How parents do not let their adult children leave them (a psychological thriller with elements of manipulation). You will leave me, my son, or How to let a child go into adulthood

They say that the main task of parents is to prepare their children for independent life as best as possible. On my own behalf, I can add - not only to prepare, but also to provide the opportunity to live this very life. In reality, everything happens exactly the opposite: due to an excess of love, parents cannot let their grown children go free. So we get infantile forty-year-old “daughters” and “sons”... So who is to blame?

The life cycle of each person with his parents is as follows: birth - childhood - growing up - leaving the family to create his own. However, for various reasons, the last stage may never occur. All these stages are logical and natural, and it’s good if parents understand this and support it in everything.

Child-parent games

And yet, for various reasons, parents are often not ready to lead the child on his own path, striving to walk alongside him in order to protect, protect and instruct. Or, on the contrary, they “climb into the arms” of their children - “Oh, your mother is so helpless, but you will help me, right?” Or, more often, the child and parent (or parents) switch places and “carry” each other in turns. From the outside - family help and mutual assistance, from the psychological point of view - a strange and complex symbiosis of insecure parents and a child who has never been able to grow up (or is not allowed to do so).

Unfortunately, the relationship between adult children and their parents develops according to the following scenario: the parent longs to be the main person in the life of his son or daughter (familiar phrase: “Wives come and go, but you have one mother”?) or they continue to control their child - suddenly he stumbles, will it do something wrong?

Why are so many parents unwilling to let their adult children go?

1. Selfishness. A common scenario in families with an overbearing parent and an obedient child (“the child,” I remind you, can be 30 or 50 years old). Undoubtedly, it’s more convenient for a parent: instead of sitting at home alone, you can while away the evenings with your daughter or son, and give different instructions, but of course. Many people also remember the notorious glass of water - and for the sake of this glass they are not ready to allow the child to try to live his life.
2. Self-sacrifice. At one time, a parent made a sacrifice in the name of his children, which no one, in fact, demanded of him. Well, now he longs for “repayment of the debt,” skillfully cultivating in the child (often unconsciously) a sense of guilt: “My parents did everything for me,” “Mom didn’t get married because of me,” “Dad left an interesting job for more money, so that feed us." Only one thing can be said here: it is very convenient, you know, to blame all complex factors and reasons, including unresolved personal problems, on the child. High goals can be used to justify your indecision, weakness, and inability to build relationships.
3. Realization of a dream. Parents dictate to the child what to do based on their own unfulfilled ambitions. Workers bend over backwards to ensure that their child receives a higher education, forgetting to clarify whether the future student himself wants this. A mother who dreamed of a career as a musician sends her daughter, deprived of hearing and voice, to a music school, where she becomes one of the worst students - and everything only gets worse... How decisively your parents will reshape your life according to their ideals depends on the degree of importance their ambitions for them and with a degree of resignation to the lack of their realization.
4. Hypertrophied. You simply cannot imagine your life without a child and think with horror that someday he will want to leave. But your love resembles shackles; it does not allow a person to truly develop! Is this what you want for him?
5. Mistrust. Control is always a sign of distrust. So why are you all trying to “spread straws for an adult child, protecting him in every possible way from all adversity, supporting him, helping him (including financially)? Simply because deep down you don’t trust him - you don’t believe that he is able to cope on his own. Do you really think your child is such a worthless person?
6. Replacing a spouse. We are talking about the psychological functions of marriage: in addition to physical love, spouses give each other mutual understanding, support, the opportunity to talk, and care. If there is no spouse, the child can easily cope with these functions. Only one day he will want to start his own family, and then the problems will begin. By the way, the spouse does not necessarily have to be absent for this: it happens that an emotionally empty relationship reigns in a couple, when there is no talk of any support or advice, and then one of the spouses may begin to drag the child into the relationship, making him his friend and often complaining about your partner. Needless to say, this is wrong: a child will never be able to solve problems within your couple, and such “friendship behind your back” will only increase alienation.
7. Meaning of life. Unfortunately, a very common situation: a “bad child” and a “good mother” who is forced to devote all her attention to the child, because otherwise he will make mistakes! For example, a daughter is married to the wrong person, is raising her children incorrectly, is working in the wrong place - and the mother, of course, rushes to help with both advice and deeds. And what’s interesting: no matter how much the daughter tries to improve (change jobs, get a divorce), she still does everything wrong. And the secret is simple: a mother needs a “bad” daughter, otherwise what will she do in life? So, if you always feel “guilty without guilt”, fight off advice and reproaches - you risk bending to someone else’s script, and no one has ever become happier because of this.

If you are a child who they don’t want to let go, you have 2 scenarios - live your whole life as an “obedient baby” or break through to independence - albeit with pain, through misunderstanding and indignation of your parents...

"Children fly out of the nest

Parents' hearts clench:

Let go? Or keep it close to you?

Here the dilemma arises, as always.”

The chicks grow up and, having barely learned to fly, leave the nest. Such is nature!

Birds take care of their offspring: they feed, warm, protect their chicks, and then release them into “free flight”, then the chicks learn to live independently. Why don't we people understand this? We are ready to support, cherish and protect our own. It doesn’t even occur to us that it is fleeting, and, moreover, striped. Why don’t we parents think that one fine day we may not exist, and then what will happen to “the chicks”? They didn't learn to fly on their own, did they? And the older the “chick,” the more difficult it is for him to start life again and learn to think about himself.

Happy first flight baby

Sooner or later, there comes a time in every family when it is necessary to release the “chicks” from the nest. The feelings are different: anxiety for the future of your child. Will your child be able to cope with the difficulties of our imperfect world, overcome obstacles, build their life and be happy? The most important thing for parents is that their child is happy.

But, unfortunately, there is another feeling that torments the soul: a feeling of uselessness, abandonment and meaninglessness of future life. When a child leaves home, he takes away the role of the parent along with his things.

Father and mother have different feelings. Men do not cry! For mom, the world is collapsing, there is no one to care about, no one needs everyday worries, there is emptiness in her soul. There is one question in my head: “ What to do? It’s hard for a mother to understand that her son or daughter has grown up: “Let me go, mom, I’m an adult...”. " Happy first flight, baby"! - she whispers through tears.

Mother of an adult child

When a child leaves home, a rethinking of values ​​and life takes place, and parents must assume the status of mother and father of an adult son or daughter. The state of mind moves from one state to another, as psychologists say, the time of initiation comes. And it always goes hard, leaving mental scars.

“Initiation (from the Latin word initiatio - performing a sacrament, initiation) is a rite that marks the transition of an individual to a new stage of development within the framework of a social group or mystical society. Among the rites of passage, rituals of initiation or dedication occupy a special place.” Wikipedia.

It happens quite often that a mother lets an adult child live independently, but keeps her soul close to her. The son or daughter pleads: “ Let me go mom, I’m already an adult or an adult...“You have to let go, like birds letting go of their young.

Every mother should understand that motherhood is not her whole life, but only a part. A mother will always remain a mother, no matter how old her child is. It’s just that in the life of any mother, there are different tasks throughout life. First, bear and give birth to a child, then raise and let go. Having released your child into free flight, you should then learn to live without him. Then pass on your experience to your son or daughter when they have children of their own, then they grow up, and their grandchildren “fly away from home.”

Having released the child from under her wing, the mother acquires a new status - “Mother of an adult child.”

To let go or not to let go...

To let go or not to let go? This question comes up sooner or later in front of all parents. Many mothers pretend to be helpless just to keep their child close to them. The adult child remains nearby, thereby neither developing further nor allowing the child to grow up.

The question arises: “Do you really, dear mothers, want to see your child helpless?” Dear, respected mothers, you yourself make your children pitiful and weak. Don't you believe in his powers? And if you believe, let go! Even if an adult son or daughter lives with you in the same apartment, this is normal, but do not interfere in the child’s life. Let him solve his own problems.

Letting go does not mean kicking you out of the house, letting go of your soul so that an adult child can take care of itself. By keeping adult children close to you, you do not allow them to grow and develop.

Remember about the chicks: not having learned to fly, and remaining in the nest, they die.

Sources of strength

Whatever one may say, it takes strength to let go of a child. Where can I get them? Everyone has their own sources of strength: some find them in hobbies, others go on trips, others immerse themselves in work.

Previously, due to worries, they may have postponed some task until later, but now the time has come and you can do it now. There are so many interesting things around, maybe it’s time to look at the world with different eyes?

Find people with whom you are interested and communicate in a healthy way! Just avoid people who are always dissatisfied with something and constantly complain.

Love yourself

It is impossible to believe in the strength of your own child if you do not believe in your own strength. Every mother should believe, first of all, in herself, that she is a good mother. To be honest, we are all not sinless, but it is worth forgiving and loving ourselves. It’s wonderful to be needed, but first of all you need to be needed for yourself.

Experience, wisdom and calm

Life flows, everything changes and nothing stands still. Children grow up, and parents become wiser and more experienced. Now the children are grown up and have become parents themselves. Everyone finds their place in life. And when parents prevent their children from growing up, they disrupt the rhythm and order of life. And it freezes and becomes cloudy.

Once upon a time, having become a mother or father, parents were afraid of not being able to cope; they were young and inexperienced; now, having gained experience and wisdom, they can give advice to others. Now a new time has come, the children have grown up and we need to learn to be a mother again, but of an adult child, and there is still a lot to learn.

« The child is a guest in your home. Feed, teach and release» Indian wisdom.

Look also

After finishing school, many children literally fly away from their parents' nest - on planes to another city to continue their studies at a university or college. How to cope with your fears and the conviction that without a mother the child will be lost?

Steps to freedom

Cutting the “psychological umbilical cord” is very difficult even for those parents whose children do not intend to leave their parental home. As sad as it may be, it is during the period of a child’s growing up that all the problems that have accumulated during his upbringing come to light. For example, if a student is used to spending all his pocket money on chips and soda, parents will be afraid for his food quality and expenses.

■ Try to accept the fact that a child not only can, but should be independent at the age of 18. It is unlikely that at the age of 22 he would have become the youngest billionaire in history if he had sat quietly under his mother’s wing. And you don’t have to say: “Well, mine is not such a genius...” If you don’t let him take a step on his own, he really may not be able to prove himself. Remember your youth: how did you perceive parental care?

■ Growing up is not a moment, but a whole period. If you are not ready to let your child go, you will still have to convince yourself that you need to start doing this right now, so that by the age of 20–25 he will have accumulated experience of mistakes and achievements. Then, by the time he creates his own family and builds a career, he will already have developed certain life guidelines.

■ Difficulties in “letting go” of a child are often associated with problems of trust in him. If this is the case, think about how to control the situations that worry you, but not deprive your son or daughter of independence. For example, if you are afraid that your child will be drawn into some kind of adventure when getting a job, ask him to show a copy of the contract.

Field of Dreams

When a child goes to another city, many parents imagine a picture similar to the one from the fairy tale about Pinocchio: insidious swindlers take away all the money, while promising mountains of gold, and most importantly, preventing them from studying! At the same time, not only ill-wishers, but also a son’s beloved girlfriend or a group of daughter’s friends fall into the category of “crooks.” Is the child’s new environment so dangerous?

■ The appearance of friends and acquaintances- a sign of successful adaptation of a newly graduated student. Therefore, because of unfamiliar words, new habits and beliefs.

■ The more friends he has, the higher the likelihood that he will not be left alone in a difficult situation. Therefore, try to establish formal and superficial contacts with these friends on social networks. But don’t intrude and don’t try to find out something about your child through them!

■ The way a teenager manages freedom illustrates his ambitions and life priorities. If, once in a big city, he plunges headlong into entertainment, you and your father are unlikely to be able to sit him down at his desk with angry calls and messages. Try to be your child's ally in any situation so that he is not afraid to return home in case of failure.

■ Success in studies and obtaining a profession depend on a person's own motivation. Therefore, if the idea of ​​becoming a doctor was yours, but your child wanted something else and now, away from home, has decided to change his specialty, you will have to accept your defeat with dignity and discuss future plans together.

Three crusts of bread

Parents are especially concerned about the physical comfort of the child. Will he think of calling a doctor if he is sick? Will she forget about her allergy to flowers? Will he be able to? Practice shows that even the most capricious sissies, accustomed to having breakfast in bed with a change of dishes, instantly learn to fry eggs in the dorm and eat them without salt or a fork before their roommates arrive. The feeling of hunger and everyday disorder are the main engines of progress and perfectly motivate yesterday’s schoolchild to appreciate every penny and simple everyday joys.

■ Many everyday problems often escape the attention of teenagers. They may simply not think about how clean laundry gets into the closet or soup into the pan. Try to fill these gaps by providing your child with simple recipes and some “everyday” instructions. Tell him that he can call at any time - you will tell him everything! It is also important to tell your child about alternative ways out of situations. For example, if there is no hot water, you can heat it in a saucepan instead of rushing around looking for a boiler.

■ Don't terrorize a child interrogations with passion and endless reminders of how to eat, dress and be treated. Don’t force him to brush off annoying lectures by provoking him to secrecy. Behave in such a way that he himself wants to share both successes and problems.

First experience

Summer camp is a very important experience for a student to live independently. Don't deprive your child of this.

1. Don't send him far away. Let the camp be no more than 80 km from home, so that you can pick up the child at any time.
2. Stick to the packing list provided by the organizers. It is compiled based on the experiences of other children and will help avoid surprises.
3. If a child is going to camp for the first time, try to find him a trusted companion in advance.

How are we without him?..

Don't forget about your own problems. When a child grows up, resources are released in the family that need to be directed somewhere. Many parents do not know where to spend their free time, to whom to direct their care and control. Not everyone is able to find new interests in life and engage in self-development. Therefore, guardianship of a grown child is often... a cover for one’s confusion and difficulties in adapting to new conditions.

Many mothers are in no hurry to let their little ones go into adulthood, considering them small and not independent until almost 30 years of age. Is this parental behavior justified? And how can this end?

Usually fathers are much stricter in these kinds of matters. They believe that the sooner the chick flies out of the parent's nest, the better for everyone. Mothers are in no hurry to let their offspring go far from them; they always worry about their children, right up to their retirement.

If a son or daughter has long reached adulthood, graduated from a university, but still lives with their parents, doing nothing around the house, and at the same time manages to beg for money, is this normal? Is there an age at which adult children simply need to be sent out on their own, whether they want it or not?

5 signs that it’s time for your son or daughter to live separately

There are 10 points in front of you. Read them carefully. If at least 5 of them are true, then it’s time to evict your adult child.

1. You clean the house in splendid isolation, including your son’s room. And he doesn’t even think about offering you his help.
2. The time for school is over, your son (or daughter) earns money on his own, but has never once offered you to buy food for home or pay utility bills.
3. You cook for the whole family, including the heir. He doesn't care about his nutrition.
4. There are often guests in the house: friends of the son. In their company, you willingly spend time together.
5. The son or daughter works all day. You worry about whether they are doing a good job.
6. Money began to become a frequent cause of disagreement with my husband. There seem to be enough of them, but your husband is annoyed that you are still sponsoring your offspring’s minor expenses.
7. Your daughter often takes your things without permission and wears them with pleasure. You do not interfere with this state of affairs.
8. An adult child brings his passion home for the night, and they lock themselves in his room. Meeting parents is not included in the “event” program. After a week or a month, the passion changes.
9. When you come home, you are absorbed in only one thought: when will your child return home. The moment when the front door opens is the best moment of the day.
10. If you think about it, the only thing that scares you is that one day your adult son or daughter will tell you that he is going to move and live separately.

Is it time or not time?

In one family, a child leaves home at 18 years old, and in another only after 30. Is this normal? Everything is individual. In our country, young people often find it difficult to acquire their own housing, so adult sons and daughters are forced to live on their parents’ territory until they start their own family. Is this a necessary measure? Maybe you like that an adult child is always nearby, under supervision?

It’s not for nothing that they say that the best relationships with parents are at a distance

Often, adult children find it convenient to live with their parents: there is no need to spend a lot of money and be burdened by everyday problems. Try to make life a little more difficult for your offspring: make them responsible for cleaning, buying and preparing food, and paying utility bills. Don't expect everything to work out at once. Some children need to be taught independence. Many of them do not need financial support, but are always happy to receive psychological help.

Rules for cohabitation

You need to start building a relationship with your adult son or daughter while they are still a student. Discuss what your offspring's plans are for the future. If you pay for your studies, you have the right to insist on performing certain household duties. By this time, they should already appear in an adult child. You're not still collecting his dirty clothes from every corner, are you? The offspring is also able to prepare breakfast and dinner for himself. And cleaning a room is generally the sacred duty of its permanent resident.

When a child is busy searching for himself and has no definite plans, think carefully about whether you are ready to finance this state of affairs.

Explain to your son (or daughter) that he is already an adult. And the house in which he lives is his parents’. Therefore, you will have to follow certain rules established by father and mother, including overnight stays for regular girls or guys. If you are not ready for this state of affairs, suggest that the couple live separately.

If an adult child earns his own bread, but still lives with you, you have the right to count on his contribution to pay part of the utilities and food costs. Naturally, the amount should be reasonable: a fourth or fifth of the entire salary. The point is not that parents feel sorry for money. It is important to let your offspring understand that in adult life everyone has their own responsibilities that must be fulfilled. Help them understand financial issues, tell them exactly how to look for a job, but don’t do everything yourself for your son or daughter.