Why can't I feel a man's love? “You don’t love me” - what to do when your partner doesn’t feel love? He's already done it

Hello. I am 21 years old, my boyfriend is 27. We met by chance, through mutual friends. Together for about 1 year. When we first started communicating, it turned out that we could have met even earlier, because... he knows almost all of my classmates. During the time that we have been together, we have already had conversations about getting married, but he keeps insisting that we need to “get on our feet,” find a job with a good salary, housing. And I'm 21, I want a family.
But that's not even the point. At the beginning of our relationship, he was caring, kind, loving, and looked after me. Now a lot has changed. What worries me most is that I don’t feel his love for me, his care. Although he claims that he loves me. But that's not enough for me. I want to feel his love, words are not enough. I’m afraid to talk about this topic with him myself. He will say that he loves you.
How can I understand if he really loves me as much as I love him? How can I feel his love?

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Irina. You know, I believe that he really loves you, you just began to speak each other’s love languages ​​less often, which is why you have doubts.

Read Gary Champion's book "The Five Love Languages" (it's not long and is freely available on the Internet), start talking to him in his love language, and he will answer in yours.

Popeskul Alexander Alexandrovich, online psychologist

Irina, your fears are unfounded! On the contrary, try talking to your boyfriend about love. The conversation can be done in an easy and relaxed manner: invite him to play the game “Love”. The rules are as follows: each of you begins to talk about whether he experienced first love in childhood, at what age and in relation to whom. Also, let each of you tell us whether any of you tried to show it or, on the contrary, suppress your first love, as it manifested itself in each of you’s behavior. Then you can move on to each of you telling your current idea of ​​love at the moment for another person. Further questions can be thrown out one after another: is this love worth showing? How (words, specific actions) and in relation to whom? How can a girl know that you show love and by what actions? Gradually you move on to the key issue that worries you. Perhaps your young man may not even notice this: you can express your concerns, fears, experiences. related to your relationship with him. The essence of the game was to find out his current ideas about love and build trust in the final questions: what he thinks about your relationship and how he sees it developing. At the same time, you will have an excellent opportunity to assess the degree of his openness to you. But keep in mind that a young man may be one of those who is embarrassed to show a relationship with you because of his characteristics or his lack of readiness. Your task is to clarify the situation for yourself: whether he feels sympathy for you and how much he values ​​you. There are also males who do not throw around the words: I love you. They can say: I like you or I’m interested in you. But remember, forcing events and relationships is fraught with rapid separation. Meanwhile, you should not be afraid to ask or express something to a young man: sometimes it often happens that he does not even think that something in his behavior causes you fears. Therefore, it is very important to express your concerns when necessary, so that the person has an idea of ​​​​what he needs to change in himself. In any case, he will demonstrate his attitude towards you through his actions or inaction.

Samekin Adil Serikpaevich, psychologist in Pavlodar

Kuroedova Tatyana Nikolaevna

Psychologist Taraz Was online: 3 days ago

Answers on the site: Conducts trainings.

From a purely psychological point of view. We need to look at the reasons for the “closure” and learn to liberate ourselves, maybe yes. But firstly, there may be a bunch of other purely psychological moments, for example, a bad example of the relationship between father and mother - if there was cruelty or indifference between them, frequent quarrels. So physiological. Endogenous depression of the apathetic spectrum can be not only a consequence of a long absence of relationships, but also the cause of such absence. That is, depression can also be primary. Also, comorbid ADD/H can make a person less receptive to romantic love. Just based on the description of your personality, it may sound like ADD/H. Moreover, you are a creative person in the way you write. This is a bird of a feather. With depersonalization-derealization as a result of psychological trauma, there may also be coldness, but you seem to be not completely indifferent. And they would rather complain about the DR/DP syndrome itself, it is difficult to ignore. Perhaps a component of atypical depression and apathetic-melancholic depression is such insensitivity to love but participation in the problems of others. Here, a person empathizes well with the sorrows of others, but it is difficult to rejoice himself. IN ADDITION, HYPOTERIOSIS and, as a consequence, chronic fatigue syndrome can greatly dampen emotions. It can itself cause depression or intensify it if there is already soil. Nutrient deficiencies such as iron can reduce the level of dopamine (yes, iron directly in the central nervous system helps the formation of the dopamine molecule) and it is responsible, as everyone knows, for pleasure. In addition to it, you can also try taking acetylated tyrosine if you don’t have contraindications (n ​​- acetyl tyrosine) and you also need zinc and vitamin C and magnesium and chromium and calcium and b6, b9. DL phenylalanine to produce phenethylamine (PEA) and the same dopamine (DA), if there is little tyrosine. There MAY be something else wrong with the production of oxytocin. He is also responsible for affection (or rather, primarily). There may be mutations in the dop receptor genes or simply overstimulation of them by dopamine (drugs, sex, games, etc.). Maybe, of course, you are simply much more beautiful and smarter than the average person and few people “reach out” to you. Here, as they say, “it’s difficult for a girl from high society to avoid loneliness.” Maybe, on the contrary, you are exaggerating your demands too much, then you need to work with pride and understand how self-esteem is built over time. Boris Litvak has a book, “Seven Steps to Stable Self-Esteem,” where in a number of chapters the topic of why we become “disappointed” as we recognize a partner is well covered, and how this relates to social status and self-esteem. Phew I think that's enough for now. I often encounter this myself. Of course, it’s a shame not to have a pleasant relationship “like everyone else,” but remember that someone else’s lawn is greener and things can be “like hell” with these “everyone,” too. The external idyll is often deceptive. People often play for the audience. I would like to remember the classic “In order to live life with dignity, you need to know a lot. Remember these two rules, my friend, for starters: you’d better be hungry than eat anything and it’s better to be alone than with just anyone.” I recently went through a period of about 4 years without a relationship. I’m just tired of “falling out of love” the same way you constantly do. I just gave up on it and nothing is alive. Now I have become wiser. I DO NOT try to break ends right away if I don’t feel a storm of emotions. It was said by someone that in older age, it often happens that relationships flare up more slowly, but more stable. Maybe it will work out. I also try to understand my own imperfections and my imperfection. Our pickiness is usually asymmetrical. We can not see the log in our own eye and at the same time look for the ideal. Our partner’s disadvantages irritate us, but we take the advantages for granted. There is a parable about an old man who was looking for an ideal woman, but never married, because she was looking for an ideal man. Phew

Hello!
I have a small problem... It so happened that I have never experienced the feeling of true love.
To be honest, I have never had a serious love relationship. Yes, there were only meetings, walks, dates, but nothing more. I don't know what's happening to me. At the age of 18, I took the initiative: I was the first to write to a young man I liked on the Internet. We continued to communicate, every day I learned something new and interesting about him. Yes, he interested me, and I kept waiting for him to want to meet me in person. Finally, this moment has come. I saw him and realized that I liked him very much. We met like this for a month, it was just friendly meetings. At the same time, I felt that he was not indifferent. Just recently he gave me flowers, and for some reason I was very... not that scared, but surprised by such an act on his part. I realized that I was absolutely not ready for a serious relationship. Why? Maybe because I only feel sympathy for him? There can be no talk of any love. There is no light, spark, eclipse... None of this exists. I even blame myself for this, because the guy is good, kind. Moreover, I have never had a boyfriend...I'm afraid, what if I make some mistake? He himself admitted that he was very much in love with me, but I was not. As soon as I see some young man in the crowd, something strange happens in my soul, I want to please this stranger. I want to fall in love at first sight, but it doesn't happen...
I don't know what to do. Why can't I experience the feelings of falling in love? Is it worth continuing a relationship if you are not in love? What if I still can’t fall in love? Never?
Help me, please, with advice! I will be very grateful to you!

Hello. Anastasia. The absence of a feeling of falling in love is a defensive reaction to falling in love itself, from which you unconsciously expect a strong fear of being abandoned and unwanted. Therefore, being unconfident, you endow you and the young man with a feeling of criticism. And it seems to you that he he will soon figure you out, see your imperfections and leave you. Therefore, your avoidances are neurotic. You both want and are afraid. The way out is to accept yourself as more valuable and flawless. At the same time, give yourself the right to both mistakes and small ones shortcomings. They exist in every person. Then you will find the strength to take a risk and get closer to a young man, to imbue him with high feelings without fear of consequences. Openness is a sign of trust and self-sufficiency. Therefore, change and fall in love on the principle of reciprocity and gratitude, avoiding unrequited relationships .

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years. For a year everything was fine, but mostly the initiative came from me. I was the first to get in touch on the Internet. He immediately supported the conversation and offered to meet. He is a shy guy and has hardly dated girls. He was 25 years old, he had his only girlfriend when she was 22, he dated her for six months, according to him, he ran away on his own because... I was afraid that I would not be able to develop the relationship further. It so happened that I am an active person and took almost all the initiative upon myself. She called him more often and always supported him in everything. We walked for a long time, he introduced me to all his relatives and friends, everyone was happy for him. It was a little difficult for him to come to our house, but then he got used to it and came more often. We generally spent almost all our time at his house. His parents consider me one of their own, I will always help in everything, I always came with gifts for his younger brother. I studied, came for the weekend, and we spent them together. We were invited together to all my and his relatives. In the spring, I received assignment to a village 150 km from home, I was there for practice, he came, he liked everything, work could be found for him there, apartments were cheap, we even discussed it. He talked about raising money for the wedding. And then it got worse... His dream was a car, all the talk about it. He began to write less often and enjoy meetings less. He stopped talking about leaving with me. He said that everything would be resolved in the summer, but when I graduated, everything got even worse. Meetings became more rare and dry. His mother started talking about the wedding and then abruptly stopped talking about it, he is also silent. In his house, the relationship between his parents is bad, his father lies on the sofa, and his mother is on her own, often running to her friends and drinking, because of this, neither her husband nor her children respect her. His sister, 24 years old, is reserved and arrogant; during these 1.5 years of acquaintance with me she only says hello or conveys something to me through her brother. My boyfriend says that he, as the eldest, has never seen love in the family, which is why he is so withdrawn. But the first year of the relationship changed him a lot. If before that he did not recognize physical intimacy, then later he liked it, there were kisses and hugs, there was rare sex. I studied in the city - 50 km from our village, and often invited him to come to me for the weekend, to be alone in the apartment, to go somewhere. He came a couple of times after much persuasion, but with reluctance, the next day he rushed home in the morning, saying that he somehow felt uneasy. And since the summer, our relationship has become even drier. Kissing and hugging are generally rare, the desire to be alone is also rare, I almost stopped calling, became more irritable, stopped talking about the future. I also began to wait for his initiative, but there was almost none. I am offended by his inattention, but he remains silent or is offended that I reproach him. He doesn’t come for several days, and then he says that I could come myself, as happened before. When we meet, he won’t hug you, when you say goodbye, he’ll shake your hand and that’s it. He says that before I could kiss him myself. He doesn't say he misses him. No emotions, he says that’s how he is. I bought a car, and there was a sea of ​​emotions and a sea of ​​time devoted to it. I was very hot, now I’ve cooled down because of his coldness, I don’t show any initiative, and he practically doesn’t either. I want love, care, attention. His mother says his grandfather and father are like that. Grandma says that she has been unloved all her life. I told him that if he doesn’t need me, let’s break up, he blames me for everything. Sad and offensive. He took out insurance for his car in my name when I need it, he gives it to me, when I or my parents ask for help, he will always come and help, but he won’t figure it out himself. He has my photos on ICQ on the Internet. But I didn’t see the joy when I managed to get a job in our village, with such difficulty I terminated the contract concluded in another city... I didn’t see the joy, it was so insulting. And now he says I’m like this... Needed... But I don’t see or feel his love, all the meetings seem to be for show.

Hope, Kazakhstan, 21 years old / 09/14/16

Our experts' opinions

• Alena

  Nadya, I understood the story, but I didn’t understand the question. Apparently because everything is more than obvious. This guy won't work hard for you. He did not spend any effort to “conquer” you; you are an easy and therefore not particularly valuable “prey”. Not even prey, but, forgive the comparison, pasture. There was no sparkle in the eyes, there was no excitement, there was no interest or desire. You offered yourself, you took the initiative, you led the relationship yourself. And now I suddenly wanted to feel weak and desired. Why suddenly? It's just like in jokes about feminists. If in your couple the man has always been a lack of initiative plankton, if he was never particularly interested in all this, and he would not have developed the relationship at all if you had not shown any effort, then why suddenly now you demand that he become different? Either continue to love what you picked up, or finally admit that this “real estate” is not worth your “investment”, neither emotional, nor intellectual, nor otherwise. I broke the contract - what a stupid thing to do. For whose sake and what? You are 21 years old. Do you need to get married urgently? For what purpose? In life, playing at being a man in a relationship with someone to whom cars and comfort are so dear to you that even sex with you is not a motivation to change something? Stop ruining your life already, renew the contract and forget about the one to whom you didn’t give in for nothing.

• Sergey

  Nadezhda, I personally believe that every person, upon reaching adulthood, is free to ruin his life as he pleases. Therefore, if you really want to spend time trying to educate this comrade into something more or less digestible, then for God’s sake, have fun. After all, I even understand your interest. You are a young girl, passionate, and here is such a non-trivial problem. And it’s nice to feel like you’re in charge in a relationship with an older guy, dragging him along like a little one, teaching him. A kind of game with a big living doll. However, I don’t recommend getting too carried away. Judging by what you write, the young man is quite withdrawn, poorly socialized and very childish. You could spend your whole life redoing such a “frame” and still achieve nothing. And it must be somehow scary to have children with such a dad. Although, of course, to each his own. But is it worth wasting your life on something unknown? The world is big, and there are a huge number of normal people in it looking for their soul mate. It is quite possible that someone is looking for you while you indulge your maternal instinct with an overgrown teenager. Aren’t you ashamed that you are robbing him and yourself, shortening the time of your happiness together? No, I understand that you kind of feel responsible. I admit that feelings of guilt and pity weigh on the conscience. But life is not rubber. And sooner or later, you will definitely think about why you spent so much time playing with dolls. In my opinion, you should wish your friend all the best as quickly as possible and start studying, looking for a job and truly your man. But, of course, it's up to you to decide. Each of us is the creator of our own problems.