Make peace with your sister in different cities. How to improve relationships between siblings
Quarrels between older and younger children in the family exhaust both the quarrels themselves and the parents. How to behave when the closest people are almost fighting? Reasons for a quarrel
The relationship of parents with their brothers and sisters is undoubtedly reflected in the relationship between children in the family. She tried to retroactively fix her life. As a result, my cousins don't talk to each other anymore."
Parents have a lot of trouble delivering quarrels between children - brothers and sisters. If there are two or more children in the family, conflicts. Therefore, parents should not underestimate quarrels between children and try to find ways to help improve relationships
© Provided by: Passion.ru“I hate Natasha, she ruined my whole life!”, “Earring is my mother’s favorite, he is always the best, and I only reproaches and complaints.” It is difficult to imagine how many claims to each other the brothers and sisters have. Is it possible to fix something? Or is it easier to keep the interaction to a minimum?
It would seem that it could be easier - do not communicate, and that's it. Good times when you shared by two desk and candy, long gone. But when it comes to blood relatives, everything is somewhat more complicated. And it is difficult to completely break off a relationship for a number of reasons:
stereotypes and public opinion: “blood is not water”, “relatives should stay close” and other maxims are very tenacious, it is difficult to resist them; clan of relatives: if you live close to each other, you will have to meet at family celebrations. If far away - to solve the issue of caring for elderly parents; internal attitudes: far from everyone can let go of the situation. Haven't seen each other for 20 years, but each New Year remember that your sister on this holiday got more gifts? Relationships are not over.
And the question arises: how to be? Take five steps towards each other. Five steps that, if not, will turn you into loving relatives, then at least get rid of the negative when communicating. And the psychologist Tatyana Gorbacheva will help us with this.
“You have such a close relationship, it’s just amazing! Your son talks to you like a friend!” These enthusiastic words of a colleague puzzled Julia. “I told her that my son sent me an interesting lecture “for inspiration”. I was pleased that she reacted like that, I felt proud. But the word "girlfriend" caused a protest in me. I'm a mom, not a girlfriend! But at the same time, we are really friendly ... “Does distance bring you closer?” “I want us to be friends,” parents say all the time, especially, perhaps, mothers. Friendship with a grown child for many is a matter of pride, one of the indicators of successful parenthood.
In childhood, quarrels between siblings are by no means uncommon and are even the norm. But when conflicts continue into adulthood, it can become a serious problem. How to stop fighting? How to build a relationship with a brother or sister?
Many people who have brothers or sisters seek to communicate with them even after they reach adulthood. Therefore, one day even siblings, who have been very friendly all their lives, can quarrel. It is important to know how to improve relations with a sister or brother: this
Step one: grow up
Many sibling conflicts (children of the same parents) come from childhood. The reasons may be different. For example, wrong upbringing when parents clearly singled out one child, making him a favorite.
There is an opinion that sometimes dad or mom subconsciously cultivate rivalry and jealousy, working off their own injuries: “You see how hard it is to be the oldest! I was also scolded all the time for quarrels with my brother!”
Or the wrong arrangement of roles: for example, a mother forced her teenage daughter to sit with her baby, she believes that she was deprived of her childhood because of her brother. Or one child was often sick, and the parents forced the healthy one to constantly make concessions, sacrifice their interests.
But you've grown up. And you can build relationships without looking back at your own childhood. Look at your brother or sister from the perspective of an adult. It doesn't matter who ate someone else's ice cream 20 years ago. What is this person now? Why is it difficult for you to communicate?
I often meet people who are unsure whether they should continue their relationship with a partner. Recently, a friend shared: “Only when my beloved and I are together, I feel our connection. If he is not around, I don’t know if he needs our relationship and how exactly he spends his time. I try to talk to him about it, but it only angers him. He thinks I'm exaggerating and I need to be more confident." Another patient confesses: “We have been married for three years and I love my wife. But she does not allow me to be myself: to pursue my hobbies and spend time alone with friends. I constantly have to think about how my wife will react to this, whether it will upset her.
“I hate Natasha, she ruined my whole life!”, “Earring is my mother’s favorite, he is always the best, but I only reproaches and complaints.” It is difficult to imagine how many claims to each other the brothers and sisters have. Is it possible to fix something?
Should I build relationships with a brother or sister if they didn’t work out in the first place? But you've grown up. And you can build relationships without looking back at your own childhood. Look at your brother or sister from the perspective of an adult.
Step two: acknowledge the problem
© Provided by: Passion.ru Yes, your relationship is far from those that are found in movies and books about big friendly family. Yes, you are offended by a brother or sister for indifference or consumer relations. Or maybe you had a serious conflict, you can not forgive him? But after all, the second participant in the drama has his grievances. What is the brother dissatisfied with, what is the sister offended by? Are they ready to talk and get closer?
Step Three: Get Realistic
Native blood, of course, is important. But how close and interesting is the person with whom you had a common childhood?
If your views and interests are very different, it is unlikely that the relationship will turn into friendship. As for serious protracted conflicts and burning hatred, the sooner you deal with them, the better. After all, anger corrodes us from the inside and prevents us from living. And if you cannot change a bad brother or a selfish sister, you can try to change own attitude. Sometimes it's easier to do with a psychologist.
Nothing of value can be obtained without effort. The more we invest in relationships, the more successful they will be for us. Just five steps will help make them happy. © Getty Images 5 Steps to Better Relationships 1. Express GratitudeOne of the better ways strengthen relationships with a partner, relative or friend - do not hesitate to express your gratitude to this person. This is not about the usual polite "thank you" for something that was given to you or done for you. True gratitude is a deep appreciation for what this person present in your life.
How to get in touch with your sister. A sister is much more than a friend. The connection we make with her goes way beyond family relations. Just as children are not copies of their parents, siblings can be completely different.
There are many ways to improve your relationship with your siblings if you feel you are not close enough to them. The effort will pay off, I assure you. Below I will describe 7 tricks that will help you solve this problem.
Step four: be patient
© Provided by: Passion.ru We talked, repented and sobbed on each other's chest - this is often found in melodramas and rarely in reality. Get ready for unpleasant conversations, pulling skeletons out of closets, new conflicts. If you do not feel the strength for this or want to make peace "for show", it is better not to start. Do not take on too much: success also depends on the second participant in this relationship. Otherwise, it will turn out to be a one-sided game, in which new offenses cannot be avoided.
Step Five: Draw Borders
Having reconciled, you seem to start a relationship with clean slate. But so that everything does not return to normal, it is worth remembering how you ended up in such a dead end, and in the future try not to make such mistakes. Decide what you are ready to forgive your sister or brother, and what you consider unacceptable. State your views: this will save you from a new conflict better than hints and guesses.
How to get over a relationship breakup: 5 steps
Think about it, would you be who you are if you were always happy? Most likely, now you think that the question sounds mocking. It is unbearably hard for you, and you think that this pain will not leave you. Over time, when you overcome the feeling of loss, you realize that you were able to withstand emotionally, became more confident. And if other difficulties and losses appear on your way, you will be psychologically ready for them. STEP # 2 The end of a relationship is not your defeat after losing a relationship.
Anthropologist Margaret Mead once said: “There is no rivalry in the family more acute than between sisters, and there is no friendship stronger than friendship between adult sisters”.
Your sister knows you better than anyone else. She saw what was happening behind closed doors, aware of all your childhood secrets, she shared grief and holidays, fun and tears with you. Those who are lucky enough to have a sister understand very well that she is a real treasure that must be valued and protected.
Relationship with sister
A sister is much more than a friend. The bond we form with her goes far beyond family relationships. She will protect you in all battles, will become your indestructible support, which you can always count on.
Relationship between sisters often far from ideal and not without controversy. From arguing about cartoons to fighting over toys, from dress-up competition to conquest, childhood and adolescence can be like battlefields. parental love. But years pass, and you realize how close and important your sister is to you.
It is often said that our real family - the one that we choose ourselves, and not the one with which we have blood ties. Experience really confirms that sometimes friends become closer relatives. But psychological and biological kinship is stronger than any other kind of relationship.
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A bond that is stronger than family ties
When in last time did you have a heart to heart talk with your sister? Perhaps an eternity has already passed in silence? Sometimes in life we find ourselves at a crossroads: our feelings are hurt after a quarrel, pride presses, and a truce still does not come. Despite the irritation, the heart languishes from the wound and the resulting distance. It is very difficult to fight for a long time. After all, she is still your sister, younger or older. She guided you, gave advice and was always there.
One phone call, familiar laughter, memories - and your connection will be restored, despite the distance and problems, resentment and caustic reproaches.
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Grew up in the same family, but so different
Sometimes you wonder how it turns out that children raised in the same family, who received the same education, are incredibly different from each other in character.
Some sisters are rebellious rebels who help you find your own voice, teach you how to protect rights and territory, choose what is best for you.
Others, like an ocean of calm and harmony, always reward valuable advice, support in difficult times, can listen and understand.
Your sister doesn't have to be like you. Just as children are not copies of their parents, siblings can be absolutely different interests and reactions to the same things. This is another factor that helps your personality grow, because you and your sister complement each other.
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When you don't even need words
There is no need to verbally explain to your sister that you feel bad. emotional connection And blood relations make her intuitively understand that something is wrong with you. This is what it means to feel comfort from closeness and care!
You may have friends, beloved spouses, even parents close by, but you and your sister share a common legacy of various stories and events. So only she can truly understand you and help you.
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Differences and distance are not obstacles
It doesn't matter how far life scatters loved ones. Let us have long ago acquired individual families and between us there is already a whole abyss of circumstances. But concern for her sister and interest in her life will not go anywhere. This is natural, almost at the level of the sixth sense. There is always an opportunity to receive or provide the necessary support to the other half of our heart, whether it be a phone call or a message.
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Nobody is as sincere and truthful as a sister
Perhaps the reason is the years lived together or the baggage of shared experience. But you know very well that your sister will always speak the truth straight to your face. There is no need for a sister to be condescending with you, let alone flatter. She knows that honesty and sincerity are an integral part of family relationships, and, without a doubt, this is exactly what you need.
You can fool the whole world, but not your sister. With her, you go through a difficult childhood experience, ups and downs, mistakes of youth, disappointments, meet maturity together - personal triumphs unite you in a wonderful way. All this remains in your hearts.
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When relations with the closest person have deteriorated, the advice of wise and experienced people comes to the rescue. .
It's hard to be a good sister, but it's even harder to be a good granddaughter to your grandmother. But it plays an important role in your life. .
Parents will someday leave our lives, only we, their children, will remain. Is it worth it to quarrel with your sister if there is no longer a closer person in the world? All people make mistakes. Is a quarrel so important that because of it to harbor a grudge for years? If this topic is close to you and the article made you think, share it with your sister!
This is a real creative lab! A team of true like-minded people, each of which is an expert in his field, united by a common goal: to help people. We create materials that are really worth sharing, and our beloved readers serve as a source of inexhaustible inspiration for us!
Hello, I have a very difficult incomprehensible relationship with a sister. I am 38 years old, married, have two children, and my sister is 36, no husband, no children, lives with her mother. She had bad marriage ended in divorce. Maybe everything would have gotten better for them, but my mother saw her sister's husband as an unworthy person, a lazy person, indifferent, and under her mother's influence, the sister divorced her husband. And now she seems to be afraid to build new relationships, she says that she doesn’t need it, it’s so good next to her mother, she will wash, and cook, and sympathize, everything is fine with her mother, tandem, they consult on everything, solve problems together. But with all this, and probably so as not to worry her mother once again with some problems, the sister "pours out her soul" to a stranger, the so-called friend, who is 15 years older than her sister and who has a lot of her own problems that she can not solve in any way. Looks like I found soul mate. My sister doesn’t tell me anything, maybe she doesn’t want to burden me with her problems, maybe she doesn’t trust me. Although we, before my marriage, had normal relationship. Now we don’t even go anywhere together, neither for a walk, nor for a cafe, like, for example, two girlfriends. Either she doesn’t want this at all, it’s not interesting, or she doesn’t want to leave her mother alone at home. And with their mother, they go shopping very amicably and sometimes travel. When I once spoke about friendly communication with my sister, she answered me: and what should I do to make it as you want. Those. Turns out she doesn't need it. She is mine younger sister, but sometimes it seems to me that she is our mother and I common mom, reasonable, abstruse, although she can only advise me how to communicate with my children, and then sometimes. But she protects her mother, protects her, even from me. My sister never helps to establish relations with my mother during quarrels, she takes the side of my mother and only I am to blame for all the disagreements. He tells me: talk to your mother directly, you don’t need to interfere with me. Even with acquaintances, friends, my sister's relationship is better than with me. Maybe she is angry with me in her heart that I "betrayed" her by getting married, having children, and now she lives alone with her mother, lives the life of her mother. I'm kind of stressed about relationships like this. want to talk, to discuss something, and just to chat like a girl, but we are moving further and further away from each other. Mom says that they have their own family, I have my own, so go everywhere with your husband. They believe and are sure that they have no problems in their relationship with me, but I have and I need to see a psychologist. Although both sides are to blame for the conflicts, but here I get only me. It is impossible to talk heart to heart at once, everything is perceived with hostility and they shut me up. On the one hand, I kind of want to improve relations, but for some reason only I want this, and on the other hand, I think that I need to live with my family and just sometimes meet with my mother and sister, without delving into their problems, life. It even seems to me that my mother sets her sister up for negativity towards me, she is against me and my husband very offended for any reason, and the fact that, as it seems to her, we are not engaged in raising children, and that we do not help either physically or financially. And when we offer help, she says that nothing is needed. Considers us ungrateful in everything, mother sometimes fiddles with eldest granddaughter. He says that give me a granddaughter to raise, and sometimes even threatens that he will take her away, depriving us of parental rights. These are all my relatives and my mother and sister, and now we are like strangers. There is no way to build a good relationship.Difficult relationship with sister and mother
Hello Valeria.
You are already all adults, everyone has their own life and you need to intervene and help only when they ask for help. Yes, I understand you love your family and want to be closer to them, but as they say, the farther the closer. You have to accept them for who they are. Your sister wants to live with her mother, this is Her choice. Often we help our relatives with our understanding and belief that everything will be as it is best for them.
Seraphim of Sarov said / Save yourself and thousands will be saved. /
Changing someone's life is not possible, and not right. We can only change ourselves.
It is possible and necessary to meet with our relatives, come to visit each other, but at the same time not violate their personal space. speak in common topics do nice things to them. At the same time, without imposing your opinion.
Treat your sister and mother with love and understanding, do not react to their grievances, and everything will work out.
I wish you joy and good luck. Sincerely, psychologist Valentina Veklich.
Years of quarrels and misunderstandings with siblings can drag on for life. But how to find mutual language? How to escape from the ocean of inconsistencies, envy and hostility?
How did it all start?
Lera is only three years younger than me. The difference is not that big. For many years, she and I shared one children's room, one wardrobe, one clothes in half. When Lera was little, she was looking forward to when the blouse she liked would finally burst at the seams on me. Because then she will become her rightful mistress. Then - when I don’t fit into jeans, don’t pull on sneakers, don’t button up a button on my skirt.
When I entered the institute, Lerka looked with envy at my adult classmates, raised a cry if I suddenly went to a disco with my friends without her. And I had to take it everywhere with me. Basically, I didn't mind. But sometimes she became the third wheel. My gentlemen laughed at her - she was terribly offended and complained to her mother ...
Many years have passed since then, but she has not changed. Lera got married early. The marriage turned out to be unsuccessful, the husband was a bore, the mother-in-law was grumpy, the apartment was small. As a result, she, along with the baby, moved to her parents.
Some time later, my sister remarried. The apartment was already parental, and there was no need to complain about it. But personal life still did not work out. The husband turned out to be a research assistant, dreamed of a dissertation, devoted a lot of time to sitting in libraries, and not getting his daily bread. So Lerka herself had to look for extra income.
But it's not my fault that my life turned out to be a little bit better than hers. Appearing at our place, my sister could not hide her resentment. I tried to calm her down and set her on the right path. And then I made an irreparable mistake. It would have been better to remain silent.
The older sister, who was a little more fortunate in life, gradually turned into a “red rag”. At first they tried to ignore her; then they brushed it aside. But soon this “red rag” became too intrusive, just annoying. From that time on, we began to have serious quarrels.
Once looking at our new apartment, my sister suddenly stumbled upon a tea set that my mother gave me on the occasion of a housewarming party, and imprudently left by me unpacked on the table. “Where is this from? Did you buy again? - as if casually asked Lerka. "No, my mother gave me." A stormy silence hung in the air, which did not bode well for me. After a while, I heard a monologue: “I gave it to you! And we drink from cracked cups. Of course, this is your favorite, and I have always been your stepdaughter ... ”The monologue lasted for about five minutes, interrupted only in those rare moments when it was necessary to take a breath and take a breath for the next phrase. Apparently at this time, my mother tried to insert something in her defense. But Lerka with new force Went for an abortion. "Do you want me to give it to you?" I asked. "I don't need handouts from you!" The sister proudly slammed the door. A week later, in their room, in the most prominent place, a new coffee service flaunted, which, in principle, no one needed. After all, they never invited guests into such cramped quarters. But Lerkino's pride triumphed.
IN Lately I began to visit my parents' house less and less, because each visit ended in a quarrel or insults. “I bought a new dress again,” Lerka, pursing her lips, floated past into her room and tightly closed the doors. And in the evening, washing the dishes in the kitchen, risking to kill all of it from the surging feelings, she said: “The dress is new, but I brought gifts for my nieces for a couple of hryvnias. Who needs her chocolates! I'd rather buy pantyhose."
And she also remembers how once a relative came to visit us - my mother's cousin uncle. And we went to show him our Small town. “Having entered the store, you begged him for a doll,” honing every word, the sister loves to repeat. He bought it for you, but not for me. I remember how satisfied you walked in front, clutching the doll, and I trudged behind and barely held back tears. This episode from a distant childhood, which I did not even suspect, tormented her for many years.
Enemies forever
The older sister of my classmate Luda is seven years older than her. Apparently, the parents were a little late with their youngest, because their age difference is quite large. And it is not surprising that Olya, by right of the elder, always tried to command the younger. Where to go, who to be friends with, what time to return home. She was the first to protest that her younger sister in the eighth grade decided to go to discos. “It’s still small, there’s nothing for you to do there.” And from childhood, not a single evening ended without quarrels. “Are you rummaging through my desk again? What are you looking for all the time there? Olya got angry. And just before she arrived, we were looking at a biology textbook for the ninth grade. “Again she tried on my dresses,” she constantly complained to her mother. But Luda never let go of her older sister. All the time I came up with some intrigues. She really liked to try on her outfits in the absence of her sister. Sometimes it ended in tears: sometimes with a hole in the blouse, sometimes with a broken heel...
Childhood passed, but the enmity between the sisters did not pass, but over the years, on the contrary, it became stronger. One case in particular struck me. The older sister has been married for a long time. Luda studied in another city and, having arrived one day for the holidays, she announced that she was also getting married. On this occasion, her older sister gave her a cut beautiful fabric on Wedding Dress. But Luda couldn't buy shoes. And it must happen so that the eldest somewhere finds exactly those that she liked. future bride. Naturally, Olya did not want to donate the shoes to the younger one even for the sake of the wedding. The sisters quarreled so much that the eldest was not allowed into parental home. And after her next visit, after her, a piece of fabric, previously cut with scissors, flew to the landing.
Since then, the sisters have hardly spoken. They did not meet as families. About the birth of children in the youngest elder sister she found out only by chance, and Luda carefully concealed the birth of her third child, believing that her older sister could harm her with her envy.
Sisters are not chosen
Indeed, sisters are not chosen. And there are more than enough reasons to spoil the relationship between them. Quarreling, we pay little attention to what expressions we choose, what we do in the heat of resentment. And then we don't find the right words for reconciliation, and each time we become further and further apart. And it would be fine, the reason was the undivided grandmother's inheritance or something else like that, otherwise some kind of nonsense - and people part for long and long years. But is it worth it to turn into irreconcilable enemies to two native people? Did our parents dream about this, rejoicing at two little girls?
They were sure that they were leaving behind two loving, dear people who would always come to each other's aid. So is it worth turning your own sister into an enemy? Wouldn't it be better to just become friends, forget insults, try to forgive each other as much as possible, even that which would not be forgiven to any other person. After all, slamming the door is much easier than understanding each other or simply taking everything for granted, without asking anything, without reminding you of anything. And of course, don't be jealous. sister. It is better to take care of your problems, to spend energy on solving them, than to gnaw at yourself every day with thoughts: why is she more lucky in life than me.
Marina YAROSH
Parents Club
Name: Olesya
Hello! I am 23 years old. I live with my parents and sister. My sister is 20. I have such a problem. I can't get along with my sister. Rather, everything is fine if Ira good mood. Or if she needs something from me, well, put on my clothes, help with subjects at the university and stuff like that. Whenever I ask for help, best case it's done with a psycho, in worst phrase"Let go, you already got me." If she doesn’t like something, she can do it for evil, for example, to gather loudly in the morning, or make noise late in the evening, so as not to let me sleep. And I don't do that either. I usually just give in and wait until things get better.
If I do the same Cohabitation may become unbearable. At what I repeat that if she is in a normal mood, and I don’t need anything, then everything is in order with us, we communicate, we can go somewhere. I’m just afraid that it will be like our dad, he doesn’t communicate with his brother at all. All relations ceased, as my brother's problems began, he immediately became unnecessary. Ira went in character to dad, and I went to mom.
Sometimes I think that she is one of the dearest people to me, but I can’t do anything about her attitude. Already tried to talk normally, but immediately the same phrase. Now her boyfriend pacifies a little, after another quarrel she complains to him, and he usually says that she is wrong, you need to be softer. Conflicts have become easier to iron out.
But it's still not an option. So I don't know how to behave. Just like her? Then it is necessary to disperse, it will be simply unbearable to live together. Yes, and this is not an option, we can stop talking altogether. And letting everything take its course and giving in everywhere also doesn’t seem to be an option, I’m afraid that if I seriously need help from her, then I’ll lose my sister in general. Can someone tell me? Maybe someone had a similar situation?
