior on the part of a brother can be dangerous for the psyche of a little girl. The first idea about sexual life adds up the attitude towards sexual life. It also threatens that both children will hate their parents for not saving them.

If a brother nevertheless rapes his sister, psychological trauma will be inevitable. Therefore, do not be ashamed to turn to psychologists. If the boy does not satisfy his sexual desires, he may commit a crime. When the baby grows up, the realization of the fact of violence will come, in which the main character is her brother. Then a person can forever lose himself and his goals in life. Sex at an early age can be the beginning of a dissolute life.

Brother molests sleeping sister

If a brother molests his sister in a dream, then these are mental deviations. He is afraid of judgment and does it in secret. The sister, if she noticed this, needs to seek help from her parents and say: "My brother is pestering me." If he does it implicitly, then just talking will be enough.

How to deal with your desires?

If we talk about a teenager, then parents should tell the child about masturbation. If a brother began to pester his sister, then he has sexual needs. It is necessary to acquaint the child with this side of adult life. Perhaps everything is not as bad as it might seem, and the guy just follows the "call" of the body. It is believed that the best time for a conversation is the age of 10-12 years.

Children, having received theoretical information, must use it in practice. It is necessary to explain to the younger generation that the independent satisfaction of their needs is a common thing, there is nothing wrong with it. During this period, children may already have sexual dreams, and if parents do not tell how to overcome an erection, then this may have a bad effect on the psychological state of the child. It is better to have such a conversation with the father. At least for the reason that I am familiar with this in more detail. This information should be presented briefly and clearly.

As a rule, parents rarely hear from their daughter the words: "My brother is pestering me." However, if this happens, do not hesitate and you need to immediately solve this problem. It is recommended to consult a psychologist to overcome this trouble more delicately. After all, if the parents formulate their thoughts illiterately or “go too far”, then the brother and sister can get even more traumatized.

Consultation

Hello, I really need your advice and moral support. The fact is that my younger brother and I have always had a very close and trusting relationship - well, like two brothers, no more, no less. Of course, he understood that I was a girl, that I was an older sister, but somehow it was all forgotten when we started fooling around, disobeying our parents for a couple and calling each other "bro" ... I must say that I am in the family the eldest child, therefore very independent and "free-thinking", a rebel. My aunt says that my life since birth is a struggle. For example, at a tender age, I ate semolina porridge only with pickles)) But I digress. It so happened that only I bring all the innovations to our very conservative family, and my brother respects me very much for this, trying to follow an example. So he's in a lot of trouble with his parents right now. But he is gentle and vulnerable by nature, he cries over every little thing... Perhaps this will be important. And now he is going through such an age as growing up. I know this because he tells me almost everything. Well, everything that is very important to him, the things he needs support in. He confessed to me that his genitals began to show activity. In short, "I'm sitting at a lecture, I have an erection," sorry for the vulgarity)) Teenage hormones in all their glory. I must add that in our family everyone has an early maturation - I have had my period since the age of 8. We talked very tactfully about this, I explained that if problems suddenly appear during the lesson, then you can hide behind a book and ask to go out, that it’s normal when you like something, to experience excitement, that this is the case with all teenagers, and that the story It is better to clear the browser)) We understood each other, and there were no problems, until recently. I will add that my grandmother lives with us, and she is a little inadequate, we often conflict with her because of this. For example, she can easily start changing clothes in front of us, in front of her brother. She says she doesn't think he's a boy. He also cannot talk to his parents about this topic, and although I read a bunch of articles about boys growing up, I’m still a girl: (So, for some time now, he began to show interest in me like a boy - he rubs, tries to kiss wet", says he got a hard up. I pretend to be a fool, say that he knows how to relieve tension, joking, dump in English ... BUT! This is not normal, I know, and I need advice, please, this is too much hard for me!!I lost my virginity trying to deal with my growing up on my own because my parents only said "Eww" and "We'll talk later", so I had a "surprise" :/ I was 12 by the way. Why am I doing this? And to the fact that I want my brother to grow up normally, and our relationship does not deteriorate ... So tell me, please, WHAT TO DO THAT ??? Thanks in advance.

The opinions of Shafi'i scholars regarding abortion agree that after conception, before the expiration of forty days, having an abortion is makruh (undesirable), and after forty days it is forbidden (haram). Hanafi scholars allow abortion up to 120 days after conception. In no case do not have an abortion after forty days after conception, this is a very big sin.

According to the madhhab of Imam ash-Shafi'i (may Allah be pleased with him), masturbation (masturbation) is a sin. It is reported from Anas ibn Malik that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "He who has masturbated will stand up on the Day of Judgment with a pregnant hand."

As far as I understand from your letter, the circumcision of women in your understanding is the kind of circumcision that was done in times of ignorance, that is, cutting off the clitoris - this cannot be done. In fact, after a proper circumcision, a woman is able to enjoy intimate relationships with her husband in a full and perfect way. According to Islam, circumcision is the removal of a small piece of skin, the so-called "hood", covering the clitoris.

According to the Shafi'i madhhab, circumcision of women is obligatory. Imam an-Nawawi (may Allah be pleased with him) in the book "Mazhmu'" He speaks: "Circumcision for men and women is obligatory." Imam an-Nawawi also says in the book “ Minkhazh»: "It is necessary to circumcise women with a small part of the" meat "over the vagina, and for men - the foreskin." Bayzhurmiyu said in the book "Tuhfat": "Circumcision is an obligatory act in relation to men and women."

In the book "Tuhfat al-Muhtaj" Imam Ibn-Hajar al-Haytami, as, indeed, in other books, says: “It is obligatory to circumcise a woman by cutting off a part of the “meat”, which is at the very top of the female genitals.”

Try to talk to your husband about intimate relationships, buy literature on this subject, put it at home in a conspicuous place for your husband to look through and read. May Allah help you! Amine!

From the point of view of psychology:

The situation is somewhat complex and multifaceted. I will try to help you understand yourself and answer the most important questions. What happened to you is very bad, and it is not your fault. Even if you consider yourself guilty (even if you didn’t tell everything in time or didn’t stop your brother), don’t get hung up on this and forgive yourself, because, by and large, you were still small then and could not appreciate the complexity happening with you. The same applies to your curses against your grandfather and your neighbor: throw them out of your head, as dirty and unnecessary things are thrown out. Be sure that God will judge everyone, and the fact that you curse them is not good for you, rather, on the contrary, it negatively affects you, as it hardens your heart.

The most important thing for you is to let go of anger and resentment, to treat what happened in such a way that it happened in your life, you went through it, but now you have a different life with different goals. Most often, girls who have gone through what you have gone through (and I have experience with similar and more difficult situations) feel guilty. This guilt complex makes you swallow everything negative that happens in your life as a well-deserved punishment. And this, in turn, may affect the fact that others will treat you without due respect. Always remember that others will treat you the way you internally feel, because, imperceptibly to yourself, you send them some signals, information about how you can be treated, what you will endure and what not. It is for this reason that you need to stop blaming yourself for the fact that you were treated badly. Naturally, the scope of our communication limits my understanding of what is happening, but nevertheless there are symptoms common to all victims of violence.

Another, no less important component is your fixation on what your brother did towards you. Here the situation is somewhat more complicated, for the reason that fear of the brother, and anger at him, and love for him (as for a brother) are mixed into one whole. He awakened those needs in you that should have been dormant. The problem is that the simultaneous experience of fear, shame and pleasure has led to the fact that you feel unsatisfied in bed at the present time. This is where the need for masturbation came from. I cannot give an opinion on whether what you are doing is sinful or not, because, firstly, I am not competent in Sharia issues, and secondly, the situation is ambiguous and requires an individual approach. In this case, you have to act on the principle of “choose the lesser of two evils” and decide what will be more harmful for you: continue to masturbate in order to relieve internal tension and bring yourself back to normal, thereby abandoning sinful intentions, or refuse to do so, because it harms your psychological well-being. The negative thing about this can be, and this is very important, that while masturbating, you involuntarily remember what your brother did to you, and this can cause bad fantasies about this, which will cause guilt to accumulate. In addition, by masturbating, you accustom the body to this form of receiving satisfaction, which minimizes the possibility of achieving satisfaction in relations with your husband. The best option for you is to learn how to be satisfied in your relationship with your husband. I also do not rule out that female circumcision can benefit you, since it increases the level of sensitivity of the genitals, and therefore reduces the physical costs on the part of the husband so that you can achieve what you want. In addition, you need to try to be more relaxed in your relationship with your husband and guide him. You must somehow inform him that some of his actions bring you more satisfaction. This is especially true, because it is extremely important for men to feel skillful, skillful and knowledgeable in intimate relationships. You can play on this, namely, by reporting the greatest satisfaction, you will stimulate him to even more active actions, encouraging him to be more liberated.

As for wearing a hijab, then here you can achieve what you want, stepping slowly but surely. It is possible that your husband has his own complexes about how his wife looks. So, if you gradually dress according to Sharia norms, while paying attention to the general style, then it is likely that your husband will take on your new look.

Now let's talk about what forgiveness means to you. You must internally believe that Allah will forgive you if you sincerely repent. Of course, sincere repentance involves correcting and not returning to past sins. Think about the fact that the Almighty loves you, and what happened to you in childhood has some deep meaning, which we are not always able to understand correctly. Unfortunately, I cannot help you much, for the reason that the format of our communication has serious limitations in solving such problems. I really hope I could help you. Peace and prosperity to you!

Gadzhimurad Omargadzhiev
theologian

Aliaskhab Anatolievich Murzaev
psychologist-consultant of the Center for Social Assistance to Families and Children