The relationship of the daughter-in-law with the mother-in-law: advice from psychologists. Secrets of a good relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law

Many young families believe that it is impossible to avoid conflicts between generations. But you can find mutual understanding and improve relations if you strive for peace. Inexperienced daughters-in-law often make excessive demands on their mothers-in-law, believing that they are obliged to love them.

You will have to communicate with your husband's mother quite often, so it is important to find contact with her. The mother-in-law also has a hard time, because she will have to come to terms with the idea that now another woman has influence on her son. The "sharing" of the husband will not lead to anything good - both women mean a lot to him. In order for the relationship to be harmonious, the daughter-in-law must avoid typical mistakes.

Any remark of the mother-in-law causes a storm of emotions in the daughter-in-law and turns into a real tragedy. If from the very beginning, when relations with a man were just emerging, contact with his mother could not be established, then in the future the mother-in-law performs the function of a “lightning rod”. She will have to "accept" all the displeasure of her daughter-in-law, no matter what the reason for it.

A man, as a rule, prefers not to interfere in such a relationship between two beloved women. As a result, all parties suffer - although the young live together, there is no harmony in the family.

This situation is often due to the immaturity of the daughter-in-law. She does not want to notice her mistakes and shifts the responsibility to her mother-in-law. When the husband’s mother interferes too actively in the lives of the young and conducts endless moralizing, it is worth carefully limiting her influence. In this case, a confidential conversation between the son and his mother will help - he must convey that he loves her very much, but has the right to privacy.

It is important to understand that you yourself have chosen this person as your husband, so only you two are responsible for family relationships and mental well-being.

Relationships in the family: mother-in-law is the second mother

Young girls dream that their mother-in-law will become their second mother. They want to fill their inner gap with her help and expect that this desire will be mutual. Not always the mother-in-law is ready to accept the daughter-in-law as a daughter.

If the husband's mother has other intentions, then the relationship does not work out, and women are constantly in conflict. The daughter-in-law projects the grievances that her own mother inflicted on her mother-in-law. And she, in turn, absolutely does not understand what she was guilty of before her son's wife. She cannot love someone else's girl as her own daughter.

So that family relationships do not suffer due to quarrels between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, it is better to draw boundaries. Communication should be based on respect, be related and warm. But avoid the “mother-in-law is the second mother” behavior model. Then there will be fewer complaints.

Mother-in-law should not raise grandchildren

Educate, perhaps, and should not. But in no case should the mother-in-law be forbidden to communicate with her grandchildren - this is simply inhumane. Even if your relationship is not working out, you should not react aggressively to instructions. They do not always indicate that the mother-in-law wants to emphasize your helplessness. Be grateful to your husband's mother for any help, and she will reciprocate.

If you consider it necessary to limit the time your mother-in-law stays with her grandchildren, do it as correctly as possible. Then resentment will not poison your relationship with a man, and destroy inner peace.

This is one of the most common mistakes of girls who are just starting to build relationships in the family and have moved in with their husband's parents. They try to please the mother-in-law and try to help her in everything. But often this only angers the husband's mother. It seems to her that she is no longer the mistress of the house - her daughter-in-law claims this role.

If the mother-in-law with discontent accepts any of your help and criticizes, it is better to take a step back. No need to command in someone else's house. Let the mother-in-law remain the main keeper of the hearth - then she will interfere less in your life. The young wife must come to terms with the fact that the mother-in-law is not obliged to give her the role that she plays in the family.

When a young girl is not ready to mentally separate from her mother, she completely devotes her to a relationship with a man who recently became a husband. This is convenient for my wife - my mother will help, tell me, take on part of the load on the housework. But the husband is unlikely to like this state of affairs. He will spend more evenings with his mother, stay with friends, at work.

Sooner or later, the mother-in-law will begin to complain to the young wife that she does not appreciate her son enough and she should move back to her mother. The advice of doctors in the field of psychology boils down to the fact that the newlyweds should live separately - then the status of the husband will not suffer.

After the wedding, a young wife often encourages her mother-in-law to come to her house without warning - it seems to her that such a position will strengthen relations in the family. But you must have your own space. At first, the husband's mother may be angry if she has not "let go" of her son yet - such is psychology. But over time, he will get used to it and understand what boundaries it is better not to cross.

Politely ask your mother-in-law to always let you know when she wants to visit you. If you do not immediately set the framework, be prepared for the fact that the husband's mother will get used to being an integral part of your family. She will begin to make claims about why her son does not come every weekend, and how dare you go to the sea without her.

Your relationship with a man - your rules

After the young have registered their relationship, they themselves set the rules that the family will obey. Very often, the daughter-in-law wants to earn the approval of her mother-in-law, so she makes concessions in everything. If you let the situation take its course, then soon the mother-in-law will decide how you spend the family budget and with whom to communicate.

A young wife should not demonstrate her moral dependence on her husband's mother. Otherwise, under her pressure, you will begin to develop those rules that will be beneficial to her, and not to you. The mother-in-law may try to influence her son, but you cannot indulge her.

In order not to spoil the relationship with a man, choose a cunning tactic. Agree with your husband's mother in everything, but do it your own way. Do not discuss with her personal problems, the shortcomings of the spouse and other difficulties that relate exclusively to your family.

When the wedding is played, and the young married couple returned from their honeymoon, the pleasant everyday life of the new family begins. A mother-in-law appears in the life of a newly-made wife.

A serious task is to establish good relations with the mother-in-law

The climate in the family, the relationship of the spouses to each other, and, in the end, love depend on how successful this will turn out.

It turns out that the young woman has another relative - her husband's mother. In fact, it is difficult to call a relative of someone who appeared in your life a few months ago. Difficult, but necessary. After all, marriage is a new life, a new status, a new level of your growing up, new, mature relationships with everyone, and especially with your family.

Yes, your husband's mother is part of your new family. Therefore, if you wish your family peace, tranquility and prosperity, you will want to establish these relationships - the relationship of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

Moreover, if a certain conflict situation arises between two generations of women, then this will become a real threat to marriage.

Therefore, it is very important to establish relations between two beloved women of one man.

In the distant past, the mother-in-law was called mother

In the old days, young daughters-in-law called their mother-in-law "mother", which demonstrated the complete acceptance of the young wife into the family. There was no question of any choice - the husband's mother is your second mother.

Despite this, how many vicious, sarcastic proverbs and sayings related to this topic have been known since ancient times.

• “The mother-in-law is angry that the daughter-in-law is having fun”
• “From the mother-in-law’s caress, you will choke with tears”
• “A dashing mother-in-law has eyes behind her”

The daughter-in-law reciprocates. She is full of bad thoughts: "I hate my mother-in-law"

Where did this war between two women come from? Why does the mother-in-law hate her daughter-in-law?

Two women fighting for the attention of one man

Sigmund Freud once spent a lot of energy and nerves to sort out this burning issue, and came to the paradoxical conclusion that there is jealousy in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Ancient as the world, not subject to reasonable explanation and control.

Of course, mother raised her son not easily, did not sleep at night, sat by the bed when the baby's teeth were cut and he cried. She ran to parent-teacher meetings and listened to teachers' dissatisfaction, fought for good grades, fought off bad companies, made contacts at institutes, and with all this was the closest person to her boy. The son trusted her the most intimate even as an adult! This is an inextricable bond between mother and son, which continues into adult puberty.

In our country, mothers maintain a close relationship with their sons throughout their lives. This is our Russian reality, features of the mentality. This must be taken into account and treated with respect.

Mothers treat their adult sons in almost the same way as they did in their childhood - especially intently and extra carefully.

Why doesn't the mother-in-law love her daughter-in-law? After all, she is the choice of her son.

With the advent of a new important woman in the life of a son, a mother expects a transition from her status as the first woman of her son to the status of woman No. 2. Many mothers are not willing to lose their leading position. They often perceive their daughter-in-law as a rival, and not as a new member of the family. Maternal jealousy is hard to put up with the fact that the son has another woman, his wife.

All of the above is not amenable to any conscious analysis, all this is happening at the level of emotions and instincts. As they say, such is female and, especially, maternal nature.

For every mother, her son is the best

Freud, in general, hinted that for a mother her son is the personification of an ideal man, which this mother did not have. The image of a son in mothers is often maximally idealized. And no, even the most beautiful woman in the world, can match this ideal man's son. That's what most moms think. And what can I say, if the son chose as his wife an ordinary classmate, the daughter of a neighbor, or even some kind of divorcee with a child!

That's really where the torment of the mother's heart! Not only mothers of girls call their daughters "princesses", but mothers of boys sincerely believe that their sons are true princes.

And what happens in the minds of daughters-in-law, who also clench their fists in anger and whisper quietly when the husband does not hear: “I hate my mother-in-law”

Approximately the same thoughts as those of the mother-in-law, that is, again we are dealing with jealousy.

The daughter-in-law is uncomfortable when the mother-in-law is active and sympathetic

So you got married, a family was formed. But somehow it turns out strange that the husband’s mother interferes in the magnificent duet of two loving hearts. She is omnipresent and active. She is energetic and proactive. From the lips of her husband does not leave: "Mom said ...", "Mom thinks that ...", "Mom thinks that we need ..."

What can I say, the wife is nervous. The status of the first and main woman of the beloved husband is constantly attacked by the mother-in-law. Her influence and pressure have an unpleasant effect on the young new wife. All the qualities of the daughter-in-law are subject to doubt: intelligence, ability to manage the household, spiritual qualities. This list is endless. It all depends on the imagination of the mother-in-law.

Everyone knows the ridiculous stories of mothers-in-law nagging their daughters-in-law, to the point that the daughter-in-law is so clean that “it’s disgusting to be in such a clean apartment, like in a hospital ...”

Yes, you can laugh about it endlessly. You can sing along with ditties about your mother-in-law and mother-in-law, you can complain to your girlfriends: “I hate my mother-in-law,” you can gossip about it endlessly.

But that doesn't help at all!

And the matter of mutual understanding between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law requires a subtle approach, smart advice, perhaps even the help of a psychologist!

You must always remember that, first of all, we are all people, and we want a kind, human relationship with ourselves.

There is an interesting Chinese parable that gives basic advice in achieving peace between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law:

“One daughter-in-law hated her mother-in-law. She once came to a shopkeeper selling various medicinal herbs and asked him to sell her grass so that she would destroy her hated mother-in-law. The shopkeeper was a wise old Chinese man. He looked at the young, excited girl and said to her: “I will sell you such grass. But in order not to be suspected of killing your mother-in-law, you must give it gradually, every day. In the morning, brew it in a teapot and serve it to your mother-in-law along with a kind word and a smile. And also learn to control your anger, and learn to respect an older woman. Do it all every day, don't miss a single day"

The bride did just that. A few months have passed and the excited girl runs to the herbalist's shop: “Please give me another herb to save my beloved mother-in-law. While I gave her poison, I fell in love with her. She is such a sweet and kind woman. She became close to me like a mother. I don't want her to die"

The elderly Chinese smiled back at her, “She will not die. I gave you ordinary grass. The poison was in your head and your soul. But you got rid of it yourself."

From this parable it is clear that much depends on the behavior of the young daughter-in-law.

It is the young woman who has entered her husband's family that must and can do everything to create a good relationship with an elderly (or not so) mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law is the woman who gave birth and raised your husband.

The first and most important thing that should settle in the soul of a young wife is respect for the mother-in-law, as for the mother of her husband. It was this woman who brought into the world and raised the man you chose for your whole life. Gratitude and respect are the main pillars on which the attitude towards the mother-in-law should be kept.

If you understand and accept this, then everything will be fine.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER confront your mother-in-law openly.

In no case should an open confrontation be allowed between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. This is the most stupid thing in the world, which is guaranteed to lead to problems in the family.

The war with the husband's mother is a war lost in advance.

It is also unacceptable and fraught with bad consequences to complain to a husband about his mother.

Therefore, take off your crown, sit quietly on a chair and think about what you would say if someone told you something negative about your mother. Yes, let him be three times right, let him be the Lord God himself - but you don’t need to touch your mother. Mom is sacred.

A husband who is told something unpleasant about his mother thinks the same thing. At first, he may take everything lightly and dismiss the reproaches of the young wife towards the mother. But if these reproaches become constant, the husband will find himself in an unpleasant situation of choosing which side to take. And we must admit that this choice in most cases is not in favor of wives. And it's hard to demand anything else from them - it's like giving up your mother. This already smacks of betrayal. Don't give your other half a chance to even think about it.

Take a given for yourself: Mom is Mom! No more, but no less.

Therefore, behavior should be thoughtful, intelligent, calm and respectful.

Another tip for a quiet family life - live SEPARATELY from your parents, including your mother-in-law.

No matter how wonderful, complaisant nature the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law may have, conflicts, small and large, everyday and epic, are sure to arise in one common area.

The fewer moments of everyday irritation - the more positive in the relationship. A weekly visit to the husband's mother is a great opportunity to show respect, communicate, and exchange positive emotions. This is quite enough to make a good impression on each other and part as allies, not rivals.

Such meetings will be pleasant for all family members - husband, wife, mother-in-law. They are not burdensome in terms of time and energy costs, they make it possible to be in contact, but not so tight that it becomes unpleasant.

In general, several theses can be voiced for healthy communication between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law.

1. Show respect to the mother-in-law, so that she feels it.
2. Never argue with your mother-in-law
3. Never complain to your husband about his mother.
4. Sometimes, within reasonable limits, ask her advice regarding a common beloved man. It will melt the heart of any mother.
5. Do not gossip about the mother-in-law, especially among those people from whom this may become known.
6. Do not try to be friends with your mother-in-law, you are not friends, you have different statuses
7. Keep a distance in communication, adhering to a respectful and respectful attitude, without heartfelt details.
8. Carefully and delicately convey to the husband that first the husband and wife, and then the mother-in-law. Women's wisdom is important here.
9. Separate living is required. There are no two housewives in one house.

Summing up the reasoning on this topic, I would like to say once again that there are many pitfalls in marriage that are not visible at first glance, but which can pretty much spoil the “weather in the house”.

In addition to the fact that it is important to preserve love, arrange the life and comfortable existence of two adults who are bound by marriage, it is important to create a pleasant, comfortable space for a wider circle of relatives and friends. Everyone should be pleased with your family: mother-in-law and father-in-law, mother-in-law and father-in-law. Then there will be peace and love between spouses.

Do not fight with moms and dads, neither with your own, nor with strangers.

All family happiness!

The word "mother-in-law" means the husband's mother, but it can also be interpreted literally as "one's own blood." Indeed, after marriage, two clans are united under one roof, linking themselves by blood ties.

The person who gave birth to your lover can rightly be called a second mother. It is a historical practice in our society for a wife to move into her husband's home under the care of his mother. The girl thus joined a new tribe, another family.

Now, when more and more young families after the wedding live separately from their parents, and therefore, practically independently of their mother-in-law, the meaning of the word has lost its former deep meaning. However, no matter where the spouses live, no matter how far they work from their parents, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have one common link - this is tender love for the same man. It must be admitted that the relationship between the beloved women of the faithful - mother and wife - in most cases develops in an imperfect way.

Many girls in the very first stages of marriage have a question about how to improve relations with their mother-in-law.

It is especially relevant if several generations have to live in the same living space. It is not easy to avoid mistakes even when the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are hosts in different apartments.

Why is it so difficult to find a common language? How to get along with the mother-in-law and avoid tension in the family? Every mother firmly believes that she acts for the good of her children. The mother-in-law can absolutely sincerely wish you well, at the same time criticizing and finding fault with trifles.

Very often, inexperienced young wives begin to seek support from relatives, girlfriends, or a family psychologist. The advice of experienced people will indeed be invaluable help in communicating with the second mother. Why make mistakes and look for solutions to difficult situations if the same path has been traveled many times by other women.

Why is history repeating itself?

Before finding herself in the role of a new mother for her son's partner, each woman first experiences all the delights of regular harassment from her own mother-in-law. And being a daughter-in-law, she herself more than once had to discover the secrets of communicating with the grandmother of her children.

At some point, the roles change dramatically, and now the woman herself becomes a witness of how her son leaves for another, creates his own family, and you need to somehow come to terms with this. Paradoxically, it is not easy to draw the right conclusions from the mirror reflection of relationships.

Now the newly minted mother-in-law oppresses, oppresses, bullies the innocent girl. The same moralizing and scenarios are repeated, but with other people in the lead roles.

Passing into a new status, a woman cannot leave resentment behind and, as if, she says to herself and others: “I have suffered, now another will suffer.

So it's my turn to teach life to the young shoots!

And she multiplies her efforts to re-educate her daughter-in-law, demonstrating the behavior that until recently was directed at herself and caused her righteous anger.

So, you must always remember that you are dealing first of all with a rival and only then with a friend, assistant and grandmother of your children. Even if you are lucky, and your husband turned out to be an accommodating and non-conflict mother, you should not relax in communication with her.

Keep your eyes open, because at the first serious disagreement, she will take the side of her “blood girl”, and you will find yourself in the “enemy camp”. Psychologists advise in relations with the mother-in-law to keep a reasonable healthy distance.

Ideally, if parents and children live separately without the possibility of constant interaction. In this case, friction will be reduced to a minimum, and communication will bring, if not pleasure, then at least relative comfort.

Psychological tricks

As soon as you stepped into the role of daughter-in-law and felt the first chill from the second mother, it would be good to think hard about how to improve relations with your mother-in-law. Simple but effective advice from psychologists will help you.

The secrets of communication, by and large, are easy to master if you purposefully pursue your policy and passionately desire peace in the family. How to get along with the mother-in-law will be discussed further.

There are three main rules that will allow you to avoid emotional outbursts and significant conflicts:

• divide the beds correctly;
• talk about relationships in the family or well, or nothing;
• keep a safe distance.

So, let's look at each rule individually:

Rule number 1: "separation of beds"

Folk wisdom says: two housewives cannot get along in the same kitchen! If it so happened that you had to move after the wedding to your husband's parents, try to find an unoccupied niche in terms of everyday life.

You can't do nothing at all. Then sooner or later even the most patient relatives will call you a lazy person. But the other extreme - trying to do everything around the house - is fraught with negative consequences. The mistress of the house will decide that you encroach on her territory.

Take a look at what your new mom can't do. If she does not know how to knit, and you have been given it, feel free to make socks and sweaters for your husband with your own hands.

Create a reputation for being an excellent seamstress if the mother-in-law is not strong in this occupation. For example, sew pants for your betrothed to the country. The main thing is to be seen - you are in business.

Do not try to make repairs in the kitchen, change something in the decor of the common room, replace plumbing. Your efforts will not only not be appreciated, but will also be rejected as an attack on traditions and an expression of doubt about the competence of parents.

A common misconception is to try to find out the recipe for your husband's favorite dishes and try to repeat them in the common kitchen. Do not hope - such efforts will not only not pay off, but will also become an annoying factor in your already difficult relationship.

You can find out and write down the recipe, but trying to implement it while your mother is nearby is akin to suicide. After all, the way she does, you still won't succeed. And if it comes out great, but in a different way, it will look as if you deliberately wanted to wipe your opponent's nose.

Rule number 2: be on a positive wave

No matter how rosy the relationship between the women in the family may seem at first glance, make friends with the new mother very carefully. If she provokes you into frank conversations, be vigilant and do not give a reason for the words of intimate conversation to be used against you in the future.

Talk about your husband and family relationships only in a positive way. Do not pour out your soul and voice your fears, negative thoughts or fears. So you expose weaknesses, give rise to reproaches.

You may encounter provocations: you may hear that the son is irresponsible, does not appreciate the work of others, or is not sensitive enough. Do not agree, it is better to transfer the conversation to another neutral topic.

By nature, women are emotional. Their behavior is more guided by feelings than by reason. For this reason, conflicts often arise between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law. The risk of disagreements is even greater if the young family has to live together with the husband's parents, since it is known that two mistresses in the same house often do not get along. Most mothers are afraid of losing the attention and control of their sons, which contributes to the transition of a once-warm relationship into a hostile one.

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The main causes of discord in the family

There are several main reasons for the outbreak of war between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law in the family:

The causes of quarrels and strife are many. After the birth of grandchildren, quarrels may also arise because of them. It sometimes seems to the mother-in-law that the son's wife does not look after the children in the same way: she does not feed them, clothe them, and educate them. You don't have to look for someone to blame. As a rule, the fault lies with both the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law.

The daughter-in-law is also a person with her own character traits. Such traits as stubbornness, unwillingness to adapt to the established norms of life in a new family only exacerbate the conflict situation and poison the lives of others. In some cases, one should listen to the remarks and reproaches of the mother-in-law, since sometimes they can be justified and useful for a young girl.

7 Ways to Improve Relationships

The psychology of the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is very complex. Smart and sensible wives will find out the secrets of communication with their husband's mother and try to build relationships. You should listen to the advice of psychologists and solve the problems that have arisen as quickly as possible, without postponing for later:

1. 1. The mother-in-law should not be allowed to witness quarrels with her husband.
2. 2. Do not complain to your husband about his mother. Caught between two fires, a man will be nervous. He will never be able to make a choice between his mother and wife, as these are the two closest people to him.
3. 3. You can learn to cook from your mother-in-law, especially since men often prefer their mother's kitchen.
4. 4. You should not interfere in the relationship of the spouse and his mother.
5. 5. It is necessary to understand the reason why the conflict arose and try to prevent its aggravation.
6. 6. It is worth learning to love and accept your husband with all his relatives, and not try to separate him from them.
7. 7. It is recommended to thank the mother-in-law more often, not to skimp on sincere words of gratitude, because it was she who raised such a wonderful man.

But the main condition for harmonious relations and peace in the family is still separate living.

The story of one of our readers Alina R.:

Money has always been my main concern. Because of this, I had a lot of complexes. I considered myself a failure, problems at work and in my personal life haunted me. However, I decided that I still needed personal help. Sometimes it seems that the matter is in yourself, all failures are only a consequence of bad energy, the evil eye, or some other evil force.

But who will help in a difficult life situation, when it seems that the whole life is going downhill and passing by you. It is difficult to be happy working as a cashier for 26 thousand rubles, when you had to pay 11 for renting an apartment. Imagine my surprise when my whole life suddenly changed overnight for the better. I could not even imagine that it is possible to earn so much money that some kind of trinket at first glance could have such an impact.