Psychology of family relations of wife and husband. Crises of family life by years

There is nothing surprising in the fact that the happiness of a full-fledged family in our time has become the lot of a few. The science of building a family is forgotten. It's like with ancient crafts. For example, the Aztec tribes once knew how to build walls from huge stones. Now no one can lift such stones with anything, therefore no one manages to build such walls. The rules for building a family are also forgotten.

The difference between a family and ancient crafts is that a stone wall can be replaced with a concrete one. Though not so long, but it will serve. But there is nothing to replace the family. Few can be happy being alone. Other forms of the union of two people have shown that they are not suitable for a traditional family.

The family has huge advantages over all other forms of arranging love relationships: the ability of all family members to be happy, the ability to keep love indefinitely for a long time, the ability to raise children as full-fledged, harmonious personalities.

Why are we talking about the possibility - because a person is free to destroy any of his work. But at least in the family there is a chance to achieve all these benefits, the highest benefits available to a person. And in such forms of relations as “guest marriage”, “civil marriage”, homosexual “marriage”, the chances are a thousand times less.

To create a family, you need to know how to build it. This is big, serious science. In this chapter, we will consider only some of the fundamental points of the art of building a family.

The main goal of family life

If you ask young people who are not yet married what the purpose of starting a family is, most likely they will answer something like this: “Well, what is the purpose? Two people love each other and want to be together!”

Basically, the answer is good. The only problem is that there is a long distance from “want to be together” to “to be able to be together”. If you start a family with the sole purpose of "being together", a moment that is shown in many films is almost inevitable. He and she lie in the same bed, she sleeps, and he thinks. And now, looking at the body sleeping next to him, he is surprised: “What is this person completely alien to me doing here? Why do I live with him? And can't find answers. That moment may come after ten years of marriage, or sooner, but it will come. The question "WHY?" will rise to its full, enormous height. But it will be too late. This question should have been asked before.

Imagine you have a friend. This person is of interest to you. You invite him to go on a journey with you. If he agrees, naturally, you will set yourself the goal of the trip - among the different places where you can go, you will choose for yourself the one that, in the eyes of the two of you, is attractive.

It happens that people are so good with each other that they are ready to board any plane, ship or train that comes along. And it's wonderful in its own way. But what are the chances that this plane, steamship, or train will take you to as good a place as you can consciously map out? Maybe you will come to some bandit region, where your friend will simply be killed, and you will be left alone? After all, real life, unlike dreamy, is full of dangers.

Family life is also like traveling. How can you go into it without setting any goal? Not only should there be a goal, it must be high enough, significant, so that you can go towards this goal all your life. Otherwise, you will reach this goal after a certain number of years - and automatically your journey together will end. Whether after that you will be able to come up with a new goal and whether this person will agree to go with you on a new journey is another question.

For this reason, another common goal of family life - to give birth and raise children - cannot be the main one either. You will give birth to children, raise them, and as soon as they become adults, your marriage is over. He has fulfilled his function. It can end in divorce or continue to exist like a living corpse... A real family, thanks to the right goal, never becomes a corpse.

The purpose of the journey is absolutely necessary and for another reason. Until you determine the purpose of the trip, you will not understand what qualities your companion should have. If you are traveling, say, for the purpose of a beach holiday, a person with the same talents and skills will suit you. If on a road trip through ancient cities - with others. If you go hiking in the mountains - the third. Otherwise, you will be bored on the beach, while traveling around the cities there will be no one to drive a car, and in the mountains with an unreliable comrade you can even die.

Without knowing what the purpose of family life is, you will not be able to properly assess the prospective partner. How good is he in order to go along with him exactly the path that is planned? “Like” is an absolutely necessary, but far from sufficient quality of the chosen one. How many disappointments, broken lives because of the false belief that in a relationship of love reason is an ugly atavism! On the contrary: without using reason, you cannot save love.

So, what is the purpose of making a family real?

The ultimate goal of the family is love.

Yes, family is a school of love. In a real family, love grows from year to year. Thus, the family is an institution ideally suited for people to achieve their true, only true meaning of life - to achieve perfect love.

As we have already said, according to a number of psychologists, love begins after 10-15 years of married life. Let's not take these figures too seriously, because all people are different, and measuring love is not so easy. The meaning of these figures is that love is achieved in the family, and not immediately.

As Mikhail Prishvin said, “Real life is the life of a person in connection with his loved ones: alone, a person is a criminal, either towards the intellect, or towards the bestial instinct.” Simplifying, a man alone is almost always an egoist. He only has the ability to take care of himself. Living in close contact with other people forces him to think about others, sometimes to give up his own interests for the interests of those who are nearby. And the closest communication is between spouses. We get to know a person very closely, with all his shortcomings, and despite his shortcomings, we try to continue to love him. Moreover, we strive to love him as ourselves and generally overcome the division into “I” and “you”, having learned to think from the position of “we”. To do this, we have to overcome our egoism, our shortcomings.

The ancient sage said: "One does not argue with those who deny the foundations." When spouses have one goal, it is much easier for them to agree with each other: they have a single basis. And what a base! If the measure of all our great and small deeds is whether we act out of love or not, and whether our deed leads to an increase or decrease in love, we act really beautifully and wisely.

When we begin to understand things correctly, we find that the world is whole, beautiful and harmonious: the purpose of the family is fully consistent with the purpose of human life! This means that the family was invented in order to help a person achieve his main goal. God divided people into men and women so that it would be easier for us to love each other.

A family consists of two adults

Only two adult, independent people can form a family. One of the indicators of adulthood is the overcoming of dependence on parents, separation from them.

This is not only about material dependence, but, above all, about psychological. If at least one of the spouses continues to be emotionally dependent on one of the parents, it is not possible to create a full-fledged family. Especially big problems arise for the sons and daughters of single mothers: single mothers often establish a strong, painful bond with their children and do not want to let their child go even when he has already registered his marriage.

Basic functions of the family

To love and be loved is a basic human need. And it is easiest to implement it in the family. But for the well-being of the family, it is necessary that the other needs of the spouses, the fulfillment of which relates to the functions of the family, be realized. The functions of the family, which is quite obvious, include such tasks as the birth and upbringing of children, the satisfaction of the material needs of the family (home, food, clothing), the solution of household tasks (repair, laundry, cleaning, shopping for food, cooking, etc. .), and also, less obviously, communication, emotional support for each other, leisure.

It happens that, while focusing on some of the functions of the family, the spouses lose sight of the rest of the functions. This leads to imbalance and problems. After all, even such a seemingly secondary function of the family as leisure, is of considerable importance, since it helps to replenish the "energy" balance of the family. A family in which everyone is constantly busy with the performance of material and household functions, and perform these functions excellently, but do not relax together, may encounter unexpected problems.

Many Western researchers say that the most important thing to maintain a relationship is communication- the ability of two people to talk heart to heart with each other, sincerely and with confidence to express their feelings and listen carefully to the other. “One of the indicators of a healthy relationship is the emergence of a large number of insignificant phrases that only make sense to spouses,” says Josh McDowell, author of the acclaimed book Secrets of Love. Oddly enough, the cause of adultery on the part of women is often their dissatisfaction with not the physiological side of marriage, but precisely the lack of communication with her husband, insufficient emotional closeness.

emotional support is a type of communication that performs a separate function. We all need emotional support, comfort, approval from time to time. It is generally accepted that only women need a “strong shoulder” of a man, a “stone wall”. In fact, the husband no less needs the psychological support of his wife. But the support that men and women need is somewhat different. This topic is very well and in detail disclosed in the book by John Gray "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus."

The role of sex in family life

In "easy" relationships, sex is just a physiological pleasure caused by the stimulation of erogenous zones.

Sex in a real marriage is an expression of love, a union not only of two bodies, but at some level of souls. The sex of loving people in marriage is spiritually beautiful, it is like a prayer, a prayer of gratitude to God and a prayer for each other. The pleasure of sex in an "easy" relationship is nothing compared to the pleasure of marriage.

But the mere fact of registering a marriage does not guarantee that the couple will fully receive this pleasure. If people before legal marriage “practiced” in irresponsible sex for a long time, and not always with loved ones, they have fixed certain skills, these people are used to the fact that sex is a very definite thing. Will they be able to reorganize themselves internally, discover new heights of this pleasure? The longer they cohabited outside of marriage, the less likely it is.

The unity of loving people is not only a physiological process, but also a spiritual one. Therefore, the role of physiology here is not as great as in premarital "sport". The myth that sexual compatibility is one of the fundamental points for creating a family was not born by sexologists. Experienced and honest sexologists, who are not concerned with proving the importance of their own profession, put sexual compatibility in its proper place. Here is what sexologist Vladimir Fridman says:

“We must not confuse cause with effect. Harmonious sex is a consequence of true love. Loving spouses almost always (in the absence of diseases and the availability of relevant knowledge) can and should achieve harmony in bed.

Moreover, only mutual feelings can keep satisfaction in sex for many years. Love is not a consequence, but the cause (the main condition) of intimate satisfaction. The desire to give rather than receive drives her. And vice versa, “love” born of enchanting sex, most often a short-lived chimera, is one of the main reasons for the destruction of those families where spouses have not learned to give each other real physiological satisfaction.

On the other hand, intimate harmony nourishes love, one who does not understand this can lose everything. The pursuit of orgasm outside of marriage without deep feelings gives rise to sexual dependency, when partners want only to have fun.

Giving, not receiving, is the main slogan of love!

One can argue for a long time about the magnitude of the power of sexual desire given to each. Indeed, there are people with a weak, medium and strong sexual constitution. It’s easier if the needs and opportunities in the family coincide, and if not, only love can help reach a reasonable compromise.”

Saul Gordon, psychologist and director of the Institute for the Study of Family and Education, says that, according to his research, sex ranks only ninth among the ten most important aspects of relationships, far behind such traits as caring, communication, and a sense of humor. Love takes the first place.

American psychologists also calculated that spouses spend less than 0.1% of the time in a state of sexual games. That is less than one thousandth!

Intimacy in family life is a precious expression of love, but not the only expression, and moreover, not the main one. Without a complete match of all physiological parameters, a family can be full-fledged, happy. Without love, no. Therefore, to arrange premarital checks for sexual incompatibility means to lose more for the sake of less. It is natural to desire sex with a loved one before marriage, but truly loving behavior will wait until marriage.

When does a family start?

There are different situations in life ... And yet, for most people, the family begins from the moment of its state registration.

State registration has two useful aspects. First, legal recognition of your marriage. This removes important questions about the paternity of children, jointly acquired property, and inheritance.

The second aspect is perhaps even more important. This is your official, public, oral and written consent to be husband and wife to each other.

We often underestimate the power of the words we speak. We think: "The dog barks - the wind carries." But in fact: "The word is not a sparrow, it will fly out - you won't catch it." And “What is written with a pen cannot be cut down with an axe.”

How, throughout the history of mankind, have people consolidated mutual obligations? A promise, a word, a mutual agreement. The word is a form of expression of thought. Thought, as you know, is material. Thought has power. A promise made even to oneself, especially in writing, is already showing its strength. For example, if you make a promise to yourself not to repeat a certain bad habit, it will be much easier not to repeat it. There will be a barrier before its repetition. And if we do not fulfill the promise, the feeling of guilt will be much stronger.

A solemn, public, oral and written oath of two has great power. There is nothing loud in the words spoken during registration, but if you think about it, these are very serious words.

If, for example, we were asked during registration: “Do you agree, Tatyana, to spend the night with Ivan in the same bed and enjoy it together until you get tired of it”? Then, of course, there would be nothing terrible in this obligation.

But they ask us if we agree to take each other as wives (husbands)! This is a great thing!

Imagine you came to sign up for the sports section. And there they tell you: “We have a serious sports club, we work for the result. We will accept you only if you make a written commitment to take at least third place at the World Championships or the Olympics.” Perhaps you, before signing, think about how hard and long you have to work to achieve such a result.

The obligation to be a wife (husband), and not some ideal person, but this one, alive, with flaws, means in fact that we take on even more work than that which makes people champions. But our reward will be immeasurably more pleasant than the golden round and glory ...

The modern wedding ceremony was composed a hundred years ago by the communists as a replacement for the sacrament of the wedding of the Church they were destroying. And what was in the arsenal of the communists that would correspond to love? Never mind. Therefore, this whole ceremony, its standard phrases really look miserable and sometimes funny. One of my friends was a witness at the wedding. The receptionist says, "Young people, come forward." My friend later told me: “Well, I don’t consider myself old” ... And so the three of us went forward ...

But behind all these funny, stupid or boring moments, you need to see the essence of registering a marriage, which strengthens the strength and determination of loving people to really be together all their lives and puts up barriers to the temptation to betray that may arise in the future.

These barriers are surmountable. But still, they help us to get the better of our weaknesses.

What is a wedding

Couples whose marriage has already been registered by the state are allowed to get married in the Orthodox Church. This is due to the fact that until 1917 the Church also had obligations related to the registration of births, marriages, and deaths. Since now the registration function has been transferred to the registry offices, in order to avoid confusion, in the interests of those who are getting married, the Church asks them for a marriage certificate.

The wedding has that beauty, that grandeur, which state registration is deprived of. But if you want to get married just for the sake of this external beauty, I think it's better not to do it. Perhaps, over time, you will become more aware of what a wedding is, and then you will be able to get married for real, consciously. After all, this is not an external procedure, but something that requires your mental and spiritual participation.

I can hardly reveal even a small part of the significance that a wedding has. I will only mention a few points briefly.

Unlike the state, the Church gives priority to love and marriage. Therefore, the sacrament of marriage is so solemn and majestic. This is indeed a great joy for all the members of the Church present.

Normally, those who get married are virgins. Therefore, the Church honors their feat of abstinence and, as conquerors over their passions, crowns them with royal crowns. Who lives by passions is a slave. Whoever conquers passions is the king of himself and his life. The white dress and veil emphasize the purity of the bride.

But at the same time, the Church understands what a difficult undertaking marriage is. The Church is aware of visible and, most importantly, invisible forces that will seek to destroy this marriage. No wonder the Russian proverb warns: “When going to war, pray; going to the sea, pray twice; if you want to get married, pray three times.” And possessing the power that alone can resist the forces of invisible evil, the Church in the sacrament of marriage gives those who are married God's blessing on their marriage as a force that will strengthen and protect their love. This marriage is truly made in heaven. That is why the wedding is not a rite, but a Sacrament, that is, a mystery and a miracle.

In the words of the prayers read during the wedding, the Church wishes the spouses such great blessings that even the closest relatives will not wish them at the wedding.

The Church believes that marriage is something that goes beyond death. In Paradise, people do not live a married life, but some connection, some closeness between husband and wife can remain there.

To get married, you need to be baptized, believe in God, trust the Church. And great happiness for those who are getting married if they have many believing friends who can pray for them.

What is the difference between the roles of husband and wife in marriage?

Men and women are not naturally the same, so it is natural that the roles of husband and wife in marriage are also different. The world we live in is not chaotic. This world is harmonious and hierarchical, and therefore the family - the most ancient of all human institutions - also lives in accordance with certain laws, a certain hierarchy.

There is a good Russian proverb: “The husband is the shepherd to the wife, the wife is the plaster to the husband.” Normally, the husband is the head of the family, the wife is his assistant. The woman feeds the family with her emotions, the husband calms the excess of emotions with his world. The husband is the front, the wife is the rear. The man is responsible for the interaction of the family with the outside world, that is, he provides the family financially, protects it, the wife supports the husband, takes care of the home. In the upbringing of children, both parents participate equally, in household issues - to the extent possible for each.

This distribution of roles is inherent in human nature. The unwillingness of spouses to play their natural roles, their desire to play the role of another makes people in the family unhappy, leads to material distress, drunkenness, domestic violence, betrayal, mental illness of children, family breakdown. As we can see, no technical progress cancels the operation of moral laws. "Ignorance of the law is not an excuse".

The main problem of the modern family is that the man is gradually losing the role of the head of the family. There are women who, for some reason, do not want to give a man his primacy. There are men who for some reason do not want to take it. If you want to be happy in family life, both parties need to make an effort on themselves so that the man is still the head of the family.

Everyone is free to have his own point of view on this issue, his own passions and can do as he sees fit. But there are facts. And they say that families in which the head is a man practically do not turn to family psychologists: they do not have serious problems. And families in which a woman dominates or fights for power turn to psychologists in huge numbers. And not only the spouses themselves apply, but also their children, who then, due to the mistakes of their parents, cannot arrange their personal lives. On our dating site znakom.realove.ru in the questionnaire of participants there is a question about who was the head of the parents' family. It is significant that the vast majority of women who cannot create a family in any way grew up in families where the mother was the commander-in-chief.

The viability of the family depends on the faithful observance of their roles by husband and wife. The vitality of society depends on the viability of the family. The famous American family psychologist James Dobson writes in his book: “The Western world stands at a great crossroads in its history. In my opinion, our very existence will depend on the presence or absence of male leadership.” Yes, the question is exactly this: to be or not to be. And we are already very close to not being. But each of us himself can determine the fate of his family, to be or not to be a real family. And if we choose to "be", we will contribute to the strengthening of our society, to the power of the country.

There are families in which a clearly strong and organized wife and a weak slob husband. The leadership of the wife is not even disputed. These are families created according to the so-called complementary principle, when people coincide with their shortcomings, like puzzles. I know relatively successful examples of such families, where people live together and, perhaps, will not part. But still, this is constant torment, hidden dissatisfaction on both sides, and considerable psychological problems in children.

I also observed an example of how you can build a healthy family, even if the natural data of the spouses do not match. The wife is a phenomenally strong, domineering, tough and talented person. Her husband is younger than her and by nature much weaker, but kind and smart. Both are university professors. The wife fully shows her strength in the professional field, where she has achieved great success (she is a psychologist, her name is known to almost everyone in Russia). In the family, with her husband, she is different. The palm is deliberately given to the husband. The wife "plays the retinue". Children are instilled with respect for their father. The husband's final decision is the law. And thanks to such support from his wife, the husband does not look unworthy of his role, he is the real head of the family. This is not some kind of acting, deception. Simply, being an experienced psychologist, she understands that it is so right. Perhaps this understanding was not easy for her. Her first two marriages failed. They have been together with their current husband for about 40 years, they have three children, the family feels warmth, peace and true love.

In the family, the retinue makes the king not only in outward respect, but also in the most genuine, psychological sense. A wise wife, choosing femininity and weakness, makes her husband more courageous and stronger. Even if the husband is not very worthy of respect, a wise wife tries to respect him for the sake of respect for spiritual laws, which, as she understands, she cannot change. She takes care of the house, that her husband and children feel good in it, and above all, psychologically. She tries to control her emotions. She does not humiliate, does not reproach, does not nag her husband. She consults with him. She does not “climb ahead of the father into hell”, so that both the first and the last word when discussing any issue are hers. She expresses her opinion, but leaves the final decision to her husband. And he does not bully him in cases where his decision was not the most successful.

Husband and wife are two communicating vessels. If the wife with patience and love shows her husband her sincere attitude towards him as the head of the family, he gradually becomes a real head.

Of course, it is necessary for the husband himself to take care of being the head of the family. Do everything you can to provide for the family. Do not be afraid to take decisions in serious matters, and responsibility for these decisions. A husband can also help a woman become more feminine, help her take the place that befits her in the family and in which she will feel like a woman.

The main strength of a man that conquers a woman is calmness, peace of mind. How to cultivate this peace in yourself? Like love, peace of mind grows as passions and bad habits are overcome.

The role of children in family life

Truth is always the golden mean. In relation to children, it is also important to avoid two extremes.

One extreme, especially characteristic of women: children come first, everything else, including the husband, comes second.

A family will remain a family only if the wife and husband always come first for each other. Who at the table should get the best piece? According to the saying of the Soviet era - "All the best for children"? Traditionally, the best piece has always gone to the man. Not only because the task of a man is the material support of the family, and for this he needs a lot of strength, but also as a sign of his seniority. If this is not the case, if the child is taught that he is the king of the family, an egoist grows up, not adapted to life, and to family life in particular. But, what is primary, the relationship between husband and wife suffers. If the wife loves the child more, the husband, as it were, becomes the third superfluous. He then seeks love on the side, and as a result, the family breaks up.

The other extreme: "children are a burden, as long as we can - we will live for ourselves." Children are not a burden, but such a joy that nothing can replace. I am familiar with two large families. One has six children, the other has seven. These are the happiest families I know. Yes, my parents work there. But how much love, joy, warmth!

In a normal family, parents do not "plan" and "regulate" how many children they have. First, many contraceptives work on the abortive principle. That is, they do not prevent conception, but kill an already formed embryo. Secondly, there is something above us that knows better than us how many children we need and when they will be born. Thirdly, the constant struggle for “non-conception” deprives the intimate life of the spouses of the freedom and joy that they have every right to enjoy.

Your feedback

How happy the young people are at the wedding, how happy they are that they met each other. Everyone wishes them: “Advice and love!” And the people who lived together say: “Patience to you!” Young - again: "Love you, love!" And those who have already lived: “Patience to you!”

It always surprised me at a wedding. “What kind of patience are they talking about? - I thought, - Love, love! And so I want those couples who create a family to be happy. So I want their happiness to be preserved for life.

Have I seen such families? I saw! And not only in photographs of the royal family. It is possible, but it has become rare. Why? Not ready. We now very often have the following attitude: “Take everything from life! Make the most of today! Don't think about tomorrow."

Family is something else. The family presupposes sacrificial love. It involves the ability to listen to another person, to sacrifice something for the sake of another. This goes against the grain of what the media is now suggesting. Now the maximum that is said: "they began to live and make good." And that's it. Good to live! How to treat each other in family life? Unclear. We'll see how it goes.

Why does a young family begin to fall apart? What is she facing, what are the challenges?

Trying out new statuses

Before marriage, during the so-called "conquering period", young people are always in a good mood, look good, smile, and are very friendly. When they have already signed, they see each other every day as they are in real life.

I remember how one psychologist said this: "It is impossible for a person to walk on his toes all his life." In the premarital period, he walks on tiptoes. But in the family, if a person walks on tiptoes all the time, sooner or later his muscles will cramp. And he will still be forced to stand on his full foot, start walking as usual. It turns out that after marriage, people behave as usual, which means that not only the best things begin to appear in our character, but also the bad that, unfortunately, happens in our character, which we ourselves would like to get rid of. And at this moment, when a person becomes real, and not like standing in a shop window, some difficulties arise.

But it is not normal for a person to always be in a blissful state. That is, loving people begin to see each other in different states: in joy, in anger, and looking great, and not very much. And it happens in a rumpled bathrobe, and it happens in sweatpants. If earlier a woman always looked beautiful, then after marriage, in the presence of her husband, she begins to bring beauty and the like. That is, those things that were previously hidden became visible. There is irritation, and in a sense, disappointment. Why was there a fairy tale before, and now gray everyday life has come? But that's okay! There was simply no need to create castles in the air.

Now you need to understand, to accept a person completely as he is. With its advantages and its disadvantages. At the moment when a person begins to show not only his virtues, but also his shortcomings, new roles of husband and wife appear. And this state is completely new for a person who has just entered into a marriage union. Of course, before marriage, before marriage, each person imagined what kind of husband or wife he would be, what kind of father or mother he would be. But this is at the level of mere ideas, ideals. Being married, a person behaves as it turns out. And compliance with the ideal is either obtained or not obtained. Of course, not everything works out in the best way from the very beginning.

For clarity, I will give an example. One woman said very wisely: “There is no such person who would get on figure skates for the first time and immediately go and begin to perform complex elements.” Well, that doesn't happen. He will definitely fall and fill bumps. It's the same with starting a family. People entered into an alliance and immediately became the best husband and wife in the world. That doesn't happen. You still have to endure pain, and fall, and cry. But you have to get up. That's life. This is fine.

The husband is expected to behave differently than the groom. And the wife is also expected to behave differently than the bride. Please note that even the manifestation of love should be different in the family from the manifestation of love in premarital relationships. Answer this question for yourself - if the groom puts a bouquet of flowers to his bride before marriage, climbing up the drainpipe to the third floor, how will this be perceived by other people? “Wow, how he loves her, he just lost his head from love!” Now imagine that the husband who has the key to this apartment does the same. He climbs up to the third floor to put a bouquet of flowers. In this case, everyone will say: "He's kind of strange." In the second case, this will be perceived not as a virtue, but as an oddity of his thinking. Think if he is sick.

It would seem a trifle, how to present a bunch of flowers. But the expectations from the groom and from the husband are completely different. Why? Yes, because love is something in marriage, it is completely different. Here everything is more serious, more demanding, tolerance, prudence, calmness should be shown much more. Completely different qualities are expected. Returning to the original question, premarital relationships and the beginning of family life are completely different stages in the life of a family. But the beginning of a family, it seems to me, is more interesting, because this is already real life. Premarital relations are a preparation for a fairy tale, and family life is already a fairy tale beginning. Which will be happy or unhappy, but it's up to you.

The difference between a man and a woman in understanding love and family

A man and a woman feel differently at the very beginning of family life. Many women have a desire to maintain the style of premarital relations, so that a man always compliments them, gives them flowers, gifts. Then she believes that he truly loves her. And if he does not give gifts, does not say compliments, a suspicion arises: "Probably fell out of love." And the young wife begins to peer into him, to ask questions. And the man does not understand why the woman is so restless, what happened.

When psychologists began to study this issue, it turned out that at any stage in the development of a family, it is important for a woman that a man say something good and kind to her. A woman is so arranged that she needs verbal support. And men are more rational. And when men are asked about the faded feelings, they are surprised, and most say so: “But we signed, the fact is. After all, this is the most important proof of love. It's clear, what else is there to say?

That is, a different approach for men and women. A woman needs proof every day. And so the man does not understand what happens to her every day. But after all, it doesn’t cost him anything to bring and give a flower. And the woman will blossom after that, the mountains will turn! It is important to her, but the man does not reach. One man said that when a woman gets angry, he does not attack her, but says to her: “Despite the fact that you are angry, I still love you. You are so beautiful!” What happens to the woman? She melts and says, "It's impossible to talk seriously with you." You just need to feel each other and say the necessary words. Since a woman is more emotional, you need to give her this emotional support.

They began to look further, and it turned out that even the very concept of “love and be together” is understood by a man and a woman in different ways. There is such a family of psychologists, husband and wife Kronik. They explored how men and women understand what it means to be together. When concluding a marriage, a man and a woman say: “I marry for love. I love this person. And I want to always be with him.” It would seem that we speak the same language, we pronounce the same thing. But it turns out that a man and a woman put different meanings into these words. Which?

The first and most common. When a woman says "to love and be together", her representation can be depicted in the form of the following model. If you draw circles (they are called Eller circles): one circle and inside it a shaded second circle. This is what it means for a woman to be together. She tries to be in the center of the life of her beloved man. Such women often say: "I love you so much that if you are not in my life, then it loses its meaning." This is the same type of relationship when a woman in family life begins to cry or runs to a psychologist. She doesn't understand what's going on. “But we agreed to be together,” she says.

If you look from an Orthodox point of view, the law is violated here: in the Gospel it is written "Do not make an idol for yourself." This woman makes her husband not just a husband and a loved one, she puts him above God. She says to him, “You are everything to me.” This is a violation of the spiritual law!

From a psychological point of view, such a woman takes the role of a mother in these relationships, and makes a child out of her husband. She re-educates her husband to the level of a capricious child. “Watch how I cook. You have porridge, you have soup. Look how good I clean. How about this or this? You only love me! And let me rock you, I'll sing a song. And the man gradually from the head of the family becomes a child. Who would refuse to be carried in their arms?

Several years pass, and the woman begins to scream: “I gave you my whole life, and you are ungrateful!” “Listen,” the man says, “I didn’t ask you to do this.” And he is absolutely right. She grabbed him in her arms, carried him, and then burst into tears. Who is to blame here? A man should be the head of the family, and the wife should behave in such a way that he feels like the Head. She should not raise a capricious child out of him. You have to know how to love!

The second type of family, common in godless Russia, depicted with the help of Eller's circles. One shaded circle. Style "do not leave a step from me, and I will not leave you." This family is like a prison. Once, in a student sketch, one student described this situation as follows: the wife, as it were, says to her husband, “To the leg, to the leg!” She says this to the head of the family, her husband! But he's not a dog! Why "to the foot"? At the same time, a woman comes to a family consultation and says: “You know, I suffer so much, and he is so ungrateful. He doesn't appreciate me at all! At the same time, she sincerely believes that she is suffering. And she does not understand that her strongest love is for herself. The attitude towards the husband is humiliating, not as to the head of the family, but as to the one to whom you can say “Silence!” and "To the foot!"

The next version of love and interpretation of the concept of "being together." This option is the most normal and humane. If you depict relationships as wedding rings, they will overlap each other a little. That is, the husband and wife are together, but not like in the second case, when the family is like a prison. Here the woman understands that her husband is an independent person, he has the right to his experiences, his actions. They do not always have to walk toe to toe and look in one direction, there must be respect for each other, trust. If a man is not at home for some time, this does not mean that he is doing something indecent. No need to tell him “Where have you been? .. And now again, but honestly!” There must be a certain freedom, trust in each other. And a woman feels more comfortable, comfortable when a man is not always in front of her eyes. I want to pay attention, love is still giving another person the opportunity to do something without you. From this, the other person does not become a stranger, from this he grows up, he gains new information, his life becomes richer. A person communicates at his work, he reads books that he likes. Having processed all this, he becomes more interesting in the family, becomes more mature.

Now let's see how men understand what it means to be together. It turned out that the most common option is the following. If you draw two circles, then they will be at a distance from each other, and will be united by something in common: basically, a man and a woman are united by their place of residence (apartment). What does it mean? The man is more independent. He needs more freedom in life. This does not mean that he is not a domestic person. A man appreciates family life very much. He just needs a normal environment in the family. He does not need a hysterical wife, rushing about, who sees her life in raising her husband as a student. He doesn’t need the one who reproaches all her life, and then says, “Why don’t you appreciate me?”

This misunderstanding between a man and a woman, when they understand differently what “being together” means, is felt especially sharply in the first year of marriage. Because of this, women suffer more often. Therefore, I turn to them. If a man is not always in front of your eyes, do not take it as a tragedy. Moreover, a man must necessarily assert himself at work. If he asserts himself in work, in his profession, he becomes much softer in the family. If something does not work out for him at work, then he behaves tougher in the family. Therefore, do not be jealous of his work. This is also a mistake. Husband and wife should not breathe in and out at the same time. And in life, too, everyone should have their own rhythm, but they should be together. Unity should occur at the level of trust and respect for the other person.

I sometimes suggest to some women: “Imagine that a man would tell you trouble from morning to evening, teach you something from morning to evening.” Such things never occur to women. Women do not understand at all that she is not a teacher in the family, and her husband is not a loser. Quite the contrary: he is the head of the family, and she should be his assistant. Teaching him is not according to the commandments, it is a violation of spiritual laws.

There are physical laws and there are spiritual ones. Both those and others are God's. Both those and others are not cancelled. There is a law of universal earth gravity. A stone is thrown, it must fall to the ground. A heavy stone is thrown, it will hit very hard. The same is true of spiritual laws. Whether we know them or not, they still work. The elders write that "The dominion of a woman over a man is a blasphemy against God," theomachism. If a woman does not behave according to the commandments, she will suffer. Women, beware! Start acting like you're supposed to. Everything will come to life and line up as it should.

Monotone

In the first year of family life, there is such a difficulty as monotony. If, before marriage, they met occasionally with each other, there were dates, and at that time both were in high spirits, everything was festive. In family life, it turns out that they see each other every day. And they already see everyone, both in a good mood and in a bad one, they see ironed, ironed and not ironed at all. As a result of monotony, monotony, emotional fatigue accumulates. You have to learn how to celebrate. Just drop everything and go out of town together. Another environment, nature, and you both calmed down. Just a change of mind. And when people return from such a trip, everything is already different. Many problems no longer seem as global as before, and everything is simpler. The most important thing is that it be together, and that they rest together, throw off this monotony, get rid of the monotony.

Minor hypertrophy

As a result of monotony, emotional fatigue sets in, the so-called “hypertrophy of small things” begins. That is, trifles begin to annoy.

A woman is annoyed that a man, returning home, does not hang his jacket on a coat hanger, but throws it somewhere. Another woman is annoyed that toothpaste is squeezed out not in the middle, but from above or below (that is, not where she is used to). And it starts to irritate to a nervous chill. A man also begins to annoy some things. For example, why is she talking on the phone for so long. And before marriage, it touched him. “Wow, how sociable she is, how they love her, how many people are drawn to her, and she chose me.” In marriage, the same thing irritates to a nervous tremor. “What can you talk about for so many hours on the phone? he asks. - No, you tell me - about what? When married couples come for a consultation, you see that they are not ready for a compromise, they can hardly restrain themselves physically. Husband and wife often turn to each other with the question: “Do you understand that these are trifles? Well, if it's not that important, why is it so hard for you to give in to me?"

First, the attitude that someone else has to realign for me is not a smart attitude. Even in ancient times, people said, "If you want to be happy, be happy." This does not mean that the whole world should be rebuilt for the sake of our convenience. There must be elementary patience and self-control. Well, what difference does it make how the man squeezed out the paste? It's not a global tragedy that he hung his clothes on a chair and not on a hanger. You can react differently without getting hysterical.

What else is starting to happen? There is a need to run a business. If earlier at home it was possible to do nothing, or to do occasionally, because you were a child, now everything turned out differently. Previously, they told you: “You will gain more in life, you can rest for now.” And when families are created, the classic version is as follows: a young wife can only boil an egg or potatoes, fry scrambled eggs, heat cutlets, and the husband can do about the same thing. Is it readiness for family life? The elementary preparation of dinner becomes a feat. Remember the movie, Munchausen says "Today I have a feat on my schedule"? Then everything in the family becomes a feat. Even simple cooking. Everything used to be done by my mother, but then some duties fell. It is very annoying if you are not ready, if you are used to using it.

What to do in this situation? Grow up! Rebuild! You need to make an effort on yourself. It's elementary, if you remember the stage when children move from kindergarten to school, and they have new responsibilities, new lessons, it takes so much time to prepare. Well, that's why they don't drop out of school! Learn, go further and further.

Just laugh at this little thing, turn everything into a joke. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, go towards each other. This is not such a global problem, because you can listen to another person. This is the most reasonable. There is a phrase - "I will die, but I will not worship." Well, why die standing when it's so easy to come up and hang your jacket in the right place, if it's so annoying to another person, especially a loved one? After all, he will be grateful to you, and the evening will turn out to be happier and there will be no scenes. The same for a woman. If she feels that her husband is annoyed by her long conversations on the phone, she must give in to him.

Who is the head of the family or to Caesar - Caesar's

In the first year, it is determined who will be the head of the family. Husband or wife? Very often, women who marry for love begin their family life by pleasing their husband. It is so natural: when you love, to do good to another person. Many women are carried away. They begin to behave in the spirit of “I will do everything myself. After all, the main thing is that you feel good.” If you need to clean up, of course, she herself. To the store? No need, she's on her own. If the husband offers help, immediately “no need, no need, I myself.” If a man starts to decide something, a woman also tries to take an active part “but I think so”, “let's do as I say”. She, simply put, does not understand at this moment that she is unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) trying to take on the role of the head of the family.

A lot of women who get married behave the same way at a wedding, when the newlyweds are supposed to bite off a piece of the loaf. They try so hard to bite off more. They shout to her: “Bite more!” And the woman tries to swallow to the maximum. According to the Moscow proverb: "The wider you open your mouth, the more you bite off." So they try to open their mouth wider, up to a dislocation. They do not even know that a family tragedy begins here. This is the beginning of family pain in several generations. Why? It is normal for a man when he is the head of the family (whether he understands it or not). The woman is weak. The man himself is more rational, cold-blooded, calm. He has a different mindset. Women are more emotional, we feel more, but we capture more in breadth and not in depth. Therefore, the family council should be in the family: one takes more in width, the other in depth. One is more at the level of a cold mind, the other is at the level of the heart, feelings. Then there is fullness, warmth, comfort.

If a woman, without realizing it, intercepts the role of a leader from a man, the following happens: she changes, loses her femininity, becomes masculine. Pay attention, a woman in love and loving can be seen from afar. She is very gentle, the embodiment of femininity and motherhood, calm, peaceful. If we take emancipated modernity, then in many families matriarchy now reigns, in which the woman is the leader of the family. Why?

Very often, women come for a consultation and say, “Yes, where can I get them, real men. I would love to marry someone like that, but where can I find him?” When you start to analyze the situation, it turns out that with her attitude to life and her behavior, only the man who will shut up and step aside can survive with her without a heart attack. Because someone has to be sane. He thinks: “I’d better keep quiet, because she can’t be shouted down.” She shouts to him: “What kind of husband are you ?!” And he was simply already deaf from her scream. “Yes, here I am. Calm down. You see that you are not alone. Just you feel that you are a woman.

A woman should be feminine, soft and not hysterical. It must radiate warmth. The task of a woman is to keep the hearth. But what kind of guardian is she, if it is a tsunami, a typhoon, a small Chechen war within the family territory? A woman needs to come to her senses, remember that she is a woman!

Women ask me the question “What should I do if he does not take on the role of head?” Firstly, I must say that we do not prepare boys for the role of the head of the family. It was earlier, before 1917, that the boy was told: “When you grow up, you must become the head of the family, you will answer to God, as your wife was behind you (she is a weak vessel). You will answer how the children felt behind your back (they are small, after all). You will have to answer to God what you have done so that they all feel good.” They told him: “You are a protector! You must protect your family, your homeland." Orthodoxy teaches us that there is no higher honor than laying down one's life for one's friends. It's an honor! Because you are a man. And now they say: “Yes, you think! Do you want to join the army? You will die there! Are you crazy or something?!” Now they are brought up in the spirit: “You are still small, you still have to live for yourself.”

And this “little one” creates a family. And everything would be fine, he could become the head of the family if there was a feminine woman nearby. Nearby there should be a wife who was brought up in Orthodox traditions, who knows that her task is to be such a wife that she would want to return to her house, because she is there, because she is kind and loving, and not shy away from her with the words “Lord have mercy. She should be such a mother that the children can come to her for help, and not run away from her, seeing how bad her mood is. She should be the hostess so that it would not be a feat for her to cook food. You see, when a man marries a feminine woman, the family structure is different. And in a family with an emancipated woman, the following situation often occurs. She says: “Last time you did not listen to me, and it turned out badly. So be smart, listen to me now! Haven't you realized yet that you're complete (knock-knock-knock) compared to me?"

When I studied at the institute, our teacher once said: “Girls, remember for the rest of your life: a smart man and a smart woman are not the same thing.” Why? A smart person has erudition, extraordinary thinking. A smart woman does not stick out her intellect when communicating, especially in a family. She tries to carefully find the very solution, the softest, most painless, which would suit everyone in the family, to help her husband, and so that everything is peaceful and calm. Many of our women do not behave smartly. They go on a frontal attack, they act like wrestlers in the ring, women's boxing starts. What does a man do? He steps aside. "If you want to fight, well, fight."

The Moscow psychologist (God rest her soul) Florenskaya Tamara Alexandrovna said a wonderful phrase: “In order for a husband to be a real man, you must become a real woman yourself.” We must start with ourselves. This, of course, is difficult, but without this, a real man will not work nearby. When a woman is constantly torn and hysterical, a man tries to step aside so as not to go deaf.

It's so simple. When a woman catches her breath and begins to change, at first the man tensely waits for the usual scenes, begins to ask: “Are you all right?” But then, when it really changes, then the husband finally begins to behave like a man, because he is given the opportunity to behave not like a whipping boy, but like a real man. And then, because the parents behave like a normal husband and wife, and the children calm down. Peace comes to the family, everything falls into place.

Some women say, “How can I act like a helper? I can't! Neither my grandmother nor my mother behaved like this. I've never seen this before my eyes."

Really, how? Everything is trite and very simple - it is not necessary to stick out your “I” and put it at the forefront, but simply love the other and take care of it. Then the heart begins to tell.

For example, a woman says, “Here I am discussing family issues with him, but still I make the right decision. Why lie then? Why waste time on this? This is how an intelligent person behaves, but an unintelligent woman, because she is digging a grave for her family. She seems to be saying: “I don’t see you point-blank. What did someone say? Are you? What did you squeak there?

Is this how they behave with the head of the family? Here, for example, one very smart woman answers my question: “How do you talk to your husband?” She says: “I will tell you the options that came to my mind, but the decision is up to you. You are the head." She told him how she sees the situation, and he makes the decision. And it is right!

I understand it's hard to say. A modern woman is more likely to break, and will act on the principle of "I will die, but I will not bow down." And the family is falling apart.

It is normal for a woman to turn to a man for advice. And the man begins to get used to the fact that he is in charge, what will be asked of him. When there are children, it is normal to say to the child: “Ask dad. As he says, so be it. After all, he's our boss."

When the children are naughty, it’s right to say: “Quietly, dad is resting. He was at work. Let's be quiet." These are trifles, but it is from them that a happy family is formed. This must be learned to do. This is how a smart woman behaves, the keeper of the hearth. Next to such a woman, a man from an inexperienced boy becomes the head. It is such a family, according to a survey of sociologists and psychologists, that is strong, because everything is in its place.

The relationship of a young family with relatives

Family psychologists who have studied so many young families have come to the conclusion that it is better to live separately from their parents. With modern upbringing, if a young family begins to live separately, it does not affect how they master their roles as painfully as if they lived with their parents.

I'll explain why. Modern people are very infantile. Very often, people who create families, they are still determined to be children, so that mom and dad carry them on their hands, so that mom and dad solve their problems. If there is not enough money to help them. If you can't buy clothes, buy more clothes. If the decor isn't good enough, they can help with the furniture as well. And if there is no apartment, they should rent an apartment. This setting is selfish. Their parents, like small children, must be carried on the handles, they must be rolled in strollers. This is not right, because when you create your own family, these are two adults who may soon have their own children. They already have to carry someone on their hands. When creating a family, it is necessary in advance, before marriage, before the wedding, to think about where the young people will live. It is better to find an opportunity, try to earn money in advance. It is desirable that not at the expense of the parents, but at their own expense, at least for the first six months, rent an apartment and live separately.

Why did psychologists come to the conclusion that with modern upbringing, it is better to start family life separately? When a family is formed, young people must master the role of husband or wife. These roles must be consistent. But it doesn't work out that everything goes smoothly. And to become a good wife, a woman must feel for herself what it means to be a good wife. For her, this is still an unusual state. The same is true for a man. Being a husband is unusual, but he is the head of the family, a lot is expected of him. More recently, there was so much freedom, and now there are only responsibilities. A man needs to get used to it. Young spouses need to coordinate their actions so that communication between husband and wife is a joy. And in these painful moments, when everything does not always work out, it is better for young people to live separately. When one person after the wedding comes to another family, he must not only find a common language with this particular person. He will have to join the life of another family in which they lived without him for very many years. For example, consider the relationship in the classroom when a new student arrives. Everyone had been together for a long time, and then a new one came. At first, everyone looks at him. And it happens, like in the movie "Scarecrow". If a person is different from others, then repressive measures will necessarily begin against him, he will be tested for strength. See how he behaves. Why? He is different, and we need to see how much we can find a common language with him.

The Japanese even have a saying: "If a nail sticks out, it is driven in." What does she mean? If a person stands out in some way, they try to fit him to the general standard so that he becomes like everyone else. It turns out that a person who has come to another family, in which all relations have already developed, experiences more difficulties. He has to build relationships not only with one person, husband or wife, but also with other relatives. He is no longer equal, it is more difficult for him.

When young people get married, they look at each other and think that the family is two people. And there are still numerous relatives, and everyone has their own idea of ​​​​how to behave with this family: what time to come to visit them and leave, in what tone to talk, how often to interfere. And these problems with new relatives are quite painful.

How are today's youth behaving? Very often she was brought up in a system of democracy, in the values ​​of universal equality. Elderly people have lived their lives, they have a rich experience. What is the equality here? What a familiar pat on the shoulder? There must be respect for adults! But even adults now have their distortions. It is written in the Gospel that "and a man will leave his father and his mother, and the two will become one flesh." A person must leave his parents. They have the right to intervene in the life of a child when he does not have his own family. When he has his own family, he is, as they say, "a cut piece." The family must make their own decisions, in their own family council. Climbing up to them so actively with advice is not allowed.

Especially often there are problems when a mother interferes in the life of a young family. A man, unlike a woman, rarely intervenes in the family of his child. What is the mother's mistake? The only mistake is that it helps incorrectly. Help, of course, is needed, but not at the level of humiliation and reproaches. The same thing can be said at the level of a reprimand, a public slap in the face. And the same can be said very carefully, one on one. "Daughter, I wanted to talk to you." When it is said with love, the heart always responds. When this is said with the wrong inner attitude, the person starts to reject. We must learn to help another person. Not at the level of the sovereign, who beats with a whip, but at the parental level, having many years of experience behind her and instructing them, fledgling chicks, helping with advice. They will definitely listen!

And another feature: very many young people now, when they are creating families, begin to call their new parents not “mother” and “dad”, but by their first name and patronymic. Their motivation is as follows: “Well, you know, I have a dad and a mom. And it’s hard for me to say “mom” and “dad” to strangers.” This is not true! We have formal and informal style in clothes, there is a classic suit and there are home clothes. The official style also implies official communication by name and patronymic, here it is indecent to call by name. This style of communication sets the distance. If in a family where there are close relationships, communication takes place at the level of an official reception, then a distance immediately appears. And then the question: why do they treat me with arrogance? It's okay to call your new parents "mom" and "dad" if you're well-bred. “Mommy”, “daddy”, and the answer will be involuntarily - “daughter” or “son”. As it comes around, so it will respond. There is such a law in psychology: if you want to change your attitude towards yourself, change your attitude towards this person. We must feel with the heart of another person.

This is very difficult. Many women in consultations say: “He has such a mother! It's impossible to bear it. Why should I love her?" You understand, if you lack so much kindness, love at least her for the fact that she gave birth and raised such a son to you. She gave birth. And she raised. And now you're married to him. For that, you should be grateful to her. Start at least with this, and the other person will feel it. Necessarily! As it comes around, so it will respond. You need to love your relatives, and not immediately arrange transformations: “I came, and now everything will be different. Here we will rearrange, here we will plant flowers, we will replace the curtains.” If this family lived in its own way, and you came to this family, you must respect it. You need to start by loving other people and learning how to give love. Do not demand, but give!

This is the task of the first year of family life. It's very hard. If a person is brought up in Orthodoxy, it is natural for him. If he was brought up in a modern way: in the spirit of “live, take everything from life”, then these are continuous problems. As a result, the first year ends, and you think, “Before that, life went on calmly, like in a fairy tale. And there are so many problems. Let's get divorced." And people get divorced without realizing that family life can be very happy, you just have to work hard, and then the return can be huge. If at the very beginning of family life this sprout is broken off, then there will be a point, thorns for the rest of your life. That is, you need to let the family get stronger, gain strength so that it gives you warmth.

This painful moment of the formation of a family is common. For example, a baby learns to walk, he gets up and falls, gets up and falls. But this does not mean that now he should not learn to walk. A young family, she also learn to walk. But there is such a feature. When a baby learns to walk, it is necessary that an adult stands nearby, constantly insures, takes by the hand. In the case of a young family, they should hold each other's hand. Together, husband and wife. Psychologists recommend starting to learn to walk separately from other relatives. When they learn to walk with one foot, figuratively speaking, then it turns out that they can already move to the next step. It is possible after some time, after they have lived separately, to move to their parents. And the money that was spent on paying for an apartment can already be spent on other things.

In addition, a separate life helps young spouses grow up. I started with the fact that we have some young people, and even for the most part, when they start family life, they also have consumer attitudes. “Give it, give it, give it! I am still a child, I am still small and there is no demand from me.” But imagine if a person ended up on a desert island. Who will pay attention to whether you are small or rather big, whether you know how to cook or not? You will be forced to look around so that you can eat it, and then you will have to look for a way to cook it. After all, you will not eat raw fish, such as it was thrown ashore? You have to find opportunities, learn how to cook food, how to arrange your life. When young people begin to live separately, they seem to be on that same desert island. It depends only on them what they will eat, how they will live, how they will build relationships. It helps you grow up much faster. And infantile attitudes, such as “carry me in your arms,” must be removed. This is reasonable, and I think parents should not interfere with this. Of course, I want my children to be all right, I want to pick them up in their arms. But it's time for them to grow up. Listen to this. Of course, there are times when young people are already internally mature, when they can build their relationships while being in the family of their parents. But for most young people it is very difficult. These are additional problems.

The appearance of a child

The second stage, the second step. First year. A child appears in the family. I do not take the case of so-called "feigned" marriages (that is, when the bride is pregnant and therefore the marriage takes place). Previously, in Rus' it was considered a shame. Why? The word "bride" means - "unknown", synonyms - mystery, purity. Her clothes are white, a sign of purity. In our case, which bride is the unknown? Recently I was shown a fashion magazine for a pregnant bride. Different types of wedding dresses for pregnant brides. Simply accustom deliberately, systematically to debauchery. Previously, it was at the level of shame, but now it is in the order of things.

What happens if the bride is pregnant? The first crisis of family life is superimposed by another - the child. And the family is bursting at the seams. If you look psychologically. And if you know the spiritual laws, then things are already obvious here. The fact is that when a person lives according to the commandments of God, when he is covered with grace, everything happens by itself for him. He goes with gratitude. There is a sense of security. Feeling that God is love and He cares about each of us. When a person starts to sin… there is such a thing as “sin stinks”. The guardian angel departs because our sin stinks. Grace departs from us, we begin to suffer, to suffer. We ourselves have departed from God. We chose this path and suffer ourselves. When the bride becomes so “experienced” (and sometimes more than one man), and then she asks: “Why do I suffer so much, why do my children suffer?” Well, open the Gospel, read it!

When a child was born earlier, they prayed, asked God to send that child who would be a joy to the family, a joy to God. Now often "holiday" children are born. When people get drunk on holidays and in this state they conceive a child. And then the baby is born, and the parents ask: who did he go to, didn’t we have such a family?

Before, when a woman was carrying a child, she always prayed. She confessed often, took communion. Through this, the child is formed. The body of a woman is a house for this baby. She is cleansed, and her condition affects the child. Naturally, everything also affects the relationship with her husband, physical relationships cease. Because this is a hormonal earthquake for the baby. Why do they say "imbibed with mother's milk"? When the mother was feeding the baby, she prayed. And if a mother, while feeding, swore with her husband or watched a film of semi-pornographic content, which is now constantly shown on TV, then what is laid on the baby with mother's milk? Remember how you behaved when you carried a child and fed. And why be surprised after that?

There are no dead ends in Orthodoxy. God is absolute love and He is waiting for our repentance. Only. And as in the parable of the prodigal son, only the son returns, the father ran to meet him. “Father, I am not worthy to be called your son,” says the son, and the father runs to meet him. Here you just need to realize and repent, and repentance means correction. And repentance should not only be at the level of “now I won’t do this.” It is necessary to go to confession, to take communion. We heal then soul and body.

We often would like to cope with our strengths, but we cannot. I remember that in the Soviet period there was a slogan: "Man is the blacksmith of his own happiness." And in one newspaper I read: "Man is the grasshopper of his own happiness." Exactly! A person jumps, chirps, thinks that he is jumping high. What a blacksmith! After all, without God, man cannot do anything. Therefore, you need to go to God, repent, ask for strength, say “I have already done so much in my life, help me, fix it, I can’t, you can. Help! Wise me, direct and fix everything. You could revive four-day Lazarus when he was already a stinking corpse. You revive me, revive my family, which is already stinking, disintegrating, my children who have suffered, you help them yourself. And, of course, you need to start improving yourself. It's all possible.

What happens when a young family has a baby? They expect him and think: now everything will be fine. And it begins that they must assume the new roles of mother and father. There is a feat of motherhood and fatherhood. This love is sacrificial, you have to forget about yourself. But how can you forget about yourself? It's so hard when you're selfish. And when you love, it's not difficult at all.

When a baby is born, how is the load in the family rebuilt? Firstly, if we take the statistics, the workload for household chores sharply increases for a woman, the time for cooking is doubled. For adults, cook for a small one. And all by the hour. In addition, the time for washing increases many times over.

Further. A newborn baby should sleep 18-20 hours a day. But now in our city, and throughout Russia, only 3% of absolutely healthy babies are born. In babies, the diagnosis of "hyperexcitability" has become a traditional one. What modern baby sleeps for 18-20 hours? He cries and cries. As a result, when crying stops, a woman can fall asleep both sitting and half standing. The woman has such an emotional overload. What about the man? He thought it would be such a blessing. But it turned out to be the opposite: the wife rushes about, the child cries. And that's what family life is all about.

What happens next? An offer comes in: “Let's get a divorce? So tired! But why get divorced? You just need to grow up. A child will not be a baby all his life. In a year, he will begin to walk, grow, and then the baby has an amazing ability (up to 5 years old) to bring joy. They are such suns in the family, they are so happy with everything. "What is there to be happy about?" - we think. And they are so happy: “Mom, look at the house here, and the house here, and around the house.” And he's so happy. “Oh, mother, look at the bird!” And he is happy. For them, everything is the first time in their lives. This is a lesson for us, adults, how to get joy from everything.

Recording of the conversation - Center for the Protection of Maternity "Cradle", Yekaterinburg.

Transcription, editing, headings - website

A distance (online) course will help to find family happiness . (Psychologist Alexander Kolmanovsky)
The ship of the family crashes on the ice of selfishness ( Crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
The family needs hierarchy Psychologist Lyudmila Ermakova)
Commitment keeps people together Family psychologist Irina Rakhimova)
Marriage: the end and the beginning of freedom ( Psychologist Mikhail Zavalov)
Does a family need a hierarchy? ( Psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
If you create a family, then for life ( Yuri Borzakovsky, Olympic champion)
The country of the family is a great country ( Vladimir Gurbolikov)
Apologia for marriage ( Priest Pavel Gumerov)

The psychology of family relations between wife and husband is an important science that allows you to avoid crises in family life, if you started studying it BEFORE starting a relationship. After all, the main thing in relationships is to observe the principle of gradualness, and build them step by step, from the foundation and foundation to the roof. From the moment of falling in love to the creation of a family.

If we get involved in relationships without understanding how to create them, then it is quite likely that at some stage we will find ourselves in a situation of crisis in family life. You begin to feel that something is wrong, then everything develops, or rather degrades, and the relationship between wife and husband is getting worse and worse. What to do at this moment?

Relationships don't fall apart overnight

When you analyze your crises, think about this - relationships do not fall apart overnight, abruptly. The psychology of such situations is always a process, quite a long one, in principle, usually as long as building and developing relationships.

It does not happen that a husband and wife live in perfect harmony, everything is fine with them, and then bam - a crisis, and everything fell apart in a couple of weeks. No, of course not. It is always a long time when people gradually begin to be dissatisfied with each other.

What stage of the crisis are you in?

If you suddenly realized that the relationship began to develop according to a bad scenario, and the husband does not behave at all the way you dreamed about it, then the very awareness of the crisis is the first step towards correcting and improving relations.

But just knowing that something is wrong in your relationship is not enough. The next step is to determine how far this “something” has gone. You need to understand at what stage of the relationship crisis you are. I will list all the stages of degradation and destruction of the family.

1. The first crisis is irritation

This is the starting point for the destruction of relations, and it is even difficult to call it a “crisis”. It seems that nothing special is happening, but the husband and wife periodically begin to experience irritation towards each other.

Where does this irritation come from? From insecurity in a husband or wife, from anxiety in a couple. People seem to be already living in a family, but there is no complete harmony, there is some kind of internal anxiety. So far, not very pronounced.

What annoys a husband in his wife? Actually everything. What annoys a wife in her husband? That's all too. They simply have not yet grown up to relationships in the family, do not understand family psychology, and are not ready.

Indeed, in order to create relationships, a man must understand some basic basic things about his wife.

For example, the fact that she can get upset very easily, just for no reason. And there is no point in looking for a reason. Such is the woman, she can do it just like that.

At the same time, psychologists say that in 90% of cases, a woman’s disorder does not depend on her husband, and only 10% is his influence. The whole question is whether the husband is ready to endure the negative emotions of his wife all the time. If he is not ready, then it is simply too early for him to marry. You need to be able to tolerate all sorts of manifestations of a woman.

Unfulfilled expectations

If the relationship begins with the fact that the ideas of the husband or wife do not come true, and they begin to think: “this is not at all the way I imagined (imagined),” then degradation begins. This is suffering from unjustified expectations, and from the fact that relationships were not built gradually.

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Usually at this stage of the crisis, a man does not really want to strive somewhere. He does not have a global goal, interests. There is no motion vector. He just doesn't need it. For him, the format of simple everyday sex, insipid borscht, and work-home-work is normal. And for a woman, this format is fatal. She doesn't like it, and she doesn't want to live like that.

A woman always wants development. Moreover, this development is in the format: someone has to do something for me, and I will tell everyone about it.

The wife begins to distrust her husband, becomes irritated, and her distrust increases his apathy and lack of will. Vicious circle.

At the same time, a woman often asks: “What if his goals suck? And I don't like it?" Here I want to ask the question: “How did you marry a man whose goals you don’t like?” After all, the time for marriage comes when the goals of a man are already your goals. That is, you have a common vector, common desires.

How to get out of the first relationship crisis?

There are several options for how to get out of this stage of relationship destruction:

1. Try to develop relationships, and build them correctly;
2. Continue to live in the same mode, endure, and wait for who knows what;
3. Disperse and look for another husband or wife;

It is important to understand that the second option will only lead to the slow death of your relationship, and to the next stages of your family's crisis.

Remember the main thing - your behavior means a lot to a man, but if there is no harmony at the level of signs, then the relationship will be very tense. It is very desirable to find out the exact compatibility of your zodiac sign with the sign of a man. This can be done by clicking on the button below:

The third one is possible, but if you immediately try to find a replacement without understanding the lessons that life gave you, then your new passion will be an exact copy of your previous husband, and most likely even worse. And only the first option gives a chance for future harmony in the family.

In principle, getting out of the first stage of the relationship crisis - understanding psychology, is quite simple. You just need to start acting, and there is every chance to create a happy family.

2. Second Relationship Crisis - Aggressive Husband and Secretive Wife

If a woman ceases to trust her husband, then she gradually closes herself from him, hides her emotions. It closes, becomes silent. And he begins to look for support and support in other places.

Who can act as a support for a woman? Sometimes she starts to lean on her small children - and this is very sad. Sometimes - she finds this support in her father or brother.

At the same time, the woman begins to think that her husband is not the best option. And in fact, this is actually a betrayal. Yes, there is no physical infidelity as such, but mentally a woman is already cheating on her husband. And this is a very serious psychological crisis.

And the man, albeit a rather insensitive brute, this attitude of a woman - feels. And from this it becomes more and more aggressive. Because he invests his time and some strength in a woman who is not his. And his wife begins to tell him about the fact that my boss is so cool, that my friend has a man - he’s better at this, here’s another friend - he’s generally super. And the man is furious with these comparisons.

The way out of this crisis is for a woman to learn to open up to her man, to tell everything that she has in her soul. If he doesn't want to listen, ask him to.

3. The third relationship crisis - the man becomes greedy, and the wife begins to cheat

At this stage, the man begins to show pettiness, greed and excessive stinginess. This happens for the same reasons: a man subconsciously understands that a woman is not his - and simply does not want to invest in her in any way.

That is, if this happens in your relationship, when a woman says: “he used to be generous, but now he has changed,” then you need to look for the node at which this transition of the husband into a being that you have become uninteresting took place. Maybe the wife just doesn't thank her husband for anything?

If the husband begins to behave in this way, the woman, in addition to closing herself from the man, begins to deceive him. And women are real masters in terms of deceit and tricks, and can very effectively circle a man around her finger.

But the man, although he does not understand with his mind that something is wrong, begins to feel that he is being bred. Although a man is not able to understand the hints of a woman, or some subtexts, but when his wife begins to deceive, this inner sense wakes up in him, which signals him about it.

Again, this turns into another vicious circle, and the psychological crisis grows more and more - the more greedy the man, the more the woman lies, the more the woman lies, the more greedy the man becomes.

If at this level the relationship does not change, and the husband and wife do not begin to correct the situation, then everything becomes even worse, and goes into the next crisis.

4. The fourth crisis - the husband becomes cruel, and the wife - begins to envy

The husband at this stage begins to cross all boundaries, may begin to yell at his wife and children, may even begin to dissolve his hands. May begin to seriously insult his wife, making cruel remarks about her appearance and personal qualities.

Also, the husband begins to find fault with his wife, constantly making comments to her about her actions and behavior. It turns into an endless stream that simply oppresses the woman and humiliates her.

The wife at this stage finally loses faith in her happiness, and begins to become an envious gossip, discussing all her problems and hardships behind her husband's back. He envies, first of all, those who have a better family life, and secretly hopes for their discord and deterioration in relations. She criticizes everyone - and especially her husband.

This is such a crisis, in which it is already difficult to change anything, and somehow improve relations.

We can say that the relationship is almost destroyed. And everyone in this relationship, both husband and wife, blame each other, and do not consider that they have any responsibility for the failure of the marriage.

If you drag out such a crisis, and do not get out of it with drastic measures, then the man becomes a real loser, sinking lower and lower, and can simply get drunk. And a woman becomes more and more stressed, begins to be afraid of everything around, panics, and her self-esteem drops to such a low level that hardly anyone will be able to raise her from this level. Or it will take a very serious effort.

The best decision from the point of view of psychology at this stage is to simply leave, even without necessarily making decisions about divorce or separation. It should take a long time until the passions subside, and the husband and wife can talk without emotion, in the mind.

If after a while, after they parted, the husband meets his wife, and they begin to build relationships literally anew, then there is still a chance. But this takes time, and time is not small.

Psychology of family relations of wife and husband

The degradation of relationships and family does not happen at one moment, and it is in your power to turn everything back. Do not make sudden movements, think that even if there is a serious crisis in the relationship and everything is bad, then if you just run away into a new relationship, then nothing will change.

After all, you did not learn anything, did not understand how to behave correctly. Understand that you need to twist yourself first of all, and try to practice on your husband - if you start to act correctly, then there is a chance that you will begin to notice changes. And so step by step to correct the situation.

If this does not help, and your workouts turn out to be unsuccessful - well, maybe you should think about the fact that life is not eternal, and you still have a chance to meet your man.

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Relationship psychology

Love is one of the deepest and brightest emotions. Almost every person will be glad to find himself in a comfortable union. Sometimes romantic relationships become such a significant element of life that they act as a source of self-realization and deep moral satisfaction.

The art of having healthy relationships is not innate. Psychological research indicates that the skill of their formation begins to be laid in early childhood. The first important lessons in the psychology of love and relationships are given to us by close people. Usually these are parents or those who replace them. It is they who, by their example, show us how to behave with a partner and how to solve problems that arise. The concepts formed in childhood about the psychology of relationships between a couple do not always determine behavior for the rest of their lives, but often become its foundation.

In some cases, problems that interfere with building healthy relationships have to be worked out with a specialist. One of these dangers is codependency with obsession with a partner. This pathological attachment kills love and respect, turning the relationship into a nerve-wracking tangle of manipulation and emotional abuse. It can be difficult to admit that you have fallen into the codependency trap, but ignoring the problem leads to losing yourself and losing the ability to enjoy life.

Failure in a couple occurs for many reasons and entails deep anguish and psychological problems. We must consciously work on ourselves and on our relationship with our partner in order to allow family life to flourish.

The psychology of relations between a man and a woman is a very changeable and complex area. We are all different, and when it comes to love and family, you need to understand that there is no universal recipe for the right behavior. Every person, male or female, has their own characteristics that must be taken into account. At the same time, studies show that there are also typical behaviors. Therefore, today we will turn to the results of these studies and take a closer look at important points.

Psychology of family relations

Few things give such a sense of security, happiness and love as a good family relationship. Of course, feeling part of a warm and loving family is nice in and of itself. But healthy relationships within the family are important for other reasons as well:

• make children feel safe and give them the skills to build healthy relationships in the future
• trust and mutual support help to endure financial and other life difficulties more easily and successfully
• it has been proven that a favorable family atmosphere contributes to more successful business and increases the effectiveness of studies
• the support of loved ones allows you to successfully survive stress and cope with diseases, both somatic and mental

That is why it is always worth paying close attention to such an important thing as the psychology of family relations between wife and husband. Unfortunately, in an effort to make our life as a couple more comfortable, we often make mistakes that lead to deterioration in relationships. What are these mistakes?

1. Jealousy and excessive control of a partner. Marriage psychology research tells us that a lack of trust slowly lowers your self-esteem and leads to a loss of respect from your spouse.
2. Lack of personal space. The desire to participate in all areas of a partner's life leads to a gradual fading of interest and the accumulation of irritation. Sometimes you need a breath of fresh air, which can be your personal hobby or meeting with friends.
3. Permanent manipulations: dissatisfied look, offensive hints, blackmail with sex or anything else, just to get what you want. Try to abandon these destructive methods and act in the open. A sincere conversation with your spouse will show you how much easier and more enjoyable life together will become.
4. Lack of tolerance: if partners cling to every little thing and get annoyed by the slightest mistakes, then such relationships will not lead to good. Try to restrain your emotions and in most cases you will see that the incident was not worth the quarrel.

Talking about the problems of family life, it is impossible not to mention betrayal. People put different meanings into this word, but each time such situations lead to severe mental pain. In the confusion of feelings, impulses appear to take revenge and destroy everything around, but maybe it’s worth looking for another way? A painful breakup is not the only outcome. If you want to save the family, you can always try to restore the relationship.

Try not to forget about the traps in the psychology of relationships between spouses that poison family life. We all make mistakes from time to time, but that's okay. The main thing is to recognize them in time and prevent the consequences.

Psychology of a man in a relationship with his wife

We all know that men are different from women not only physically but also emotionally. These differences are visible at any stage of life and affect all aspects of life, including behavior in relationships and marriage. It is generally believed that the role of provider and protector is the natural role of a man. And although in the modern world such a model of behavior has long become not very clear and not always mandatory, most men adhere to it in their own way. This is not surprising, because the mentality has been formed for hundreds of years, and, despite the benefits of civilization, you can’t get rid of it so easily.

Women, on the one hand, like the personality of the "warrior", but on the other hand, they often complain about the lack of receptivity and sensitivity of the partner. For a long time, one of the distinguishing features of men was the ability to physically resolve conflicts, while women needed to be attentive to the external manifestations of emotions.

This in no way means that a modern man will fight for any reason or take something away. This is just a reminder that empathy and susceptibility to hints in men has always been not as developed as in women. The latter are much more skillful at interpreting facial expressions and other nuances of communication, while a man simply does not pay attention to them. Not because it doesn't matter to him, it's just that his psyche is arranged differently.

Nevertheless, it is important to see the line when the natural features of the male psyche turn into emotional abuse. Such harmful relationships can last for years, and prolonged pressure on the nervous system does not leave without losses. If you do not resist "vampirism", then the victim inevitably loses self-esteem and plunges into depression.

Thus, the psychology of the relationship of a man to a woman is rooted in the distant past. Fortunately, modernity has made it possible to smooth out all these nuances, and leave something behind altogether, but one should not forget about the peculiarities of the male psyche. Here are some simple tips to help a man add positive emotions to a relationship:

1. Don't skimp on compliments.
2. Be interested in her affairs, do not refuse to talk about topics that are of interest to her.
3. Take care not only in global issues, but also in small things.
4. Do not get carried away with total control of her life.

Women's psychology in relations with her husband

Women fantasize beforehand about what they want from marriage. Their expectations are more specific than those of men, which is why they are more often disappointed. They expect deep affection, tenderness, romance and comfort from marriage.

Women generally think about marriage more often than men about marriage. Some are worried why they have been together for several years, but there is still no offer. Believe me, it's not always the fact that your man does not love you. There can be many reasons, for example, he simply did not think about the fact that this is important to you.

The psychology of a woman's relationship with a man lies in the fact that she seeks to give him her love, beauty and care in the way she dreamed about it before marriage. In response, they expect support and attention, the absence of which they feel very subtly. Women more than men tend to wind themselves up needlessly for no good reason and, trying to improve the situation, resort to manipulation. In fact, everything can be solved much easier. Family life will become more pleasant if the fair sex does not forget the following tips:

1. Discuss problems and experiences directly and openly, start with the main thing.
2. Deservedly praise your man.
3. Think about what attracts a partner to you, and redirect your energy there.
4. Do not hold back negative emotions, tell your partner about your feelings.

Relationships in any case will bring us both joy and problems. All people are different, everyone has their own personality traits, both pleasant and not very. Husband and wife are two different parts of the same whole. Working on yourself and being ready to meet your loved one will help you avoid mistakes and unnecessary quarrels, but they will give you a strong and happy relationship.

Psychology of family relations studies problematic issues and situations that arise in the field of realization of personal aspirations, goals in family relationships. Almost everyone today is faced with the problems of maintaining and maintaining warm family relationships. It often happens that the longer the time of cohabitation of partners, the sharper the disagreements, conflicts, emotional reactions to each other. The family is the most important social institution that affects both the individual and society as a whole. It is characterized by a rather difficult relationship between two different individuals.

Family relationships

Each family is a small socio-psychological collective or group based on personal and trusting relationships between two spouses, their parents and children. Its structure, social activity, moral and psychological climate depend not only on conditions of a total nature, patterns and general circumstances, but also on specific situations that form a family.

The psychology of family relations depends on the circumstances in which the formed unit of society lives and functions. Among them, the level of education of both spouses, their culture, values, morality, traditions, places of residence, morality, etc. are distinguished. The ability of spouses to unite and consolidate depends on these conditions. They leave an indelible imprint on the nature of family relationships, determine the specifics of such relationships.

Problems in the family, the dynamics of relationships, the reasons for divorce, loneliness in family relationships, family education - these and other issues are studied by the psychology of the family and family relations.

The average family usually consists of 3-4 people. Its core is spouses and their children. Often newly formed families live together with the parents of one of the partners. Each member of the family is characterized by being in continuous interaction with the rest of its members, plays a certain role in the family, worries about meeting some of the needs of the family as a whole or individually, as well as the interests of society. The personal qualities of partners, the nature of their relationship, determine the specifics of the implementation of the functions inherent in the family and its appearance.

Communication interaction in the family ensures the purposefulness and coherence of the efforts of partners to achieve certain goals that are vital for the family, to meet the individual need of a person in spiritual unity with a loved one. Spiritual relationships of spouses are an integral part of intimate ones.

The family, in a broad sense, is a socio-economic unit of society, which is characterized by the joint maintenance of household life and the family budget, various kinds of services are consumed, the needs for food, housing, clothing, etc. are met. The implementation of this economic function lies with both spouses . Deep mastery of the chosen professions guarantees stable wages to partners, and material wealth to the family.

Cultural leisure and education are the most important functions of the cell of society. Family leisure consists in creating a special atmosphere of warmth that allows the individual to fully open up and realize himself. The educational function is to take care of children and the older generation. It is on family upbringing that the child will grow up and whether he will be able to fully develop his personality and realize himself. It is also the responsibility of parents to protect the interests and rights of children, to take care of their spiritual, physical and mental development.

The psychology of family relations, as science notes, that with the progressive development of civilization, a number of disturbing trends are observed that indicate destructive circumstances in family life affecting marital and parent-child relationships. Such negative trends are associated with socio-economic circumstances: instability of the social system, employment problems, low living standards, changes in the traditional role structure of the family and the division of functions between partners.

The number of dysfunctional families has sharply increased, which are characterized by one of the partners or both (alcoholism, drug addiction,), a disorder of communication interaction, unsatisfied needs of partners for love, respect and recognition. All this causes a sharp increase in emotional and personality disorders of individuals, tension, anxiety, depressive states, loss of a sense of love, impaired personal growth.

Another no less alarming trend is the decline in the birth rate and the increase in the number of families with one child, which leads to a violation of the communicative competence of children who grow up in such families. The increase in the number of divorces is also a serious problem in modern society.

The psychology of family relations is designed to solve these problems, help spouses interact competently in family relationships, and show how healthy family relationships should develop after the birth of a child.

There is the following classification of behavior in the marriage of partners, proposed by Seiger:

- equal behavior is characterized by the expectation of equal duties and rights;

- romantic behavior is characterized by the expectation of spiritual harmony, strong love, sentimentality;

- parental behavior is characterized by the pleasure of taking care of another partner, educating him;

- children's behavior is characterized by the introduction of spontaneity, joy and spontaneity into marital relations, but along with this acquisition of power over another partner through the manifestation of helplessness and weakness;

- rational behavior is characterized by monitoring the manifestation of emotions, feelings, while accurately observing the rights and obligations of each other, responsibility and sobriety in evaluation;

- comradely behavior is characterized by the desire to become an ally to the spouse and the search for the same partner. The comradely type of spouse does not pretend to romantic feelings and perceives the everyday hardships of family relationships as inevitable;

- independent behavior is characterized by maintaining a certain distance in marriage relative to your partner.

There is also a classification of marriage profiles: complementary, meta-complementary and symmetrical profile.

In a symmetrical marriage, both partners have equal rights and obligations, no one is subordinate to the other. All problems in such a marriage are resolved through agreement or compromise.

In a complementary marriage, one partner always dominates, and the second obeys, waiting for instructions.

In a meta-complementary marriage, a dominant position is reached by a partner who achieves his goals by emphasizing his own weaknesses, ineptitude or impotence, while manipulating the partner with the help of such behavior.

Each family, regardless of the manner of building relationships, has certain crises of family relations over the years.

The psychology of family relations is aimed at helping people overcome such crises without loss for themselves, it teaches individuals how to diversify modern family relations in order to avoid divorce.

Family law relations

Family legal relations are called property or non-property relationships, due to family law and regulated by family law, in rare cases, civil law. In family law relations, all participants in the process are legally interconnected by the presence of common subjective duties and rights. They arise as a result of the influence of family law on social relations.

Family legal relations of a different nature can be regulated, in addition to the norms of family law, by other branches of law. Based on the content of family legal relations, they can be divided into personal and property.

Depending on the specifics of the content, they are divided into marital and parental. If we take the subject composition as a basis, then family legal relations are divided into complex and simple. Complex legal relations, which consist of three participants in the process, in turn, are divided into relationships between parents and their adult children, parents and their minor children. Simple relationships are those that consist of two participants, and are between two spouses and between former spouses.

Based on the division of rights and obligations, family legal relations are differentiated into unilateral and bilateral.

By the extent to which family legal relations are individualized, they are relative and absolute. Relative - this is when absolutely all participants in the process are identified by name. Absolute - only one side of legal relations is individualized.

Based on the presence of public interest, family law relations are divided into imperatively regulated and relations characterized by public interest and the absence of such interest.

Legal relations regulated imperatively are observed during adoption. Legal relations characterized by public interest are observed in alimony relations. In such relations, the exercise of rights and obligations, the initiative of protection belongs to the participants in the process. Relations characterized by the absence of public interest are realized only on a dispositive basis.

Personal legal relations between all family members are considered to be the main ones in family law. It is they, for the most part, that determine the content of property family law relations. Based on this, it should be concluded that the content of family legal relations includes the rights and obligations of absolutely all subjects of such legal relations. The specification of rights and obligations, their scope are contained in the rules of family law, which regulate family relationships, such as the conclusion of a marriage union and its termination, personal and property relationships between partners, maintenance relationships between all family members, between parents and children, between adoptive parents and adopted children. and so on.

The subjects of family law relations are their participants, who have family rights and bear obligations.

In order to differentiate family legal relations from family relations that are not regulated by the rule of law, on the one hand, and on the other, from other legal relations, their following specific features should be distinguished. First, absolutely all family-legal relations are of a continuing nature. The second is that personal non-property family relationships are decisive and express a significant impact on property relations not by number, but by significance. Thirdly, family-legal relations stem from family relationships that are listed in the legislation, this is what the subject composition of the participants in the process intends.

Family-law relations are considered only legal relations between members of the same family. Other legal relations are administrative-legal or procedural. Regarding the relationship between individuals who only intend to marry, but have not yet registered it, it is generally accepted that no legal relationship arises between them at all.

Marriage and family relations

Marriage and family relations are a rather complex structure of modern society. According to official statistics, more than half of recorded marriages fail. However, it is difficult to name specific problems of marital relationships, because. Every family has its own reasons for divorce.

There are several main types of marriage and family relationships. Depending on the type of relations established in the newly formed family, one can judge the duration of the marriage, family relations, and how the formed unit of society will develop.

The psychology of family relations, based on family experience, divides marriage unions into newlyweds, a young family, a family expecting a child, a middle-aged family, older and older marital ages.

Newlyweds are individuals who are in euphoria after the wedding celebration, they still do not know what pitfalls await them on the path of living together and do not think that someday they will face the question “how to improve family relations”.

A young family is characterized by the understanding that love alone is not enough to build a strong marriage, that care, trust and mutual understanding are important in relationships.

The family in anticipation of the first child is characterized by serious changes in relationships, the formation of a new way of life.

Family relationships of middle age (about 10 years together) are characterized by the emergence of routine, all sorts of conflicts. This period is the need to revise the usual way of life and add new joint interests to it in order to preserve the family and previous relationships. Here the question “how to diversify family relations” becomes relevant.

The older family is characterized by the coming to the fore of joint interests and the ability to negotiate.

An elderly family is characterized by the appearance of grandchildren, a second wind opens up, a new interest appears - interest in grandchildren.

Depending on the number of children, families are childless (about 16% of all families), one-child (50%), small children (2 children) and large families (more than 2 children).

Based on their qualities of family relationships, marriages are stable, prosperous, conflict, problematic and socially disadvantaged. Also, families are complete and incomplete (absent for some reason one of the parents).

The psychology of family relations highlights some factors that have a destructive effect on marriage and family relations. These include:

- conflict relationships or family breakdown of the parents of one of the partners or both;

- living together with parents in their living space;

- interference of parents in the relationship of spouses;

- the use either by both partners, or by one of them of alcoholic beverages, drugs;

- numerous betrayals and lack of trust;

- any addictions of a negative nature of both of the spouses or one (for example, craving for gambling);

- forced separation of partners (for example, rotational work or long business trips);

- excessive professional employment of the wife (such a family is called "bicareer");

- early or late marriage;

- marriage "by flight" (such a marriage is called "stimulated");

- the birth of the first child in the first 1-2 years of marriage;

- high conflict level of both partners;

- the inability to have children for any reason or the infertility of one of the partners;

- physical exhaustion or constant overload due to study or work;

- excessive selfishness of one or both partners;

- unrealistic expectations.

How to improve family relationships? This question has been worrying psychologists, sociologists and ordinary people who are getting married for decades. To save relationships, you should discuss them together, initially distribute responsibilities, determine all “possible” and “impossible”, not involve other people in relationships (whether relatives or not). There is an opinion that as soon as family problems become the property of society, the family begins to crumble at an accelerated pace.

The psychology of family relations notes that any family relationship has certain crises over the years, which occur at certain intervals. The first crisis occurs in the first year of the life of the newlyweds, the next in the third, then in the fifth, seventh, tenth, and then every 10 years.

Family relationship crises

Scientists have established the fact that people who marry by mutual agreement, and not by love, are much easier to overcome the crises of family life.

The birth of a family or the crisis of the first year of marriage of spouses. Probably, every person, at least once in his life, wondered why all fairy tales end with the wedding of the main characters and not one of them tells about their future life together. This is due to the fact that after a wedding celebration, after some time, difficulties are just beginning. Two completely different creatures, one of which is a man and the other a woman, begin to live under the same roof and run a joint household. With all this, each of them is already accustomed to a certain way of life. And although this stage is always characterized by an enthusiastic attitude, it often ends in disappointment, as expectations were not realized. However, if the partners consciously and deliberately made the decision to marry, there will be no particular difficulties in the first year of marriage. In this period, you should learn to talk with a partner, listen to him and hear. This period is always characterized by grinding partners to each other. Rose-colored glasses gradually disappear through the prism of which we saw the spouse, and it turns out that he is not at all ideal, but an ordinary person with his weaknesses, shortcomings and virtues.

For some couples, the crisis does not occur in the first year of life, but already in the third. It all depends on the individual character traits of the spouses, on the behavior of the parental families. In this period, you need to learn to respect your partner, and also to realize that all people have flaws, that the ideal ones simply do not exist. Although family problems in a relationship exist inseparably from each other, there are still no insurmountable obstacles in the way of two loving hearts.

The crisis of five years is characterized by the appearance of the first child in the family. Both parents are extremely happy about this, but they were far from imagining everything related to caring for the baby. This period is characterized by chronic sleep deprivation. Along with this, a man suffers from a lack of attention and affection from his wife, and a woman suffers from a riot of hormones that make a previously calm and reasonable lady transform into a vixen.

Family relationships after the birth of a child are among the most difficult, they show some alienation and cooling of partners towards each other. During this period, it is recommended to involve grandmothers or qualified nannies in the upbringing of the baby. It is necessary to distribute responsibilities so that a woman can rest. Caring for the baby should be the responsibility of both parents, and not just the woman.

The next crisis occurs in the seventh year of the partners' life together. These two significant dates are considered one of the most difficult periods of family life. The child is already old enough to be sent to kindergarten. The woman, feeling like a driven horse, who saw nothing but the kitchen, strives to go to work. It doesn't matter which one, as long as you don't sit at home. However, household chores remain a heavy burden on her shoulders. With employment, she will have to combine not only life, caring for her husband and child, but also her new job. At this stage, a compromise must be sought precisely by the strong half.

Ten years of living together is characterized by well-established life, intimate and spiritual relationships, communication, work. At this stage, the woman becomes the party initiating the divorce more often. The spouses were already fed up, and a little tired of each other. Most husbands complain that their wives stopped sharing their hobbies with him, began to ignore romantic impulses, which leads to the appearance of connections on the side. Young mistresses allow men to feel like young conquering hunters again. However, with all this, men do not even think about divorce. With the threat of exposing a vicious relationship, he easily breaks up with his mistress in order to start a new one after a while. For men, it is quite difficult to destroy an established life, a comfortable lifestyle, a family. They too appreciate their strength, which they spent on creating a family. In this period, you need to understand, be aware of the problems that have arisen and throw all your strength into the fight against monotony and monotony in order to save the family.

The psychology of family relations notes that the next crisis is associated with the maturation of children. They are already quite adults, they have their own interests, they no longer need parental care so much. An empty house in an instant causes a feeling of loss, uselessness, uselessness, emptiness and many other similar emotions. In order to take control over them, you should soberly assess the situation that has arisen and do everything possible to extract maximum satisfaction from it. First, you need to understand that life does not end with the departure of children from home. On the contrary, it opens up new opportunities for personal realization. Also, this period is characterized by the feeling that everything has been achieved in professional activity and there is nowhere to strive further.

How to diversify family relationships? At this stage, you need to try to find new life tasks and re-learn how to live with each other. You need to understand that maintaining relationships is everyday hard and hard work, which should have a joint focus. This means that the family will survive only if both spouses want it together and jointly direct efforts to achieve the goal.

Family relationships and problems at this stage are to rethink your attitude towards others and your partner. Psychologists give several general models of behavior in the event of a crisis. First, you should never, as they say, "bite the bit." Compromise is the ideal way out of any problematic situation. Secondly, under no circumstances should you insult your partner as a person. If you blame your spouse for something, then you should avoid wording such as "you always ...". It’s better to stick to phrases like “I feel bad when you…”, “I feel sad to spend my evenings without you”, etc. Any conflicts should be resolved without outsiders. Thirdly, each of the spouses should have personal space. Fourth, try to show interest in each other's hobbies.

The psychology of family relationships emphasizes that a crisis in relationships, regardless of when it came, is another step forward, an opportunity to go beyond the boundaries of previous relationships.

A crisis in relationships is helping partners to realize not only the negative, but also the good, valuable that will unite and connect them. But the breakup of the family is a consequence of an incorrectly passed crisis. Never demand or insist on anything. Try to support your partner in everything. Don't sacrifice yourself for your spouse. And even more so, you should not reproach your partner with what you did for him, but he did not appreciate it. Remember, after all, you made sacrifices consciously, no one asked you about it.

The most important thing for overcoming any crises of family life is never to hush up a problem situation. We need to learn how to communicate with each other the current situation. The position of the ostrich will not work here. If you do not look for a way out of problem situations, the problems will only get worse. Do not think that the crisis itself has come and will go away.

Sometimes it is not superfluous to take a break from each other. Many psychologists believe that even passionately loving people should spend at least two weeks a year separately from each other. If there is a desire to maintain a relationship, and it is not possible to overcome a heap of problems that have fallen on your own, then you can seek professional psychological help.

On the other hand, if problems cannot be solved, maybe you need to look at the situation from a different angle? Ask yourself the question: is this woman (man) really suitable for you. And give yourself an honest answer to it.