Why do men make empty promises? Types of men with whom you should not enter into a serious relationship

I had a friend. One day he says to me: “Lend me some money. Seven thousand rubles."

This happened at the beginning of the 2000s, the amount was considerable at that time. Or does it just seem that way to me now? Doesn't matter. The main thing is that he took the money and disappeared. Despite the fact that before that we communicated almost every day, on the whole we got along, and in general, nothing foreshadowed. However, he disappeared. Not immediately, but, as is expected in such cases, gradually.

The scenario was standard: at first - assurances that he would give it back soon, then he stopped picking up the phone when I called him. He called back less and less, began to ignore my text messages, and slowly but surely disappeared from the horizon.

The nuance is that, despite all our close communication, I did not know where he worked (they were talking about something else), and keeping watch over him at his house on the other side of the city was difficult and somehow stupid. We also didn’t have any mutual acquaintances. In short, everything is one to one. And now six months pass, I’m already beginning to forget (not giving up, however, the dream of breaking his arms and legs) when Seryozha called. He asks for forgiveness without explaining - we must give him his due - the reasons, since any explanation in such a situation would be a meaningless lie, even if it turned out to be true. He assures that he will return the money - with excusable interest on top of what was taken. You'll be home on Thursday after eight, I'll come over? Yes, I will, I answer. Great, he says. Sorry again.

Eight months later. I cross the road, and the first one in the far right lane in front of the traffic light is his car. I unfold the Vedomosti, put it on the hood and sit on top. “Give me my money, I’m waiting,” I say. He gets out, takes out his wallet, digs around, and pulls out half the amount. No, they say, I’m sorry, and that’s what it is. When I ask about the rest, I understand that it is useless: everything will be as it already was. I’ll give it back by the end of the week, he says. And got back into the car.

What could I do? Punch him in the face? It would be nice. I tried. However, when I grabbed the door, it turned out that it was locked. I had to kick this very door, leaving a decent dent. These are your excused percentages, I say. Without opening the window, he read my lips and drove off.

There is only one thing surprising in this story - Sergei turned out to be not who I thought he was. Everything else is generally clear. It is interesting, however, that the question is - why show up six months later, if it is already clear that there will be no money? - arose only among the women to whom I told this story. Moreover, they reacted very emotionally, and Sergei, as a rule, aroused in them terrible, burning hatred. Okay, I took it and didn’t return it, but why call and promise if you’ll deceive me anyway, they said, turning not so much to me as to their own, as I understand it, heartfelt experience. Simply put, they projected classic money deception onto male deception in general.

What could I say to them in response? That their question is rhetorical and eternal? That making promises is more dangerous than not wanting to make them? That promises are a credit of trust, which, although taken on favorable terms - without interest - still remains a loan. And this, as you know, is a scheme in which the one who took it will always be glad not to return what he took. And the creditor will inevitably begin to cause irritation.

Here you also need to keep in mind the difference between the promises that men make to each other and the promises to women. In the first case, failure to fulfill what was promised is simply a fact in itself, in the second there is a fact and a bunch of aggravating circumstances: where he promised, how he looked, how many days (exact number) he did not call, what he was wearing (“that stupid green hat of his... That’s how I felt, you can’t trust a man wearing such a hat!”).

“Women talk to each other the same way men talk to men. But women always pay attention to details” - Amy Winehouse was right three hundred times.

A woman wants to take a man’s word, she often insists and at the same time always admits that she is being deceived. Such, you know, the feverish trembling of a card player who has put everything on the line and is watching the hand. “Keep what you promise” is one of the fetishes of the weaker sex in relation to the stronger sex, an important item in the list of traits of the ideal Him, well, you know, “a real man always keeps his word.”

It is, in general, correct and understandable: the one who can be responsible for his words is cool and has a wide back (which, of course, any woman really wants to hide behind, even if she goes for a technical inspection herself and has mastered the iPad without outside help). At the same time, the inability to keep promises is almost the main complaint against men. Type the keywords “man” and “promises” into Google - the three most popular options will automatically appear in the window: “a man does not keep promises”, “a man does not keep promises” and - only the third number - “a man keeps promises”. Moreover, if you try this most optimistic option, you will see links to texts with the headings “Why men don’t keep their promises,” “Empty and false promises of men about love to their supposedly loved ones...” and “How to make a man keep his promises.” Hmmm, here it is, reputation.

Not for the purpose of self-defense, but I will note: most often a man promises something that he will not fulfill for two reasons: in an effort to wishful thinking (to show himself better than he really is, to gain the notorious credit of trust) or hoping to get away from the conflict, hoping to put out the fire with the magic words “I promise.” Although no, I’m lying, there is a third reason, and it is very important. This is pressure from a woman. It sounds pathetic, and yet let’s admit, girls, that you often put pressure on us, creating a situation in which it is almost impossible not to promise. Although no one argues, a man has his own head on his shoulders, and if he blurted out something without thinking, on the spur of the moment, this hardly justifies him.

I’m not saying that every empty promise we make is the woman’s fault, and, of course, the man who pulled the wool over the lady’s ears takes full responsibility for what was said. However, female blackmail, often perhaps unintentionally, is a common thing. Tears, pouting lips. Offended tone. Denial of sex. Anything goes. I am wrong?

While you are throwing stones at me, I will tell you a story. Unfortunately, every woman has enough examples of classic male deception in her memory stash, so I won’t add fuel to the fire. My story has a happy ending, which, however, no one expected.

A friend of mine dated a girl for several years. Oddly enough, the girl didn’t really dream of marriage, but she wanted a child. And slowly but surely it led to this. The friend kicked back. It’s not that he didn’t want to, it’s not that he didn’t love his girlfriend - well, he was just afraid of the unknown, which is why he hesitated. But the screws were tightened, and at some point there was nowhere to retreat.

One fine winter night - again under the influence of the moment - my friend promised that he would give his beloved everything she wanted for her birthday. A friend wanted a child. Okay, said the friend and began to count how long he had left to live. The birthday was scheduled for December 15th. There were two weeks left. Of course he deceived her.

Conception did not happen. What he said there, what reasons he made up, it doesn’t matter now. The main thing is that the project did not take place. There was a hell of a scandal, my friend packed her things and left. On New Year's Eve they met in the apartment of mutual friends, and the friends specially arranged everything - they invited both. Friends, on the one hand, behaved incorrectly and interfered in someone else’s personal life, but, on the other hand, they did everything right. In short, the couple met, had a fight again, and made up closer to the morning. They did conceive a child - however, almost a year later, in November, and this is the very case when it’s better late. Why is it better late?

Because the new year was 1998. There was a default in August. Both lost their jobs. By November, things had more or less improved - it wasn’t that the work had turned out to be decent, but it had turned out in principle, which was already cool in that situation. Then everything began to improve and by the summer it was almost back to its original position. Their son was born in July 1999. And if they had conceived on December 15, 1997, they could have been born, it’s clear when, do the math for yourself. By not keeping his word, my friend got into big problems, but avoided even bigger ones: giving birth to a child in the midst of a crisis is, you know, not a fountain.

Of course, this is just an accident, an exception to the rule, which does not at all justify failure to fulfill a given word, but the winners are not judged, right?

Barbra Streisand once said, “I could make a whole book out of the promises men made to me in bed.” Remember these golden words, and your life will be much easier.

And finally. If a man promises and NEVER keeps his word, this is a diagnosis. Draw conclusions as quickly as possible. If mistakes happen... well, they just happen, then you need to be careful in your judgments. And consider each mistake separately.

Yes, and I have a request to you - don’t push. Otherwise, we know these twists of female logic.

She: I want this and that.

He: I can not. (Tears, lips, refusal of sex.)

He: OK then.

She: Do you promise?

He:(with a sigh) Yes.

He did not keep his promise.

She: You lied to me! Why?

He: Because you put pressure on me!

She: SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE IN! I WOULD STAND ON MY OWN! OR ARE YOU NOT A MAN?

After all, women are fantastic creatures. Thank you for being here.

PS. The friend we were talking about at the beginning, the one who cheated me out of money, many years later was left without a business. He lent everything he had, hoping to receive a substantial commission. And he didn’t receive anything - neither the commission nor what he gave. I have nothing to do with this. But when I found out, as you understand, I didn’t cry. Still, credit of trust, hmm, is a delicate thing.

Women always expect a man to be a man of his word. They sincerely believe that if you don’t keep your promise, then you’re not a man. That's why they think that men should always restrain them. But having started a serious relationship, women become disappointed.

It’s rare that a man always promises and keeps it; more often he simply breaks his promise and disappoints his beloved. At this moment, women ask themselves, why promise if you still don’t deliver?

Reasons why a man behaves this way

1. In order not to offend

Almost always a man knows in advance whether he will keep his promise or not, but even if he knows that he will not keep it, he promises anyway. Why? Quite often simply because doesn't want to offend his girlfriend. Women themselves provoke such unpleasant behavior . They really want to hear this promise and sometimes it is better to promise and not fulfill than not to promise at all. The woman desires this promise and by her behavior forces him to give it. Will you marry me? Certainly! Are you and I going to go to Italy? Naturally, only later.

If a man said that he did not intend to get married, then the girl would definitely throw a scandal, but there seems to be a promise, but there are no deadlines, so it can take a lifetime to fulfill. She’s not offended, but it’s a weight off his shoulders. It’s the same with a vacation, the man understands that he doesn’t have the funds for this trip, but the woman wants it, so don’t be upset.

2. Create an illusion

Not everyone lives the way they want. But the belief that you are about to live the life you want can support a relationship for many years and make it quite happy. Promises are made to create a happy illusion. “I promise you that in a year I’ll get a job as a boss, and then we’ll start living! I promise that we will soon buy ourselves an apartment or move to the suburbs, to our own house.” This illusion helps both to exist. It's nice to believe in a happy future. And if after a year a woman asks what’s going on with the promotion, then you can always say that it will only happen in another year.

3. Husband earns credit

When a man promises something, he gains credibility. They begin to treat him better, not only by the girl he loves, but also by those around him. The promise allows him to exist comfortably . For example, he promised that he would quit smoking in a month, which means that this month you can smoke without conscience. he won’t nag that he smokes all the time and doesn’t think about quitting, and the thought that he will soon get rid of this disgusting tobacco smell in the car and won’t spend money on cigarettes warms his soul, his colleagues are also happy, the man is in a good mood.

Everything is going great, and when the deadline for fulfilling the promise comes, you can always delay it due to unforeseen circumstances. For example, stress, workload, a reprimand from the boss, and you can smoke for another month and then come up with something else.

All in all, Most men make promises because they believe that women need this promise.. Everyone expects this promise from them and not to promise means doing badly to everyone around them and, especially to her, her beloved. This is how promises keep getting postponed or not fulfilled at all.

Another small reason why a man may not fulfill his promise is a woman's belief that he will not fulfill it. After all, girls love to say: “I knew you wouldn’t do it.” Some men claim that they do not fulfill the promise specifically so that the woman has the opportunity to speak out and say her famous “I knew it.” But this, of course, is an extreme case.

How to fix the situation?

If you want a man to never make empty promises and fulfill everything he says, then believe in him and don’t show that a promise is important to you just as a promise . Tell him that you set certain goals and they must be achieved. If you are going to go on a trip, then suggest that he open a bank account and save into it every month for his dream trip, rather than making an empty promise.

Make sure your husband takes small steps towards achieving a big goal. And if the promise is not global, but important to you, then just warn him that you won't be offended if he says he can't do it, but if you promised, then you must definitely do it. This will eliminate frustration and increase the chances that promises will be kept.

I won’t reveal the secret by saying that all men are different, but there is something in them that unites them all. On purpose or not, each of them at least once made a promise that they ultimately did not fulfill. I said it and forgot.

And for some reason we wait for what was promised, as the proverb says, for three years. It is not at all a fact that the man did not fulfill his promise by nature or by malicious intent.

He promised to call yesterday morning, but now it’s evening today and the phone is silent. He promised to help your mother with renovations, take you shopping for the weekend, or take your child to see a cartoon. Oh, he didn’t promise anything, a trip abroad in the summer, or nailing down a shelf, and no matter what he promised you the same result, he didn’t keep his promise to you. Why did he do this? Did I want to upset you or is lying in men’s blood? He did this for the same reason that you promised your mother as a child, not to eat snow and to clean up your room, just to leave him alone.

Or maybe he just forgot? Not because he has a hole in his head, but simply his memory pushes aside events and matters that are subconsciously not significant to him. For the same reason, you have more than once forgotten to bring a film to a colleague that you had long promised to let him watch or call a friend to chat. Memory “likes to push things into the background” that are not of particular importance and value.

Failure to keep promises does not characterize a man from the bad side. And this does not mean that he cannot be trusted at all. If he didn't fulfill his promise to take you to a restaurant, this does not mean that he won't fulfill his promise to marry you.

If a man occasionally makes promises that he then doesn’t keep, due to other more important matters or other circumstances, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s another matter if throwing words to the wind has become his habit, it has become his second nature. Is it possible to fight this and how to make a man keep his promises?

You can try several ways to influence empty talkers. The simplest one is to explain your attitude towards his unfulfilled promises. Tell me how it offends you, how important it is for you to know that when he makes a promise, he will fulfill it. A loving and caring person should listen and take note of this. Although, another may simply promise not to do this again.

Remind that it is better to refrain from making promises at all than to be branded a liar and a deceiver.

You can use a method called “mirror”. That is, in some situations, do the same as him, do not fulfill promises. For example: promise him a romantic dinner followed by a stormy continuation and fail to deliver. Or, as if by accident, forget to fulfill his request. Make him feel how unpleasant it is to deal with someone who doesn't keep his promises.

You can, of course, stand above your soul and demand that you fulfill everything you promised. But this method almost never works. Men are only irritated and repulsed by the persistent imposition of something on them.

And how often do we think about whether what a man says is a promise? When, after a delicious dinner, he suggests going to a restaurant sometime to save you from having to cook. Or when in response to your question: “Darling, will you buy me a fur coat?” he replies: “Darling, I’ll think about it.” In such cases, women perceive this as a promise, but the man does not at all.

Of course, a lot depends on the promise the man made to you. If, in a fit of tenderness, he said that he would carry you in his arms all his life and shower you with flowers. It is unlikely that you will see a picture in which a decrepit old man is trying to raise you up or spending his entire pension on a bouquet for you. And if he promised to quit smoking and go in for sports, is it right to demand that he fulfill his promise? In this case, everyone has the right to their own habits, everyone is responsible for their health. It’s another matter if bad habits have developed into a disease, for example, alcoholism, and he wants to get rid of it, but is unable to do it on his own. Then he cannot do without your help and the help of a specialist.

You should not call him a liar and a deceiver, trying to make him feel guilty. Think about it, maybe you are asking too much from him, forcing him to make endless promises?

If a man has never been seen making empty promises, this should not make you particularly happy. Perhaps your man is working hard to keep his word. Such hyper-responsibility is typical for extremely insecure people. By fulfilling their promises, they are filled with self-esteem, which they so lack. Such people often react painfully to optionality. And the phrase “we’ll call you sometime” that you throw out can be the reason that a person will not part with his mobile phone for a minute, waiting for your call.

When deciding how to force a man to keep his promises, under no circumstances resort to magic, do not look for conspiracies and rituals. Do not turn to fortune tellers and sorcerers. It remains to be seen how this might turn against you. Don’t make it your goal to catch a man for not keeping what he promised. This can become a factor of irritation and lead to a quarrel.

Think, maybe it would be wiser not to take on faith all the words he said? And if he somehow promised to buy you a ring or something else nice, don’t expect it from him. You shouldn’t peer sadly into shop windows, ruining your mood. If he doesn't want it, he still won't buy it. But when you don’t expect, but receive, the joy from the gift increases significantly.

It is important to remember that when you get a man to fulfill his promises, you yourself must keep your promises. To avoid a one-sided game. Whatever methods you use to fight the unfulfilled promises of men, the main thing is not to overdo it, so that the struggle does not turn into an end in itself. After all, the main thing is a harmonious relationship between two loving people.

This is the request we received from one of our students. Literally: how to make a man keep his promise? Let's figure out where coercion comes from, whether it should be used, and how to effectively influence your partner.

The word that gives me tension in this phrase is “force.” To force is coercion, it is a lack of desire on the part that is being forced, it is inequality of rights between the parties, it is pressure, it is a lack of freedom and air. What kind of role model can you get someone to do something?

1. The parent forces the child.
2. Warden - prisoner.
3. Aggressor - victim.

If you want to force a man to do something and do not consider yourself one of these role models, then your attempts are in vain.

Let me make a reservation right away that the one who forces someone to fulfill a promise, he himself becomes an aggressor. And the partner appears as a victim in this situation. By the way, you may not say the word “force”, but tension is still considered in your field. And the partner feels it. And since, according to social parameters, he is not your victim, he will not fulfill his promise. Moreover, he will probably avoid making a decision and play for time.

Important: everyone who tries to use the “force” tool once upon a time experienced it the hard way, having been in the role of a victim.

How does the word “force” work in childhood?

For example, a parent demands that the child eat semolina porridge. Because it's time for breakfast and we have to run out to work. Because mom is late. Because dad knows better what kind of porridge and how much to eat. Because you shouldn't throw away half-eaten food. Because...

Nobody cares about the child's opinion. The child does not know how to express in words that he has been sick in the morning, that today his body does not want semolina porridge, that he is not hungry at all, because his body has not woken up. And the mother demands that 20 spoons be eaten, only then will she kiss him, help him get dressed, give him candy, and come home early from work to pick up the baby from kindergarten.

Parent and child. Aggressor and victim. They are always interconnected. The child needs love, and for this he is ready to obey the parent. Even if you have to swallow nauseating porridge. And the victim needs to survive, the victim will do what the aggressor demands. Here the basic need must be satisfied - security. But the surviving victim remembers the instrument of violence and in the future becomes an aggressor herself when she wants to satisfy her interests with the help of another.

Should you be forced to keep your promise?

Let's take an inventory and analyze your situation in detail.

Nuance No. 1: who are you in relation to each other in this situation?

Your age, status, your qualities? Ask your partner the same question and get his answer.

Often women in civil marriages say that they have a husband, and call themselves wives. And men, on the contrary, say that they are single and free. This is the difference in perception. Conflicts arise because of it.

By the way, in this situation I agree with the men. As long as there is no stamp in the passport, and there is a marriage certificate in hand, there cannot be a husband. So you are an unmarried woman. And it doesn’t matter that you clean the apartment, or cook him dinner, or wash his clothes. You just live together.

Point #2: What do you want? What is your motivation? What do you expect as a result?

Is his promise the only way to solve your problem? Perhaps you can do it yourself? For example, to buy an apartment you need to save a certain amount every month. Perhaps another person can help you? For example, a plumber will fix a faucet, an electrician will sort out the wiring, or a car mechanic will change tires. Or is it exactly what you need for your task? To obtain the status of his wife, to give birth to a child from him.

Decide for yourself.

Point #3: Did he make you a promise? In what form?

Maybe you think your partner made a promise, but he doesn’t think so. From the words of men, I know for sure that if they give their word, then keeping the promise is a matter of honor. Here it is important that the man himself says: “I promise you that on such and such a date I will do such and such in such and such a format.” Please note that the promise must contain quantitative parameters (what, when, how). Everything else is water.

If this is not the case, are you sure that this is an adult man? Maybe this is a person who is still in childhood and knows that he can refuse his mother? But you are not his mother. And he is not your son.

And all his “I’ll try”, “I’ll think about it”, “of course, dear”, “everything will work out”, “I need time”, “again your demands are too high” - are similar to evasion tactics in negotiations. By any means possible to remain in one's own way, at the same time to show off, to delay the matter in time.

There are also manipulative phrases: “if you’re not happy, let’s break up,” “I won’t be left without women,” “you pestered me, ruined my mood again,” “I just decided to do it, but now I won’t.” These phrases create a feeling of guilt in the partner, as well as fear of losing the relationship. Wow, how often women fall for this manipulation, afraid of being left alone.

When you have taken inventory, you can begin negotiations.

How to push a man to keep his promise: six golden tips

Tip #1 is your value. Always keep the bar high for your value and the value of your desires.

The energy of calm and confidence should emanate from you. He must feel that you are in abundance, that you do not need him. That the fulfillment of your desires is an honorable mission, a high goal, an ardent desire and a passionate game. Important: first you have to believe in it yourself.

Tip #2 is its benefit. By the way, what will he get from fulfilling your desire? What is his personal benefit? Let us not remain in the illusion of pure love and unconditional relationships. Even a knight in heroic deeds wants to receive very specific things from a lady: a hand, a heart, inspiration, a handkerchief...

You, as the best strategist, know your partner and must understand his needs.

Say them out loud.

Tip #3: Your accuracy. Clearly formulate your desires, say them calmly and confidently. Agree on deadlines. Get a clear answer from the man: is he in the game, has he given his word?

Tip #4 is his word. Let him say verbatim everything he understands and promises. If there are any inaccuracies, correct each other.

Tip #5 - Your reaction. If a man is not in the game, accept this fact and move on towards your goals with your head held high. With or without this man, it’s up to you to decide.

We learn to be feminine, we try not to carry everything on our fragile shoulders, to transfer responsibility to a man, to ask him for help more often, but here’s the problem... We ask, but our requests and promises given to us are not always fulfilled. And this fact infuriates more than one thousand women.

What's the matter? Why doesn't he keep his promises? He often says: wait and be patient, but the situation does not change. Why can he fail at a crucial moment, forget about your plans and needs, although you agreed? Why can't he finish what he started? Or he may unexpectedly get into trouble, stumble out of the blue, commit something stupid, which will change the entire course of expected events.

Often an important reason for such behavior (except for the infantilism of your chosen one, but we will not discuss this in detail here) may be suppressed anger towards you.

What does this have to do with it? - you might ask. I will try to explain as clearly as possible.

Aggression is an important component of our lives. With its help, we defend our boundaries, try to solve emerging problems, satisfy our needs, although we do not always realize this. But any manifestations of aggression are taboo in society. From childhood we learn that expressing our anger or anger is unsafe: it can lead to punishment, criticism and insults. Moreover, significant people may reject the child because of such behavior. And because Children are very dependent on their parents, on significant adults, and without their attention, love and care they cannot simply survive; often unconsciously they decide that any manifestation of aggression can cost them very dearly, and begin to suppress it. However, it doesn’t go anywhere, it just accumulates in the soul and looks for a way out.

Because The child does not dare to consciously show aggression towards significant people, then he begins to show it in some other relationships (for example, he can be a hooligan at school, but at home he can be a good boy). Or he begins to take it out indirectly against significant adults (he broke an expensive vase, broke a valuable item, lost money, made a mess, did not fulfill what he promised).

Because In our culture, parents do not teach their children (because they themselves do not know how) to recognize their anger, realize the needs behind it, express it and take responsibility for it, then people grow up with distorted ideas about their feelings.

What do we have in the relationship between adult men and women?

This mechanism of indirect manifestation of aggression continues to work. Because in couples there is often a lack of constructive dialogue and competent feedback. Expressing genuine feelings is often perceived as a personal insult and escalates into an argument. The partner remains deaf to our needs and requests.

If your man does not keep his promises, then this is probably a signal that he has accumulated complaints, dissatisfaction and aggression towards you. But he expresses them in an indirect way, “breaking off” you. Thus, unconsciously seeking retribution for the damage done to him.

What to do?

Try to establish dialogue in pairs. Take courage and have an open conversation with your man about what he doesn't like about your relationship or about you. You can ask him directly: “Why are you angry with me?” The most important thing here take a listening position, and honestly try to hear it. Without your excuses, comments, evidence.

This is the most difficult thing, I understand you! But the main thing is to at least once try to create an atmosphere where he can open up and honestly express his dissatisfaction. The same is true for you, you can also ask your man to just be a listener.

When the dialogue is established, the need for indirect manifestation of aggression and discontent through causing damage to the other partner will disappear. And the man will naturally be more attentive and obliging!