Successful careers for women, how to succeed in everything. Family or career? How to combine two elements without losing yourself
Whatever one may say, over the past decades, women have begun to do more work of all kinds than men. She is constantly busy and busy. At work, he thinks about what to buy for the evening. At home he thinks about work and the whole family - and so on every day. How to combine work and family? In addition, the woman began to think more about her career than about family problems and worries.
The human body is not a programmed robot that can work for days without getting tired. Everything has its limit. But, most importantly, with proper planning throughout the day, you can combine work and family with pleasure. The question is: how to combine work and family? We will try to help you, our dear women.
Psychologists advise adhering to two basic rules. First: you need to clearly divide your status - at work I work, and in the family I am only concerned with the family. It’s just that, as the proverb goes, you can’t kill two birds with one stone;
The second rule: you need to clearly plan your entire day. And then it will be much easier for you to deal with both work and family;
However, in addition to this, you need to remember that you have a husband and children who can also actively participate in household chores. You need to talk to them and make it clear that mom is not made of iron, and their help will make her work easier. And there will be more time to communicate with children and husband;
Everyone needs to be given their own area of work - the distribution of family labor is a way to combine work and family. This both saves time for you and accustoms your children to leading a family life. Let smaller children do as much work as they can - wipe the dust, put their toys and things in the locker. Older children can wash the dishes, clean the apartment, take out the trash, and cook a meal. The husband can do this too;
There is another option to combine family and work - change your occupation. Many women earn money from home. So everything is in order at home, and there is additional income;
Since on weekdays you manage to communicate little with your loved ones, dedicate the entire weekend to them. Walks, trips to nature, to the cinema or the circus are a wonderful way to combine work and family, further bond the whole family and find out all the news about their week.
So, beloved women, try to think not only about your family, but also about yourself. And then each family member will be grateful to you and love you more. Don't be a hunted horse with your tongue on your shoulder. Have pity on yourself, and don’t do everything yourself.
How to keep up with everything at work and at home
The development of the modern world is moving at a breakneck pace and the saying “those who didn’t have time are late” is becoming more and more relevant. In trying to do absolutely everything, some people simply reach despair. Today, proper time management is a whole science. Work, family, home, friends... how to find time for all this without developing chronic fatigue syndrome? In our article we will try to figure out what to do to always be on time.
You need to do everything to the best of your ability and strength to combine work and family. You should not try to “embrace the immensity.” The following tips will help those who struggle with lack of time and do not accept compromises.
You shouldn't strive for perfection. Try to simplify your tasks.
Plan your day in the evening to balance work and family. Write down your daily schedule in your diary. This way, important matters will not be forgotten, while less significant ones can simply be “filtered out.” To be able to do everything everywhere, start the day on time; those extra 5-10 minutes spent in bed will still not help you get enough sleep, but they will help you get ready more thoroughly and not forget anything. If possible, play energetic music and ventilate the room.
Concentrate on one specific task.
Be sure to get enough sleep. Adequate sleep will help you maintain energy throughout the day, and also maintain health, youth and beauty.
To keep up with everything, learn to separate the important from the secondary. Highlight what needs to be done today and now.
The daily plan should contain no more than 6-7 main tasks in order to combine work and family. Each day, one task must be entered into one of the categories.
Take breaks while completing tasks. Literally 15 minutes are enough to start the next task with new strength and fresh thoughts.
Relax on the weekend. Go to the cinema, theater, get out into nature, etc.
Arrange items correctly if you want to keep up with everything. Keep documents and work folders in a specially designated place, keep your desk tidy.
Involve the whole family in doing household chores.
Limit your TV viewing (serials, talk shows, etc.) and Internet access. These resources can take up a huge amount of time.
Give your body a rest. Allow yourself to visit the theater or go to the pool with family or friends at least once a month. Such a vacation brings great benefits and pleasure.
We hope that thanks to these tips you learned what to do to always be on time. Try to organize your time in such a way as to have time to complete a variety of tasks - both main and secondary.
How to combine two jobs at once
It’s a good question, because many people today are trying to combine work and family, or even two jobs and a family. What reasons might give rise to a person’s thoughts about doing additional work? The fact is that highly qualified specialists can afford to work several jobs for a variety of reasons.
Firstly, this is beneficial for them, since naturally more money will come into your pocket from such a combination.
Secondly, if the employer is interested in this employee and his qualities so much that he can freely keep him even part-time, then the person is actually in demand, accordingly, there is always the opportunity, in case of inconsistencies, to move from one main job to the one that is was part-time.
Well, the third point is that this is not prohibited by law, so everyone can work for their own pleasure as much as they can fit into it.
The first side of the question allows us to understand how to combine work and family. Well, according to the labor code, part-time work is provided, so you can safely collect all the necessary documents and get a second job. By the way, in order not to experience any inconvenience, you have the right not to even warn your main employer about your second job, he doesn’t need to know this, it’s not his business at all.
The second side of the question comes down to time. How to manage everything? Here you need to consider whether you can fully devote time to part-time work. What problems might arise? Initially, you may simply not be able to keep up, although this issue is resolved exclusively with the second employer, where you can determine what, when and how much.
The issue of housing can also become decisive, because it is not always convenient to travel from one part of the city to another, and then somewhere else. No, it’s certainly great if you have your own car, but not everyone has one.
Keep in mind that you are human. And people have such a tendency as fatigue. Therefore, think ten times whether you will be able to combine work and family, whether you can withstand this pace of life, or maybe it’s not worth spending your time and money on a part-time device.
Finally, the second job may be illegal at all, perhaps it will be done at home, so here you proceed solely from your own considerations, but remember that unofficial work also has its pitfalls.
Now you know exactly how to combine family and work and how to manage everything in this life. Good luck!
Stories about women who manage to juggle raising children and running successful businesses tend to read like superhero stories. With one hand they stir the soup, with the other they put the babies to bed, and meanwhile they discuss a multimillion-dollar contract on the phone. What feelings do these stories evoke, other than disbelief? We asked the founders of the Ribambelle club-restaurant chain, Yulia Fedorishina and Oigul Musakhanova, to talk about what lies behind the image of a successful mother.
Four years ago, Yulia Fedorishina and Oigul Musakhanova, friends and colleagues who worked in neighboring offices of a large corporation, decided to radically change their lives. Together they opened the family club-restaurant Ribambelle. For this reason, for many months the girls worked 14 hours a day, saw their children in fits and starts, and there was no talk of any happy motherhood. And two years later they opened a second restaurant, the windows of which overlook the famous Apothecary Garden - and, oddly enough, it was then that they managed to come to harmony and devote enough time to both work and family. When we agreed on the interview, they warned: “We leave home no later than seven o’clock in order to have time to be with the children before bedtime.” And, as it turned out during the meeting, they had to go a long way to make this possible.
About chaos and order
Oigul Musakhanova:
The only way to manage everything is to structure your day and create a strict schedule. Yulia and I took a long time to achieve this: for the first two and a half years we worked almost seven days a week. Is there enough chaos in our lives? No, there was too much of it when we started the business. But when life is chaotic, a person does not have time to do anything either at home or at work. Of course, sometimes we don’t have enough time for the banal “being lazy.” That’s why Yulia and I came up with “days of inefficiency,” when we leave everything we’re doing and just sit back.
Yulia Fedorishina:
Priority is still given to children. We get up at seven in the morning every day to get them ready for school. Before scheduling meetings that we must attend together with Oigul, we be sure to check the schedule of classes and clubs. Of course, there are a lot of unplanned situations - concerts at school, illness, urgent family matters. But when in general there is a clear daily routine, thanks to which it is possible to finish everything on time, these spontaneous moments are not perceived as a disaster.
About help
Yu.F.:
Usually, stories about women who manage to combine work and family, for some reason, do not tell about people without whom all this would be impossible. Oigul and I do not hide the fact that while we are building a business, our children spend time with nannies. We don't greet them home from school with a laptop in one hand and a ladle in the other. I think that the story about a woman who manages to earn millions while the child is sleeping and soup is boiling in a saucepan is largely a myth. Moreover, it is a myth that irritates many people.
O.M.:
I also don’t believe in these stories about “she manages everything on her own.” Moreover, I am sure that in such a situation, when a woman strives to be ideal in everything, refusing help, all areas of her life suffer - both work and children. And if at the same time she is dissatisfied with herself, then she is unlikely to make her child happy.
About the victims
O.M.:
Of course, we sacrifice a lot. Sometimes we sacrifice extra income, and sometimes we sacrifice time spent with our children. In addition, it is not always possible to switch from work to family. It is impossible to press some switch inside: “And now I’m reading you a fairy tale!” – and forget about everything that bothered you during the day. And children feel it, of course.
Yu.F.:
During the crisis, Oygul and I had several peak moments - when the exchange rate changed sharply, sanctions were introduced. At some point we simply did not know what awaited us tomorrow. Sometimes we had to pay employees salaries out of our own pockets. We were nervous, returning home at night. Of course, all this affected family relationships. But these sacrifices were not in vain, because now we have again reached the schedule that allows us to keep up with everything.
About motivation
O.M.:
In my culture, women are always told to be modest, stay at home and not show off their assets to society. A woman who is too smart and independent scares men away. Fortunately, I was born into a family with different values: my grandmother was an academician and wrote books, and my mother became a scientist. Apart from the incredible drive I get from running my business, my motivation today is very simple: I am a mother of two children whom I need to provide with everything they need. We divorced their father several years ago, and now the present and future of our family is my personal responsibility.
Yu.F.:
To feel a taste for life, I need self-realization in my career. There was a period when, after the birth of my first child, I became “just a mother” for two years. Then I finally realized that this lifestyle was not suitable for me. Probably, a sense of security plays an important role here. Some people feel safe being behind their husband. But if I sat at home, I would simply degrade, I would not be able to force myself to develop and move forward.
About relationships with men
Yu.F.:
In order to build a career and remain a wife and mother, you must first build a partnership with your husband. Our country is still patriarchal in many ways, so I am aware that not all men are ready to see a woman next to her who works 14 hours a day. But I was lucky in this sense. My husband and I were colleagues for a long time, then we made careers together, and grew professionally together. It was only thanks to his support and patience that I was able to start my own business. He believed in me, gave me an emotional charge in those moments when I doubted my abilities. But I’m not sure that such a relationship can be built with any man, especially in Russia. Probably, such a partner should be chosen from the very beginning.
O.M.:
I have always had great doubts about the “victim” position that some women use to justify their reluctance to work. They tell themselves that they are performing a colossal feat, sacrificing their lives for the sake of their children and husband. As a result, a tired husband returns after work, and a victim is waiting for him at home, who spent the whole day putting everything on the altar for him. I think many families would be much happier without these sacrifices. After all, from sacrifice the postulate “you owe me” and “you are all to blame for me” is born. And this is a destructive position. Of course, it’s another question when a man does not allow a woman to study and work. But this is rather a question of the initial position of both partners in the relationship. It is better to negotiate such things “on shore”.
About guilt
O.M.:
In my case, everything was complicated by the fact that the beginning of my project with Yulia coincided with my divorce from my husband. Therefore, at some point the children were really abandoned to the nanny. The feeling of guilt haunted me constantly. There were scandals at home - the children didn’t like that I came late and didn’t let go of the phone. And I found the worst way to deal with this - I began to allow them everything, to indulge their every whim. But very quickly I realized that their behavior was only getting worse. Then I began to think: I’m not paying enough attention to them because I’m making money and trying to build a foundation for the future. Only then did the feeling of guilt gradually begin to go away.
Yu.F.:
I feel guilty when my children are sick. It seems to me that they get sick because I don't pay enough attention to them. I understand that this is an irrational feeling, but I sincerely believe in it. Then I cancel almost everything, leave only the essentials, and spend time with the child. The rest of the time, I am sure that children do not need their parents to spend time with them “for show.” They perfectly sense falsehood. It’s better to finish all your work, breathe out, tune in to the children - and only then return home.
How to talk to children about work
O.M.:
Until a certain point, I didn’t tell my children why I work. But one day we went on vacation and they saw the bill from the hotel. They are already old enough (the daughter is 9.5 years old, and the son is 6) to understand that, in terms of candy, the amount is impressive. Then we started discussing how mom works so hard to make sure they have everything they need. The best way to raise a child is to lead by example. If you convince children that they need to be independent and strong, study and work, but you yourself do not set such an example, then why should they believe you?
Yu.F.:
My son is already 9 years old, and we often talk about this topic. I would like him to grow up independent. My daughter is only one year old, but with regard to girls, the issue of independence seems even more important to me. I understand this when I read stories about women who endure years of domestic violence or humiliation simply because they have nowhere to go. I want to raise my children in such a way that they are able to take responsibility for their own lives.
It's funny trying to find time to write this particular article. It didn’t work out the first time, but if you see it, it means combining work and family is quite possible.
I think the biggest secrethow to combine work and family- wish.
When you really want both, then there are ways to combine them. Passionate love helps me a lot: both for work and for my husband and child.
But nevertheless, not everything is so simple, even if you really want to.
- So how do you make time for your family when work, overtime, over-tasks, over-responsibility take over? After all, you ultimately want to earn money for the same family.
- What to do if you really want to go to work or work more, but the feeling of guilt in front of your loved ones haunts you.
Before we talk about this in more detail, I want to point out that it's really cool when it comes together in the end. I have seen many different happy people, and happiness comes in different forms, but quite often the state of happiness is facilitated by having your own business, the desire to go to work, self-realization, and a family to which you want to return in the evening.
At the same time, I saw quite a lot of sad, tired people who only have one of these areas implemented, which can be achieved by five points, but on the other, things are bad.
Moreover, a person may not realize this. But when balance is restored, happiness increases.
Why not choose just one? What is more important: family or career?
For example, a man who claimed that he was disappointed in women, but work gives him everything... who suddenly becomes so relaxed, gentle and sincere, having met the support that he had been looking for for so long. And suddenly it turns out that he wants to spend more time with his family.
Or a woman who devoted herself entirely to her husband and children, and never intended to build a career... suddenly begins to radiate a huge amount of energy and positivity when she opens her own pet grooming salon. She regains the feeling that in addition to her family, there is also herself, her desires and ambitions.
Give it back, it's mine! Combine family and career as two parts of yourself.
In fact, this is a story about two very important human needs. People certainly have needs for love, support, warm relationships, and building a family. And without this it can be quite difficult for a notorious careerist.
And at the same time, any person has a need to feel like a human being, to feel separate, active, with his own goals. This can manifest itself not only in building a career. This need can be satisfied if a person has some important hobby, has a circle of friends (not only on a family topic), has someone to dress up for, and has some achievements of his own.
Some women find this kind of thing within the framework of raising children.
For example, they begin to become seriously interested in pedagogical issues, or write articles, stories, fairy tales, realizing their writing talent, or begin to seriously engage in issues of children's health. But one way or another, it’s easy to see the difference: when a person does all this rather solely for the sake of the happiness of others, or does it bring some kind of feeling of his own Self-Realization.
If this Business is primarily aimed at the happiness of others, then this is good and healthy, but then it is again satisfying the need to have good relationships, but does not embody the idea of self-realization.
Relationships in which people do not engage in self-realization soon begin to deteriorate.
Although this myth exists mainly among women, judging by my observations. The myth that the most important thing for a man is that everything is clean, comfortable, the children are fed, and dinner is on the table. And if you ask men, they often say that this is all important, of course, but for this they could simply hire someone, and no less important for them is the opportunity to discuss something interesting together, exchange impressions (not only about children).
I'm not even talking about the fact that mutual interest in each other, the presence of an interesting life for each of the spouses significantly contributes to the improvement of sexual life in marriage. Tenderness and care from a “loved one” is one thing, but passion and interest are a little different. So in fact, if you are trying to choose whether family or career is more important to you, it means that you are trying to give up some part of yourself.
So let's look at how to restore balance. Some advice for both sides.
Topic number one. If you work a lot, but there is no energy and time left for a family (or to create one).
1. Do you want to love, care, rush home?..
Often, running away into work, unfortunately, hides some other experiences and tense marital issues. For example, lately it’s been boring and monotonous at home, but at work there’s always something new. Or in relationships, in building relationships, something doesn’t work out, something frightens, worries.
What to do?
If you really don't want to spend more time with family, then, in principle, you can continue to run away to work, why not. It’s just better to let it be a conscious choice. Otherwise, during a quiet period at work, you may accidentally find yourself lonely, and it will be completely sad.
And if everything is not so serious, you can figure out what to do with your fear, anxiety or boredom, which have temporarily become synonymous with your relationship. I have witnessed more than once how a good confidential conversation leads to the fact that spouses begin to be together more often, and for some reason overtime hours cease to be so super-important. Magic.
2. I want to defeat everyone, achieve the maximum, manage everything, realize all my ideas!
For those who throw themselves into work because it is very interesting, super-important, a very important period, a chance that must not be missed, etc... I understand you well. I’m not sleeping, I’m writing an article. But, as my husband, who knows how to switch from work to family, says: there will always be a lot of work. And damn it's true. No matter how much you do it, it never ends. So, I have to find this family-work balance for myself today. Today, not when I “finish everything.”
What to do?
To give up something.
Delegate something.
Otherwise, children will grow up quickly and unnoticed. It won't take long to become strangers. And not knowing what to talk about with your child, not really understanding how he lives is a very unpleasant feeling.
And in general, life is not as long as it seems. It’s not a fact that you will be able to fill her with love someday later.
But it's difficult.
It is very difficult to give up some achievements at work, some specific tasks and victories out of habit.even if it’s for the sake of combining career and family.You still need to put your perfectionism somewhere else, to accept imperfection in your work.
And then the family also brings its “dividends” if you invest in it.If you figure out how to combine work and family in time, it will pay off.
3. What will I tell my colleagues and boss?
Most people by default accept that a person has the right to weekends, has the right to evenings with family, has the right to vacation. If there is a boss who requires you to work 24 hours a day, then it was not he who entered your territory, it was not he who prevented you from combining your career and family - it was you who let him in. It's your choice how many hours a day to work. And life will adjust.
4. What about money, I’m trying for my family. How to spend more time with your family - but who will earn money?
This is a very popular response from men whose wives sit next to them and complain that they don’t see their husbands at all. And then a question to these husbands: “Have you asked your wives what is more important to them: a vacation in a five-star hotel or fun evenings with their husbands in an embrace?” Different wives will answer differently. But to find out, you need to ask. And here a question arises for workaholics (both men and women) who work hard for the sake of their family: have you agreed on this with your family?
What to do?
Approve. You can safely discuss who works, how much in your family and why. And what’s more, you can correct this later on the campaign. But before deciding what is more important: family or career, especially if this is a choice for the sake of the family, why not consult with your loved ones.
For example, you decided that you will both work hard, both will save, and stop spending money on leisure in order to buy a summer cottage by the end of the year. Then it’s clear why you should try. But maybe a crisis has occurred, prices have risen, it will take longer to save, relationships are no longer the same as before - let's better slow down and reconsider our plan. And we'll go to the cinema eventually.
Many conflicts in family-work issues arise simply because the spouses have opinions on this topic.
If this is a story about you or about your spouse, press the buttons and let’s look at the situation from the other side.
And the second topic. What to do if the family “won’t let go.” Family or career for a woman would seem to be a more familiar question. But it's a familiar dilemma for men, too.
1. Is this how you want to work? Do you really want your own business?
Often the family, not allowing, say, the mother to leave maternity leave, seems to help her, sensing her unconscious fears and anxieties. This is quite understandable. Returning to work after a break of, for example, several years can be very stressful. Even if there is such a desire. What if there is no desire?
A common story: mothers who are especially indecisive in this matter, their children get sick more often, their husbands more often remind them of household responsibilities... they seem to say to their mother: “we see that you are scared to go to interviews, and at the same time you are familiar and calm at home , don’t torture yourself, stay at home, take care of us.” Why look for a way to combine work and family if you are loved so much?
What does this story have to do with both women and men? If in the previous part I talked about how it is easy to escape into work from difficulties in the family, then in this part I can say that it works in the opposite direction too.If there are any difficulties at work, laziness... it is very easy to find a reason to come to work later.There is no need to look for a reason. A reason will find you if you dream of skipping work.
What to do?
To begin with, honestly answer the question of whether or not to do something of your own. What exactly do you want? And then deal with the feelings that arise from these thoughts. Maybe it's anxiety, confusion, sadness, fear of not expressing yourself in the best way. Any support will help here, consultation with a good psychologist, if possible, maybe career guidance.
2. Calmness and confidence.
When you clearly understand what you really want to create in your own life (who to work for, what courses to take, where to go on your own), your whole life will adapt to it. Your loved ones are unlikely to refuse if you calmly and confidently make it clear what kind of help you need for this.
If you don't put yourself first in your life, no one will do it for you. But if you succeed, your loved ones will only be glad to see you as a happy person.
And of course, it is important to coordinate your plans with your family. Nobody likes to be confronted with a fait accompli in such matters. But once you agree, you will have the strength to invent your own super way to combine career and family.
3. What to do with feelings of guilt? Do you need to spend more time with your family in order to not feel bad?
Feelings of guilt are a frequent companion of loving parents and loving spouses. After all, you want to be good, the best, the most caring. I want to give the most to my loved ones. And since reality imposes its own limitations, a feeling of guilt arises. How can you start working more or developing your business if your family already gets little of your attention?
The answer is paradoxical:
- There is an important contribution that only you can make to your family. Your family needs you happy. If you are, say, a woman, then your family needs a happy wife and mother. Borscht is always secondary. It’s more pleasant to cook a pot of dumplings with joy and love than to console a mother who has laid a three-course dinner on the table, but has not been able to get out of depression for a long time and does not know what she needs to be happy.
- When you invest more in yourself, sometimes distract yourself from your family roles - the more loving, family man you become. You have time to miss your loved ones, as if to fall in love with them again. I know this very well from myself. I love my son much more when, after a short but completely captivating job, I remember that I have him!
- Understand what exactly you feel guilty about. Maybe you feel guilty for not taking your child for a walk like before, or for yelling at him yesterday and not apologizing, or for not looking after him before he caught a cold. Having noticed some specific fault, it is much easier to switch to a constructive direction. A specific fault can often be corrected in some way, acknowledged out loud, or compensated for. And the abstract guilt that you can’t combine career and family the way you would like is much less helpful.
- And with the desire to become a super-correct husband, father, super-correct wife and mother, alas, you still have to give up sooner or later. You have to accept your imperfections and achieve fairly good results in this real life, where it is impossible to do everything.
4. Chip-chip-chip-chip and Dale! They're coming to you in a hurry! We accept help, delegate and trust. How to combine work and family when there are only 24 hours in a day.
As I said at the very beginning, the main secret in this topic, in my opinion, is a strong desire. When you find some super-master class that you really want to go to... then suddenly it becomes easier to entrust the child to your grandmother or friend, it becomes not so important that your husband turned off the chicken in the oven 15 minutes later than necessary. When something appears, it becomes easier for you to ask for help and trust.
When there is something for the sake of it, it is much easier.
Well, if you have found someone to trust, delegate some issues (around the house, for example, or in the tasks of raising children), then it is then important to stay on this wave, i.e. mind your own business rather than calling every 15 minutes to make sure everything is okay.
Set your priorities. What is most important and enjoyable for you? What would you hate to spend your life on?
Try to delegate the rest to other people.
5. But how to find time for your business? “What kind of choice can there be between family and career for a woman with two children?” Sleight of hand and no fraud.
Let's say you have a husband and two children. Imagine for a moment that you have four children, and besides, relatives came to stay with you for the weekend. And now, oh, the relatives have left again, and two of the four children have managed to find accommodation for the evening. This kind of fantasy can help you feel how much power, opportunity, and desire you actually have that you don't usually feel.
So, I wish you to find harmony within yourself and give free rein to these most important needs: to realize yourself and build,
Write in the comments what specific methods or ideas help you find your balance in this matter,
Now I'm going to bed!
Everything for you, my dear readers,
Elena Zaitova.
“I am a careerist and at the same time a loving wife and mother. It’s quite possible to combine a career and family life,” notes Marina, financial director of a large Moscow design institute. After graduating from university, she joined the company as an ordinary accountant, then became deputy chief accountant. Several years ago I headed the accounting department, and recently I was offered the position of financial director.
Marina’s recipe for success is simple: “they complement each other perfectly. At work, I have enough opportunities to show my authority and feel like a “big boss.” That’s why I’m gentle and caring at home.”
“Marina’s happiness is that she got married during her student years. If she decided to start a family, having reached professional heights and financial well-being, finding a suitable companion would not be easy, she believes psychologist, owner of a marriage agency Yanina Brzheskaya. – Business women strive to find a person comparable in intellectual level and financial status. An accomplished businessman would be an ideal partner. But such men, as a rule, are afraid of business women.”
A nurse instead of a financial analyst
“My first job was as a financial analyst at a bank. Later, she headed the department for working with VIP clients, and the post of vice president loomed before her…” says sales manager Semyon. “At first I admired her intelligence and talent. But later it began to irritate me that she was not at home. She didn’t burden herself with cleaning the apartment or cooking.”
After the divorce, Semyon firmly decided that he would never marry a career woman. His new wife Veronica is a nurse at the hospital. “She earns very little. But I’m even pleased with this. I like to feel like a breadwinner and breadwinner,” Semyon says proudly.
Where can I find a house owner?
“Russian society, despite the active propaganda of feminist ideas, continues to largely remain conservative and patriarchal,” our expert believes. There are a huge number of women who are happy to create a rear for a successful man... But there is a clear lack of gentlemen who are ready to play a “supporting role” next to a successful woman.
“Businesswomen are attracted to gigolos who simply sit on their necks, use their money without giving anything in return,” says Janina Brzeskaya.
The art of being weak
Is the situation really hopeless and a woman needs to give up her career for the sake of it? Of course no.
Our expert gives three pieces of advice to anyone who seeks to combine career advancement and family happiness. Firstly, it is necessary to discuss this issue with the future chosen one before marriage. Is he ready to support his “soul mate”? Do you agree to take on some of the household responsibilities? Secondly, business women should master the art of being weak and not demonstrating superiority over the stronger sex! Thirdly, even the busiest women should at least occasionally devote time to household chores and caring for loved ones.
Have you ever felt guilty about loving your job too much and devoting too much time to it? If yes, I have a question for you. How do you know that you should feel this guilt?
Just don't say that you Always, you feel it every minute. Because if this were so, you would never work: firstly, it would be unbearably painful, and secondly, it would not bring you personally any dividends at all. And even money wouldn’t save us.
A feeling of guilt comes to you from time to time - when you see, coming home from work, the offended eyes of children or a mountain of unwashed dishes. When you can’t get out to see your child for a holiday. When your husband (or his mother) says that it’s difficult to find you at home and that you could pay more attention to your family.
At such moments, you remember soups that were undercooked, sick leaves that weren’t taken, important conversations that were crumpled up due to fatigue, broken promises, vacations spent with a phone in your hands (because they there at work without you it’s like without hands). You may even remember being a child, sitting in tears late at night on the washing machine in the hallway and waiting for your mother to come home from work.
It may even be that completely different memories come to you - when you had to quickly leave an important meeting because of a call from school, or missed foreign conferences because your husband would not approve of your week-long absence. And the reproachful looks of your boss when you took some of the work home, but got caught up in family troubles and didn’t manage to finish anything on time.
One of the solutions that women often find in such a situation is to try to do everything at once.
But trying to keep one eye on the children and the other on the computer quickly becomes tiresome. And often you find yourself ineffective in both roles. The soup is too salty, the report is full of typos, and my nerves are on edge. As a result, we get an overworked employee and a nervous housewife in one bottle.
On two fronts
But you love both your family and your work.
But in the end, for some reason, it turns out that the joy of self-realization poisons your home environment, and the joy of marriage and motherhood turns out to be an obstacle in your career.
And this, of course, is completely wrong. Because both are very important aspects of your life. And I really want to feel not guilt, but pleasure in both.
Here I would like to immediately separate two completely different types of attitude towards work: a person can be in love with his work, which is called “by calling,” or he can go there as compensation and a consolation prize. Both of them can easily become workaholics, that is, spend much more time on work than their loved ones would like, but the motive here is completely different. Those people for whom work is solely a way to earn money can easily change their profession if there is not enough money. But professionals who are passionate about their work are not. This is the difference, it seems to me.
Actually, the idea to write on this topic, and to write in this way, was born thanks to a question that I was recently asked online. How, they say, can this be when psychologists conduct trainings and teach others how to build happy personal relationships, but sometimes everything in their personal lives is so difficult that God forbid anyone?
Well, with psychologists everything is more or less clear. In general, people initially go into this profession for whom everything in life is not easy. This is called “woe from mind” among the classics.
In itself, a passion for philosophy, literature, psychology is a sign that a person is looking for some answers for himself. Which means he has questions.
I decided to reflect on the topic of “a shoemaker without boots” not only in relation to psychologists, but also about other professionals too.
Take doctors, teachers, scientists, artists, etc. “Service” professions are usually chosen by people with certain character traits. There is selflessness, and compassion, and the ability and desire to sacrifice oneself for the sake of saving others, and the nobility of high motives. But the main thing is that such people are usually very dedicated to their work.
My husband has a theory (I can’t say that I completely share it, but there is some truth in it). He says that people devoted to their profession, that is, the lucky 20% who are lucky enough to go to work with pleasure, in principle cannot be good family men, “devoted” spouses, parents, and children. Because they belong to their work. This is their main passion, and everything else is secondary.
As a person who is lucky enough to count himself among these 20% of people who are in love with their business, I would not judge so categorically. But there are really many such examples.
Selfless professionals are sometimes ready to neglect the interests of the family because it is necessary for the business.
Often they are so tired at work that they no longer have any strength, time, or energy left for their family. What is called “they will take off their last shirt,” but they will get the job done. Doctors can receive calls in the middle of the night from any stranger who urgently needs authoritative advice. A teacher may sit in school for hours overtime with struggling students, or even bring someone his own child's favorite toy as a gift to please a neglected student. In my client practice, I have had to listen to offended children who grew up in such conditions more than once. Alas.
But even if you do not work in the field of “service”, but it just somehow happened that without your authoritative recommendations or competent decisions, the whole process comes to a standstill at work and, therefore, you have to keep your finger on the pulse and your phone day and night under the pillow, then it’s a matter of unbuilt boundaries. And the inability to delegate responsibility.
This inability, by the way, can also have different underlying motives.
Admit it to yourself honestly - after all, such demand and irreplaceability not only tires you, but also flatters you. Sometimes you are really the only specialist in the company who can solve a particular issue. But it is possible that you yourself created this situation.
You grumble, swear, make excuses to your family, scold your subordinates, but at the same time, you can easily feel like a fairy godmother or a knight in shining armor who will never exchange this demand for anything. And he will even oust from the company anyone who becomes equally competent - and thereby encroach on his indispensability.
What can you do to stop feeling guilty and overwhelmed?
1. First, set your own priorities. And now I’m not talking about ultimatum measures “either family or work.” I mean that your time should be distributed quite clearly: how much and when you are at work (and only real force majeure can disturb you), and when exactly you will put everything aside and spend time with your children and family. They should be guaranteed to have such time - absolutely, under any circumstances!
2. Secondly, you need to understand that any complaints about the fact that “you spend too little time with me” usually concern, in fact, not the quantity, but the quality of this pastime. There is a big difference between “being close” and “being together.” Therefore, learn to be in one role and only in it at every moment. When you are at a family picnic or children's party, do not answer work calls or look at gadgets. Be where you are now. And if this is how you spend time with your children and husband, then the deficit of your presence will be satisfied much faster. Of course, it is desirable that each member of the household, including the cat, has his own exclusive piece of your attention every day. But common family dinners, when you can all be together, joke or discuss something important, are also very important.
3. And thirdly, finally stop reacting to provocations and obediently sprinkle ashes on your head every time someone wants to tell you that you are not a good enough mother or, conversely, not a very hard worker. As you know, people quickly get used to good things. And if earlier you devoted too much of your time and attention to your employees (students, clients, etc.), you could not refuse those who wanted your advice, help or consultation, these people began to perceive this behavior of yours as the norm. And, of course, it is possible that now they will have grievances and complaints against you. Make it clear to them that on weekends, evenings, or vacations, you belong to your family, and you think that's completely fair. Find someone in the office who can do some of your overtime duties for you.
4. Stop noticing only your shortcomings and shortcomings (I already wrote about this here). Pay attention to what you are doing and don’t forget to praise yourself for it. Enjoy your work - competence, creative ideas, success and rewards of all kinds. But when you come home, enjoy your family. No one knows how to make your signature cake better than you, no one can console a crying baby so quickly, no one can find better words of support and gratitude for your husband.
Don't poison your life with guilt - look at the joy of self-realization. In all areas of your life.
