Funny new jokes about men and women. Jokes man - the funniest jokes about men and guys

Male themes are present in all humorous genres. Whether it's jokes about men or jokes man, the style of humor is absolutely unimportant. In any case, there are a couple of jokes that can only be attributed to the “Men” category.

In general, the category is quite extensive, so jokes from several other genres can intervene. However, there are not so many truly male jokes, and even unsurpassed anecdotes of a man are rarely found in the humorous space.

What makes it stand out jokes about men among other masses of similar jokes? Can funny man jokes compete with similar jokes about women? The categories are very similar to each other, only the style of the story is fundamentally different. If women's jokes are subject to reckless acts, then in jokes about men everything is guided by logic. Or laziness. This is what jokes a funny man will come across.

More often funny jokes about men contain discussions about women. Funny aphorisms about men also contribute to thinking about women's topics, but in jokes about men, jokes are a little funnier than in aphorisms. Therefore, jokes about men are cool and are a good opportunity to both speculate and have plenty of fun over the misadventures of the joke characters. But in many jokes about men, just the strong half gets nuts.

Jokes about guys

In our country, there is almost no clear distinction between guys and men, since they can call a man a subject of twenty years old and a guy of a hardened man of thirty-five years old. What is the difference between the funniest jokes about guys from other male jokes?

Jokes about guys for the most part contain the love experiences of the characters. First love, first disappointment, first discovery - all this is reflected in jokes about guys. And who keeps them company in the most funny jokes about guys? Right. Gouging - friends.

So what can we expect from the title " male jokes"? These will be typically masculine, funny, a little vulgar stories, most likely about women who happened to a man in the recent past. Also, male jokes include jokes with typically male shades: resourcefulness, pep and wit. Funny demotivators about men contain all the same signs.

Do you want to have a good laugh? Open any man jokes and they will surely make you smile.

A man should be a little sloppy: either the fly is unbuttoned, or the sleeve is in shit.

As soon as a photo of my wife appeared in the wallet, the money from it immediately disappeared.

Women have no conscience at all! The main thing is that she washes her panties with towels, and my f***ing ones with socks!

I asked Rambler "and .... where is my favorite ...... 200 porn sites gave me a window.

A real gentleman does not leave behind dirty dishes: he eats potatoes and meatballs straight from the pan, and soup from the pot.

A real man considers socks not clothes, but shoes ...

An example of purely male logic: - Would you like a drink? - No, I'm driving. - Why did you come by car? I would leave her at home. - I was in a hurry - I thought you would start drinking without me!

He: do you want me to give you everything: the sky, the stars, the moon, the whole universe ... She: ... but what, no money at all?

Kamasutra? Garbage, you should have seen in what positions I sit in front of the computer.

Why is the man in the apartment? For some reason, everyone decided: to saw, plan, to hammer nails. Insulate the apartment in the cold, and repair the dripping faucet ... And the man in the apartment is needed so that the sofa is not empty!

Women are of great benefit, even when they promise and do not come: teeth are brushed, clean-shaven and you sleep on fresh sheets!

I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t swear ... oh, damn, the bull almost dropped it into a glass ...

A man is like a ball: when a woman releases him from her hands, he unravels, and when she takes him in her hands, he winds up ...

One had only to ask a man to help wash the dishes - and immediately an automatic dishwasher appeared.

Male fidelity: already married for the fourth times, and mistress- all the same.

A man and a woman lie on the bed and look at the ceiling. Thoughts of a woman: "He is silent. He does not want to talk. Surely, he has already stopped loving me, he has another. The relationship is over." Thoughts of a man: "A fly, a fly on the ceiling. How is it holding up?

I'm a man in the house, I want to control everything! But my wife does not allow:

Estimate... in Google translator from Russian to Tagalog the word LIFE is translated as Buhay. - What kind of native is he, this Tagalog

Observation: in men, the head hurts more often in the morning, and in women - in the evening.

I didn't even think about love... But you leaned over so by the way!

Nature did not like men and did not give them anything, she rewarded them with only one stick - and then, she called garbage.

If not for women, men would wear socks for more than a week.

Mom told me: "Do not lie down on the side." I didn't listen, lay down! As a result, he broke both arms, ribs, and the toilet bowl to smithereens...

It was a very strange forest... First I went looking for mushrooms, then they followed me!

The only thing strong feeling, in which a man willingly admits to a woman, is a feeling of hunger

He fell on his knees in front of me and said: "F*ck, slippery ..."

Alcohol increases sex drive. Sometimes you drink, lie on the floor - and so reluctant to get up ...

Male sign: he began to comb his hair in the morning - it's time to get a haircut.

The longest and an amusing trip starts with "I know a shortcut"

If a woman is a shopaholic, then her man is usually a naked ass

I want to crawl under the table like a little girl, hug my knees and cry... - Diman, what happened? The wife wrecked the car.

The magazine "Murzilka" for 83 years there is a tongue twister for children (try to read it quickly). "Ah, at the spruce, ah, at the tree, ah, at the evil wolves."

For a man to undress and not rub ... it's the same as for a woman to try on and not buy.

If you have dinner at the table in the kitchen, then you do not have the Internet

A woman is like ice cream, must be sweet and melt. And a man is like coffee: strong and not allowed to fall asleep.

There is only one step from love to hate, and it must be done proudly to the march of Mendelssohn.

When a woman washes the floor, she believes that it will become cleaner, and when a man washes, she believes that the floor will end soon.

In fact, men recognize the presence of female intuition, but call it in their own way: "Nakarkala!"

Love comes... Love goes... Love comes... Love goes... Bitch. Started to wander around.

In the field of animal protection, vodka on the hunt has done more than all Greenpeace combined.

When will they finally come up with computers that, on the voice command “f*ck!” undo all the last actions???

Drink if you die, don't drink if you die, so drink while you live!

Pants are given to guys in order to hide their thoughts.

The guy will definitely let the lady go forward if the slit on her dress is at the back.

Bachelor scrambled eggs: opened the refrigerator, scratched the eggs, closed the refrigerator.

A hundred meters for bread is far away, and a kilometer for beer is within easy reach!

What can lead to a dead end male logic, so this is the phrase: Honey, give me colored invisible ones!

Long ago, only women lived on earth. And one day one of them turned to the Lord with a request:
- I beg you, God, make me the most beautiful, the most desirable of all women.
- What about the rest of the women?
- Yes, x @ p, with them!
This is how men appeared on earth.

Guys, problem!
Wife returned from vacation a day early and caught washing dishes. He doesn't want to listen to any explanation. She says I lied to her all the time that I can't. I tell her, they say, you yourself understand, it’s difficult for so long without a woman, I couldn’t resist, but no more, I swear, and she goes to the refrigerator. And I didn’t have time to eat anything that I cooked, I thought I’d have time tomorrow. And here you are - and borscht, and pilaf and twice half a pie. Slept, in short, to the fullest. I tried to tell her that the woman drove, but where was there after the dishes. In short, what to do? Divorce?

The son in the kitchen smokes through the window. He hears the door slam in the hallway: the mother came home from work. He threw away his cigarette and sprinkled air freshener.
Mother comes in, he makes excuses:
- Mom, I honestly did not smoke! It stinks from the neighbors.
- Yes, you smoke, drink, take women home - maybe at least you will finally get married at 44!

Why haven't you married yet?
- Yes, I bring girls home, mothers do not like it!
- Bring someone who looks like a mother.
- Brought, dad began to swear!

A real man should be able to properly set fire to the hut and disperse the horse so that the woman has something to do at her leisure.

The men are sitting in the bath.
The mobile is ringing. One picked up the phone and answers:
- Yes, dear, what did you want? Fur coat? Of course you can! Do you know where the money is? Fine! More boots? Yes please! Handbag? Yes buy!
Turns off the phone and says:
Guys, whose phone is it?

If a man claims that he has ceased to understand anything in women, then he has finally understood them.

At a table in a cafe, a man says to a woman:
- Sorry, but on the dating site, I didn’t imagine you at all ...
- Man, yes you drink, drink!

Preparing for the wedding, my girlfriend chooses the decoration of the hall, music. I deal with the domestic side of the issue. I transfer the property to my parents.

Every girl dreams of bad boy which will be good only for her.
Every boy dreams of a good girl who will be bad only for him.

A man tells a friend:
- I recently got married, I carry her in my arms around the apartment, and then she says:
- Vasya, have we already signed? Let me jump on the neck ...

For women, childhood ends when they call not to eat, but to cook ...

A woman has three age stages:
1. We annoy the father
2. We get the husband
3. Annoy the son-in-law

Juicy jokes about a man and a woman

A man comes to a sex shop to buy a rubber woman.
The seller asks:
- You normal or with intelligence?
- With intelligence.
The next day, the man returns to the store:
- Change to normal.
- What do you not like?
- I didn't.

A tired hitman walks into a bar in Arizona, places his rifle on the table, and orders himself a drink. The farmer sitting opposite asks politely:
- Excuse me, but can I look at your house through your optical sight?
“Look, it’s not a pity,” the killer answers.
- How much do you charge for work? the farmer asks after a minute. -There my wife is having fun with our neighbor!
- A thousand dollars for one shot.
I'm crying twice! But you must shoot off his penis, and her head.
“Okay,” the killer says, and starts aiming.
- Nu that same you procrastinate?! the farmer shouts after a couple of minutes.
- Wait, you! I'm trying to save you half.

The newlyweds agreed to make love only on those days of the week that have the letter "r". Somehow a tired husband comes home from work, and his wife starts harassing him. He asks her:
- Honey, what day is it today?
- Monday! she answers.

Monya, where are you running to?
- Oh, don’t ask, I’m in a hurry to urgently fulfill my marital duty ...
- Monya, so you live in the other direction!
- I feel that I won’t bring it there!

One couple did not have children. In which only clinics they did not apply - all to no avail. Desperate, they decided to consult a sex therapist, although they knew that everything was fine with them here. After listening to both of them, the doctor advised the man to somehow “master” his wife at the most unexpected moment, then, according to him, conception might occur.
After 4 months happy couple comes back to the doctor to thank him for the advice, which really helped. Then the doctor asked the man to linger and asked him how he managed to “possess” his wife so unexpectedly that she became pregnant. He answers:
- She was looking for something in the refrigerator, and I crept up behind her, lifted her skirt and ... this ...
- Well, she must have been very surprised.
- Yes, it's okay, you should have seen the faces of buyers in the supermarket!

Father, is a woman allowed during fasting?
- You can, but not fat.

Jokes about men and women are very funny

A man on the subway is staring at a woman. She turned out to be not from the timid and says:
- Man, why are you staring at me like that? Enough already, you're undressing me with your eyes!
- What are you, what are you?! You are already dressing, and I am smoking ...

A man met a woman at a resort.
On the first day, the man stroked the woman's hand. On the second day - the elbow.
On the third, when the man dared to touch the woman on the shoulder, she said irritably:
- What do you think - I came here for six months?

A man bought two geese at the fair, a bucket, an anvil, and then two more hens on the cheap. She goes home, and a woman meets:
- Can you tell me how to get to the village?
- Come with me, I'll show you. Just let's go through the forest, so closer.
- Well, of course, otherwise I don’t know you guys! As soon as we go into the forest, so somewhere you will press me to a tree ...
- What are you, a woman? See how much living creatures I have in my hands? How can I?
- Yes, it's very simple! Cover the geese with a bucket, and an anvil on top.
- And where will I put the chickens?
- Well, I can hold chickens.

My wife is concerned about my erectile dysfunction. She and I have different views on its cause.
She bought me Viagra, I bought her a treadmill.

Svetka, get up, 15 minutes left before work!
- What are you? Fucked up??! You couldn't wake me up before? I only have 20 minutes to paint!
- Do not yell you, while you were sleeping, I already made up you.

A man and a woman lie on the bed and look at the ceiling. Thoughts of a woman: “Silence. Doesn't want to talk. Surely, he has already fallen out of love with me, he has another. The relationship is over…” The man’s thoughts: “A fly, a fly on the ceiling. How is she holding up?