Husband is very aggressive what to do. Aggressive spouse
What to do if one of the spouses has a quick temper, or, in other words, is angry? How to get along with such a spouse, to understand whether anger is justified or not, to overcome fear and anxiety in the family, what course of action to choose, the rector of the temple of the shmch tells. Antipas Priest Dimitry Roshchin and clinical psychologist, Candidate of Psychological Sciences Evgenia Zotkina.
Why does anger arise in a person? Why are some people affected more than others? Is it about upbringing or chemical processes in the body?
Evgenia Zotkina: First, let's understand what anger is from the point of view of psychology. This is a kind of emotional state that involves aggressiveness, anger. Anger is especially strongly manifested when a person is in a state of passion. Such a reaction can occur in a person if, in the process of activity or communication, the events that occur do not coincide with expectations. There is a negative reaction to the inability to get pleasure, frustration, and aggression becomes a reaction to it.
There is open aggression and covert aggression. In everyday life, people use open forms of aggression, such as anger.
Aggressive people are people, as a rule, with wounded vanity, ambition, who believe that they are underestimated, they were not given something, and they deserve more and better.
There are also hidden forms of aggression:
- defensively active,
- defensive-passive.
If a child is the idol of the whole family, then a little tyrant grows out of him. He is used to the fact that his desires are always satisfied, and if he is refused, gets angry and rolls up - this is an active position.
If a child was suppressed by his parents or society, he cannot throw out his aggression outside and accumulate it inside. From such a person, when he grows up, he pulls with a vague, indistinct, unspoken and very painful feeling. Often such a person begins to recall some sad stories, accidents, and negativity is felt in the conversation.
In general, the modern environment, culture is very aggressive, and not only in our country, but in general throughout the world. Residents of big cities constantly experience frustration, many lack a calm, joyful perception of the world. Now there is a global aestheticization of evil, in our time, evil is the norm.
After all, why are films about cops, bandits, and murders so popular? People have a need to watch all these horrors. And when a person cannot properly regulate his need for aggression, this means that his personality structure is disturbed. Fear is a provocateur of the reaction of aggression and anger.
There is a loss of attachment, a feeling of being squeezed out of this world - and anger becomes a kind of deformed defensive reaction, which also manifests itself in sympathy for the aggressors. Many people admire Stalin, Hitler, Pinochet. Worshiping the aggressors is identification with the aggressor. A person cannot resist some events in life, change some things to some extent due to social education; a person gets used to his own social helplessness and believes that nothing depends on him.
- What should a husband or wife do if the other half is often angry?
Evgenia Zotkina: In men, aggression is instrumental, it is used to achieve a goal.
In women, aggression is expressive: she feels bad, and she starts screaming.
And if one screams and the other endures, then the second partner is a silent accomplice in such a relationship.
Sometimes it happens that spouses yell at each other in the morning, and in the evening they come home as if nothing had happened - no one is offended, they no longer remember what happened in the morning. If this happens and no one really takes offense at each other, then this is not scary.
If the dishes in the house do not break, but at the same time the wife constantly mumbles and comments with displeasure on how the husband scattered his things, how he eats, how he sleeps, etc., this is hidden aggression. If a person feels good with his spouse, then they are unlikely to spoil each other's mood for such insignificant reasons - such couples intuitively protect each other. Constant dissatisfaction with a partner destroys relationships much more than some single emotional shots or outbursts of anger.
A person understands very well where and how he can behave, where he can throw out his anger, and where not. If the wife reacts to the aggressive attacks of her husband as unacceptable, and the husband values his wife, he will try not to do this again. Man, in fact, can control a lot. An outburst of anger can be extinguished, or it can be inflated. For example, at work a person cannot show his aggression, but at home he wanted to and yelled, and you are already a hero. It must always be remembered that a person behaves as he is allowed to behave.
Father Demetrius: First, let's talk about where this passion comes from. Anger is always born of pride. As there is lies in pride, so anger is full of lies. (An exception is "righteous anger"). Every passion must be opposed by its opposite virtue.
Since the family is a single whole, if one half of the family is sick with some kind of illness, in this case anger, then the other half should show meekness in a special way, because meekness is the opposite of anger. And thus win, because the struggle is for the common good. This, however, applies to any family ailments - if one part is sick, the other must fight to maintain health in this particular aspect, because we save each other.
But meekness can be shown for the time being. It all depends on the extent to which a person is ready to endure, on the situation that has developed in the family at the moment. If a person is constantly beaten and is no longer able to endure it, then it is worthwhile for him to avoid living together for a while and see what effect this will have. If a path to reconciliation is found, return back. And if this condition does not pass, then it is already necessary to decide further what to do with it, whether it is possible to stay in the family.
- If a person is aware of his aggression and suffers from it, what can you recommend to him?
Evgenia Zotkina: Stress and anger are very well removed by physical activity. Any: walk up and down the stairs, squat, do some physical work - and it will become easier.
In general, a healthy person is able to control their emotions. Of course, when a person is angry, deep inner work takes place inside him, it's hard, and it's easier to shout or break something. But it is important to ask yourself the question in time: how much is the person in front of me really to blame for my rage? If a person learns to correctly analyze his emotions, it will be easier for him to cope with them.
Father Demetrius: The main task of a person who is angry is not to let his anger out. Let it rage in him, but a person must literally grit his teeth, bite his tongue and do everything possible so that this passion does not rise. If he learns to catch these states, then by such an exercise he will be able to lower this anger deeper and deeper, until it completely ceases to be born. But it's very hard. You have to be attentive to yourself, make it your task to fight this passion. If a person takes care of himself in one thing, it is absolutely certain that he will take care of himself in everything else.
- If children show signs of temper, how to deal with it?
Evgenia Zotkina: Children become quick-tempered because of the strong information field, which overstimulates the child's psyche. The child's psyche cannot cope with the incoming flurry of information, while the parents themselves are restless, anxious, and anxiety creates in the child a feeling of an unsafe environment.
There is a crisis in the family and a huge gap between generations. Parents have no time for children: they get tired at work, come home excited, and since children are now very active, overexcited, emotional, with increased motor skills, they quickly master gadgets, "shooters". The child begins to play murder and understands that all issues can be resolved with the help of force. Children love the one who plays with them more, and since they spend most of their time with the computer, they lose touch with their parents. Dad and mom cease to be a role model and authority, they are replaced by the fruits of mass culture.
In order to prevent such a situation in the family, parents should devote as much time as possible to their children, talk with them, and answer questions. The child must feel that his home is his fortress, and no matter what he does, he will always be accepted and supported there. This is the most important thing a parent can give to their child.
Father Demetrius: Using your power, forbid the child to enter an aggressive state, stop him, explain that it is wrong to stop all attempts. Isolate, put in a corner - in general, bring to life in accordance with the degree to which anger is manifested. It seems to me that children who easily get angry saw this in adults. There may be some exceptions, but, as a rule, the child finds everything within the family. Therefore, you need to look at yourself first.
Discussion
03/02/2015 17:30:46, Ollie
Anger is completely natural. The question is how to control it. You need to exercise self-control. Love is the key to happiness, but only love is not just emotions or feelings. This is the principle of behavior, the inner core that can withstand any difficulties in order to save the family.
Of course, I won’t read it, there’s a clear blizzard for sure, but I can give advice - to beat. Outbursts of rage are a manifestation of promiscuity. At work, in the presence of superiors, everyone can control themselves. All who are not in a mental hospital, of course.
I don’t understand screaming, breaking dishes, fighting with a rolling pin at all.
For what?
if there is love, then there should be no desire to fight, and if it is not there, is it worth living with such a person?
about enduring the anger inside with clenched teeth, also do not agree!
another question is how to pour it out)
Comment on the article "Anger: how to get along with an aggressive husband or wife"
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Hello. My family is falling apart. Husband is 46 years old. Married for 11 years. For me, the third marriage, for him - the first. He has always been a rather difficult person. But we got along, I smoothed the corners, took into account the peculiarities of his character and did not want to rock our life over trifles. Now it's just unbearable. A continuous scandal with a rare lull. Almost 8 months. Absolutely nothing admits his guilt. Very aggressive and cruel. After so many years, absolutely insurmountable contradictions have come to light. I'm desperate. Any attempt to calmly discuss everything results in a quarrel. Very petty, vindictive, cowardly. There is a daughter, 6 years old. Has a son from his first marriage. 20 years. Question: can a person change like that in six months, or did these qualities lie dormant in him, waiting for an opportunity?
Veronica, Volgograd, Russia, 43 years old
Family Psychologist Answer:
Hello Veronica.
Hello. I want to offer you a different view of what is happening, although you did not ask about it. Looking outside, not inside. And, answering your question - I think, neither one nor the other. I think it accumulated just like in a pressure cooker. It doesn't fit anymore, so it started to come out. And, since it continues to warm up, it does not end. Now about the vision. You both created this situation. And he, and you too. You see yourself as a victim, his aggressor, but this does not happen in a couple - one is bad, the other is good. Relationships are created by two people. And both are responsible for it. I don’t know what exactly you are doing, but I understand that you are definitely making some contribution to the fact that your husband has become so cruel. Although ... I can assume :-) Let's look at the facts - he has a first marriage, you have a third. It is clear that he has little experience in relationships, it is difficult for him to be in a pair, he is used to being alone. So it's not easy for him. What about you? You have a lot of experience, but very monotonous. There have already been two divorces, the third is not far off. What happened there? Former husbands also turned out to be scary monsters after a while? You don't seem to think about it. And why? It looks like you do not know how to share responsibility and admit YOUR mistakes. You are good at seeing the mistakes of others and pointing them out, and you seem to consider yourself sinless. In any case, your letter is 100% like that. There is not a shadow of a doubt that you have done or are doing something wrong. Not a single question to myself and about myself. Or about relationships. The culprit has already been found, the trial will begin soon ... "Victim", as you know, is the best way to manipulate. One is declared a sufferer, the other a tyrant. The first position is the safest and most comfortable. Any "not so" - you can immediately burst into tears, remember all the past mistakes and regret the years spent in vain and the difficult nature of the partner. The second one can only shut up his "steam" and humbly ask for forgiveness, since any other gesture is perceived as "well, I told you ..." But sooner or later the couple has nowhere else to accumulate, and it starts to come out. About the same as in your case. And since this person has nothing to lose - he is "bad", no matter what he does, he was convinced of this, then he behaves accordingly. And all this develops to the point of impossibility. Or has been for years. Psychologists sometimes say in such cases that the second is a split-off aggression of the first. The first has problems with her expression, and he provokes the second to her. And the second has problems with self-esteem. He was convinced that he was bad, a long time ago. Such couples sometimes exist quite successfully, terrorizing everyone around them - one with their aggression, the second with their "unhappiness". With the first, everyone quarreled for a long time, and the second was tired of endlessly regretting. But this doesn't seem to be about you. Personally, yours looks like "all men are bastards and bastards." And the task is to find as much evidence for this as possible. Usually this happens when the father was cruel, and aggression towards him never found a way out. Then you need to find as many examples of the same as possible to confirm the hypothesis. Then dad will look not so terrible, and maybe even beautiful. And aggression will be where to apply. And so on... Sorry, I got carried away, the topic is very interesting and relevant. Back to you, when was the last time you said "I'm sorry"? Sincerely? When they said "I was wrong?". Or "it's not easy for me either"? Or "I'm angry"? When you thought about why two previous marriages failed, what is your responsibility for this, and how is the current marriage and your actions similar to the previous ones? In such stories, you always feel sorry for the children. Parents are adults and play adult games - consciously or unconsciously, it doesn't matter. And children become pawns in this game. Especially if they are being manipulated into taking sides. "Mom is good, dad is bad." For them, it's terrible. They love both. Have pity on your children. Accept your responsibility. It's scarier, but, in fact, simpler: "If I'm responsible for something, I can change something. And if I'm a victim, then I can't do anything." In the first version, there is much more power.
Sincerely, Babievskaya Elena Kirillovna.
Hello. I am contacting for the first time. In general, I try not to share family problems, especially to write about them on the forum, but I realized that I already simply need advice.
My husband and I have known each other for six and a half years (this time we have loved each other very strongly and tenderly). I got a job a year and a half ago. Signed a year ago. Everything seemed to be going well. Let me clarify right away that my husband does not work. Previously, at least I was looking for, but they offered everything low-paid. Now he's not even looking. We live in three. I am his mother and he. We have a good relationship with his mother. She works too. Over the past 4 months, my husband has changed beyond recognition. He constantly screams, freaks out, demands money, hits the wall with his fists, throws everything at the wall.
At first he began to constantly go with friends. Walk. He doesn’t take me with him. He says you don’t need to communicate with them. I thought okay, let them talk with friends, drink some beer, they didn’t seem to get drunk. I came home at 21 00-22 00. Then it became on weekdays and more often. And came home later. Then he began to bring more beer. And every time he says that you are indignant, I don’t get drunk. As time passed, I began to periodically but not often get drunk. And it doesn't happen on weekends. He also asks to sit with him, although I have to work in the morning. I began to come later and later. I began to turn off the phone or simply not pick up the phone. I try to talk to him calmly, but it doesn't help. Trying to scream doesn't help. Ask. I'm crying. He just freaks out and says not to be touched. His mother can't do anything either. He started yelling at her too. She is in shock. This has never happened. He did not hit anything and did not disappear. Was not so aggressive. Over the past three weeks, 5 times did not come home for the night. And when you start to explain to him that he is doing something wrong, he does not understand and yells and makes us guilty with his mother-in-law. He lost money, crashed the car, got into a fight. And every time it's not his fault. I just don't understand what's going on. He wasn't like that. And he sleeps very badly. Twitches, gets up, sits down, rolls over, throws off pillows. I do not understand what is going on. We wanted children, but now I'm somehow afraid. I tried to figure out if I'm doing something wrong. But I do not understand. Screaming at every little thing. Either where there is a clean T-shirt, then why it wasn’t washed, then she didn’t make coffee for me, then she didn’t even offer to eat. (and there is something to eat in the refrigerator, you can take it yourself). And earlier, if the hungry could take it himself. And now it turns out to bring food, listen to the screams and preferably be silent. Because when I open my mouth, the tantrum immediately begins even more. And he began to periodically demand that they shut up and did not touch him. With regard to money, it is also complete irresponsibility. Constantly needed for something, either to make a car, then he owes someone, then he lost his documents, then he broke the phone, then hooked someone's car. There was no such thing. I don’t know what to do. Help.
An aggressive husband is a common phenomenon in our country. How is it that the sweet and sensitive person we married suddenly turns into an aggressor, clinging to every trifle? The good news is that if there is a path from a handsome prince to an eternally disgruntled monster, then there may be a reverse option.
Why does the husband become aggressive?
Causes of husband's aggression
Most often, aggression in the male half of the population plays a positive role: it allows you to achieve a position in society, successfully compete among your own kind. But there are times when, instead of work and rivals, this type of behavior is transferred to the family.
If the husband has become aggressive and irritable, there may be several reasons:
1. He's in big trouble at work. Under conditions of stress, the brain does not catch the transition from working to family relationships, so the man continues to get angry and prove something at home out of habit.
2. The cause of aggression can be psychological trauma received in childhood. In this case, it is necessary to understand why their consequences began to manifest themselves right now.
3. The husband also behaves aggressively if there was constant tension in the relationship between his parents. Having inherited such a role model, he continues to act according to a pre-programmed scenario.
4. This behavior is also characteristic of people who abuse alcohol and drugs. There is a violation of the psyche, and the person is simply not able to control himself. Having decided on the reasons, you should take action.
What to do if your husband is aggressive?
The first thing a woman who finds herself in such a situation needs to learn is to behave correctly during outbursts of anger in the second half. There can be two exits.
1. Don't get into conflict. If you see that your husband is close to a new attack, avoid talking to him - go to the store, take a walk, go about your business. The main thing is to let him calm down. Even if the husband is very aggressive, show that his behavior is unacceptable. This needs to be said clearly and calmly, and then a joint strategy should be developed to combat the negative consequences of these emotions. There are fairly easy ways to cope with anger and irritation, the simplest and most useful is physical activity.
