Ways to resolve family conflicts. Family conflicts, their causes and solutions
Marital conflicts are, unfortunately, an inevitability that absolutely all couples face. “Clashes” between spouses happen sooner or later, even with those who do not believe in it, who are trying to prove that they exist ideal relationship.
destructive and constructive
- Destructive conflicts "seek" to humiliate and offend.
- The purpose of constructive conflicts is to attempt a truce, to smooth out the "bad" situation.
Conflicts can arise, as they say, from scratch. That is, there are no reasons, it seems, for “making a conflict fire”, but it still appears and flares up. And it happens differently when both spouses are really to blame for what happens between them.
Causes of family conflicts
Because of which a conflict situation arises: bad mood, problems at work, financial difficulties, jealousy, betrayal, differences of opinion, dispute, alcohol abuse, insults, lack of intimate life or dissatisfaction (dissatisfaction) with it, deceit, "difference" of tastes and outlook on life, an unfulfilled promise….
Ways to resolve conflict situations
Now we will look at some conflict situations in more detail, talking about how you can deal with any “problem”.
Husband doesn't like shopping?
Arrange shopping with friends or alone! Remember that men will never love shopping trips. It is easier for them to evaluate what you bought than to participate with you in the buying process.
Does your spouse give you anything?
No need to turn this topic into a grand scandal! Just talk to him. Explain how important it is to you to receive gifts from him. Or take the first step. Guess which one? Certainly! Give your loved one something nice. Find out what it really needs in order not to miscalculate.
Remember that all "black stripes" will pass away. You just need to wait for this moment and not panic. Take care of your nerves (your own and your faithful).
Do not provoke your loved one to jealousy
Try not to make him jealous of someone even as a joke. Many men become unbearably quick-tempered during the "zealous" period. Be extremely careful! "A person's tongue is small, but how many lives he has broken!" You may have read this saying many times before.
Cheer up your loved one
However, do this only if you see that he needs it. Many men like to be alone when something gnaws, torments or excites them.
How can you cheer up a dear person?
We can talk a little about this if you have a desire to touch on a similar topic.
Give him surprises
Naturally, they should be as pleasant as possible, albeit unexpected.
Offer to take a walk, unwind, relax. Offer it, but do not insist if you get a refusal, so as not to “ignite” tension in communication.
Remember something pleasant and tell your spouse about your memories. If he likes this idea, he will appreciate it and continue to remember everything with you.
Arrange a romantic evening for your husband
Cook something interesting, tasty, original. Men have a special relationship with food. You yourself are aware of this.
Children are a real blessing!
But, unfortunately, they also become the cause of family conflicts. It happens that the wife wants children, and the husband - on the contrary. And it happens that spouses dream of becoming parents, but they do not succeed, although they do everything to achieve the desired goal.
There are cases when a spouse cries at night and asks fate so that her husband changes, becomes softer and agrees to become a father. You can try to take him to see a psychologist. However, this is not easy to do either.
Raising children is another reason why husbands and wives quarrel. Women are more likely to feel sorry for their babies. Men are much more strict with them. Sometimes severity even goes beyond all limits!
Another reason for conflict
Poor relations between young people and their parents (due to “misunderstanding” and understatement). Try to live separately. It is quite possible that then the conflict will be settled, although not forgotten.
What needs to be done to ensure that the conflict does not drag on for a long time?
There are many different ways…
Compromise is one of the most effective
However, the whole problem lies in the fact that many people do not know how to "cooperate" with him. Causes: character, pride, selfishness.
Coordination
If you choose this method to "remove" the conflict, then keep in mind that you will have to sacrifice everything for your spouse to be well. Coordination is a way that is much “cooler” than compromises (in the sense that not everyone is able to act as a “self-sacrifice”).
Suspension (avoidance)
The solution of any important issue is put on the back burner, until better times. This method “breathes” with real uncertainty or doubt.
Remember that a man perceives quiet speech well.
So if you want to quickly say “no” to the conflict, then try to keep exactly the quiet tone of speech, not exceeding it even by the slightest!
Forbidden phrases
Never use phrases like: “You will never change”, “You have always been like this”, “I didn’t count on anything else.”Don't humiliate the person! After all, you once liked him just like that! Have you forgotten about it? People don't change drastically. They are able to become different, but for a certain time.
Relax
Relax to relieve nervous and tension and look at your spouse again with different (kinder) eyes. Everyone chooses their own way of relaxation. You can also choose: sauna, solarium, sleep, bath, watching a good movie.
get distracted
Don't focus on the conflict! Get distracted by kids, homework, talking on the phone. Do your best not to think about the fact that a conflict occurred between you recently.
Convince the interlocutor that he was heard and understood by you. By the way, you do not have to agree with him in his opinion. Show that you respect what he thinks and don't criticize him.
Family ideology -
Air family relationships -
Or maybe you… -
Prevention of family conflicts
Prevention and resolution of family conflicts should be considered as the main activities for the management of such conflicts. Often, when resolving family conflicts, they use the services of an intermediary.
The prevention of family conflicts depends on all family members and, above all, on spouses. However, it should be borne in mind that some small family quarrels can have a positive direction, helping to reach an agreement on controversial issues and prevent a larger conflict. But in most cases, family conflicts should not be allowed. The main ways to prevent family conflicts depend on the potential subjects of conflict interaction (spouses, parents, children, relatives, etc.). For each specific case, useful advice can be found in the recommended literature.
Ways to prevent family conflicts
Here we will name only the most general ways of preventing family conflicts, arising from the socio-psychological patterns of family development. These paths are:
* the formation of a psychological and pedagogical culture, knowledge of the basics of family relations (primarily for spouses);
* upbringing of children, taking into account their individual psychological and age characteristics, as well as emotional states;
* organization of the family on a full basis, the formation of family traditions, the development of mutual assistance, mutual responsibility, trust and respect;
* the formation of a culture of communication.
Ways to resolve family conflicts
Conflicts have existed and will continue to exist; they are an integral part of human relations. They arise due to differences between people, due to the fact that the actions, ideas, feelings of each of us are not the same and sometimes come into collision with each other.
Based on the work of David Johnson, one of the possible models of behavior for resolving the conflict situation that has arisen can be proposed.
The following factors play an important role in the constructive resolution of conflicts:
Adequate reflection of the conflict.
Often in a situation of conflict, we misperceive our own actions, intentions and positions, as well as the actions, intentions and points of view of the opponent. Typical reflections of perception include:
Categorical - a vision of relations with a spouse (wife) in "black and white". If a problem is identified in some aspect of the marriage, you tend to believe that the marriage is doomed. Conversely, if there is progress in any area of \u200b\u200bthe relationship, then you are completely calm about the marriage as a whole.
Pessimism - You notice and attach importance only to the negative aspects and ignore the positive aspects of your married life. Your predictions for a joint future are quite gloomy.
Subjectivism - You ignore the obvious, operating on "own" facts. You are used to using your feelings as proof of something.
Frivolity - You are sure that the problem does not exist or that the individual facts that take place do not matter to your marriage.
Idealism - you have a romantic outlook on life. Your expectations for yourself, your partner, and marriage in general are not realistic.
Unrealistic demands - You demand from your spouse to be the way YOU want him to be. The most common words in your vocabulary are "must" and "must".
Orientation to comfort - You treat marriage as a tool to satisfy only your needs and increase the level of only your comfort.
Stuck - you "fixate" on one, often negative, event and further consider the relationship with your spouse through the "prism" of this event.
Fatalism - You refuse to change anything in your marriage, not because everything suits you, but because "nothing can be changed." The principle of "what will be - will be."
Conservatism - You view marriage as an established stereotype of relationships. External influences make you anxious. The thought that something needs to be changed is fear.
Sacrifice - You view marriage from the position of a victim and the need to constantly sacrifice something: to save the marriage, for the sake of someone or something. Classic example: for the sake of children. The main mistake is that children, adopting your way of relationships, implement it in their families, dooming themselves to the same role of "victim" (the principle of negative programming).
In any conflict, both partners experience so-called mixed feelings. On the one hand, everyone feels hostility, anger or hatred towards the other, the desire for the opponent to give up his position, on the other hand, opponents have more benevolent feelings generated by the totality of previous relationships, as well as the desire for mutual understanding and agreement.
Knowing this, in a conflict situation, it is necessary to carefully analyze your feelings in specific cases.
Openness and effectiveness of communication between the conflicting parties;
This is the main condition for a constructive conflict resolution. Therefore, sometimes it makes sense at the very beginning of the conflict to take risks and as fully as possible, even in a harsh form, express to each other what you feel. At this moment, it is pointless to try to solve something, the main thing is not to offend or humiliate your partner.
Mutual expression of feelings can help create the conditions for the use of communication for the purpose of a constructive exchange of thoughts. And also, threats, lies, attempts to manipulate a partner should be avoided, because these actions are dictated by the desire to prevail over the enemy, and not to achieve mutual consent.
Creating a climate of mutual trust and cooperation.
The conflict is resolved more successfully if both parties are interested in achieving some common result that encourages cooperation.
Definition of the essence of the conflict.
The more precise the definition of the essential elements of the conflict, the easier it is to find the means for effective behavior. Consistent behavior aimed at overcoming the conflict as a whole involves several stages:
a) identification of the main problem;
b) determining the cause of the conflict;
c) search for possible ways to resolve the conflict;
d) a joint decision to withdraw from the conflict;
e) implementation of the intended joint method of resolving the conflict;
f) assessment of the effectiveness of the efforts made to resolve the conflict.
10.3. Causes of family conflicts
In the first period, the period of grinding spouses, the most typical causes of conflicts are:
Interpersonal incompatibility;
leadership claims;
claims for superiority;
Separation of household chores;
Budget management claims;
Following the advice of relatives and friends;
Intimate personal adaptation.
1. Interpersonal Compatibility implies mutual acceptance of each other, based on the similarity of value orientations, social attitudes, interests, motives, needs, characters, temperaments, and the level of development of individuals. Interpersonal incompatibility makes itself felt when, according to these individual psychological characteristics, each side has its own opinion, opposite to the other side.
2. Family leadership. A wife or husband (or both) may form leaders before marriage. Maintaining such positions in marriage is fraught with constant conflicts. The leader can lead the family successfully, or he can suppress the initiatives of another, forming an internal confrontation in him, fraught with open or hidden conflicts. The way out of this situation will be a mutual discussion of the problem and a categorical rejection of claims to leadership, a loyal attitude to the alternative opinion of the other, a joint solution of family issues.
3. Superiority. In the initial period of family life, it is not uncommon for one of the spouses to strive to prove his superiority. E. Berne describes such behavior in the short story "Darling". When visiting, a husband gives unflattering characteristics to his wife and jokingly turns to her for confirmation: “Yes, dear?”. The wife, with such behavior of her husband, finds herself in a situation that is not very pleasant for her, her mood is spoiled.
Such behavior of a husband (wife) in relation to a loved one is a manifestation of bad manners. In a normal family, husband and wife are in equal relation to each other. Therefore, the sooner the spouses give up their degrading claims to superiority, the more prosperous will be the further interaction between them. You should look for the good in each other and emphasize it, in such cases the feedback will always be positive.
4. Housework. Some couples divide housework into women's and men's. There are families for whom this problem does not cause any special incidents. But for many, the division of household chores is an eternal insoluble problem and the cause of conflict situations. This is influenced by personality types and even the laziness of one of the spouses, or both of them. It is impossible to agree on all occasions, there will always be an unforeseen event in the house - “who should close the door?”. Therefore, with the help of contracts, interpersonal conflicts cannot be avoided.
4. Family budget. Problems between husband and wife can arise in cases where the wife earns more than her husband, when she constantly reminds him of this, trying to humiliate his manhood. Conflict situations can also arise when it seems to one of the spouses that the other is spending money recklessly, for example, buying things that you can do without. When living together, you need to get used to the idea that all family problems are solved together, not to the detriment of each other, but for the good. There will be fewer conflicts if the costs are always agreed between the spouses. In such cases, everyone will know the possibilities of the budget, and everyone will know that without his participation, no serious expenses will be undertaken. It should be borne in mind that an expensive gift for the other party will not always be positively received without prior discussion.
5. Relatives and friends. Each family acquires its own life experience of joint interaction, in the process of which difficult situations are encountered. It is not always possible for a husband or wife to overcome them on their own. In such cases, sometimes they resort to the advice of relatives, friends, and special literature. For example, it seemed to the wife that her husband began to pay less attention to her, being unreasonably rude. She turns to her parents and friends for advice, convinces them that she does everything for her husband, and he turns out to be ungrateful to her. If relatives or friends turn out to be experienced people who have experienced something similar themselves, then most likely they will offer her to figure it out herself, analyze her behavior, if she has any omissions.
6. Intimate-personal adaptation requires spouses to achieve moral, mental and physiological satisfaction with each other in intimate relationships. If one of the spouses begins to experience mental or physiological inconvenience from intimacy, dissatisfaction with its results, the problem cannot be left to resolve itself. Unsatisfactory results of intimacy can be influenced by unreasonable fears for one's sexual “weakness”, dissatisfaction, etc. This state of affairs is fraught with conflicts.
Family and interpersonal conflicts can be classified on the following grounds:
1) by subjects of conflict situations: conflicts between spouses; spouses and their children; spouses and parents of each spouse; grandparents and grandchildren; family members and kindergarten teacher, school teacher, polyclinic doctor, etc.;
3) on the sphere of manifestation of conflicts: conflict in family relationships (personal or property); in relations between relatives; in the relations of family members with members of collectives of various state and public organizations.
And although “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” as the classic noted, one can still single out some of the most typical problems that arise between relatives.
They are:
* unwillingness or impossibility of one of the spouses to have children; 4 x.ZI
* the husband's demand that the wife not work and do housework;
* different social status of the spouses before marriage;
* the difference in the interests of the spouses and the inability to compromise;
* one of the spouses is from a “flawed family”, as a result, the spouses have different ideas about what should be the norm in family life;
* Difficulties in relationships between parents and children;
* the need to live in the same house with the parents of the husband or wife: mother-in-law and son-in-law, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law;
* deviant behavior of one of the spouses: alcoholism, drug addiction, and so on;
* problems of an incomplete family, the absence of a father or mother in the family, the relationship between a child and a stepfather or stepmother;
* a situation where one of the spouses is disabled;
* creating a family in old age;
* large age difference between spouses.
For the main reason, i.e. according to the leading motive, the following groups of family conflicts arising as a result can be distinguished:
The desire of one or both spouses to realize in marriage, first of all, personal needs (a developed focus “on oneself”, i.e. egoism);
Strongly developed material needs of one or both spouses;
Unsatisfied need for self-affirmation;
The presence of one or both spouses of inflated self-esteem;
Discrepancies in the ideas of the spouses about the content of the roles of husband, wife, father, mother, head of the family;
The inability of spouses to communicate with each other, with relatives, friends and acquaintances, work colleagues;
The inability of the spouses to understand the reasons causing the undesirable behavior of one of them, resulting in mutual misunderstanding; unwillingness of one of the spouses to participate in housekeeping;
The unwillingness of one of the spouses to engage in the upbringing of children or disagreement of views on the methods of their upbringing;
The difference in the types of temperament of the spouses and the inability to take into account the type of temperament in the process of interaction.
Conflicts are best prevented. To do this, psychologists and conflictologists offer many different own behaviors:
Endurance in any situation, do not get involved in the conflict, let the party provoking the conflict fully speak out;
Treat any incident with close attention, subject it to analysis;
Exclude any claims of superiority from communication, do not elevate yourself by humiliating another, showing your bad manners;
Admit and analyze openly your mistakes, do not transfer your guilt to others;
Don't make disasters for the family when others make mistakes (what happened, happened);
Excessive experience and empathy with losses is fraught with physical destruction of the body of each of the family members (ulcers, stress, heart attacks, etc.);
Clarify any comments to each other only in private, and express all claims exclusively in a friendly, respectful form (“as it comes around, it will respond”);
If you are haunted by the thought that your wife (husband) has become “your personal enemy”, ask yourself why this happened, why did you become such that you think so badly about your previously loved person?
Look for flaws in yourself, not in your loved ones;
Clarify all misunderstandings among yourself in the absence of children, do not involve relatives and friends in resolving conflicts;
Direct the effort in resolving the conflict not to win your loved one, but to jointly resolve the situation;
The position in relation to the actions of children should be unified;
Do not promise children if you cannot fulfill their request;
Do not emphasize the shortcomings of children, find good things in their behavior, desires, aspirations, focus on this;
Strengthen the threads that bring you closer to your children (trust, sincerity, truthfulness, etc.);
Remember, if you told the baby: “You are quite an adult with us,” he will always try to look like that, but he still can’t do it;
Do not reproach the child on any occasion, but do not overpraise him either;
Listen to any advice, but remember that you live together not with advisers, but with the one you are complaining about.
1. Be cool. Remain calm and even in your interactions with your spouse. If you yourself remain calm, this will encourage the other side to seriously discuss the controversial issue. Get rid of the idea that you should have the final say. Refrain from negative statements about your spouse, do not humiliate his personal dignity, otherwise the relationship may escalate.
Try to find the root cause of the conflict. Your actions depend on this: either you need to correct your own behavior, or limit yourself to just discussing the problem. Remember that you need to respond to the factual part of the criticism and, if possible, not to respond to the evaluative one.
Avoid personal conflicts. Do not show that your spouse is now antipathetic to you, that you are very annoyed by his personality traits.
Choose your words and expressions carefully. Avoid words and expressions with negative emotional-evaluative, generalizing content: "You always...", "You never...", "You always...". Remember that such emotional-evaluative judgments tend to provoke defensive responses and will exacerbate rather than weaken the conflict.
Remain open to considering mutual needs. Look for areas of mutual interest and possible compromises. The more you strive to defend only your position, the more resistance you will meet from the other side. Consider the situation from the standpoint of the interests and needs of the spouse.
Avoid dogmatic statements. Speech containing hints of arrogance, superiority, pedantry, will more and more separate you from your spouse.
Pay close attention to what your spouse says. Pay attention not only to words, but also to the expressions of feeling that may be behind them. Give your partner the opportunity to express their point of view on your position. This shows him how sincerely you are trying to understand his thoughts and feelings.
Family conflicts and ways to resolve them
Any intra-family situation can theoretically become a conflict. It depends solely on the behavior of the spouses during the conflict.
When partners react sharply to any contradiction and try to prove their case, we are dealing with a conflict. However, if a difficult situation is discussed calmly and kindly, the spouses strive for reconciliation, and not to find out who is right and who is wrong, then the seriousness of the conflict is significantly reduced.
Three of the most unsuccessful tactics of behavior in a family conflict:
1. The position of an outside observer.
An example of a conflict in the family: a wife found her husband's complete indifference to a broken tap. She silently waits for her husband to guess to pick up the tools! Most often, the wait is delayed and an explosion occurs.
2. Open conflict.
Another unsuccessful way to resolve the conflict: a quarrel with reproaches, mutual claims and insults.
3. Stubborn silence.
This method consists in mutual stubborn silence, when both sides are offended by each other, but no one goes to discuss the problem. In this case, the spouses are seized by a feeling of self-pity, anxiety and resentment.
All of the above behaviors are not conducive to resolving relationship problems. In order for the family to become a reliable rear for the spouses, they must receive moral and psychological support from each other. In order for mutual trust to arise, it is important to be able to listen, understand and go towards each other.
Good ways to resolve conflict:
1. Open and calm dialogue.
Spouses should strive to meet each other halfway. It is important to discuss the current problem constructively, without accusations and reproaches, with the search for the best solution for both.
2. Understanding the partner.
Spouses should avoid negative tactics, such as ignoring, self-centeredness, belittling the personality of a partner, and use constructive ones: active listening to a partner, understanding what is said and left unsaid by him. 3. Ability to change.
It is necessary to be able to take steps towards a partner, change your position and views as the marriage makes its new demands.
4. Emphasize the importance of a spouse.
Expressing gratitude to your partner and that he is valued, respected and admired is one of the most effective ways to position your spouse in your direction, to be heard and to achieve mutual understanding on almost any issue.
The trust of a partner can be destroyed, due to the fact that his experiences are not taken seriously, are considered unimportant, insignificant, not worthy of attention. If the experiences of a partner become the subject of ridicule and jokes.
When it seems to us that we are not understood, we feel alone. Hands drop, and the desire to communicate and discuss something important disappears. So the spouses begin to move away from each other and cease to be one.
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Sometimes the stories of couples who are on the verge of divorce begin with proud words - "we lived in perfect harmony for two years and never quarreled, but then, unexpectedly ...". Those who alone are tormented by doubts about the future also touch on this topic: “we have continuous family conflicts maybe the only way out is to leave.”
And there are completely radical options: as soon as a semblance of a quarrel arises, one of the couple is ready to immediately slam the door and leave. Sometimes, forever. Without trying conflict resolution in a relationship. Because in the minds of many, quarrels are something that should not be in family life, otherwise it cannot be considered either “successful”, or “successful”, and even “normal” cannot be considered. The lubok picture of molasses constantly pouring out from both sides, it turns out, is terribly tenacious. And alas, very destructive.
There is also another extreme. When people don’t even ask themselves the question “how to build a dialogue?”. When they resigned themselves to the fact that they swear. Such couples are already tired of pretending to be a happy family, and now they, of their own choice, occupy the niche "we have everything like everyone else." This means that quarrels become something like the weather - they spoil the mood, but they do not significantly affect anything, they do not lead anywhere and do not change anything.
So what is considered "normal"? many people ask me. The truth, if it is possible at all in this case, as always, is somewhere in the middle between the extremes. But before analyzing the typical mistakes in showdown Let's take a closer look at these extremes to find the middle ground.
The illusion of a conflict-free relationship comes from the illusion of eternal love. That state of euphoria, which covers people in the presence of a strong sexual attraction to each other, gives rise to the idea that "this should be forever." In fact, any love has an expiration date, the reasons for this, in particular, can be read in detail in the article on the crisis of three years.
Now something else is important to us. The first signals that “eternal love” is just an illusion happen at the beginning of a relationship. But the beginnings of conflicts, as a rule, are usually ignored. “Just think, a trifle, it happens to everyone.”
An unresolved trifle over time tends to develop into a major problem. As a rule, it is noticed just when falling in love slows down. And standing up to his full height family conflict perceived as a tragedy. As a rule, no one is in a hurry to understand it, the emphasis shifts to something else - “how is it, are we really quarreling with my loved one?”
By default, it was assumed that a loved one must necessarily understand, and better, also approve, and in some cases even admire the desires and decisions of a partner. When this does not happen, enthusiasm is replaced by despair. At the same time, most men and women often tend to think that their decision is reasonable and correct, but the partner’s disagreement is something “wrong”.
We will talk about what approaches to conflict resolution exist later, but something else is important here - the focus is not on determining the causes of the conflict, but on the fact itself, which is declared abnormal (and both spouses most often agree with this). And then, as a rule, one concedes. Suppressing their desires, and nothing plainly discussed.
The second is affirmed in its "correctness" and then demands even more. The first either bends further or rises, and most often conflict resolution he is no longer interested, he is only interested in the opportunity to take revenge. After all, he has already stepped on his throat more than once, but now he has the right to respond in kind and make his partner bend.
It is easy to guess that this position only leads to a tug of war and the establishment of a man and a woman as rivals, but not partners. And then there are only 2 options. The first is that people, having spent some time in the position of rivals and, in fact, enemies, after a while lose all ties with each other, get tired of fighting in their own home and disperse in the hope of finding warmth and support somewhere else. And often still repeat the same scenario.
In the second option, the first extreme turns into the second, and the remaining strong ties serve as the prerequisites for this reversal: children, everyday life, joint financial investments, common habits, and in some cases, established and regular sex remains such a “bridge”.
In addition to these facts, the situation is also held by various feelings, thoughts, for example, fears that “I can’t cope with life alone and won’t find a new partner”, principles - “we never got divorced in our family” or “I loved her / him / but, you have to be true to yourself”, pessimistic beliefs “it won’t be better anyway, they are all the same”. At the same time, the tug-of-war in such a family occurs with varying degrees of success: sometime the husband “wins”, sometime the wife.
Everyone understands that in order to maintain a relative balance, it is necessary to “give in” periodically, and everyone builds a hierarchy of values within himself – where it’s completely impossible to give in, and where “okay, let him do it his own way, I’ll survive.” And they are experiencing. How to survive strong wind, rain, snow and hail.
Not learning how to put effort into conflict resolution in a family, such couples repeat the plots of these quarrels over and over again, from year to year, and at the same time, no one wants to delve into the experiences of a partner or change their behavior. For what? After all, you can "survive", although it is unpleasant.
In fact, it is quite realistic to live to a state where the number of conflicts will decrease, and there will be more and more moments of understanding and acceptance. But for this to be aware of why conflicts arise, and be able to resolve them constructively for both parties. And this is a whole science, which I propose to start mastering.
In this article, I would like to consider main causes of family conflicts, different approaches to their resolution, and give practical examples on how to build a dialogue in the family.
"We quarrel over trifles"
In fact, there are no empty spaces. Many often confuse the cause and cause of the conflict.
The reason really can be any “trifle” - he did not call from work, which is delayed, although he did not have to lie and hide in his thoughts. Or she did not prepare dinner for his arrival, although she promised. He is unhappy that she "as luck would have it" put on his unloved dress for a corporate party. She resents the fact that he swore many times to fix the faucet, and did not. You can go on for a long time.
Anyone can say: “Well, nothing happened! No one betrayed, did not change, did not leave, did not frame .... " Yes, yes. But let's look not at the reason, but at the reason.
What's behind that "frivolous" call from work? Attention. Care. Importance. For her, this call is a confirmation of her importance, confirmation that he does not give a damn about her feelings, that he knows that she will worry. This moment of care and attention speaks of his love and that he hears it. And let it continue to be a trifle for him - but with his call, he could show that he cares about what she considers important.
The problem of “trifles” is that, firstly, the majority measures everything by itself and completely forgets that the other person is different. It's not you. It is HE/SHE, not you. He/she can always find other priorities, another arrangement of accents, other needs.
And most often - it is in the so-called "little things" that the other stubbornly does not want to pay attention to, because for him this is a "trifle"! But behind every trifle is often something much more global. And not always the partner can immediately explain this.
Leading questions can help in determining the causes of the conflict: “why is it important for you that I make sure to call? Do you have any specific fears? Why is this important to you?" Your task is to be attentive to your partner and help you understand your motives, and not push him away because something is not clear to you.
If you are the “offended” side, try to understand the cause of the conflict and convey it to your partner. You need to ask yourself the same questions - “What does this call mean to me? Why is this important to me? What do I want to get from a partner through this call? The answers will be the cause.
You, most likely, do not have enough attention, a sense of significance, care. Or perhaps you are experiencing excessive anxiety for your partner. And this is also worth talking about. In reality, it often happens otherwise:
- You didn't call me! I sat all evening waiting, nervous, where are you, your phone did not answer, you never know what could happen?
— Why are you so excited? I was at work, nearby - the authorities, well, I could not answer!
- Well, you knew that there would be a meeting, was it really impossible to call before that?
“I didn’t think it would take so long, that’s why I didn’t call!” Do not report to me for every half an hour?
Further, as a rule, the woman begins to prove to the man that it was wrong not to call, and this is a bad deed on his part. He resists being imposed on him feelings of shame and guilt(after all, he really did not intend anything bad), and begins to get angry at the fact that he is forced to make excuses. As a result, a man often goes on the offensive:
- Why are you constantly nervous! I'm not a small child, stop controlling me!
“Ah, I control you??? And you….
(options are possible: - And you are a small child, if you are not reminded a hundred times, then ....)
However, with such a formulation of the question, it is almost impossible to apologize normally and sincerely. Because no mentally healthy person wants to voluntarily admit that he is neither "bad" nor "guilty" where he does not feel it. And this is normal - deep down, at the level of the subconscious, even with the strongest, we always retain that part of the psyche that protects the personality from total depreciation.
Most people already feel the burden of their own imperfection, and it is in the family, from the spouse, that we all expect understanding and acceptance of us as we are, and not kicks and pokes. And this is especially important in the context of “little things”, because if you have not fully explained the true reason for your dissatisfaction, your attempts to make the other person guilty will be all the more regarded as nit-picking and inappropriate generalizations.
The question arises, what would it look like? constructive dialogue. Here is an example with the same situation:
— I see you were late… Did something important happen? Are you all right?
First of all, it would be nice to ask - but really, did something significant happen to your spouse today? Perhaps he is having trouble at work and needs support?
And perhaps the conversation will turn so that the spouse will immediately tell about his experiences, and in itself it will become clear why he did not call, and there will be no point in being offended. But let's say nothing significant happened:
- Everything is in order, just at the end of the day the boss came and brought a new project, he said - urgently. We quickly discussed it and went home.
Let's have dinner, wash your hands.
By this, you have already translated the whole situation into a peaceful direction and showed attention to your spouse. This will bring positive results, believe me. But when you have already sat down to dinner quietly, you can talk about your experiences. And remember - it’s better to talk about the reason right away, and not about the reason.
- I have a request for you. I understand that this one and a half hour is not such a terrible delay, and I don’t blame you. But, you know, your attention is very important to me in this form - could you continue to warn me that you are late?
Note that this is a question. Request. Not an accusation and not an attempt to force. Not presenting wrong or guilt. And it is quite possible to hear in response:
“Sorry, I didn’t think it would take so long, I’ll try to think about it in advance from now on.
If you have accumulated something for a long time, try to express in detail what led to such quarrels before, but in the same calm manner:
“You know, maybe I don’t have enough attention lately. And I start to get nervous literally because of any violation of the usual order. I would be calmer if you called more often, sometimes wrote SMS, and I would like us to spend more time together.
And then the conversation can touch on any reasons on which the conflict was actually based - lack of attention, affection, lack of enough time together, feeling unwanted by your husband and revealing to him the reasons why you feel that way. But all in the same manner - in the form of a story about experiences and in the form of putting forward some proposals.
If you need to express emotions, you can learn to do it in a safe manner while no one is around. Or, if you really feel the need to talk emotionally, then no one forbids, but you can even cry, talking about your experiences. Emotions are still not a reason to impose on a partner feelings of shame and guilt.
Think about why you have been building conversations in the form of accusations so far? Why do you need to prove to your partner that he is “bad”? What benefits will this bring to you personally? Your own "rightness" and "goodness"? However, the formation of self-doubt occurs in childhood, and it is unlikely that your partner had anything to do with this.
Perhaps you should first deal with your self-esteem and guilt before blaming your partner? And even more so, if you yourself need constant reinforcement of your “goodness” - do you really think that your partner does not need the same?
"I hate to beg!"
And, actually, why? I often hear this position in consultations: "because it's humiliating." And when I ask: “but how then is it not humiliating?”, in response I hear: “he / she must / understand for himself / herself”. Well wow request! It turns out that most people want to get telepaths into husbands / wives?
In fact, understanding "at a glance" is possible in only two cases, the first - the final one - when this very "understanding" is a consequence of the fact that both are covered by hormonal euphoria, and therefore they want the same thing.
To coarsen it, then get into bed as soon as possible and stay there as long as possible with all the ensuing caresses, delights, and a feeling of complete unity
A particular consequence of this is the illusion of feeling that "we want the same thing in everything." In fact, at the moment of acute love, people want one thing - to linger as long as possible at this point of ultimate ecstasy. There is nothing wrong with that, it is a normal start for a relationship in some cases.
The moment of falling in love implies an acute enjoyment of similarity, and it is this state that pushes the majority to create families, have children, because there is a stable confidence - "we are made for each other."
But there is one catch - the feeling of total similarity and understanding "in everything" ends. And then you have to deal with the differences. But few people are ready for their appearance, and in particular, few people are ready for the disappearance of the illusion of "telepathy".
The second case of understanding “at a glance” is possible only after many years of living together, and such understanding must be learned. Once you are reading this material, you are ready to learn. And for this it is necessary to realize the importance of the request.
In fact, we begin to truly get to know the chosen one precisely during this period - when passion passes and questions of life arrangement arise. How to allocate finances, how to lead a life, who should do what around the house, when to plan children, where to go on vacation and how to spend a common weekend. Prior to that, these questions were not raised - who, in moments of ecstasy, would plan household chores and calculate the salaries of both lovers?
But when the passion goes away, it's time to solve these issues. The ardor is not the same, there are a lot of reasonable arguments in my head. Everyone has their own.
And if it is important for you that your wife bake pies every weekend, don't think that she herself will guess. Perhaps she spoiled you with pastries a couple of times during a period of acute love. And what? It was just two days of inspiration. But now some part of your life is turning into a routine (and this is not a dirty word, it means that there is a repetition of some actions, they are brought to automatism, because you do not plan to change all this in the near future).
Baking pies once or twice is a pleasant feat. Baking them every weekend is already a routine. To which you need to get used to and realize that this is important for the husband, that this is what was imprinted in him as a manifestation of his wife's love. And how can she realize this if her husband does not deign to tell about it?
When I ask men why they didn’t ask, I often come across generalizations: “Well, everyone knows that the way to a man’s heart…. And then I always praised her cooking! Did she really not understand that this is important to me?
No, alas. Because everything was important - lace underwear, and a new film downloaded especially for joint viewing, and the music that she sent him by mail, and that tie that she gave on February 23rd, and pies, and a new towel of his favorite color. …. How to distinguish what was “pleasant, but not necessary” and what was “important, important”? After all, taking with you absolutely everything from the arsenal of love will not work.
You have to work, raise children, build a house, solve other everyday issues - you won’t be able to soar in the clouds all your life. It makes sense for both a man and a woman to build a system of priorities for themselves and their partner - what exactly you need to take with you, and what can be postponed for now. If you have not given a woman any guidelines, do not be surprised that instead of pies, she will wear lacy lingerie and films.
By asking, you fix your own priorities in the mind of your half. Their own "importance". In a sense, this can even be considered not a request, but an emphasis on attention. Moreover, it must be emphasized more than once or twice.
One of you, for example, was not accustomed in his parental family to the fact that if someone comes home, you have to go out and meet the person at the door. If during the period of your love, your half jumped out at the first turn of the key in the lock, then after two or three years you can no longer wait. And not because you were “out of love”, but because this extreme tension of emotions, characteristic of the period of falling in love, has gone.
And your partner needs a more relaxed form of existence, in which he plunges into his old behavioral patterns and habits that have taken root in him for years. And what has been fixed for so long needs the same gradual change.
In this change, the systematic requests of the partner play an essential role. If from time to time you calmly convey that it is important for you to be met at the door, sooner or later a new habit will form, already for your own family. But it will be formed only if you convey information calmly, and it is especially important to encourage success.
Once again, to say that you are pleased to see your wife meeting you in the hallway. And do not swear at the fact that specifically this time she did not leave the room. Both are well remembered - both claims with insults, and praise. And it will depend on you what your spouse will remember, and what conclusions will be drawn from this.
There is another point - mostly about men. I often notice that men are worse at taking hints than women. More precisely, they may understand, but they rarely trust such a subtle understanding. And, to make sure, they are waiting for a specific request. But she doesn’t do it, because the lady often expects her subtle hint to be understood. A man often waits to be told specifically.
And so a famous figure arises: he believes that she herself does not know what she wants, and she believes that he is an insensitive blockhead who does not care about her subtle feelings. In such cases, I propose to solve for myself one question, as from a well-known anecdote.
The lady called a taxi. It stands in the indicated place, the car drives up. The lady approaches the taxi driver:
- Are you a taxi?
— Yes, you ordered, right? says the driver.
— Me. Why isn't your car yellow? And "taxi" is written somehow illegible? And where are the skewers?
To which the taxi driver replies:
- Madam, do you want checkers or go?
What is more important to you - getting what you want? Or that he learned to understand hints, and at the same moment and from a half-word? I still think you can get what you want. And most often it is not a one-time action. And about what goes on from day to day. “It is important for me that you give me flowers at least once a month.” Or “I want you to hug me as often as possible.” "I'll be pleased if you open the car door for me." Yes, there are many other things - from pleasant little things to big things.
And you may have to repeat it more than once so that he remembers: if you are in a bad mood, flowers / dinner at a restaurant / a trip to nature / a small gift / household help / watching a movie together / spontaneous sex / continue yourself can cheer him up.
I was often told “well, what can be spontaneous sex at the request? And how can the flowers that I myself asked for please? If, in principle, you are happy with sex with your husband and the flowers he has chosen, then the process will lose only part of the charm. And then at first. On the other hand, if the husband sees several times that "it works" - then there will be no need to guess, he will know and feel your shades of mood. For one reason:
if you regularly give him feedback, in what states and what you need, then over time he will do without reminders. After all, he has already built a causal relationship within himself. And then you can enjoy the offers of what is important to you at this particular moment for many decades. Because your husband already knows you well.
“No, let her…. No, let him!"
Let's say you had an argument that wasn't constructive at all. When a conflict arose, they shouted, even a plate was broken. They called each other names and blamed each other. Well, it happens, no one is immune from this. But what's next? Then somehow you need to get out of the conflict and start a normal life.
Very often, each of the partners is waiting for the first step from the other. And this is dictated by this: “if he is the first to make peace, then he has admitted his guilt.” The second thinks exactly the same, and since everyone considers himself right, no one is in a hurry to take the first step.
And since no one wants to be considered guilty, and confessed to this, the conflict simply hinders, “goes down on the brakes.” Anyone who has experience in relationships, and especially living together, knows how it's done.
There was a question with money / a neighbor called about a general repair / we need to decide what we will have dinner / the child asks something from both / continue on your own. As a rule, this is a household pretext. On the basis of which you can begin to communicate again, as if taking the conflict out of the brackets. No one admitted they were wrong, no one took the first step. And everything seemed to be forgotten.
And here it is not. The tension in the relationship somehow remained. And you need to look at your partner for a long time, slowly, in order to understand whether he is still angry or not. And adjust your behavior accordingly.
In addition to various fantasies about the partner’s thoughts, which may not correspond to reality at all (and we will talk about this later separately), there is another significant “but” in this position. The problem hasn't been resolved. Which means this family conflict may repeat itself more than once or twice.
There is one more "but" - this is "admission of guilt". After all, there is no such thing as guilt. There are simply 2 positions, 2 sets of reasons why each of the partners had such an opinion or acted in some way. But there is no "generally recognized normal" strategy of behavior in the family.
During consultations, I always say one phrase that seems to me essential in the matter. family conflict resolution: “There are no norms of family life. You can do whatever you want within the UK - this is the only common place for everyone. As for the rest, there is no unequivocal correctness, no norms and rules that are the same for everyone. The question of relationships is only a question of your agreement with your partner.
Therefore, it makes no sense to speak to him in the language of "every normal person knows that ..." Firstly, this is a direct insult. After all, if it turns out that your partner does not know or has a different point of view, it turns out that you declare him abnormal. And here it is hardly possible constructive dialogue.
Secondly, relationships are created by two people. And even if there were some kind of “list of defaults” that would be applicable to all families, then it would have to be announced even before marriage, at least in order to verify the parameters. And then you never know someone has a failure in the system?
But after all, everyone goes into a relationship with their own "defaults", which sometimes differ significantly from those of a partner. All these "silences" are born not at all from the fact that there are some norms common to all in the family. And from the fact that each of the partners instilled their own norms in the parental family. And each, to the best of his ability, supplemented this with his observations and conclusions.
But to discuss all this, entering into a serious relationship, no one worked. Indeed, at the stage of falling in love, it seemed that the defaults were the same. Although the only thing that was the same was the attraction, which gave the illusion of a complete similarity of beliefs.
If the norms were really common, then they would be equally diligently laid down in the heads of both partners by the same parents.
However, we are constantly confronted with sometimes diametrically opposed beliefs. And this means that each of the partners takes out very different experiences from their childhood and youth. Which, depending on the personality of the person, is also interpreted in different ways.
And now think - where is the desired "absolute correctness" here? Even if a partner deliberately hurt you, this can only mean that manipulations and educational games were adopted in his family, which were aimed at constantly provoking a person feelings of shame and guilt, and your partner suffered from this in the first place. And then he learned to “bite” in the same way, and now he successfully transmits this behavior model to your family.
However, manipulation is a common thing in many families, and it is easy to assume that not only your partner, but you yourself are good at techniques. Otherwise, you would hardly wait for the first step from your partner, it would be more important for you conflict resolution, and not "so that he suffers harder."
There is only one way to deal with this - someone has to start to show the cards. Who doesn't matter. Who will be the first to think about constructive dialogue in a relationship. Who at the moment will be more prepared psychologically. Who will be more enlightened.
And this does not mean that someone is “better”. This means that someone is ready to take the first step and tell that a relationship built on guilt, manipulation, intimidation and educational games does not suit him. And in order to adequately convey this, you need to invite a partner to the conversation.
In one movie, I caught a glimpse of such an episode. The couple talked about their relationship. “Every time we quarrel, no matter how hard it was, no matter how offended one of us was, we always gathered after 3 hours in the living room and sat down at the negotiating table.”
Get this rule. Let it be your place and your hours - an hour, two or a day later, wherever you want. It's important that both of you get into the habit of going there, no matter how bad the fight is, and talking about what happened. No accusations. Without attempts to assert themselves at the expense of a partner. Are you creating your own family, and not on the battlefield?
There is no right or wrong, and in any, even the most painful situation, never forget to ask about your partner's feelings and try to understand them. After all, he did something for a reason, even if formally he was the instigator of the quarrel.
And when you understand his reasons, you can safely convey your own. Keeping in mind what the throughline is about in this article, the best way to make your feelings clear to your partner is to talk about them. Don't blame someone else. Talk about yourself, your feelings. And not about "how bad he is." The difference in perception is huge.
In psychology, there is even a name for these strategies: “I-approach” and “you-approach”. As you may have guessed, the first is to talk about your feelings and the freedom for your partner to draw conclusions. "It hurts me when I don't hear from you during the day." And “you don’t give a damn about my feelings, you won’t get a call or an SMS from you in a day!”
In the first there is only a temporary combination - "when". And this allows the partner to draw his own conclusions. In the second - a directive indication of "wrong" and a negative assessment. And this always makes you either make excuses (and feel guilty, and then start to quietly hate your partner for it), or go on the offensive (and offensive defense rarely involves warm feelings).
“I think he thinks that I think he thinks….”
Real contact without illusions and lies is possible only between the real and openly expressed feelings of partners, as they are now. It is impossible to contact the assumptions created in one's own head. That is, you can, but it will be contact with yourself, and not with a partner.
I always invite people to imagine this picture (and sometimes even draw it):
Already from what is drawn, you can see that in addition to the two real participants in the contact, virtual (that is, not really existing) participants also wedged in there. Let's get to know them briefly:
self image
Everyone has. Of course, we cannot do without an image of ourselves as a whole, without knowing our real abilities and talents, character traits and capabilities, perceptions and external data. We have some idea about all this. But how close to reality it is depends on the person. As practice shows - more often far than close.
Building psychological defenses by modifying the image of oneself is not the topic of this material. For starters, it’s enough just to think about the fact that your idea of yourself can only partially correspond to reality. And to be born rather from the desired than from the actual.
This embellishment of reality often follows from a basic underestimation of oneself, and therefore performs a compensatory function. Self-underestimation, in turn, comes from parental assessments and limitations that most of us absorb as children. Moreover, there are practically no unambiguous images.
For example, one child was taught throughout childhood that being a child means being an “unfinished” person, irresponsible and ignorant of life, and therefore not taken seriously. Being an adult, therefore, was good and honorable.
As a result, a person will have a semi-conscious fear all his life, “what if I’m still not old enough?” And build such an image of yourself - an adult and responsible. And if such a person is told (not meaning anything bad) “you are like a child!” - then this person will be offended. Meanwhile, in the head of the interlocutor, this “like a child” had a completely approving and positive connotation.
And vice versa, if the child was not taught that being a child is bad, then even if the phrase “you are like a child” is said to him with a clearly negative connotation, meaning “irresponsible”, he simply will not notice it. And not offended. Because in the circle of his personal meanings, "child" and "irresponsible" are not connected in any way.
If at showdown you rely too much on the image of yourself - this is precisely what prevents you from hearing your partner.
Let's say he says something that directly indicates your lack of responsibility towards your partner. If you perceive the situation “in its purest form”, this will mean that here and now, on this particular day, you behaved without thinking about your partner.
This happens. This does not characterize you as an irresponsible person in principle. It only says that you forgot something or did not foresee. And this may have offended your half, which you were told about. And this can be solved and found out now, after listening to the person, realizing what did not suit him, realizing that he really was unpleasant, and drawing conclusions.
But more often it is quite different. Sometimes, regardless of how discontent was presented, you may see in it an attempt on a bright image of a responsible and adult person. And then write wasted. This dispute does not have a constructive resolution, because no one was going to tell you that you are “basically irresponsible”.
It is you yourself who make such demands on yourself - to meet your own demand for total responsibility in everything and always.
Perhaps, if you constantly see an unfair accusation in your partner’s remarks, is it worth it, first of all, to think about what requirements you place on yourself?
Perhaps in your couple, only you yourself are so fixated on your impeccability, but the partner calmly admits that you may have flaws. Think: are you sorting things out with a partner or with yourself?
Image of a partner
Everyone has it too. Of course, we feel something for a partner for a reason - also because we saw in him something important for ourselves. And this has both pluses and minuses. Of course, it's great when something in a partner delights you. But it is impossible to measure everything else in a person by only one criterion: “how he / she treats me”.
Not all actions of a partner are dictated solely by his attitude towards you. Some of them are just his actions, habits, needs, etc., which have nothing to do with you. And if a person has connected his life with you, this does not mean at all that now he will do everything and always in the light of your relationship.
Yes, of course, solving global and major issues alone while being married is somehow really not about marriage. But interpreting every act of a partner in the light of a relationship is also not always productive for marriage.
For example, your partner devotes a lot of time to sports. At the time of falling in love, the pace of work on oneself in the physical plane could be reduced. But as soon as your relationship has become stable, the intensity of passions has decreased, your partner again returns to himself, to his priorities.
And he can correct them as much as he wants, including based on the fact that he has a pair. The question is what do you want to see. Selfish? Selfish person? Or someone who takes care of himself and takes care of his health, including for the sake of your family?
Or maybe it's out of the family. It's just part of your partner, an integral part. You can only negotiate with her, accept the other as he is, and was before you, but you should not try to destroy in him what you do not fully understand. And it’s not always worth interpreting this exclusively in the spirit of “if you are doing something for yourself, then you are taking this time from me and from us.”
Or another vivid example of how the image is created "in the course of action." Let's say your husband is late at work. And for various reasons (maybe your fears, maybe moments from his past life, which you know about, maybe, following the recent example of a girlfriend) you start thinking something like “what if he has a mistress there?”
This thought alone is enough to make reality seem to rush to you to prove that you are right. Although, the point, of course, will not be in reality, but in the fact that the majority tend to interpret everything that happens within the framework of their own ideas.
And here's the image of a partner - "the one who can go on a spree at work." In this case, reality may not coincide with your expectations at all. But if you start communicating with a partner from this position, implying that everything is exactly as you think, there is a risk of global misunderstanding. Because you, under various pretexts, begin to demand that you come home from work at the “supposed” time, and your husband may be sincerely perplexed about your attempts to limit him - after all, he is trying, for example, to earn more money just for you, for the family. But, forgetting to ask him about what is really behind his late arrivals, you begin to communicate with him as if he had already committed at least a couple of mortal sins.
So with whom do you communicate in reality - with your fantasies and fears, or with reality? Who happens to showdown– with a partner or the reality that you have created in your head? And who is responsible for this?
Image of yourself through the eyes of another
Of course, it is important to know what your partner thinks and feels about you. But there is only one way to do this - ask. And believe. And for this it is worth recalling once again what we have already said: the partner is different. And if you start looking for explanations for his actions before him, then you will most likely communicate with yourself, and not with your partner, because his causes and effects are most likely very different from yours, and therefore could not come to your mind.
Here is an example. Women often complain that men watch porn. Why this generally occurs to men more often - you can read in the article "Men on Porn Sites". Another thing is important - first, a woman in frustrated feelings makes a man understand that this is bad, and then demands to explain why he needs it.
But what kind of person would want to explain if he has already been told “how disgusting it is”? And even more so, if a woman herself came up with such an image of herself in which she is “no longer attractive to her husband”, has already managed to take offense at this, and now requires an explanation?
This formulation of the question contains a hidden requirement "prove to me that I am still attractive to you." But in most cases, it is just the way it is! And it is difficult for a person to prove what he himself did not doubt.
If you really want to find out why, you should start with this question. And not with speculation that "if he does this, then he does not need me." At least this way you have a chance to find out how things are in reality, and not get a portion of "sedative pills" in the vein of "yes, I don't know why and why, but I won't do it again."
Deadlock conflicts
There are a number of situations in which everything is not reduced to speculation, the inability to hear the interlocutor and competently convey their feelings. It happens that the partner is heard, his feelings are conveyed correctly, but the situation is not resolved.
I'll give you an example. Suppose a woman grew up in a family of neat people, and she herself got used to perfect cleanliness in the house. She is even ready to maintain order herself, if she is not interfered with. But often a man has a lower bar in relation to order, and he is not at all embarrassed by scattered socks or shirts just lying on the couch.
There are no right and wrong here, just as there is no norm. However, what if the requirements for the situation are different, and it is impossible to reduce everything to one “standard”?
The way to resolve conflicts of this kind can be represented as purely mathematical. Suppose the wife's requirements for order on some hypothetical scale are +30. And the husband - +10. There is a banal arithmetic mean +20. This will be the step on which both will take two equal steps - she is a little down, and he is a little up.
Most are offended: how is it, my requirement for the order is more “ideal”, more “correct”, why should I omit? The answer is simple - the same reason why it should rise. If the partners do not take a common step towards each other, then one will feel depressed.
It is clear that the step itself will not be just quantitative - one shirt can be left, and the other must be removed. More like a priority system. Let the one who has the highest order requirements try to choose a couple of the most painless things. Which you can survive without much damage to yourself - and here let go a little of your demands.
But what unnerves and irritates most of all - it is in this place that you can ask your husband to take a step forward. As a result, the demand for more order will be much more specific than “you should clean up after yourself more often,” for example, “please be sure to put the dishes in the sink and fill them with water. I can wash myself, but when the food has dried on the plate, it is much more difficult to wash it.”
Perhaps, over time, your husband will also be imbued with your love of order. But only if you go in small steps, and not upload the entire wish list to your partner. After all, what is feasible seems easy, but the ideal picture may seem overwhelming and generally discourage the partner from doing something in this direction.
The same question often arises with sex. At a certain stage, it may turn out that one needs more and more often, while for the other, on the contrary, the needs are reduced.
Very often this situation concerns couples of the same age, when both are already over 30 - the sexuality of a man falls, and for a woman it increases significantly for some time. And here the same arithmetic helps: if three times a week is enough for your wife, and one is enough for you, then two is your arithmetic average. Of which once you can take the initiative yourself, and the second time just follow the lead of your wife.
Many people say that “you don’t want to step over yourself if you don’t want to.” However, observing couples with similar family conflicts(and especially those who are otherwise relatively well-adjusted), I have come to the conclusion more than once: a man with average health and without pronounced sexological problems loses his psychological interest in sex in its former quantity rather than the very opportunity to engage in it.
What this is connected with is a topic for a separate article, but in this case something else is important: even where, it would seem, everything should be spontaneous and mutual, sometimes you need to internally tune in to your partner, give in.
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