What old people can and cannot do. Whatever you do, it gets worse: Starikov explained how the Amesbury incident will hit May's reputation

Ecology of life: Sooner or later, most of us face problems in relationships with aging parents. Most often, people just complain to each other, not seeing ways to somehow change the situation. Why is it so difficult for us to communicate with the elderly? Why do they have to piss us off? Why do they constantly give us advice, criticize and interfere in our lives? Why not accept anything new? And what do we do with all this?

Sooner or later, most of us face problems in relationships with aging parents. Most often, people just complain to each other, not seeing ways to somehow change the situation. Why is it so difficult for us to communicate with the elderly? Why do they have to piss us off? Why do they constantly give us advice, criticize and interfere in our lives? Why not accept anything new? And what do we do with all this?

Sasha Galitsky- painter, sculptor. Once an art director in a large company, Sasha left a prestigious job and has been leading a wood carving circle in nursing homes in Israel for 15 years. Most of his students are over 80, and some have crossed the 100-year mark.

“Had I known these answers 20 years ago, my relationship with my parents would have been different, and their old age would have been different too. But I can't get my parents back. That is why I am writing this book for those whose parents are still alive. For those who still have the opportunity to learn how to communicate with them. And don't go crazy on your own. I now know how to do it."

Sasha Galitsky

Sasha, please tell us how your book was born?

I have been working with the elderly in Israeli nursing homes for 15 years. I was lucky to work with that generation of old people who at a young age survived the Second World War, went through concentration camps - they arrived in the newly created state of Israel at 18-20 years old after the greatest catastrophe.

It amazes me how, after all the tragic events that have befallen them, they were able to start living again. The life force that drives these people is simply incredible! Through contact with their destinies, through gradual understanding and growing into their psychology, I came to this book.

The idea of ​​the book belongs to Vladimir Yakovlev (journalist, author of the Age of Happiness project), he also came up with its format. I am not a psychologist. I wrote the book as if from the inside. I have tried to be as honest as possible in expressing my point of view on this issue.

“Have you ever noticed that no old people annoy us as much as our own? This is because all old people are just old people. And ours are aged parents, whom we remember differently, young and full of strength, and who, relatively recently, played a completely different role in our lives. We are not ready to allow them to become decrepit, stupid and fall into childhood.

You lead workshops where you explain how to interact with older people: what to do, and most importantly, what you should never do. What are these rules?

Many people whose parents have grown old and become infirm are in despair, because they are faced with a new experience for themselves and do not know what to do, how to behave. I wanted to tell you how it could be different.

Here are the basic rules for communicating with the elderly, which I have deduced over many years of working with them. They are simple and quite versatile:

1. Do not wait for the pleasure of communication

2. Steer

3. Don't try to change parents

4. Know their "technical specifications"

5. Don't get into conflict

6. Compassionate but not sorry

7. Don't argue

8. Manage experiences

9. Don't blame yourself

10. Forgive

You say that in no case should you argue with old people, try to convince them of something. Why is it so important?

Because it is impossible to convince them. And trying to argue, you can only spoil the relationship. You can't fix your parents, you have to put up with it. In this situation, you can only change yourself, change your attitude to what is happening.

- Mom, what kind of coffee do you want?
- Soluble, the cheapest!
- Good.

And what does the principle of "rule" mean?

There comes a point when you have to take control of your relationship with your parents. That's the problem, it's not that easy. Here it is necessary to imperceptibly change the vector of relations, the psychological alignment of forces between the child and the parent: stop communicating with aspiration. No longer be led, but lead yourself.

It's difficult, but possible. To do this, you need to stop making excuses, stop explaining, stop playing a little boy or girl in a relationship with a parent. This can be done with humor. In most cases this works.

“A laughing old man is not dangerous. With the help of a joke - any, not even the most successful one - you can defuse almost any dangerous situation that arises in communicating with an elderly person.

But it is necessary not to take on a leading role "on the forehead." It is impossible to say: “From today we do this!”.

This can be changed little by little. First, to understand that the questions of mom or dad “What did you do?”, “Where did you go?” cannot be answered. Instead of answers, you can joke. I do not answer the exact questions of my charges: how much do you have? where? as?

I confuse, I ask counter questions. I must take the flagpole of this flag, at the same time slowly substituting my shoulder, moving away from conflicts. Because in conflicts we immediately lose, they are useless - unless we are talking about the safety and health of a person, but even here the method of "direct frontal attack" does not work, a different approach is needed.

Getting used to a new role, you must understand that you can make a mistake, you can break loose, but in general, your policy must change. Because when a person is very old, he ceases to perceive you as a son or daughter, he begins to perceive you as a parent, guardian.

“Older parents are not our friends. Our elderly parents are our elderly parents. This is an extremely specific, special type of relationship built on the need for communication and, by its very nature, is not a pleasure, but a test. A test of our ability to help them, to love them, to respect them for who they are, and not as we wholeheartedly wish they were."

There are elderly people who, despite their advanced years and physical infirmity, are not ready to give up the status of the head of the family. They are used to making decisions, being responsible for themselves and their families, and still demand respect and submission. How to be in this case?

Yes, indeed, people in the transitional period (when they are not yet completely weak, do not yet feel like old people, but already need care) give up the reins of government with difficulty. But here it is necessary to make it clear that I will take them from you anyway for your own good.

I will be strong with you. You must be strong inside. This cannot be done by scandals, by announcing that from today you are in charge. It has to come from within, gradually. There must be a bloodless revolution in relations.

It is difficult to do this with people whom you have known for many years, with whom you have established relationships, and he understands that if he lifts a finger, everything will be the way he wants, because it has always been that way. But out of love for them, you have to try. Because you can't obey a 90-year-old man.

If you could turn back time, how would you communicate with your own parents? What would you change, having the experience that you have gained in recent years?

I would not argue with my parents and would not try to convince them.

When we are inside the situation, we look from our bell tower: how harmful, capricious our old people are, how much inconvenience they cause ...

But if we look from the inside of their experience, we will see that they are very bad. These are their last years. They are afraid of illness, their own weakness, boredom, their own uselessness and uselessness, death, in the end.

So much work is worth getting up in the morning, doing the usual things that earlier, in their youth, they were given easily and simply. And especially oppressive is the realization that it will not get better, it will only get worse.

How are you, David?
- Worse than it was, but better than it will be!

Everyone is afraid of old age in one way or another. Very many, complaining about their unbearable old people, say that they would not want to live to such an age (namely, to senile insanity and helplessness). Do you think it is possible to somehow extend your legal age? And is it possible to somehow help parents stay sane longer?

Don't know. Yes and no. Of course, if you are, as they say, active, busy, passionate about some occupation, then they say that a sound mind will remain in you longer. And so it is.

Although there is always a chance that either sends you, say, to some operation under general anesthesia, and you yourself seem to wake up, but your head will remain dormant. Or, taking a handful of pills a day, it's hard to stay sane, because many of them have negative side effects on the brain.

At this point, how lucky anyone is, although you have to try. I can also say that you should not be afraid to lose your mind in old age, if you do not want to lose it ( laughs).

What is your task when you come to class with your grandparents?

I usually work with a group of 10-11 people. The work is very hard: the people are all very good, but very sick and very old. Today, one grandfather said that he celebrated the 19th anniversary of being in a nursing home. He is 92 or 93 years old. He's still a pretty upbeat person. And when a whole group of such people comes to you, it's hard.

Old age is a relative thing. I recently asked my 96-year-old student “How are you?” replied: “Bad. I'm completely exhausted."
- When did you get sick? - I ask.
- When you got sick.
- When did you get sick?
- Half a year ago.

It is important that people understand that they did not come to you in vain. You have to run like crazy to give them something. At this stage, you give all your best, only the skin remains. And then suddenly, at some point, you feel that they have already had their fill, received their portion of positive energy and are now satisfied, their mood has improved.

With touch, playful elbowing, words, humor, you try to keep them in that state. You always speak loudly so that they hear and understand that you are present here. It works, but it is difficult to execute, as it requires a lot of energy.

- How are you, Eliyahu? - every time in the morning I ask 102-year-old Petrushka.
- It's bad, - he always answers offendedly, - today I thought not to come to you at all.
- It's good that you came! I yell into his deaf ear.
You are missing two things. My age and my illnesses, - he continues to be angry with me.
- Why are you sick?
- I can't tell you that.
Although, to tell the truth, after the lesson he goes home quite rejuvenated. For about ten years.

Why do you think these people come to you?

I am not their son or grandson. I am a labor teacher. This gives me the opportunity to arrange such hooligan workshops, where we tell, for example, rude jokes. I can scold them. Of course, I don’t put them in a corner, because it’s very difficult for some of them to get up in principle, but I often say that I’ll leave them for the second year if they continue like this. Or I promise to call my parents. Which they are very happy about. At this point, they forget how old they are. A former intelligence officer with great experience can put "horns" to the former owner of a large company.

I try to communicate at eye level. Not from the bottom up, not from the top down, but on an equal footing. Eliminate formalism. You see, it has to be a very honest communication.

- Tell me, - Meir (82 years old) told me yesterday, - do you have vodka at home?
- Why? I asked.
- To come to your senses after talking with us!
- Well, what can I say. Of course have. How else.

Despite the fact that you and your students have a very difficult time, you always talk about them with a smile, with great tenderness and warmth. How do you manage to maintain this good attitude?

How can you fight them? It's impossible. You can't come to them with an anti-charge. When I started to fight for the truth with one of my students, at the same time I was absolutely right, because I am always right ( laughs) didn't work very well.

One old woman once said to me: "Sasha, we'll leave now." Do you understand? That is, "we will leave now, because we are uncomfortable here." In no case should you be annoyed, show rage. You can play it as much as you like, but inside you need to smile. This needs to be learned.

When you begin to understand the origins, the reasons for the behavior of the elderly, which is annoying, you become invulnerable to them. If we are not invulnerable, we cannot help. We need to understand that we ourselves are in the future. Then it will be easier to communicate with them. You just have to get into this old man. Somehow like this.

© Sasha Galitsky

Interviewed by: Yulia Kovalenko

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet

“I’m still small, I’ll be 60 in six months,” the artist jokes Alexander Galitsky. Alexander has been conducting art therapy work with the elderly for many years.

Thanks to work with the elderly, he himself ceased to be afraid of old age. “And communication with older people gives, oddly enough, tremendous energy.”

Alexander Galitsky gave a series of training seminars at the Jewish Cultural Center on Nikitskaya. Here are 12 of his rules for interacting with the elderly:

1. Know the performance characteristics of your old man

“Part of our irritation and misunderstanding of old age arises from the fact that the person who is next to us is different - he sees poorly, hears poorly, walks poorly, not to mention what is inside. He only looks like us. But time flows differently.

Old people live in a different coordinate system. Try to put on heavy boots and walk in them, or open the door with a key in a shaking hand - experience what it's like to be old, ”says Alexander.

In general, the artist notes, the understanding of old age is rather vague. “My daughter was 12 years old when one of our guests, a first grader, called her 'old'. Everything in the world is relative. When I began to grow old, I went to the centennial old people and became a tsutsik again.

It all depends on health and inner feeling. One of my wards, he is 96 years old, to the question “How are you?” replied: "Yes, bad." I asked him if things had gotten bad for a long time, and he replied that since the time he got sick. "And when did you get sick?" - "Half a year ago". As you can see, at 95.5 years old, this man did not consider himself old.”

2. Help fight helplessness

Elderly people, recalls Galitsky, are constantly struggling with their infirmity. “One of my students wears a metal frame on his back that looks like a cot. Takes off only at night. She holds his spine. And another once asked me if he could sit not on the right, but on the left of a neighbor who, in his opinion, sang badly. I decided that it didn’t matter which side I was sitting on, and he replied: “I just can’t hear with my right ear anymore.” We need to try to understand and consider these things.”

3. Compassion, not pity

“Compassion and pity are two different concepts. I decided for myself that if compassion entails strength, it can even be tough and rude, then pity is a position of weakness,” says Alexander Galitsky. — I work with these people on the verge of a foul. I'm kidding".

Remember, Alexander emphasizes, they do not need us as a pitying party. And needed as a friend and comrade. Relationships should take place at eye level. Not from the bottom up and not from the top down.

From the notes of Alexander Galitsky. 90-year-old Nadezhda washes the dishes and grumbles under her breath: “They forced me to wash the dishes. In old age, this will still affect me!

Alexander Galitsky calls his wards “my children”. He remembers Yuda, a 92-year-old man living in a nursing home. He died only a month and a half ago, but for Galitsky - as if alive, the head of the art school records a lot of his "children" on video. Yuda worked on one board for a year and a half. And 15 years ago, Yuda was the headman of the Galitsky school. He prepared all the tools, material before classes. “Yuda was already holding the hammer with difficulty. The man was almost gone. They just brought him in, and he sat with a hammer in his hand. But this process itself kept him in this life. What I do is necessary in order to keep a person.

4. Steer

By many years of habit, it seems to us that our parents should and can lead our whole life, everything that happens around. But at some point we understand: we need to take the helm into our own hands.

“You don’t have to tell your parents about this. Just gradually begin to lead. By the way, older people themselves get used to consider children as their parents. “Today it’s empty here, everyone was taken apart by their parents,” says one old woman in a nursing home. And this is already the norm for them, ”says Galitsky.

Yes, old people are afraid of change. They are not immediately convinced. But then they listen - it's convenient for them. “I came up with this mantra for myself: if I go into a cage with tigers, I must be a lion. They need a successful character - only such a person can deal with them. You must broadcast well-being to them. "I will help you. You will get help." Our nervous impulses interfere with them, introduce the elderly into a state of panic. And these negative feelings come back to us in the form of aggression.”

Help them rule their lives. At the same time, broadcast only positive. “Speak not the bitter truth, but the sweet truth,” recommends Galitsky.

5. Show genuine interest

“Once one of my students, she is also over 90, a very pessimistic woman, did not come to class. I called her to find out what happened. She was amazed: “Are you calling me?! I'll be right back." She was surprised that someone needed her, that they remember her, ”says Alexander Galitsky.

Elderly people do not believe that they need someone. “They don't want to look at themselves in the mirror, they don't like themselves. Our interest in them will help our relationship."

6. Manage experiences

“For myself, I understood the psychology of the old women on the benches,” Alexander Galitsky admits. Why are they sitting there? What are they looking for or waiting for? They seek and wait for impressions. We work, we walk. And an elderly person has nowhere to gain impressions.

From the notes of Alexander Galitsky. “Haim, don’t you see that you blew half a skull off the figurine?!” “I was a sniper in 1948.”

This is where the desire of our parents to participate in our lives comes from. “This is a television in which they can take part,” the expert explains. - They need to be taken. And they need to be impressed.”

You need to get accustomed to the person, slip something to him. If you want the old man to leave early, just put him on a chair and start blowing off the dust - he won't stay long. My aunt, for example, liked to reprint Pushkin's poems on an old computer. Or another friend of mine - an 80-year-old grandmother - no longer hears anything, but swims in five styles in the pool. It is good when there is communication with grandchildren - the main thing is that this does not harm the grandchildren.

7. Farewell

“I realized that I need to learn to start every day with a clean slate. It is necessary not to drag yesterday's grievances into today, because these are the people closest to you. Once my grandfather told me: "Okay, let's forget." But I didn’t understand: how can we forget it? ”Alexander shares his memories. But only now, in adulthood, he understood why his grandfather said so.

8. Don't teach them. Don't try to change them

We all break down. But we must understand that we can no longer change much. “One girl recently wrote to me that she was annoyed that her dad champed at food. What to do? Sing. Listen to music. To endure - but not to remake a person, ”says Galitsky.

Do not return to your parents the injections that you may have experienced from them as children.

9. Don't blame yourself

“I couldn’t do something, I missed something” - many middle-aged people are tormented by these thoughts regarding their parents. “But we are not to blame. Time is to blame, ”the expert notes. And he recommends not to blame yourself.

“The reverse process - the process of aging - is always depressing. Remember the joke? The pessimist says that it can't get worse, the optimist says that you certainly can! This is what is happening before our eyes,” explains Galitsky. But we are not to blame for the aging of our loved ones.

During the aging period, people take stock of their lives. Suddenly, such memories and such things come to their mind that we did not even suspect - we did not think that they live in a person's head. “It’s like an hourglass,” Galitsky gives an example. “They were turned upside down - and what was recently disappears somewhere, and long-standing events and memories suddenly appear.”

Alexander Galitsky cites his 91-year-old student as an example. He suddenly set himself the task of carving portraits of all his relatives, children, grandchildren. He is in a hurry. Wants to have time to do everything. “We don't know how long we can make it. But we will make these portraits,” says the master. And the father-in-law of Alexander Galitsky, the commander of the mortar company, who took Berlin, suddenly began to remember the faces of those whom he sent to battle, to death. “We are not to blame for this. We can't change anything - but we can help. It will be easier for them, and for us.”

Accusations against Russia in the “Skripal case”: suspects named, London will demand their extradition. What should be the reaction of our country?

“In the Skripal case, there is an analogy with the murder Litvinenko. Everything unfolded according to approximately the same scenario - the story of the poisoning was told, however, then there were no sanctions, and the provocation failed. Since no one poisoned Litvinenko with radioactive substances, it was impossible to prove the fact of poisoning, the British then declared that they would not cooperate with the Russian side, and there is still no death certificate. Today, the situation is the same, the case comes to a standstill. What happened to Skripals? Where are they? Are they alive? We don't know at all. The British have a certain template for organizing an anti-Russian provocation, which they build in this way. This provocation was made under a certain package of sanctions in order to put pressure on Russia. We can't prove anything to anyone. They cannot win back - this is a loss of face for the entire Western press. I had, apparently, to sacrifice this unfortunate person - a woman who allegedly sprinkled herself with this spray can. Otherwise, why impose sanctions? Someone got sick. Something incomprehensible happened. There is no evidence that this is Russia either. Therefore, in this scenario, there must be death. But who is already dead? Who organized this? I think you understand everything very well, ”says the leader of the Patriots of the Great Fatherland movement. Nikolai Starikov.

The assassination of the head of the DPR Alexandra Zakharchenko is this a way to “hang up” a peaceful solution to the conflict in Donbass?

“The assassination of the head of state is beneficial to the opposing side, so talking about the economic background is indecent. This is a political assassination, the participation of American intelligence services cannot be ruled out either. I am not surprised that such versions of the cover were launched that began to explain this bloody terrorist act, this vile murder as an internal showdown. The Ukrainian media, of course, blamed Russia. There was a constant hunt for Zakharchenko, there were many assassination attempts. He needed to be more responsible for the security system. The Stars and Stripes looms behind the kill. Americans do not suffer any political, economic, military damage. They are somewhere on the sidelines, they do not officially participate even in the Minsk talks. Therefore, if the Minsk talks break down, the Americans seem to have nothing to do with it. It is absolutely impossible to prove the involvement of the Americans in the murder of Zakharchenko. This war does not bring any disadvantages to the Americans. Military ammunition, weapons, they sell to Ukraine. They themselves allocate a loan to Ukraine, and with the same allocated money they buy weapons from themselves. They are interested in this military conflict,” Nikolai Starikov is convinced.

Quite recently, an event occurred in the United States that actually completely crushed their own version of the alleged interference of Russian hackers in the election of the American president. Please comment on this event.

“There was a conference on computer security in Las Vegas. Great masters of computer science - 26 thousand people came. Young hackers from 8 to 17 years old were invited to the exhibition and given the task of hacking the website of the American elections as soon as possible. Write that 12 billion ballots were cast, that a non-existent candidate won this election. Out of 39 participants, 35 completed the task. The 11-year-old American schoolgirl, whose name is Audrey Jones. A young hacker hacked the site in 10 minutes and completed all the tasks. Conclusion - an American schoolgirl did what the CIA and FBI had been investigating for many months. Almost no one has written about it. The protection they have on their sites is such that a girl hacks in 10 minutes, ”says Nikolai Starikov, leader of the Patriots of the Great Fatherland movement.

September 3, 1945 - the day of victory over Japan in World War II. Why do we not celebrate it at all these days and, for the most part, do not remember it?

« Stalin I clearly felt the nuances and looked ahead, this day was called the Day of Victory over militaristic Japan. There are things that need to be told, shown and celebrated. The problem is that September 3rd has fallen out of our calendar. Celebrations are held in Sakhalin and the Far East, as if only they were at war with Japan, but this is not so. The victory over Japan is still unknown to us. Few people know. Emperor was captured pui, everything went off without a hitch. The result of the victory is the return of Sakhalin and the Kurills. Why don't we celebrate? Maybe we are afraid of offending Japan. Don't be ashamed of your victories! I advocate that September 3 be returned to the level of a public holiday. Today we have September 3 - the Day of Solidarity of Victims of Terrorism. This is important, of course. But one does not interfere with the other. Therefore, I joined the letter of a number of public figures asking the president to return the status of a state day. If we talk more about victories, then the mood will be better. I am in favor of having more positive news in our news,” Nikolai Starikov believes.

Sociologist Dmitry Rogozin gave a lecture at the Kazan Center for Contemporary Culture "Change" - about what old age really is, how to communicate with older people and what needs to be done to stay sane longer. The T&P website is her synopsis.

90 year olds are still very hooligans

It so happened that our old people are “invisible” people: they are “not” on the street, we often do not notice them at home, and the only thing a sociologist can do is simply show what they talk about and think, how they look. Last year a project with gerontologists was launched. Social Security gave us a list of Muscovites who are 100 years old. We came to their house and at first we were terribly complex, because in our minds even 80-year-olds seem rather old. But when one old woman of 102 years old said: “It’s better not to talk to these teenagers, let them mature first, forget about their flirting and think about the essential, about death,” my optics immediately changed.

At first we felt awkward and talked for an hour. Then I saw that people were inclined to talk longer, and it all ended with one of the last interviews lasting ten hours. On average, our conversations with the elderly lasted about three to four hours.

We started in Moscow, then went to Astrakhan, Chelyabinsk region, Khakassia. The situation is worse there: people don't go anywhere, give up and don't want to talk either with acquaintances or, moreover, with strangers. Therefore, we lowered the frame in these cities and talked to people 90+. Although, to be honest, 90-year-olds are still very hooligans and it’s hard to call them elderly.

At what age does old age begin? Perhaps an old man is one who lives with constant pain: “If I wake up and something hurts, then I am happy: it means I am alive.” However, they should not be treated as disabled, old age is not a disability. Of course, those who are 90 years old or older need care, so they have a caregiver or someone in their family who sacrifices their personal lives. Often one of the granddaughters lives with their grandmother, thereby prolonging her life.

Sometimes we go to the first house we come across. The one who agreed to the interview first convinces us for 15-20 minutes that he has nothing to tell about himself. We nod and don't leave. He starts showing the album, we ask questions, a conversation starts.

People come across different. With some it becomes uncomfortable, there is a feeling that something is wrong: someone is lying, someone is telling unpleasant stories. I think there are a lot of old people who can and should cause dislike. Artist Sasha Galitsky wrote the book "Mom, do not cry!" for middle-aged people who want to survive with old people. Sasha leads a wood carving class at an Israeli nursing home. He admits that he is also often enraged by old people, that sometimes he just screams obscenities for about 15 minutes, because it is impossible otherwise. And Sasha Galitsky says that it is extremely difficult for us to communicate with relatives, especially if it is dad or mom, who always took care of us, and now the roles have changed. Therefore, it is easier with other old people.

Some tell such stories that novels can not be read

The material that has fallen upon us is much more than what can be expressed in words. This stopped us from theoretical generalizations: the fate of each person is unique and fascinates with drama. I will telegraph one story: a girl falls in love with a young man, he is from a Jewish family, studies history and loves her. She goes to her grandmother in Riga, where she meets a sailor who conquers her. He soon leaves her, and she gives birth to a child from him, marries another. At the age of 70, the one from the historical one finds her: she lives in Ivanovo, she has a second marriage, again unsuccessful. And he never married, made a fantastic career in Germany. I searched, sought her and found her through the FSB. First they talk on the phone, then he goes to her, but already in Moscow he dies. It is so soul-savingly told, there is nothing here that a young woman would have: “I am such a fool, I ruined myself.” She can't say that because she has another whole life. And she tells all this calmly, evenly, and you sit and roar.

Old people give almost no advice, their advice comes from the story - such an all-consuming tolerance. You can talk to them about anything. Here you try to talk with 30-40-year-olds about homosexuality. And with old people - easily.

In the process of work, we encountered a phenomenon that we called the objectification of old age: we perceive our help to the elderly in such a way that we are ready to take care exclusively of the body of the old man: to buy medicines, bring food, buy diapers. Because of this, we have a lot of lonely elderly people, even in complete families. The situation is aggravated by the fact that if a person is over 90, then he often can no longer watch TV, read and listen, so he has an additional need for communication.

I was struck by an example with one old woman. She is quite mobile, but, of course, she may feel dizzy, she may fall. In the apartment, however, she herself was busy in the kitchen. She has a nurse, relatives, she lives in a prestigious area of ​​Moscow. Everything was fine, I asked her about life and casually asked when she last went out into the street. It turned out that she had been sitting at home for ten years. It didn't occur to anyone around her that she needed to go out. It shows how we all feel about old age. To some extent, our attitude reflects this terrible chancellery, which our officials love to flaunt - "the age of survival." And most importantly, we all do not know how to talk to the elderly.

I was also surprised that there were almost no books in the homes of the elderly. Once I was talking to a woman who is about a hundred years old, in front of her huge library. At some point, she ran her hand over the books with pain and said that she could not read, that she knew all these roots, because she worked as a librarian, but now she wants to give it all away. And then she said that she had recently been sent a book and it was a great happiness. She handed me the Gospel, it was in large and bold type. And I realized that our whole book world itself alienated the elderly from reading. It turns out that it is not they who become isolated and do not want to live, but we ourselves cut them off from the accessible environment. You immediately think about the tablet, where you can change the font. But I haven't seen 90 year olds wielding a tablet.

The main problem is not that our old people are poor or underserved by medicine, although all this is present, but that they are totally alone. Old people, like all of us, need a simple conversation. It is important that there is not just a nurse nearby who receives money and leaves, but someone who understands that love is determined not by words about what is right and proper, but by irony and laughter, maybe sometimes shouting and swearing. Oddly enough, many old people complain that they have no one to quarrel with, everyone takes them extremely seriously, especially if they have an apartment on Tverskaya.

Old people openly talk about the darkest sides of life

The memory of the elderly is selective. They forget yesterday, but they remember in detail how their father addressed them, what kind of shirt he wore. We can learn one amazing thing from old people, we called it "nonlinear perception of time." As a rule, when old people start talking about the past, then about the present, constantly skipping, we attribute this to dementia. In fact, they have events that happened 40 years ago, and events that happened yesterday or the day before yesterday, are on the same timeline. This is a different view of reality. All of us are still pulling the strap of a linear perception of life. No matter how much we want to be innovators, we still have a kindergarten, a school, a university; no matter how young people say that they want to study further, as a rule, the majority go to work after graduation. This is linearity. When you start talking with old people, you understand that this linearity is false, predetermined by our social relations. In a conversation with them, you realize that there is no difference between personal life and public life, between work and love relationships.

Old people talk about everything directly. They frankly talk about the darkest aspects of life - infidelity, abortion, betrayal. Moreover, this conversation is not built on accusations, as in 40-year-olds. Older people have a detachment from the situation and the opportunity to experience their life as a real drama.

Old people help us understand ourselves. We run around the world, trying to build a successful career, chasing our own love, creating additional conditions for our children, and do not notice that all this is not the main thing. In conversations with old people, it is striking that they seriously ask the questions “Who am I?” and "What am I living for?" Moreover, these questions are more relevant for people of faith. For myself, I explain this by the fact that faith provides a description and a language to talk about death.

It is not the old people who are not ready to talk about death, but we ourselves

The most important element of the conversation about old age is the theme of death. Somewhere after 60 thoughts about this come regularly to almost everyone. And if a person is 90, then he actually lives with death. The loss of a close relative hits the emotions and blocks any thoughts. But when the old man has many more who have left than those who have remained, then reflections on death become relevant and allow him to realize this life.

We usually approach our death irresponsibly, at best we collect money. And in Romania or Poland, you can go to the cemetery and see monuments with open dates. The person who does this thinks like this: “What can we hope for relatives? They will put some rubbish, and I will make a chic thing with my own money.

Death is one of the most unpopular and difficult topics. Moreover, it is not the old people who are not ready to talk about death, but we ourselves. When, during the research, I thought that it was time to talk about death, I still could not start: I walked, toiled, asked, nothing worked. I shared this with one girl, she said: “What is wrong here? It's common to talk about death. You just ask them first if they want to talk about it.” And we did ask at first, "Can I ask you two questions about death?" And then they were already interested in whether they think about their death, often or rarely, and whether they are preparing for it. 80% of people answered yes to the first question. We started to look at what was wrong with 20%, and it turned out that these 80% and 20% do not differ from each other either by gender, or by age, or by education - and in the end, even by health, although this was a good hypothesis. It turned out that the interviewer was not ready to talk about death in the first place: he stuttered, made excuses. Only professional interviewers got to the question, who conducted this conversation evenly and calmly, and sometimes even with grins, because death must be spoken of in an ironic manner.

“Oddly enough, many old people complain that they have no one to quarrel with, everyone takes them extremely seriously, especially if they have an apartment on Tverskaya”

I ask old people when they talked about death with relatives, and they usually say never, because as soon as they start talking about it, they are immediately told that they will live a long time. This leads to a catastrophic thing - total loneliness.

Studies on death say that a person first dies socially - renounces life, and then the body leaves physically. Our consciousness is much more powerful than the body, and the only way we can spin it, add fuel, is communication. At age, the termination of life is more due to external factors.

There are those who talk longingly about life: "I'm tired, live with mine, I don't know why I live." Such people leave quickly. About a third of the people we spoke to are already dead.

And religion is not a panacea. There are people who talk about their principled atheism, but if a 90-year-old person has repeatedly encountered inexplicable phenomena that affect his life, he involuntarily begins to think: "There must be something." If we talk about pure religiosity, then people over 80 are cut off from this. None of the churches practices home work. Therefore, even if in the past they regularly attended the temple, now they become self-willed believers.

It is much more interesting to talk about sex with old people than with young people.

Some old people know how to laugh at themselves and tell jokes on the verge of a foul, removing animal seriousness. This is especially important when talking about sexual relations, this topic can only be told through the breakdown of intergenerational differences. It is much more interesting to talk about sex with old people than with young people. So, one granny giggled and said: "You know, to be honest, real sex does not begin until after 50." An 86-year-old man who lost his wife said they had regular sex until they were 70. Then she died, he went blind. And after some time, he “made friends” with her friend.

Oddly enough, intimacy, sexuality is primarily a conversation, and we learn to talk about it only with age. A person with limitations feels his physicality more sharply. I remember well the dawns when I was sick and choked with a cough. In the elderly, according to the same principle, other sense organs are more clearly manifested. And sexuality is in the head, and the old people manage to make this picture so bright that all past "exploits" fade in front of her.

In Russia, the topic of sexuality, like death, is taboo. And so much so that it is even strange to assume that the old man had at least some fantasies about it. In the West, intimacy rooms are designed in nursing homes, and if intimacy leads to a couple, then people are transferred to a joint room. The manifestation of sexuality is strongly supported, as it raises self-esteem and improves the perception of life. In our country, at a conference on the situation with nursing homes, a psychologist spoke who described the problem as follows: crazy old people pester the staff in a completely vulgar way, it is impossible to work. The nurses confirmed this, they said that they should be isolated.

Lovers of stationery talk about continuing education. In fact, after 35 years, only a few are able to perceive something new. So we asked the 50+ audience two questions: are people their age capable of learning and are they capable of learning themselves. Few people responded negatively. But many said that no one needs it. There is an idea that old age, retirement is a time of rest. You have worked for the country, now it's time to rest. Lack of demand blocks learning. In fact, the need for training and real abilities in old age do not go anywhere. Even if manual work becomes inaccessible with age, the skill remains, there is something to convey.

By the way, the value of manual labor among the elderly is simply fantastic. Today, it seems that the best career path for the modern worker is to stop being a worker, get a higher education, and go somewhere. And the elderly have many stories when people with higher education switched to working specialties, it was a social norm: a worker in Soviet times received more bosses. Old people teach the aesthetics of full-cycle work.

Education is truly continuous, but not because our government issued another decree, but because it is a human need. And among the elderly, it is suppressed by the social environment, of which we ourselves are a part. Many people age very quickly. These 45-year-olds who don't have sex - why aren't they old? Sex, work and education are extremely important things.

Long live not those who are healthy, but those who know how to live with their pain

There is such a myth: healthy old age is in the fresh air. Now this is not so. Old age, oddly enough, is healthier in megacities: there is care, medicines. In Moscow, 90-year-olds receive a decent pension, they often have good living space. There is great interest in such grandmothers from relatives - if there are no relatives, then there are always distant ones who are interested in their fate.

Another myth is that those who are engaged in physical education live long. When we talk with centenarians, it turns out that many of them were given a very bad diagnosis in childhood, they were then told, God forbid, live to be 25 years old. Long live not those who are healthy, but those who know how to live with their pain. Pain allows you to be more attentive to your body.