If you don't feel a man's love. I don't feel love or care from him

From a purely psychological point of view. We need to look at the reasons for the “closure” and learn to liberate ourselves, maybe yes. But firstly, there may be a bunch of other purely psychological moments, for example, a bad example of the relationship between father and mother - if there was cruelty or indifference between them, frequent quarrels. So physiological. Endogenous depression of the apathetic spectrum can be not only a consequence of a long absence of relationships, but also the cause of such absence. That is, depression can also be primary. Also, comorbid ADD/H can make a person less receptive to romantic love. Just based on the description of your personality, it may sound like ADD/H. Moreover, you are a creative person in the way you write. This is a bird of a feather. With depersonalization-derealization as a result of psychological trauma, there may also be coldness, but you don’t seem to be completely indifferent. And they would rather complain about the DR/DP syndrome itself, it is difficult to ignore. Perhaps a component of atypical depression and apathetic-melancholic depression is such insensitivity to love but participation in the problems of others. Here, a person empathizes well with the sorrows of others, but it is difficult to rejoice himself. IN ADDITION, HYPOTERIOSIS and, as a consequence, chronic fatigue syndrome can greatly dampen emotions. It can itself cause depression or intensify it if there is already soil. Nutrient deficiencies such as iron can reduce the level of dopamine (yes, iron directly in the central nervous system helps the formation of the dopamine molecule) and it is responsible, as everyone knows, for pleasure. In addition to it, you can also try taking acetylated tyrosine if you don’t have contraindications (n ​​- acetyl tyrosine) and you also need zinc and vitamin C and magnesium and chromium and calcium and b6, b9. DL phenylalanine to produce phenethylamine (PEA) and the same dopamine (DA), if there is little tyrosine. There MAY be something else wrong with the production of oxytocin. He is also responsible for affection (or rather, primarily). There may be mutations in the dop receptor genes or simply overstimulation of them by dopamine (drugs, sex, games, etc.). Maybe, of course, you are simply much more beautiful and smarter than the average person and few people “reach out” to you. Here, as they say, “it’s difficult for a girl from high society to avoid loneliness.” Maybe, on the contrary, you are exaggerating your demands too much, then you need to work with pride and understand how self-esteem is built over time. Boris Litvak has a book “Seven Steps to Stable Self-Esteem”, where in a number of chapters the topic of why we become “disappointed” as we recognize the partner, how this is related to social status and self-esteem is well covered. Phew I think that's enough for now. I often encounter this myself. Of course, it’s a shame not to have a pleasant relationship “like everyone else,” but remember that someone else’s lawn is greener and things can be “like hell” with these “everyone,” too. The external idyll is often deceptive. People often play for the audience. I would like to remember the classic “In order to live life with dignity, you need to know a lot. Remember these two rules, my friend, for starters: you’d better be hungry than eat anything and it’s better to be alone than with just anyone.” I recently went through a period of about 4 years without a relationship. I’m just tired of “falling out of love” the same way you constantly do. I just gave up on it and nothing is alive. Now I have become wiser. I DO NOT try to break ends right away if I don’t feel a storm of emotions. It was said by someone that in older age it often happens that relationships flare up more slowly, but more stable. Maybe it will work out. I also try to understand my own imperfections and my imperfection. Our pickiness is usually asymmetrical. We can not see the log in our own eye and at the same time look for the ideal. Our partner’s disadvantages irritate us, but we take the advantages for granted. There is a parable about an old man who was looking for an ideal woman, but never married, because she was looking for an ideal man. Phew

I asked with another question, but everything was the same, and a couple of months have passed. The thing is that he doesn’t pay attention to me, we live together, we have a normal relationship with his mother (she also lives with us). He practically doesn’t approach me, he’s cold, I ask him “do you love me?” He sometimes is silent, says I don’t know, and sometimes he says, “If I didn’t love you, you wouldn’t be here anymore,” but recently I asked again, he answered yes. I went to his VKontakte page, where he had likes on his posts that I didn’t feel anything for anyone, no love, no affection, etc. I recently told him that we were breaking up, to which he replied “do as you please”... I am also to some extent a psychologist, I understand people, but I need professionals, then they gave me answers to that link, and they helped me. for some time. But the problem doesn't go away. I tried to talk to him, to solve the problem, but he doesn’t see it as a problem and leaves the conversation, I understand that we need to talk and always discuss the problem and look for a way out, but I can’t force him, I want to try in a month when he’s on vacation will come and let some time pass so as not to torment him. I also remember we talked a long time ago on this topic, he said that he was afraid to open up to someone again, he was afraid that he would be abandoned again and he couldn’t for now, I think that these are all excuses, enough time has passed since that moment, he sees that no one loved him like that Much like me, I really want to save this union. I can’t live normally, I’ve lost weight, my mood depends only on him, it’s terrible. I ask for your help.

I guess I should also point out my shortcomings: I think he’s tired of me, he sees that I’m not going anywhere, I’m not leaving him, and he’s probably taking advantage of it.

My flaw is this: I love him too much, I follow him everywhere, even his relatives once told me (Name), stop following him, you should, on the contrary, show your coldness to some extent.

But I can not. I'm attached, I'm obsessed with him. I fell in love for the second time. After breaking up with my first love, I couldn’t date anyone at all, everyone annoyed me, I left them after a week, but then I fell in love. I can say with confidence, I LOVED it. Although he is far from handsome, he is also dystrophic, but for me he is the best and most beautiful. Many of my friends don’t understand how I could get along with him. I’m 20, he’s 26. However, I won’t call him an adult)) These are just numbers. I apologize for the insults towards him. Just to make everything clear.

Author's addition from 08/25/17 23:22:18
Yes, you are right) I control him, read his correspondence, see what he likes, see who he calls, but I try to do it when he doesn’t see it, I’m afraid of betrayal, that he will leave, that the end will come.

Question for a psychologist:

Good afternoon I am 26 years old, my boyfriend is 30. Our relationship began more than a year ago, we met on the Internet, started communicating, but at that time I only needed him to forget my past man. Accordingly, after a couple of months, I offered to break up, although he said that he loved me. During the year we communicated, but very rarely, we went to a cafe a couple of times or just for a walk. A year later, he had an accident, we began to communicate more closely, and then I realized that I had fallen in love. At the moment we have been living together for half a year, a month ago he proposed to me. The problem is that I don’t feel love, care, and this has been throughout the entire relationship. We quarrel very often because he can say something rudely, or while I’m telling something, he simply says that he urgently needs to call and starts talking on the phone. He never asks anything, he himself doesn’t tell where he is or how his day went, he doesn’t share his problems. It's easier for him to tell his friends everything. Although I never condemned him and, on the contrary, I am always ready to support him. I feel unnecessary, a stranger to him. We quarrel over the phone, because he might be texting with someone at night, and I ask who. He starts to freak out. He never apologizes, even if he is guilty. He just gets offended and sits on the phone or just watches TV. I try to come home quickly after work, hug and be with him. But after one phrase from him, all desire disappears. Also regarding the proposal, he gave me a ring and asked me if I would become his wife, but he doesn’t talk about the wedding, not when, not where. Tell me, what is our problem? Maybe I'm too fixated, or is the problem with my man?

Psychologist Gerasimenko (Kolos) Lyudmila Nikolaevna answers the question.

Hello Irina, thanks for the question. In the first part of your letter, you write that you started communicating and then dating only to forget your past man. When you break up with someone dear to you, you can’t immediately enter into another relationship; the advice “knocks each other out” doesn’t work. Time must pass, experience and let go of feelings for another. Maybe there is something unfinished in the relationship (there was no last conversation, a showdown, the last point was not made. You have something left unsaid, not clarified. This will most likely extend into the next relationship, you will transfer grievances from one man to another, to compare, to wait for what that man did not give you. Psychologists are very helpful for this, they create an environment in which you can end the relationship with the man with whom you broke up and then, renewed, you enter into another relationship.

And in the second part, I can assume that it is possible that during courtship after the accident, you dissolved so much in your partner (merged) that he simply stopped noticing you. Advice: don’t lose your “I”, don’t get hung up on this problem, live a full, self-sufficient life, life doesn’t revolve around your partner, you should also have your own interests. Develop nearby, multiply your advantages. And who knows, maybe your man will notice you and look at you with completely different eyes. All the best, Irina.

Hello!
I have a small problem... It so happened that I have never experienced the feeling of true love.
To be honest, I have never had a serious love relationship. Yes, there were only meetings, walks, dates, but nothing more. I don't know what's happening to me. At the age of 18, I took the initiative: I was the first to write to a young man I liked on the Internet. We continued to communicate, every day I learned something new and interesting about him. Yes, he interested me, and I kept waiting for him to want to meet me in person. Finally, this moment has come. I saw him and realized that I liked him very much. We met like this for a month, it was just friendly meetings. At the same time, I felt that he was not indifferent. Just recently he gave me flowers, and for some reason I was very... not that scared, but surprised by such an act on his part. I realized that I was absolutely not ready for a serious relationship. Why? Maybe because I only feel sympathy for him? There can be no talk of any love. There is no light, spark, eclipse... None of this exists. I even blame myself for this, because the guy is good, kind. Moreover, I have never had a boyfriend...I'm afraid, what if I make some mistake? He himself admitted that he was very much in love with me, but I was not. As soon as I see some young man in the crowd, something strange happens in my soul, I want to please this stranger. I want to fall in love at first sight, but it doesn't happen...
I do not know what to do. Why can't I experience the feelings of falling in love? Is it worth continuing a relationship if you are not in love? What if I still can’t fall in love? Never?
Help me, please, with advice! I will be very grateful to you!

Hello. Anastasia. The absence of a feeling of falling in love is a defensive reaction to falling in love itself, from which you unconsciously expect a strong fear of being abandoned and unwanted. Therefore, being unconfident, you endow you and the young man with a feeling of criticism. And it seems to you that he He will soon understand you, see your imperfections and leave you. Therefore, your avoidances are neurotic. You both want and are afraid. The way out is to accept yourself as more valuable and flawless. At the same time, give yourself the right to both mistakes and small ones shortcomings. They exist in every person. Then you will find the strength to take a risk and get closer to a young man, to imbue him with high feelings without fear of consequences. Openness is a sign of trust and self-sufficiency. Therefore, change and fall in love on the principle of reciprocity and gratitude, avoiding unrequited relationships .

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd

I recently attended a book club discussion on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. After studying the book for weeks, Lewis's otherwise mild-mannered fans suddenly went from waving palm fronds to yelling, "Crucify him!"

This revolution was brought about by the following principle found in the chapter on Charity (Christian Love):

The rule for all of us is quite simple. Don't waste your time worrying about whether you love your neighbor; act as if you love.

"Blasphemy!" – several people screamed, and one even tried to rip his Ralph Lauren T-shirt on his chest. “This,” argued their informal leader, “smacks of a fake-it-till-you-make-it mentality that cannot be tolerated within the Christian concept of love.”

“Insincere love is not love!”
"If you don't feel it, you can't love."
“My rule is one hundred percent sincerity!”

The Shakespeare crowd screamed louder and louder, one complaint fueling the next.

Be someone more than you really are

And while the Christian peasants grabbed their pitchforks, it became increasingly clear that in their eyes Lewis had violated the law of self-expression: the law of being truly himself. Psychology has instilled in our generation the idea that self-expression is the highest good. If you don't feel it, it's not authentic and therefore not real. This, combined with the definition that love is almost exclusively a warm feeling located deep within us, creates the idea of ​​​​a desecration of the idea of ​​love by a person who does not experience love, but is forced to behave like a loving person.

The main problem with "wait 'til you feel it" love is that it's more Hollywood than Bible. It fundamentally undermines the two greatest commandments given by Jesus. The commandments to love God and neighbor often attack this love, suppressing our natural inclinations and inconveniences in our self-expression:

no matter if he hurt you.
Love your neighbor as yourself, no matter how unpopular he is.
Love your neighbor as yourself, despite the fact that he embodies all those unpleasant traits that you didn’t even know you had until you met him.

Or, more importantly:

Love God no matter how busy you are.
Love God no matter how angry you are with Him.
Love God no matter how sick, tired or confused you are.

No footnotes, asterisks, or qualifications indicate any nuance in these two commandments. “I’m not feeling it” is a problem to be overcome, not an excuse for disobedience.

Fake it 'til you make it

These men and women who felt the strain of Lewis's principle were rightfully irritated because our feelings Ideally must precede our actions that express love for God and our neighbors. But you will probably agree with me - often it doesn’t work out that way. Our feelings are immature - they tend to sulk, squeal and remain silent. And, unfortunately, they are often angry with those they love the most.

So, given that our fallen feelings are not fully redeemed, what should we do in situations where we are not we feel self-loving? What I suggest is this: fake the feeling until He makes it real.

The naysayers were right about fighting “fake it 'til you make it” love, because we ourselves don't do anything that lasts. We may feign temporary sympathy and compassion for people, but a deep change of heart toward others (that glorifies the Lord and actually loves them) comes from God himself (Galatians 5:22-23). Indeed, this is only possible after God gives us a new heart.

Acting honestly

So we must act.

Instead of waiting for your inner feelings to accumulate the appropriate amount of love for someone, ask yourself a Lewis-style question: What would I do if I had the right feelings for them? Will I be able to get off the couch and apologize to my wife? Will I call a relative I haven't spoken to in years? Should I invite my neighbor to dinner?

Use your God-given imagination to imagine what love looks like, and then do it.

And pray while you act.

We don't want to live forever in a discrepancy between actions and feelings - and thank God we won't. But as we look forward to being more like Him (1 John 3:2), we pray for God to enlarge our redeemed but still too-tight hearts. When we pray, we act as if we really feel it. We put the cart before the horse and ask God to make the horse gallop. We respond gently to our colleagues' comments as if we love them, while asking God to give us real love for them.

Another name for this type of love is simply faith. We don't gnash our teeth and "pretend" in the traditional sense. We “pretend” by looking to Christ and waiting for His Spirit to complete what He has begun in us (Philippians 1:6). Without faith in our actions, we become like the Pharisees and fail to please God (Hebrews 11:6).

Great secret

Surprisingly, God often provides the feelings we need in those moments when we act before we feel. I experienced the reality of what Lewis beautifully describes in the following sentence:

Once we do this, we discover one of the great secrets. When you act like you love someone, you will soon love them. If you hurt someone you don't like, you will find that you dislike them even more.

It's true that your actions often stem from your feelings, but it's also true that and your feelings come from your actions. Not acting in the name of “true love” actually blocks the flow of feelings that could flow if you acted.

I have good friends that I couldn't stand at first. But as the Lord worked on me, He gave me the opportunity to act as if I loved them before I actually loved them - and real love soon followed. The more I invested my energy, time and thoughts into these people, the more my heart became convinced that I truly loved them.

Love is a gift from God, often given when we act before we feel.

He's already done it

The more I try to apply this principle in my life, the more opportunities I discover for its application.

Don't miss the most interesting things!

• You are tempted to fear a person? How would you act if you didn't have this ungodly fear? Act by asking God to give you the liberating fear of Him, not of man (Isaiah 8:12-13).

• You are tempted by anxiety? What would it look like to trust in the Lord with all your heart in this situation (Proverbs 3:5)? Take action and ask God to give you His peace (John 14:27).

• Are you tempted by lust? What would honoring God look like toward that girl, guy, or computer screen? Take action and ask God to kill the lusts still growing in your heart.

As a result, we “fake it until we make it” because, in fact, He has already made it - He has already done it. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the ancient has passed away, now everything is new.”(2 Corinthians 5:17). We don't pretend to be someone we're not; we “put on” who we already are, even though we don’t feel like we live up to it (Colossians 3:1-17).

As Christians, we fake love not to escape reality, but to live it more fully.

Author - Greg Morse/ © 2018 Desiring God Foundation. Website: desiringGod.org
Translation - Natalia Nakaznyuk For