Psychology. My friend is not my friend: How to understand that something is wrong with your friendship A friend says unpleasant things

There is a girl named Masha in the same class with me. I've always treated her well. When problems started in her family, she tried to support her. Her classmates had hardly noticed her before, but I helped her make friends with everyone. One time I hid in the closet in the classroom and wanted to play a prank on her. As a result, I accidentally overheard the conversation. Masha told her friends all sorts of nasty things about me. It was very disappointing. I even had the urge to hit her. How to deal with this?

Ksyusha, 12 years old

It seemed to you that your classmate needed support, that she lacked attention. You tried to help, but she thought that you considered yourself better and more successful in some way. Maybe Masha was offended, but she didn’t show it?

By saying rude things about you, she tried to cope with her resentment. This, of course, is not the best way, but she did not find the courage to talk to you about her feelings. It was difficult for her to find words, just like it is for you now, because you are filled with anger. You write that you want to hit her. You can imagine this to reduce anger. But if you hit Masha for real, your resentment will not disappear, but her resentment will increase, and you will feel guilty. This is often even more difficult than dealing with resentment.

It's better to make up your mind and talk to her. Unexpressed anger can grow in the soul, leaving no room for good and kind feelings. Every person has both good and negative character traits, but we usually know little about shortcomings - it’s difficult to look at ourselves from the outside.

I think you need to tell each other how you feel (including what you don't like). For example: “Masha, when you say hurtful words about me, I feel betrayed. Maybe I also offended you somehow?” And then neither you nor Masha will have to crawl into the closet to hear what your classmates are saying about you.

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Many people think that childhood behavior is left behind once they grow up. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Some people still like to cause trouble. They behave just like at school, but it may be more difficult to notice such behavior. Deal with such friends once and for all! If you have a friend with whom the following signs can be seen, she may simply be using you.

She only calls when she needs something

You probably have a friend who you only hear about when she needs a babysitter, a car, or something like that. She always needs something from you. Of course, any friendship sometimes involves support and help, but it cannot be built on such relationships. If everything is wrong in your case, you are simply being used.

She doesn't listen to you

If you've already told your friend eight times that you're allergic to wool, and she comes over with the dog again, if she keeps forgetting your birthday, she might not be listening to you at all. A good friend doesn't have to remember every detail of your personal life, but he is interested in what matters to you. Paying attention to this is not at all so difficult.

She ignores you in public

Do you have a friend who immediately dumps you and acts like you're strangers when you're in a big group? This behavior may not be too obvious, but you just have to think about it - and you understand that in the company of other people, this friend does not sit next to you and does not even look in your direction. She doesn't want to be associated with you and hides from others that you are friends. This is not friendship! You need someone who will support you in any situation.

She cancels plans at the last minute

Even if she always has the perfect excuse, consider this: a friend who constantly cancels plans is bound to raise doubts. Apparently, you are not very high on her list of priorities, so every obstacle makes her less motivated to see you. Stay away from such a person.

You only talk about her

If you find yourself constantly hearing stories about her life, but can't remember the last time you told her about yourself, there is a serious problem in your friendship. Do you only listen and never speak? Perhaps it's because your friend never remembers to ask you the question. She is only interested in herself, so she does not think about the need to try to listen to each other.

She constantly argues with you

There is a difference between disagreeing with each other from time to time and arguing all the time. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but dealing with an argumentative person can be exhausting. There is no reason to behave this way all the time.

She upsets you

Insults can be almost invisible. Sometimes you don’t even understand what was said to you, only then realizing how negative the phrase was. There is no room for negativity in healthy friendships. If a person hurts your feelings and is not even upset about it, you cannot be called friends.

Every girl is surrounded by friends from early childhood and throughout her life. Everyone chooses for herself who to call this big word “friend” - it could be the girl with whom she played with the same toys in kindergarten, sat at the same desk at school, or the one who was always there and supported in difficult life situations . And you probably have friends, or only one, whom you consider the best. But what if you consider her almost your sister, but she actually treats you completely differently? Or you no longer feel comfortable in her company and realize that you would never treat her the way she treats you. However, cutting people out of life is not easy for everyone, and sometimes not everything is so simple. It can be difficult to understand who is in front of you - a real or a false friend. Anyone can encounter such a special person. Just remember Katy Perry and Taylor Swift! “For a long time I couldn’t understand whether we were friends or not. During events, he came up to me and said some things, after which I could not understand - was it a compliment, or did she insult me?” – I couldn’t figure it out.

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Tey. Perhaps Bad Blood could have been avoided if Tay had read our material. We have collected 7 signs that will help you recognize that your friend is not at all who she says she is. There is definitely no place for such a person in your life.

She makes fun of you

A false friend constantly makes cruel jokes about you, reminds you of all your failures and does not hesitate to laugh at you when you are not at all laughing. Of course, humor is an important part of a relationship, and what could be better than laughing together. The main word here is together. If all this is unpleasant for you, you should tell her about it directly. Remembering how you fell into a puddle in the second grade and walked around all day in dirty tights, or how you accidentally shaved off your eyebrow in the eighth grade can really be fun if the two of you are sitting together in pajamas. It’s good if a friend quietly and privately tells you about the stain on your skirt, or honestly confirms that you’ve gained a couple of kilos. But it’s terrible if she does it in the company of not so close acquaintances, and even more so in front of a guy you like. In this case, the false friend has one single goal - to embarrass you, put you in an unsightly light in front of others, or simply humiliate you in order to assert herself at your expense. You can, of course, try to figure out the reasons for her behavior, blame everything on her complexes, etc., but maybe she’s not your friend at all?

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She's talking about you behind your back

Agree, it is incredibly unpleasant to learn from third parties about what was said to a friend in private. Or find out from someone her opinion about you or your actions, which is completely opposite to what was said to you. Unfortunately, this is a false friend.

She doesn't feel the need to keep your secrets because she probably doesn't think they're that important.

She is not ashamed to discuss you with mutual friends, blurt out your secrets, and she will not defend you if she suddenly hears a negative review about you; moreover, she will happily support such a conversation, because she knows more about you than anyone else, and she will definitely what to say.

She insults you

Girlfriends love to give each other funny nicknames, the meaning of which only they know. Sometimes there are couples in which mutual insults are simply a feature of communication. It's okay if you're happy with everything and you know that these are common jokes. But a false friend deliberately says hurtful words, knowing for sure that this will hurt you. She crosses the line by saying things like "yes, I'm not serious" and "yes, it's a joke." If you already perceive her words as insults, then first of all, look at yourself, aren’t you doing the same? Think about your words, maybe her aggression is a response to your behavior? In any case, reduce the number of your own jokes that may offend her, and of course, talk about what worries you. If this doesn't work, then you have a false friend.

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She devalues ​​your successes

For some reason she believes that you cannot achieve anything on your own. I received a “five” for my essay, and the question immediately arises: “Where did you download it?”; worked all summer to buy a new phone, she asks: “Who gave it?”; performed at a school concert, and she suddenly: “You really screwed up the second part.” She sees only your shortcomings, never tires of reminding you of your mistakes and is unable to recognize your success. Friends, of course, are known in trouble, but they should also be able to sincerely rejoice. The main motive for this behavior is usually envy. If you are familiar with all of the above, your friend, alas, is not real.

She competes with you

It is important for her to always be better than you in everything. It doesn’t matter at all that she has been dancing for ten years, and you draw comics. A false friend cannot allow you to be more successful in anything than she is. For her, this is a kind of competition from which she must emerge victorious.

It doesn’t matter to her to win the competition, it’s important to her to beat you.

She doesn't want to be an excellent student, she wants to get grades higher than yours. She needs things more expensive and more beautiful than yours. Even she will only choose a guy who, in her eyes, will be better than yours. In such a situation, it is better not to succumb to provocations and not start a war, but simply continue to do what you like. You know what you have no equal in. Remember that winners focus on winning, losers focus on winners.

Alexandra Savina

Many of us are accustomed to believing that love is more important than friendship - and pop culture and public opinion only support this point of view. As a result, we know a lot about how we should be with a partner, but we rarely think that, for example, breaking up with a friend can be no less painful and that even the closest friend can turn out to be an abuser. We've collected a few signs that will help you understand that something is going wrong in your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend, and we've talked to girls who have experienced this first-hand.

Your friendship is a one-sided game

If everyone in your friendship is equal, but some are more equal than others, this is something to think about. Friendship implies that two people participate in it as equals and invest together in the relationship and its development: if one only takes, and the other gives his time and resources, without receiving anything in return, this balance collapses. Rita faced the same problem. (name changed at the request of the heroine. - Ed.): She quickly realized that her friendship with her classmate brought her more anxiety than joy.

Of course, in any friendship there are times when one needs more support than the other. But if you see that your friend does not care at all about your interests, feelings, desires and problems, and the relationship is built only in a way that is convenient for him or her, it’s time to take action.

You are required to provide emotional service

This point naturally follows from the previous one. People who are not interested in the problems and desires of others may behave self-centeredly and demand that friends solve their problems without giving anything in return. Of course, support is an important element of any close relationship, but you should not (and cannot) replace your friend with a therapist.

Hope says that in any difficult situation she became a “vest” for her friend - although she listened to her in response. According to the girl, her friend did not know how to put herself in the place of another and did not understand that her friend might find something unpleasant in her behavior. Nadezhda says that once an unforeseen situation occurred in her friend’s life and she took off from work to help: “I agreed with the right people and made sure that the problem could be solved that same day, in the evening. She set a time, and half an hour before, she wrote that she was going for a manicure and would be delayed for two hours. As a result, she didn’t come at all that evening, and the solution to the problem was postponed until the next morning.” According to Nadezhda, then she realized that her friend did not need her help and did not appreciate her efforts. After this incident they stopped communicating.

Your friend is gossiping

We all know that gossiping is bad - but we probably know someone who doesn’t see it as a big problem, or we even do it ourselves. The habit of talking about other people behind their back is toxic - especially if you notice that your boyfriend or girlfriend does it all the time. “[A person who gossips] has low self-esteem and focuses on other people's negative traits,” says relationship coach Julie Ward. “He wants to feel better by talking about other people’s problems.”

Pauline (name changed at the request of the heroine. - Ed.) says her ex-girlfriend regularly gossiped about people she knew. “Every time she quarreled with one of her friends, she told the others how badly this person was behaving,” says Polina. “Then after some time she made peace with the person and continued to communicate as if nothing had happened.” For some time, Polina supported these conversations - it seemed to her that her friend simply needed support - but later she noticed that the situation was repeated over and over again. “It all ended quite prosaically: my close friend quarreled with her, and I decided to stop communicating too. The fact that she constantly discussed others (and, as it turned out, me too - when I did not behave the way she would have liked) played an important role in this,” she says.

Your friend is not happy about your success

Being together in sorrow and in joy is important not only in romantic, but also in friendly relationships - but this does not always work out. “When a friend is jealous of you—either openly or secretly—you'll notice that they don't rejoice in your successes and that they much rather enjoy consoling you after failures,” says relationship expert and author April Masini. “It has to do with his self-esteem and sense of self.”

Rita says that it was difficult for her to talk with her friend not only about difficulties, but also about her own successes: “When I told her about something joyful that happened to me infrequently, she began to lament: “You see, everything is fine with you.” in life, but I don’t have a boyfriend even a quarter with two B’s.” It was turning into absurdity." If your friend perceives your relationship as a competition or believes that your successes overshadow their own, it is worth considering the nature of your friendship.

Your friend is jealous of you

As we age, it becomes more difficult for us to spend as much time with friends as before: work, family, study, relationships and other matters can take up a lot of energy. But while some friends take this situation calmly and try to enjoy the time you get to spend together, others find it painful - and may even be offended if they find out that you were seeing someone else instead of spending your free hours on him . If a friend is offended by you because you communicate with other people or have your own plans in which he is not involved, this is not a very good sign.

Olga says that a similar thing happened to her school friend: towards the end of university they began to spend less time together. “When we talked a lot, I didn’t notice this, and then it became more obvious: she began to make claims that I was not paying her enough attention, that I went where I wanted, and not where my friend wanted,” she says. “She started reprimanding me for not paying attention to her problems, for not constantly solving them, stuff like that.” At some point, Olga realized that all her conversations with her friend boiled down to listening to complaints, and decided that she didn’t need it: “I just stopped communicating with her, and after some time I started receiving text messages like, ‘I found someone -that's conscience. Did you accidentally lose it?’” According to Olga, later her friend realized that she was behaving incorrectly and tried to change tactics.

You are being manipulated

Psychological violence can occur not only in partnerships, but also in any other relationships, including friendly ones. If you feel that a person is using you to achieve his goals, trying to force you to do something that is beneficial to him and that you do not want to do, this is a wake-up call.

Anna tells how her friend tried to manipulate her: she put pressure on her, made her feel guilty, tried to prove that the girl was obliged to do what she didn’t want. “I’ll be honest: it directly affected my depressed state, I really felt guilty,” she says. - As a result, with the growth of my awareness and confidence, I realized that I was sacrificing too much, almost constantly, that this relationship was a burden for me and that I was simply being used. The gap was “dirty” and noisy. My friend tried to attract everyone to my “vile” act (I dared to leave her and refuse her another request, saying at the same time that our friendship was over). She made a scandal, called my boyfriend and me with insults, demanding to immediately apologize and do what she wants.”

You only communicate when a friend needs something from you.

In English there is an expression “convenience friend” - this is the name of a person with whom another person communicates only when he needs something. If you feel that you are constantly helping a friend with his problems and affairs, supporting him when he needs help, but when you need help, you do not receive anything in return - this is a reason for a serious conversation.

“She easily canceled plans when I was already putting on my shoes on the threshold of the apartment. It was easy to linger at a manicure to chat with the manicurist when I had already ordered pizza and was waiting for it,” says Nadezhda. - One of the saddest moments was that she did not trust me with some personal information, changed the topic and ignored the question, and then it turned out that three other friends knew about it. It would seem: oh well! But at the same time she called me her best friend. Perhaps she was lying."

Friendship brings stress instead of joy

Ideally, friendship is a healthy relationship that brings you positive emotions and impressions: if one of the components is missing, you should at least talk about the problem. Friendships should help each of you become better people: if you feel like you're bringing out qualities in each other that you don't like or destructive habits, it's time to reconsider the relationship, even if you're having incredible fun together.

“Everyone has toxic friends,” says Lydia. - Often these are old school friends or former colleagues. People with whom we maintain contact rather out of politeness and good memory, but who, unfortunately, do not saturate us with energy, and more often, on the contrary, take it away. We postpone the meeting until the last moment, and when we still have to do it, we come, listen, try to answer cheerfully and politely, until at some point we feel like breaking down, cutting the person off mid-sentence, or rudely answering a completely inappropriate and strange question.” . Friendships don't have to be stressful and worrying: If you don't feel comfortable even thinking about meeting your friend, is the relationship really what you want?

Envy is a common feeling in friendships between women. Sometimes it happens that you turn out to be something better than your friend. And if you feel that she is not happy about your successes and victories, then most likely she is jealous of you.

Basically, envy is a good feeling, but only when it is white and not black. If your friend openly says that she envies you and wants to achieve the same success as you, there is nothing wrong with that. Such friendship with a share of white envy not only strengthens communication, but also provides an opportunity to develop together, reach new heights and learn something from each other, share and gain invaluable experience.

But what to do if your friend is extremely jealous?

How to recognize envy and what ways to deal with it in order to maintain friendship? What might your girlfriend be jealous of? A good job, a successful career, ideal relationships in the family and with your significant other, talents, abilities, character and even appearance. You can find any number of reasons for envy!

How to understand that your friend is jealous of you

• If a friend has changed her attitude towards you or you have noticed some changes in her behavior towards you, you should not immediately think that she is jealous of you. Often, feelings of envy can be confused with other emotions. What behavior of a woman can indicate her envy of you?

• If, while talking about your career and successes at work, your friend is noticeably bored, yawns or sits with an indifferent expression on her face. He's not very happy to hear about your achievements!
• If, when communicating with a friend, you involuntarily feel awkward because you are happy and everything suits you in life, then in this case you can also talk about envy. Without words, without a look, without any other manifestations, you can energetically feel black envy.

• If your friend tries to imitate you in everything, then she is jealous. This may be unconscious, but in any case, such a situation in friendship is not normal.
• If a friend is actively discouraging you from making any decisions or actions that could later lead you to success, then you should seriously think about whether she really wants the best for you?
• If your friend is always there for you when you feel bad, when you have troubles, and tries in every possible way to calm you down and support you, this is a sign of a good and faithful friendship between you. But if during periods of joy and success she is not around, she avoids meeting with you, then a simple conclusion follows from this - she is unpleasant about your successes.

• Notice how her mood changes when you talk to her about events in your life.

If she actively discusses your problems and failures, and directly blossoms in her desire to help you, when she perceives your joys and successes indifferently, then, most likely, this is a manifestation of envy.

• How to deal with your friend's envy

• Talk to her frankly. Try not to use the words “envy” in the conversation. Pretend that you have no idea about her feelings. She won't be very happy if you accuse her of being jealous. Identify her problem that she needs to solve. For example, if you feel that she is jealous of your relationship with a man, then help her find her soulmate. Help tactfully and carefully.
• If a friend is jealous of your appearance, then help her transform herself! Give her compliments and praise her more often.
• Don't use themes that irritate her.

Never belittle her successes and achievements, even if they are negligible compared to yours. Let your friend feel confident in herself.