home › Health › Childhood jealousy is small problems with big consequences. Childhood jealousy - what is it? Is it possible to prevent childhood jealousy?

Childhood jealousy is small problems with big consequences. Childhood jealousy - what is it? Is it possible to prevent childhood jealousy?

What is childhood jealousy and how does it manifest itself? What methods exist to prevent and reduce a child's uncontrollable feelings.

Every family with small children sooner or later faces the problem of jealousy in the child. Psychologists believe that children's jealousy arises due to a lack of maternal attention and the baby's lack of understanding of what is happening to him. Therefore, if you solve these problems, then the manifestations of destructive feelings will significantly decrease.

The presented advice from experts will help solve this problem and achieve harmonious relationships in the family.

Children's jealousy: features of manifestation

In most cases, childhood jealousy occurs in children under 5 years of age. They compete with their younger brothers and sisters, dad or stepfather, trying to attract maximum attention from their mother. And there is an explanation for this.

Until the age of 3, the mother is the most significant object for the child, providing care and love. Therefore, any third-party encroachment on maternal attention deprives him of a sense of comfort and security. As a result, a feeling of anxiety and fear develops, a desire to defend personal territory, which is accompanied by screaming and crying.

At the age of 3, the baby develops an awareness of his own “I”. He comprehends his desires and intentions, learns to consciously achieve his goals. At this age, children's jealousy can develop into the category of manipulation.

Often, a mother is pleased when her baby is jealous, so she unconsciously reinforces this child’s reaction. And he, in turn, learns to achieve what he wants by manipulating his mother’s feelings.

Manifestations of childhood jealousy are usually accompanied by the following actions:

whims, all sorts of whims that act as a means of competing for the mother’s attention;
aggression towards a second child or adult who takes away maternal attention;
constant reproaches that his mother does not love him enough, but loves the other one more;
self-isolation and actions contrary to parents;
negative reaction to praise from other children or adults.

Very often, children's jealousy arises from youngest child, dad or stepfather. Let's consider all these situations in more detail.

At the birth of a second child

The appearance of a younger family member adds to the mother's worries. As a result, the amount of time previously devoted to the firstborn is significantly reduced. He often accuses his mother of lack of attention and love for him. As a result, the older child develops a feeling of rejection by the closest person.

What should parents do in this situation:

Seize the moment. It is easier to prevent childhood jealousy than to fight it. To do this, you need to catch the moment when the child wants a brother or sister. Children closer to 4 years old have an unconscious desire to show care for someone. If the birth of a younger child coincides with this period, then the likelihood of developing jealousy is significantly reduced.
Involve your child in anticipation. It is advisable to prepare the child in advance for the birth of the baby. Explain that the baby who will soon be born is growing and developing in the tummy. And from now on, gradually instill care for the mother and the future family member. Then there will be three like-minded people in the family who will be expecting the birth of a second child.
Entrust the child to hold the newborn. This moment allows the older child to feel responsible for the baby and feel a special closeness. If the child is still too small, you can sit him on the sofa and put the baby on his lap. At the same time, it is necessary to control the process and explain how to behave with the newborn.
Get your child interested in caring for your newborn. Very often, the older child is jealous of the mother of the baby because babies require round-the-clock attention and care. Because of this, the first-born feels offended, because his parents cannot devote as much time to him as before. Jealousy towards a younger child can be eliminated if you make it clear to the older one that he is a full-fledged member of the family, who is entrusted with “adult” matters: carrying diapers, handing a bottle, looking after the baby while he sleeps.
It's important to listen to your children. And if the older child gets tired of taking care of the younger one, then it is necessary to give him the opportunity to do his own thing: play with toys, watch cartoons or draw.
Be sure to communicate with your child alone. You need to find at least one hour every day to spend it alone with your older child, read him a fairy tale, play or just talk.
Maintain fairness to children. As children grow up, there are various situations, at which they interact. From time to time, screaming or crying may be heard from the nursery. Most often, such circumstances arise in children of the same age who cannot share a toy they both need, quarrel for this reason, or even fight.
Don’t immediately blame your firstborn because he is older. Sometimes it’s enough to switch the kids’ attention to any other activity. And if you need to understand what is happening, then do it fairly, so as not to blame the innocent in any way.
Don't compare children to each other. Circumstances that involve comparison between children should be carefully avoided, especially in big family. Every child constantly compares himself with his peers, and being the last in his family at something is a significant trauma for him. Therefore, parents should in every possible way refrain from comparisons, comparisons, and not evaluate one child above the rest.

To a new man

Because Lately Divorce statistics are constantly growing, the number remarriages also increases. And often harmonious relationships V new family don’t work out because of children’s jealousy of their stepfather.

It is important for both the mother and her new man to know what to do in order to form a positive relationship between the stepfather and the child:

Lay a foundation of friendliness and trust. It is necessary to thoroughly prepare for the first meeting of a child and a new man, to create a special environment so that their acquaintance is friendly and trusting. Calm family evenings, trips to nature, trips to the zoo or attractions will help cope with possible stiffness.
Explain to the child, why mom needs a new relationship. For a child, the appearance of a new man in the house most often becomes a complete surprise, and childhood jealousy develops with various consequences. It is necessary to talk seriously and confidentially with the child that a person cannot be alone, and he definitely needs support and support.
Establish interaction. It will take a new man quite a long time to become the head of the family. The pronoun “we” will help overcome the problems that arise. You can involve your child in joint activities and help him solve his children’s issues.
Exclude negative emotions . The relationship between a stepfather and a child is a continuation of his relationship with his mother. A man must not forget that he is under supervision. The child should not hear harsh words, observe harsh facial expressions or indifferent reactions.
Accept the child as he is. The relationship between stepfather and child will mainly depend on the relationship between mother and child. You should not remake and re-educate your child in your own way. The mother will still take the child’s side, and the balance in the relationship will be disrupted.
Do not fight for the love of a child with his natural father. Over time, the child will understand everything, since the child’s heart is very sensitive to purity of thoughts.

To dad

Many children aged 1.5–3 years are jealous of their mother and father. This is how children defend their own right to have their mother’s attention.

What to do if a child does not let dad near mom:

Under no circumstances should you reject a child.. It is better to prevent hysteria and involve the child in fun game with the participation of all three family members. During the game, you need to create conditions that show that the parents love the child, and at the same time each other, and no one is deprived of anyone. A child introduced into the community of parents feels jealousy much weaker and it is not so destructive. The child also feels better connected to his dad, which is important for the development of a healthy personality.
Explain to the child that dad also takes important place in family. Mom should gently and unobtrusively say that she loves both the child and the dad equally, and belongs to both of them.
Cuddling with your child. It is impossible for dad to show coldness towards mom just because the child is jealous. Therefore, you can also involve the baby in the hugs of the parents. This will prevent possible aggression.
One day a week must be given to dad. So that dad and child can go to the park, circus, and rides together. Let the father feed the baby and put him to bed. This helps to reduce the spirit of competition and the emergence of interaction. Father and child experience common interests, shared memories and topics for conversation.

How to react

Most parents are completely unprepared for any manifestations of children's jealousy, despite this they must realize that all sensations are dictated to a person by nature. In this regard, it is impossible to exclude emotions that arise, which sometimes cannot be explained or controlled.

Childhood jealousy is one of these healthy and natural feelings, so there is no need to be afraid of it.

Manifestations of jealousy in a child are determined by the fact that the mother is the most important person for him. main man at a certain stage of life. And you shouldn’t react violently to them, since parents can only aggravate the problem.

Even during severe attacks of jealousy, when the firstborn offends the youngest, takes away toys, tries to harm him in every possible way, one should not psychologically put pressure on the offender and punish him.

It is better to ensure absolute safety for the younger one by being constantly nearby. And you need to talk confidentially with the older child and explain that the mother understands, accepts and loves him for who he is. And also hopes that he will also understand, accept and love little brother or little sister.

The most important thing is to learn how to react correctly to expressions of childish jealousy; it is unacceptable to ignore or prohibit it. The child is overcome by a hurricane of incomprehensible and uncontrollable feelings. Therefore, the goal of parents should be to teach the child to realize own feelings, not feel awkward and ashamed because of them, and then direct them in a positive direction.

A confidential conversation can help with this, during which it is necessary:

try to explain to the baby what and why he feels;
reassure the child, say that this is completely natural, and it will go away on its own;
Be sure to convince the baby that his mother loves him very much and will always love him.
At the right approach Over time, the child will be able to control his own jealousy and accept all other family members.

According to experts, there is no point in fighting jealousy, because the task is impossible. However, to reduce the serious consequences of this destructive feeling is main goal parents.

The following practical tips will help you accomplish this task:

First of all, you need to understand that childhood jealousy is an obligatory component inner world child. Therefore, you cannot scold or reproach the baby for showing feelings, especially since they arose out of love for his mother. Instead, you need to try to defuse the situation - hug, smile, kiss, tell the child about your love for him.
Shows of love. Psychologists have proven that for a child to feel comfortable mentally, in addition to kisses in the morning and before bed, he needs to receive at least eight hugs during the day. If there is a shortage mother's love the child will achieve it in every possible way. He will certainly keep track of how much attention is paid younger brother or sister, will be jealous of mom’s friends, hobbies and work.
You need to leave that way of life, which was present with the child before the arrival of a new family member. However, you need to stick to the golden mean. Sometimes parents try to appease the child’s jealousy with gifts and permission to do things that were not previously allowed. This behavior will not save you from childhood jealousy, but it will give the child the opportunity to manipulate his parents.
It is necessary to promote rapprochement in every possible way family members among themselves. Think over common affairs and joint recreation.
You should teach your child to talk about his emotions. Very often, children's jealousy becomes hidden. It is necessary to agree that if the child feels any dissatisfaction or injustice, he must report his concerns. True, most children do not dare to start such a conversation; for this they need help. Usually the conversation method is used - questions are asked and it is gradually found out whether everything is fine with the child, what he is worried about. given time and whether he is hiding internal resentment.

Fairy tale therapy

This method helps to unobtrusively explain to the child what is really happening to him, and whether it is necessary to develop such a feeling within himself. In addition, the fairy tale helps to find mutual language between an adult and a child. Since most often they speak in different languages, moreover, problems with communication are noted specifically in adults.

Fairytale therapy is more effective than regular conversations. Fairy-tale heroes, analogies, metaphors and symbols help a child to open up and an adult to understand what is happening in a child’s soul.

It is advisable that a psychologist or psychotherapist work with the child and parents. It is he who will be able to choose a fairy tale that best reproduces the situation and formulate questions that will help solve the problem.

It is important to understand that jealousy is a stage of normal age-related personality formation. It is impossible to overcome childhood jealousy; it can only be reduced by showing your love and care. It is important to confirm words of love for a child in practice, and not to distinguish between older and younger ones.

Also great importance have joint activities and pastime. The more things the whole family does together, the more united and stronger it will be.

Video: Children's jealousy

Sibling rivalry

Born into the family new baby. And the first-born has to change the title of “The Only One” to the more modest “sister” or “big brother”. For a small, still largely unsure man, this is a real disaster. The child thinks that by becoming a baby again, he will be able to “return everything.” Although this is by no means the only manifestation of jealousy.
Myth 1. The biggest misconception of parents expecting a second baby is the belief that childhood jealousy can be avoided. It might be smoothed out, but it would be almost impossible for it not to exist at all.
“The manifestation of childhood jealousy is a normal and healthy phenomenon. Jealousy arises because children love. If they are incapable of love, then they do not show jealousy,” wrote Donald Woods Winnicott, a world-famous child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. The child needs to be helped to avoid feelings of guilt for his jealousy and hostility towards the newborn. Don't act like you don't notice anything, it's better to talk about it and explain that you understand his feelings and won't scold him for jealousy, because you know that it will soon pass. Give your child “laurels on credit”, praise him a lot and exaggeratedly. If they believe in you, you really want to live up to expectations!The child must go through a feeling of jealousy, and the most difficult moment is when a “competitor” appears in the house and the elder realizes that this will last for a long time. Jealousy may be stronger if the children are same-sex or the older child is a boy. This is not surprising, because girls have a subconscious need to take care of the little one, which means it is easier to involve them in caring for him. Over time, if parents help by smoothing out and forgiving difficult moments, children will cope with their feelings and become devoted friends and support for each other.
Myth 2. The worst manifestation of jealousy is open aggression. An open manifestation of jealousy-aggression (“No need for your sister, take her back!”) is not so bad, if you look at it. It is much more difficult to see and understand how a baby is suffering when outwardly everything is fine. If the elder says that he loves the little one, but begins to get sick, for example, wakes up at night and cries in fear or on the sly when no one sees, under the guise of tenderness he tries to hurt the younger one: bite under the guise of a kiss or strangle him in an embrace. Observe your elder; perhaps he has become sad more often and does worse at school, or his long-forgotten diathesis has suddenly intensified. He "asks" you if you love him as much as before. Try to explain to your child that with the birth of a second baby, another love is born, and there is no need to divide the one that already exists. If the difference between the children is small, the eldest is still small, it is much more difficult for him to express that. what he feels. Most likely, the baby cannot understand his feelings at all and understand what is happening. You can talk to him about this topic in the spirit of active listening. “You are very angry with your sister, you would even like her not to exist again...” With pauses, allowing the child, if not to speak out, then at least to realize his feelings. And after “listening”, turn the emotions in a positive direction and, during the conversation, bring out the baby about how his mother loves him. You can tell a fairy tale about a baby whose little sister was born, he thought that she would always be little, but she grew up and began to play with him, she loved him very much. And although at first he was very angry, he thought that his mother no longer loved him... etc.

Myth 3. You can avoid jealousy by preparing your child in advance. But sometimes the effect is just the opposite. Jealousy appears even during “preparation”: the baby begins to demonstrate hyper-attachment to his parents, does not leave mother's hands, constantly trying to attract attention to himself, declares that “there is no need for lalya.” You need to approach this issue very carefully, taking into account exactly what YOUR child is like and what will suit him. In any case, if you decide to "cook", do not tell him that he will have a playmate. The baby will be very surprised to see a squeaking lump, instead of a toddler just like him. Tell us what a newborn looks like, show photographs where he himself was small, and then grew up and learned to sit, walk, etc. How much attention you paid to him, taught him various wisdom, and now together you will teach this to his brother or sister. If you decide to send your elder to kindergarten, transfer to another room, wean, etc., it is better to do this several months before the arrival of a brother or sister.
Myth 4. You need to protect the younger one from the older one so that out of jealousy he cannot cause harm. Sometimes it is useful, on the contrary, to “protect” the big from the small, for example, to say three month old baby. “Don’t pull your brother’s hair, it hurts him!” (The older one will understand that you are also worried about him.) Give the older one “his own corner,” where the younger one is not allowed (without the owner’s permission); you should not insist that he give the little one his toys and crib, etc. “You don’t play with these toys anymore!” Imagine if someone told you: “You don’t read these books anymore, and you don’t work on the computer now... Let’s give it away.” It probably wouldn't be very pleasant. Respect the property and interests of each child. Tell the elder something like: “I forbade the little one from offending you, and you shouldn’t offend him either!” Don't rush to tell the younger one " sweet words", which previously belonged to the elder: "baby", "my sunshine", "kitten". Better come up with new ones for the little man.
Myth 5. Everything should be divided equally between children; time, toys, kisses, etc. Usually it is almost impossible to achieve this: the smallest ones, as a rule, are given more warmth and care. This happens on a subconscious level. Of course, you need to try not to give preference to anyone. But this is not about consumer equality: five minutes for one means the same for the other. It is important that the elder knows and has confirmation that his place in the hearts of his parents still belongs to him, so that he does not feel out of place, deprived. Even if you are busy, maintain contact with your child. Loving look- one of the main sources emotional nutrition. Squeeze and cuddle him, hug him tight, tell him a story. Quite often, some kind of psychological role is imposed on a child in a family, this is especially dangerous when there are two children in a family, because the roles are never the same, they are different, even opposite: hard worker and lazy, cheerful and gloomy, pedant and bungler, favorite and Cinderella. Try to avoid this, help the kids organize games so that they change roles from time to time. A child needs time to realize his feelings. Sometimes children are compared, emphasizing the shortcomings of one and the advantages of the other: “Take example from your brother!”, “Look how obedient your sister is!” "This, of course, aggravates the feeling of jealousy and hostility between children. And twins are never the same, much less an ordinary brother and sister: different in appearance, temperament, reactions, interests. What is not a problem for one grows into a problem for the other. There is no point in comparing two different people. No matter how hard the child tries to fulfill his mother’s strict order, not to sit with homework for more than an hour, he is not able to do it. He needs one and a half, or even two hours for lessons. And it is useless to use as an example a brother who completes his homework in half an hour. They have different temperaments.
Myth 6. If a child behaves badly, for example, harasses and offends his brother or sister, he needs to be punished. How often, when we are especially exhausted, we have problems at work, etc., children begin to behave very badly. And since the brother or sister is closest to everyone, the chaos grows like snowball. The first impulse is to punish the culprit, maybe even spank him. But sometimes it helps to stop and ask yourself: “What is he trying to say with his behavior?” Usually the child asks his eternal question: "Do you love me (still, now, after...)?" Ross Campbell, a child psychiatrist, wrote: “When one son begins to harass another, it is one of the first signals to my sweet wife and me that the children’s emotional reservoir needs to be replenished.” If, instead of satisfying the child's urgent need for love and attention, you punish him, he will most likely begin to behave even worse.

Myth 7. To be fair, you need to find out who is to blame (in a quarrel, fight, etc.), and then punish the bully. If children are arguing, stop them. It is not always worthwhile to find out who is to blame for what happened, especially if someone is trying to tell lies. “And Masha said... And Basya broke it...” Having heard several times in response: “Well, she said, why complain? It’s broken, try to fix it together, and I’ll come and have a look..-” - the children will try to fix everything themselves. And you set an example of a compromise solution to the conflict. Teach the kids to play together and often give them common tasks, even if one only held the rope, but praise both for the task completed. Avoid punishing one child in the presence of another; it is better to smooth out the conflict. The older brother doesn’t give the ball, the mother rushes to the rescue: “You can’t give in to your little sister. That’s how big he is and you don’t understand. Don’t cry, come to me, we won’t give the ball to this nasty boy.” Better say: “Watch how your brother throws the ball, don’t cry, he will teach you too. Will you teach? Don’t be capricious, otherwise how can you teach?”
Myth 8. Do everything together. Spend more time alone with each of the children. Universal advice hardly exists here. You will have to try both and find out experimentally what “works” in your family that extinguishes the feeling of jealousy between children. As they grow older, their interests also differ more and more, so there is no need to be afraid of enrolling them in different clubs, and sometimes spending time with each of them separately: going to a concert with one, and a football match with the other.

Myth 9. The first-born child should be proud of the fact that he is the “eldest”. Some children really really like to feel like “almost adults”: “I can already do it... and this is only for little ones” or “He doesn’t know how to do anything yet, but I’m helping my mother.” Therefore, emphasizing the advantages of age sometimes does not hurt. But don’t go too far, because the little one is more cared for, protected, and often the older one believes that his “adulthood” is the source of all misfortunes; if he were smaller, he would be given just as much attention. Let him be little sometimes, because no matter what behavior he shows you, he is still a child. Sometimes it is useful to talk about small things in a modality such as, for example, about a toy or a personal achievement of an elder, emphasizing that “he has a little sister” (“What a good little sister Petya has”). Sooner or later, a feeling of legitimate pride should arise, and the child will feel that this is not so much her mother’s daughter as her sister.
Myth 10. Grandmother, nanny or someone else can take care of the elder. Often grandmothers rush to help mothers, sometimes they even take them “to live with them until the little one grows up.” At the same time, the older child “basks in attention,” but on the other hand, he feels isolated from the family and feels useless. Such communication, as a rule, cannot compensate for the love and care of parents. When a child “returns to the family,” we have to make up for lost time. Sometimes the resulting gap can be very difficult to overcome. It's better to deal with problems together. With two children you will need twice as much tact, patience and ingenuity, but twice as many joys and amazing discoveries await you.
Natalya Kulakova, teacher

Note to you
These books will help you learn more about childhood jealousy and, perhaps, suggest ways to smooth it out.
Leonidova B.L. "When there are two of them." M.: Knowledge, 1987. Sh Monina G., Lyutova E. “Problems small child". SPb., 2002.
Kline V. "How to prepare a child for life." M.-L., 1991.
Dolto F. "On the child's side." M.: Agaf, St. Petersburg: 21st century, 1997.
Spock B. "The Child and Care of Him." L., 1991.
Based on materials from the magazine "My Child"

Afonasyeva Natalya (NOTY) especially for website

In contact with

Classmates

Families with two or more children are no strangers to childhood jealousy. Whatever the difference between the children - two years or ten, the older child will definitely have a reason to be jealous of the younger one. Although psychologists and teachers argue that in order to avoid manifestations of jealousy, a child must certainly be prepared for the arrival of a baby in the house, this does not guarantee that the older child will not experience this feeling. Parents will still encounter one or another manifestation of jealousy.

My husband and I started preparing our daughter for the arrival of her sister or brother from the beginning of her pregnancy. We tried for 9 months not only to convey to her the idea that we will have another baby, but try to make her get used to this idea. My daughter and I went shopping together, choosing a “dowry” for the baby. She liked to stroke her mother's belly and listen to the baby move. My daughter was waiting for the arrival of her brother with the same impatience as we parents.

But as soon as a little man appeared in the house, with whom I had to share my mother’s attention, love and care, that feeling arose that my husband and I were very afraid of - feeling of childish jealousy. At first, she invited everyone who came to visit us to take Vanya with them. Breastfeeding my baby was becoming a nightmare. The daughter began to throw tantrums demanding to put her brother in bed and not give him “titya”. If he cried in the crib, then she tearfully asked not to take him in her arms. If my son sat on my lap, Sasha tried to climb onto my lap too. Moreover, no one deprived her of attention; on the contrary, seeing such a reaction from her daughter, they gave her a lot of it. We even had to go for a consultation with a psychologist, but following his recommendations did not produce results. Moreover, the daughter became whiny, easily excitable, and mental problems appeared, which manifested themselves in onanic spasms. As a result, jealousy of younger brother took us to the neurologist's office. Both the psychologist and the neuropathologist did not see in our actions and principles of education negative factors. It’s just that the difference in the children’s ages was small - 2.5 years, and my daughter was very attached to me. In addition, children at this age are owners to the core. Their main property is and will be their mother .

After 7 months, from the day of his son’s birth, significant changes nevertheless occurred in the daughter’s attitude towards her brother. She already perceives it normally when I breastfeed him. Finally, we were able to explain to her that Vanechka does not have a tooth yet, and he only knows how to eat his mother’s “titya”. The same approach was used to explain why mother holds Vanya in her arms - because his brother does not yet know how to sit and walk. In giving such explanations, we have constantly emphasized that: “Sasha knows how to do this, but Vanya doesn’t,” “Sasha is a big girl, but Vanya a little boy", "Sasha is smart, she never cries, but Vanya cries, Vanya is still small" etc. Every toy in our house has an owner. It's either Sasha or Vanya. This is also very important for her. We never give Sasha's son toys without her consent. If he accidentally crawls into her “wealth,” loud screams and tears are inevitable. But if you ask Vanya to play with her toys, she easily shares them. Naturally, at every opportunity we tell her that toys should be shared, that one should not be greedy, etc. And, despite the fact that my daughter is only three years old, she perfectly remembers those items of clothing that belonged to her for a year. one and a half ago. Here, too, you have to use cunning. Together with my daughter, we begin to look through her wardrobe. In order to “transfer for use” to Vanya the T-shirts, T-shirts and tights that Sasha grew out of, she has to put on a whole performance. The action begins with fitting. I'm starting to complain that Sasha has grown so big that these things are already too small for her. Act two. I ask her, what are we going to do with these things, throw them away or give them to Vanya? It's a shame to throw it away. And Sasha from the master’s shoulder presents his T-shirts to his younger brother.

Some may say that all this is nonsense, there is no need to aggravate the problem so much. He will grow up and there will be no trace of jealousy left. Maybe. But all children are different, and therefore the situations are different. My daughter and I are still seeing a neurologist, Once a month we invite a psychologist to your home. She watches her daughter, her behavior, and the situations that arise during the children’s communication. And based on the observed model of behavior and communication, the psychologist gives us recommendations and advice on how to behave in this or that case. By the way, such home visits by a psychologist had a greater effect than consultations in the office. child in home environment behaves naturally and at ease, therefore fully revealing his essence.

Children grow up, learn to communicate and contact each other. We, parents, are also learning to treat the problems and feelings of our children with understanding and love.

Comments:

Yes-ah-ah! Little kids, little troubles. We did not encounter such a problem at one time; the difference between the children is 4 years. Because there was a catastrophe when the eldest son, having become an adult, decided to live separately with the girl. This is where we discovered jealousy youngest son in full He didn’t want to share his older brother’s attention, care and love with anyone else. Over time, he even began to communicate normally with this girl, but he very jealously monitors their communication when they come to visit us. It seems to him that the girl loves her brother less than he deserves. Here! And such is childhood jealousy!

Childhood jealousy very often outgrows and transforms into adult life. I have an example of two brothers, one of whom was my husband. So the jealousy of these adult foreheads extended not only to the parents and their attention and indulgences, but also, oddly enough, to me! Constant competition in everything and the desire to become an informal leader simply did not allow them to live in peace! Here you go kids ;)))

The topic of childhood jealousy is considered relevant when it comes to relationships between brothers and sisters. Here it is obvious, clear, manifests itself dramatically and lasts a long time. It affects parents emotionally, so it’s simply impossible to ignore it. Other cases of jealousy are not so noticeable, but there are still many of them. Children are jealous of mom and dad and vice versa. They are both jealous of their work and friends. The grandmother is jealous of her other grandchildren, neighbors and the grandchildren of these neighbors. They get jealous when a friend in the sandbox moves to another team of builders and when the teacher says too often: “Oh, what a great fellow Petya! You should all follow his example." Children are generally jealous. In general, even more jealous than adults - simply due to age-related self-centeredness. They feel like they are part of any relationship of close people around them (“If grandma praises someone else’s child, it means she doesn’t like me,” “if mom comes home late from work, it means she’s better off there than with me”), but they don’t yet know how to treat the situation at the level of logic. Parents who do not pay attention to such “nonsense”, believing that everything will go away on its own with age, do big mistake. Their children become very jealous adults, suffer from their feelings themselves and do not give peace to others.

Vital feeling

Jealousy is a negative emotion, but in reality it is simply necessary. Its original function is self-preservation. Weak and vulnerable creatures must feel the loss of attention to themselves and return it in order to ensure their survival. That is why manifestations of jealousy can be observed in very early age: If a mother starts talking on the phone while breastfeeding, the baby already begins to get nervous. Dissatisfaction is even greater if someone from the family enters the room. Some children even refuse to eat and cry, wanting their mother to stop all extraneous activities. As they grow up a little, they begin to make sure that mom and dad are not too “carried away” in communicating with each other; they can stop attempts at hugs and kisses, sometimes they don’t even allow them to hold hands, invariably standing between their parents. “I’m here - take care of me. Because I am small, weak, and in need of constant care. You never know what can happen while you’re looking at each other here” – this is roughly the message of the jealous behavior of young children. Of course, as we get older, everyone understands perfectly well: nothing bad will happen if you pay attention loved one will be lost for some time. Neither mom nor dad will forget about their parenting responsibilities, even if in this moment they are passionate about work or socializing with friends. But jealousy still remains - to a greater or lesser extent - and persists for life. Why is it needed by independent adults who do not need care at all? To maintain your position, to provide social confidence. When we experience jealousy, we understand that something is wrong in our communication, we strive to figure it out and fix everything.

“I myself am very jealous, and my son is the same. “That’s it, Maxim is no longer my friend: today he played cars with Misha, but they didn’t invite me. I won’t talk to him tomorrow.” I feel offended when I hear this from him. But I already know that just jealousy in itself does not give anything. "Come up with new game and invite them to play together tomorrow, then everyone will be interested.” The next day the child was simply happy: “Mom, we played together all day!” “You see,” I told him, “and you were going to be offended all day.” Galina, Leva's mother

What does jealousy look like?

A child’s behavior in a state of jealousy can be very different - depending on his character, family relationships, and situation. Some children do not do anything specific, but begin to behave fussily: they walk around, rearrange objects, open and close doors, and begin to look for some toys. “I don’t understand anything,” says my mother, “he was just quietly working on a constructor, so I decided to call you. Well, okay, we’ll talk another time - I’ll go see what he’s rustling about.” The mother enters the room, and a minute later the child sits down again and works with the construction set. IN in this case the feeling of jealousy was not very pronounced - just at the level of anxiety. In this state, a person (both an adult and a child) simply looks and listens, and does not strive to attract full attention.

“The three of us often go to doctor’s appointments with little Masha – the eldest child is also at home. As soon as I start talking about Masha—how she sleeps, what she eats, how she holds her head—Pavlik immediately interrupts. One day I took him an album and pencils so that he wouldn’t interfere with the conversation. For exactly a minute he sat quietly and drew, and then he shouted: “Mom, look, I drew how I pee in the flowerbed!” The doctor laughed, but I was terribly ashamed. I had to justify myself and explain that it was a joke. Surely everyone thought that the child did not know how to behave.” Elena, mother of Pavel and Masha

Sometimes a significant component of jealousy is resentment, and in this case the child withdraws, becomes depressed, and sad. Five-year-old Ksenia was very happy when a neighbor’s girl began to come to their house: her grandmother agreed to look after her sometimes. However, within a week these visits began to bring more problems than joy. The girl didn’t play with Ksyusha, but she had a lot of fun with her grandmother: she learned grandmother’s songs from dictation in French, played the piano with her two hands. " Wonderful child, you can envy her parents. Really, Ksyusha? - Grandma said one evening. But Ksyusha didn’t hear: she had already been sitting in the closet for an hour, braiding scarves and imagining how upset her grandmother would be when she discovered that her own granddaughter was not in the house. How she will regret that she wasted time on someone else’s child, while her own was suffering so much. How he will repent, and how he will cry, and how he will look for his beloved granddaughter until the night. The grandmother found Ksyusha quickly (the closet had been a favorite place for offended children since her own childhood), but she still realized her mistake. She told Ksyusha that she loved her more than anyone in the world and that no one, even the most talented girls, could replace her.

When jealousy strong feeling, which the child cannot cope with on his own, he strives to do something unusual, something that will definitely attract attention (deliberately scattering toys, getting into the mud, hitting his sister). Because even punishment for wrongdoing is better than indifference!

Learning to be jealous

Parents definitely need to learn to “see” jealousy, understand it from the child’s behavior and find the reason. But then this reason must be - no, not eradicated, but preserved! If we exclude all situations of jealousy, then in the future it will only be harder for the child, because he will still have to face it in life.

"I am the only one and long-awaited child in family. To the question “What is your daughter’s name?” my parents didn’t just say my name, but always added: “Because she is our best gift" The attitude was exactly that - as if it were a jewel. But I realized this only at the age of six, and before that I had nothing to compare with. I heard only compliments and praise, did only what I liked. My preschool education it was at home, and before school they started taking me to a training group. I was shocked... by everything! From the fact that the teacher praises other children, from the fact that they make comments to me, from the fact that the boy with whom I sat for the first week asked the teacher to move him (he said that I was fat and took up a lot of space). I cried all day and decided not to go anywhere else. Thanks to the teacher - she understood what the problem was and helped me get used to the team. To be honest, even now, at thirty, I get very worried if I don’t feel attention. On the one hand, this forces me to constantly improve, achieve something, and also work on my character, on the other hand, I continue to suffer from jealousy. I will try very hard to ensure that my daughter has the right perception of life. You can’t think that the world revolves only around you.” Darina, Anya's mother

The situation of a child showing jealousy should be treated calmly. However, it is worth keeping in mind the emotionality of children and the fact that their self-esteem is up to school age almost entirely dependent on adults. That is, the child really feels bad when he hears close people admiring someone else. What to do? Immediately say something good about himself, in the form of a positive comparison, your expectations associated with him (“Olya, when she grows up, will also study well - she is still very inquisitive”). Sometimes, if you see that a child is having difficulty coping with feelings, you need to talk, kindly and frankly. “I know, it seems to you that we love our brother more. In fact, he is simply very small and cannot live without us at all. When you were like that, we spent even more time with you.” But the main thing is to show more often warm feelings, both with reason (praising for successes, for the ability to behave well), and without it (stroking, touching, calling affectionate names, express delight, give compliments).

The most unpleasant manifestation of jealousy is aggression. Moreover, sometimes it is not directed at the object that caused jealousy. The child starts every morning in kindergarten with a fight, throwing toys, tearing other people’s drawings. At home he behaves calmly and friendly. Problem in the team? Not necessary. Perhaps at home he is simply not allowed to show dissatisfaction or is too persistently encouraged to love little brother or sister.

Childhood jealousy is a frequent guest in families with two or more children.

Even if the child is alone, he still experiences this feeling, for example, when a mother is jealous of her father or vice versa.

Well, when a stepfather or stepmother appears in the family, this problem is inevitable.

How to deal with manifestations of jealousy in children? This will be discussed in this article.

Why are children jealous of their parents, their younger brothers and sisters, or each other?

Jealousy is nothing more than the fear of dislike. The baby is afraid that they will no longer love him so much. Because of this, he is offended and jealous.

With the arrival of a new family member, the child feels bewildered.

He doesn’t understand what to do now that he has a “competitor.” And doesn’t this mean that mom or dad, or even both at once, suddenly stopped loving him?

If you do not pay attention to this problem at the very beginning, then the child’s bewilderment sometimes develops into hostility towards the new relative and the desire to get rid of him, and if that doesn’t work, then at least to get attention to himself. In this case, any means are used: from pranks and the habit of doing things out of spite to simulating a serious illness.

Never confront your child with a fact. Before the arrival of a new family member, explain to him that, despite the appearance of a newcomer in the house, they will not stop loving him. In this case, manifestations of jealousy may be avoided.

Causes

The causes of childhood jealousy are divided into two types:

External - independent of the child.
Internal - formed taking into account the characteristics of the character, upbringing or health status of the baby.

External reasons occurring in the family or in the life of a child, due to which he is deprived of some of his privileges. These include:

birth little brother or sisters;
Start life together one parent with a new chosen one;
the appearance of new pupils or students in the group or class where the child is studying.

It is also difficult for a child to come to terms with the appearance of half-brothers and sisters, which happens when a mother or father remarries a person who has children of their own. In this case, the child decides that those other children receive more parental attention and love, even if this is not the case.

A child may be jealous of his father or mother for their work. He does not understand why his parents devote so much time and attention to this incomprehensible “work”, and thinks that they are “stealing” it from him.

Internal causes of childhood jealousy:

Egocentrism. Children under 10–12 years old consider themselves the center of the Universe, therefore, when new member families, they are simply not ready to share with him the attention, care and parental love that previously belonged undividedly to them alone.
Responsiveness. It occurs when the baby is deprived of attention, which he regards as injustice towards himself. This causes a violent protest on his part.
Inability to express feelings. When a baby does not yet know how to express feelings of love in words or actions, he often attracts the attention of his parents to himself with defiant behavior or insults, and this is also one of the manifestations of his jealousy towards them.
Unpreparedness for responsibility. It happens when, after the birth of a new baby, a child perceives “seniority” not as a privilege, but as a burden and an infringement of his own rights.
Increased anxiety. The child doubts himself and that he is worthy of love, which is why he worries and worries all the time. No matter what happens in the family or in life, he will have explanations for everything, far from the real reasons for what happened, but invariably connected with the child himself and with his shortcomings, and, as a rule, far-fetched.
Creating competition. This cannot be done without parental intervention. They compare the child with other children, and this comparison is not in his favor. This spoils the relationship between siblings, causing them to hate each other.
Feeling helpless. It occurs in children who see changes taking place in the family, but cannot influence their outcome.

Main features

Aggressiveness. It manifests itself in the desire to cause pain to the “competitor”: to hit, push, pinch, and sometimes with the help of fists to make it clear “who’s boss.” At the same time, psychological pressure is also common: a child can offend, call, talk about or persuade a “competitor” to do a bad deed, and then set him up.
Hyperactivity. In the event that before calm child suddenly began to show excessive activity, his parents should think about the reasons for this behavior of the baby, since it may also indicate his jealousy.
Neurotic reactions. In some children who are sensitive, the manifestation of jealousy is sometimes not behavior, but reactions from others. nervous system. For example: hysteria, stuttering, nervous tics.

It happens that a child experiences a feeling of jealousy inside, unable to bear it public view" But the absence of visible manifestations does not mean that this problem does not exist.

In this case, signs of childhood jealousy include:

Anxiety. It manifests itself as sleep disturbances, problems with digestive system, change taste preferences, the emergence of fears and deterioration in school performance.
Change of mood. If suddenly a cheerful and active child suddenly becomes sad and starts crying constantly, this may mean that he is experiencing stress caused by jealousy.
Lack of independence. Sometimes older children “forget how” when they have a younger brother or sister to do what they knew how to do before. The child becomes like a baby because he thinks that in this case he will receive the same amount of parental attention as his brother or sister.
Health problems. Due to stress, the child gets sick more often, without visible reasons Chronic diseases are getting worse.

Sometimes children use simulation or even trauma to attract attention to themselves, thus blackmailing their parents.

How to deal with jealousy

Jealousy is a destructive feeling, primarily for the jealous person himself.

In addition, children's jealousy heats up the situation in the family and sometimes causes quarrels between children, their parents or other relatives.

Below we will consider ways to combat three types of jealousy: towards a younger brother or sister; to father or mother; to your stepfather or stepmother.

All of these types have their own characteristics related to what caused jealousy, and each of them requires a special approach.

To the youngest child

When a second baby appears in the family, a problem arises due to its increase: the reaction of the older child to the birth of the youngest.

What to do in this case?

You cannot give the first-born a reason to think that the newborn baby is his rival in the fight for parental love. Parents must convey to him the idea of the inevitability of the appearance youngest child. You can’t ask your firstborn: “Do you want a brother or sister?”, but you just need to confront him with a fact. Then the eldest child will think that this is how it is necessary for a second baby to appear in the family and will perceive his appearance as an inevitable reality.
It is necessary to explain to the older child that his parents will not stop loving him and that the appearance of a baby will not change anything in the attitude of mom and dad towards him.
Parents need to prepare their son or daughter to take care of the baby when he is not yet born, and say that they will certainly need the help of an older child in caring for the newborn baby.
To avoid jealousy of the elder towards the younger, after the birth of the second baby you cannot say: “I love you equally.” Each child must be treated in a special way - as if he were the only one in the family.

The older the first child, the easier it is for him to accept both temporary hardships and parental explanations regarding the appearance of a second child in the family. At proper preparation For such a child, problems with jealousy arise at a minimum before the upcoming event, or they do not appear at all.

When children grow up in a family big difference at age, it is important to avoid two extremes:

Increased attention paid to only one child. In this case, parents may encounter pronounced jealousy on the part of their other son or daughter.
Require the first-born to take care of the youngest. Mom and dad must remember that the eldest is also a child who needs parental attention and care. You can involve the firstborn in caring for the baby and household chores, but you cannot deprive him of his own life.

Parents should gratefully accept the help of the eldest child and invariably praise him for it.

To one of the parents

It happens that even without the appearance of a younger child in the family, childhood jealousy cannot be avoided. The eldest of the children is not ready to share the love and care of mom and dad or vice versa, which is why one parent is jealous of the other.

Ways to avoid jealousy towards one of your parents:

Talk to the baby and explain to him that love for him and the love of parents for each other are different feelings that do not replace one another. And that the love and attention of dad or mom is enough for all family members.
If, when showing feelings on the part of the other parent, the child is capricious or, worse than that, throws a tantrum, under no circumstances should you distance yourself from your husband or wife and run to calm the baby. Try to involve him in the process: for example, invite your husband and child to kiss you at the same time or in turn, or hug them both yourself.
Abstraction. If no persuasion or tricks work, and the child continues to scream and cry, it is necessary to divert his attention and, if necessary, take him to another room. And only after he calms down, it will be possible to discuss with him the reasons for the hysteria that happened.

To a new dad or mom

If people who already have children get married, the problem of jealousy towards the new chosen one of mom or dad is almost inevitable.

Due to the fact that father and mother have different functions in the family, children’s attitudes towards new adult family members are structured differently depending on who came to the family: stepfather or stepmother.

First, let's consider the situation when a child has a new mother.

To avoid jealousy of your husband’s children, you need to follow these rules:

A new mother needs to be prepared for the fact that her husband’s children will react negatively to her appearance in the family.
You cannot immediately show dissatisfaction with the behavior of your husband’s children or, even more so, scold them for it. First you need to gain their respect and sympathy by caring for them and showing them attention.
Expecting a new mother constant comparisons with the child's natural mother. Most often, these comparisons are not in favor of the stepmother. In this case, she just needs to endure it similar situation. After some time, her relationship with her husband’s children will become more trusting. In the meantime, the new mother should make it clear to her husband’s child that she is not an enemy, but an ally and perhaps even a friend.
The child probably dreams of being dear mother, if she is alive, returned to the family. He may show aggression towards his father's new wife, be rude to her, or simply ignore her. In this case, it is worth telling your spouse about the behavior of his son or daughter, but it is unacceptable to blame the child or his real mother.
If the husband’s child has “embarked on the warpath”, he complains to his father about new mother, provokes her or snaps at her, and sometimes attracts other relatives to her side, in no case should you succumb to these provocations. It is necessary to show the child that his plan to expose his stepmother in an unfavorable light has been figured out, but no retaliatory action should be taken. You cannot transfer the negativity from the child’s actions onto your husband or spoil relationships with other relatives. This will not solve, but will only worsen the problem.

The mother and father, not only in words, but also in deeds, need to make it clear to the child that their marriage is unshakable, and no provocations on his part will destroy the family.

A different situation develops if a family comes new dad.

Children sometimes experience not just hostility, but real hatred towards their stepfather: after all, he “stole” their mother, and they cannot forgive their mother for “betrayal.” In this case, you must use all possible ways in order to improve relationships with children, such as:

Convey to the child the idea that every person has the right to love and be loved. We need to explain to the children that their mother’s love is enough for both them and her new husband.
You can't allow yourself to be manipulated. It is necessary to stop all attempts to make the mother feel guilty. A child must learn for the rest of his life that blackmail is unacceptable under any circumstances.
It is necessary to give your son or daughter attention for at least an hour a day. Let it be time that belongs only to the mother and him or her: for example, the tradition of having a heart-to-heart talk before bed. Otherwise, the emotional losses of the child will be prohibitively great.
You should not discuss the family situation too often, showing excessive concern for the child and his new dad to become friends. Usually this happens on its own.

How older child, the longer it may take him to recognize the new adult in the family as “his own.”

Childhood jealousy arises due to the fact that the child is afraid of losing the world that is familiar to him, where he is loved and where he is valued. Manifestations of childhood jealousy cannot be ignored: you need to notice them in time and fight them. It should be remembered that the jealousy of children is those feelings and emotions that can remain with them for the rest of their lives and greatly complicate it in the future.

Popular in the category: