Tips for parents. Children's negativism

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Many parents are familiar with this picture: the child literally says everything and does the opposite. Moreover, it seems that he is acting out of spite on purpose. This can be encountered in the behavior of a preschooler, and even more so a teenager.

The kid is offered to go for a walk, but he cries, shouts that he wants to play at home. Can at the moment of irritation throw toys, objects at a person, anywhere. It can be capricious, rude, destroy something, or it can withdraw into itself. And often the reasons for this resistance are incomprehensible to others. This behavior is called negativism.

Why is the child protesting?

Negativism is a child's resistance to influences, deprived of reasonable grounds (Pedagogical Encyclopedic Dictionary).

So the child protests against the circumstances of life, against the attitude of different people towards him: relatives, peers, other adults. Objectively, these circumstances or relationships may not be unfavorable. The main thing is how the child or teenager perceives them.

Often the reasons for this behavior are not obvious to others, because the child himself carefully disguises them. For example, anxiety and fear: “I can’t do it, it’s better to refuse altogether” or “I will look ridiculous.” Sometimes children protest against some life circumstances. This may be the birth of a younger brother or sister, a divorce of parents, a forced relocation, a change of school, etc.

In fact, negativism is a reaction to some unmet need. For example, in understanding, approval, respect, independence. This is one of the ways to overcome a difficult situation, although not the most constructive.

They say about passive negativism when a child simply ignores our requests and demands. The active negativist tries to do the opposite of what is asked of him.

Parents often say that the child is stubborn. We can say that stubbornness is a weak form of negativism. And they are similar in behavior. But the reasons for such behavior are still different. The stubborn seeks self-affirmation. A negativist protests against an unfavorable situation for himself.

They also talk about such a trait as perseverance - this is the desire to achieve one's goal in spite of obstacles.

A child can show negativism in relations with one of his relatives or with the whole family, only in the family or almost everywhere he appears.

Can anything be done about it?

The most universal remedy is to take into account children's needs, desires, opportunities, and abilities.

Do not pass off your desires as the desires of a child or teenager. Try to understand his condition, mood.

More often, children's negativism is a transient phenomenon. But it can become fixed and become a stable personality trait - if adults behave too harshly and the child constantly experiences emotional stress.

How to help a negative person?

In almost all children, parents note protest reactions at certain periods. There are so-called crisis periods of childhood - one year, three years, six-seven years and 13-16 years. A child (or teenager) at these moments tries to move to a new stage of his development, to take one more step towards independence, to establish himself in his own eyes and in the eyes of those around him.

It is important to understand here: the child refuses to fulfill the request not because he does not want it. It is much more important for him to show independence, not to obey the will of an adult. By adopting flexible tactics, you will help your child not only avoid unnecessary conflict today, but also become more self-reliant and independent in his future adult life.

When raising a negativist, try to keep the following points in mind

• Rules should be clear to children.
• The child should have not only duties, but also rights.
• Communicate requests and reminders calmly but firmly. Irritation of an adult will only increase the negative reaction of the child to the ban.
• For any problems in the child's behavior, keeping a diary helps. Firstly, observation helps an adult, as it were, step back, look at the situation more objectively, and reduce emotional intensity. Secondly, to understand what exactly causes a protest in a child. It rarely happens that negativism lasts from morning until late at night.
• The child needs to have a choice. Give him this opportunity. For example: “Are you going to shower or take a bath today?”
• Don't punish your child just for saying the word "no". A child who does not have the right to object will not be able to defend his point of view in the future.
• It is worth paying attention to whether the word “no” sounds too often in communication with a child. Try to reduce the number of bans - perhaps some of them are unnecessary. Let the word “can” sound more often, denoting desirable forms of behavior. For example: “You can’t draw on wallpaper, but you can on paper.”
• Call on a sense of humor and play to help. In dealing with a stubborn baby, the opposite method can be effective: “Just don’t even think about going to bed at 8 o’clock today.” Or the game of boy-girl-“vice versa”: “Today you do everything the other way around when I ask you for something. Tomorrow I will be the other way around.” Some tricks will not work - come up with something else. The main thing is to experience as many positive emotions as possible from mutual communication.
• Encourage activity, search for something new, independence. You do not want your son or daughter to grow up passive, dependent on other people, unable to make a decision?

Be patient and don't expect immediate results. Just remember that this is a very important period in a child's life.

Just yesterday, your baby was so soft and obedient, but today he throws tantrums, is rude for any reason, and categorically refuses to fulfill his mother's requests. What happened to him? Most likely, the child entered the so-called crisis of three years. Agree, it sounds amazing. But how should adults react to such children's behavior and what should parents who are tired of whims do?

What you need to know about the crisis of three years?

In the psychological literature, the three-year age crisis is called a special, relatively short life period of a child, which is characterized by significant changes in his mental development. The crisis does not necessarily occur on the third birthday, the average age of occurrence is from 2.5 to 3.5 years.

"Don't want! I won't! No need! I'm on my own!"

• The period of stubbornness begins at about 1.5 years.
• As a rule, this phase ends by 3.5-4 years.
• The peak of stubbornness falls on 2.5-3 years.
• Boys are more stubborn than girls.
• Girls are naughty, more often than boys.
• During the crisis period, attacks of stubbornness and capriciousness occur in children 5 times a day. Some have up to 19 times.

The crisis is the restructuring of the child, his growing up.

The duration and severity of manifestations of emotional reactions largely depend on the temperament of the child, the family style of upbringing, and the characteristics of the relationship between mother and baby. Psychologists are sure that the more authoritarian relatives behave, the brighter and sharper the crisis manifests itself. By the way, it can intensify with the start of the visit.

If recently parents did not understand how to teach children to be independent, now there is too much of it. Phrases "I myself", "I want/I don't want" heard regularly.

The child is aware of himself as a separate person, with his own desires and needs. This is the most important new formation of this age crisis. Thus, for such a difficult period, not only conflicts with mother and father are characteristic, but also the emergence of a new quality - self-awareness.

And yet, despite the seeming adulthood, the baby does not understand how to get recognition and approval from their parents. Adults continue to treat the child as small and unintelligent, but for him he is already independent and big. And such injustice makes him rebel.

7 main signs of a crisis

In addition to the desire for independence, the crisis of three years has other characteristic symptoms that make it impossible to confuse it with bad behavior and childishness.

1. Negativism

Negativism forces the baby to oppose not only his mother's, but also his own desire. For example, parents offer to go to the zoo, but the baby categorically refuses, although he really wants to see the animals. The fact is that the proposals come from adults.

A distinction must be made between disobedience and negative reactions. Naughty children act in accordance with their desires, which often go against the wishes of their parents. By the way, negativism is often selective: the child does not fulfill the requests of an individual, most often the mother, and behaves with the rest as before.

Advice:

You should not speak with children in an orderly tone. If the child is negative towards you, give him the opportunity to calm down and move away from excessive emotions. Sometimes asking the other way around helps: "Don't get dressed, we're not going anywhere today".

2. Stubbornness

Stubbornness is often confused with perseverance. However, perseverance is a useful strong-willed quality that allows the little man to achieve the goal, despite the difficulties. For example, to complete the construction of a house of cubes, even if it is falling apart.

Stubbornness is distinguished by the desire of the baby to stand his ground to the end only because he already once demanded it. Let's say you called your son to dinner, but he refuses. You start to convince, and he replies: “I already said that I won’t eat, so I won’t”.

Advice:

Do not try to convince the baby, because you will deprive him of the chance to get out of a difficult situation with dignity. A possible way out is to say that you will leave the food on the table, and he can eat when he is hungry. This method is best used only during a crisis.

3. Despotism

Most often, this symptom occurs in families with an only baby. He tries to force his mother and father to do as he pleases. For example, a daughter demands that her mother be with her all the time. If there are several children in the family, then despotic reactions manifest themselves as jealousy: the baby screams, stomps, pushes, takes away toys from his brother or sister.

Advice:

Don't be manipulated. And at the same time, try to pay more attention to children. They must realize that parental attention can be attracted without scandals and tantrums. Involve the baby in household chores - cook dinner for dad together.

4. Symptom of depreciation

For a child, the value of old attachments disappears - to people, favorite dolls and cars, books, rules of conduct. Suddenly, he begins to break toys, tear books, call names or grimace in front of his grandmother, and say rude things. Moreover, the baby's vocabulary is constantly expanding, replenishing, among other things, with various bad and even indecent words.

Advice:

Try to distract the children with other toys. Instead of cars, take up the designer, instead of books, choose drawing. Often look at pictures on the topic: how to behave with other people. Just don’t read moralizing, it’s better to play the child’s reactions that disturb you in role-playing games.

5. Obstinacy

This unpleasant symptom of a crisis is impersonal. If negativity concerns a specific adult, then obstinacy is directed at the usual way of life, at all actions and objects that relatives offer the child. Often it is found in families in which there are disagreements on the issue of education between mom and dad, parents and. The kid simply ceases to fulfill any requirements.

Advice:

If the baby does not want to clean up the toys right now, take him to another activity - for example, draw. And after a few minutes, you will find that he himself will begin to put the cars in the basket, without your prompting.

6. Riot

A three-year-old child is trying to prove to adults that his desires are as valuable as their own. Because of this, he goes into conflict for any reason. It seems that the baby is in a state of undeclared "war" with others, protesting against their every decision: "I do not want and I will not!".

Advice:

Try to remain calm, friendly, listen to children's opinions. However, insist on your decision when it comes to the safety of the child: "You can not play with the ball on the roadway!".

7. Willfulness

Willfulness is manifested in the fact that children strive for independence, and regardless of the specific situation and their own capabilities. The child wants to independently buy any product in the store, pay at the checkout, cross the road without holding on to his grandmother's hand. It is not surprising that such desires do not cause much enthusiasm in adults.

Advice:

Let your child do what he wants to do. If he fulfills the desired, he will receive invaluable experience, if he fails, he will do it next time. Of course, this only applies to situations that are absolutely safe for children.

Video consultation: Crisis 3 Years, 8 manifestations of the crisis. What parents need to know

What should parents do?

First of all, adults need to understand that children's behavior is not a bad heredity or a harmful character. Your child is already big and wants to become independent. It's time to build a new relationship with him.

1. React calmly and calmly. It should be remembered that the baby, with his actions, tests the strength of the parental nerves and looks for weak points that can be put pressure on. Also, do not scream, break loose on children, and even more so physically punish - harsh methods can aggravate and prolong the course of the crisis ().
2. Set reasonable limits. No need to clog the life of a small person with all sorts of prohibitions. However, you should not go to the other extreme, otherwise, because of permissiveness, you risk raising a tyrant. Find a “golden mean” - reasonable boundaries that you absolutely cannot cross. For example, it is forbidden to play on the road, walk in cold weather without a hat, skip daytime sleep.
3. Encourage independence. Everything that does not pose a danger to children's life, the child can try to do, even if several mugs break in the process of learning (). Baby wants to draw on the wallpaper? Attach a piece of paper to the wall and give a few felt-tip pens. Shows genuine interest in the washing machine? A small bowl of warm water and doll clothes will distract you from tricks and whims for a long time.
4. Give the right to choose. Parental wisdom suggests giving even a three-year-old baby the opportunity to choose from at least two options. For example, do not force outerwear on him, but offer to go outside in a green or red jacket :). Of course, you still make serious decisions, but you can give in to unprincipled things.

How to deal with whims and tantrums?

In most cases, the bad behavior of three-year-olds - whims and hysterical reactions - is aimed at attracting parental attention and getting the desired thing. How should a mother behave during the crisis of three years in order to avoid constant tantrums?

1. During an affective outburst, it is useless to explain something to a baby. It is worth waiting until he calms down. If the tantrum caught in a public place, try to take it away from the "public" and divert children's attention. Remember what kind of cat you saw in the yard, how many sparrows were sitting on a branch in front of the house.
2. Try to smooth out outbursts of anger with the help of the game. The daughter does not want to eat - seat the doll next to her, let the girl feed her. However, soon the toy will get tired of eating alone, so one spoon for the doll, and the second for the baby (watch the video at the end of the article).
3. To prevent whims and tantrums during a crisis, learn to negotiate with children even before starting any action. For example, before going shopping, agree on the impossibility of buying an expensive toy. Try to explain why you can't buy this machine. And be sure to ask what the baby would like to receive in return, offer your own version of entertainment.

To minimize the manifestation of tantrums and whims, necessary:

• remain calm without showing irritation;
• provide the child with attention and care;
• invite the child to choose a way to solve the problem ( "what would you do in my place?");
• find out the reason for such behavior;
• postpone the conversation until the end of the scandal.

Some parents, after reading our article, will say that they have not observed such negative manifestations in their three-year-old children. Indeed, sometimes the crisis of three years proceeds without obvious symptoms. However, the main thing in this period is not how it passes, but what it can lead to. A sure sign of the normal development of a child's personality at this age stage is the emergence of such psychological qualities as perseverance, will and self-confidence.

Thus, the crisis of the age of three is an absolutely normal phenomenon for a growing child, which will help him become an independent person. And one more important point - the more trusting and softer the relationship between the baby and the mother, the easier it will go through this stage. Irritation, categoricalness and screams of adults will only aggravate the negative behavior of the child.

How we survived the crisis

Games to overcome the crisis 3 years

Psychology lessons for moms

Reading 9 min.

A child at the age of 3 years is a serious test for his parents. He has already noticeably grown up, began to speak and actively express his aspirations. At some point, the child's behavior begins to change, from an obedient baby he turns into an unbearable boy who may refuse to go for a walk with his mother, pretend to be asleep, and suddenly begin to call names. In psychology, this age is called the "crisis of 3 years of age." The main thing is to remain calm and not panic, these are all temporary difficulties that all parents face, on whose shoulders the upbringing of a child has fallen.

Antics at 3 years old - one of the ways to express protest

The baby begins to realize that he is a person who has his own desires and unique features.

It is for this reason that one can often hear from parents that education during this period turns into a struggle with stubbornness and negativism, this is partly true.

little stubborn

Negativism is a characteristic feature of the crisis of 3 years of age. This attitude is expressed towards the requests of an adult and his personal person. Often this attitude of the child is manifested only to one member of the family, while he obeys the others. This feature also appears in order for a 3-year-old child to be able to force his parents to fulfill his requirements, showing his power with the help of aggression.

Crisis of 3 years - symptoms

Raising a baby in different families proceeds differently. Some parents also begin to react extremely negatively to the antics of their grown-up child, trying to show the little manipulator his place. They use pressure and physical force. In other families, obedience to the child is accepted, they fulfill any requirement, so long as he does not bother his parents over trifles. It is important to find a middle ground here in order to direct education in the right direction.

Tantrum at 3 years old - a way to express your opinion

Here are some helpful tips for parents raising a 3-year-old child:

• It is important to be patient, to assess each situation as soberly as possible. You need to understand the feeling of the baby, skillfully using his whims against him. For example, if a child refuses to clean up toys, cleverly scattering them on the floor, then you can ask him to never pick them up again.
• All prohibitions, strict requirements, whims have low efficiency, so you need to switch the child's attention to an activity that is more exciting and interesting for him.
• You should not react too violently to the boy's tantrums. You should not indulge any desire of the child, after which a series of tantrums follows. Otherwise, in a child of 3 years old, the habit of starting a tantrum for any reason may be fixed in the mind. You can easily divert the attention of a hysterical boy to an interesting little thing or toy.
• The upbringing of a 3-year-old baby should be completely the same, the father does not need to allow the child what the mother forbade, and, on the contrary, it is especially necessary to clearly explain these rules to the kindest grandparents.
• You need to educate a boy and a girl in an atmosphere of love, sincerely praise for good deeds. And if the child suddenly stumbled and did the wrong thing, you need to explain why you should not do this.

Manifestations of protest in 3 years

Real "male" education

It should be very important for a boy to realize that he is a man. He must understand that he is strong, brave and kind, just like dad. At the age of 3, a boy begins to actively imitate his father, he should feel comfortable next to his dad. Mom should understand this feature of the boy, giving men the opportunity to be together more often. They need to be given more free space because they are more active. It is important not to lower the boy's self-esteem, you should not use negative epithets: "coward", "weakling".

On the street you need to spend more time playing active games. For a 3-year-old boy, more independence should be given under vigilant parental control.

Obstinacy and self-will are more often shown by boys

A mother can teach a child to open the door, help carry a bag of groceries from the store, perform simple tasks, the baby will be happy with these innovations. It's nice to be helpful and needed.

A little advice for mom: in order to bring up the qualities inherent in a man in a boy, you sometimes need to pretend to be weak and helpless so that the child manifests himself.

Little princesses

A girl, unlike a boy, develops more intensively, her feelings and emotions become more acute. It is easier to contact girls, only here you need to take into account their cunning. Her mother acts as an ideal and an example for a girl, together they find many topics for conversation - a discussion of doll outfits, recipes for delicious pastries, care for indoor flowers. The role of the father in the upbringing of his daughter is to positively influence her communication with the opposite sex. It is necessary to constantly monitor the aspirations and capabilities of the daughter, to promote her maximum development.

Stubbornness - how it manifests itself

offended beauty

Parental education is a significant contribution to the development of their child, the character and attitude to the world around them depends on this contribution.

And if you do not start seriously raising a child from the age of 3 and after this period, otherwise there is always a chance to spoil your child completely. In any case, children should be brought up in a full-fledged family where love and harmony reign. The daughter should prepare for the future role of the mother, and see her loved one in the role of the father, and if there is no man in the family, then such a situation can be inherited. Spousal rejection and divorce are problems rooted in early childhood. You need to pick up your unique key for the girl, which will help open her heart to her parents, because trust in the family is the main thing.

Negativism is the main manifestation of the crisis of 3 years

Raising children after the age of three

After reaching the three-year age limit, tantrums can also continue, sometimes they are very similar to seizures. The fact is that after reaching the age of 3, the child continues to be mentally and physically dependent on the mother, which is why he does not let his mother go a single step, emotionally experiencing even a short-term separation. It is during this period that the boy actively absorbs information, it accumulates. Time moves inexorably forward, and the former little boy is no longer recognizable.

After 3 years, the child begins to actively explore the space, reaps the results of his activities, rejoices in the fact that he is able to influence this world around him.

For example, if you kick the ball hard, then it will roll further, if you cry for a long time, then they will definitely give you what you want.

Role-playing games at 3 years old - a favorite pastime

After the age of 3, a child begins to actively copy adults, trying on various roles. Role playing becomes his main activity. He also shows an increased interest in peers, begins to actively interact with them, play various games. His self-confidence is gradually growing, he begins to understand that he can do it, he knows that he is as big as mom and dad. He begins to feel like a separate person who does not understand, does not want to understand why he is constantly pulled up, many things are forbidden, everything is decided for him.

In simple words, the crisis of this age is manifested in the contradiction between the children's "I want" and "I can."

The desires of a 3-year-old baby do not always coincide with real possibilities, and on the other hand, he comes across guardianship from adults. In psychology, there are 7 signs of a crisis of 3 years of age: self-will, stubbornness, negativism, the appearance of obstinacy, rebelliousness, depreciation syndrome, pronounced despotism. How should parents behave in such a difficult situation so that their actions do not aggravate the situation?

Advice to parents - do not punish the baby

1. A child at this age tends to do everything on his own, although he has practically no skills for this. In this case, it is important for parents to allow the baby to do everything himself, even if they clearly understand that it will be difficult for him to do this. Personal experience is the best teacher. You need to be patient, watching his actions, you need to give him more time to complete this task than an adult spends on it. Do not forget to praise the baby when he succeeds, what a fine fellow he is, that you are proud that he has already grown up.
2. There are times when the child becomes stubborn, insisting on his request. He does this not because he wanted it so much, but because he made such a decision. The best solution in this case is to offer an alternative in return, without insisting, wait a few minutes, let the little stubborn man make his own decision.
3. Sometimes the baby acts contrary not only to the parental desire, but also to his own desire, because this is not his personal decision, but his parents ask him about it. Therefore, instead of the order: “Let's go for a walk!”, You can simply ask the baby about his personal desire: “Little, are we going for a walk today?”. Here you can apply a little trick by asking the baby a question, any answer to which will suit you completely. For example: “Will we go for a walk today in the alley or in the park?”
4. A riot on a ship is a kind of protest reaction to parental pressure, the stormy children's energy still comes out in the form of strong tantrums and outbursts of anger. Of course, this is a kind of relaxation, but along with it, the baby receives severe stress, which lowers the immune properties of the child's body. Therefore, when the baby went into hysterics, it is better to wait it out calmly, and then explain how to behave correctly in this situation, do not try to do this when the baby is hysterical, it is useless, these are the features of the fragile human psyche.

Age after two years often becomes the age of inexplicable stubbornness and negativism. This is a very important period in the development of the baby.

During the period, the baby is aware of himself and strives for independence. He discovers for the first time that he is the same person as others, for example, like his parents. One of the manifestations of this discovery is the appearance in his speech of the pronoun "I". Prior to this, the child speaks of himself only in the third person or calls himself by name.

The new self-awareness is manifested in the desire to imitate adults, imitate their behavior and try in various ways to assert their equality with them.

The child begins to form a will, which is called "autonomy" or independence. Children do not want to experience excessive control from adults and tend to make their own choice in many, even minor situations.

If the parents noticed this moment and realized that it was time to rebuild and change their previous attitude towards the child, the crisis of three years can go quite smoothly and painlessly. In the case when there were warm, friendly relations between parents and the child before, and a benevolent atmosphere reigned in the family, parents will even be surprised if someone tells them that their child is at a difficult stage of development. But if the parents have not realized that the old methods of communicating with the child are no longer relevant at the new age stage, then the child can turn into a completely uncontrollable little tyrant.

The child begins to realize himself as a separate person, with his own desires and characteristics. At this age, the child has new favorite words and expressions “I AM”, “DO NOT WANT” and “NO”.

The kid often acts the other way around: you call him, and he runs away; ask to be careful, and he deliberately scatters things. The child screams, may stomp his feet, swing at you with an angry, angry face. Thus, the baby shows his activity, independence, perseverance in achieving the desired. But the skill for this is still not enough. He begins to dislike something, and the child expresses his displeasure very emotionally.

The crisis can begin as early as 2.5 years, and end in 3.5 - 4 years.

Parents are horrified: something terrible has begun to happen to the child! Frequent tantrums, sometimes on the verge of seizures: try not to buy a toy, falls to the floor and screams like a cut! Incredible stubbornness, disobedience… “Get off! This is my chair, I sat on it!” - shouts to dad, and in the eyes of genuine anger. What happened to the baby? “We missed the moment, and we have some kind of monster growing!” - parents state in alarm. "Dismissed utterly!" - Grandparents grumble.

“Nothing of the kind, everything is in perfect order!” say child psychologists. It's just that a child has a crisis of three years, which is necessary for him to grow up like air. It is in the third year of life that the baby for the first time persistently informs us: “I myself! I'm already an adult!

The crisis of three years must take place in the life of every child. If not, then something is wrong with the baby. Crisis is good! Yes, parents are in for a difficult period, but it defines a new, very important stage in the development of the child.

There are several such crises in a child's life, and each of them can become a creative and progressive stage of growth. It is at the age of three that it is important to support the baby's desire for self-affirmation and adulthood! If your baby is two years old: expect a crisis! It will grow gradually, reach a stormy peak - with those very tantrums and conflicts, and then come to naught, becoming a great school of life for the baby.

Seven signs of a three-year crisis.

It is important to distinguish normal growth problems from being spoiled or from the baby's whims associated with a lack of mother's love and warmth.

1. Negativism. The child gives a negative reaction "no!" not so much on the action that he is asked to perform, but on the demand or request of a certain adult. He doesn't do something just because a certain adult suggested it to him. In this case, the child ignores the demands of one family member or one teacher, but can obey others.

At first glance, it seems that a naughty child of any age behaves this way. But with ordinary disobedience, he does not do something because he does not want to do exactly this, for example, go to bed on time. If he is offered another occupation, interesting and pleasant for him, he will immediately agree.

Negativism is an act of a social nature: it is most of all addressed to specific people. With a sharp manifestation of negativism by a child, communication with an adult can take on an extreme form, when the child replies in defiance to any statement of an adult: “Eat soup!” - “I won’t!”, “Let’s go for a walk” - “I won’t go”, “Hot milk” - “No, not hot” and so on.

At the age of three, the child for the first time becomes able to act contrary to his immediate desire. The child's behavior is determined not by this desire, but by relationships with an adult. The motive of behavior is already outside the concrete situation. Remember: negativism is not a pathology or a sophisticated desire of a child to annoy an adult.

Of course, negativism is a crisis phenomenon that should disappear with time. But the fact that at the age of 3 a child gets the opportunity to act not under the influence of any random desire, but on the basis of other, more complex and stable motives, is an important achievement in his development.

When a child is told “yes” and he repeats “no”, the baby makes it clear that he has the right to his own views and wants to be considered. The child is fighting for his autonomy, the struggle for his right to choose, which is an absolutely necessary condition for personal development. Faced with the categorical rejection of such behavior on the part of the parents, the baby finds himself in conditions unfavorable for gaining experience that is vital for the formation of his personality.

If at this stage of life the "no" of the little man is completely ignored by adults, then the boy or girl may not learn the best life lesson for himself. The meaning of this lesson boils down to something like this: if you want to be good, you must always agree with external opinion, especially authoritative opinion. Having made such a decision in early childhood, many boys and girls who please their parents and teachers with obedience cannot always say “no” when older comrades invite them to take part in unseemly acts.

An adult who causes flashes of negativism in a child should analyze the nature of the relationship with the baby. Perhaps he is too demanding of the child, too strict with him or inconsistent in his actions. Sometimes an adult, unwittingly, can provoke outbreaks of negativism. This happens when an authoritarian model of interaction with a child is used.

Negativism can disappear very quickly if adults do not indulge in lengthy disputes with the baby, do not try to “eradicate sedition” in the bud and insist on their own. At the same time, negativism can be turned into a game that teaches the baby to express his desires and intentions differently. You can, for example, play the game "I don't want to." Moreover, the mother could play the role of a naughty child. And then the child himself will have to find the right solution for the “capricious little mother”, thereby suggesting how best to behave.

This example clearly shows that the correct position of the parents is certainly important. But the techniques by which they can “honorably” get out of a difficult situation in their relationship with the child are also important.

2. Stubbornness. The kid insists on something only because he himself suggested it.

Buy a ball!

Mom buys, but after a minute the balloon is no longer needed.

Buy a car!

Do you really need her?

A minute later, interest in the machine was gone, and she was lying around without wheels. The explanation is simple: in fact, the child is not interested in both the ball and the machine, but it is important for him to insist on his own. If mom doesn't buy - hysterical! But stubbornness must be distinguished from perseverance: at other times, the car is of real research interest, and your baby will play with it for a long time.

Stubbornness is the reaction of a child who insists on something not because he really wants it, but because he himself told adults about it. He demands that his opinion be taken into account. His initial decision determines all his behavior, and the child cannot refuse this decision even under changed circumstances.

Stubbornness is not the persistence with which a child achieves what he wants. Stubbornness differs from persistence in that a stubborn child continues to insist on his decision, although he no longer wants it so much, or does not want it at all, or has long lost his desire.

Domestic psychologists give the following example of stubbornness: “Grandma asks three-year-old Vova to eat a sandwich. Vova, who is playing with the constructor at this time, refuses. Grandmother asks him again and again, begins to persuade. Vova does not agree. Grandmother comes up to him after forty minutes and again offers to eat a sandwich. Vova, who is already hungry and is not averse to eating the proposed sandwich, rudely replies: “I said - I won’t eat your sandwich! I won't do it for anything!" The grandmother, upset and offended, begins to scold the boy: “You can’t talk to your grandmother like that. Grandma is twenty times older than you. I know better than you what you need to eat.

Vova lowers his head down, his nostrils flare noisily, his lips are tightly compressed. Grandmother, seeing her grandson's lowered head, thinks that she "won", and complacently asks: "Well, Vova, will you eat a sandwich?" Vova, instead of answering, throws the details of the designer on the floor, tramples them with his feet and shouts: “I won’t, I won’t, I won’t eat your sandwich!” He cries because he wants to eat for a long time, but does not know how to adequately get out of this situation and give up his word.

Adults who are next to the child at such a moment should teach the baby what to do in this case, and not drive him into a corner with their demands. Of course, the grandmother can "win the battle" by making the child do what she demands. But it is better for an adult not to take the position of "who wins." This will only lead to increased tension and possibly hysteria in the child. In addition, the child can learn the adult's non-constructive behavior, and he will act in a similar way in the future.

How to deal with a stubborn child?

• Be sensitive. Intervene less in the actions of the child, do not rush him. Sometimes it is more convenient for a mother to do something for the child, for example, to dress, feed, clean, etc., but do not rush. Let him dress and undress to his heart's content, clean up spilled toys, and comb his hair in front of a mirror. Be patient. This period in a relationship with a child is not only his growing pains, but also an exam for adults.

• Be more flexible and resourceful. For example, a child refuses to eat, although you know for sure that he should already be rather hungry. Don't beg him. And, for example, set the table and put a toy next to it. Pretend that she came to dinner and asks the baby, as an adult, to try if the soup is too hot and feed her. The result is amazing: many children, carried away by the game, sit next to the toy and somehow imperceptibly eat the contents of the plate with it.

Or another example: “I will not wear mittens (take off my pajamas, wash my hands, etc.!” A parent can say in a calm voice: “Yes, of course, I DO NOT ALLOW you to wear mittens for a walk (take off your pajamas before dinner, wash your hands with soap and wipe them with a towel)". The child usually immediately begins to put on mittens, take off pajamas, etc. These are the "little tricks" that allow you not to bring communication to a conflict!

• Three-year-old children expect close people to recognize their independence and self-reliance. Therefore, expand the rights and responsibilities of the baby. Allow him to exercise his independence within reasonable limits.

The child wants to help his mother put things in order - great! Give him a rag, a broom or a vacuum cleaner in his hands and do not forget about praise. If parents during this period begin to give the baby more freedom, then by doing this they support his new idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhimself and teach him to distinguish between those areas of life in which he can really behave almost like an adult, and those in which he still remains a small child, in need of help and guidance.

3. obstinacy. The kid suddenly rebels against the usual things that he used to do without problems. She categorically refuses to wash, eat, dress. For example, a child already knows how to eat with a spoon, but he may flatly refuse to eat on his own.

Unlike negativism, obstinacy is not directed at a person, but against the former way of life, against the rules that were in the life of a child up to three years old. Obstinacy is expressed in a kind of childish discontent, causing a reaction with which the child responds to everything that is offered to him and what is being done. Authoritarian upbringing in the family, when parents often use orders and prohibitions, contributes to a vivid manifestation of obstinacy.

From the usual insufficient compliance of the child, obstinacy differs in tendentiousness. The child is rebellious, his dissatisfied, defiant behavior is tendentious in the sense that it is really imbued with a hidden rebellion against what the child has dealt with before.

Very often, parents of three-year-old children complain that the child suddenly begins to show his independence. He shouts that he will tie his shoelaces himself, pour soup into a bowl himself, and cross the road himself. Moreover, often he does not know how to do this, but, nevertheless, requires complete independence.

Parents, depending on the situation, on the individual characteristics of the child, on family traditions, can solve the problem in different ways: to distract the child, to persuade him, to allow him to act independently. But if this action is dangerous for the life and health of the baby, adults must definitely prohibit the child from doing this (for example, crossing the road, turning on the gas).

4. willfulness. Now the same, painfully familiar, “I myself!” always comes to the fore. He strives to do everything he can and cannot do. Much has not yet worked out, he understands that he needs to turn to an adult for help, but pride does not allow, because he himself is already an adult! The poor little man is torn apart by an internal contradiction: I myself can’t, and I can’t ask adults. Conflict, grief, hysteria, roar ...

5. protest, riot. The kid goes into conflict with everyone, and it seems to his parents that he is maliciously mocking them. Throws a toy:

Pick up, I can't! - commands mom.

No, just pick it up.

I can't! You lift! - and hysteria.

6. Depreciation. Defiantly breaks toys, turns out a cosmetic bag and draws on the walls with her mother's best lipstick. It can call names, screw into speech rude and even obscene words heard somewhere. Psychologists explain: by doing so, he reminds: "I'm in charge here!".

What is devalued in the eyes of a child? What used to be familiar is interesting and expensive. A three-year-old child can discard or even break an adored toy (favorite things in the past are depreciated). Such phenomena indicate that the child's attitude to other people and to himself is changing. He is psychologically separated from close adults.

7. Despotism and jealousy.

I said that dad would sit in this chair, not in the chair!

Try dad to move - hysteria! If there are other children in the family, the little despot will spitefully throw away their toys, push the "rival" off his mother's knees.

In a family with an only child, the despotism of a son or daughter can often manifest itself. In this case, the kid, by all means, wants to make sure that any of his desires is fulfilled, he wants to become "master of the situation." The means that he will use in this case can be very diverse, depending on the "weak spot" in the behavior of the parents.

If there are several children in the family, the same symptom can be called jealousy. The child is forced to share power over others with a brother or sister. This situation does not suit him, and he fights for power with all his might. Jealousy can manifest itself openly: children often fight, quarrel, try to subdue an opponent, show that one of them is better, “more important”.

To prevent this from happening, parents should be more sensitive to the needs of each child in the family. Sometimes it is better to postpone some household chores, but be sure to give at least a few minutes of undivided attention to each of the children, no matter what age they are during the day. Any child needs to have mom or dad for, even the shortest, time “belong” only to him alone, when you don’t have to share parental love with anyone.

These are the main symptoms of the crisis of three years. It is not difficult to see, having examined these symptoms, that the crisis manifests itself mainly in such features that make it possible to recognize in it a kind of rebellion against authoritarian upbringing, this is, as it were, a protest of the child in the logic “No!”. This is a protest of a small person who demands independence, who has outgrown those norms of interaction and forms of guardianship that developed at an early age.

All symptoms are around the axis "I" of the child and the people around him. These symptoms indicate that the child's attitude to the people around him or to his own personality is changing. In general, the symptoms, taken together, give the impression of an emancipation of the child: before, adults "led him by the hand", but now he has a tendency to "walk on his own." Personal action and consciousness “I AM”, “I WANT”, “I CAN”, “I DO” appear (it is during this period that many children begin to use the pronoun “I” in speech).

The crisis of three years (as, indeed, any other crisis) will be acute only if adults do not notice or do not want to notice the changes taking place in the child, if the parents, by all means, strive to preserve the former nature of the relationship in a family that the child has already outgrown. In this case, adults try to restrain the activity and independence of their child. The result can only be a growing mutual misunderstanding, frequent conflicts.

The crisis of the third year of life is the period when the child first begins to realize: he has grown up and is already something, he can influence other people and circumstances, decide for himself what to do, what he wants and does not want. He feels like a big person and requires appropriate attitude and respect! And we, parents, still dictate and command - what to wear, when to eat and sleep, how to play and what to do. That's why rebellion is born: I decide everything myself! Moreover, the conquest of the right to self-determination takes place not only in the struggle with adults, but also with oneself.

It is infinitely difficult for parents to withstand stubbornness, screams, tantrums. But remember: your baby himself is much harder in these contradictions of his! He does not realize what is happening to him, and is not in control of his emotions, the storm overtakes him from the inside. This is how the formation of the psyche occurs in agony.

The peak of the crisis - tantrums. Moreover, if up to two years they also sometimes happened, but were associated with overwork, which means that it was necessary to calm and help, now hysteria has become a tool of manipulation. The child seems to be testing his parents (not on purpose, of course!), whether this method will help to achieve his desire or not. By the way, tantrums require spectators - that's why the kid loves to make a scene in a store, on a playground or right in the middle of a city street.

By the way, the crisis of three years is similar to the teenage crisis. And on how wisely the parents behave, it will largely depend on what the teenage period will be like - a severe catastrophe with bad companies and mother's tears or a successful, albeit difficult, attainment of adulthood.

How to behave so that everyone is a winner?

• Change the tactics and strategy of communication with the child: it's time to recognize that he is an adult (well, almost), respect his opinion and desire for independence. It is not necessary to do for the child what he can do himself, let him try as much as possible - everything that is not life-threatening: washing the floor, setting the table, washing. Well, he will carry water, break a couple of plates - not a great loss ... But how much he will learn and how he will be able to assert himself!

• Constantly offer choice (or the illusion of choice). Let's say mom knows - it's time for a walk, and suggests: "Kostya, shall we go for a walk on foot on the stairs or on the elevator?" (Options: In a black jacket or green? Will you eat borscht or porridge? From a plate with a flower or with a typewriter? With a spoon or a fork?).

• Do not force, but ask for help: "Seryozha, take me by the hand across the road, otherwise I'm scared." And now the son tightly clings to his mother by the hand - the situation is under control and without conflict.

• It is necessary to expect that a child needs more time for everything than an adult, because he still has a different type of nervous system and rhythm of life. Let's say that a mother needs a few minutes to dress herself and dress the child, but now he dresses himself, which means that the process must begin half an hour earlier.

All this will help prevent tantrums. And yet they inevitably happen, and very often in public. What to do then?

• To the ultimatum demand of the child, we say a firm and tough “No!”. And we turn away. The main thing is to maintain external calmness and impassivity - no matter how hard it may be. The kid screams, falls to the floor, knocks with his feet, passers-by look accusingly ... We'll have to be patient. You follow the lead, and hysteria will become a child's habitual tool for manipulating parents.

• If the little shrew defiantly fell into a puddle or onto the roadway, we take it in an armful, transfer it to a safe place and put it as we took it - let it scream there. Alas, exhortations at such a moment may not help, you just have to wait until the storm has passed.

• Creating pleasant perspectives - sometimes this also helps to calm. For example, mom says: “Kolya, you screamed because you really wanted to watch a cartoon. But now we're going to buy bread. On the way we will buy felt-tip pens, we will draw.

• Finally the baby calmed down. At the same time I realized that the method does not work. Do not criticize him: "Why are you yelling, I'm ashamed, people are looking at you ...". It’s better to say bitterly: “I’m very unpleasant that such a cry turned out ...” or “I’m so angry at what happened that I just want to scream myself!”. Such phrases teach the child to express their emotions. Later, he will also say something like this: “I’m sorry that you didn’t notice my efforts!”. And it’s easier for yourself when you speak out your feelings, and it’s clear to others what the causes of the outbreak are.

Typical mistakes of parents during the crisis of three years of their child is their lack of a firm position, a clear definition of what and how to demand from the child, how exactly to take into account the characteristics of this age stage. Often different family members cannot agree with each other on the principles of upbringing, which creates additional difficulties. An approach that requires the child to obey his parents completely and breaks his will is also mistaken. The consequence of typical parental mistakes is the formation of a "vicious circle": mistakes "spur" the child's negative emotions, and their increase leads to an increase in parents' confusion, self-doubt, and emotional breakdowns.

The correct actions of parents imply an understanding of the behavior of the child, the meaning of his actions. They rely on a clear position that determines when, how and what to insist on, what to put up with in the child's behavior, what educational techniques are useful to use.

In order to successfully pass the crisis of three years, we must remember the principles: firmness in intentions, but flexibility in actions. It is important to take into account the individual characteristics of the baby. It is useful to have in stock various pedagogical techniques that allow parents to help their child successfully overcome the crisis and ascend to a new age stage of personality development.

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