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The paradox of passion. She loves him, but he doesn't love her.

Dean Delis, Cassandra Phillips

The Passion Trap

How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship

Dean C. Delis, Ph.D.

with Cassandra Phillips

Published with permission from The Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency and Synopsis Literary Agency

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "Vegas-Lex"

* * *

To my parents Lefter and Irene Delis

Hermia: When I frown, he is most tender.

Elena: And I just piss him off with a smile.

Hermia: My curses will give birth to love in it.

Elena: My prayers in it cool the blood.

Hermia: The more hostile I am, the more in love he is.

Elena: The more in love I am, the more hostile he is.

William Shakespeare

Introduction

A few years ago I had to work as a psychologist during a transcontinental flight. My "client" turned out to be a well-dressed, attractive, businesslike woman in her thirties. When she sat down next to me, I immediately noted her absent-minded, preoccupied look - this is how people who “need to speak out” look.

My path lay in New York, where I was to give a lecture on the psychological test I had developed. I was going to make the last clarifications on the flight and was very glad that the neighbor (Liz) did not ask for a conversation. She took out a popular book on relationship problems from her purse. The choice of a neighbor intrigued me, since this topic is of particular interest to me.

When dinner was brought, we started talking. Liz turned out to be a financial analyst and, on duty, often flew on business trips to the West Coast. I love to see how people react to my profession. Sometimes they close, sometimes they get a little annoyed, sometimes they are frank. Liz was one of the latter and really wanted to know if I was familiar with the work of the author of the book she read on the flight. I answered in the affirmative and inquired about her impression of the above. Thus began a conversation that became fateful for me - I found myself "at the forefront" of psychology.

Here's what Liz told me:

You know, I have a strange feeling that the book was written especially for me.

To my question "why?" Liz began to explain:

To be honest, I'm in the midst of a real love crisis right now. I'm torn between two men - my husband and... and the man I work with on the Coast. Because of all these events, I completely lost my head. My husband, Nate, is the sweetest person, a doctor who is ready for anything for me. We've been married for twelve years now, but Nate still gives me roses without waiting for a reason; remembers all the special moments, such as the anniversary of the first meeting. I live with a constant feeling of guilt: I love him, but I quickly get annoyed around him. And he dutifully endures all my antics and only becomes more caring, especially lately, when I least of all deserve it. This makes me feel even worse.

Doug and I met about a year ago, he works as a consultant for our company on the West Coast. Doug is younger than me, he's a modern fashion guy. At first I was skeptical about his courtship - it seemed to me that I was not his type. But Doug's infatuation seemed very sincere, and I realized that I was falling more and more in love myself, although I hoped that our relationship would not go far. This went on for four months. I never cheated on Nate and in the end I thought: “What's so special about this? Doug and I will not have anything serious - just an adventure. But after a couple of business trips and several dates, it turned out that everything was not so simple. Thoughts about Doug would not go out of my head, I constantly called him from work. A young promising female analyst works in our office. When she was sent to the Coast, I almost went crazy with jealousy and fear that she would take Doug away from me.

Dean Delis, Cassandra Phillips

The paradox of passion. She loves him, but he doesn't love her.

The Passion Trap

How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship

Dean C. Delis, Ph.D.

with Cassandra Phillips

Published with permission from The Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency and Synopsis Literary Agency

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "Vegas-Lex"

To my parents Lefter and Irene Delis

Hermia: When I frown, he is most tender.

Elena: And I just piss him off with a smile.

Hermia: My curses will give birth to love in it.

Elena: My prayers in it cool the blood.

Hermia: The more hostile I am, the more in love he is.

Elena: The more in love I am, the more hostile he is.

Introduction

Here's what Liz told me:

You know, I have a strange feeling that the book was written especially for me.

To my question "why?" Liz began to explain:

I uttered a banal phrase that, apparently, a period of trials had come in her life. She smiled bitterly.

Current page: 1 (total book has 28 pages) [accessible reading excerpt: 6 pages]

Dean Delis, Cassandra Phillips
The paradox of passion. She loves him, but he doesn't love her.

The Passion Trap

How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship

Dean C. Delis, Ph.D.

with Cassandra Phillips

Published with permission from The Sandra Dijkstra Literary Agency and Synopsis Literary Agency

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "Vegas-Lex"

* * *

To my parents Lefter and Irene Delis

Hermia: When I frown, he is most tender.

Elena: And I just piss him off with a smile.

Hermia: My curses will give birth to love in it.

Elena: My prayers in it cool the blood.

Hermia: The more hostile I am, the more in love he is.

Elena: The more in love I am, the more hostile he is.

William Shakespeare 1
William Shakespeare. A Midsummer Night's Dream / trans. M. L. Lozinsky. Note. transl.

Introduction

Here's what Liz told me:

You know, I have a strange feeling that the book was written especially for me.

To my question "why?" Liz began to explain:

To be honest, I'm in the midst of a real love crisis right now. I'm torn between two men - my husband and... and the man I work with on the Coast. Because of all these events, I completely lost my head. My husband, Nate, is the sweetest person, a doctor who is ready for anything for me. We've been married for twelve years now, but Nate still gives me roses without waiting for a reason; remembers all the special moments, such as the anniversary of the first meeting. I live with a constant feeling of guilt: I love him, but I quickly get annoyed around him. And he dutifully endures all my antics and only becomes more caring, especially lately, when I least of all deserve it. This makes me feel even worse.

Doug and I met about a year ago, he works as a consultant for our company on the West Coast. Doug is younger than me, he's a modern fashion guy. At first I was skeptical about his courtship - it seemed to me that I was not his type. But Doug's infatuation seemed very sincere, and I realized that I was falling more and more in love myself, although I hoped that our relationship would not go far. This went on for four months. I never cheated on Nate and in the end I thought: “What's so special about this? Doug and I will not have anything serious - just an adventure. But after a couple of business trips and several dates, it turned out that everything was not so simple. Thoughts about Doug would not go out of my head, I constantly called him from work. A young promising female analyst works in our office. When she was sent to the Coast, I almost went crazy with jealousy and fear that she would take Doug away from me.

I uttered a banal phrase that, apparently, a period of trials had come in her life. She smiled bitterly.

I was jealous for nothing. Doug and I got closer and closer, and it scared me a lot. My state of mind was disgusting: here is the husband that every woman dreams of, and what am I doing with him? I constantly made decisions to break up with Doug, but when I saw him, I forgot about everything and thought only how much I love him. This went on for another seven months. Finally, I had an idea: maybe Doug and I really were made for each other. Nate and I don’t have children, so nothing connects me with New York and I can easily transfer to the California office. In addition, some kind of detachment appeared in Doug's behavior, and I decided that it was better not to hesitate.

Lisa paused for a second. On her face again appeared the concerned expression, which I noticed at the beginning of the conversation.

We talked a little more, and then I asked Liz if the book helped her to understand the situation.

It really shows why I'm so unlucky in relationships. Now it’s clear to me that it’s all about the fear of emotional intimacy - because of it, I kept my husband at a distance all these years. I also realized that attachment to Doug has a pathological nature. And my parents seem to have raised me in such a way that I am doomed to find the wrong partners, although my childhood was quite happy. All this is due to low self-esteem and the need to punish yourself. Maybe my parents loved me too much and I couldn't handle it...?

Searching for guilt in the wrong place

Most people seek the help of a psychotherapist because of problems in a love relationship. I have long marveled at how difficult it is to find joy in love and how often it brings only pain. There is some kind of perverted logic in the fact that love - the brightest human feeling - can turn into the most painful emotions.

I listened to Liz self-flagellate, and suddenly I had a new understanding of the essence of the problem. Why did this bright and attractive woman describe herself as emotionally disabled? In her speech, there were notes of fear to become seriously attached to another person, to maintain real intimacy in marriage. But at the same time, with Doug, she behaved like a woman too in love, chained to an indifferent man. In other words, the book of practical advice on psychology offered her conflicting diagnoses. From Liz’s story, I understood that she was lucky to grow up with very caring parents, and not in one of the dysfunctional “cells of society” from which a person carries harmful relationship patterns into adulthood.

Of course, I had empathy for Liz. Love really Maybe to drive you crazy, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a new or established relationship. For example, the fear of rejection often causes low self-esteem, extreme anxiety, overreactions, and an obsession with a loved one that surpasses the love of a partner.

At the same time that the love in your heart starts to fade You You may become “emotionally numb” and worry that you have lost the ability to love, while experiencing a strong sense of guilt.

I myself experienced all these feelings - like Liz and like any of my interlocutors who at least once was in love. Apparently, such vivid experiences are quite normal.

In this situation, both components of love hit Liz at the same time. It is not surprising that her soul was torn apart: I was struck by how abruptly, in one second, her behavior changed depending on what kind of man she told me about. Relationship dynamics can be so powerful that they literally transform a person.. The nature of the changes depends on which side of love he is on: whether he is afraid that he will be rejected, or he himself repels his partner.

I came to the conclusion that because the emotional dynamics of romantic relationships are so strong and predictable, in order to solve problems of this kind, you need to consider them as a separate phenomenon. However, an analysis of the scientific literature showed that no one has yet expressed such a point of view. A person's behavior in intimate relationships is always viewed as a barometer of the state of some other factors, usually how he was treated in childhood. For example, Liz blamed her own shortcomings, rooted in her childhood, for her difficulties. However, in reality, she was all right, except for her willingness to take the blame on herself. However, even more "wrong", in my opinion, was that a book on psychology supported her in this delusion.

I told Liz that in love itself lies eternal Problems. They provoke behavior (completely normal, predictable and universal) that is easily mistaken for pathology. The conversation with Liz made me realize that my point of view needs to be communicated and helped me formulate the following ideas:

We psychotherapists should not automatically view relationship problems as symptoms of emotional pathology associated with childhood experiences. I am becoming more and more convinced of the opinion that people should not be allowed to feel “sick” just because they have difficulties on the love front.

Pathologizing the normal and common to all problems of love can cause great harm: people give up, they stop believing in the possibility of changing everything for the better, finding a worthy partner in relationships, mired in a vicious routine. It is erroneous to consider such problems as pathology, since this does not take into account the real unconscious dynamics of relationships.

Now more than ever, it's important to deal effectively with relationship problems. Recently, many books on psychological self-help have appeared, and people have become very knowledgeable in this area. The huge popularity of such literature indicates that people do not know how to behave with partners, they really need advice. However, I am becoming more and more convinced that many publications do more harm than good due to internal contradictions and pathologisation of problems.

Passion Paradox

Having questioned the generally accepted approaches to relationship problems, I decided to go back to the basics and in the simplest terms I described for myself what exactly causes my clients (and myself) the greatest difficulties in relationships. It all came down to two sentences. One partner loves more(that is, more "emotionally invested" in the relationship) than love him. And the more love he wants, the more less the other side is located to give it.

I have described the state of relationship imbalance this way: the more loving partner is in the “weak” position, and the less loving partner is in the “strong” position. I know from experience that partners often change positions during different periods of the same love affair, so I think that due to today's concern with the abuse of women, we lose sight of an important fact: a woman is not always a victim, she is also capable of breaking hearts.

In addition, I came to the conclusion that almost everyone experiences both sides of love in the same way. It doesn't matter if your mother adored or ignored you, whether you had a happy childhood or an unhappy one. No one (even the most emotionally healthy people) is immune to pain. Of course, a person with psychological problems often finds himself in inharmonious relationships, and a healthy person recovers faster, having received a life lesson. But relationships can hurt everyone without exception.

After formulating this conclusion, I realized that there is a missing link between imbalanced emotional involvement and relationship problems. In this emotional starting point, I saw a paradox, a contradiction, which I called "the paradox of passion." He explains why it is so difficult for us to recognize the existing problem.

Let's go back to Liz's situation. In her relationship with her husband, she clearly occupied the position of the “strong” side. The imbalance that had arisen between them was demonstrated by Nate's increased "courting behavior" and Liz's opposition - her desire to move away from her husband to the point of doubting whether she loves him at all. Liz realized that she was no longer in love with Nate and was not sexually attracted to him.

When we got married, things were very different. Nate, my doctor, was fourteen years older than me, married traditionally, had a devoted wife. I idolized him, because he is older and also a doctor. But after a couple of years, it became clear to me that not everything was rosy between us. Nate was used to having his wife at his disposal all the time, and I decided to complete the MBA course. He practically did not communicate with my friends, and I was not enthusiastic about his company. I wanted children, but this was not part of his plans. Then he wanted a child, and I got sick of giving birth. But despite everything, he loves me very much. We have a wonderful time together, take care of each other, there is a spiritual connection between us.

I noticed that, apparently, Liz was resigned to the problems in her marriage.

Yes… It went on like this until I met Doug. I completely switched to it. Before, I was interested in my career, for example, or finding the right linen tablecloth for the house. Now I feel that some part of me that has been sleeping for a long time has awakened and completely taken possession of me. I have to try to work no worse than before. And Nate seems to be beginning to suspect something.

Liz and Doug's romance was like a mirror image of her relationship with her husband. Nate emotionally "revolved" around her, as she around a lover. With her husband, Liz was nervous, aloof, not very loving, and felt guilty. With Doug, she became passionate, restless and very in love.

I told Liz that the main experience in being in love is losing control of yourself. And this creates anxiety. She agreed.

You know, the first few meetings with Doug were just magical - it was like I was born again. But then I started to get nervous, I began to worry about how he felt about me. I was afraid to make the wrong move, to say the wrong thing.

Liz's anxiety was a consequence of the fear of rejection characteristic of the "weak" position. Unlike other areas of life in the new novel, she felt powerless, vulnerable, unsure of her abilities (and also madly in love). At the beginning of most romantic relationships, both partners experience such hesitation.

The “weak” try harder. A sense of danger and a desire to regain control over the situation make them make great efforts to increase their attractiveness. The meaning of the main courtship rituals is precisely in self-embellishment: we put on the most beautiful outfits, stand for hours at the mirror, invent well-aimed phrases, hone our culinary skills, spend money generously on gifts, restaurants and romantic events - in a word, we make ourselves as desirable as possible. Lisa joked that, having started dating Doug, she spent a month's salary on expensive cosmetics and creams.

The goal of all these efforts is to get emotional power over your loved one and stop worrying about being rejected, that is, to win his love.

But here lies the trap.

If you become too attractive to your chosen one - to the point that he clearly falls in love with you more than you with him - your relationship will be out of balance, and you will find yourself in a position of "strong". And when your partner's detachment scares you, you become "weak." This is the missing link that I was missing.

The very desire to attract another person, to gain emotional power over him, carries the danger of upsetting the balance of relations. This is because the feeling of falling in love is biochemically associated with a feeling of loss of control.. As soon as you feel that you are in complete control of the situation, or realize that you are confident in the love of your partner, passion begins to fade. The challenge, the desire to conquer, the emotional spark and the delight of falling in love disappear.

Of course, everyone knows that rapturous dizziness from love cannot last forever. In a harmonious relationship, having survived the extinction of the initial impulse, the partners move into a phase of intimacy and warmth. But when one partner loves more than the other, patterns of behavior that are dangerous to the relationship are activated. It happened in the family of Liz and Nate. Having ceased to be an object of adoration, her husband fell out of the center of her attention, giving way to other interests. Nate began to feel his confidence in the relationship shaken and his emotional grip on Liz waned. This made him fall more in love with his wife. All manifestations of Nate's love are attempts to win Liz back and get rid of the fear of rejection. However, Liz felt more power in the relationship, the joy of which became less, and ceased to have the same feelings for Nate.

At the same time, if the lover has conquered you (which happened in Doug's case), you feel insecure, fall even more in love, and start fighting for more intimacy... and control over the relationship. Such behavior irritates and repels the "strong" partner and further fuels the "weak" partner's feelings of anxiety and need for intimacy.

As Liz's story shows, the paradox of passion can manifest itself at any moment in the development of a relationship and put an end to a barely born romance, and poison the life of a couple with experience. The reasons for the imbalance can be very different - both obvious and hidden: the unequal attractiveness of partners, situational factors, the performance of gender roles, personal incompatibility. We will discuss these options next. However, whatever the source of the problems, the driving forces behind the paradox of passion invariably make us pay the price of interfering with true intimacy.

Passion Trap Crisis

Of course, the paradox of passion is not a new phenomenon. Probably the best example was given by Leo Tolstoy in his great novel Anna Karenina, which I love very much. Lovers - Anna and the young Count Vronsky - reach amazing heights of passion partly because circumstances do not allow them to truly be together. But as soon as Anna becomes pregnant by Vronsky and leaves her husband, the count's passion wanes.

Anna begins to be consumed by a sense of insecurity, turning her love into an obsession with jealousy and leading to a tragic denouement.

This dynamics of the development of relations is universal. She has always been with us and is not going anywhere. But now, in the age of late marriages, people often get into romantic relationships, which means that they repeatedly fall into the trap of passion. I have clients who have been hurt by love more than once, leaving them emotionally isolated as eternally "strong" partners. I constantly meet businesswomen who put off marriage for the sake of a career, and when they turn thirty, begin to panic and take the position of "weak" in the marriage market. In men and women, I have seen an incredible skepticism about the possibility of building successful, lasting and satisfying relationships. And between the poles of the need for love and skepticism - hesitation and confusion. People don't understand why their caring or cold behavior evokes a certain reaction. They do not know how those and not other feelings for a partner arise, how love is born. Or, worse, they pathologize themselves and their relationships with the buzzwords of popular psychology books.

It's not just that relationship writers propagate misconceptions about relationship problems as psychiatric symptoms or symbols that worry me. In my experience of helping couples, I know that traditional methods can sometimes be dangerous when dealing with these kinds of difficulties. For example, a couple seeks help: one partner feels that they are being emotionally neglected and wants more intimacy, while the other, meanwhile, feels some kind of “emotional overload” and seeks to distance themselves in the relationship. The standard approach in psychotherapy is to advise clients to spend more time together and to show each other more courtesies. However, because of this, the “emotionally overloaded” (that is, “strong”) partner will feel even more pressure and indirect guilt (he, it turns out, must love more). Such psychotherapeutic advice often produces short-term positive results or even harms the situation.

At the same time, I am convinced that the correct work on such problems can significantly strengthen relations. My clients respond well to the idea that the passion paradox is the real culprit. I explain that in the resulting imbalance none of the partners can be blamed, but if you work together, you can find the source of the violation of harmony, and then apply the techniques I developed and correct the situation.

The paradox of passion. She loves him, but he doesn't love her Dean Delis, Cassandra Phillips

The authors of this book, long-term psychologist Dean Delis and journalist Cassandra Phillips, explain the problems disharmony in relationships creates and how to solve them. These recommendations will help to avoid the paradox of passion - a situation where one partner loves, and the other allows himself to be loved. Through this book, you will be able to check if there is a paradox of passion in your relationship, change erroneous behavior patterns and build long-term romantic relationships.

Review
When we have a lot of questions, when we have no words, at the moment when we want to lie down and not wake up, we definitely need to take this book in our hands, but it is heavy and difficult to read, but it is worth it! A lot of useful advice on how to get out of conflicts beautifully and correctly, how to set everything up peacefully and how to find compromises, the book is not a magic pill and after reading it you are unlikely to change everything right away, but this book will give everyone a chance to rediscover their relationships and change them for the better, to one where there will be no conflicts and scandals and where everything can be resolved simply by expressing your suspicions and concerns! Enjoy reading and happiness in your relationship!

Delice Dean & Phillips K

The paradox of passion - she loves him, but he does not love her

Dean C. Delis, C. Phillips

The paradox of passion: she loves him, but he does not love her

Translation: Kirill Saveliev, 1994

HERMIA I frown - he loves more and more.

Elena Such power - my smile would be!

Hermia I swear it - the flame is brighter in it!

HELENA Oh, if only I could soften him with prayers!

HERMIA The harder I am, the more tender he is with me!

Elena The more tender I am, the harder he is with me!

William Shakespeare

Where love rules, there is no desire to rule, and where power reigns, there is no love. Love is the shadow of power

Carl Gustav Jung

If you loved someone. You will definitely find yourself in this book.

The Passion Paradox is one of the best books I've read, whether special or popular, about relationships. Extremely insightful... practical and full of suggestions that people can use to improve their relationships... I recommend it to anyone interested in this field.

Robert J Sternberg. professor of psychology, author of the book "The Triangle of Love:

intimacy, passion and commitment"

I wanted to just flip through The Passion Paradox, and ended up reading each page and taking notes. The book captures the meaning of today's complicated relationships. Do not miss!

FOREWORD

A few years ago, on board a transcontinental liner, I met a woman. She was well dressed, attractive, obviously of an intelligent profession. I would give her no more than 37. As she sat down next to me, I noticed her confused, worried look of a person who "needs to speak out."

I flew to New York to give a lecture on a psychological test I had recently developed. I left some adjustments for the duration of the flight, so I was glad that the stranger did not seek to strike up a conversation. On the contrary, she pulled a popular paperback on relationship issues out of her travel bag, which intrigued me a little, since this topic was of particular interest to me.

During lunch we talked. Liz was a financial analyst and her job involved a lot of travel around the West Coast. I have always been interested in seeing how people react to my profession. Some refuse to talk, others become not entirely sincere, and still others sometimes open up, Liz belonged to the latter. In particular, she wanted to know if I was familiar with the work of the author whose book she was reading. I told her that I knew her and that I would like to hear her impressions. Then the conversation began, much more serious than I could have imagined.

Liz stated about the book:

I feel like this book was written especially for me. It's supernatural.

I asked her why. She picked up the book and said:

I am halfway to a real crisis in my relationships. I'm trapped between two men, my husband... and the man I work with on the Coast. All this makes me "climb the wall". My husband, Nate, is the most wonderful person in the world. He is a doctor. He does everything for me. After twelve years of marriage, he still brings roses for no reason and remembers events such as the anniversary of the day we met. I feel great guilt because even though I love him, he annoys me too often. And I feel even worse when he takes everything I give him and just gets nicer and nicer, especially lately, when I least deserve it.

I noticed her tension as she talked about her husband and marriage. But when she talked about her lover, her manner changed dramatically. Suddenly she became animated and interested in what she was talking about - at least at first.

I met Date about a year ago. He's our consultant on the West Coast. Doug is younger than me and, you would say, a very passionate person. At first, I was skeptical that he started courting me. I mean, I'm not the kind of person he could hit on. But he seemed very sincere. I realized that I was losing my head more and more, but I hoped that this would all end. In any case, this went on for about four months. I never cheated on Nate, so I thought Doug was just an easy fad. But after a couple of trips together, I realized that something more had happened. He was constantly in my thoughts, and I called him all the time from the office. A young, promising female analyst worked in our office. She was sent to the Coast, and I went crazy with jealousy, thinking that she might be attracted to Doug.

I assumed the obvious: it must have been an agonizing time in her life. She smiled ironically.

Well, my jealousy turned out to be groundless and Doug and I became very close, which scared me a lot. I felt terrible. One can only dream of such a husband as mine, and I do this to him. Because of this, I wanted to break up with Doug, but when I saw him, I forgot about everything. All I could think about was how much I love him. This went on for another seven months. Eventually, I began to think that maybe Doug and I were made for each other. I had no children, so I had nothing to tie to New York. It would be easy for me to transfer to our California branch. Also, Doug was starting to move away from me a bit, so I thought I had to act fast.

She fell silent. I saw the excitement in her eyes.

We talked a little more and then I asked Liz if this book was helping her.

I was able to see the reason why my relationship is so broken. Now I know it all comes down to my fear of intimacy. It was because of him that I kept my husband at a distance all these years. It also explains my unhealthy infatuation with Doug. In addition, perhaps my parents raised me in such a way that I was inclined to look for unnecessary partners, although I was quite happy as a child. This is all due to low self-esteem and the need for self-punishment. Maybe because my parents loved me too much, and I was not able to answer them the same ...

Seeking responsibility for all mistakes

Most people who seek the help of a psychotherapist do so because of relationship problems. I have long wondered how difficult it is to achieve harmony in love and how often we find only pain. And how difficult it is for people to realize that love, the most pleasant of human feelings, can bring the greatest suffering.

As I listened to Liz's revelations, I had a new understanding of purpose. Here is a bright and attractive woman who believes that her feelings have ruined her. On the one hand, she can be called "touchy", afraid of real intimacy with her husband, and on the other hand, with Doug she behaved like an "overly in love woman", carried away by a man who was indifferent to her. In other words, self-help benefits gave her exactly the opposite diagnosis. From her account of her childhood, I concluded that she grew up in an unusually fertile environment, receiving an abundance of attention from the family, unlike many other children who face the indifference of their parents and form only a bad idea of \u200b\u200bhuman relationships.

I definitely liked Liz. Love can really drive you crazy. It doesn't matter if the relationship is short or long term. Fear of rejection, for example, can lead to low self-esteem, hypervigilance, heightened response, and reckless passion for a loved one.

On the other hand, if your love starts to cool off, this can lead to sensual coldness, numbness, you may worry about not being able to love, or feel guilty.

I, too, experienced similar feelings, as Liz, as everyone who has been in love and with whom I have ever talked about it. Obviously, these strong feelings are quite normal.

In this situation, Liz experienced both forms of love at the same time. No wonder she was emotionally broken. I was amazed at how her demeanor changed depending on who she was talking about. Relationships are such a powerful driving force that under its influence we can change radically. The nature of the change depends on which form of love possesses you. That is, whether you are afraid of being rejected or feel that you yourself are rejecting your partner.

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