Love without common interests. Common interests are a guarantee of long-term relationships

Meeting a person who shares all your interests is a great success; unfortunately, this does not happen often. However, you should not be upset if you and your potential soulmate have no or almost no common hobbies. Maybe you just haven't found them yet? How to find common interests?

Reading

Reading is a fairly popular hobby, so it is reasonable to ask your interlocutor if he likes to read, and if he does, what genres he prefers. You can talk endlessly about literature and the passion for reading.

Don't criticize

Refrain from criticism to one of your acquaintances, new or old. You may not understand some of his interests and do not accept them, but this is his right - the right to choose his own interests and hobbies.. Well, your boyfriend likes to watch football, well, there’s nothing wrong with that. Football matches are not shown every day, so it is quite possible to donate some of your time to watch a sports channel with your loved one. If you are categorically uninterested in football, you can mind your own business.

Do you love skiing? What about the bike?

In winter, many people prefer to spend their weekends with health benefits and go out into the forest to ski or snowboard.. Ask your interlocutor if he has skis. Or maybe he doesn’t have them, but he often visits ski resorts, where he rents the necessary equipment.

In the summer and autumn, skiing is replaced by bicycles, so ask the person you are talking to if he likes to ride a bicycle. An alternative option is roller skates. in the park or in specially designated areas.

Share your interests

Maybe your boyfriend/friend is too modest to ask you about your interests? And you don't wait for him to ask, but tell everything yourself. This is a great way to quickly find common ground.

Spend more time together

In one conversation with a person it is unlikely that you can find out all of his interests. For him to open up to you, meet and communicate more often, get to know his relatives and friends, become an integral part of his life, no matter as a good friend or as a loved one. Don’t grumble, take an interest in literally everything your interlocutor does, and then you will quickly find common interests.

First you need to understand that the interests of a man and a woman are at different levels and, in principle, do not coincide. Men's interests are focused on the physical and intellectual level (hunting, competitions, business, wrestling), women's interests are focused on the emotional and spiritual (love, relationships, harmony, internal balance). We are created different to complement each other. It is not expected that a woman will suddenly become interested in motorcycles and fights without rules. But a man will be happy if a woman can share his EMOTIONS with them.

So, a few tips to help you be closer to each other:

- don’t devalue. The phrase “this stupid football of yours,” said with a contemptuous grimace, means: “Your interests are stupid because you are a fool.” Respect a man and his interests, then you have the right to count on his respect.

- show active interest: ask the man to explain the meaning of the process, refrain from devaluing “this is incomprehensible and therefore boring” and expressive grimaces of disgust. You don't have to go into detail. It is enough to simply be interested in the hobbies of your loved one.

— share his emotions with him. If your husband's football team wins, rejoice with him. Not for winning, but because he is happy. Close relationships are when you share emotions. A man will see you as a member of his pack, his team, his like-minded person. For a man, a commonality of ideas (intellectual level) is a close relationship.

- do not try to impose your interests. If a man sees that your hobby, for example, in psychology, improves your relationship (read - you understand male psychology better), he himself will show interest in this. It is important to show that this is practical, and not just nice words and emotions.

Do you think common interests are the key to a good and happy relationship? Most women will answer yes. But is this really so? Let's figure it out.

Common interests

In fact, finding common interests and maintaining a balance so that both you and the man feel good is the most important thing. There’s just one “but” - this balance is impossible to achieve. In her desire to do everything to make a man feel good, a woman forgets about herself, and as a result, a certain pattern arises - a woman needs a man much more than he needs her.

At a minimum, because a woman wants much more from a man than he does from her: time, care, children, marriage. And even more, she wants joint action, and this is largely due to female monogamy. Men tend to choose one woman for sex, another for hanging out, and a third for marriage. And a woman has one man for all occasions.

And the only way to find the right man is to limit yourself in your needs. Put on “rose-colored glasses” and live as you supposedly want. And many women succeed in this, because the less demanding a woman is, the more chances she has to get married.

But as soon as a woman increases her demands, from the point of view of the modern world she simply imagines a lot about herself. Therefore, there is an opinion that the female lot is difficult precisely because of the inability to choose one.

And in order to somehow change this situation and prevent the man from leaving, they decided that we should have common interests, because supposedly this is the key to further relations. This is a persistent misconception that many psychologists perpetuate. A man cannot feel like a woman, therefore, if you achieve this, then you will have a very perverted chosen one. And even if he is romantic, sensual, as you wanted, it’s definitely not because of you.

When a man runs away from a woman, she thinks it's because they don't have common interests. And then she acts in two ways - either she looks for a man with the same interests as hers, or she lives in the interests of the one she has chosen.

But is it worth doing this? Is it necessary to waste time on such a man?

Is the game worth the candle?

Sometimes a man really wants to leave to escape his problems. He's tired of everything, he's not happy with his family, he doesn't want to take care of the children, and so on. In fact, in this case the man is running not so much from problems, but from the function that controls him.

But sometimes a man leaves not to escape, but simply to hang out, drink beer with friends, go fishing, and so on. That is, he wants to go somewhere where there is movement, and here the main question arises - should he take his wife with him? In this case, the woman is trying to solve the problem - who to leave with the children so that she can escape with her husband. But in reality everything is completely different. The woman has the illusion that her husband does not take her with him because she will not be interested or she simply does not fit into the company. But that's not the problem.

Family for a man is not everything, but only part of his interests. Unlike a woman, for whom the family is a project and she can devote herself entirely to it, for a man it is a recreation center or rear.

But a man also has a main occupation - his work, friends. He even prefers rest “without” (his wife), while a woman “with.” For example, a woman wants to take a break not from her husband and children, but from her responsibilities, so she will happily go to a resort, but with the whole family, because her husband and children are her comfort zone.

This is not the case for a man. Besides the fact that he just wants to go on vacation, the man also wants to take a break from both the children and you. And this does not mean at all that he does not love you and the children. He will also tear anyone's throat for his family, but at the moment he wants to take a break from everything. Why?

The fact is that men by nature are commanders and they can have a great rest with the servants. It will not be a problem for them if instead of a wife there is a maid, housekeeper, security guard and other service personnel. Why do men very often relax in the sauna not with their mistress, much less with their wife, but with a prostitute? Because she is a function for him, sex with her is also a function, nothing more. And the only ones he can accept as equals are his male friends.

But there is another holiday option where men happily relax with their wives or girlfriends - this is trips with friends. For example, you went with a group to a camp site. And there women quite consciously play the role of function, knowing and accepting it. While the men talk about their own things, the women cook, bring them food and conduct their conversations. No one bothers anyone, and such a vacation can be called ideal. This is a rare case when a man takes a joint vacation. Because he doesn't need to solve any problems. He doesn’t need to be responsible for cooking or worry about everything that happens.

If you went on vacation with a man, then your task is not to create problems for him. If you, going on a trip with your spouse, take care of tickets, arrange visas, and take care of all the affairs, then he will not mind you going with him. But only if you don’t start whining, “We didn’t sit there, we stayed in a bad hotel,” or “Why did we even come here?”

In fact, these are problems of common leisure, as well as common interests. They simply cannot exist. Therefore, you need to remember one thing - either you let your man go where he wants, where there are functions and women, or you eat with him in the role of this very “function”. It is clear that in this situation there are many “cons”, and there is an opportunity to reduce the price. But if at home you are a commander, and on vacation you can be a function, then he is unlikely to want to look for a new woman and relax without you.

Of course, the topic of common interests is important, but you should not confuse life interests and men's hobbies. You can easily choose someone who loves spicy food just like you. Films and music of the same genre. But that doesn't mean you have to have the same hobbies. You should give your man space to walk and only make sure he leaves and comes back, and not run with him on a leash. You must create a place where he will be free, albeit illusory. And if you find yourself on its territory, you must play by its rules: be a function and a service personnel. Only then will he not say that you are interfering with his life and that he needs to dump you.

Remember that men's vacation is not about romance, but about an obedient wife. Therefore, it is much more effective, if you are going to celebrate something, to do it over two days. One is yours - flowers, balls, etc. His other is vodka, meat and passionate sex. And here it is important not to get involved in the topic where he should be without you. Moreover, you will not always like his hobbies. It's better to be able to separate it.

Your questions

“When I lived with my husband, I was always offended by him because he spent time with friends. At the same time, he looked after me, gave me gifts, flowers, and generally treated me well. But I wasn’t happy with the fact that he had his own hobbies and friends. As a result, I ensured that his attitude towards me worsened and he began to yell. We divorced. My husband had a hard time with the divorce and started drinking. I thought I had let him go so that he could live as he wanted, but it turned out that I just needed to give him a little freedom.”

“I realized that in marriage, especially if there are children, a woman really cannot develop and do something of her own. True freedom can only be achieved outside of it.”

In fact, this is so, because everyday life, a spouse, children take up not only a lot of physical, but also spiritual time. And usually women really get lost in all this. They are simply incapable of doing anything else.

A classic problem that arises for a couple several months and sometimes years after marriage. When you met, he seemed very cool and interesting to you, the kind that you wouldn’t find during the day. And so Time passes, you suddenly realize that you two are bored. While he is watching football, you are doing handicrafts, while he is talking about his work days, you are thinking about training, while he is planning your vacation in the forest, you are dreaming about shopping, etc. As a result, it turns out that you are interested in one thing, and he is interested in something completely different. This leads to you spending a lot of time separately, each doing what he likes. Time spent together often comes down to short conversations, silence, or simply being together. Of course, the situation described is a little exaggerated, but in many respects it corresponds to reality.

• The love has passed. As long as there is a feeling of love, we do not notice shortcomings and big differences in interests. They unite feelings and interest in each other. Once it wears off, the difference becomes noticeable. This reason is the most common.
• Interests have changed. They can change for one person or for both spouses. As a rule, they change under the influence of friends, as they grow older and change values ​​and priorities.
• The influence of everyday life. Everyday life eats up feelings - these words are probably familiar to you. In the endless chain of “home-work-home-work” people lose the desire to do something and become interested.
• The appearance of a child. The baby becomes the woman’s main interest; everything else often fades into the background. At this time, everything remains the same for the man. The result is different interests.
• Change of social circle. When you or your husband make new acquaintances, this leads to a subconscious interest in what new friends do and live. In turn, this leads to the emergence of new hobbies.

As a result, there is the following situation: you want to establish relationships again, find something pleasant in common
thing, but you don't know how to do it. Each of you lives in your own little world, minds your own business, and your feelings slowly fade away under the pressure of everyday life. If you don’t want to continue like this, take everything into your own hands and fix the situation urgently!

The first thing you need to do is get your husband's attention. Change something in your appearance, demonstrate new habits (pleasant ones), change your behavior or schedule. Become his new interest yourself. This is a very effective option. Having seen the changes, he will certainly want to know more, which means you are on the right track.

Your second step will be to analyze his interests. Find out what interests him most and what he spends a lot of time on. And focus on this, slightly altering it in your own way. Does he like football? Put on the uniform of his favorite team and go seduce! Loves computer games? Buy him the one he has been playing for a long time, and try to play with him: if not in the team, then just support and cheer. Are you a food lover? Surprise him with culinary experiments. Start simple - introduce new ingredients into everyday dishes. Does he talk about work all the time and really love it? Listen carefully, ask questions, show that you care. It’s good if you remember the names of several of his colleagues and can even maintain a conversation in the style of “How are you doing with Seryozha? Is he no longer sulking at you for the project you took away?” Let your husband know that you are interested in him too. This is the basics.

Your next step will be to have a peaceful conversation with your husband.. Find out what he would like to do in his free time, what he would like to teach you about (for example, the intricacies of a computer game). Tell him your wishes too. It's good if you find something in common. However, in most cases you will have to make a compromise.

It is very important not to go too far . It is not necessary to do something interesting every day - it is tiring and is unlikely to bring the desired result. Therefore, go to the cinema on Monday, fishing on Tuesday, shopping on Wednesday, football on Thursday, etc. no need.

Compromise nuances

When looking for common interests, you must understand that no one should be disadvantaged. If you compromise, then equally so. Here are the best options:

It is very important that you learn to not only listen to each other, but also hear. When your words are answered not with the usual “uh-huh”, but with a lively reaction, you want to spend more time with such a person, reach out to him.

Sometimes the solution lies in a rather unusual approach for such a situation. Try to live separately for a while, if possible. You may need some time to sort yourself out. In addition, a short separation will help you get bored: you and your husband will be reunited with refreshed feelings, with a new perspective on things. The main thing is to do it by mutual agreement and on a pleasant note.

Warning signs

When the question of a lack of common interests arises, you must figure out whether this problem is imaginary or real. What should you be wary of:

• Suddenness . If everything was fine, and then your husband declared that you have no common interests, this is at least strange.
• Husband's reluctance to find a way out of the situation . This may indicate either his selfishness, or that it is not profitable for him to establish relationships, to look for those same unifying interests. Perhaps because this way he plays the role of a victim and therefore can get more.
• Lack of common interests is a reason for scandals and the first step to divorce . If you notice this trend, you need to have a serious conversation. And not about interests, but about your relationship in general.

It could be a completely different situation. Perhaps your husband is already satisfied with everything, he is happy with what he has. The issue of lack of common interests is centered only around your desires and thoughts, assessment of your life. In this case, just look for a new hobby and share your impressions with your husband. This will make him want to be a part of something exciting in your life without stressing too much.

In general, perhaps searching for common interests may not be necessary for either of you. Assess its feasibility and necessity. If you feel good anyway, don’t waste your time and energy, but enjoy family happiness.