How to support a person in a difficult situation: advice from psychologists. Help, support

Tim Lawrence, a psychotherapist and journalist, wrote an article in which he talks about how you can really help a person experiencing grief. He warns that you need to be more careful with common phrases that are usually uttered for support - they can hurt even more.

We are publishing an article by Tim, who himself experienced the loss of loved ones at a young age and knows what we really need in difficult times.

I listen to a psychotherapist friend of mine talk about his patient. A woman was in a terrible accident, she is in constant pain and her limbs are paralyzed. I've heard this story ten times already, but one thing always shocks me. He told the poor woman that the tragedy had led to positive changes in her life.

“Everything in life happens for a reason,” these are his words. It amazes me how deeply ingrained this platitude is, even among psychotherapists. These words hurt and hurt cruelly. He wants to say that the incident forces the woman to grow spiritually. And I think this is complete nonsense. The accident broke her life and destroyed her dreams - that's what happened and there is absolutely nothing good about it.

Most importantly, this mindset prevents us from doing the only thing we should do when we are in trouble: grieve. My teacher Megan Devine says it well: “Some things in life cannot be fixed. This can only be experienced".

We grieve not only when someone close to us dies. We indulge in sadness when loved ones pass away, when hopes are dashed, when a serious illness strikes. The loss of a child and the betrayal of a loved one cannot be corrected - it can only be experienced.

If you are in trouble and someone tells you the following well-worn phrases: “everything that doesn’t happen is for the best”, “this will make you better and stronger”, “it was predestined”, “nothing happens for nothing”, “you need to take responsibility for your life”, “everything will be fine” - you can safely cross this person out of your life.

When we say things like this to our friends and family, even with the best of intentions, we are denying them the right to mourn, be sad, and be sad. I myself have experienced a huge loss, and I am haunted every day by the guilt that I am still alive, but my loved ones are no longer alive. My pain didn't go away, I just learned how to channel it through working with patients and understand them better.

But under no circumstances would it have occurred to me to say that this tragedy was a gift of fate that helped me grow spiritually and professionally. To say this is to trample on the memory of loved ones whom I lost too early, and those who faced a similar misfortune, but could not cope with it. And I'm not going to pretend that it was easy for me because I'm strong, or that I became "successful" because I was able to "take charge of my life."

Modern culture treats grief as a problem to be fixed, or as a disease to be cured. We do everything to drown out, repress our pain or somehow transform it. And when you suddenly face misfortune, the people around you turn into walking platitudes.

So what should you say to friends and family who are in trouble, instead of “everything in life is not accidental”? The last thing a person crushed by misfortune needs is advice or guidance. The most important thing is understanding.

Literally say the following: “I know you’re hurting. I am here with you".

This means that you are willing to be there and suffer with your loved one - and this is incredibly powerful support.

There is nothing more important for people than understanding. It does not require any special skills or training, it is simply a willingness to be nearby and stay nearby as long as necessary.

Stay close. Just be there, even when you feel uncomfortable or feel like you're not doing anything useful. In fact, it is precisely when you are uncomfortable that you should make an effort to stay close.

“I know you're hurting. I'm near".

We so rarely allow ourselves to enter this gray zone - the zone of horror and pain - but this is where the roots of our healing lie. It begins when there are people who are ready to go there with us.

I ask you to do this for your loved ones. You may never know it, but your help will be invaluable. And if you ever get into trouble, find someone willing to be there for you. I guarantee he will be found.

Everyone else can go.

Sometimes supporting a person in difficult times means saving his life. Both close and unfamiliar people may find themselves in a difficult situation. Absolutely anyone can provide help and support - moral, physical or material. To do this, you need to know which phrases and actions are the most significant. Timely help and sincere words will help a person return to their previous lifestyle and survive what happened.

SHOCK! They are testing a unique robot. He can earn money for your apartment and car! watch >>

Show all

Helping people in difficult situations

There are many situations in a person’s life that require psychological, moral and even physical help. In this case, the presence of people is necessary - relatives, friends, acquaintances or just strangers. The degree of emotional closeness and duration of acquaintance does not matter.

To support a person, it is not necessary to have a special education; a sincere desire to help and a sense of tact are enough. After all, correctly chosen and sincere words can change a person’s attitude towards the current situation.

How to learn to trust a man

Shared experience



How to cheer up a guy

Understanding

A person in trouble should know that he is understood. It is very important to have a like-minded person nearby during this period. If the situation is related to the loss of a loved one or a job, remembering a personal example will be the most effective medicine. It is recommended to tell how difficult it was during this period and how successfully everything ended in the end. But you shouldn’t focus on your heroism and quick solutions to problems. You just need to say that everyone has such problems, and a friend will definitely cope with them too.



How to deal with anxiety

All will pass

You need to convince the person that you need to wait a little, and it will become much easier. The knowledge that everything will be fine will create an atmosphere of security and peace.

Guilt

In difficult times, it is common for a person to blame himself for all troubles. He tries to shift responsibility for actions to which he has nothing to do. In this case, the task of close people is to dissuade the person from this. Try to refute all possible positive outcomes of the situation. If there is still a person’s fault in what happened, you need to try to make amends for it. It is recommended to find words that will help convince a person to ask for forgiveness, which is necessary for his own good.

Solution

A direct question about how you can help a person in this situation will be very effective. You can offer your own solutions without waiting for his request. Sincere interest and taking action will make you feel supported.

Under no circumstances should you use the phrases: “forget”, “don’t worry”, “don’t cry”, “it’s even better”. Attempts to “bring him to his senses” with the help of shouting, accusations and sudden movements will lead nowhere. Such “help” can lead to aggravation of the situation.

How to support the man you love

Representatives of the stronger sex try to restrain their emotions, so most often they withdraw into themselves. This makes the experience even stronger, and a mental wound brings not only psychological distress, but also physical pain. The girl at this moment should be as attentive and caring as possible, but in no case intrusive.

If your husband has problems at work, which are accompanied by material losses, it is necessary to say the most important words for a man: “Money cannot affect our relationship in any way. I will always be there." This should be said as calmly as possible, with a smile and tenderness. Excessive emotionality or nervousness will confirm a man’s fears that the relationship is purely mercantile in nature.

If the problems are related to relationships in the work team or relatives, an assurance that the girl is on the guy’s side would be appropriate. He has no need to reproach himself and feel guilty. The woman he loves completely shares his point of view and will do everything necessary to resolve the situation successfully. It doesn’t hurt to tell the man that he is strong and will definitely cope with problems. Self-esteem will not allow him not to live up to the expectations placed on him. SMS with words of love or poetry during the working day will cheer him up. An example of such a message:




Words of support for the woman you love

To help the woman you love, you should start with affection and tenderness, the essence of the problem does not matter. First of all, you need to hug, kiss and calm her down. The most necessary words at this moment will be: “Calm down, I’m here and I love you. Trust me". Then you can continue hugging, drink tea and wait for complete calm. Only after this is it recommended to calmly understand the situation, making sure to take the side of the woman you love.

Help should be provided, both moral and physical. You may have to talk to the offenders, sort things out, and take some action. In a word - shift some of the work onto yourself. Feeling a strong man's shoulder and real help, any girl will calm down, no matter how difficult the situation may be. A small gift, a trip to a restaurant or theater will quickly return her to her former life. Phone calls during the day, SMS in the form of words of love and support in prose or poetry will be very appropriate. An example of such a message:




How to comfort a sick person

Support for a sick person can be provided in the form of words and actions. But this is not always possible, since people may be at a distance from each other.

Good words

The most valuable way to help a suffering person is through words of encouragement. To calm the patient, you can:

• Speak words about love. They must be repeated sincerely, with genuine participation. By voicing the phrase: “I love you very much and will always be there,” you can calm the person and create an atmosphere of security.
• To compliment. Sick people are very vulnerable, so they listen to every word and gesture of those around them. Comments about the most minor changes in appearance for the better will sound like compliments. Even if these changes do not exist, it is recommended to mention their presence. A sick person is unable to perceive reality objectively. In the case of oncology, this will give the sufferer hope for a miracle; in the case of a severe non-fatal illness, it will speed up recovery.
• Praise. A sick person should be praised for every little thing, even for eating a spoon or a sip of water. A positive attitude will contribute to a speedy recovery or relief of the patient’s condition.
• Maintain at a distance. A phone call or Skype conversation would be appropriate. It is very important for the patient to hear a familiar voice and see a familiar face. Further actions will be constant SMS, written poems, sent pictures and all those things that the patient likes. But the most significant phrase will be: “I’m already on my way.”
• Talk about abstract topics. It is worth moving away from boring topics and giving preference to light and cheerful ones. We must try to remember an interesting story, an anecdote, or tell funny news. You can try to discuss neutral topics: a book you read, a movie, a recipe for a dish - anything that interests the patient at least a little.

Forbidden words

Some phrases can harm a sick person. You should not talk about the following topics:

• Disease. You should not discuss symptoms, look for their confirmation, or give similar examples from the lives of people you know. The only exceptions can be happy cases of successful healing.
• Friends' reaction. A sick person does not necessarily need to know what reaction his illness has caused in others. If anyone is moved by this, let him visit him personally (do not notify him in advance, since the visit may be disrupted and the patient will be disappointed). A smart solution would be to simply say hi and share news about someone you know.
• Personal impression. There is absolutely no need to tell what reaction the illness caused in the helping person or nearby relatives. Trying to demonstrate your compassion, you can upset the patient even more, since he has become the culprit of the worries and continues to torment his loved ones with his situation.
• Distance. If terrible news about a loved one’s illness has reached them far from them, the best decision would be to immediately hit the road. It is necessary to inform about this. Resolution of issues, negotiations with superiors regarding departure and other problems should remain secret. The patient should not know about matters that may be more important than him. If it is not possible to come, then you can refer to the lack of tickets, bad weather and other factors. Here a lie will be to your salvation, since waiting can prolong the patient’s life.
• A pity. If the disease is fatal, the pity of loved ones will constantly remind you of this, causing a bad mood and deterioration in well-being. If the disease is not so serious, then there is a risk of its complications, since the patient will think that something is not being told to him. Sometimes the patient may have a reluctance to recover, since constant pity causes addiction and even feigning.

Helpful Actions

Correct actions towards the patient contribute to recovery or can alleviate the course of the disease:

• Care. Some patients require constant care because they cannot do anything on their own. But even if a person does not need intensive care, attention and care will only benefit him. It would be appropriate to simply offer to lie down and make tea. Good help would be cleaning the apartment or preparing dinner. The main thing is to correctly assess the situation and help only if necessary. You should not forcibly remove the patient from his usual duties by persistently sending him to rest. Sometimes it’s enough just to be there and allow you to take care of yourself. This will allow the sick person to forget about his illness for a while and feel needed.
• Abstraction. It is useful to distract the patient from medical procedures and conversations about pills. If a person has the opportunity to move, it is necessary to persuade him to take a walk in the fresh air. You can visit some events, exhibitions, museums, creative evenings, etc. The changed appearance should not be a hindrance; the main task will be to convince the patient that now positive emotions are much more important than the perception of others.

Condolences after the passing of a loved one

The irreparable loss of loved ones causes severe suffering that a person cannot cope with without outside help. In order to provide the necessary support in a timely manner, it is recommended to familiarize yourself with the main phases of the emotional state in this situation:

• Shock. May last from a few minutes to several weeks. The inability to perceive reality is accompanied by a lack of control over emotions. Attacks may be accompanied by a violent manifestation of grief or complete inaction with stony calm and detachment. The person does not eat anything, does not sleep, does not talk and hardly moves. At this moment he needs psychological help. A reasonable decision would be to leave him alone, not to impose your care, not to try to force feed or drink, or start a conversation with him. You just need to be there, hug, take your hand. It is important to closely monitor the reaction. Do not start conversations on the topic: “if only we had known earlier, we had time, etc.” It is no longer possible to return anything, so you should not provoke feelings of guilt. There is no need to talk about the deceased in the present tense, to remember his torment. It is not recommended to make plans for the future: “everything is ahead, you will still have time, you will find more, life goes on...”. It would be much better to help with organizing the funeral, cleaning, and cooking.
• Experience. This period ends after two months. At this time, the person is a little slow, has poor orientation, almost cannot concentrate, and every extra word or gesture can make him cry. The feeling of a lump in the throat and sad memories prevent you from falling asleep, and there is no appetite. Memories of the deceased cause feelings of guilt, idealization of the image of the deceased or aggression towards him. During this period, you can support a person with kind words about the deceased. Such behavior will confirm a positive attitude towards the deceased person and will become the basis for a general feeling about his death. There is no need to give examples of other people who have experienced even greater grief. This will be perceived as tactless and disrespectful. Walking, simple activities, and a simple release of emotions in the form of joint tears will be very effective. If a person wants to be alone, do not disturb him. At the same time, you need to constantly be in touch, call or write messages.
• Awareness. This phase tends to end a year after the loss. A person may still suffer, but he already realizes the irreversibility of the situation. He gradually enters his usual routine, and it becomes possible to concentrate on work issues or everyday problems. Attacks of unbearable mental pain are becoming less frequent. During this period, he had almost returned to normal life, but the bitterness of loss was still present. Therefore, it is necessary to unobtrusively introduce him to new types of activities and recreation. This needs to be done as tactfully as possible. You should control your words and be understanding of possible deviations from his usual behavior.
• Recovery. A person fully recovers a year and a half after the loss. Acute pain is replaced by quiet sadness. Memories are not always accompanied by tears; it becomes possible to control emotions. A person tries to take care of loved ones, living people, but he still needs the help of a true friend.

If the described phases are delayed in time or do not take place, it is necessary to urgently seek help from specialists. This condition is dangerous and can lead to serious illnesses.

How often do your girlfriends come to you for advice after their boyfriends decide to break up with them? In any case, in order not to ruin their life, you need to know how to support the unfortunate one. We will tell you what should be done to console a girl, what you can say to her if her boyfriend has abandoned her. In this article you will also find a list of forbidden phrases that can only ruin everything. You will learn what not to do and why.

Here's what you can do to console the unfortunate person and help her get over what happened:

1. Listen to your friend and do not interrupt her during a difficult story.
2. Show maximum attentiveness, prove to the girl that there is maximum mutual understanding in your relationship.
3. Emphasize that breaking up was the right decision and that resurrecting this relationship will not lead to anything good.
4. Say that she can rely on you, that she can call or come to visit at any time of the day.

The first thing a girl with a broken heart needs is support. She must understand that her friends are nearby and accept any of her decisions, regardless of its correctness.

You should also refrain from moralizing advice. The girl herself made such a serious decision, so she will be able to overcome the problems that arose in connection with this.

To calm down a friend whose boyfriend has decided to leave her, she needs to be distracted from her problems. You can try going to a club or a movie together. The less a girl is alone, the sooner sad thoughts will leave her.

What to say if a guy dumped her

Despite the fact that the breakup has already occurred, the girl may still doubt the correctness of the decision made. The task of friends in this situation is to support a friend with motivating phrases. The following options are best for this:

• “You did everything right”, “You did the right thing”
• “Don’t be upset, this is not the last man on Earth”, “You are beautiful and smart, so you can easily find a new guy”
• “He’s not worth your tears”, “He’s not worth your suffering”
• “I will always support you”, “Call me at any time, I will try to help.”

During the conversation, you need to emphasize that the girl did everything right, that a difficult decision in the future will make her life better. It is important for many ladies to know that they are attractive and will be able to build a new relationship without any problems.

The task of a caring friend is to emphasize all the advantages of separation, to ensure that depression gradually moves aside.

There is no need to be overly zealous either, because the couple can still get together, and the friends’ phrases that the decision was right will later come to the surface.

Is everything good in your personal life? You can always do even better! Here you can find out which ones. The most interesting options are collected here, in addition, you will find out when they are relevant and when not.

What you should never say under any circumstances

If a couple who has been together for quite a long time breaks up, friends will have to choose which side they are on. The worst solution in this case is to support both. Sooner or later, such support will come out, and the man and woman will be upset that their friends played on two fronts. What other phrases will be destructive in this case?

1. “It’s your own fault” is the worst phrase you can say to a friend after a breakup.
2. “He is handsome, and he will find someone else without any problems,” “You didn’t deserve him.”
3. “I think you did the wrong thing,” “You made a mistake.”
4. “You will never be able to have a relationship like this again.”

Any phrases that can hit a girl’s pride and emphasize the wrongness of her decision should be thrown out of her head. Even if it seems to you that your friend made the wrong decision or lost her temper, you definitely shouldn’t talk about it openly. Gradually, she herself will come to this conclusion, and then she will be able to change something.

Taboo - inviting a friend to have a glass or two. You should not get rid of depression with alcohol.

The task of friends is to support a friend with a broken heart and rescue her from depression for the sake of future happiness. A girl should break up with a guy not in words, but in deeds, let him go.

In life we ​​often face various obstacles. This could be job loss, illness, death of a family member, financial troubles. At such a moment, it is difficult for a person to find the strength to move on. He so needs support at this moment, a friendly shoulder, warm words. How to choose the right words of support that can really help a person in difficult times?

Expressions that should not be used

There are a number of common phrases that first come to mind when you need to support someone. It's better not to say these words:

1. Don't worry!

1. Everything will work out! Everything will be fine!

At a time when the world has collapsed, this sounds like a mockery. The man is faced with the fact that he does not know how to solve his problem. He needs to think about how to fix everything. He is not sure that the situation will turn out in his favor and he will be able to stay afloat. So, how will the empty statement that everything will work out help? Such words sound even more blasphemous if your friend has lost a loved one.

1. Do not Cry!

Tears are the body's natural way of coping with stress. You need to let the person cry, speak out, and give free rein to their emotions. He will feel better. Just hug and be close.

1. There is no need to give examples of people who are even worse off

A person who has lost his job and has nothing to feed his family does not care at all that children are starving somewhere in Africa. Anyone who has just learned of a serious diagnosis is not very interested in cancer mortality statistics. You should also not give examples that relate to mutual friends.

When trying to support a loved one, remember that at the moment he is morally depressed by his problem. You need to carefully select your expressions so as not to accidentally offend or touch on a sore subject. Let's figure out how to support a person.

Words that will help you survive the turning point

When our loved ones find themselves in difficult situations, we are lost and often do not know how to behave. But words spoken at the right moment can inspire, console, and restore faith in oneself. The following phrases will help you feel your support:

1. We will get through this together.

In difficult times, it is important to know that you are not alone. Let your loved one feel that you are not indifferent to his grief and that you are ready to share all the difficulties with him.

1. I understand how you feel.

When you are in trouble, it is important to be heard. It's good to have someone nearby who understands you. If you have found yourself in a similar situation, tell us about it. Share your thoughts and emotions at that moment. But there is no need to tell how you heroically dealt with the situation. Just let them know that you have been in your friend’s shoes. But you got through it and he will get through it too.

1. Time will pass and it will become easier.

Indeed, this is a fact. We no longer even remember many of the troubles in life that happened to us a year or two ago. All troubles remain in the past. Sooner or later we find a replacement for a betrayed friend or unhappy love. Financial problems are also gradually being resolved. You can find a new job, pay off a loan, cure an illness or alleviate its symptoms. Even sadness from the death of a loved one passes over time. It is important to survive the moment of shock and move on.

1. You've been in worse situations. And nothing, you did it!

Surely your friend has already faced obstacles in life and found a way out of them. Remind him that he is a strong, courageous person and is capable of solving any problem. Cheer him up. Show him that he can survive this difficult moment with dignity.

1. It's not your fault what happened.

The feeling of guilt for what happened is the first thing that prevents you from looking at the situation soberly. Let your loved one know that this is how the circumstances developed and anyone else could have been in his place. There is no point in looking for those responsible for the trouble; you need to try to solve the problem.

1. Is there anything I can do for you?

Perhaps your friend needs help, but doesn't know who to turn to. Or he doesn't feel comfortable saying it. Take the initiative.

1. Tell him that you admire his endurance and fortitude.

When a person is morally depressed by difficult circumstances, such words inspire. They are able to restore a person’s faith in their own strength.

1. Don't worry, I'll be right there!

These are the most important words that each of us wants to hear at a turning point. Everyone needs someone close and understanding nearby. Don't leave your loved one alone!

Help your friend approach the situation with humor. Every drama has a little comedy. Defuse the situation. Laugh together at the girl who dumped him, or at the pompous director who fired him from his job. This will allow you to look at the situation in a more optimistic light. After all, everything can be solved and corrected while we are alive.

The best support is to be there

The main thing we say is not with words, but with our actions. A sincere hug, a timely handkerchief or napkin, or a glass of water can say more than you think.

Transfer some of the household issues to yourself. Provide all possible assistance. After all, at the moment of shock, a person is not even able to cook dinner, go to the grocery store, or pick up children from kindergarten. If your friend has lost a family member, help with funeral arrangements. Make the necessary arrangements and just be there.

Gently shift the person's attention to something mundane that is not related to their grief. Keep him busy with something. Invite to the cinema, order pizza. Find a reason to get outside and take a walk.

Sometimes silence is better than any, even the most sincere words. Listen to your friend, let him speak, express his emotions. Let him talk about his pain, about how confused and depressed he is. Don't interrupt him. Let him say his problem out loud as many times as necessary. This will help you look at the situation from the outside and see solutions. And you just be close to your loved one in a difficult moment for him.

Olga, St. Petersburg