Domestic violence in the family is the first sign of alarm and danger in the situation itself. – What kind of help can crisis centers offer? Consequences of domestic violence against a woman

Many people mistakenly believe that domestic violence is the province of dysfunctional families. Unfortunately, it can affect anyone. Most often it is the woman who suffers. Due to her gentleness, she can endure the bullying of the aggressor for a very long time, but everything comes to a limit. What to do in such a situation? Is it possible to rehabilitate a tyrant? How to protect children from attacks?

What is commonly called domestic violence?

Domestic violence is not only the use of physical force within the family. This phenomenon can be psychological, sexual, and even economic in nature. Let's look at each case separately:

Attention! According to the Ministry of Internal Affairs, domestic violence occurs in every fourth Russian family (as of 2008).

Causes

The tendency to violence in most cases is formed in childhood. A tyrant is a special neurotic psychotype of personality. A neurotic person is characterized by emotional instability, deep self-doubt, and fear, which over time develop into stable negativity towards others. Another characteristic feature of this psychotype is the desire to dominate people. The neurotic is ready to make every effort for this. But why does a person become like this? There are several reasons:

The first signs of a tyrant in the family

It is almost impossible to immediately recognize a person prone to domestic violence. Such people often show their negative traits exclusively at home. From the outside they look flawless. A family tyrant most often carefully monitors his appearance and reputation. The only exception is persons with mental illness (including those arising from alcoholism).

A characteristic feature of a tyrant is a gradual increase in control. At first, the pressure exerted on the victim is quite gentle. After a conflict, the tyrant is always affectionate and gentle, trying in every possible way to make amends. However, gradually the tendency towards domestic violence emerges more and more strongly. There is more and more negativity towards the victim, the tense stages of the relationship are longer and longer, and reconciliation is shorter. The purpose of such behavior is to quietly lower the victim’s self-esteem, to achieve unconditional submission, in other words, to intimidate.

But can a tyrant really disguise himself so well? Fortunately, no. An attentive woman will always pay attention to the “first signs”:

What to do?

Domestic violence in the family has two ways to solve it – breaking up the relationship or serious work with a psychologist in order to save the family. Which option to choose, each couple decides for themselves. However, it is worth noting that if there is a fact of sexual abuse of children, as well as inflicting serious beatings, the tyrant bears criminal liability. There can be no talk of preserving a family with such a person. But let's look at both options for solving the problem separately.

Is it possible to get along with a tyrant?

It should be noted right away that it is completely impossible to rehabilitate a domestic tyrant. However, there is a chance to build more or less comfortable relationships. To do this, the aggressor needs to be aware of his problem and want to work on himself. Unfortunately, it is impossible to “re-educate” on your own. Here you need the help of a psychologist who specializes in personal and family problems. By the way, working with the victim is a prerequisite. After all, domestic or domestic violence often happens in families where both spouses are neurotic. A normal person will not be able to contact a tyrant for long.

Curious. As a rule, the families of neurotics are very strong. Relationships last for years, and sometimes for a lifetime. Despite all the irrationality and painfulness of what is happening, the spouses cannot live without each other. Pathological attraction here is perceived as real love and passion. In fact, despite all the torment, the victim and the tyrant understand each other perfectly. They are able to predict their partner's actions and feelings, and react in the way expected of them. This creates an atmosphere of some kind of unity and stability in the family.

Normal relationships do not attract a neurotic. The absence of conflicts, the impossibility of “playing victim and aggressor,” is perceived by him as a miserable existence. Therefore, if a partner suddenly stops, or does not want to initially fulfill his role, the married couple simply breaks up.

If the situation is critical

How to deal with a tyrant if his behavior is already beyond all limits? What to do when children suffer from domestic violence? The first thing you need to realize is that you can no longer resist the aggressor alone, which means it’s time to seek help. The injured person should write a corresponding statement to law enforcement agencies. In addition, people who have been subjected to domestic violence can receive psychological and legal assistance in special crisis centers, which exist in many cities of Russia. At the moment there is a helpline - 8 800 7000 600 (from 9 to 21). Calls to it are absolutely free, including from mobile numbers.

What threatens the tyrant if the victim writes a statement against him? Unfortunately, a law on the prevention of domestic violence has not yet been adopted in Russia. Therefore, the tyrant cannot be held accountable for verbal insults and bullying (unlike many other countries). However, when violence occurs, law enforcement agencies can and should act. Thus, the criminal code (Chapter 16, Articles 105-125 and Chapter 18, Articles 131-135) provides for liability for intentional harm to the health, life and sexual integrity of a person.

How to break off relations with a tyrant?

According to statistics, all victims of domestic violence sooner or later decide to break off relations with the tyrant. However, most often such attempts do not end well.

The whole point is that the victim is always deeply dependent on her spouse, both physically and emotionally (which is what the aggressor actually achieves). Therefore, after some time she returns to the family. Usually the main reason is the lack of other living space, escaping in a hurry (without documents and personal belongings), fear of starting a new life, hope that the aggressor will improve.

But how then to leave once and for all? You need to proceed as follows:

1. Do not inform the tyrant of your intention to break with him.
2. Find housing where you can stay for a long time (preferably as far away as possible).
3. Write a list of documents and personal items that you will take with you. It is important to take everything you need so as not to return later.
4. When everything is ready, wait for the tyrant to be absent, pack up and leave for a new place.
5. Change your SIM card on the same day.
6. After moving, seek the help of a crisis psychologist and enlist the support of your family.
7. File for divorce and, if necessary, write a statement alleging harm to yourself or your children.

My opinion. Preserving a family where violence is rampant is dangerous. The flywheel of events can spin in such a way that it ends in the murder or disability of one of the spouses, or even worse, children. Therefore, you need to try with all your might to “cure” from this sick attachment. Believe me, you can still experience real feelings, feel care, affection, love. A quiet, happy family life is possible for everyone. It doesn’t matter how bad your experience is, how old you are, or whether you have 7 children. Read the stories of former victims of domestic violence (Christina Aguilera, Holy Berry, Rihanna, Valeria, Jasmine, Christina Orbakaite and many others). Make the right decision.

In conclusion, it should be noted that domestic violence will only end when every child is raised in a happy family where adults respect, value and love each other. We are the ones who set an example of how to behave with a wife or husband. Get your way with your fist or a kind word. To endure humiliation or to give a worthy rebuff. The choice is yours.

Miroslava, Moscow

According to the international organization Amnesty International, about 14 thousand victims of domestic violence die in Russia every year. According to other studies, 36 thousand Russian citizens suffer beatings from their husbands every day. If you think about it, these figures are comparable to the population of small cities. Every day we turn on the light in the kitchen, cook dinner, drink tea with our family, completely unaware of what is going on in the next apartment. Unfortunately, domestic violence is a catastrophic problem in our society. Accustomed to silence, women continue to live, go to work, hiding new bruises and abrasions from everyone.

How to avoid becoming a victim of violence? Where can you turn for help if you are in trouble? Let's find out!

Types of domestic violence

1. Economic violence

Oppression of the victim by the aggressor by limiting him in food, clothing and other benefits. Economic violence is common in families with different material incomes.

2. Psychological violence

This type of violence includes the deliberate intimidation of one family member by another with the aim of causing him psychological trauma, as well as creating emotional insecurity and fear in the victim.

3. Physical violence

Physical violence is accompanied by beatings, systematic beating by the aggressor of both one victim and all family members.

4. Sexual violence

Violent acts of a sexual nature can be carried out both against a woman and against young family members.

Five reasons to hate. Why do men beat women?

We will not paint a portrait of a domestic tyrant who keeps his entire family in fear and regularly beats his wife. Let's try to identify the most common reasons why men raise their hands against women.

1. A man suspects a woman of cheating. The fear of being deceived and abandoned makes many representatives of the stronger sex raise their hand to their soulmate. Such men are accustomed to proving everything with their fists, so it will be easier for them to clearly explain to their wife what will happen to her in the event of adultery than to talk.
2. The man drank, drank heavily. It seemed to him that his wife was talking to him too rudely. As a result, the woman has a bruise under her eye, and the husband sleeps sweetly in a warm bed.
3. A representative of the stronger half of humanity cannot imagine that it is possible to behave differently. His father and grandfather regularly beat their wives, so the man, embodying the behavior model of his ancestors, uses violence against his wife.
4. The man is an insecure person in life. Quite often, husbands raise their hands against their wives after receiving a scolding from their boss at work, quarreling with a colleague, or not getting the desired position. Having not realized his potential at work, a man comes to his home to let off steam.
5. The woman dared to lose an expensive gift. Whether on purpose or by accident - it no longer matters to the husband. A similar situation may arise if the wife had an accident and destroyed her husband’s favorite car.

Whatever the reason why the man raised his hand against the woman, the further scenario of events is predetermined.

Four phases of domestic violence

The cyclical path followed by the victim and the rapist was described by L. Walker in the seventies of the twentieth century in the USA. Time has passed, but the situation has not changed. The generally accepted model looks like this:

Stage I. Growing tension in the family

The stage is characterized by the complication of relationships within the family: constant manifestation of discontent, frequent disputes and quarrels. The victim tries to calm the aggressor, to encourage him to maintain peace in the family, but all her attempts are in vain.

Stage II. Violence

The culmination of tension in the family is the manifestation of violent actions by the aggressor. Accompanied by intimidation, accusations, threats, and beatings.

Stage III. Reconciliation

The offender apologizes (this does not always happen), tries to logically explain his action, shifts part of the blame (or all the blame) onto the victim, and tries to hush up the incident. His mood noticeably improves, he tries to joke and laugh as if nothing had happened.

Stage IV. Honeymoon

This stage is characterized by harmony in the relationship between partners. The offender is forgiven, the incident is forgotten, peace reigns in the family. But for how long? Over time, each stage becomes shorter, the aggressor attacks his victim more and more violently, and it becomes more and more difficult to resolve the conflict peacefully.

What keeps women silent?

Once captured by a domestic tyrant, few victims seek help. Most women endure bullying and beatings for years. Why?

• Shame

Many women consider it shameful that their own husband beats them. That is why they continue to remain silent, enduring blows and insults from their other half.

• Fear

A victim of domestic violence is terribly afraid of his tyrant. Therefore, she believes that if she tells someone about the beatings, he will become even more angry. In addition, many women are afraid for their children; victims are driven by the fear of losing them.

• Habit

Victims of domestic violence, accustomed to living in constant stress for years, cannot imagine that it is possible to live differently. Many wives sincerely believe that everyone lives this way. Women believe that one day their husband will improve and life will shine with bright colors.

It won't get better. Never. Once a man raises his hand to his wife, he will repeat it again and again.

Where can I go for help?

If you are a victim of domestic violence:

1. Do not remain silent under any circumstances.
2. Try to hide in the bathroom or with your neighbors if you have time to escape.
3. Scream as loud as possible. Call for help.
4. Call the police as soon as possible.
5. Remember: there is no turning back! And you didn’t start this conflict; you have nothing to blame yourself for.
6. Protect yourself and your children!

According to official statistics, about 40 percent of all serious violent crimes are committed within the family.

There are victims of domestic tyrants in every fourth family. Ask for help! In almost every city there are crisis centers that are ready to provide any support to victims of domestic violence.

On the territory of the Russian Federation there is a single helpline for victims of domestic violence: 8 800 7000 600 .
If you find yourself in a difficult situation, call and competent specialists will help you.

Your future is in your hands!

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Consequences of domestic violence against a woman

There is no justification for violence!

Domestic violence (domestic violence, family violence, family violence)- uhthen an actual action or threat of physical, sexual, psychological,moralor economic violence by one person against another with whom the person has or had a family, intimate or other similar relationship. This is a cycle of violence repeated with increasing frequency for the purpose of control, intimidation, and instilling a sense of fear. These are situations in which one person controls or tries to control the behavior and feelings of another.

Domestic violence brings a traumatic experience to a woman, which leads to serious consequences for her. Victims of domestic violence acquire profound personal, cognitive, emotional, behavioral changes, such as: decreased self-esteem, increased feelings of guilt, belief in most myths about violence, thoughts about the hopelessness of the situation, the emergence of a persistent feeling of loneliness, guilt for what is happening and persistent fear, isolation , self-injury, the emergence of psychosomatic diseases and much more. All these signs and some personality changes do not depend on the duration of domestic violence and can appear after the first act of violence. Women who have suffered violence are left with not only physical but also psychological trauma.

There are always consequences of domestic violence, and often they can be very serious.Domestic violence has clinical and non-clinical consequences. In women who have been subjected to violence, observationpersonalitiesny deformations,Ppost-traumatic stress disorders (PTSD), complexPTSD , Stockholm syndrome,battered woman syndrome.

The consequences of domestic violence lead topersonal deformation women:self-confidence is destroyed, self-esteem decreases, anxiety develops,noogenic neurosis.A distorted “portrait” of the partner and a distorted perception of oneself and one’s qualities are formed,a realistic perception of the situation and surrounding reality is wasted.An irresponsible attitude towards one’s life develops, and at the same time one accepts groundless responsibility (self-blame) for the partner’s violent behavior, for his tendency to offensive, violent behavior. Decisions regarding one’s actions and satisfaction of various personal needs are made depending on the partner’s reactions. In general, significant difficulties arise when making any decision, which is associated with self-doubt and the developed fear of accepting responsibility for one’s actions.The actions of surrounding people are assessed in accordance with the assessments of the partner. There is a desire to “save” a partner when he finds himself in an unpleasant or difficult situation, and there is often joyful excitement as an expectation of a softening of the relationship as a response to care, which in fact almost never happens.

In addition to these signs of personal deformation, women experience clinical consequences of domestic violence. These are the signs that match the symptoms P osttraumatic stress disorder. On appear on a psychological level sleep disturbances, recurring memories, difficulty concentrating, increased excitability, feelings of social hostility,depressive state sudden outbursts of irritability and even aggression. Nand manifest themselves at the physiological level a feeling of lack of air, discomfort in the stomach, internal spasms, headaches, decreased sexual activity, up to complete indifference. Onlevel of behavior are recorded alcohol or drug abuse, eating problems,suicidal attempts or thoughts, disturbances in relationships with others, avoidance of communication, suspicion, lack of faith in the sincerity of a good relationship, sometimes -violent behavior regarding children, parents or other weaker people.

Doctors identify conditions characteristic of PTSD:

"soldier's heart" (chest pain, palpitations, shortness of breath, increased sweating);

chronic feelingguilt;-syndrome" (memories of “unbearable” events forcibly intruding into consciousness);

"combatant" psychopathy (aggression and impulsive behavior with outbursts of violence, alcohol and drug abuse, promiscuity of sexual relations with isolation and suspicion);

progressive asthenia syndrome (rapid aging, weight loss, mental lethargy, desire for peace);

rental state (passive life position with a conscious benefit from the benefits, privileges, desire for the status of a disabled person, a chronically ill person).

The diagnosis of PTSD describes what can happen to a person after one traumatic event.. But domestic violence situations are often chronic, with episodes of violence occurring regularly over months or even years. Many experts note that “simple” PTSD does not convey the enormous impactichological harm that occurs as a result of repeated trauma, so it is often necessary to talk aboutcomprehensive P post-traumatic stress disorder ( PTSD) . Research has shown that 92% of people suffering from complex PTSD also have “simple” PTSD. In a situation of domestic violence, PTSD, as a rule, appears after the first beating, and at the same time, over time, complex PTSD develops.The cause of complex PTSD can be not only physical and sexual, but also psychological violence (systematic humiliation, insults, etc.).

Symptoms of complex PTSD include:

Emotional dysregulation: constant sadness, thoughts of suicide, bouts of rage or constant anger.

Disturbances of consciousness: complete forgetting of traumatic episodes, flashbacks and reliving traumatic episodes over and over again, as well as dissociation - the feeling that a person is not connected to his body and mind, that everything is not happening to him.

Changes in attitude towards yourself: helplessness, shame, guilt, a feeling of “outcast”, that you are not like other people.

Changes in attitude towards the rapist: attributing omnipotence to the rapist, obsessive thoughts about one’s relationship with the rapist; this manifestation includes both painful “attachment” and obsessive thoughts of revenge.

Changes in relationships with others: isolation, distrust of everyone, or constant search for a “savior.”

Changes in outlook: loss of faith or feelings of helplessness and despair.

Women in situations of domestic violence demonstrate a pattern of behavior called “Stockholm syndrome" . This is a certain mental state, which in its strength can be compared with the psychological consequences experienced by people who are captured or taken hostage.Mantraumatizes a woman who, for one reason or another, cannot break up with him. For various reasons, she is forced to seek protection and affection from her offender, suppressing her anger. If the abuser shows her some kindness, the woman becomes attached to the positive side of the abuser, rejecting the fearful side of him. The woman learns to look at the world through the eyes of the rapist and, thus, she tries to keep the rapist in a happy state of mind, thereby ensuring her own survival. As a result, the victim becomes hypervigilant to the needs of the rapist and neglects personal needs, seeing the world through the eyes of the rapist, abandoning his own opinions. Ultimately, a woman perceives her self as her rapist sees him.

It is difficult for a woman to break up with a rapist because she is afraid that showing any disloyalty towards the rapist may cause his revenge and he may consider breaking up as an act of disloyalty. She ignores the aggressive side of the rapist and, thus, the existing danger, is afraid of losing the only good relationship that is available to her, and perceives her personality as the rapist sees it.

During torture and insults, women develop a special syndrome -"battered woman syndrome" . This syndrome is similar to the “Afghan syndrome” or “Chechen syndrome”. A woman with battered wife syndrome has a variety of physical and somatic symptoms, as well as depression, anxiety, and previous suicide attempts - a powerful indicator and evidence of domestic abuse.

Women stay in these dangerous relationships for a variety of reasons, including:

the woman is still held back by the “honeymoon” phase that follows the violence phase,

economic dependence on the rapist,

faith that she can still maintain peace in the relationship,

fear of the rapist's revenge if he leaves,

the abuser's threats, for example, he may threaten to kill or injure her, her children, or someone close to her if she leaves,

loss of self-esteem as a result of experiencing violence,

depression as a result of the violence experienced, and as a result, lack of mental strength to care.

Battered woman syndrome includes four main signs: the woman believes that the violence that occurred was her fault, the woman loses the ability to hold someone else responsible for the violence, the woman constantly fears for her life and the lives of her children, the woman develops an irrational belief in the omnipotence and omnipresence of the abuser .

Over time, the conditions that develop in women as a result of violence may not only not weaken, but become more and more pronounced. Therefore, in addition to self-help, they need specialized help.

Based on materials from sites:

1. Women's crisis center "Fatima". /http://fatima.my1.ru/

2. Portal about the problem of violence “The Road to Yourself.” /http://www.dorogaksvobode.ru/

3. Psoul. Psychological help. /http://psy-help.jimdo.com/

Murmansk region

This is a personal blog. The text could have been written for the benefit of the author or third parties. The editors of 7x7 are not involved in its creation and may not share the opinion of the author. Blog registration on 7x7 is open to authors of various views.

This year, the first season of the series “Big Little Lies” was released, which tells about a long-married couple played by Nicole Kidman and Alexander Skarsgård. Their relationship is full of violence and disrespect for each other: from small quarrels to assault.

The series reflects the situation in modern families. The statistics are stark: 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced domestic violence. The topic of abuse is increasingly being raised in the media, and in 2015, Twitter users even launched a flash mob: they wrote stories about family life under the hashtags “Why I left” and “Why I stayed.” I have collected for you 15 signs that can help you recognize violence in a family or relationship.

Myth: Domestic violence is always physical. If you don't get hit, what's the problem?

Rachel Godsmith, Domestic Violence Program Manager, says:

Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of power and control in a relationship. A person can control another person in many ways that are not physical.

1. Constant checks

There is a fine line between normal and abusive relationships. If you're constantly texting your partner and you tell each other what you're doing, that's normal. But sincere care gives way to total control, when your partner wants to know where you are and what you are doing around the clock. It is very easy to recognize a tendency towards violence: you begin to feel guilty for your actions.

2. Isolation from friends and family

Early warning sign: When your partner tries to isolate you from your family, friends, or activities. He may say that they are not good enough for you or that they have the wrong outlook on life. One thing is important: after a break in ties, it becomes difficult to seek support.

3. Accusations of treason

Abusive relationships are full of jealousy. It is easy for an abuser to imagine that a partner is unfaithful, even if there is no evidence of this. In turn, the accused can try his best to convince that there is no affair on the side. This adds even more stress to the relationship.

You don't want your partner to think that you are doing something wrong.

4. Constant messages and calls

In 2017, the abuser expects that he can reach his partner at any time. A few missed ones, and boom! - receive accusations of irresponsibility, disrespect or treason.

5. Shaming

In an abusive relationship, an emotional abuser will constantly shame their partner about everything from their appearance to their mental abilities to the people they associate with. In this way, the tyrant strengthens his power over the victim.

6. Financial restrictions

Financial abuse can take many forms, and the abuser has the ability to control the amounts to which the partner has access. There are also restrictions on cards and the number of hours during which you can work.

7. Demands to explain who you spend time with

This is another way of control by which the abuser makes the partner feel guilty, as if he is doing something wrong.

8. Forced sex

Sexual coercion is a large area of ​​domestic violence. The abuser may pressure him into deserving sex or actually force him into physical intimacy by telling him he needs to have sex to “prove his love or he’ll go somewhere else.”

9. Gaslighting

A common form of emotional abuse in which the abuser convinces the partner that he is going crazy. This is how the victim begins to question his own perception of the relationship. The whole purpose of gaslighting is to break someone else's sense of reality for further control.

10. Cheating

Abusers may intentionally cheat in order to later blame their partner for it and deliberately make them feel bad, or to show how in demand they are to other people.

11. Decreasing the importance of parenting or housework

Victims of abuse are often criticized for the way they raise their children. Partners may use this as an excuse for their abuse.

12. Ban on drugs

Another tactic that manipulators often use is to limit their partner's reproductive freedom. For example, hiding or destroying birth control pills or condoms to gain power over a partner. Among all the studied cases of emotional violence, a third of women were subjected to this particular manifestation.

It is important to understand that women have the right to make their own choices regarding sexual and reproductive health. No one has the right to dictate to her how she should control him.

13. Requirements for intimate photos

While sexting can be an enjoyable part of a romantic relationship, the abuser sends sexy photos of himself and demands the same in return.

14. Shifting the blame onto your partner

Some may be in denial and blame the victim for actually being manipulative. The most popular method is to point out that the partner did something “wrong”, and this forced them to take retaliatory measures.

15. Requiring passwords

In some cases, abusers demand all account passwords in order to control their victim’s life online. It's important to remember that you shouldn't share your passwords with anyone if you don't want to.

Why is emotional abuse difficult to deal with?

I have worked with many women who were victims and they felt a huge sense of shame for loving someone who abused them. They saw the abuser as a person with whom they had once fallen in love.
— Katie Ray-Jones, President of America's Domestic Violence Hotline.

There are no victims who experienced domestic violence only once. When people say “one time,” it can refer to physical violence, such as a slap. But isolation, constant insults and threats are repeated from time to time.

What to do?

Conversations about domestic violence constantly return to the same question: how do I leave? There is a myth that leaving such a relationship is an easy decision. In fact, victims often find themselves economically dependent on their abusers: they have no money to pay for rent, services, or food. Having a child together that requires care makes the task especially difficult.

There is also a justifiable fear that trying to leave a partner will cause new problems: extreme isolation and physical violence. There are enough stories in the media about how a husband killed a woman and children. Women know the threats are real.
Another aspect is also important: everyone wants to be a savior, but it is impossible to simply save another person in an addictive relationship. You can only support, give some resource so that the victim gets back on his feet. Friends and family of the victim should offer support and show that their environment is safe and open. There is an opinion in society that you just have to have a heart-to-heart talk with the victim, and then everything will fall into place, but this is not so. Pushing an addicted person to leave will not lead to good results either.

If the victim feels unheard and pressured, they will likely no longer trust that person. The psychologist recommends listening and making it clear that you are concerned about their condition and are ready to help.

Victims of domestic violence should undergo a mental health assessment to screen for possible depression or post-traumatic stress disorder. Few victims emerge from long-term domestic violence situations emotionally and physically unscathed. The best thing you can do for yourself is to recognize the signs and get proper help.

The problem of domestic violence in Kazakhstan, unfortunately, is a taboo topic for many, and victims very often simply cannot muster the courage to seek help from a crisis center or the police. In this case, relatives, friends or colleagues can come to the rescue. We asked experts about what domestic violence is and how to combat it at the public and state levels. What to do if this problem directly affects your friends? A “health expert” understands how you can help a person facing
with beatings in the family, with the help of the chairman of the Union of Crisis Centers of Kazakhstan Zulfiya BAISAKOVA and lawyer Zhanar NURMUKHANOVA.

What is "domestic violence"?

According to the Constitution of the Republic of Kazakhstan, human dignity is inviolable, no one should be subjected to torture, violence, or cruel treatment. This also applies to
personal security from attacks within one’s family. But in reality, too often things are quite different. Today, domestic violence is one of the most pressing social problems.

According to the definition of Article 4 of the Law of the Republic of Kazakhstan “On the Prevention of Domestic Violence”, it can be expressed not only in the form of physical or psychological, but also in the form of sexual and (or) economic violence. Some family members become victims of constant pressure, insults, nagging, beatings, and bullying. Anyone can become a victim of domestic violence - a woman who is beaten by her tyrant husband; a girl suffering from sexual persecution by her stepfather, brother or even her own father; a boy who is beaten by his mother; old people who are hated by their own children. However, the gendered nature of domestic violence is still significantly biased towards violence against women by men.

In many families, abuse is passed down from generation to generation, from the fact that it is considered useful for educational purposes to spank a child on the buttocks, ending with the fact that the patriarchal foundations that reign in our society consider it permissible to beat wives for the purpose of the same “education.” But the nature of family relationships is of great importance for the child’s behavior in the future. And, becoming adults, children learn the model of conflict resolution that reigned in the family - it turns out a vicious circle, which can be broken
very difficult.

Why is this happening?

The purpose of domestic violence is to establish control and power over the victim, when the abuser seeks to become the “master” of her life. It has no specific cause other than where one seeks to control behavior and feelings
another and suppress him as a person on different levels. As soon as the victim submits, he becomes helpless, cannot soberly assess the situation, and no longer tries to defend himself. Being in a kind of stress buffer, victims of domestic violence often refuse any attempts to help them.

Conspiracy of silence

Manifestations of violence are cyclical: an incident of violence - reconciliation - a period of peace - increased tension - violence. Over time, cycles often shorten in time and domestic violence becomes more severe. It is always important to remember that once domestic violence has occurred, it is likely to continue. After some time, the “peaceful period” will again move into the “increasing tension” phase, which will inevitably be followed by the “violence” phase.

Unfortunately, there is a global problem in society - the so-called conspiracy of silence. Victims cannot and do not want to admit that domestic violence was committed against them. And if someone completely by chance
witnesses such an incident, it is considered normal not to interfere, not to notice, and to assume that people will figure it out themselves. Thus, we automatically encourage it, turn a blind eye to the huge, fetid social
ulcer. It seems to us that violence cannot happen near us, that in good families or relationships no one will raise a hand against anyone, that this only happens to
marginalized from the lower strata of society, and smart and prosperous people are impossibly far from all this dirt. Ignorance makes people blind and deaf, and
When you experience domestic violence in person, you feel overwhelmed by a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.

Hidden Condemnation

There is another problem - hidden or open condemnation of victims of domestic violence. For example, a wife is ashamed to say that her husband beats her; she considers herself to blame for various reasons (she was not good enough, bothered him when he was not in the mood, did something wrong; most aggressors blame their partners for what because of her behavior he lost control of himself
and she “deserved it”) because society and her partner made her think so. A teenage girl is afraid to tell someone about her stepfather’s harassment, because she may have already tried, but she didn’t believe her, and what’s more, her own mother condemned her.
Or the mother cannot admit that her own son is mocking her: she, they say, is “herself to blame”, she did not please, she raised her incorrectly. But the truth is that there is no such thing as “own fault”. Any violence is always and entirely the fault of the offender.

Many harmful stereotypes regarding violence have become established in society, and they constantly hinder overcoming this phenomenon. For example, it is particularly common for victims to firmly believe that they are obliged to endure domestic violence for the sake of their children. However, they think little about
the fact that children raised in such families subsequently show a tendency to become either victims or aggressors, since what they saw and experienced in childhood has a detrimental effect on their mental health and normal development. IN
In the post-Soviet space, there is also a widespread popular opinion: “everyone lives like this, so this is our fate, we must endure it.” This position is destructive.

No one should ever, under any circumstances, become a victim of violence for one simple reason: domestic violence is a crime.

This vicious circle consists of fear, guilt and hope. The first time it seems that this is some kind of completely ridiculous accident and this simply cannot happen again, then the hope follows that if you are better, this will not happen again
will happen. Next comes a feeling of guilt that you are not good enough, and the hope that conversations and great love will definitely help. And in the end it becomes unbearably embarrassing to admit to others that the ideal
your parent/spouse/child throws you against the walls for every “sideways glance”, and it’s simply scary that if you tell someone about what’s happening, they’ll simply kill you.

The chairman of the Union of Crisis Centers and a lawyer tell how to help a person who is in trouble within his own family.

Chairman of the Union of Crisis Centers of Kazakhstan:

– If you become aware of violence in someone else’s family, you need to report it to law enforcement agencies. True, there is one nuance here - to start something
They can only take action after a written application that requires contact information. Not everyone is ready to do this. Therefore, it often happens that a person seemed to want to help, but left with nothing because he was not ready to share his personal data. In this case, in our country there is a National Helpline for Children and Youth - 150 and a Helpline for Women Subjected to Domestic Violence - 1415, telephone services are available 24 hours a day. They make it possible to provide emergency legal and psychological assistance to those in difficult life situations. The service operates under a privacy policy and statements can be made anonymously.

National helpline
for children and youth – 150
Helpline for women,
exposed
domestic violence – 1415

Intervening openly is not recommended for many reasons. At a minimum, because it can worsen the situation of a victim of domestic violence. However, if we speak
is about a minor child, intervention is always justified and, moreover, necessary. If violence occurs on the street, you need to shout, draw attention to what is happening as much as possible in order to stop it. If this happens behind a neighbor’s wall and the person can hear everything but not see it, you should still report it so that the necessary check can be carried out. Even if the fact of violence
you just imagined it, you need to declare it. A preventive conversation will be held, thereby demonstrating vigilance. This can prevent possible incidents of violence in the future, since the person will understand that if he
decides to engage in domestic violence, he will be punished, they will find out about it, it will not go unnoticed.

Preventive conversations are carried out mainly by the juvenile police. Sometimes local police officers do this. If the case is urgent, you need to call 102, but, again, they do not consider oral statements, and not everyone is ready to make a written one.

If the person is of age

Before doing anything, you still need his consent. In relation to minors, their consent to intervene is not considered, because the child cannot correctly assess the existing danger to his own life, health, and well-being. During my entire practice, not a single child received a call asking for help. And no matter how much one would like to think that there is simply no need for children to call the helpline number, unfortunately, it is known that this is not the case. This simply means that the child does not fully understand that he is being beaten, that domestic violence is being committed against him. He may consider this parental education, a well-deserved punishment, etc. Moreover, adults usually say exactly this to their little victims. There was only one case when a 16-year-old girl called and spoke about the sexual abuse committed by her own father.

She only dared to call when she was 16 years old, while this had been going on for a long time... That is why we, adults, are simply obliged to monitor such cases and develop zero tolerance for violence in our society.

Kazakhstan has not developed a program to combat aggressors or to work with them. They are also different. There are those for whom conversation is enough. And there are those who need compulsory drug treatment, they are mentally unstable, they are very easy to lose their temper. We need to work on all this, adopt foreign experience, and look for our own solutions.

– How to convince victims of domestic violence to seek help?

– Any person wants to have someone close to him, to live in marriage, as one family. This is a natural desire. But often people do not see boundaries in this
aspiration. For them, the phrase “my husband/my wife” means too much, and they are ready to endure anything to keep it. They do not understand that the fact of violence affects health, the atmosphere in the home, children, their psyche and future life. If a child sees throughout his childhood a certain pattern of relationships between the aggressor-father and the victim-mother, he will believe that this is exactly the norm. Girls will believe that they can allow themselves to be treated this way and that they must tolerate mistreatment, while for boys aggressive, violent behavior will be the norm,
which in the future he may well try on himself. Thus, the state loses full-fledged members of society.

When talking with victims, you need to be able to convey to them the full danger of their situation, talk about the possible consequences that will await them in the future if the situation does not change. Such consequences of beatings and constant stress can include neuroses, stuttering, nervous tics, serious psychological disorders and other health problems, both physical and mental.
When a person begins to understand this, he most often listens to common sense. You can act differently. For example, if I am a neighbor and systematic beatings are taking place behind my wall, I, as a resident of this house, have every right to report too loud sounds, noise, screams from the neighboring apartment that disturb me and disturb the peace.

– Please tell us about the Union of Crisis Centers of Kazakhstan.

– The Union of Crisis Centers of Kazakhstan is a voluntary association of legal entities registered on March 26, 2000. This is a professional network that unites
16 organizations from 11 regions of Kazakhstan, including 4 non-state shelters providing temporary accommodation for victims. Specialized crisis centers provide free counseling, psychological and legal assistance to persons affected by domestic violence,
if necessary, refer victims to medical institutions for assistance and further rehabilitation. In addition, employees of crisis centers can conduct preventive conversations with perpetrators of domestic violence and carry out awareness-raising activities to prevent domestic violence.

“The work is aimed at preventing gender-based violence and all forms of discrimination, creating a culture of non-violent relations in society and creating an effective mechanism for the influence of the public, in particular members of the Union, on the content of policies and decisions made by state authorities and local self-government bodies at the national and local levels
on the problem of preventing domestic violence in Kazakhstan, in accordance with basic international human rights standards, including the principles and provisions of the UN Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women. One of the strategic directions of the Union’s activities
is the monitoring of national legislation in the field of protection of human rights from domestic violence at the national and regional levels and the preparation of alternative reports.”

(http://www.telefon150.kz/about.html)

– What kind of help can crisis centers offer?

– This includes legal assistance, psychological assistance, preventive work, and the provision of shelter if necessary. People are different; for a certain psychotype, a consultation is enough so that a person can understand everything and deal with the situation on his own. Others need support and, above all, psychological help, while others need a shelter to temporarily shelter and put their affairs in order. Women with children can stay there from one month to six months.

To be placed in a shelter, you must contact the internal affairs authorities or the local police inspector with a statement that domestic violence has been committed against you. This is the main problem - a person can be accepted into a state shelter only after a written application, and they must have documents on hand (for NGO shelters this is not a mandatory condition). Unfortunately, it often happens that a person does not have documents with him. For example, a beaten wife ran out into the street in the middle of the night in only a nightgown, what kind of documents are we talking about? She needs to return home to get her ID with a local police officer, and not everyone will do that either. And it happens that husbands destroy documents - burn, tear, hide them.

The disadvantage of such shelters is that they only provide shelter; if a person simply comes there for advice, they will not provide it there. But in my personal opinion, shelters are the ultimate goal. It is much more important at this stage to develop psychological services. In our country, things are still weak with this; we need to deal more deeply with this issue. General actions should, in theory, reduce the level of domestic violence, but this is not happening. We don't have any activity indicator. Even the law is called “on prevention”, not on suppression.

Zhanar NURMUKHANOVA, lawyer,
President of Taldykorgan Regional Center
support for women:

– If you become aware of violence in someone else’s family, if someone you know or close to you finds themselves in such a situation, then try to tactfully tell the victim about organizations that you can contact (police,
crisis centers). It is almost impossible to get out of such situations without professional help. If it is not possible to talk to the injured person, then it is necessary to call the police, since police officers have certain powers.

– Is it possible to act behind the back of a victim of violence?

– In criminal law there are such definitions as cases of public prosecution and cases of private prosecution. So, cases in which there is domestic violence are classified as private prosecution cases, and a statement from the victim is necessary.

– Is it really necessary to intervene? After all, sometimes it happens that the victim is satisfied with everything and does not want to change anything.

– One of the main principles of human rights organizations is the principle: do no harm. We must inform, change people's consciousness, raise this problem for discussion, and help improve legislation. But do not interfere in someone else’s fate, deciding everything at your own discretion.

– What laws can people who have been subjected to violence rely on?

– According to Article 73 of the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Republic of Kazakhstan:

1. Obscene language, offensive harassment, humiliation, damage to household items and other actions expressing disrespect for persons in family relations with the offender, violating
their peace, committed in an individual residential building, apartment or other dwelling, if these actions do not contain signs of a criminal offense, will entail a warning or administrative arrest for up to three days.

2. The actions provided for in part one of this article, committed repeatedly within a year after the imposition of an administrative penalty, entail administrative arrest for up to ten days.

3. Actions provided for in part two of this article, committed by persons to whom administrative arrest in accordance with part two of Article 50 of this Code does not apply, entail a fine in the amount of five monthly calculation indices.

Note. For the purposes of this Code, family and household relations mean relations between spouses, former spouses, persons living or living together, close relatives, persons
having a common child (children).

– What steps need to be taken to be able to achieve justice and punish the aggressor?

– Know your rights, file a complaint with the police or a crisis center, where a professional lawyer will provide legal support.

– What needs to be done to protect yourself from the aggressor’s revenge?

– Apply to the court for a protective order. More information about this can be found in Article 54 of the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Republic of Kazakhstan:
Establishment of special requirements for the behavior of the offender

1. When considering a case of an administrative offense, at the request of participants in the proceedings on an administrative offense and (or) internal affairs bodies, the court may establish special requirements for the behavior of a person who has committed an administrative offense, provided for in Articles 73, 128, 131, 436, 442 ( part three), 461 of this Code for a period of three months to one year, providing for a full or separate ban on:

1) against the will of the victim, search for, pursue, visit the victim, conduct oral, telephone conversations and enter into contact with him in other ways, including minors and (or) incapacitated members of his family;
2) acquire, store, carry and use firearms and other types of weapons;
3) minors visit certain places, travel to other areas without the permission of the commission for the protection of the rights of minors;
4) consume alcoholic beverages, narcotic drugs, psychotropic substances.

2. When establishing special requirements for the behavior of a person who has committed an administrative offense in the field of family and domestic relations, for the protection and protection of the victim and members of his family, the court in exceptional cases has the right to apply for a period of up to thirty days a measure of administrative legal influence in the form of a ban on the person perpetrator of domestic violence, live in an individual residential building, apartment or other dwelling with the victim if this person has another dwelling.

3. During the period of validity of special requirements for the offender’s behavior, he may be required to appear at the internal affairs bodies for a preventive conversation from one to four times a month.

– How to behave and talk correctly with victims of violence in order to convince them to seek help?

– A victim of domestic violence, as a rule, is in a stressful situation, emotionally and psychologically depressed, therefore a qualified psychologist or a person whom the victim trusts should negotiate and talk with the victim.

– What to do if you know that a child is a victim of violence?

– Report to the guardianship authorities, juvenile police and crisis center. Children do not understand the difference between punishment and domestic violence, as a result of which they become victims, or vice versa, it happens that they pretend to be a victim in order to
escape punishment for a crime. This requires a very subtle and professional approach.

– How often do victims of violence turn to you for help?

– Unfortunately, very often. At the consultation level, up to 120–150 calls per month. Often these are the same people who decided that the rapist would change and returned to him.

- The most difficult question. It is very difficult to give any specific advice and recommendations, because situations can be very different. First of all, the only way to combat domestic violence is to ensure that every offender is punished for the crime. Impunity gives rise to new crimes. If women who find themselves in situations of violence stop remaining silent and “crying into their pillows,” left alone with their misfortune, and turn to law enforcement for help, then defeating domestic violence or at least significantly reducing its scale is quite possible. Today I would advise women who have experienced domestic violence to contact crisis centers, call the helpline, where
you can get the necessary information, find out what can be done in such cases, where to turn.
I recommend that mothers of young girls talk more about possible dangers, teach their daughters about relationships with men, and teach their sons how to respect women.

List of crisis centers where you will receive psychological help free of charge:
1. Family Social Support Center “Dana”.
Advisory, psychological, legal and legal
support in family and household issues.
Tel.: 266-28-98.
2. PF Center for Social and Psychological Rehabilitation and Adaptation
for women and children "Spring".
Pre/post-divorce conflicts, psychological counseling.
Tel.: 396-19-38, 396-42-40.
3. Black Sea Fleet “Crisis Center “Girlfriends”.
Psychological counseling for victims of domestic violence.
Tel.: 298-46-77, 298-45-85.
4. Center for Academic and Practical Psychology.
Tel.: 258-20-35, 229-46-99.
5. Psychological clinic.
Tel.: 261-68-20, 272-48-32, 272-57-14.
6. Helpline at the Akimat of Almaty.
Counseling on suicidal thoughts.
Tel.: 329-63-93.