Should we live in a civil marriage? He doesn’t ask for marriage, but offers to live together. Cohabitation with a man, or three reasons why not Should you agree to a civil marriage?

I have been dating a young man for 9 months. We have been living in a civil marriage for the last month. I've always been against this. And I agreed only because I love her. She lied to all her family that she proposed to me and that the wedding was coming soon. And I myself am suffering. When I start a conversation, why don’t we legalize the relationship, he says it’s too early. But I don’t understand how it’s like this: to swear your love, but it’s too early to go to the registry office. What should I do? Leave him? Or continue to wait for who knows how long?

Irina, Khabarovsk, 19 years old / 09.16.15

Our experts' opinions

• Alena

  Irina, this is a lesson for you: listen to your intuition and never act against your own moral principles. If cohabitation is an unacceptable form of relationship for you, then you don’t need to agree to it, no matter how in love you are. A man will not appreciate your sacrifice. He won’t even understand that this is a sacrifice for you. For him, “living” is like drinking water. For a girl, cohabitation is an act that is done “for the sake of love.” Because no matter how much we puff ourselves up and talk about open relationships and morals, a girl living with a guy without marriage is still considered frivolous in our culture. And there is a very clear justification for this: in our society, men have become less likely to ask their cohabitants to marry, and it is still important for our women to be married, because cohabitation does not give a woman any rights to claim at least something in the event of a breakup, even if she has five children in her arms. In the best case, she will then be able to sue for child support. If you're lucky. So no matter how strong your feelings may seem at first, if you want a serious relationship with a guy, you don’t have to agree to cohabitate. Especially at a young age. In my opinion, you should insist on your own: either you go to the registry office, or you return to your parents and you take a break in the relationship to rethink everything. It’s clear that the guy probably didn’t promise you anything from the very beginning that you agreed to live with him, because for you such an offer is tantamount to a marriage proposal, and in your understanding, one smoothly follows the other. But still, you should have voiced your desires and intentions to the guy from the very beginning. Perhaps he didn’t plan anything else and he’s just comfortable living with a girl who, in addition to sex, can also cook food and take care of the laundry, ironing, and cleaning. But at the same time, he does not imagine you as a wife. So, it’s not worth wasting your time. Walk away and take a break. He will either come to you with a marriage proposal, or he will not come at all. Both options are better than living and being tormented by the thoughts that you acted against your own moral principles and sacrificed your reputation for the sake of a guy who takes advantage of you, nothing more. And you can tell your parents and relatives that you had a fight and you changed your mind about marrying this idiot. Which is not far from the truth. They will grumble and calm down.

• Sergey

  Irina, personally, I think that in this matter you need to insist on your own, even to the point of breaking off the relationship, if the guy does not agree. You are absolutely right that a person who truly loves will not shy away from formalizing the relationship. If he tries to eat the fish and everything else, it means he’s not planning anything serious with you. And if so, then as soon as the passions subside and everyday life appears, he will even less want to go to the registry office. And in a few years you will still break up. Well, why then should I pound water in a mortar in vain? A waste of time and nerves. Therefore, you should have a serious talk with the guy and let him know that you don’t want to live on a bird’s license. And if he really loves you, then you need to go apply as soon as possible. If he doesn’t want to, he’ll start making excuses, so pack your things and leave. And you can honestly tell your family that you were hoping for a serious relationship, but it turned out to be wrong. No one will blame you. And with a guy, if he doesn’t come to his senses and doesn’t come to ask him to marry, no more communication. At all. There is no need to wait for anything. Believe me, it’s better to “get over it” now, before the knots get too tight, than to deal with the same thing years later, when he’s still a young man and you’re already approaching thirty.

Hello dear readers of the Samprosvetbyulleten blog!

« The man does not ask for marriage, but offers to live together. I’m confused and now I’m wondering whether to live in a civil marriage or give up? He says that he is not against marriage, but we must first live together and see how everything goes, that it’s better for me, in case I don’t like something. Many of my friends live for several years without a receipt, waiting for the promised wedding. Maybe I’m just screwing myself over and there’s nothing wrong with moving in together and living together, but there are “cats scratching at my soul.” Why didn’t he propose to me after all, maybe he doesn’t love me that much? I, help me put everything in its place,” writes Margarita.

“My beloved offers me to live together and I am faced with the question: should I live in a civil marriage? Maybe this is right, just move in together and check first, but, on the other hand, it hurt me that he didn’t ask me to get married. He said that the stamp in the passport is not important. I don't know what to do. I love him very much and don’t want to lose him, but this is not what I imagined,” writes Julia.

In Russia, according to the Family Code, only registered marriages are recognized. In marriage, responsibility before the law is established; the relationship goes beyond the framework of a private agreement and acquires legal certainty with appropriate guarantees. By registering a marriage, a couple announces their relationship to society and receives the appropriate rights; it becomes possible to represent their family before society, speaking on its behalf, having official status.

Unregistered cohabitation in Russia is called “civil marriage”. This form of relationship occurs in two versions.

Two options for unregistered cohabitation

1) As an alternative to traditional marriage . In this case, unregistered cohabitation differs from marriage only in the absence of legal registration. Although in some Western countries, premarital unregistered cohabitation or partnership is a recognized and legally enshrined social institution.

2) Like a “trial marriage”, a preliminary stage before marriage to check compatibility. A trial marriage differs from a civil marriage in that it does not last long, the marriage is concluded or the partners separate. It happens that a woman successively enters into several unregistered trial marriages, harboring hopes for a longer relationship, practically living in consistent polygamy, before she meets a reliable partner and gets married.

Research shows that women often misinterpret the meaning of unregistered cohabitation. Most of them think something like this: “we are on the right path, this will lead to something more...” Whereas a man thinks: “I can now sleep with her every night, I have more order in my apartment, I have a ready-made dinner waiting for me, it’s convenient for me and it works!” This is of course an exaggerated generalization and there are exceptions. But perhaps some women will recognize their situation here.

Unregistered cohabitation - preparation for marriage?

The most common arguments in favor of unregistered cohabitation are checking compatibility, preparing for marriage, lack of coercion - everything rests on trust, and not on a stamp in the passport.

There is a myth that living together before marriage will increase your chances after marriage. Studies have shown that experience in unregistered cohabitation does not affect the success of a subsequent marriage and does not provide any guarantees for the future, even if, according to the partners, their compatibility has been tested.

In fact, real preparation for marriage occurs not in premarital cohabitation, but in the parental family. In family psychology, the presence of a parental family and positive experience of relationships with brothers and sisters are considered as one of the important conditions for the success of a future marriage. See more about the factors influencing the fate of marriage.

To get married you need to have certain abilities, which are formed in the parental family.

This is the ability:
- to communication;
- take care of loved ones;
- cooperate;
- sympathize;
- be tolerant, forgiving and kind;
- empathize and penetrate into the emotional world of another person;
- find spiritual unity;
- accept a person with all his oddities and shortcomings;
- suppress your egoism.

Portrait of people prone to unregistered cohabitation

The reluctance to legally formalize the relationship may hide uncertainty associated with experienced psychological trauma, for example, it could be betrayal, the death of a loved one, deception, problems in intimate life. In addition, a person may try to protect himself from unforeseen circumstances. The very attempt to test the relationship suggests that people do not fully accept each other, they are not ready to take on obligations, they are not ready to bear responsibility. A skeptical attitude towards registering a marriage may be associated with negative examples in the parental family, among relatives and friends.

It has been established that people who choose unregistered cohabitation may be distinguished by some of the following features:
1) liberal attitudes;
2) origin from successful families;
3) poor school performance in childhood;
4) the character equally manifests both traditional male and female character traits;
5) good communication ability;
6) the ability to withstand the pressure of social norms;
7) the presence of socio-economic reasons that make unregistered cohabitation a more convenient option.

Living with a man while waiting for marriage?

Whether you will live with a man in an unregistered cohabitation or not is your choice. If you don’t want to live together without registering a marriage, but are doing this so as not to lose your man, tell him about it. Living with a man while waiting for his proposal or wedding preparations may not be as pleasant as you imagine. Try to be realistic and do not attribute meanings to a man’s words that he does not put into them. If they don’t propose to you, but offer to live together, it means that they only see you as a friend. If you were proposed to, and you moved in together before marriage, but a year or two passed, and “things are still there,” then the man actually did not fulfill his intention, and proposed to you formally in order to provoke cohabitation.

I know that some women, out of fear, agree to a “civil marriage”, have children, and get used to a certain way of life. On the one hand, they are afraid to break everything, and on the other hand, they cannot put up with the uncertainty and reluctance of a man to register a relationship. Someone still waited a few years for the wedding, and everything seemed to be fine, but there was a sediment in the soul that lay like a burden on the heart. Someone is still suffering and cannot make a choice whether to leave or remain as a cohabitant.

Therefore, it is important to set your priorities correctly from the very beginning. If you want marriage, have the courage and honestly tell the man that it is possible for you to live together only in marriage, that the position of a cohabitant will be unbearable for you, no matter what it is called - girlfriend, common-law wife, partner. In such situations it is checked. Some women think it is more important to make concessions. But there are many women who honestly told a man about their attitudes, views on life, were understood, received an offer and began to live together already in marriage. It's okay to have your own beliefs, attitudes, principles and talk about it openly.

Not every man understands that by proposing cohabitation, he puts his woman in an ambiguous position, when she has to justify herself to her parents, married girlfriends, curious relatives and well-wishing neighbors, endure whispers behind her back and humiliating conversations in society.

Let's figure out the difference between cohabitation and official marriage. In a so-called civil marriage, both partners are not responsible to each other and have the right to leave the relationship at any time.

Such open relationships are convenient for a man, but, as a rule, they are costly for a woman, because we have different priorities. A woman needs the level of security and stability that a permanent partner provides. And in a “civil marriage” there are no guarantees that tomorrow the man will not pack his things and leave her life forever or ask her to make room in his apartment. After all, he did not make any solemn promises in front of witnesses, as is customary in an official ceremony, and did not swear allegiance, and, therefore, he is pure in the eyes of society.

A woman almost always wants to marry the man she lives with. But she often agrees to cohabitation, hoping that one day her chosen one will propose to her.

Why is a man usually in no hurry to put a stamp in his passport? There may be the following reasons for this.
1. He does not perceive a particular woman as the only one for whom he is ready to take responsibility, and does not want to start a family with her.
AND/OR
2. He had a negative experience from a previous marriage, from which he had a hard time getting out (the woman he loved betrayed him, they sawed off his property for a long time and painfully, etc.).
AND/OR
3. He has different priorities - he has his own main task in life (for example, to prove to his mother or another significant woman that he has succeeded). In this case, he does not realize the value of creating his own family. Such a man, often without realizing it, puts his whole life into proving something to someone. He doesn't have his own life - he lives someone else's.

In this case, the woman agrees to cohabitation also for two main reasons.

1. She understands that she feels good with this man and is ready to be with him on any terms.
OR
2. She bends and makes concessions, deep down hoping that over time he “will not go anywhere, will fall in love and get married.”

The second option for a woman is initially a losing one. When one of the partners enters a relationship with the intention of re-educating the other or getting something from him, he is almost always left with nothing.

A classic of the genre, when a man insists on cohabitation, understanding, but not saying, that this particular woman in his life is a temporary phenomenon. And the woman agrees, secretly hoping that one day everything will change. They converge, but their tasks are completely different. Her goal is to eventually create a family with him and have children, and his goal is to live with her until he meets “the one.” And as soon as his not so accessible ideal looms on the horizon, he will offer her his hand, his heart, and his apartment. And the one who lived with him will say: “I didn’t promise you anything. You yourself agreed.” And, alas, he will be right.

And if the partner turns out to be pregnant, then the man can quite reasonably say that he did not order the child and, in general, who said that the child is his.

Therefore, before agreeing to cohabitation, a woman should answer the following questions.

1. Is she ready for the fact that her children, along with a dash in the “father” column, can receive a lifelong “fatherless” status in society?
2. Is she ready to give a man her time and love in exchange for the emotional wound that he can inflict on her at any moment by leaving?
3. Does she understand that such a breakup could greatly affect her self-esteem and future relationships?

It is important for a woman to hear her man, to understand the true reasons for his unwillingness to register a relationship. And, based on this understanding, make your choice.

UPD. Let's admit it to ourselves: we live in a society where marriage gives a woman a respected status, and “being a wench” (cohabitation) is a minus for her reputation.

UPD 2. If both people are happy, then it is no one’s business whether they are officially married or just living together. My post is about the hidden intentions of both parties, which is often found in so-called civil marriages and then leads to mutual grievances and claims.

This is not an attempt to blame anyone, but perhaps just a call to think.

I hear and respect other points of view.
But I remain unconvinced.

Unmarried girls always ask the same question (and many do not ask, but immediately start running through the rake): “If he is not my husband, should I still do the same thing you write about for wives?”

It’s still logical - we live together, which means it’s like a husband. Or even just meeting, but I’m for him! I will serve with all my might, wash his socks and cook him breakfast, lunch and dinner, feed him with energy, inspire...

But my answer is: NO! No way! Absolutely not! A cohabitant is a “sort of” husband. It doesn't count anyway. The groom is a completely different category of man. This is not a husband yet.

If relationships are not particularly dear to you, if you don’t really love yourself or don’t want to get married, try it, follow all the recommendations for wives. But the effect may be - with a high probability - the opposite. The man will become insolent, and the relationship will begin to collapse. Because there is no balance in them, no harmony.

Balance of Responsibility

Responsibilities are the areas of responsibility of a man and a woman in family life. And in order for the relationship and psyche of the spouses not to be destroyed, they must be in or at least close to it. If you start giving a man what is supposed to be given to a husband, this very balance is upset.

To a greater extent, I would now like to address those who are thinking about living first, and then we’ll see. It is at this phase that the relationship is easier to “cure.” I would like to talk separately with those who are already confused within this event.

And also someone who is not afraid to exchange vows even in a temple without the right to divorce. This is the husband. A real husband who deserves to become his wife. And fulfill your duty as a woman, feed him with your energy, his children.

The one you live with, date, etc. is not your husband. Maximum - groom. The minimum is an irresponsible comrade who wants to take advantage of a woman, but is afraid of responsibility (of course, there is your “merit” here too). Or something in between.

Here it is worth looking at yourself again and thinking, why did you find yourself in this situation? And how can you get out of it? As Satya says: “Civil marriage (that is, cohabitation) is a union of a woman with low self-esteem and a man with low responsibility.” Therefore, it is worth understanding two things:

• He is not your husband. Don't be in illusion. He did not take responsibility for you. And besides, men living with a woman often consider themselves free. This means you can’t give it to him as a husband. Here you need to very subtly look at your relationship under a microscope in order to decide for yourself what you are not ready to give to him and should not.
• How is your self-esteem? And why do you allow this (cohabitation)? Why did you decide that this is possible with you?

And the self-esteem of girls from common-law marriages is usually bad. They have a lot of fears and worries.

• They have already become attached to the man, especially if they have already had sex. Breaking up with him is already a huge pain. Therefore, they want to avoid pain. By any means. And even if things aren’t going well with him, they endure and hope.
• They are afraid of no one else and will never meet. And remain alone for the rest of your life.
• They are easily influenced by men because of their gullibility, not knowing how to answer questions like “we’re already fine, why do we need a stamp?” Not knowing the answer, they agree and pretend that they really feel so good.
• And yes, they themselves don’t know why they need a stamp, and they are afraid of marriage like fire due to their traumas.

Girls, I want you to understand one thing. You are not just some kind of “aunt”. You are a woman. You are a jewel. The Vedas say that a wife is her husband’s main treasure. You are a treasure, not some trash. Agreeing to cohabitation is like wrapping a diamond in trash and pretending that everything is fine. But not okay! A diamond needs a worthy setting - from an equally precious metal. Then everything will be in its place.

You have to pay for everything in the world. Not always with money, but more often with actions.

Living with a woman without taking responsibility for her is unmanly. And agreeing to this is not feminine.

For a man, it’s like robbing a bank, taking someone else’s property without asking and using it. For a woman, it’s the same as giving away everything that’s most precious and necessary to the first person you meet, just like that, and then covering up for the criminal. That is, complicity in a crime.

Fulfilling a woman's duty to someone who didn't even marry you is stupid. This is the same as starting a business with a friend without papers, investing a lot of money and effort into it, and then hoping that you won’t get scammed in this place and the friendship won’t be destroyed. Of course, there are such examples, but they are negligible. When a person has the opportunity to gain personal benefit, but his conscience is poorly developed, he will choose profit over relationships. A man with a developed conscience would not even suggest this.

All relationships go through crises and adjustments. If there is nothing binding you at this time - there are no obligations and vows - it is so easy to run away to another place where the grass seems greener.

If you fulfill your wife's duty to someone who did not take responsibility for you, you are digging your own grave:

• you are corrupting a man. Why be responsible if you already give everything? And the less responsibility a man has, the less masculine he becomes.
• you are driving him into debt, and one day the debt will become so huge that he will have to leave.
• you are wasting your own piety, which is very necessary in order to get married.
• you are rapidly reducing your own chances of marrying this man. He simply has no reason to marry you.
• you are wasting your own time and energy, your beauty and youth in vain, throwing away your strength and potential.
• you are attached to a man, after a year of cohabitation he becomes your “husband” in terms of energy connections, so the breakup will be painful.
• you don’t give the world a chance to give you a normal relationship - in this case, another man will not be able to penetrate your world in any way, and the existing man may be stuck in the status of a kind of husband for years and decades.

Don't do this! When I conducted various courses online for girls, we only took those who were already married to the course for wives. And they even checked their official status and rejected many. Although they thought that civil marriage was the same thing, it was not. Far from it.

Such cohabitation is a mine that will definitely explode, it is not clear when and how. There are cases where it all ended well - with family, children. But they are a minority. Unfortunately. There are many more cases when a woman’s heart is broken, a woman is left alone with nothing (and also with a child), having wasted her youth in an unknown place, or she somehow got married, but the deep resentment remains, and living together is unbearably difficult.

If you're dating a man, don't be in a rush to be his wife. Enjoy being a bride. Accept advances. Make a decision whether you want this kind of life or not. Chat, go for walks. You can treat him sometimes with your pies, but you are not obliged to feed him three times a day and wash his socks. Moreover, there will never be a second such period in your life. There will be other pleasant moments, but this one, the candy-bouquet one, is special. This is what you will remember in times of crisis.

When a man pursues a woman and courts her, he thereby learns to appreciate her. The longer and more difficult the test, the more difficult it is for him to abandon it later. She was too dear to him to take and leave.

When a man pursues a woman, a special feeling appears inside her - I am worthy of this, I can be loved! She is filled with gratitude towards him. And the memory of this helps her.

The courtship stage is very important for both. If you fly through it at high speed and immediately start living together, you will lose a lot. Both.

Therefore, there is no need to become a wife before you officially become one. Be a bride. Take care of him, but not as a wife, but as a bride. Accept advances. Get to know each other better to understand whether you are ready to live your whole life with him.

Our reader Irina tells. Moscow

Like all girls, I dreamed of a wedding and a happy family life. I have always been opposed to simple cohabitation between a man and a woman without a stamp in the passport. But when Vadim suggested living together, my brain was so clouded by love and adoration that I agreed to cohabitate, forgetting about all the disadvantages of this situation.

For the first time I heard the word “cohabitant” addressed to me in a contemptuous tone from Vadim’s grandmother: she is a believer, for her my life with her grandson looked like fornication. Then for the first time I thought about why my man didn’t ask me to marry me, but simply lived with me. It was unpleasant, but somehow I survived.

Then a feast with friends became a slap in the face when my man declared in front of everyone that I was not his wife and he was a free bird. It was painful and humiliating to the point of tears! All the disadvantages of a civil marriage became apparent. Then I would have left Vadim and lived my own life, since no one asked him to marry me, but I couldn’t, I was tied to him like a puppy.

And then a pregnancy happened, for which he was not ready. He began to reproach him for wanting to tie him to me in this way. Then it dawned on me! I understood why my boyfriend doesn’t ask me to marry him - he just doesn’t love me. Then it got to the point of absurdity, Vadim shouted that this was not his child at all.

I returned to my mother. And now I understand: a house cannot be built on a sand foundation. Moreover, I am still reaping the fruits of the “disadvantages” of a civil marriage for a woman: the child grows up without a father, I am a single mother. I hear constant questions and advice: “Were you registered?”, “Who are you to him then?”, “Do a genetic examination and apply for alimony.” And all this might not have happened if I had immediately known all the disadvantages of cohabiting with a man before marriage!

Before becoming a roommate or cohabitant, think about the disadvantages of this idea: maybe you deserve better? Do you deserve to bear the title of husband or wife, to build a strong house, not a castle on the sand?! After all, we don’t live nine lives, but only one.

Not every man understands that by offering cohabitation, he puts his woman in an ambiguous position, when she has to justify herself to her parents, curious relatives, married girlfriends, willing neighbors, endure whispers behind her back and humiliating conversations in society. The currently fashionable open relationship between a man and a woman is convenient only for the man, but is costly for the woman, because the priorities are different. A woman needs the level of security and stability that a permanent partner provides, and cohabitation carries only disadvantages.

The purpose of a woman in a civil marriage- in the future, start a family with him and have children.

The goal of a man in a civil marriage- live with her until the “one” meets.

Why doesn't a guy ask for marriage, but proposes cohabitation?

1. He does not perceive a specific woman as someone for whom he is ready to take responsibility, and does not want to build a family with her.
2. He had a negative experience of marriage, from which he had a hard time getting out of it: the woman he loved betrayed him, they divided their property for a long time and painfully, etc.
3. A man has different priorities. For example, to prove to your mother or other significant woman that you have succeeded. In this case, he does not realize the value of creating his own family.

Why does a woman agree to cohabitation?

1. This gives the illusion that she is not alone and increases her own status and self-esteem in her own eyes. Like, it’s okay that she’s not married, but she’s also with a man.
2. She bends and makes concessions, accepting all the disadvantages of a civil marriage, deep down hoping that over time the man “will not go anywhere, fall in love and get married.” This option is initially a losing proposition for a woman. When one of the partners enters into a relationship with the intention of getting something from the other, they are almost always left with nothing.

Before agreeing to cohabitation, you should ask yourself three questions:

1. Are you ready for the fact that possible children, along with a dash in the “father” column, may receive the status of “fatherless” in society?
2. Do you agree to spend your time and feelings on a man in exchange for the mental wound that he can inflict at any moment by leaving?
3. Do you understand that such a breakup can greatly affect self-esteem and future relationships?

Let's admit to ourselves: we live in a society where marriage still gives a woman a respected status, and the status of “neither a girl nor married” is a minus for her reputation.

Civil marriage: advantages from the point of view of psychologist No. 2

- A stamp in a passport does not change anything if the relationship was initially built on the basis of mutual respect, understanding and trust. For most people, legal marriage is a reason for mutual claims, reproaches and accusations. In many ways, these are consequences of social stereotypes: “But the husband must,” “But the wife must.” Cohabitation also has its advantages. Understand correctly and not literally: no one ever owes anyone anything. Harmonious and healthy relationships are possible when we give and receive without expecting anything in return. Civil marriage is normal. And this applies to any relationship, no matter whether it is registered in the registry office or not.

Our reader's opinion

The crazy term “civil marriage” - living of different sexes in the same territory with exclusive sex - was probably invented by women. I desperately want to get married, but they won’t marry me. You have to get out of it, just not to admit: “I am a banal cohabitant, mistress, anyone, but not a wife.” Women console themselves with the fact that they are married in five minutes, so they rush to cook meat pies for their partner, put their salaries in a common box, and pay off his mortgage and loans. In a word, they build a social unit and spend their precious time on men who are not ready to call them official wives, while they proudly call them husbands.

In order to charm the teeth of those around them, the stronger sex echoes them: “Darling, we are already married, just without a stamp in the passport. What are we having for dinner? Cohabitation with a woman without marriage is extremely convenient for a man. He receives all the bonuses of family life, but does not bear legal responsibility. Cohabitation ends at his request in a matter of minutes.

When your partner says that he is afraid of a stamp in his passport, ask him how much he felt sick when the registration stamp was put in his passport? Most likely, he simply does not want to marry you. Therefore, you shouldn’t ask yourself the question: why doesn’t the guy ask you to get married? Everything is very clear - he doesn’t love you!

In the end, his mother is unlikely to pester him: “You are already 30, and no one takes you as a husband.” You can walk around for years and hope that such a man will someday propose. In five years, you can fall on your knee in front of him, hold out the ring and say: “Marry me.” You can persuade yourself “I’m fine with him anyway” and subsequently begin to hate “bureaucracy” and “stamps in my passport.” But if you still don’t know why your man doesn’t ask you to marry, and he, in turn, “doesn’t moo, doesn’t calve” - rest assured, he’s fooling you. Today, an old maid is not a virgin. This is a woman who lived with one for 3 years, with the other for 5. Her fortieth birthday - and she is still not married.