Why do people feel loneliness? Feeling lonely

Every person can feel lonely from time to time. This could be the pain of breaking up with a loved one, the loss of a close relative, or moving to a new place after living in your home for many years. People can be lonely for a million different reasons.

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is most often described as a negative emotional state that a person experiences when he notices a difference between the ideal relationship he would like to see between himself and another person and reality. The unpleasant feeling of loneliness is subjective - researchers have found that loneliness does not depend on how much time you spend in the company of someone and how much time you spend without. It has more to do with the quality of the relationship rather than its quantity or duration. A lonely person can be in the company of other people, but feel that no one understands him, that these relationships with people are meaningless. For some people, feelings of loneliness may be temporary and fleeting. For others, this feeling is not easily dealt with, and the condition can only develop if the person does not have people to connect with.

Basic signals

From an evolutionary perspective, human dependence on the group ensured the survival of humans as a species. Accordingly, loneliness can be seen as a signal to join someone. And from this perspective, loneliness is a lot like hunger, thirst, or physical pain, which are signals that it's time to eat, drink, or seek medical help. However, in modern society, neutralizing the signal of loneliness has become much more difficult than satisfying hunger, thirst or treatment. Loneliness can develop in those people who are not surrounded by other people who care about them.

Risk factor

Researchers have found that social isolation is a risk factor for many diseases, as well as premature death. Recent scientific work on this topic provides information that a lack of social connections poses the same risk of early death to a person as, for example, obesity. Loneliness is a risk factor for many physical diseases and conditions, such as fragmented sleep, dementia, and even decreased cardiovascular function.

Biological tendency

Some people may even be biologically more vulnerable to loneliness. Research has shown that the tendency towards this feeling can even be inherited from parents and other ancestors. Many studies have focused on how loneliness may result from a combination of certain genes and social and environmental factors (such as parental support). More often than not, loneliness as a mental condition that can be equated with other mental illnesses is completely ignored. Therefore, researchers still have a lot of time to spend to fully understand exactly how this condition can affect a person's mental health. After all, much of the research on loneliness and mental health has focused solely on the relationship between loneliness and depression. While loneliness and depression are similar in some ways, they are also very different. Loneliness refers exclusively to negative feelings about the social world, while depression refers to a more general set of negative feelings. A study that followed loneliness in subjects for five years found that loneliness can be a predictor of depression, but the opposite is not true.

Loneliness is not a symptom of depression

This condition is very often mistakenly viewed as a normal symptom of depression, or people assume that loneliness will disappear as soon as doctors begin to treat depression. Simply put, “lonely” people are pressured into joining social groups and making friends with the assumption that the condition will immediately go away.
And although creating a social platform for communication and making new friends is the right step, you should not assume that such pain can be gotten rid of so easily. People suffering from loneliness may have certain concerns about social situations, and as a result they will reject the opportunity to create new connections - this is the human psyche.

Loneliness is a state in which there is a loss of connection with others, with the world around us. And of course, it is familiar to everyone. Some people experience loneliness more acutely and painfully, while others experience loneliness to a lesser extent, while for others it is a colossal source of creative energy.

Loneliness can be very different. For example, a state of loneliness caused by some external factors (death of a loved one, moving to another country, changing jobs, divorce) is called situational feeling of loneliness. After some time, having lived and accepted the loss, a person partially or completely overcomes loneliness.

Finding your place in the world, realizing your finitude and the fact that all people are inherently alone is called existential loneliness. Most often, it occurs during natural age-related crises, most acutely during a midlife crisis. In this case, attempts to drown out this loneliness can only worsen the situation. It is much more useful to perceive this state as a chance to understand something about yourself, as a temporary stop to look around and see where I am going, with whom, do I need it, am I interested in what I am doing. And here the experience of loneliness can be the most important resource for rethinking, self-development and creativity.

There is another kind of loneliness - chronic loneliness- in which a person remains for a long period of time. Who falls into the “risk zone” of people who have a high tendency to chronic loneliness? First of all, these are people with low self-esteem who avoid contact with other people for fear of being criticized. Shy, unsociable natures (introverts). People with a lack of social skills, or full of fears and prejudices. Often the “tendency to loneliness” is laid down in childhood. This may be due to traumatic childhood experiences. For example, an infant whose needs have not been fully met grows up with the feeling that the world is hostile and dangerous. If a child has not developed basic trust in the world, then loneliness becomes a habitual state for him.

So what should those who feel lonely, those who lack a warm, supportive environment, do?

1. Accept yourself

Low self-esteem, self-doubt, fear of entering into close relationships with other people - all this is a symptom that a person has no contact with himself, with his inner strength. Yes, restoring contact with yourself is a slow process that requires analysis, patience and courage. Working with a psychologist, various bodily practices such as yoga, dance, sports, as well as any creative activity that interests you can help you with this.

2. Improve your social skills

Expand your social circle - it’s easier to find a like-minded person among hundreds of people than among ten. In addition, you will be more likely to acquire new habits and attitudes, which will give you the opportunity for personal growth and significantly expand the circle of people whose views and aspirations coincide with your position in life. Sign up for communication skills training, find a group of people for yourself with similar interests.

3. Talk about your feelings of loneliness

4. Get out of your comfort zone more often

Actively look for ways to find new contacts and new experiences. Meet people on the street, go to theaters, museums, sign up for some courses. Anything that will give you the feeling of discovering previously unknown paths will do. Yes, trying something new is scary and exciting. But this is the only way you can fill the inner emptiness, get acquainted with your inner strength and find people close to you in spirit. But meeting people who are different from you can also be a good experience for you!

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Many people are familiar with the feeling of loneliness. This can be a fleeting sensation or a constant depressing state.

Types of loneliness

All people are unique, and therefore their needs for communication and the amount of time spent in society are varied. Some people need to be alone to rest, think, and reflect. For others, it is vital to be among people, to attract attention. But both of them can experience a pressing and unpleasant feeling of loneliness. After all, the division into extroverts and introverts is quite arbitrary. And most people can be classified as ambiverts, combining to one degree or another the qualities of the first two types.

There are emotional and social loneliness.

The first type occurs in a situation where a person does not have strong emotional ties with significant people (parents, spouses, friends). Increased anxiety, feelings of despair and personal vulnerability are inherent in this condition. Depression often develops against the background of emotional loneliness.

The second type occurs when a person has lost strong social ties, for example due to a change of place of residence, work, or study. A feeling of social isolation, lack of purpose, and boredom accompany this condition.

How to deal with loneliness?

When loneliness becomes a problem, you should not revel in this feeling, but try to cope with it.

It is better to treat this condition as an opportunity to understand yourself. Use loneliness as a “springboard” to move to another level of personal development.

And first you need to understand what type of loneliness you experience. What exactly is missing? It is also important to accept that loneliness is just a feeling, and a large number of people on Earth experience it.

The basis for overcoming loneliness is the following changes:

• way of thinking;
• lifestyle.

How to change your way of thinking?

To change your thinking you need:

• learn to understand and express your feelings;
• transform negative thoughts into positive ones;
• Don't divide the world into black and white.

The ability to understand and express your feelings will help cope with more than just loneliness. In order to deal with emotions and experiences, it is best to keep a diary. By recording and analyzing your feelings, you can understand at what exact moment the feeling of loneliness arises and what provokes it. Having thus understood the source of the problem, you can find a way to solve it.

Thinking (its type) shapes the reality around us. People prone to negative thinking only notice the negativity around them. And eternal mental dissatisfaction with the world leads to the fact that a person experiences only negative emotions.

If you expect a positive outcome from future events, then this is more likely to happen. Even if not everything goes smoothly, it is better to note the positive aspects and not dwell on the negative ones.

Having received an invitation to a party (corporate event, alumni meeting), you should not refuse with the thought that you will be bored the whole evening; it is better to think that this is an opportunity to make new acquaintances or have a pleasant conversation.

In order to think positively, you should begin to rebuild negative thoughts by adding positivity to them. Not: “My classmates don’t understand me,” but: “I don’t have friends at the university yet, but I will find them.” It's quite difficult, but if you start small, you can achieve success. You should spend 10 minutes a day tracking negative thoughts and reformulating them. And when it starts to work out without difficulty, increase the time. Ideally, this process should take place throughout the day. This will help you look at the world differently.

It is also necessary to stop dividing the world into black and white. Just because it’s bad now doesn’t mean it will always be that way. It is necessary to stop these thoughts.

If worries about “eternal loneliness” haunt you, it is better to remember situations when communication left a feeling of mutual understanding. And also that this was not always the case.

How to start changing your lifestyle?

Practical actions could be as follows:

• find something you like;
• change your usual lifestyle;
• find like-minded people;
• get a pet;
• participate in volunteer activities.

To get rid of loneliness, it is important to fill the day with interesting and enjoyable activities. Probably everyone will be able to remember what they always wanted to learn (drawing, programming, dancing, embroidery, playing the guitar). Having found something to do, a person brings positive emotions into his life.

It’s difficult to get rid of loneliness if you live in a home-work mode all the time and while away your evenings watching TV or watching TV series online. Walking in nature helps improve your emotional state. Take a walk in the park, make it a pleasant habit, and negative thoughts will recede.

In order not to sit at home in the evenings, you can buy a subscription to a fitness club, swimming pool, painting or dance studio. The main thing is that the activity brings pleasure.

And it’s easier to get to know each other if you share the same hobby.

You can also find like-minded people on the Internet on thematic forums or in groups on social networks. Virtual communication with people with similar views often turns into reality.

Having a pet can help you cope with feelings of loneliness. The main thing is that communication with a cat or dog does not completely replace communication with people.

You can take your mind off thoughts of loneliness by participating in volunteer projects. Visit children in boarding schools, lonely old people, or help homeless animals. Participation in volunteer organizations helps to build stronger emotional connections and get more pleasure from communication. And all this will help overcome loneliness.

It is important, trying to get rid of the oppressive feeling of loneliness, to be attentive to new acquaintances. A person experiencing strong negative experiences is vulnerable and can easily become “easy prey” for various manipulators. You can understand that a new friend is not interested in healthy and warm communication by the following signs:

• the person is too sweet, caring and tries to fill all his free time;
• such people experience attacks of bad mood if they are excluded from plans for the evening;
• they control where and with whom their “friend” spends time;
• Usually you won’t get a return favor from such people; they take advantage of others for their own benefit.

Loneliness is an unpleasant feeling, but you can overcome it and at the same time enrich your inner world. The main thing is not to feel sorry for yourself and not to slide into negativity, but to gradually change your lifestyle and thoughts.

Even in the biggest crowd you can feel lonely. This feeling prevents you from living fully, enjoying every day, and moving towards new achievements. If there are no friends or loved one nearby, then in difficult times there will be no one to support and console you, or give valuable advice. However, not all single people are unhappy; for many, it is a conscious choice to develop in solitude. But there are few such individuals; the majority still suffer in the absence of family and friends. There is a feeling that something is always missing. We’ll look at how to cope with this feeling and learn to use its positive side in the article.

Reasons for loneliness

Feelings of loneliness can be caused by various factors, but the main ones are:

There are many more individual reasons for loneliness, and awareness of them is the first step to a fulfilling life.

How to live alone

If you feel disliked towards yourself, then you definitely need to increase it. To do this, write down your advantages on a piece of paper and secure the sheet in the most visible place. Remember that there are no perfect people, everyone has flaws. Use your strengths to love yourself. When you achieve inner harmony, people will be drawn to you.

Learn to really evaluate the people around us, do not follow stereotypes or first impressions. Even if you have loved blondes all your life, a dark brunette can become your true soulmate. And if the relationship doesn’t work out, don’t despair, there’s still a lot of good things ahead.

By creating an artificial image, you risk being left alone, because you will attract completely unsuitable men. While masking your fictional shortcomings, do not forget to remain yourself. Hair and makeup should

Keep track of your wardrobe. , but should emphasize your advantages, have a pleasant color, be clean and ironed. Go to the hairdresser regularly and get your nails done. You need to smile more often and try to see positivity in the world around you. This will certainly transform your look, facial expressions and gestures.

My soul is aching from loneliness

Each of us is lonely in our own way. We are born and go alone. Maybe friends are just extras, and is it really necessary? After all, it has been proven more than once that in sorrows, friends rarely remain nearby.

Each of us has a natural need for communication, but this does not mean that you can be a friend. Conversations with unfamiliar people at a convenient time can be easy and pleasant; it occurs when you want it. But not everyone can or wants to have a friend and be near him at the right moment.

With the advent of a family, there are more worries, and the circle of friends narrows. There is not enough energy or time to maintain friendly relations. You also get tired of your family and friends. Therefore, the concept of loneliness is no longer associated with something bad, but is perceived as an opportunity for relaxation, self-development and gaining new emotions. In addition, communication currently occurs via the Internet, without direct contact. You can find someone with similar interests on thematic forums and chats at any time.

Natural characteristics and character also influence a person’s attitude towards loneliness. If by nature you are an introvert who enjoys communicating with yourself within the walls of your home, then you will not suffer from the lack of noisy company. Living alone is quite comfortable for introverts. Besides, there are very few real friends. Not everyone is lucky enough to have them, and friends and acquaintances do not want to delve into other people's problems, help, or empathize. So maybe you shouldn’t suffer from the absence of such people in your life? Direct all your energy to get the most out of life, travel, discover new places.

How to get rid of loneliness

There are a number of useful tips that will help you avoid worries about your loneliness:

A good way to get positive is to play sports. In addition to the fact that there will always be active like-minded people nearby, you will improve your health.

Don't focus on the problem. Many people consciously choose to be alone, enjoying being united with themselves. Periods of loneliness happen in the life of every person. For some, they sometimes become despondent and melancholy, while others use them for relaxation, improving their level of education, and broadening their horizons. What it will be like for you is up to you to decide.

Don't think that married people don't experience loneliness. Many married ladies remain misunderstood and unheard, living in a couple only for the sake of social status. Whether it is worth remaining unfree and unhappy, or living quietly alone - everyone chooses differently. The main thing is not to be inactive, but to move, develop, enjoy every day you live in the company of yourself.

People are lonely because instead of bridges

they build walls.

More often you hear and read from women with families and children that they are lonely. Some explain their feeling of loneliness solely by the fact that their husband has lost interest in them or has become completely immersed in work or hobbies and has stopped paying attention. Because of this, the woman felt abandoned and “useless to anyone.”

Other women feel unbearably lonely because their marriage is crumbling under the pressure of mutual misunderstanding and lack of emotional connection. And their beloved husbands cheat on them with their mistresses. And there is no strength to endure this betrayal of a loved one. But we have to live together, because we have children, a shared apartment, and we’re used to each other. They live hard and joylessly, alone together, but cannot part.

Still others suffer from a feeling of loneliness because they do not find any meaning in family, entertainment, and indeed in this consumer extravaganza of life. They seclude themselves voluntarily and do not allow anyone into their lives, while at first they are comfortable in their solitude, and only when they are among people, especially on holidays, do they acutely feel their loneliness.

And some consider themselves the smartest, so much so that they cannot communicate with the “lagging” opposite sex. They not only cannot find a mate, but consider it a pointless exercise. Lonely and proud, ALONE among fools... They feel discomfort, but do not realize its cause.

Why do people feel lonely?

Loneliness has many faces and manifestations. I am not talking here about pleasant solitude or physical solitude for a person. We are talking about an internal negative state - not feeling connected to other people: I AM ALONE.

Man is a collective being, and develops only among people and thanks to them. And humanity is a single system, self-developing and self-regulating, where everyone performs a specific function. It’s like cells and organs in the human body - they perform their function for the sake of the life of the whole organism. A cell that has ceased to perform its function for the benefit of the integrity of the entire body is destroyed by the system. The correct cell is not.

It’s the same with people who, in their suffering, have come to the feeling of “I am alone.” Any suffering tells us that a person does not fulfill its role given by nature. What is this role today reveals system-vector psychology, and therefore the causes of such conditions as loneliness.

We are accustomed to looking for reasons for their feelings of loneliness in the external environment- a husband who doesn’t understand us, cheats on us, people are idiots, an imperfect world that doesn’t give us what we deserve, but not in myself.

Modern knowledge of the eight-dimensional structure of the human psyche allows us to accurately differentiate our states and understand the reasons for the feeling of loneliness. Moreover, you can do this yourself without visiting a psychologist.

The problem of loneliness is more relevant for people with visual, sound and anal vectors in certain states.

Feeling of loneliness of the visual vector: I want to love, but I am constrained by fear.

A feature of the visual psyche is high emotional amplitude, receptivity, the desire to get close to a person, express your feelings to him and receive a response. People with a visual vector more subtly feel the mood, emotions of another, and enjoy intimacy with a person. They are the ones who can truly love: unselfishly and selflessly.

When they are deprived of this opportunity, they suffer. In fact, it is not someone who is depriving them of the opportunity, but they do not implement it themselves your true desire is correct.

“…. I found out that he had been partying all our life together... I followed the link from his mail and read his correspondence on a dating site... I told him about it, he began to deny it, said that he no longer sits there, what’s more? he won’t, he only loves me, like our relationship just wasn’t going well, so he was looking for distractions on the side. I always believed him, even when I understood that it was stupid and he was definitely deceiving. He swears his love, tried to kick her out more than once with weeks of hysterics, but he says he won’t leave. That's how we live.... I feel so bad, lonely and hurt... I believed him so much, but he always took advantage of it, he wouldn’t spend the night at home and would come as if nothing had happened...”

For example, it seems like there is a beloved husband, but he is unfaithful. And she can no longer give him love because of the resentment that stifles her. And the fear that has arisen that her husband will leave her alone constrains her and does not give way to her feelings. Fear does the exact opposite to us - it makes us feel sorry for ourselves and demand feelings for ourselves in order to enjoy them, to extinguish our fear.

Visual loneliness always means “I miss the person.” So I want an emotional connection with him, but I don’t realize this desire with action.. I don’t realize my rich emotional amplitude - I don’t give my feelings of love, affection, tenderness and I suffer from it.

The feeling of loneliness of a visual person may also be associated with a lack of reciprocity, a response from the object of affection. Unrequited love can make the viewer feel very lonely and self-pitying.

In any case, whether or not there is an object to create an emotional connection, if I feel loneliness, it means I am not realizing my feelings outward - to this world. I began to consume them for myself: they fear for themselves, and feel sorry for themselves. I have built a wall of fear between myself and people, and it gets thicker every day because my heart is silent.

Feeling of loneliness sound vector: alone among fools.

The peculiarity of a person with a sound vector is a constant internal search for meaning in everything. Egocentrism, his property, thanks to which he is focused on his inner world, on his thoughts, trying to express hidden states in words. This is his innate desire, but he has no desires for the physical world. The world outside is illusory for sound people, since there is no desire for it, like other vectors. Due to such features of the sound psyche, it has its own task - feel another person's state as if it were your own.

Solitude and silence, night time are very comfortable for sound engineers; in these conditions they can calmly hone their thoughts. That’s why the sound people say: “I love loneliness.”

The egocentrism of the sound artist is given by nature and is simply necessary for focusing on his states. However, he also becomes obstacle to development and knowledge, because focusing directly on oneself leads to an increase in emptiness, a feeling of loneliness and depression.

Sound loneliness as suffering is in the sense of not feeling people, a world for which I have no desire initially. Alone with his thoughts and states, closed in on himself, separated by his thoughts from the “mediocrity” of others, the sound artist mistakenly comes to the conclusion about his genius. I am the only one who is smart and searching, and everyone around me is a fool.

This is a dangerous condition that can result in a complete loss of sense of reality, as described here: http://tarvic.livejournal.com/50369.html. But this may not happen if every sound artist uses the tool to become aware of their psyche.

The feeling of loneliness of audio-visual people.

One part of such a person’s psyche is visual, striving to create an emotional connection with a person, and the other, sound, wants to be in solitude, think about meanings and merge with God. Both of these parts in me complement each other, and do not quarrel when I realize both desires outward. It looks like this: a spectator who wants to get closer, actively gives himself to people, shares his emotions, listens, empathizes, and willingly responds to the moods of others. We usually say that a person is in a good mood. And suddenly, a person withdraws from people, becomes thoughtful, demands peace and solitude, and keeps his distance. We usually say that he is in a bad mood today. In fact, a person is naturally thrown into sound after being filled with visual desire, and this is temporary. This is a normal alternation of states in auditory-visual people.

Contradiction and suffering arise when when there is no implementation these vectors, their natural roles. On the one hand, I wish for loneliness: my sound part of the psyche requires solitude, withdrawal into myself to compensate for external traumatic factors, for this I do not need people, and on the other hand, I suffer a lot because I cannot fulfill my visual desire - to give my feelings to a person .

The desire for the sound vector is dominant, and if a person experiences bad conditions for a long time - depression, a feeling of loneliness, he will not be able to follow the visual desire and go out to people: notice the beauty of nature, the mood of a loved one, understand his condition. On the contrary, he is closed in his egocentrism and cannot sense people. Without awareness of your conditions, it is impossible to get out of such loneliness.

Feeling of loneliness of the anal vector: resentment and memories.

The loneliness of a person with an anal vector is very often associated with the inability to enter into a relationship due to mental rigidity. The psyche of anal people is turned to the past, which in their feelings is always better than the present, and even more so the frightening future. A peculiarity of the psyche of anal people is that they digest changes slowly and do not know how to switch themselves quickly (compared to a skin person).
A man with an anal vector often hostage of the first relationship experience. For example, a man (with the skin vector, of course) left the family a long time ago, remarried, and she is an anal, faithful and honest woman who sits and suffers, and believes that everything can still be reversed... that you just need to wait and he will return... Sighs, remembering how good it was, grieves, cries. At the same time, resentment towards the person who left her settles in the soul. This destructive feeling that “I didn’t get enough, but I deserve it” is constantly growing, depriving me of the opportunity to act and enjoy life. And life passes in resentment and complete loneliness.

People who are insecure and have low self-esteem often suffer from feelings of loneliness..html

When the visual vector is added to the anal vector, a person suffering from a feeling of loneliness says that no one needs him and is not interesting. Visual emotionality increases anal resentment, a person has a hard time emotionally, he is inactive, unable, not knowing how to get out of the emotional trap:

“...fear, fear of being misunderstood, fear that they will turn away from you, etc. on the list...but, I want to note, this fear is justified, not out of nowhere. for obvious reasons ( there were a lot of negative experiences in the past, deception and betrayal) now I have enough on my own it's hard to believe that anyone could be interested in me..." Taken here: http://begushie.ru/

Today people are born multi-vector, and the presence of all three designated vectors in a person, if they are not realized, manifests itself in enormous suffering, and even serious illnesses.

There was a period in my life when I too suffered from a feeling of loneliness. Knowing how it works is a huge relief. Now I know for sure that the path from loneliness to happiness begins with understanding yourself:

Previously, I didn’t fit into groups (I judged people), everywhere felt isolated, separate. I have been producing wrong thoughts in my life. I began to understand...

If earlier I hated the whole world, or at least individual situations or individual people, now I have established a connection with this “hated” world, and to tell the truth, this connection is now positive.

…emptiness, huge black hole. You don’t want anything, you live by inertia, you don’t live, but you pull the burden of existence, every day, like Groundhog Day. Eternal insomnia, millions of fears, no interests. Not a person, but a ghost, and life somehow passes by and in vain.

... Houses I was going crazy alone...or slept 14-15 hours a day, trying to forget. What now? Changes.

...can’t get out of bed again, again there is no strength or desire to go somewhere or do something. You tear yourself out of bed, player in your ears, music louder and somewhere far away from here into the world of pleasant sounds and beautiful poetry. Taking off your headphones, you realize that nothing has changed... in you...

The article was written using training materials on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan