Child or career? You can have both! Children or work - what is more important? Kids are more important than work or how long you last.

Sooner or later, every woman faces a dilemma - what is more important, a child or a career? As soon as a newborn appears in the crib, a woman can think of nothing but diapers, breastfeeding techniques and teething. At this time, professional growth ceases to interest her. But she must be prepared for the fact that in time she will have to decide whether she will return to her former profession, seeking career growth, or she will remain a "professional mother".

Do you think it is possible to combine family, parenting and career together? Perhaps the majority will answer; but you must understand that this is possible mainly with the support of a partner, relatives or friends. With the help of close people, many women were able to continue building their careers after the birth of a child.

Attitude towards women remains traditional

I must say that in the 21st century in the labor market, the distribution of promising jobs between men and women often depends on the traditions and prejudices of the past. For some reason, it is generally accepted that a man is the “breadwinner and head of the family”, and a woman is primarily a “mother and housewife”. "Church, kitchen, children" - these are the main restrictions, with which, like an invisible fence, they still often try to limit the interests of a woman. Even today, in our time, most employers consider any young woman primarily a potential mother. Or a woman is discriminated against while preparing to become a mother.

Different women, different desires

Every woman can choose her way of life in accordance with her free, independent decision. Although today we are talking mainly about the choice between family, children and career, there are so many women for whom this decision does not present any dilemma. For them, the decision is clear and does not require reflection - they want to have children! And they want to start a family.

At the opposite extreme, there are quite a few women who love their jobs and put so much effort into moving up the corporate ladder that they don't want children. Their profession is much more important for them and brings more satisfaction and opportunities for self-fulfillment than taking care of the family.

However, there are also many women who are somewhere in between: they want to have a family, but at the same time understand that, having given quite a lot of time to study, they want to achieve something more in life than just giving birth and raising children. . And they are well aware that, having children, they will be forced to find enough free time to be able to take care of their family. This, of course, can only be done at the expense of a career. And one more thing: women understand that the day will come when the children will grow up and leave the nest; And then what to do with the newly acquired free time? After all, time is lost, a career is not made ...

We should also mention women who would be happy to stay at home with their children as much as possible, but for financial reasons cannot afford it.

How to find the optimal solution?

From the very beginning it should be said that the optimal solution for each woman will be different, and it is very difficult to generalize the situation. The decision should be based on the desires and needs of the woman herself. Even the Delphic oracle above the entrance had an inscription - "Know thyself." Most likely, in ancient mythology, this statement means that no one can escape his fate, and by studying himself, a person will be able to know his future. But in our time, we can interpret this saying in a different way: we always have many ways and means of solving our problems; listen to your desires, recognize the motives for these desires, evaluate your capabilities - and manage your life in accordance with your deepest desires. This is the only way to understand what is more important for you personally - children or a career; as soon as it becomes clear to the woman herself, the decision will immediately come.

For many women, the question is not whether or not to have a family or a career; the main question for them is how to make these two most important components of our life optimally combine with each other. Modern women don't want to give up their family, but they don't want to give up life outside of their family either. Psychologists call such throwing intrapsychic conflicts - when a person suffers from a contradiction between what his body, mind and soul wants and what he has in reality.

Trying to understand ourselves, we must not forget that our behavior and our decision-making are greatly influenced by our ideals and ideas. It has become quite common among women that the ideal woman is able to combine both a career and caring for children and home. When making a decision for ourselves, we must remember that in real life it is unlikely that both will be 100% good.

Which way to choose?

No matter how difficult, yet every woman has the opportunity to follow her choice. There are not so many options, but each of them can be ideal for one of you:

Become a mother immediately after graduation or at the very beginning of a career. This situation has great advantages in that the woman is at the ideal age to conceive and have a child. She is full of strength and energy, and all her strength is aimed at creating a new way of life (family, husband and child). She does not have to take precious minutes of communication from her loved ones for the sake of work.

There is one big advantage in staying at home with a child - for three years we have the opportunity to influence the upbringing of the child. During this time, you can teach him the basic rules of behavior, we can teach him to manage anger, disappointment, instill good habits in him. And the child will not suffer from the lack of closeness and love from the mother - what could be more important?!

However, this option may have its drawbacks - the woman will return to work and start her career as a beginner, and will be on the same level with recent graduates, being several years older than them. In addition, some professions require retraining, taking courses (for example, doctors or teachers), and a woman will have less time for family and home.

Postpone motherhood to a later date. Then the woman will be able to calmly complete her education, survive the period of practice, gain experience and make a career. Having become a mother, such a woman will be able to safely return to work when the baby grows up. Returning to work will not be a "leap into the unknown" for her.

This solution has some significant drawbacks: after they feel like real professionals at work, it is difficult for some women to interrupt their career growth and adapt to the role of a disinterested guardian of a small creature. And yet, most importantly, a woman who has postponed the birth of a child at a more convenient time for herself, every year more and more approaches the age when it becomes more and more difficult to conceive, and pregnancy becomes more and more difficult. In addition, such a woman most often gives birth to only one child; she simply does not have time to give birth to a second or more. But often then she has to regret the lost time - having finally known the joy of motherhood, many women want to have several children. After giving birth, a woman often realizes that the pursuit of money and a career is inherently ephemeral, while a child is our tangible continuation, our future.

Have kids and keep working. This path has several options and largely depends on the woman herself and on her environment. It also largely depends on the age of the child and the number of children in the family. Relatives and older children can help a working woman take care of a baby. In the end, the father of the baby can go on parental leave, especially if the wife ends up with higher earnings. In such situations, much depends on how demanding a woman is, or vice versa, undemanding in housekeeping and raising children. If you are satisfied with the way others are doing it, then it will be easier for you to leave the house for helpers and go to work. Or you simply will not spend precious time off work on putting things in perfect order, but spend it communicating with children. And then the career and the birth of a child will not conflict for you.

I must say that high-quality child care does not depend at all on how much time you spend with him every day, but on how much time you devote directly to him, how often you respond when the child needs you. A woman who plays with her child for only an hour or two after work, but at the same time teaches him something, tries to build open and friendly relations, is a much better mother than that woman who keeps her child in sight all day, but This is mostly done by himself, watching TV or chatting with friends.

Continue to work? Why not!

If you have a good employer who appreciates you as a promising employee, then you can find the best solution that is acceptable to both parties. Each side will make some concessions to serve each other's interests.

For example, there are employers who allow part of the work to be done at home. They will even be happy if the woman continues to do work outside the office - the main thing is not to lose a good specialist.

If it happens that you cannot find a common language with your employer, do not despair. If you are a good specialist, you will always find a job. In addition, while the child is small, you can work in a newly acquired specialty - try, for example, to complete makeup courses or accounting courses. Now there are many specialties that are easy to get while on maternity leave, and then work at home or via the Internet. The main thing is to choose exactly what you will be really interested in, then it will be easier to earn money. If, moreover, you have a loving partner who is ready to support you, then very soon you will be able to make sure that everything will go like clockwork - and the baby will be supervised, and money will begin to flow into the family budget.

Fortunately, most women can rely on a partner, grandparents or other relatives who usually help in the first critical moments. This is also very useful for your partner - close communication with the child contributes to the emergence of a special relationship with the baby, and he himself will be taught to be a father (after all, for him this is not as natural as in the case of a mother).

Children are our joy and happiness

Every healthy woman should experience the joy of motherhood. A child is the true destiny of a woman. Motherhood is the best thing that can happen in a woman's life. The smile of a little princess or prince is an indescribable reward for pain and tension, fatigue and any hardship. Of course, the birth of a child contributes to a decrease in the financial well-being of the family, and this often becomes one of the main reasons for postponing motherhood for later years. In the case of single mothers, we are talking about literally fighting for every penny. Sometimes this stage of life becomes a big test for a woman; but women are usually strong in spirit and pass this test with honor.

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I need my mother's warmth and care. However, it will be much more interesting for him to communicate with a woman who has a broad outlook and education.

Psychologists and educators say that the baby cannot be harmed by the fact that the mother works. A child may feel unhappy and abandoned even if his loved ones are constantly at home. He does not need a housewife mother suffering from insolvency and depression, but he will not be happy with a mother who is only busy with work. And then you need a nanny for your child so that you can do your job. But I personally raised my son myself and did not even send him to kindergarten. I could not even imagine that he would not be next to me at least for a minute.

Home type moms.

Half a century ago, a girl who couldn't bake a cake or embroider a napkin felt inadequate. In today's world, the situation is completely different. Women strive to earn at least for their clothes.
If, then acquaintances among themselves call her a loser and a white crow.

The career of a homemaker and a good mother is no worse than the position of chief accountant or head of the legal department. Psychologists and doctors advise to sit with the baby until he reaches 3-5 years of age. Indeed, at this time, core values ​​are determined, interests and characters are formed. You must monitor his physical and mental development to help him if the need arises.

Those who were looked after by their mother, and not by a nanny or grandmother, will endure the transitional age much easier. However, mom should avoid the most common mistakes. There is absolutely no need to overprotect the baby. Even if you are with the baby all the time, he needs to gain life experience himself. Do not turn into a housewife with curlers and a worn dressing gown. Take advantage of maternity leave and educate yourself.

About mothers who have completely devoted themselves to the family, they say: “Poor woman! He sits at home all the time and does not see anything around him. But they are very mistaken, such a woman devotes herself to her family and from this she is happy.

Business type mom.

Mom can return to work for several reasons. Maybe she has nothing to support the baby. If the baby asks you: “Why are you leaving again?”, You should not answer: “If I don’t work, I won’t be able to buy toys and clothes for you.” You need to answer something like this: "I work to buy you all the best."

If you do not experience problems with money, but really want to work, you do not need to stay at home. Just explain to the baby that you love to work.

There is another reason why mothers strive to return to work as soon as possible. Many quickly get tired of diapers, diapers, monotonous environment and lack of communication. In this case, it is desirable to go to work. Remember that a child does not need an irritated mother who rips everyone into a bad mood.

However, you may not hear the first word or see the first step. Just do not consider yourself a "cuckoo". After all, the only thing that matters is how exactly you communicate with the baby. If, for example, after returning from work, you start preparing dinner or washing clothes, then it is unlikely that you will be able to communicate with your child. In this case, you should distribute household chores among relatives, as well as purchase a dishwasher and washing machine.

All babies grow up little by little. You'll see, soon your baby will start showing off: "My mom is a lawyer!"

Perfect option.

The best option is if the mother spends all the time with the kids until they go to school. However, at the same time, she needs to engage in self-education, take care of herself and improve her professional skills. She may well find a job with flexible hours or work from home. The most important thing is to correctly allocate time. Just don't work at night. After all, the feeling of fatigue and weakness will only exacerbate the situation.

Recently, in my practice as a psychologist, there are many cases when it is difficult for a mother to make a choice - to devote herself to children or continue to work, make a career. How to make the right decision in the case when the family is important, and you don’t want to forget your interests? First I will give the story of one mother, and then my comment.

I am one of those mothers who are more interested in work and their own hobbies than classes with children. I have two children - my son is 9 years old, my daughter is 6. From the second decree until my daughter's five years, I worked a little at home (I'm a translator), but in the end I realized that I was starting to go berserk. As a result, my husband and I changed: now I work, and he is with the children. Of course, he does not "sit" at home, because. children have a busy schedule of classes to which they need to be taken, because we live in the village, and the school and other classes are in the city. Plus, a subsidiary farm - goats and sheep, my husband became interested in this and is actively engaged in it. In general, I would not have coped with such a volume of work.

And now I am happy to go to work and home. Of course, the children miss me a little, but according to my feelings, it’s better than being with them all the time, while feeling my unfulfillment and periodically taking out my irritation on them.

My mother has a different opinion and constantly criticizes me for the fact that I "abandoned" the children. And I, remembering my childhood, think that I would very much like my mother then (and now, of course) to allow herself to have her own interests outside the family.

So, on one side of the scale we have work and other adult interests in life (perhaps, a material bonus is also attached to the interest). And on the other - a child or children (already grown up, 3-4 years old and older). And you don't know what to choose. Work - with the attached feeling of guilt for having "abandoned" the children. Or children, with the accompanying feeling of annoyance and anger at the fact that because of them you do not have a job or hobbies.

If you choose a job, then guilt is the payment for choosing yourself, for refusing the public (mother) to follow stereotypes. And, in principle, a normal feeling of guilt will help you with redoubled energy to take care of the house and children when you are not at work, so to speak, to catch up and be at least a little "good" in the eyes of the public (mother).

If you choose children, then the child is viewed by you (you may not even realize it) as an obstacle, an obstacle on the way to something very tempting. And what feelings usually causes an obstacle? Anger, irritation. But a "good" mother (and it's important for you to be "good" mom, since you sacrificed yourself for the sake of the child) will not allow himself to have such feelings for his own child and will carefully hide them. Those. to be such an intensely loving mother. And from time to time it will drain its tension to the child. The baby (or no longer a baby) will make sure that the mother has enough reasons to "sewer" her feelings. He will be aggressive or excessively whiny, will misbehave or destroy everything around. In a word, do everything possible so that his mother does not burst with anger.

In addition, such a mother will make sure that the child appreciates what "sacrifices" she made for him, and will also give the child a sense of guilt. And here such an interesting thing happens. It's called a vicious circle. A child who has grown up with guilt will find it difficult to take steps in life that can increase this guilt (for example, choosing a favorite job). He will "sacrifice" himself, passing on to his children what he once received from his mother. Feeling guilty about your existence in this world.

The choice is yours!

And one more thing - about trying to earn the approval of my mother. Leave it. Nothing will come of it. We are adults when we do adult things, make difficult choices, and take responsibility for it. And when we want our mother to approve us, we are children. And at once together (an adult and a child) we can not fit. You have to either stay "small" and get mom's approval. Or "grow up", but at the same time do not expect that our parents will approve of us. If you like, the ability to withstand the disapproval of parents is an indicator of our adulthood, the degree of our separation from our parents. We are now our own adults. We approve of ourselves, we criticize ourselves. It's good if we approve more often.