There is no respect in the relationship. Respect in family relationships

If for women the concept of “respect” lies in the emotional sphere, then for men it has a more practical meaning.

My wife doesn't respect me! I have lost respect for my husband! Respect for each other has disappeared in our relationship...- family psychologists hear such complaints every day.

If you ask any person what they would like from relationships with other people, I am sure that most often you will hear the word "respect".

What is respect and why is it needed?

The need for respect is a top priority for most people.. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, age or gender, we are very sensitive when it comes to respect.

Why? What does respect give us?

To answer this question, let's try to define respect. It is quite difficult to give a simple and understandable definition right away, so let’s try to construct this definition.

1. Respect is the attitude of one person(groups of people) to another person(to a group of people)

2. This relationship is based on mutual recognition of the individual merits of each of these people(groups of people).

3. Recognition of the priority of their safety and non-harm: physical, psychological and moral.

4. Recognition of their fundamental rights to freedom, expression, religion, etc.

As can be seen from our definition, respect is a whole complex of concepts that affects, oddly enough, our instinct of self-preservation!

Now it becomes clear why in personal relationships the problem of loss / restoration of respect becomes one of the central ones.

In order to understand what respect gives us, let's look at the diagram:

As can be seen from the diagram, for men (highlighted in blue) and for women (highlighted in red), the priority qualities in the concept of “respect” are different things.

If for women the concept of “respect” lies in the emotional sphere, then for men it has a more practical meaning. Understanding these differences becomes especially important when we try to analyze what behaviors and actions inevitably lead to a loss of respect for him or her.

Before talking about the reasons for the disappearance of respect in relationships, let's think about how this concept is formed in a person in principle.

In order for a person to be able to respect others, he must have an appropriate upbringing based on mutual respect between men and women, children for parents, parents for children, as well as for other people. And one more important addition - this a person must respect himself!

There is a very close connection between self-esteem and the respect of others. Surely many people know the axiom that it is impossible to achieve respect from others without respecting yourself. It is believed that a person’s self-esteem is divided into two components:

emotional- how I view myself from the perspective of “good and evil”, my assessment of myself as a “good” or “bad” person, and

rational- an indicator of my competence, professionalism, success. Note that both components that form self-esteem in men and women are different.

Let's look at the picture:

From the figure it becomes clear that we call respectful an attitude towards us that strengthens or, at a minimum, maintains our self-esteem.

Accordingly, I will regard “unfriendly” behavior that questions my competence or my assessment of myself as disrespectful. In relationships between a man and a woman, respect is closely related to gender-role behavior, or more precisely, to the expectation of certain behavior.

Let's look at a simple example.

A man and a woman are driving in a car. We stopped.

The man got out of the car, opened the door on the woman's side and helped her out of the car.

The man showed respect for the lady (helped her get out of the car), the woman showed respect for the man by waiting for him to come up to help her out, thanking him, thereby showing that she was confident in his good manners.

Respect breeds respect.

Unfortunately, manifestations of disrespect begin with “little things”, the most typical of which are: lack of elementary gratitude at the thank you level,” inattention, failure to fulfill one’s promises, raising one’s voice.

Of course, some will react to this, and some will not. Are you sure you know the saying that “small lies breed great mistrust”? The same can be said about respect - Small acts of disrespect grow into big problems over time..

Signs of chronic disrespect in men and women are presented in the following figure:

It is important to note that respect is lost not only when such behavior is shown directly to this person, but also to his relatives, friends or colleagues.

My husband doesn't respect my mother! My wife doesn't respect my friends!

From time to time, at a reception, I hear one or another client talk about the loss of respect for his wife/husband because of her/his disrespectful attitude towards relatives or friends.

Indeed, we often associate ourselves with people close to us and tend to take into account what is not always directed directly at us.

Why is this happening?

Belonging to a group (and family, friends, colleagues are a group) gives us an additional feeling of security and comfort, so disrespect for this “our” group automatically extends to us. In disconnected families, where there are no close emotional connections, this does not happen.

There are a number of behaviors that almost always cause long-term(if not final) loss of respect.

They are well known: betrayal (treason), humiliation, insult, lies, violence.

Regardless of gender, a person who encounters such manifestations on the part of a partner instantly loses respect for him. It is extremely difficult to restore respect after such actions. This is due to the fact that each of these actions deeply wounds the self-esteem of the victim and causes him pain. Pain and respect are incompatible.

The peculiarity of respect is that earning it is much more difficult than losing it. In this sense, respect as a concept is close to trust.

What to do if you feel a loss of respect for yourself from your loved ones?

Here's a simple step-by-step guide that can help you regain lost respect.

1. Look at yourself.

Analyze your behavior as “possibly wrong” towards the person. Maybe you violated his “boundaries”, doubted his value, or simply offended him...

Not everyone is able to openly and immediately declare an incorrect attitude towards themselves. Unexpressed grievances do not go away.

Having admitted the wrongness of your behavior, do not rush to immediately ask for forgiveness, but rather try to understand why (?) you did this.

Without understanding the motives for your behavior, you risk repeating it in the future. The next stage of your analysis will be to find another way of acting that will not be perceived by your partner as disrespectful.

2. Start a dialogue.

Tell your partner how important his respectful attitude is to you and how you feel when such respect is not given. Don't make excuses or shift the blame from yourself to him.

Admit your mistakes by simply listing them. Recognize a person’s right to be offended by you and change their attitude towards you.

3. Ask for forgiveness.

It is forgiveness, not apology.

Not many people know that there are big differences between these two terms.

Apology is a more formal, secular term. Its essence boils down to asking to take the apologetic person out of the “state of guilt.” Forgiveness is a more personal, if not intimate, term - its essence is a request to accept repentance.

4. Take action.

Regardless of whether you have been forgiven or not, your awareness of your mistakes must be transformed into new attitudes and actions.

Remember that you first need to regain your respect for yourself and you are on the right track. published If you have any questions about this topic, ask them to the experts and readers of our project

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet

My wife doesn't respect me! I have lost respect for my husband! Respect for each other has disappeared in our relationship... - a family psychologist hears such complaints every day. If you ask any person what they would like from relationships with other people, I am sure that most often you will hear the word "respect". The need for respect is a top priority for most people. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, age or gender, we are very sensitive when it comes to respect. Why? What does respect give us? To answer this question, let's try to define respect. It is quite difficult to give a simple and understandable definition right away, so let’s try to construct this definition.

1. Respect is the attitude of one person (group of people) towards another person (group of people)

2. This relationship is based on mutual recognition of the individual merits of each of these people (groups of people)

3. Recognition of the priority of their safety and non-infliction of harm: physical, psychological and moral

4. Recognition of their fundamental rights to freedom, expression, religion, etc.

As can be seen from our definition, respect is a whole complex of concepts that, strange as it may seem, affects our instinct of self-preservation! Now it becomes clear why in personal relationships the problem of loss / restoration of respect becomes one of the central ones. In order to understand what respect gives us, let's look at the diagram:

As can be seen from the diagram, for men (highlighted in blue) and for women (highlighted in red), the priority qualities in the concept of “respect” are different things. If for women the concept of “respect” lies in the emotional sphere, then for men it has a more practical meaning. Understanding these differences becomes especially important when we try to analyze what behavior and actions inevitably lead to a loss of respect for him or her. Before talking about the reasons for the disappearance of respect in relationships, let's think about how this concept is formed in a person in principle.

In order for a person to be able to respect others, he must have an appropriate upbringing based on mutual respect between men and women, children for parents, parents for children, as well as for other people. And one more important addition - this person must respect himself!

There is a very close connection between self-esteem and the respect of others. Surely many people know the axiom that it is impossible to achieve respect from others without respecting yourself. It is believed that a person’s self-esteem is divided into two components:

• emotional - how I relate to myself from the perspective of “good and evil”, my assessment of myself as a “good” or “bad” person, and
• rational - an indicator of my competence, professionalism, success. Note that both components that form self-esteem in men and women are different.

Let's look at the picture:

From the figure it becomes clear that we call respectful an attitude towards us that strengthens or, at a minimum, maintains our self-esteem.

Accordingly, I will regard “unfriendly” behavior that questions my competence or my assessment of myself as disrespectful. In relationships between a man and a woman, respect is closely related to gender-role behavior, or more precisely, to the expectation of certain behavior.

Let's look at a simple example. A man and a woman are driving in a car. We stopped. The man got out of the car, opened the door on the woman's side and helped her out of the car. The man showed respect for the lady (helped her get out of the car), the woman showed respect for the man by waiting for him to come up to help her out, thanking him, thereby showing that she was confident in his good manners. Respect breeds respect.

Unfortunately, manifestations of disrespect begin with “little things”, the most typical of which are: lack of elementary gratitude at the level of “thank you”, inattention, failure to fulfill one’s promises, raising one’s voice. Of course, someone will react to this, and someone will not Are you sure you know the saying that “small lies breed great distrust”? The same can be said about respect - small manifestations of disrespect develop into big problems over time. Signs of chronic disrespect in men and women are shown in the following figure:

more typical for men

more typical for women

It is important to note that respect is lost not only when such behavior is shown directly to this person, but also to his relatives, friends or colleagues. My husband doesn't respect my mother! My wife doesn't respect my friends! From time to time, at a reception, I hear one or another client talk about the loss of respect for his wife/husband because of her/his disrespectful attitude towards relatives or friends. Indeed, we often associate ourselves with people close to us and tend to take into account what is not always directed directly at us. Why is this happening?

• Belonging to a group (and family, friends, colleagues are a group) gives us an additional feeling of security and comfort, so disrespect for this “our” group automatically extends to us. In disconnected families, where there are no close emotional connections, this does not happen.

There are a number of behaviors that almost always cause long-term (if not permanent) loss of respect. They are well known: betrayal (treason), humiliation, insult, lies, violence.

Regardless of gender, a person who encounters such manifestations on the part of a partner instantly loses respect for him. It is extremely difficult to restore respect after such actions. This is due to the fact that each of these actions deeply wounds the self-esteem of the victim and causes him pain. Pain and respect are incompatible.

The peculiarity of respect is that earning it is much more difficult than losing it. In this sense, respect as a concept is close to trust.

What to do if you feel a loss of respect for yourself from your loved ones? Here's a simple step-by-step guide that can help you regain lost respect.

1. Look at yourself.

Analyze your behavior as “possibly wrong” towards the person. Maybe you violated his “boundaries”, doubted his value, or simply offended him... Not everyone is able to openly and immediately declare an incorrect attitude towards themselves. Unexpressed grievances do not go away. Having admitted the wrongness of your behavior, do not rush to immediately ask for forgiveness, but rather try to understand why (?) you did this. Without understanding the motives for your behavior, you risk repeating it in the future. The next stage of your analysis will be to find another way of acting that will not be perceived by your partner as disrespectful.

2. Start a dialogue.

Tell your partner how important their respectful attitude is to you and what it feels like when they don't. Don't make excuses or shift the blame from yourself to him. Admit your mistakes by simply listing them. Recognize a person’s right to be offended by you and change their attitude towards you.

3. Ask for forgiveness.

It is forgiveness, not apology. Not many people know that there are big differences between these two terms. Apology is a more formal, secular term. Its essence boils down to asking to take the apologetic person out of the “state of guilt.” Forgiveness is a more personal, if not intimate, term - its essence is a request to accept repentance.

4. Take action.

Regardless of whether you have been forgiven or not, your awareness of your mistakes must be transformed into new attitudes and actions. Remember that you first need to regain your respect for yourself and you are on the right track.

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Respect for needs and desires

A need is a need for something very good for oneself. The need for external goods. Every person needs food, safety, rest, communication, acceptance, love. Needs are always good and natural. There is no shame in needing support, for example. Or in recognition. To feel good and needed. And to be in silence and solitude.

Needs cannot be assessed critically; you cannot assume that the other person (or you) have them “wrong” or stupid. They are always correct! And you need to treat them with attention and care. Because fulfilled needs create overall life satisfaction and a sense of happiness.

I'm very tired, I need half an hour to rest.

What is your answer to this?

What was there to be tired of? I didn’t load bags!

This phrase has no respect for the other person's needs.

Of course, rest, you need to recover.

And this one has it. Now about desires.

With your weight, where else can you get pizza?

People who respect each other will never take a position of “above” in communication. Respect is first and foremost a recognition that your worth as a human being is equal.

I really want pizza with bacon! - And I want ice cream! Even though it is very harmful. Well, shall we go to great lengths or show willpower? - this is what a conversation looks like between two people who place themselves neither higher nor lower than the other.

Respect for differences

Your life together will be the more comfortable and happy the better you can see and take into account what kind of person is next to you, what his mental properties and character traits are, what he is capable of, and what his limitations are.

I can’t do/solve this so quickly, I need more time!

You're always slow! We need to think faster!

Okay, I'll wait until you're done. And tell me if I can help you with anything? - a calm and respectful phrase in which there is no confrontation, but an offer of cooperation.

Respect for feelings and experiences

We are all living people, not robots. Sometimes something really upsets us, makes us angry, makes us angry.

I get really upset when you say things like that...

How gentle we are! Does it really hurt your eyes?

I regret. This whole situation really upsets me too.

This is how you show: I recognize your feelings, you and I are in the same boat. And no cracks appear in your relationship.

Respect for interests and tastes

Examples of disrespect:

Instead of going fishing (picking flowers), it would be better to read some smart book!

Only narrow-minded women watch such series.

How can you even eat this? Looks terrible!

The tastes and range of interests of any person are personal territory, completely inviolable for others (even those closest to them). If you don't like the fact that your loved one pays too much attention to his passions, this can and should be discussed. But to criticize and ridicule his hobbies “in general” is a blow below the belt and absolutely unacceptable things in a respectful relationship.

Respect for values

Values ​​are what is of great importance to us, what we sacredly believe in, what we stand on. This is our attitude towards fundamental things in life, our ideas about acceptable behavior, our internal obligations to ourselves.

I know I need to help your parents. But I also want to go to the sea. Let's think about how we can combine this so that everyone is happy.

By acknowledging your partner's values, you can expect that he will also be sensitive to what is dear to you.

Respect for point of view/vision/picture of the world

Only people who are behind the times can talk like that!

You don’t understand anything and you haven’t smelled life.

Is it nice to hear that in a conversation when you express your point of view? Of course it's unpleasant. It's unpleasant for anyone. How can you respectfully express your vision, which is different from the vision of another? Very simply - with the words “I have a different opinion” (followed by an opinion starting with the words “I believe that”, “I believe that”, “my experience suggests that”) or “I disagree / I don’t agree.”

Respect for plans and aspirations

Are you out of your mind? Spend so much time and money on this! You don't need it!

“You have no right to your own development and your own life, I will decide what you do and what is good for you,” this phrase seems to say. Here the partner is perceived not as a separate person with his own free will and the right to dispose of himself, but as the property of another.

I want to get a second education.

I'm not sure if now is the right time for this, but if this is your decision, I will support it.

You don’t have to enthusiastically accept all your spouse’s intentions; you may doubt their feasibility and prospects. But in any case, your loved one is an adult, and he is capable of making life choices and being responsible for them.

Respect for your social circle

What can you have in common with these strange individuals with whom you communicate? They are not worth your time!

Your social circle, like tastes, like your range of interests, like your outlook on life, is yours personally. No one can invade this zone with their opinion and advice if this advice has not been asked. We make friends, communicate with someone because we are interested in them, we are connected by some kind of our own, unique story and emotional attachment. Respecting these stories and emotional attachments of your loved one means respecting him and his personal space.

You need to think about creating harmony in marriage in advance, because the idea of ​​compatibility of partners appears within a short period of time after the start of the relationship. Before legitimizing a union, it is important to realize your own readiness for living together, which involves many tests and checks on the authenticity of feelings. Ultimately, a man’s respect for a woman should be manifested in the following components of a love relationship:

recognition of self-sufficiency and other personal qualities in the spouse;
lust of the chosen one, accompanied by compliments about the sexuality and appearance of the beloved;
absence in the relationship of assault and insults that belittle a woman’s self-esteem;
gratitude for caring for children and work within the framework of everyday life;
respect for the opinion of the spouse, whose voice plays an important role in making family decisions;
sympathy and moral support for the chosen one in difficult moments of life;
satisfying the sexual needs of the spouse.

A man must learn to perceive a girl’s opinion, guiding his chosen one in the right direction if necessary. Without mutual understanding, it will not be possible to achieve respect, so dominant “males” will have to compromise with their own preferences and principles. Sincere love and the ability to listen to your wife will not allow this. The main thing is to really want to establish a connection with your partner, preventing conflicts and stressful situations from arising in the family. Otherwise, the result of mutual grievances will be “screaming” loneliness, which causes serious mental disorders.

Features of a woman's respect for a man

If in Eastern religions women unquestioningly fulfill the wishes and whims of a man, then European standards are accompanied by democracy in relationships. Often girls show leadership qualities, trying to take a dominant position in a love union. Such a combination of circumstances does not satisfy the needs of a man, so conflicts are inevitable. Quarrels appear if a woman does not support the guy, arguing the chosen one’s mistakes with criticism. To prevent discord in marriage, a girl should have respect for a man, which is manifested in the following aspects of life:

recognition of the authority and dominant status of the partner;
trust, accompanied by support in making life-changing decisions by the husband;
satisfaction with the physical and sexual strength of the chosen one (you need to criticize your partner, if necessary, in the form of wishes);
respect for the mental abilities and talents of the spouse;
recognition of the self-sufficiency and spiritual viability of the beloved;
support in stressful situations and moments of despair;
accepting your husband’s hobbies and hobbies, which are especially difficult for guys to give up;
absence of arrogant phrases and raised tones in dialogue;
respect for the spouse's work activities and friends, who are an integral part of his daily life.

– irreplaceable personal characteristics, but exhibiting such qualities is fraught with the emergence of conflict situations. It is important for women to learn to listen and hear their chosen one in order to avoid misunderstandings. Recognition of a man's talents and moral support in difficult situations allows a girl to create a cozy and favorable atmosphere in the family.

In order to prevent the emergence of misunderstandings in family relationships, it is important to jointly create the right atmosphere in the house. People living in the same territory have to put up with the bad habits of other cohabitants. In an attempt to achieve mutual understanding accompanied by respect, regardless of the rank of the couple - a long-term marriage union or a budding family, adhere to the following recommendations:

Don’t be afraid to sort things out, preferring constructive dialogues to uncontrolled aggression. Psychologists advise married couples to have competent quarrels, explaining the need for conflicts as an opportunity to throw out negative energy and get rid of. After a meaningful conversation, spouses have a chance to take their marriage to a new level by jointly solving pressing problems.
Self-esteem is an integral part of a person’s personal appearance, so pay special attention. People around you will not take your opinion into account if you are not confident in your own abilities. Only by cultivating self-sufficiency within can you count on respect from your household.
To save a relationship, you need to learn to put up with the bad habits of other family members. Do not forget that before marriage you were raised and lived in different conditions, so living together in the same territory will be accompanied at first by a number of misunderstandings. In the current situation, it is important to come to your senses in time and find compromise solutions that suit all household members.
Appreciate the work and efforts of loved ones by expressing gratitude with a kind word or an unexpected surprise. The man tirelessly earns money for the family, the woman looks after the household and keeps the house clean, and the child diligently learns the school curriculum - each person plays his own role, which is accompanied by characteristic difficulties. The efforts of all family members must be respected.
Sincere compliments and encouragement are powerful arguments in winning the favor of household members. By building a relationship model based on affection and care, it is easier to avoid conflict situations and eliminate the risk of accumulating grievances in the soul.

Relationships with a child are a separate component of the family institution, in which respect must always be present. With the right upbringing model, parents present their child with an example of respectful behavior in society. The child's subconscious projects communication between adults onto his own life, so psychologists do not recommend swearing in a raised voice in front of the offspring, stooping to insults. Parents must become authorities for the child, whose opinions must be taken into account. In the current situation, it is important to be guided by the general model of education, periodically encouraging the preferences and wishes of the child. In an attempt to earn the respect of your son or daughter, you should not deprive them of their childhood by regularly criticizing and punishing them. The main thing is to adhere to common views that unite family members into one whole.

Respect in the family should be manifested in everyday things, indicating the presence of mutual understanding between household members. Help in everyday affairs or moral support in difficult times, joint search for a compromise solution or a noble act for the sake of a loved one - we can show our own attitude towards others in various ways. The main thing is to take into account the opinions and preferences of the people with whom we have to share joy and experience grief.

Respect plays an important role in a relationship because without it, various problems will arise. In couples, this feeling either increases or disappears, which ultimately becomes the reason for separation. First of all, respect is manifested in accepting your loved one for who she is. There are people who believe that respect must be earned, while for others a similar feeling arises initially when meeting people.

The meaning of love and respect in the family

In the modern world, many couples are based on the equality of men and women. Each partner respects each other’s desires and dreams, which allows them to create strong relationships.

Respect for a man in a family is expressed in the fact that a woman recognizes:

• the authority of the loved one and he is considered the “head of the family”;
• intelligence, virtues and talent;
• physical and sexual strength;
• his achievements and is proud of his merits;
• interests and encourages hobbies.

When a woman respects her partner, she trusts his decisions and considers herself “behind a stone wall.” At the same time, the wife respects the man’s personal space. In many families, traditions arise that indicate respect, for example, a woman greets her lover from work with a kiss and a hot dinner.