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How to live with mother-in-law: even the worst peace is better than any war. Should you live with your mother-in-law?

A daughter-in-law often has to wonder how to live with her mother-in-law in the same house, without quarreling.

Help with this advice from psychologists.

Life under one roof - psychology

You moved into your mother-in-law's house - and here there will almost certainly be problems especially the first time.

Mother-in-law is on her territory. She feels like the mistress of the house. There are her rules.
The mother-in-law got used to a certain rhythm of life, and the young couple disturbs the prevailing atmosphere.
Two mistresses Difficulty living in the same kitchen. Most likely, the mother-in-law will be critical of the daughter-in-law. Perhaps she thinks she wants to do good by giving advice, not always realizing that this can annoy her son's wife.
Most of the husband's mothers unhappy bride. This is due primarily to jealousy, the fact that the son no longer belongs completely to her.
The ability and desire of both parties is important compromise.

It often happens that the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law try to interfere with their man, hoping for his support.

He is forced to be between two fires, loving both women, and it is difficult for him to take one side without offending the other.

How to get along in one apartment?

A few simple rules help make life easier:

To take a break from the constant presence of your mother-in-law, spend time with your husband together - rest, restaurants, walks in nature.

How to find a common language?

Your mother-in-law has a lot of knowledge, and you may well learn from her this experience. Ask her to teach you how to cook some delicious dish. She will be pleased that you ask her advice.

If you have just moved into an apartment, do not immediately begin to actively defend your rights, let your mother-in-law get used to the fact that you now live in their house.

However, it is important to make it clear that you are now complete family member, you and your husband have a personal space, in which it is not always correct to interfere.

Joint business unites. Offer your help in cleaning, rolling vegetables, in the country.

If you live together, then you will have to help your mother-in-law with the housework, since now you are a full-fledged member of the family and live together.

The mother-in-law is a mother who loves her son, and like any mother, she experiences, because now another woman has captured his attention.

She will have to put up with with the presence of a daughter-in-law, but this does not always happen. Some mothers do not want to compromise, accept their son's wife, and no action, no attempt to establish contact helps.

How to tolerate my husband's mother?

Annoying mother-in-law, we live together: what to do? Your job is first and foremost learn to deal with your own emotions. The other person is not responsible for your state and mood, just as you are not responsible for his feelings.

Try to disengage if your mother-in-law constantly pesters you. In the end, you are not obliged to respond to her accusations, screams, complaints. You can pretend to listen, but it is not necessary to perceive and memorize information at all.

It is likely that without meeting an answer and resistance, the woman herself will soften after a while and wants to make contact.

An excellent reception is to try to find in the mother-in-law. There is something positive in every person. Perhaps your mother-in-law is an excellent teacher or a good cook, or maybe she is a creative person.

Find positive qualities in her and then it will be easier to communicate. Ask her about the years of her youth, how she met her husband, let her tell about her son's childhood.

Good memories soften people. If you tune in to the same wavelength with your mother-in-law, it will be easier for you to find a common language.

Another way- build relationships as if you are employees working in the same territory. In this case, you do not need to show vivid emotions - joy or anger, you simply organize communication on a business basis.

You meet in the morning, have breakfast, solve joint issues, maintaining a business style of communication. Over time, relations can become more friendly, when the mother-in-law understands what her daughter-in-law is like, how successful she is in family life.

Learn to stand up for yourself. Once feeling weak, the mother-in-law will take advantage of this, and each time her pressure will increase. At the same time, she will begin to criticize you already openly, discredit you in front of her son, pointing out any of your shortcomings.

That is why it is important to build relationships with relatives from the first day of living together.

However, the ability to stand up for oneself does not mean scandals, high-pitched conversations.

On the contrary, your speech should be as calm and convincing as possible. Let your mother-in-law know exactly what you don't like and why. Be sure to include a reason and not just: I don't want to.

How to diversify family life? you will find on our website.

I can’t live with my mother-in-law: what should I do?

It also happens that conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law happen daily. It is no longer possible to live together - the husband, children, wife suffer. The mother-in-law in every possible way survives the daughter-in-law from the house, gets into relationships, trying to destroy them.

Trying to remain calm, to be patient, does not lead to anything. In this case, the most acceptable option is to move to another apartment.

The health of your family should be in the forefront, so if the situation is out of control, then it is better to find a separate accommodation. You can rent an apartment or take out a mortgage.

If you have been as calm and reasonable as possible all the time, then a tactical step would be to speak in raised tones.

One day, your emotions will heat up so much that you need to throw them out.

speak openly, what does not suit you, show your anger that has accumulated inside.

Tactics are not suitable for everyone - it is important to take into account the nature of the person and his possible reaction.

After such violent manifestations mother-in-law can finally reach that there are moments that you do not like.

A short and sharp conflict should be single and not develop into a habit.

How to convince a spouse to settle separately?

The husband does not want to move out from his mother - this is a big problem.

A woman wants to live with us: what to do?

The mother-in-law has decided to live with you, and of course you don't want that.

Such a desire most often arises in single women or those who want to completely control their son even after he has married.

What to do in this case:

let the son directly explain to the mother that this is impossible;
explain to her that you have your own rhythm, your own life, and you have the right to independence;
a young family should live separately from their parents - this is one of the factors of family happiness;
talk to your husband and say that you don’t mind if your mother comes to visit, but you don’t want her to live with you for specific reasons - these reasons must be voiced;
if the decision is made, and the husband’s mother moves in with you, try to calm down and think over the tactics of communicating with her - do not give her the opportunity to take power in your house into her own hands, immediately set boundaries.

How to survive it from our house?

If the mother-in-law appeared in your house and stayed there to live, set boundaries immediately.

Do not let her command you, change the arrangement of things in your house.

It is not necessary to roll up scandals, it is enough to calmly talk about what is here your territory and mistress you.

There are more stringent measures, for example, turn on loud music, go to bed late, invite guests often, that is, do everything so that the mother-in-law feels maximum discomfort.

The main thing is to do it in such a way as not to offend anyone, but at the same time make it clear to the person that he is superfluous in your house and does not fit into your lifestyle.

One of the correct ways is talk directly. You need to decide on a conversation, and it’s better if your husband supports you. Explain to the mother-in-law that you appreciate and respect her, but the young family wants to live separately.

In communication with the mother-in-law, the main thing is - be patient, remain calm and not react to provocations on her part.

How to get along with mother-in-law? Psychology and rules of behavior of the daughter-in-law:

Wedding, honeymoon, shared dreams lead to living with parents. The mother-in-law remembers that her boy is now not only her beloved son, but also her beloved husband.

Even if the husband's family received you well, it is worth knowing the rules of common residence.

1. Keep traditions.

You have invaded a new home and disrupted the life that has existed there for many years. Do not change the rules and habits of the family.

Honor formed traditions, follow them. This will show your upbringing and respect for new family members.

Do not follow absurd rules. Don't start a rebellion, make a quiet revolution, gradually introducing ideas.

2. Keep your distance.

Annoyed by prying eyes? From the very beginning, limit your personal space. Do not allow strangers into the room without knocking.

Do not turn a family corner for privacy into a courtyard- relationship with her husband will suffer.

Do not put off the remote question, the future coexistence depends on it. But do not forget that the daughter-in-law is not the mistress of the house, but a guest.

3. Maintain financial independence.

Prove that you are no longer children - you can take care of yourself. In case of urgent need, ask for a service or borrow an amount.

Having got a job, you can feel material power over the situation, meet less often with your husband's mother.

4. Respect the opinion of the mother-in-law.

Do not "poke" on the first day of dating. Show that you respect your mother-in-law and appreciate. Observe subordination, do not talk familiarly.

5. Share life.

There are two mistresses in one house - do not turn household duties into duties. Delimit the territory, remove your part.

It is worth introducing a cleaning regime, dividing duties by day. Instead of making your own schedule, try to show your husband's mother that she is the main scheduler.

6. Find common ground.

Find common topics of conversation. The two women will have something to talk about. Do not gossip and complain about your husband.

It is better to offer a joint hobby like shopping or a walk in the park in the evenings.

7. Pay attention.

Mother-in-law is a woman. Compliment your new roommate, but don't flatter. Give small gifts for no reason. Listen to the advice of the mother of the husband, it is not necessary to follow them.

8. Talk about her son.

Don't start the conversation in a negative way, especially on emotions after a quarrel. No mother wants to hear that she raised her child badly.

9. Analyze the situation.

Is it impossible to live next door? Mother-in-law annoying? Make a list of the mother-in-law's claims, try to discuss them in a calm atmosphere, arguing the arguments.

10. Do not conflict.

Husband's mom screams loudly and stamps her feet? Don't make it worse. If you are blown away, you should forget about friendly relations with the new mother.

11. Do not take out quarrels in public.

Don't tell your husband what a bad mother he has. In order for peace to reign in the family, do not discuss quarrels with friends, relatives. It is better to resolve disputes among themselves.

Separate living space. Do not huddle in a crowd in a odnushka, start an independent life.
No need to run to the bank and take out a mortgage tomorrow, rent an apartment or find out how to get a dorm room.
Humble yourself. Accept the mother-in-law with all the whims and tantrums. The situation is unbearable, what can not be tolerated? Discuss with your husband the option of living separately.
She is the head of the family. Don't deny the experience, the dominance of the new mom. By undermining her authority, you will worsen the situation.
Mother-in-law is not a mother. It is good if the mother of the husband is warmly related to the daughter-in-law. But the closer your relationship, the greater the dose of moralizing.
« She doesn't let us live normally.! Never complain about your mother-in-law, do not blame all the problems in your marriage.
Solve problems with your husband. On the advice of psychologists, it is necessary to intervene in the "women's showdown". Sometimes a view from the outside helps to resolve a conflict situation.

Pros and cons of such a residence

Is it terrible to live with your husband's mother? Tears, divorce, children in half? Compare the pros and cons of living together, look for a way out of this situation.

№	Minuses	pros
1. Two mistresses under one roof	There are problems with the distribution of labor	Two housewives - less housework. You can not worry that your beloved husband will remain hungry
2. Division of territory	There is a constant clash of opinions, the rules of common residence are forcibly imposed	Parents provide financial assistance, no need to pay rent
3. Presence of the mother-in-law	There is no way to be alone with her husband, tired of hiding and kissing in the corners	Husband's mother will help with childcare and housework
4. Interesting tips	The mother-in-law tries to impose an opinion	Sometimes mom really suggests ways to solve a problem.

In any situation, you can find a way out. If you have problems with the distribution of labor, it is worth making a cleaning schedule. The method will save time and nerves.
My home, my rules. Parental law. Not satisfied with the laws of common residence? Express your opinion, arguing disagreement.
Restaurants have not been canceled! Hint to your husband that you want to spend time together, retire at least for a few hours.
Sometimes Old Generation Advice Is Really Helpful. Before you refuse to follow your mother-in-law's instructions, listen carefully. The more you communicate, the faster you will get along.

Useful video

How to get along with mother-in-law?

Marrying a beloved and loving man, you should not expect that his parents will immediately be imbued with tender feelings for you. First of all, this concerns the mother of the spouse, who cannot help but feel jealous of the “invader”, even being a smart and self-sufficient woman. Trying to get along with the mother-in-law, one should not expect love from her. People who suddenly become relatives in the eyes of the law are not at all obliged to treat each other warmly.

Not only those who immediately count on love are mistaken, but also those who actively try to earn it. A deliberate demonstration of one's own talents and virtues will not help to achieve the goal. A respectful attitude on the part of the daughter-in-law will be appreciated by the mother-in-law more than, for example, the ability to cook well.

New family rules

How to get along with the mother-in-law in one apartment? The daughter-in-law must understand that she is actually invading someone else's house, in which there are long-established traditions. Some of them may seem strange and redundant, but this will have to be accepted in order to avoid conflicts. If, say, joint meals are accepted in the family, you should not defiantly ignore them, have dinner in your room.

This does not mean that the newlywed should completely abandon their own habits, views on the coexistence of family members. The main thing is to carry out "reforms" gradually, refraining from sudden changes. In this case, the chances are high that the husband's mother will agree to meet halfway. Otherwise, you can limit innovations in the territory of your personal room, and give the mother-in-law all the remaining space.

Permissible limits

How to get along with the mother-in-law in the same apartment so that there are no conflicts? While respecting the wishes of your husband's mother, you should not forget your own needs. A woman who constantly sacrifices her interests will feel unhappy, which will negatively affect her relationship with her husband. For example, being a staunch vegetarian, it is not at all necessary to eat meatballs, even if this is the mother-in-law's signature dish.

Talking about personal space should not be postponed "for later." The daughter-in-law has every right not to want her room to be invaded without knocking, to take her belongings without asking, and so on. Of course, it is necessary to report this in the most correct form, to try so that the list of “requirements” does not turn out to be too long.

So how do you get along with your mother-in-law? Of course, the daughter-in-law should not only insist on keeping the distance, but also not forget about it herself. It is likely that there are things in the house that cannot be touched, and the mother-in-law does not report this simply out of politeness. A frank conversation solves many problems.

Independence

How to get along with your mother-in-law so that everyone is happy? Often people get married before they become completely financially independent. However, it is naive to constantly resort to the help of the husband's mother and at the same time count on her respect. If a young family is fully supported by the parents, they feel entitled to actively interfere in the life of the spouses, comment on their behavior and actions, and give advice. This can have a negative impact on relationships.

These days, even full-time students can easily find part-time jobs. This is beneficial not only in terms of financial independence. Having got a job, the daughter-in-law will see her mother-in-law much less often, which will positively affect their relationship. If there is an urgent need for money, it is more expedient to ask for the necessary amount on credit, and not free of charge.

Compliance with subordination

We study further the question of how to get along with the mother-in-law. Nowadays, the tradition of calling the mother-in-law mother is gradually disappearing. At least in the first months of cohabitation, it is preferable to use the name and patronymic, address "you". Of course, if the mother-in-law herself insists on the “mother” option, you should not actively resist. Even if at first it sounds a little false, you can gradually get used to it.

Household

Many are interested in how to get along with the mother-in-law under one roof. Research shows that homework is an inexhaustible source of conflict. Every woman, no matter how old she is, has her own views on housekeeping, which she considers to be truly correct.

While the daughter-in-law lives on the territory of the mother-in-law, she has to give in mainly to her. This does not mean that you have to do a lot of unusual things for yourself, for example, agree to participate in daily wet cleaning if you are used to mopping floors twice a week. It is better to express admiration for the culinary talents of the husband's mother and ask her for recipes for her signature dishes.

Some part of household duties should definitely be taken on, even if the mother-in-law tries to continue to do everything on her own, otherwise in the near future this will become a reason for reproaches.

Common interests

Considering the question of how a daughter-in-law can get along with her mother-in-law, it is worth saying that people who have common topics for conversation find it much easier to get along with each other. You should not wait for the husband's mother to make the first move, as this may never happen. Finding out the hobby of a new relative is quite simple. Of course, interest in her hobbies must be sincere. You should not, for example, talk about your love for four-legged friends, suffering from allergies. Sooner or later, the truth will come out, causing the relationship to worsen rather than improve.

Spending time together is the shortest path to friendship. It is possible that both women like to go to the theater or indulge in shopping. Why not do it together from time to time - at least once a month? You can also offer your husband's mother a joint visit to the pool or gym if she expresses a desire to play sports. In the end, there are banal walks in the park, useful not only for relationships, but also for health.

Attention

How to make cohabitation with the mother-in-law peaceful, avoid conflicts? Any person likes when they show attention to him. This does not mean that you need to stuff a woman into girlfriends. It is enough just from time to time to show interest in her life, ask about success at work, congratulate her on important dates.

It is also worth learning to listen to the mother-in-law's advice, even if she gives them all the time, without waiting for a corresponding request. It is not at all necessary to follow the recommendations of the husband's mother, but do not ignore her words. After all, from a woman who is much older and more experienced, you can always hear something really useful.

In addition, do not forget about compliments, it is necessary to focus on precisely those qualities that the mother-in-law loves most in herself. It is difficult to find a person who does not have any virtues, the main thing is the ability to discover them. It is highly likely that the mother-in-law as a result will learn to notice the positive aspects of the daughter-in-law. It is not easy to treat badly a person who sincerely praises you.

Talk about son

How to get along with the mother-in-law in the same house peacefully? Of course, married life is difficult to imagine without conflicts. Spouses, even if they love each other very much, from time to time there are certain claims to the second half. It is strictly forbidden to discuss the shortcomings of the husband with his mother. We must not forget that every woman sincerely considers her own child the best. The daughter-in-law's complaints about her son will hardly meet with sympathy; rather, it will hopelessly ruin relations with her mother-in-law.

Talking about a husband with his mother should only be done in a positive way. She will be pleased to hear praise for her child. It is worth noting that it was she who was involved in his upbringing. Why not show gratitude?

Making a list

How to get along with mother-in-law? The advice of a psychologist, unfortunately, does not always help. What to do if the mother of the spouse refuses to make contact, continues to provoke conflicts? Constantly hearing reproaches from the mother-in-law, you should make a list of her complaints and analyze it. It is possible that the list will also include fair reproaches. Let's say the husband's mother does not like the fact that she is forced to take on the lion's share of the housework.

Separately noting fair claims, you can think over and write down answers to unfair reproaches. This is necessary in order to calmly and reasonably discuss the current situation with the mother-in-law, without surrendering to the power of emotions and not falling for provocations.

We do not inflate conflicts

Is it possible to get along with the mother-in-law if she likes to sort things out in a raised voice? Unfortunately, this also happens. In this case, it is worth doing the way diplomats act. No need to try to outshout the opponent, you just need to agree with him in everything. At the same time, the voice should remain measured and calm. Any debater will be confused when he hears that he is absolutely right. In the end, you can wean the mother-in-law from scandals by constantly agreeing with her and not succumbing to provocations.

Of course, we are talking about a conflict in which only one side is guilty. If the quarrel occurred through the fault of the daughter-in-law, you should not start a "cold war" with the husband's mother, refuse to communicate, and so on. The ability to admit one's wrong is a quality that has been valued at all times.

Husband involvement

You should not say unpleasant things about your mother-in-law to your soulmate, no matter how huge the temptation is. It is extremely rare to find people who have a negative attitude towards their own mothers. You can connect your husband to the conflict only as a last resort, if the situation is completely out of control. It is also not recommended to set him up against his mother, such actions will only spoil the relationship between the spouses.

Children

How to get along with the mother-in-law if she actively intervenes in the upbringing of children, guided solely by her own views? Many women, seeing the "second mother" as an enemy, try to limit her communication with the child. The main victim in such a situation is the baby, as adults unconsciously draw him into their conflict.

It is much better to spend time calmly explaining to the husband’s mother what exactly she is doing wrong in what is connected with raising children, taking care of them. In order for the result of the conversation to meet expectations, you need to back up your words with thoughtful arguments, refer to the opinion of specialists.

Useful literature

“How do you get along with your mother-in-law? 63 simple rules "- a wonderful book, authored by Irina Korchagina. This manual is aimed at women who have recently entered into marriage and have not yet mastered the art of communicating with relatives of the second half. The book contains simple recommendations. Using them, you can easily put an end to the "battles" with your husband's mother. Useful information will be able to gather for themselves and the fair sex, who have been married for a long time, but have not yet learned how to get along with their mother-in-law.

This work is useful not only for daughters-in-law, but also for women whose son is going to marry or is already married. The author does not take sides, sincerely cheering for all the participants in the conflict.

All my life I wanted to live in a big city, I planned to build a successful career, in my dreams I never was a housewife and an exemplary mother, I wanted my husband to take care of the family. I entered St. Petersburg and met my husband, after university he persuaded me to move to his parents in a small town in the Leningrad region (they have a muesvoi business and need helpers). For the first month everything went well, then I realized that I could not live with them, they are very good people, they accepted me, they gave me a job, but I feel constant pressure from his mother. As a result, my husband refused to return to St. Petersburg, and we have been living there for 2.5 years. I have constant depression, I don’t like this city, I don’t have anyone there, I communicate well with my parents, but I feel constant discomfort that I’m doing everything wrong, that they condemn me. I want freedom, personal space, my family, but my husband does not want to move, and therefore we work and live with our parents. I love my husband very much and I can’t leave him, but I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t know how to persuade him to move, but I don’t have the strength to put up with such a situation anymore

The mother-in-law is very demanding, likes to control everything. At work, he does not delegate responsibilities, but at the same time he requires a lot. She relates to my hobbies (for example, training in the gym and learning French), she thinks that I should work, and not do "bullshit", although we work a lot, I don’t remember when the holidays were. The worst thing is that I'm afraid of her, I can't answer her when she swears, I feel that I completely depend on her.

Marinazub

Marinazub, hello. Can you tell us a little about yourself: how old are you, who are you and your husband by profession? Is the job you are currently doing related to your education? Are you planning children? Now you live in the same apartment with your husband's parents, as I understand it? How many rooms are in the apartment? How are household responsibilities divided?

Do you and your husband have a separate room? Do you have free time for two? How do you spend your leisure time? Are there mutual friends?

Tell us about the character of your mother-in-law and father-in-law, as well as about yours and your husband? Who is more like a husband: his dad or mom? And you? Are relationships in your parents' family different from those in your husband's family?

Hello Ekaterina!
I am 24, my husband is 25. We are both economists, now we are working with casters. They have their own children's store, we are not allowed to the economic and accounting side of the business under the pretext that we can not cope. For the most part, we clean the store after closing, sometimes we buy goods and bring them into the store database (exclusively with parents). Very often we hear that we do nothing, waste time, do little work, but when we try to figure out the documents on our own and help, we also get a reprimand: "why are you climbing, it's all wrong, it's already been done." I wrote in the second message, but for some reason it did not go, that I am very afraid of my mother-in-law and cannot object to her, like my husband. We feel completely dependent on her, but for him this is the norm, he considers such relationships in the family to be normal.
I want children for a very long time, we started planning a year ago, but after a year of unsuccessful attempts, it turned out that I had a cyst, and for half a year now I have been undergoing treatment, after 3 months of surgery, and as the doctors say, it will be possible to get pregnant right away. During this time, I realized that I really want children from my husband, but I absolutely do not want to raise them with my mother-in-law. She is already planning how and what will happen, for example, diapers cannot be used, we will wash diapers, she already has a lot of children's clothes and toys set aside, she has equipped the nursery without our knowledge (without furniture, just repairs), it turns out I just have to give birth and move away from the cases, because everything has already been decided.

The first six months we lived together in a 2-room apartment. Then they had a fight and rented an apartment with her husband. Since last spring, my parents have moved to a private house in the city. This house was built a long time ago and was supposed to be roughly speaking a "family residence", it is very large, and of course it is not discussed whether we want to live there. Even before I met them, it was planned out where the nursery was, where our bedroom was. After they moved in, we moved into their old apartment, but not for long. Now this is the situation: all our things are in the house, but there are no doors in the rooms yet, so we often spend the night in an apartment. And every time we need to come up with reasons why we decided to stay there. Responsibilities have always been distributed as follows: the mother-in-law cooks and decides everything, we only help. I don’t go into the kitchen because we don’t have the same ideas about normal food (I don’t really like meat, I prefer vegetables and light food).

We have free time in the evenings, after 20.00. If we are in an apartment, then we watch movies, have dinner together, have sex. We often spend evenings separately, I really like pastries, so I am most often in the kitchen, and my husband loves to play computer games. I don’t care, I think that everyone should have an activity that relaxes and brings pleasure. If we stay in the house, then we remain alone when everyone goes to bed. Because the concept of "personal space" does not seem to exist. Mutual friends live in other cities and we communicate very rarely, we have individual friends, but they also do not live in our city. In our free time, we do not go out anywhere, because there is nowhere and no one with whom.

Relations in families are very different, despite the obvious matriarchy in both families. My family has very warm relations, I always know that my parents will support me, that I can contact them at any time and tell them about any problems. From childhood, I was given complete freedom, no one limited me in anything, I always feel that my parents are proud of me, that they believe that I can achieve a lot, and this faith is also in me, I never had any doubts about own abilities. The husband, on the contrary, has almost no children to communicate with his parents, he is still afraid to ask questions and seek advice, because at any moment he can be reprimanded. And I understand him perfectly, I need a lot of time to tune in and talk about some problem with his mother. She is not a bad person and not a monster, as it may seem. She is a very caring mother, she will always come to the aid of a friend, she is very sociable. But she loves to control everything very much, everything should be as she decided, she does not know how to delegate duties, she likes to vent a bad mood on loved ones, she is very prudent.

The father-in-law is a very calm person, he never interferes in our affairs, he is constantly busy with something. The husband is very similar to him, he also does not show initiative, but if he comes up with an occupation, he will do it with joy and conscience. I am more like my mother, I am independent, I don’t need someone’s help in household chores, I am very anxious and suspicious, I get lost in new companies, I am closed. But there are traits from my dad: I’m not a homebody at all, I love companies (friends, I’m hard to get along with strangers), I really like changes, it’s hard for me to stay in one place, I really like to radically change my life (probably because of this I agreed to move in with my husband, and therefore I can no longer stay there). I very often recognize myself in my mother-in-law, I also like to control everything, it’s easier for me to do it myself than to ask someone, I often take it out on my husband. My husband is the opposite, he is indecisive, likes to stay at home, he likes to be alone, he doesn’t like change at all, he is always the soul of the company, but at the same time he is very closed, he will never tell anything superfluous, even it’s hard for me to pull something out of him, serious We don’t talk, he closes in on himself and is silent.

Marinazub

Marinazub, hello again. Marina, how long do you think you can stay in such an environment that you describe? In your story, you look like an active person striving for development and changes in your life. You came to study in the capital city, mastered the profession, had quite serious plans, I'm sure, for your own professional development. Now, as far as I can tell, your abilities are not in much demand: you are engaged in rather routine work, you do not have the opportunity to study business management, in fact, you are an executor in a small family business, and even such an executor who is not trusted and does not offer anything in terms of growth. You write that your husband is OK, but you are not. You also write that the husband is used to obeying his domineering and protective mother. And in yourself you see the features of your own mother and - in part - mother-in-law. It can be assumed that your husband chose you as a partner for a reason, but also because he felt that you, too, could take the role of leader in your couple. But at the moment, you are probably not completely sure that you can surpass the influence of his mother on him with your influence. And I share your doubts: judging by the young age of your husband, he may still be in the grip of his mother's influence for a long time, and in order to be a good son, he may be ready to remain obedient and not argue with his mother. I see that this can be a very serious test for you. In my opinion, the following scenarios are most likely

1) You will increasingly try to defend your own boundaries in relations with your mother-in-law, while at the same time trying to increase your influence on your husband in order to separate with him from his parents. This can take the form of concrete steps: not moving into the house your father-in-law built, finding a job elsewhere, spending more time on your own, making new acquaintances or activities that are more age-appropriate for you and your husband (dance, sports, study, work, fun). and relaxing with friends). As you try to fill your life with other things, if the husband shares your intentions and also reaches out for you, this may cause displeasure on the part of the mother-in-law, relations may aggravate. If you behave independently, it is possible that your husband's mother will start more active military operations against you. Probably, until she makes sure that her son has chosen the "right" wife for himself, she is unlikely to loosen her control. But what are her internal criteria for this - it's hard for me to judge, she may not know herself, and this can only be understood by observing her and communicating with her. Therefore, the tension in relations with her will increase in such a scenario, and this will inevitably affect your relationship with your husband: he will suffer that two women close to him cannot agree, and, most likely, will blame you for this. It is difficult to predict how strong his own need for freedom can be so that he continues to support you and, as a result, goes into conflict with his mother. So far, it seems that there are not very many chances, and your nerves may not be able to stand it. In this case, it is possible that serious contradictions will arise between you, and the marriage may be in jeopardy.

2) You will be more careful, and your attempts at independence will not be so obvious and not in such quantity, you will take a position of loyalty towards your husband’s mother, you will share all her ideas, become her supporter, make friends with her, get to know her more as a person . She will be able to trust you more than now and, perhaps, at some point she will consider that you fully share the values of her family, and maybe even begin to consult with you and share her worries with you. And then, oddly enough, the process of your autonomy can happen much easier and at a much lower cost. This is a longer path, it has pitfalls, you will have to try to restrain your emotions for some time, since communication with a powerful person is not an easy test, especially when you have the same serious leadership potential as your mother-in-law. This is a more strategically winning path, but in order to use such a strategy, you need to assess your strengths and your future winnings as carefully as possible. It is clear that with this approach, your husband will be much more calm - after all, you will not fight with his mother for influence over him, you will not create conflicts for him. If you become an ally of his mother, then in the future your authority for your husband may also be very strong, because you will be "approved" by the main woman in your husband's life. If love for your husband and the opportunity to become part of his family is a very important goal for you, then it may be worth trying to go this way. It won't be easy, I promise, but it might be worth it for you.

The issue of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has been worrying many families for a very long time. Now you can hear a large number of jokes and anecdotes about the difficult relationship of wives with the mothers of their spouses. But if this problem affects you personally, believe me, you will not be laughing.

Quite often, unstable relationships with the mother-in-law become the reason for the dissolution of the marriage, so wives are increasingly interested in the question of how to live with the mother-in-law and not swear?

So, your goal is a friendly and happy family? So, you must find a common language with your second mother. Here are a few rules that can simplify the process of reconciliation.

How to live with your mother-in-law and not swear

Gratitude is strength

Believe me, words of gratitude can often work wonders. Try to say them as often as possible when communicating with your mother-in-law. Thank her for any advice, even if it concerns your life, but do it your way.

Don't Forget the Heartfelt Conversations

Constant silence, a sullen look and hateful looks will not help you make friends with your second mother, on the contrary, they will only provoke conflicts. If you have any complaints, learn to formulate them clearly so that you can have a constructive dialogue. And if your mother-in-law offended you with something, be sure to point it out to her, but very gently, carefully choosing words so as not to offend.

Complaints must be correct

If the mother-in-law offended you, and you decide to complain about her spouse, do it wisely. No need to impose your side on him, he can choose. Be prepared for the fact that not always the choice will be made in favor of you. It may seem to a husband that many of his mother’s actions are nothing more than a manifestation of concern for you and your family.

Put yourself in her place

Often, in order to understand the cause of a person’s discontent, you need to put yourself in his place and everything will become clear. So, for example, if your mother-in-law is always cleaning the floors with a rag, and you can’t even wash the dishes behind you, but then the fool understands the reason for her discontent and it’s clear what needs to be done to avoid conflicts.

Also, in women over 40, various age-related diseases begin, such as gastritis, high blood pressure, lumbar osteochondrosis, the treatment of which does not proceed as quickly as we would like. And the psyche of a sick person is very vulnerable, and even a spark is enough to ignite a scandal. In this situation, understanding and calmness are needed, as well as care on your part.

The choice of the "head" of the family

As a rule, the cause of all disagreements with the mother-in-law is banal jealousy. In the struggle for the attention of your beloved husband and son, you can reach the point of absurdity.

The main thing here is to understand for yourself that for your spouse and mother, and you are equally close people. No need to try to replace his mother, remain a loving wife for him.

Allow her to appear in your life, but only in her role. Remember, if the mother-in-law understands that you are trying to replace her, then no friendship will work between you. A wise spouse, the keeper of the hearth, on the contrary, will require her husband to help her mother, call her more often, tell her news, etc.

These simple tips “how to live with your mother-in-law” will help you make an ever-teaching grumpy woman - if not a friend, then at least a close person and assistant.

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