Indifference of parents as a possible source of aggression towards children. Consultation (grade 4) on the topic: Open parent meeting "Indifference as a negative factor in raising a child"

Recently, the problem of indifference, especially the indifference of parents to children, has become increasingly relevant. The reason for this is expanding in scale and becoming more and more sophisticated, harming not only physical well-being, but also. The most difficult for social assessment and control can be considered psychological abuse, which is often masked by the process of education. The indifference of parents with good reason can be attributed to a variety of psychological abuse.
Indifference is a category that has not been sufficiently studied in. Based on domestic and foreign studies, we considered indifference as a lack of emotional sensitivity in relation to the actual needs and experiences of another person, combined with a refusal to help him in a critical situation.

The purpose of our study is to determine the role of indifference in the aggressive behavior of parents towards children. The study involved 30 parents of students in the second grade of one of the comprehensive schools. The sample was represented mainly by mothers aged 25 to 40 years.

To solve the set research tasks, special methodological tools were developed and selected to identify the indifference of parents to the needs of the child, as well as their tendency to aggression, hostility towards children.

In the study of understanding the problems of the child and sensitivity to his needs, it was possible to establish that the parents participating in the study are distinguished by a rational attitude towards their own children. Understanding by parents of the needs and experiences of the child prevails over sensitivity to his needs.

The parents surveyed by us are not inclined to the conscious use of physical violence as an educational tool. Most of the parents evaluate the experiences of children during punishment as negative. They perceive the situation of punishment as a suppressive person. However, it is not uncommon for parents to experience negative emotions towards their child and manifest them in the form of irritability and verbal aggression. If parents are annoyed by the behavior of the child, then they tend to use verbal aggression as an emotional release. And the more they punish the child, the more they get annoyed and scream.

It is important that the parents who punish the child remain indifferent to his experiences and to the consequences of their punishment. Parental incompetence, expressed in insufficient understanding of the motives of the child's behavior and emotional experiences, leads to indifference. The opposite should also be taken into account: the more parents experience indifference, the more often they resort to physical punishment and the more pronounced parental incompetence.

The results of factor analysis showed the relationship between the manifestations of aggression of parents, their tendency to indifference as a misunderstanding of the psychological characteristics of their child and the reasons for his behavior.

The “goodwill” factor suggests that the more harmonious the personality of the parents, the less aggressive and prone to violence against the child. Such parents are more prone to feelings if they punish the child.

The “indifference of parents” factor reflects the insensitivity of parents to the experiences and needs of their children. The parental orientation to self-affirmation and recognition prevails. By punishing children, some parents first of all satisfy the need for self-affirmation. The “parental psychological protection” factor shows that parents accept their child, enjoy communicating with him mainly when they buy him some things. They believe that by doing so they satisfy his needs.

As our study showed, parents with a high level of indifference are characterized by reduced empathy. They do not enjoy communicating with the child, do not feel and do not understand his needs. At the same time, they themselves need bodily and spiritual comfort. Parents with a low level of indifference are people-oriented. They are empathic and open in communication. They are characterized by high sensitivity to children's needs.

Thus, it should be recognized that the study of indifference is an important and urgent problem, since insensitivity to the needs of the child can become a risk factor for maladaptive behavior in children.

Posokhova S. T., Fomenko S. V.

Xenia Chuzha

- It's better not to talk to your daughter than to yell at her, venting your anger after a day's work. - This is how one prosperous mother explained to the school psychologist when it came to inattention to the child. She just didn't know how it ends parental indifference.

And the consequences of such relationships in the family can be unexpected. The most terrible ending is the suicide of a child. Parental indifference, especially during puberty, is perceived by children very sharply. Once feeling unnecessary, the child can “wind up” himself and decide that he has no place in this world. Given the fact that the number of suicides among children in Russia is increasing every year, then this should be emphasized in the first place.

Another sad ending to the story - behind bars. 95% of criminals did not receive parental attention in childhood. Trying with the help of society to make up for the lack of attention, a person most often goes precisely through anti-social actions. It always provokes a reaction. And the criminal needs anything, but not the indifference that he was tired of even in his childhood.

The best option is problems in your personal life, low self-esteem and complexes.

But let's look at everything in order.

What does the child feel?

Watching how every day the parents deal with only their own issues, the child begins to be frustrated - to feel dissatisfaction with such a situation. Frustration is directly related to aggression, stress and tears (according to psychologist Gordon Neufeld).

Consequently, it will be either an increase in aggressiveness (including auto-aggression), or a state of depression, depression, or the same indifference.

In his book Aggression: Causes, Consequences, and Control, Leonard Berkowitz points out that children are more aggressive in parents who treat them coldly. If, at the same time, parents have low self-esteem and inconstancy in education, then aggression can eventually acquire an antisocial color.

Parental indifference. What are the children doing?

In parallel, the child begins to act to change the situation. Not having enough life experience, he instinctively does what his character tells him.

The child believes that he is to blame

Many children are looking for the causes of parental indifference in themselves, they are immersed in their own, still unformed spiritual world. Children's self-esteem is not stable. The attitude of parents is very important in its formation. Most often, it is she who suffers if dad and mom are indifferent. “They don’t need me,” the child feels. “Therefore, I am worthless, unworthy of good things.” Thus, the mechanism of underestimation of oneself and alienation from parents is launched. The consequences may be different.

A child can be influenced by more confident guys and do what they do, no matter if it's good or bad. The main thing is that they notice him. Or it can close in itself and direct all the negativity towards itself, thereby developing a huge number of complexes.

child looking for attention

To change the situation, he subconsciously begins to provoke his parents to see him. Most often, provocations consist in "bad" deeds, tantrums and inexplicable new habits. The child intuitively feels that it is precisely this behavior that must necessarily cause a reaction from dad and mom.

If, over time, parents do not correct the mistake and do not begin to pay more attention to communication, then this behavior of the child becomes habitual both for him and for the environment. The label is hung, the fate is determined.

The child imitates the behavior of the parents

Authority plays no role in this. Most children whose parents did not pay due attention to them behave the same way with their sons and daughters. And often, even if they want to be the best, they cannot realize this desire. Why?

Each person gets the experience of family relationships in the parental home. He transfers this experience to his family subconsciously and behaves the way his father and mother did. In order for the behavior model to be different, one must either work with a psychotherapist, or observe for a long time other, more open and attentive relationships between relatives.

In addition, there are cases when children do not want to visit or help their elderly parents, because they hold a grudge that mom and dad were indifferent to children's needs.

Main mistake

Some parents mistakenly believe that material support is their main obligation to their children, and let them build life themselves, learn, make and correct mistakes. Such "will" is nothing but indifference. It is often the cause of "childish ingratitude" in response to a well-fed, dressed, shod childhood. But without affection and due attention, all this has no value in the eyes of the child.

- Let's not go to Goa, let's not buy me a new pair of boots, and there will be no gifts for my birthday. Just so my mom can spend more time with me. To not come home late and be silent. - And so says the daughter of the mother, whom we mentioned at the beginning of the article.

There is a good phrase about this: spend twice as much time on children and half as much money if you want to raise them happy. Because often those parents who spend too much money on children subconsciously try to “pay off” from them - it’s simply easier for them to pay than to spend part of their mental strength and time on a child.

conclusions

But is it really that scary parental indifference? It still depends on related factors, such as: the severity of upbringing, the consistency of parental actions and behavior, the presence of close relatives that can affect the child, temperament, age and character of the child.

All this can make the situation worse or easier. By itself, such an attitude does not always lead, for example, to antisocial behavior. But parental indifference in any case, it will leave its not the best mark in the psyche of the child.

This will introduce certain difficulties in the ability to contact people, especially close ones (future family). Therefore, we would advise parents who read these lines to communicate with their children and take an active interest in their lives. There is nothing more important for a person and his destiny than the attitude of parents towards him in childhood. This is the foundation. And no good house can stand on a bad foundation. Love your children so that they see and feel your love.

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The role of a man in the family has changed markedly, and in many homes it is reduced only to the function of a breadwinner. After daily labor exploits, a characteristic “splash” is heard in the area of ​​\u200b\u200bthe sofa. Everyone: dad is tired. What lies behind such alienation? A lot, and the desire to relax is far from the first place ...

Paternal stereotypes

Dads have a lot of good "reasons" for "twisting" from communicating with a child. Some are afraid of children because they simply do not know how to communicate with them. This gap can be filled with the help of pedagogical and psychological literature and communication with other unlucky or problematic dads.

Alas, such attempts are not made by everyone. Because of laziness, fear of being unsuccessful, or a common stereotype that it is indecent for men to love children. The father is only credited with the role of the bull-inseminator and earner of banknotes. Adherents of this delusion tend to portray solidity. They are afraid to look ridiculous and do not allow themselves to relax to play with children.

But, if the ability of the pope to become a child for a while, in general, is good for his children, then active stuck in childhood (infantilism) does not contribute to the emotional rapprochement between the father and the heir. Infantilism is manifested in the fact that a man is jealous of a child for his wife, competing with him for her attention.

mom mistakes

Nevertheless, the experience of psychologists shows that authoritarian wives are often to blame for the indifference of the father to the child.

Typically. Remember: how many times have you not allowed your husband to severely punish a capricious who has been at fault, standing up for his defense? It is not surprising that a man ceases to be interested in education, referring to workload and fatigue.

Logically. Even if you do not agree with the opinion of your husband, try not to cancel his decisions. Return to this issue in a more relaxed atmosphere, in private.

Typically. Usually, fathers are "called" only for "dirty work", when you need to take a product of the leather industry in your hand and punish their offspring with it. Thus, wives make a scarecrow out of their father. “If you don’t listen, I’ll tell dad everything!” - the mother threatens the naughty kid, freeing herself from the unpleasant mission of the punisher. The father, in turn, takes on this function with pleasure: this is a truly masculine occupation, and we will educate and increase our authority (father believes). But in fact, after a "harmonious" interaction, the father is perceived only as a source of punishment, often unfair.

Logically. No need to call the father specifically for punishment. For misconduct committed in your presence, punish yourself so that the child does not perceive dad as a professional executioner.

Typically. Be careful with irony. Children cannot always catch its shades, but they can easily adopt the habit of laughing at their father.

Logically. When criticizing children, do not say phrases like: “All in daddy”, and do not complain about your husband in the presence of children, because they always want to see him as a hero, and your reckless statements make them suffer.

Great. With your actions, you can add a little shine to the head of the family. For example, don't miss the opportunity to say, "I'll ask my dad" or "Only my father would know." More often with children, thank your husband for purchases, gifts, attention. And also tell them about the youthful deeds of the future father, because in the eyes of a son or daughter they have a heroic halo.

The Importance of Being

Oddly enough, but by his mere presence in the house, a man solves several important psychological problems.

Statistically, fear of the outside world is one of the main sources of neurosis in modern children. The father is a strong man, ready to help. The mother cannot fully cope with this role, because the female subconscious has something else: not to fight, but to create a comfortable state. So the father, by his very presence, gives the children a sense of security.

Nobody canceled the instinct of the pack, which means that subconsciously we want to have a "leader" - the main, indisputable authority. The most powerful argument in a children's argument is often the words: "That's what my dad said!"

They say that a girl does not really need a father, they say, she learns to be feminine, imitating her mother. But for whom is the mother trying? First of all, for the father. Boys, on the other hand, involuntarily imitate their parent, implicitly understanding how important it is to be courageous and clearly understand the consequences of their actions. This science is comprehended by them not in adolescence, as many people think, but at 4-6 years old.

By belittling or underestimating the role of the father, women prevent children from realizing their need for authority. However, the child will seek it at any cost. But that's where he will go in his search: in a dubious company? It is better to elevate your own father a little from the very beginning than to deal with an uncontrollable teenager later.

Test: Bad or good father

To look at your husband through the eyes of a child and compare his opinion with yours, answer these questions in turn: first yourself, then the baby. One point is awarded for each positive answer.

1. Does your child like to spend time with his father?

2. Does he tell his friends about his dad?

3. Do your children like walking, visiting with him?

4. Is there a thing they especially enjoy doing with their dad?

5. Do you think that the child is proud of his father?

6. Have you noticed that your children like it when their father teaches them something?

7. Does dad talk to the kids about their business and friends?

8. Does the father often praise the child?

9. Does your child like to cuddle with dad?

10. Do you think that the husband is too strict with the child?

11. Do your children often take offense at their father?

12. Does dad pay attention to the appearance of the child?

13. Do you think that a father wants to be an example to his children?

Key to the test

If the difference between the points scored in the two tests does not exceed 4: you feel the child's mood well, and you have no contradictions with him in relation to the father.

If you scored 4 or more points more: your husband means little to the baby. This result is a reason to think: how does the child relate to the mother?

Your child scored 4 or more points more: you underestimate the degree of attachment of the child to the father. Maybe your husband has some positive qualities that you do not notice?

Vasya Kasatkina

anonymously

Hello, I really look forward to your help, since I really don’t have money to turn to a specialist. I think I have a mental illness. To be honest, I don’t even know where to start, because absolutely everything is falling apart in my head. I gave birth to a child 7 months ago from a man with whom I broke off relations repeatedly and we reunited only for this reason. I know that it will sound disgusting, but I gave birth because - 1. Tired of working, I wanted to relax.2. I wanted a new apartment, which I got in the fastest way. 3. I wanted to get easy money. I received all this, but in betrayal I also have a child whom I now hate, and at times, thank God, I feel a sense of indifference. often thoughts appear in my head about how to put him and even if he disappeared altogether it would be great. I hate his op and scream. He annoys me. She beat him in the ass with great pleasure. In general, it gives pleasure when he feels bad. I don’t want to spend a penny of money on him, I don’t want to feed him and dress him and talk about him in principle. I never liked children, moreover I hated them. I hoped that everything would change and the maternal instinct would still wake up. Alas, no - it is missing. I hate my common-law husband because he's just him :) stupid but true. because there could be someone else in his place. He is a wonderful person that every girl dreams of, to be honest, I don’t understand at all for what kind of merits they gave him to me? I said that I would endure this for 5 years if everything remains the same, I kick him out, and together with the child, without him he won’t even take a step out of my apartment. By the way, I’ve already tried to kick them out, but it doesn’t go away. And I myself have nowhere to go and I live in a dead end. He has decent parents. In general, the prince from a fairy tale, but I can not stand him. after giving birth, I became terrible and swollen, no matter what I do, nothing helps, that is, I regard it all from the position that now I can never leave them anywhere, since I don’t want to be alone either, I love male attention In general, the appearance is spoiled, the husband and child are indifferent, there is no finance. Every day the same thing happens, life is boring and monotonous. I have already tried to ask myself a question - HERE you will expel and what will happen?? what kind of happiness is that? but no - I can’t find the answer either. Probably my favorite irresponsibility in relation to people only, I don’t give a damn about everyone. I always wanted to live freely - earn money and spend it on pleasure and fun and nothing else. I have a good job and position. And these two I hung around my neck with a heavy peasant. In general, here I am such a creature. Tell me please am I going crazy? Or I'm depressed. Because I am a kind person. but you can't say that from this letter.

Hello, yes, it looks like you really drove yourself into some kind of nightmare. Let's do it. First. You go to the doctors and examine your nervous system - a neuropathologist, your puffiness -, a gynecologist, an endocrinologist, check your kidneys and bladder. Now the second. About your attitude to the child. Is the child healthy? Why is he screaming? And why do you hate him so much? And third. Where are your relatives - relatives - friends - girlfriends in this whole situation? It feels like you, all alone, have become embittered at the whole wide world - but it hits the closest ones most of all ... How old are you? What did you do in child's care? What has brought you joy and comfort from sorrows in life? Will you write me a little about this too? Only in terms of volume, the maximum is the same as in your first letter, I can’t do more, alas)

There is a sad statistic: more than 90% of criminals in places of deprivation of liberty did not receive attention and care from their parents at a young age.

It is not necessary, of course, that a child deprived of affection will eventually turn into a criminal, an alcoholic or a drug addict. But such problems as low self-esteem, problems in his personal life and many complexes will be provided to him. Moreover, the indifferent or insufficient upbringing of the child does not depend on the social status, education or the presence of addictions in the parents.

What are the main reasons for this attitude towards children?

• Lack of the hormone prolactin in the body, which is responsible for the maternal instinct. In single mothers, against the background of difficult living conditions, similar physiological features may occur.
• Parents themselves grew up in an atmosphere of indifference. For them, this is the norm, and they do not understand how to behave differently. Trainings for parents, consultations with psychologists can help in such a situation.
• Pathological addiction, for example, gambling or drug addiction, alcoholism. In such families, either the moral hardening of the child takes place, and he grows up as a strong personality, but more often he simply repeats the path of his parents.
• Workload. Many parents strive to provide their child with the maximum of material wealth, believing that this is the only thing their duties to the child are. At the same time, they simply do not have enough time for emotional closeness with the child and joint activities.
• Children who grow up without proper parental involvement often have problems with life in society. They are often aggressive towards others and towards themselves, suicidal. To prevent this, you just need to love your child, support him in difficult times and spend as much time with him as possible.