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What should be the child. How to be the perfect daughter What does a good mother mean to you

Who are you trying for?

Today, being a mother is much more difficult than a hundred years ago or even in the USSR. Although there are so many devices and items designed to help in raising babies. It is more difficult, first of all, because young parents receive a lot of conflicting information.

To figure out what to do with children, young mothers begin to read thematic forums and face an incredible amount of reproaches and aggression from women against those who do it differently than they do. How dare you, even in your thoughts, allow artificial feeding? What does "suddenly there will be no milk" mean? Generate milk with the power of thought, otherwise we will betray you in a crowd to a public execution for a bottle! Here is an approximate intensity of passions with which the timid question of infant feeding options is discussed on the mother forums. And similar emotions and aggressive attacks pour on every woman there, if she dares to ask or discuss what worries her.

And it would be fine only on mom's forums - women are constantly built on the line and forced to obey some unwritten "sectarian" rules, superstitions and pointers of completely foreign aunts demanding "to be a good mother." Who set the standards? Who even gave them the right to demand anything? These questions are rarely asked. Moms become embarrassed for their selfishness, and they do not know what else to give to the child, they are trying to become ideal parents. As a result, they only harm themselves and their children.

I seriously prepared for the birth of my first daughter - I read articles on the Internet, bought up all the magazines and books about parenthood that were on sale. That is, I approached the issue responsibly, I wanted to be an ideal mother. And then, quite unexpectedly, I found out that, having devoted all my time to a child, I lose myself, lose my husband's respect and social significance. It turned out that no one respects a mother for taking care of a child.

Mom must be nice

Mom should not be perfect and should not condemn herself for not giving enough, not doing it, has no right, and in general, it is harmful for the child. Mom should be healthy and well-rested. Satiated and able to keep her eyes open without matches between her eyelids.

It was very unpleasant when, some time after the birth of a child, I was about to go to the mall with a friend to buy clothes for myself, to which my husband asked why I need clothes if I still constantly sit at home. This was the first "bell", and after a few months I realized that my world closed on a child - I had fewer interests, I began to think worse. I realized that the intensive early development of the child is, of course, good, but no one has ever done this - the child has always organically integrated into the life of the family. No one refused to work or social life, from communication with her husband in order to take care of the baby.

It is useful to give up once and for all the dream of becoming an ideal mother, because it is impossible to achieve peace in the race for the title of "perfect mother". The mythical ideal mother breastfeeds the child for every squeak, depriving the baby of the chance to get really hungry and generally understand that in this life you need to achieve something, ask, wait. The ideal mother diligently raises a weak-willed, impatient, capricious child who is used to getting food and being silent at the first sound.

The mythical ideal mother breastfeeds the child for every squeak, depriving the baby of the chance to get really hungry and generally understand that in this life you need to achieve something, ask, wait.

The ideal mother floods the child with toys that she did not have in her "tin" childhood. As a result, the child does not appreciate her efforts and does not learn to handle objects carefully, because he does not understand the meaning of loss. The ideal mother does not allow situations in which the child will be upset, burst into tears or offended. And the baby grows up infantile, lazy, irresponsible and spineless. He lives all his life with his mother, unable to tear himself away from her warm chest. Do you need it?

The perfect mom is your own enemy

In addition, the mother, who unsuccessfully strives to be perfect, begins to doubt herself, reproach for the fact that she made a mistake today, didn’t finish yesterday, and the day before yesterday she fell asleep ahead of time, unable to withstand the regime! The ideal mother safely comes to the finish of the maternity marathon with a full bouquet of symptoms of emotional burnout. And she quietly hates the child, and her husband, and colleagues who do not recognize her and press against the walls when they meet, because a woman behaves unpredictably and inadequately. And there is no reasonable explanation for her behavior.

The ideal mother safely comes to the finish of the maternity marathon with a full bouquet of symptoms of emotional burnout.

What is the outcome? Do you want to show off on forums and tell what a good mom you are? Okay, let's say everyone looked. We admired, envied, and then what? Has the benefit increased? Has your relationship with your child improved? No. Nothing happened, except that you tortured yourself and hated the child and motherhood.

A few months after the birth of my first child, I decided that I needed to return to a normal social life and found a nanny. Just at that time, I went to study psychology, began to return to my interests, restore my social significance, get rid of financial dependence on my husband. It came to the realization that sacrificing your entire life to serve a child was an imposed idea, and an absurd one at that.

By the way, at that time I wrote posts in LiveJournal, and from time to time women reacted aggressively to them, arguing that they needed to sacrifice their lives for the sake of a child. Most often, these were women who were not socially realized - without higher education, careers dependent on their husbands. Feeling their powerless position, they proved on the Internet that their sacrifice was correct. In society, however, no one is respected for being a wife or mother. Society respects for social achievements, influence, for the fact that people benefit from our activities.

Unrealistic requirements

When I read the requirements that apply to "good moms", my hair moves. It's physically impossible! It's stupid to even try to jump above the ceiling, breaking through his head. I would advise you to sensibly weigh each requirement from the point of view of the sobriety of the author's mind. It is impossible to work with concentration when a child is alive, active and climbing everywhere. It is impossible to sleep in snatches, wake up at every squeak and get enough sleep. It is impossible to have time to redo all household chores, cook with a baby in a sling, blog and write a dissertation in the evenings.

Miracles don't happen

From life experience, I can also say that it is not always necessary to spend a lot of money on a nanny. For example, my friend posted a babysitter ad in her house, and two pensioners and a student girl responded to it. That is, for little money, she got the opportunity to leave the child and go about her business.

The task is simple - to stop building an ideal mother out of yourself. By and large, the child does not care who changed his diaper, who cleaned the house or washed the floors, cooked food. In many countries it is accepted that this is done by hired nannies, and this has not prevented anyone from growing up to be a wonderful person. Many scared me that a stranger would not be able to love a child like a mother. This is a controversial statement - if you look at many mothers in playgrounds, you can see that many are under stress and break down on children. Moreover, they break down when the hired nanny, who does her job, remains calm.

By and large, the child does not care who changed his diaper, who cleaned the house or washed the floors, cooked food.

A woman has the same 24 hours in a day, and when she tries to be the perfect mother, she sacrifices professional self-realization, social status, and sometimes education. As a result, after a few years it turns out that the children went to school, and they no longer need their mother so much, and by this time the woman had already lost all her skills and business qualities, and she had to recover almost from scratch. This is also bad for the child himself, since the mother, who instantly satisfies all the needs of the child, eventually brings up an infantile egocentric creature who does not know how to reckon with others.

What does a good mother mean to you?

Think, but rather write down what the words "good mother" mean to you? And is it really possible to be embodied in the desired image, taking into account the interests of the husband? It is quite possible that you personally do not need half of the cases from the list, you have added many items because it is fashionable, recommended on forums or in magazines.

What every mother really needs is, first of all, to take care of herself. That you stay in good physical condition, in emotional adequacy. If this is not the case, then you can at least dance with a tambourine, at least decorate the whole house with flowers, the child will not feel good.

Children are empaths. And they don't need a new toy if their mom's in a frenzy. I noticed this many times that if I had an unpleasant or stressful event the next day, the children became unbearable. It was difficult to put them to sleep, they began to make noise, fight, act up.

Why? Because all children read the emotional state of their mother and begin to show it to the world. You can nervously jump around and calm the raging typhoon. But my experience is that nothing helps as long as you continue to be nervous, and the crying of the child makes you even more excited.

Drop everything and calm down. I know from my own experience that as soon as I was distracted and began to deal with my emotional state, the children automatically calmed down too. If I started chasing them so that they calmed down, did not run, went to bed, then this could last much longer than the thirty minutes that I needed to put my own thoughts and feelings in order.

Do the same. Try not to calm the child, but yourself. Give up the dumbest idea of being good to someone else, a stranger who lives only on the Internet. It should be good for you. Then the child will be fine too.

Also, what worked for one child and their mother may not work for another. Really good moms have to look for solutions every time. Focus on your own comfort and well-being - instead of arrogating the conceit of unknown experts in parenting. It will be better for your whole family, you will learn to put your interests first, in accordance with the correct hierarchy - above the whims of a child and above the stupid advice of strangers.

What should be ideal children?

The old Eagle had two eaglets. It so happened that it became necessary to carry the chicks through the gorge. The Eagle took one chick on its back and flew with it. The eaglet was frightened, and the Eagle asks:

And when I'm old, will you carry me across the gorge?
Yes, father, just don’t drop me, said the first chick in fear.
You're lying, - answered the father - and threw the eaglet into the gorge.

Then Eagle flew with his second son and asked him the same question.

I don’t know, answered Eaglet, but I’ll definitely carry my children on myself.

We become ideal children when we ourselves become parents. Then an understanding and reasons for parental prohibitions, unrest and everything that irritated us and caused conflicts in our youth comes to us. Basically, every parent wants to be proud of their child. But be yourself, do not try to bury yourself for the sake of parental interests.

There is no ideal in nature. Parents need to pay more attention and lead a healthy lifestyle. Everything else will follow.

Perfect kids are like Ken or Barbie dolls.

It seems to me that such children do not exist, just like ideal parents.

For children, the most important thing is to respect and appreciate their parents, and we, in turn, will be able to forgive your little pranks 🙂

After all, we are also children, although older than you, we can also play tricks.

It seems to me that the ideal children are obedient children. Because when children obey, they practically shed balm on the wounded hearts of their parents. And not obedient children turn the life of parents into hell.

Ideal children - do not get sick, do not do Skoda, do not upset their parents and ... do not exist. In a Russian family, a child will never be considered ideal for his parents. The ideal child is anyone else, even the neighbor Vaska Tyurin, and your own child is always an idiot. We do not learn from the Jews, an intelligent and talented nation. And their children grow up smart and talented. Why? Because from childhood they inspire confidence in their child that he is the best.

There are no ideal people, everyone has their own shortcomings and prosperity. Habits and mores that you agree to accept or not, or you with your positive and negative qualities. A person is self-perfection and he self-improves all his life. And if you are super-ideal, as I understand it, soft and fluffy in everything, then it will be simply difficult with you for other people and for yourself, be who you are. And get rid of the complexes, so you are IDEAL and you are the only one. Understood.

The Germans have a saying to each his own. Everyone has their own desires, what they want from their children, you better understand what your parents expect from you, but everyone wants their children to grow up to be independent, happy and successful people.

For the most part, parents want their children to be obedient and learn well.

It is good when there are trusting and friendly relations between parents and children.

And you are already smart, if you want to be an ideal daughter, live and be happy, and make your loved ones happy, because when the children are doing well and parents are the best reward to see their children happy.

Ideal, in all respects, people do not exist and cannot be in principle, but you are talking about children!)

Be yourself, respect your parents, follow at least every fifth of their instructions.

I personally, as a father, do not need a perfect child, I need MY CHILD! albeit with their not big quirks)

I figured out the following.

Ideal children, firstly, should obey their parents, provided that they give only the correct answers)))

Secondly, ideal children should respect their parents and take care of them when they grow old.

Our parents brought us into this world and raised us. They gave us food and clothes until we grew up. They sent us to a school where we received knowledge. They tried to do their best to make our life comfortable and carefree as well as happy!

Good children should obey their parents. Parents believe in us and give the necessary advice that no one else will give.

It seems to me that these ideal qualities of children exist, regardless of generation, they have always existed!

ideal children, these are your children who will be at least a little better than you in childhood... 🙂

I am constantly asked: how to become an ideal mother? What should children be told, what skills should be taught in order to protect them from the influence of the street, to make them study well, help around the house, go to bed without whims (the list goes on for another page)? I have one short answer to all questions: stop playing the perfect mom.

Who are you trying for?

Today, being a mother is much more difficult than 100 years ago or even in the USSR. Although there are so many devices and items designed to help in raising babies. It is more difficult, first of all, because young parents receive a lot of conflicting information.

To figure out what to do with their children, young mothers begin to read thematic forums and face an incredible amount of reproaches and aggression from women against those who do differently than they do. How dare you, even in your thoughts, allow artificial feeding? What does it mean "suddenly there will be no milk"? Generate milk with the power of thought, otherwise we will betray you in a crowd to a public execution for a bottle! Here is an approximate intensity of passions with which the timid question of infant feeding options is discussed on the mother forums. And similar emotions and aggressive attacks pour on every woman there, if she dares to ask or discuss what worries her.

And it would be fine only on mom's forums - moms are constantly built on the line and forced to obey some unwritten sectarian rules, superstitions and pointers of completely foreign aunts demanding "to be a good mother." Who set the standards? Who even gave them the right to demand anything? These questions are rarely asked. Moms become embarrassed for their selfishness, and they do not know what else to give to the child, they are trying to become ideal parents. As a result, they only harm themselves and their children.

Mom must be nice

Mom should not be perfect and should not condemn herself for not giving enough, not doing it, has no right, and in general it is harmful to the child. Mom should be healthy and well-rested. Satiated and able to keep her eyes open without matches between her eyelids.

It is useful to give up once and for all the dream of becoming an ideal mother, because it is impossible to achieve peace in the race for the title of “perfect mother”. The mythical ideal mother breastfeeds the child with every peep, depriving the baby of the chance to get really hungry and generally understand that in this life something can be achieved, asked, waited. The ideal mother diligently raises a weak-willed, impatient, capricious child who is used to getting food and being silent at the first sound.

The ideal mother floods the child with toys that she did not have in her tin childhood. As a result, the child does not appreciate her efforts and does not learn to handle objects carefully, because he does not understand the meaning of loss. The ideal mother does not allow situations in which the child will be upset, burst into tears or offended. And the baby grows up infantile, lazy, irresponsible and spineless. He lives all his life with his mother, unable to tear himself away from her warm chest. Do you need it?

The perfect mom is your own enemy

Unrealistic requirements

Miracles don't happen.

What does a "good mom" mean to you?

Think, or rather write down, what the words “good enough mother” mean to you. And is it really possible to be embodied in the desired image, taking into account the interests of the husband? It is quite possible that you personally do not need half of the cases from the list, you have added many items because it is fashionable, recommended on forums or in magazines.

What every mother really needs is to take care of herself first of all. That you stay in good physical condition, in emotional adequacy. If they are not there, then you can at least dance with a tambourine, at least decorate the whole house with flowers - the child will not feel good.

Children are empaths. And they don't need a new toy if their mom's in a frenzy. I noticed many times that if I had an unpleasant or stressful event the next day, the children became unbearable. It was difficult to put them to sleep, they began to make noise, fight, act up.

Drop everything and calm down. I know for myself: as soon as I was distracted and started to deal with my emotional state, the children automatically calmed down too. If I started chasing them to calm down, not run, go to bed, then this could last much longer than the 30 minutes that I needed to put my own thoughts and feelings in order.

Do the same. Try not to calm the child, but yourself. Give up the dumbest idea of being nice to someone else, a stranger who lives only on the Internet. It should be good for you. Then the child will be fine too. Also, what worked for one child and their mother may not work for another. Really good moms have to look for solutions every time.

Focus on your own comfort and well-being, rather than pampering the conceit of unknown parenting experts. It will be better for your whole family if you learn to put your interests first in accordance with the correct hierarchy - above the whims of a child and above the stupid advice of strangers.

The statements about right and wrong do not only apply to mothers, but also to children. Somewhere in the world (“Instagram”) there are some such awesome, ideal children with a set of some desirable qualities.

At my leisure, I decided to fantasize about what children should do in order to become perfect. I thought, of course, about my backbiters, but it turned out quite amusing.

First, I found it very difficult to come up with statements without the "not" particle. Well, i.e. we most often know exactly what our children should not do: they should not sit at the computer a lot, they should not swear and get angry, they should not be rude, they should not eat a lot of sweets or scatter toys. But what should be instead? And these statements are born with difficulty.

They turned out to be very funny for me, about the fact that children should control their behavior, should correctly allocate their time, should hear me from the first time, should keep cleanliness, should love to read, should take care of others, should behave quietly, etc. d.

And when I wrote and read these statements aloud, I suddenly thought that, judging by the description, they don’t turn out to be children, but very adults, and very exemplary and well-mannered adults. It’s hard even for me to be like that, and it’s disgusting, to be honest.

From each statement such funny legs of reasoning grew, about how I really feel about it.

So, for example, the statement that children should understand everything from the first time met with a protest inside me in the question: “How then will they hear themselves if they are always some kind of direction finders for someone else’s opinion?” Or the statement that they should always agree with their parents makes me resent the topic, but then how will they build their lives if they always listen to me. And am I ready all my life to slip them decisions for their lives so that they agree with them.

Many of the statements were directly opposite or impossible, but they were in my head. What I ate without chewing, without feeling the taste, taking it for granted. Now, when I say it out loud, I am turned on with disgust and almost nausea, dumbfounded and rejected. But it was only by saying it out loud, by considering it and questioning it, that I was able to debunk these claims.

And it’s important for me not “that they must read”, but that they show curiosity, not “always agree with me”, but be safe, not “play quietly”, but that I have the opportunity to be in silence.

It turned out that in these statements there is a lot about me, about my needs, so that it becomes easier for me with them, so that our relationship is safe, so that there is a place for my desires. That's another story, why the hell should I wrap my needs and desires in such a bag of children and what they owe me. But the fact that this has little to do directly with them is a fact. Some people may be different, and that's okay.

Throughout our lives, parents constantly have a great influence on how we develop, as well as on the decisions we make. Parents provide support when we need their love, when we cannot cope on our own. This is not so easy, so every child who is lucky with his parents should respect them and be grateful. One way to show your gratitude is to be the perfect daughter for your parents. The ideal daughter is a child who has a great relationship with those who raised her and cared for her, it is respect for the values of her parents and the desire to make them happy.

Steps

Part 1

How to be the "perfect" daughter

Be realistic. Understand that no one is perfect in the world, but nevertheless, as John Steinbeck once said: “Now that you no longer need to be perfect, you can finally start to be good.” Remember that even Olympic gold medalists get points deducted for their performance (and they still win). Albert Einstein also made mistakes (and learned from his mistakes) and made bad decisions. Never let "perfection" undermine your self-esteem and devalue all the beautiful and worthy (but, unfortunately, imperfect) that you are capable of.

Ask first, then do. If you're unsure about your decision and afraid to upset your parents, ask first. If you are afraid to ask about it, chances are it will really upset your parents.

When asking your parents for something, always be sure that the parents are able to do what you ask, and also think about the attitude of the parents towards you.
Dont be upset. Your parents may not agree to your request, take it easy and tell them about the reasons why you are going to do something, and also convince your parents that you are able to take responsibility for the consequences.
If your parents turned you down, do as they see fit, even if you don't like it. Especially if you still live at home with your parents.

Do your duty. If you promised your parents to do something, but wait for them to remind you of it again and again, this behavior creates a tense environment.
- Let me know about your business ahead of time. Say, "Mom, I need to finish [x, y, z], and then I'll have time, so I'll do it as soon as I'm free." Then be sure to do what your parents asked you to do so they don't have to remind you multiple times.
- Try to do household chores without being reminded. For example, do you know what day to take out the trash? Have you heard that parents spend the whole week preparing for the arrival of guests? Then take out the garbage, clean the room and the whole apartment, even if you were not asked to do so.
Treat your parents with respect. Of course, you don't have to agree with everything your parents say, but remind yourself that your parents always want the best for you.
- Believe me, your parents have much richer life experience than you, you may seem to them still too young to cope with some situations on your own.
- Consider that your parents want the best for you and don't be rude to them. If you begin to respond rudely to them, your conversation will turn into swearing, and you will no longer be able to present yourself as a person who respects others and is trustworthy.
Take care of yourself. Show that you respect yourself, be sure to take care of the health of your body and watch your appearance. Your parents love you and they like to see you healthy and well-groomed.

Feel free to ask for help. We often try to prove to our parents that we can be independent and successful, but there are times when we may need help to achieve our goals.
- Forget about your pride and selfishness and accept help from your parents (even in the form of simple advice).
- When accepting help, be humble and grateful for what your parents are doing for you.
Be patient with your parents. When we are young, we keep up with the times, and it seems to us that we can control everything that happens. But think about how difficult it can be for your parents to adjust to the constant changes that we take for granted.
- When you get married, get a job and move into your own apartment, it will remind your parents of how many years they have already lived, and they will miss those days when you just ran down the hallway.
- Help parents adjust to the passage of time. Take the time to talk to them and answer their questions. Help them understand some things, but don't be angry if they don't get it right away. Remind them that trust and acceptance are just as important as understanding.
Be true to yourself. Loyalty to oneself implies confidence and happiness, education and development. Nothing pleases parents more than watching their child develop, find their calling, and succeed. If you are true to yourself, you grow and develop, turning into the one of you who your parents tried to raise. However, sometimes being true to yourself creates tension in your relationship with your parents.

Live happily. More than anything, your parents want their daughter to have a happy and stable life. And parents, of course, want to become a part of your life and offer their help in some matters to make you even happier. Your parents want to be involved in your relationship, want to help raise your grandchildren (perhaps) and enjoy the way your family grows and develops.

Pay up front. Accept the kindness, support, care and generosity that your parents gave you and give it to someone else. For example, your own children, your spouse, friends or other family members.

Part 2

How to be the "perfect" daughter-in-law

Balance between maintaining intimacy and individuality. When your family grows and new family members appear, it is necessary to make changes in your life and your behavior (especially in relation to new family members). Remember, your partner loves you for who you are, and you shouldn't try to be someone else. But at the same time, look for an opportunity to find contact with his (or her) family.

Be friendly and open to new family relationships. Every family has its own habits and traditions, but many families welcome new family members and treat them like siblings or children.
- If you're an only child and never had siblings, try looking at relationships as if you'd be living with your best friend or girlfriend for most of your life. You will get along well with each other, have fun together, take care of each other, find compromises.
- While living with the "new" brother or sister, you will often hug, joke, and like to tease each other, but it should all be fun and reflect your love and friendliness. Don't forget to reciprocate.
Make time for yourself. Especially if you have just moved into a new family, be sure to immediately plan at least an hour a day that you will spend on yourself.
- You can make time for yourself when you just want to take a nap. Take some rest, think about the events of the day, try to get rid of the stress and tension that have accumulated during the day.
- You can ask your partner to join you, especially if there is something that is bothering you that you would like to talk about.
- Over time, as you build a relationship with your partner's family, these quiet moments of your own will become less necessary.
Be honest with yourself. The relationship between a parent and a child deserves honesty and trust and cannot be compared to other types of relationships. Of course, your partner can tell his parents whatever he wants, but remember that they are just getting to know you, so tact is needed to maintain a peaceful relationship.
- Remember: never lie to your boyfriend's family, but present the bitter truth with respect and kindness.
Set boundaries. When we have a relationship with a partner's family, we want to please her as much as possible. The ability to compromise is necessary, but you should not sacrifice all your interests for the sake of someone else.
- For example, your partner's parents ask you to come over for the holidays and you both just want to stay at home? If you and your partner have come to an unequivocal decision, do not be afraid to tell his relatives that you will be happy to come, but not on this day.
- Of course, your words may upset your boyfriend's relatives, but in the future, such an act will lead to respect and reasonable expectations.
Accept disagreement. There are times when you are unlikely to agree with your partner's family. No, this is not a sign that you cannot get along with them. Just take it as a challenge and try to be as tolerant as possible (despite disagreements).
- For example, do you already know that you and your boyfriend's parents have different political views? If one of them asks for your opinion, simply answer: “I don't really feel like talking about politics right now. Do you mind if I just sit down and listen?”
- If your boyfriend's family insists, just remind them that you respect their beliefs and feelings, love them, and hope they respect you as well.
Be open to change. Compromise is the key to maintaining strong family relationships. This means that your partner's family may have completely different holiday traditions, that Aunt Masha will always cook her signature macaroni and cheese on special occasions (despite the fact that you did it before).
- Of course, you don't have to give up your old habits and traditions that make up your life, but you may well need to consider when and where it's appropriate to stick to your old habits. For example, if Aunt Masha always cooks macaroni and cheese, ask your partner what dish you could cook for a family celebration.
- You can compromise and decorate the Christmas tree yourself or make homemade New Year's cookies, but you will have to light the menorah and eat noodles with your partner's whole family.