My common-law husband does not want sex. – Why is civil marriage doomed? Reluctance to lose freedom

Margins around the form

The most a big problem“civil marriage” is that it does not oblige the partners to anything and does not guarantee anything. And therefore, a person who strives for a stable and reliable relationship simply cannot feel comfortable in a so-called civil marriage, which can be called a marriage with great stretch.

« Civil marriage” is somewhat similar to a “guest marriage”, with the only difference being that in a “guest marriage” the partners do not live together, but only meet to have a good time together. While “civil marriage” implies cohabitation between a man and a woman and running a joint household. It may seem to some that “civil marriage” is much more serious and stable relationship than "guest marriage". But such an impression is superficial and very misleading.

Let's start with the fact that “civil marriage” is a trap into which many naive and gullible women. The fact is that living with a man under the same roof, a woman, as a rule, completely takes charge of household- washing, cooking, cleaning, cooking and so on. And what does he get in return? In most cases, only a ghostly hope that a man will someday appreciate her care and thriftiness and finally call her to the registry office. And this wait can continue for years!

As you can see, civil marriage is much more beneficial for a man than for a woman. Just think about it: in a “civil marriage” a man receives from a woman the care and attention he needs in full, and, as a rule, there is practically no return! In most cases, men do not consider it necessary to invest in their common-law wives, either emotionally or financially. Therefore, we can safely say that in such relationships the man simply uses the woman, and the woman allows him to use her because she hopes for a happy ending. As they say, hope dies last...

Let's add to all of the above that when living with a man under the same roof, a woman invests in him not only time and energy, but also feelings and emotions. The longer a woman lives with a man, the more attached she becomes to him, and the more difficult it is for her to break the ties that bind them. But time does not stand still... It is clear that at 25 years old a woman has a much greater chance of successfully organizing her personal life than at 35. In addition, a woman’s reproductive age is short. So women give birth to children for their common-law husbands, and then, when the man decides to break off the relationship, they become single mothers. Why be surprised? If a man really loves a woman and wants to have a child with her, he will certainly offer her to become his wife!

Of course, it is not uncommon for a “civil marriage” to eventually end in an official union. But this is only if the partners discuss in advance exactly how long they will live together without marriage, in order to make sure that the two of them are not feeling bad. Usually, a year is quite enough for this. But if a year, two, three passes, and the man still does not invite the woman to the registry office, it means nine out of ten that he is not going to marry this woman at all!

Why doesn't a man want to marry live-in partner? There can be only two reasons. Most common reason: man does not love woman, perceives her as a temporary option, and believes that he can find someone better. The second reason: a man is psychologically and therefore afraid of any responsibility. And marriage is a huge responsibility, backed by legal laws!

Not so long ago, maiden purity and virginity were highly valued by men. So why now does virginity scare men rather than seduce them? Yes, because a relationship with a virgin requires a lot, and many modern men they do not want to take on any obligations, because without obligations they can live calmer and more conveniently. WITH an easily accessible woman who has had many sexual partners, there is no need to stand on ceremony. “You lived with other men in a ‘civil marriage,’” the man declares to the woman, “now you will live with me.”

Women themselves are partly to blame for the fact that men began to treat women this way. Should I enter into a relationship with a man? intimate relationship and whether to live with him in a “civil marriage” - the woman decides for herself. And if a woman does not value and respect herself, then how can she demand from men that they value and respect her?!

Many women follow men’s lead and agree to a “civil marriage” solely out of fear of loneliness. Women are afraid that if they start flirting with men and putting forward their own conditions for them, they will remain lonely. I believe that such fears are completely unfounded and are due to the low self-esteem of these women. After all, men need women just as much as women need men. And if a man really likes a woman and needs him, he will never refuse her just because she wants to be his wife, and not his cohabitant!

I have a woman friend who... early youth had strong principles and was not going to compromise them. When she met her future husband, some time after they started dating, he invited her to live in a “civil marriage” in order, as he put it, “to test the strength of her feelings.” Of course, my friend rejected this offer with indignation, and even showed the man her resentment. And then the gentleman who was in love with her had to quickly offer her his hand and heart.

And in general, is living on your own really much worse than cohabiting with a man who uses you and doesn’t value you? A single woman has a chance at any moment to meet a decent man and marry him. Whereas a cohabitant is, as it were, not lonely, but also not married woman, whose present is not very joyful, and whose future is gloomy and hopeless. Why? Yes because, as it shows life experience, “civil marriage” is a hopeless relationship doomed to inevitable breakup!

– Should marriage be a joint decision, or should the man still accept it?

It is advisable, of course, that the man himself decides to propose marriage to the woman. But if time passes, and the man is in no hurry to invite the woman to the registry office, then, in such a situation, the woman has every reason to have a serious conversation with the man in order to clarify further prospects for the relationship with him. A woman can also try to gently push a man to accept important decision about legitimizing relationships with the help of subtle hints and leading questions. But if you see that a man avoids any conversation on the topic of marriage in every possible way, this is a very bad symptom!

– Why is civil marriage doomed?

Firstly, because the family requires great dedication from both men and women. And in a civil marriage, at least one of the partners (the one who does not want to sign) is focused exclusively on consumption. You need to understand that marriage is not only about pleasure and enjoyment from possessing each other. This is also a lot of painstaking work! In a marriage, both partners should have both rights and responsibilities. And the one who is convinced that he owes nothing to anyone will never be able to build a successful and full family and is doomed to rush from one partner to another all his life.

Secondly, creating a family means having children. How can a woman give birth to a man who does not want to marry her?! Where is the guarantee that he will not leave her or abandon the child at the first difficulties that inevitably arise when children appear? Of course, there is no guarantee... Meanwhile, almost all women have a powerful maternal instinct, which sooner or later takes its toll. So the woman faces a choice: either give birth illegitimate child with the risk of remaining a single mother, or leaving her common-law husband and going in search of new ones, more promising relationships. Very often, it is thoughts about motherhood that force a woman to give a man a categorical ultimatum: wedding or separation. And here a man has to demonstrate his true attitude to a woman - either make her your legal wife, or separate.

Some couples living in a “civil marriage” are in no hurry to have children, justifying this by saying that they want to live for themselves, for their own pleasure. But it should be understood that no pleasure is eternal. And if children do not appear in the family, the man and woman sooner or later become fed up with each other, begin to move away from each other and rush to search for pleasures on the side. And then - the inevitable break.

– And if children are born in a civil marriage, does he have a chance to survive?

The belief that a man can be tied to a child is the most common and biggest misconception of women! I categorically believe that children should only appear in legally married, when both parents eagerly await their birth. But, alas, there are countless cases when a woman gives birth to a child for her “common-law husband”, despite his stormy protests, and then is sincerely perplexed when, after the birth of the baby, the man packs his bags and leaves. Or he kicks out a woman and child if they live on his territory. But even if a man resigns himself to the birth of a baby and continues to live with a woman, in most cases, the relationship of such a couple becomes worse and worse...

I know a couple who have been living in a civil marriage for more than 10 years, but their life together, even if they wanted to, cannot be called happy. It all started with the fact that a woman became pregnant from her partner and decided to give birth, although her partner was categorically against it. He immediately told her: “You decided to give birth in order to tie me to you as a child.” On the one hand, this woman was luckier than others: “ common law husband“He didn’t abandon her and even fell in love with the child in his own way. But he was never able to forgive that she gave birth without his consent, and with every conflict (and conflicts happen often in their family), he reminds her of how low and dishonest she did to him.

I repeat once again: a child is a huge responsibility. And if a man is not ready or does not want to take on such responsibility, then there is extremely little chance that he will become good father for your unborn child! The fact that a man’s parental feelings awaken (if they awaken at all) does not immediately, but gradually, also plays a role here. And in order for a man to feel like a father, he must voluntarily take part in the process of caring for the newborn. When a man periodically holds a baby in his arms, when he feeds him from a bottle, when he swaddles, bathes and dresses him - only then does he become attached to the child, and he begins to realize that he is a father. If a man, on principle, does not pay any attention to an unwanted child, it is very naive to expect that his fatherly feelings will awaken!

Is there really not a single example of a long and happy civil marriage, when there is a child and everything is good and stable?

They can say with all responsibility: I don’t know a single example of this! Even if outwardly everything seems to be fine with such a couple, if you dig deeper, it will definitely turn out that at least one partner feels unhappy in this relationship. Moreover, as a rule, this partner is a woman, tormented by the uncertainty of her position and nebulosity future prospects.

Not long ago, there was a couple at a reception who had been in a civil marriage for 8 years. As usual, the woman was the initiator of the consultation, while the man was satisfied with the relationship and very reluctantly agreed to come to see me. What didn’t suit the woman in this relationship? First of all, she did not feel like her man’s wife. She always thought that their relationship was temporary, and that the moment was not far when he would leave her. Under the influence of these experiences, the woman became completely exhausted and even began to complain about her health. With great difficulty, I managed to convince a man that if he loves a woman, he should marry her. Soon they signed, and I really hope that everything will be fine for them.

There are also paradoxical cases. It would seem that entering into an official marriage should only strengthen the relationship. But no, not always! There was a couple who lived relatively happily and calmly in civilian clothes for about 4 years. The problem was again that the woman no longer wanted to endure the humiliating status of a cohabitant and began to insist on going to the registry office. Loving a woman, the man agreed to legitimize the relationship. But literally 3 months after the wedding, this couple broke up. It turned out that as soon as they signed, the woman, feeling like a legal wife, began to try manage and push around a man, and he, of course, didn’t like it... Hence conclusion: in order for the family life of a young couple to be happy, both partners must understand well what marriage is and what it obliges, and that the stamp in the passport is not a reason to consider the partner their obedient property.

In conclusion I want to say: official marriage- it's just necessary condition family happiness, but not its guarantee! Only if marriage partners love and respect each other and are both ready to sacrifice their selfishness for the interests of the family, do they have a chance to create a strong, friendly and happy family!

Margins around the form

What to do if a man lives in a civil marriage with someone else. Is it worth considering such a gentleman and how to behave correctly. According to statistics, only one third of men living in unregistered marriages consider themselves married, and all the rest, when asked: “Are you married?” without hesitation they answer: “No.” Is it worth considering this category of suitors for or there is no point in wasting time on them. Who are they - single or married men? Let's set the record straight, understand the peculiarities of this type of boyfriend and find out whether it is possible to break off a man's civil marriage and how to do it correctly.

Types of common-law husbands and their characteristics

If you are having an affair with a man who lives with another woman, try to figure out what type he is. Why do men live in civil marriages, and should we expect to break the relationship?

The most reliable option for family life, but a man who is useless for a new romance, who considers himself married and does not waste time on new acquaintances. This may include people who consider a stamp in a passport unnecessary or are opponents of weddings and everything connected with them. Sometimes the initiator of an unregistered marriage is a woman, and the guy is simply waiting for his beloved to answer him the cherished “yes.”

There is no point in wasting your time on such a candidate; he already has a family, and the attitude towards a civil marriage is no different from the attitude towards an official family. The maximum he will dare to do is a light affair on the side, which will be no different from having fun and thus coloring family everyday life.

The second and, perhaps, the most numerous category of officially free, but actually busy grooms are men who cannot decide to marry a woman who considers him her husband. He simply does not see her as a suitable candidate for a family, but he is in no hurry to leave - the conveniences and comfort of family life take precedence.

It is quite possible to build a new relationship with such a man, but it is important to understand the risk that he will do the same to you. At the same time, there are many examples in which men, leaving their common-law spouses, fall head over heels in love with new girlfriends and immediately propose to them. Take a chance on romance if you're in love, but don't let yourself be taken advantage of!

The third type of married bachelors are elementary users, wandering from one woman to another, in search of a hearty dinner and guaranteed fulfillment of other family responsibilities on her part. Probe the waters and try to discreetly find out how many of these “barges” the suitor had and how long each of them lasted. It would also be a good idea to find out his opinion on why the union fell apart and who is to blame.

Perhaps a man simply doesn’t like living alone, so he looks for a woman and finds them among those who want to start a family. Naturally, first he plays the right role to gain trust, and then feeds his companion “breakfast”.

It also happens that men try with all their might to convey to their roommate the absence of serious intentions, but women live in illusions and they themselves invent a happy family life, they are deceived, and then they are offended.

The benefits of busy men

Can a man who doesn't want to marry another woman become good husband? Yes, because he, like , has a lot of advantages!

1. Separating from a common-law wife is always less painful than divorcing from an official spouse.
2. There are no property rights in such relations, so there will be no division.
3. Such marriages rarely have children, so you can count on the absence of alimony and the lack of a loved one on a day off for the reason that he plays the role of a Sunday dad.
4. Having lived in a civil marriage, men go through the school of family life and already know how to cope with household responsibilities, understand the essence of the general budget and do not take women’s petty grievances and grievances seriously.
5. Such a man has constant woman, which means it is not in search and you have practically no competitors.
6. Other women look at the object of your adoration as someone else's husband, which also reduces the number of rivals.

How to build relationships and win romance

With a man who is shying away from marriage, it is important to stick to correct tactics in a relationship, otherwise you can lose and become either a victim short novel, or even worse - to get stuck in a hopeless civil marriage for a long time.

First of all, turn into a leisurely turtle - there is no need to rush into an affair with your lover, for whom another woman is waiting at home. In your game you must become ideal woman who knows her worth and knows how to take care of her husband. Do everything to make him pursue you, and do not rush to reciprocate. Believe me, the boyfriend is not going anywhere, he already has a back, so he has nowhere to rush.

The ideal option, if a man lives in a civil marriage, is to start friendly relations, in which there will be no hint of dating, but there will be light notes of flirtation emanating from a woman who “doesn’t even think about romance.” You can go to a cafe, to the cinema, for walks, but without any continuation. During friendly meetings, do not waste time - quietly study the character and habits of the gentleman, and also do not change the conversation to another topic when he talks about his real partner.

The main task of friendship is to find out how your gentleman sees his potential spouse and for what reason he does not marry her. Just don’t even think about asking such questions, be careful, otherwise your loved one will not like excessive curiosity.

Be prepared for the fact that a friend will offer you the role of a mistress, while he himself will remain with the family. Do you need it and are you ready for a supporting role? If not, then immediately refuse, saying that you are not dating married man. If the relationship is serious, he will leave this woman to start a new life.

The most important thing is not to agree to cohabitation if the man wants to live in a civil marriage, otherwise you will find yourself in the same role as the abandoned woman. Since this person does not want a family, keep him at a distance. Limit yourself to dates, weekends together and vacation trips, but don’t move in together! Shared life shouldn't be.

However, do not forget to show yourself to your loved one better side. Show what kind of housewife you are, demonstrate your culinary skills more often, show care and attention to his problems. It is important that he understands that you are his woman, and he can no longer live without you. And to be together, he must get married!

Don’t be afraid, if a man’s civil marriage turns out to be stronger than his feelings for you, then this is not your destiny. Visit places more often, and also do not neglect dating sites - 60% of couples now meet there. But first, let’s talk about what kind of gentlemen are waiting for you at the virtual grooms fair.

Hello! I have been in a civil marriage for 7 years, of which the first year my husband often wanted intimacy, I felt loved and desired. Then there was intimacy, but less often, and almost always on my initiative, but for the last 3 years there has been none at all. I tried to talk to him very delicately - the block either goes away from the topic or explodes. At first he reassured me that it was not about me, but about him. Doesn't say what exactly. We went to the urologist together - everything was fine. Then, if I started a conversation on this topic, he started shouting that I should leave him alone, that everything would work out. The climax was a scandal when he yelled at me to look at myself in the mirror, saying that I looked so terrible that he couldn’t sleep with me. At first I was shocked, then I realized that the best defense is an attack and in this way he is trying to justify his problem. Then he came to his senses, asked for forgiveness and assured me that I had misunderstood him. Since then we have lived like brother and sister. Or as close friends, I don’t understand how. We have common interests, he does everything in the house himself, we travel a lot. I no longer touch on the topic of sex. To be honest, I forgave him for those words, but I didn’t forget. And after them, and after a 3-year break, I cannot imagine that I will be able to become intimate with him again. But I need to understand what happened and why he blamed me for his failure. Briefly about me - outwardly interesting, well-groomed, tall, slender, fashionable, independent, mobile. Of course, there are a couple of wrinkles, but after his speech I went and took injections, now they are practically gone... I understand that everything is in my hands - to continue this “brotherhood” or break it off. But most importantly, I want to understand the reason... He has no stress at work, he does not work hard with a jackhammer, he eats well and sleeps peacefully, he is not a person of mood, is not subject to depression, and enjoys life. He just doesn't want any physical contact. And I am very warm, affectionate and emotional person, but at the same time flexible. I am silent, I don’t interfere with conversations, because... sex for me is not the most important thing in life, but to me, like anyone to a normal woman I want to feel loved and desired and for him - “the very best”... But I don’t know how to get through to him anymore... I understand that either I accept him this way and don’t try to change him, or... But There must be another way out other than breaking up the relationship. That's why I'm here and I really hope for professional advice. Thanks in advance. Estella

Hello!
Let us, however, clarify what is actually needed.

And after them, and after a 3-year break, I cannot imagine that I will be able to become intimate with him again. But I need to understand what happened and why he blamed me for his failure.

In theory, you yourself have already answered your own question why:

then I realized that the best defense is an attack and in this way he is trying to justify his problem

Very likely. But you continue to write about the fact that you need to understand why... But you understand why. Because yes, delving into his problem is probably a little scary for him, and admitting it - in his understanding, can be read as admitting his weakness and worthlessness.
That is, the answer to the question why he accused you does not bring relief in itself?

Wish skin-to-skin contact may disappear for a very long time various reasons. Not only physiological. There can be a lot of different undercurrents in a person - fears, complexes hidden from consciousness; during the period of falling in love, some “walls” fall, but temporarily - as soon as the hormonal “storm” ends - the person seems to return to himself as he really is in fact. And, probably, with the passing of love, some of his old internal problems surfaced. Which, by the way, are not necessarily noticeable from the outside, and you may not necessarily be able to correctly assess his level of stress and mental balance. If he is used to hiding problems from himself, perhaps he knows how to do this in relation to others.
The second question is whether there is another way out - here I can say that there is definitely one, but under one condition - the desire of BOTH.
Does your husband have a desire to solve this problem? Looks like no. And there is no motive - after all, you still live together, and, apparently, in a format that suits him completely. Why then should he solve this problem if everything suits him?
The question, rather, is different - what are you ready to do in this situation, how to treat it, what decisions to make, what words to say? Were you able to decide on your attitude?

My common-law husband doesn't want sex

I will answer your questions: my husband lives very well and comfortably, the only thing that irritates him is my feelings (the desire to talk about it and talk through problems) and my desire for intimacy. Even if not the act itself, but simply male warmth. I understand that he is already old and that he may have organic problems. And that he is afraid even to admit it to himself. But we visited the urologist, and I was personally present during the conversation. He was prescribed pills like Viagra - he NEVER tried it. This problem does not bother him at all. I myself have a connection to psychology, many times I suggested that he go to a consultation with a psychologist for couples. Twists at the temple - like, am I crazy? Everything is fine with me, everything suits me and I am satisfied. And the fact that I am dissatisfied is my problem. Look for a young man if you only have sex in your head. The worst thing is that I help other people get rid of similar problems (well, to be honest, I have never seen anything like this before). But I can’t figure it out in my family and can’t help myself...
Of course, I’m ready to say the words that will affect him and do what will help solve, as it turns out, MY problem.

Everything is fine with me, everything suits me and I am satisfied. And the fact that I am dissatisfied is my problem.

Well look, this is his open position. He doesn't NEED to change anything in this area. But then this clearly indicates that the value of your relationship for him is very small. And the point is not about sex as such, but about the fact that he doesn’t care that you have problems. He doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't care that you are suffering. Those. he is emotionally deaf and indifferent to you.
Then what kind of sex are we talking about? What kind of relationships can we talk about here? Have you asked yourself the question - what is it all based on?
My reasoning here is this: if a person is not interested in what you feel, if in principle he does not care about your condition, then in what capacity do you “satisfy” him? Housekeepers? Financial partner? Life partner? What exactly is IMPORTANT to him about you being around him? And you? What valuable and important things do you get from your union?

My common-law husband doesn't want sex

Thank you, Anton, you confirmed my guesses. Not only did I think about it, I openly asked him all these questions. The answer was: why are you delving into all this and ruining our good relationship?
I really suit him very well - I don’t need to be supported and entertained. I am independent and self-sufficient. But he also suits me in many matters that do not concern emotional sphere. We have a kind of deal - everyday care for each other. I give him a delicious lunch, he gives me new candles for the car. Plus a joint vacation several times a year. Like, “look at people and show yourself.” I’m reading what I just wrote and it’s getting scary...

My common-law husband doesn't want sex

We have a kind of deal - everyday care for each other. I give him a delicious lunch, he gives me new candles for the car. Plus a joint vacation several times a year. Like, “look at people and show yourself.” I’m reading what I just wrote and it’s getting scary...

Well, you can look at it in different ways. It’s only in romantic fairy tales that there is one “correct” track - love to the grave with constant sighs around each other, wild passion and a blazing heart)) But reality is much wider and more diverse romantic fairy tales. A deal is also an option life together, and not always bad. For your husband, as we see, the option is very good. He rather needs a companion, a friend, even I would say a comrade, a person who will help in everyday life, but not interfere with living within himself and his life. A good expression:

our good relationship

Yes, he very clearly reflected to you what he needs - these very kind relationships. Not love, not passion, not spiritual closeness, not unity, not community, not togetherness, but “good relationships.” Such things happen with friends, companions, comrades, colleagues...
This in itself is neither good nor bad. I have met people for whom choosing a household partnership is a completely conscious step. They decided for themselves that they do not need loved ones emotional relationships with the opposite sex, that they have enough friends or even books and virtual space. And sometimes this is exactly what they need from the opposite sex - to run the household together, support each other in everyday life, sometimes have fun together, and otherwise not interfere with each other.
And many live in this for quite a long time and quite comfortably. Perhaps your husband is just like that. Perhaps he did not realize at first that he needed just such a union, but time put everything in its place and showed it.
And you can approach this differently. You can admit that this partnership suits you with him, you are comfortable, reliable, calm with him, and this is important to you. And the problem with sex in this situation can be solved in different ways.
Well, or you admit that the most important thing for you is not everyday companionship, but emotional relationships. But then you will have to admit (and voice this to your husband) that you are not satisfied with a “good relationship”, you need an emotional relationship in which there is warmth, closeness, passion, tenderness, affection and interest in each other not only at the everyday level.
Neither option is scary - people have different things different stages life suits you or doesn’t suit you, and everything has its own reasons. The key question remains - which option suits you? One thing you have to accept is that you can’t count on an emotional and passionate relationship here. In another, you will most likely have to either break up or at least go through a serious crisis, as a result of which your relationship will either change towards more emotional ones, if your husband decides that the option to separate does not suit him, or he still cannot take some steps in this direction and you both will finally understand that you are not suitable for each other.
How do you feel - what is more important to you now, your well-established companionship in everyday life and general comfort, or emotions and sex in a relationship?

I can’t call him an unemotional person, or just an everyday companion either. He really senses my mood, if I don’t smile or joke, he immediately asks what happened, what’s wrong with me? Trouble? Tell me, maybe I can help, etc.
His inner world He is completely open to me, we have common interests, we discuss everything, make plans together, he consults with me in all situations.
After I read your answer, I took a sheet of paper, divided it in half and wrote down all of it in one half positive sides, in the other negative. So, I turned the leaf over to the positive ones, because... One was not enough for me. And in the negative ones, I didn’t find anything except the lack of physical contact.
I don’t know how to explain this... he won’t just hug you or kiss you... but let’s say we’re driving in a car - he’ll grab your knee or something else... In bed - no movements... .but I must be close... he must feel me this way. I wanted to go to sleep in another room - so he simply rebelled against... he feels bad without me...
And for me everything is important. But sex is not at the forefront.
In short, it’s clear that the matter is dark)))))
I'm already confused myself...

In short, it’s clear that the matter is dark

But why? When you explain and tell, it becomes clearer.
For example, from this answer it is already clear that in your relationship there is more than just everyday companionship. There is friendship, there is even tenderness, there is a common feeling, etc.
But, on the other hand, for some reason the man does not want to admit this is a problem. It turns out that there is only one way out globally. I wrote about this once small text on one of the forums, I will quote it here in full:

Sometimes in a situation where one partner in the family is dissatisfied with something, and the second is “happy with everything” and “has no problems,” I sometimes say something completely non-therapeutic:

“Then make it a problem for him!”

If we think about this seriously, we will see certain patterns.

One is that a problem is always solved by the one for whom it is a problem. This is the law of the genre, that is, of human motivation. Why should a person invest energy in something that does not bother him or interfere with him? No need.

Secondly, if it’s not a problem for him that you have problems with him, it means he doesn’t hear your feelings and/or doesn’t attach importance to them (it’s unknown yet why - because he doesn’t want to in principle or because you didn’t convey it clearly) .

It follows from this that the only way involve him in solving your problem - make sure that your feelings and your problems become a problem for him too.

Ideally (well, this ideal is quite achievable during life, let's call it " healthy relationships") a priori, the problems of another become your problems simply because you created the relationship because of the desire to share life with another, and he is no less important to you than you are. After all, in your opinion, free choice now - part of your life. And it is impossible to ignore. But the path to this is sometimes long and difficult.

In ordinary life, it often happens that for many it is easier to run away from solving any problems or conflicts, and they will run away until the last moment. Until it becomes impossible to run.
And again the same conclusion - then make the person come running faster.

There is such a technique in many approaches to psychotherapy: to intensify an unpleasant experience to the maximum possible limit of tolerance. Then the problem becomes full height and it is no longer possible to ignore it, it is impossible not to meet with it, but at the moment of this extreme pain, a lot of resources arrive to solve the problem.

Crises in relationships can follow the same scenario. There is only one result - your partner may or may not admit that your problems can actually only be common in the family. If he begins to see you (even through pain), then your crisis may end with the emergence of another, deeper level of partnership. Or maybe divorce, yes.
But while your problems for your partner do not seem to exist, you are unlikely to be seriously satisfied with such a relationship, even if you are afraid of divorce like fire.

It turns out that one of the options for solving your problem is for it to become a problem for him too and for him to have a motive to solve it.
Or another option:

And in the negative ones, I didn’t find anything except the lack of physical contact.

Are you ready to put up with this for the sake of the advantages you described?

Then, it turns out, you just have to act in the chosen direction, recognizing that the methods of conveying your experiences to him have so far been ineffective, and that means you will have to try others.

What methods? Tears, screams and hysterics act on him like a red rag on a bull, he becomes angry and withdrawn or explodes... Conversations lead to nothing. What am I supposed to do? He has some kind of block. As if he is shy or afraid and is stalling for time. But he justifies everything with age and fatigue. At the same time, he constantly says - you need to wait. Like, give me time and everything will be fine.

Conversations lead nowhere.

This means that talking is no longer a method, since it does not help. Your actions don't change? A man continues to receive all the same benefits and remain in the same atmosphere, and if for him everything remains the same, except for conversations, but conversations do not work, then apparently, all that remains is to look for something that will affect him at the level REAL change Around him.

Tears, screams and hysterics act on him like a red rag on a bull, he becomes angry and withdrawn or explodes...

How did you want to change something, but at the same time in such a way that nothing would change and there would be nothing unpleasant?)))
Change is always unpleasant in some sense. But it makes sense to understand that your whole situation happened precisely because the OLD WAYS STOPPED WORKING. The old methods of interaction turned out to be no longer relevant, the old ways of partnership no longer satisfied at least one of you. And in this situation of crisis, it will be unpleasant and inconvenient for BOTH, because you will have to do something differently than before, and you will have to go into conflict, that is, make a clash of interests and your inability to exist in this visible to your partner. And to do this, try all the ways that will help him see and comprehend this task as truly important. Or everything will be as before and you will suffer quietly.

As if he is shy or afraid and is stalling for time. But he justifies everything with age and fatigue.

Well, as long as you allow it, time will continue to drag on.

At the same time, he constantly says - you need to wait. Like, give me time and everything will be fine.

Ok, ask which one specific date he is ready to identify solutions to problems. How many? A month, two, three? Six months, a year? How long would you be willing to wait? What is his plan of action? Or what exactly does he count on to solve the problem? What exactly will happen in this month, six months, or year in his understanding?

don't rush me, I'll tell you myself when I'm ready...

You have a choice. Either continue to disagree with the uncertainty (you have the right not to want to wait indefinitely and have the right to designate, set your own deadline that you are able to wait), or agree that you have no other choice, and are left to wait without any there were landmarks.
You're not stumped about him in the first place. And regarding YOURSELF. Because YOU cannot yet decide what to do with yourself in this situation and what attitude to develop in yourself, how to deal with this fact.

I can draw some conclusions. There is a fact that your man now lives quite comfortably without sex, this problem, even if it worries him, is not as much as the problem of voicing this topic, discussing it, understanding himself around this topic, etc. He does quite well conscious choice: to avoid any actions in this direction, and all his efforts are aimed at stopping the discussion of this topic and hushing up the situation.
You have the right to develop your own attitude to this fact. But you don't produce it. You are also not yet ready to be responsible for your position, and there is no position, in fact. For now, you are also at a stage where you are not ready to do anything about this problem. It turns out that you, like a man, are much more concerned about other tasks - maintaining the status quo, the absence of conflicts and the reluctance to firmly define your boundaries.
You can only change yourself. You can't do it. Therefore, you will have to develop your attitude to what is happening and express it in a very a certain form, backed up not only with words, but also with actions, any that will disrupt the previous order of things and will definitely tell your man that you cannot continue like this.
Or another option - you come to terms with what is and all the extra energy around this issue, or you dump it in emotional conversations (for example, with someone who will regret and sympathize, but will not bring you closer to any action), you will get a certain release and that’s all, or you will generally decide on the issue of sex with another man.
And about choice as such, I can tell you this (another short text, conveniently written recently):
The situation of choice itself no longer presupposes any ideal solutions. When you have an ideal solution - the choice does not make sense - you simply actively walk along the carpet of life that you have already found/collected/received as a gift from the universe - whatever. But if everything is generally good with you, you know where you are going, why and with someone - then what the hell is the choice? There is nothing to choose here.
If you find yourself in a situation of choice, then there is no longer any carpet. And therefore, the answer to all questions like “how to marry someone your parents don’t like, and not quarrel with them,” “how to change jobs so as not to suffer from adaptation, doubts and the need to gain authority,” “how to calculate all the risks, not having enough information but in such a way that with a guarantee of success,” and, in the end, “how to change everything without changing anything,” one - NO WAY.
If you are already in a situation of choice, then this most likely means that it will ALREADY not work out without conflicts, without suffering on one of the parties, without losses (even if you want to acquire something new and important, you will lose the old, and together with the advantages that this old thing still has), it won’t work without risk either. Choice is generally quite painful, if anyone doesn’t understand.
But not making it is an even more painful choice. Because in this case, the choice will be made for you, and by this time you will be exhausted to the extreme by trying to sit on both chairs, you will break your ass, and evaluate this choice (and even the relative high from the responsibility removed from yourself for this choice) anyway. you can't.
And the search" perfect solution with a guarantee" can drag on for years. Or for a lifetime. And life, consisting of a chain of unmade choices, unpleasant decisions and refusal to control yourself, in the end it will be more like traveling in a cart, where the horse controls you, and you can only wonder why the cart shakes so much and you feel so sick...

The appearance of a child in a family is definitely a transition of the family to new level. This is not comparable to planning a vacation or choosing a car. And many women in such a situation, in order to feel more confident and calm, would like to formalize their relationship.

From a psychological point of view, it is not so important whether the spouses have a stamp in their passport if both partners are satisfied with their situation and feel comfortable in a civil marriage. The main thing is that the family is harmonious. For a child in a civil marriage, the main thing is loving parents, peace in the family, even during it intrauterine development. If both of the couple really don’t want “officialdom,” then it’s better to leave everything as it is. True, before the birth of a child in a civil marriage, it is better to discuss legal issues with your husband: the child’s surname, where to register him, etc.

However, if a woman suddenly understands: I want to get married, but the man doesn’t want to get married, the couple faces a difficult choice.

Why do women want to get married?

First of all, you need to understand why a woman wants to get married. There may be several reasons:

1. Dream of a beautiful holiday. For many girls, a wedding is proof of a man's love. Let the celebration be modest, but with a white dress, surrounded by loved ones and friends. And then, it’s nice to feel like a beautiful bride in the spotlight.
2. Family education. Most women from childhood absorb the idea that children should be born in an official marriage. And even if they live in a civil union, they still expect to register their marriage in the future, especially if pregnancy has already occurred.
3. Rights of a child in a civil marriage. Many women believe that the rights of a child in a civil marriage are violated.
4. Status. After marriage, many girls develop inner pride from the realization of the fact: I’m married! And this gives the woman “weight” in her husband’s family. For example, in the case conflict situation with his relatives, no one will dare to say to her: “Who are you here?” If the marriage is formalized, then she will answer: “I am his wife.” And this is an argument! And phrases like “I am his common-law wife” will generate answers: “We know such wives, today one, tomorrow another.”
5. Convenience in the social sphere. If a woman has a child in a civil marriage, she often experiences discomfort when communicating with the administration in kindergartens, schools, authorities social protection and other official authorities. In such cases, they constantly require some additional certificates and confirmations, the collection of which takes time and effort. A stamp in your passport eliminates such bureaucratic red tape.

A woman should remember or write down those arguments regarding official marriage that are important to her. They will be useful to her when talking with her husband.

Why don't men want to get married?

So why don't men want to get married? It must be said that there are men who actively resist registering marriage, objective reasons. As a rule, this is associated with psychological trauma.

First reason– failed marriage of parents (divorce or “life in scandals”). Child who survived similar situation in childhood, he may decide for himself: it is better not to marry than to exist like his parents. And he delays the wedding moment as long as possible, driven by the thought that after this discord will begin in his personal life, i.e. he believes that this is how he “saves” his relationship!

The second reason- unsuccessful own official marriage, ending in divorce.

Third reason– lack of self-confidence, in one’s ability to provide for a family (or remain interesting to one’s already legal wife, becoming a good father, fear of change).

Reason four- alas, he is not sure of his choice.

What to do if a man doesn't want to get married?

Here a lot depends on the woman herself, on her wisdom and tact. First of all, you need to know your man, find out true motives his reluctance to go to the registry office. And this is not an easy task, since men often do not understand this themselves. But if in a couple trusting relationship, there is a chance to find the necessary information from the stories of your other half about family, friends, dreams and plans. Perhaps he will agree to go to family psychologist together to understand the reasons for his wife’s dissatisfaction and his commitment to the idea of ​​civil marriage. The main thing here is to be patient and attentive to your partner and his feelings. There is no need to interrogate. When the reasons why a man clings to his “freedom” become clear, then one can imagine how to behave in order to improve the situation in the family.

It is not that rare that pregnancy occurs before the couple reaches the registry office. In this case, a woman often hopes that expecting a baby will push her partner to take a decisive step. But if this does not happen, and she really wants to receive a marriage proposal, then she should properly prepare for the conversation.

How to come to an agreement if you are pregnant

First you need to calm down and tune in to a calm wave. Say to yourself: “I am expecting a child from a loved one, and this in itself is happiness. I don’t yet know whether he will propose to me or not, but I know for sure that I want to save our relationship. I love him and he is dear to me. Therefore, I will not put pressure on him and blackmail him with pregnancy.” If future dad reacted positively to the news about the replenishment, this is already positive factor. A good, smooth relationship with a partner, his support is what everyone needs to the expectant mother. And now - approximate diagram conversation.

1. Choose a time and place. A man should not be tired or immersed in any worries. You can wait for an “excuse”, for example, a report about someone’s wedding on TV, but this is not at all necessary. And do not say in advance (for example, on the phone during the day) that you would like to talk in the evening important topic. This will make the man wait for the conversation with tension.
2. Start a conversation. The beginning is very important. Think about what you will say, but avoid a long introduction. For example, you can start like this: “We once talked about legitimizing our relationship. I would like to return to this topic."
3. The basis is your relationship. During this conversation, the most important thing is to say that you would like to see him as your partner in life. Talk about feelings for him, about trust. There is no need to focus on future paternity, this is in in this case“weak” argument, because he can be a full-fledged father even in a situation of an unconcluded marriage. A child living in a civil marriage receives the same fatherly love, as in the official one.
4. Prepare your arguments in advance. A man who does not want to get married will certainly ask what exactly changes the stamp in the passport. You will have to tell why formalizing your marriage is so important to you. This is where writing down notes about why a marriage is important to you comes in handy.
5. Don't rush! You need to end the conversation on a positive note. Give your husband time to think, emphasizing that although marriage is very important to you, you respect any decision he makes. And be prepared to wait. It’s best until he brings up the topic again.

So the man with whom you live in a civil marriage will receive an impulse that will make him reconsider his views. For some couples, this charge comes from the possibility of purchasing housing together, in others it comes from job prospects that are open only to married employees, and for others, parents or friends help them make a decision. The most important thing is to choose the right “key”.

Carefully! Often women begin to get offended, insist, and start scandals on the topic “I’m pregnant, I want to get married.” And thus they not only fail to achieve their goal, but also lose their partner.

The only path a woman should not take, no matter how strong her desires, is manipulation, deception and coercion. Of course, each case is individual, but if a woman wants happy, harmonious relations, she will need a thoughtful attitude towards potential legal spouse. After all, even if for some reason he categorically does not want to get married officially, this does not mean that he does not love you or will be a bad dad. This is not at all true; often in a civil marriage, a man and a woman take their relationship very seriously, and such a union is in no way inferior to a registered one. So first, understand yourself by deciding whether official marriage is really necessary for you? Perhaps this is just an established social tradition, which is given too much attention in our society, and you can be happy without the notorious stamps in your passport? And it is quite possible to solve legal problems in other ways (for example, by registering part of the jointly acquired property in your name). The main thing is that harmony, respect, trust and, of course, love for each other reign in your couple!

When should you not get married?

• When there is a situation “either we get married or we separate.” In this case, perhaps the second option is better, since misunderstandings most likely have accumulated in the relationship, and a wedding will not erase it.
• When there are many obvious conflicts in a relationship that need to be resolved. Resolve conflicts first, and then you can think about the wedding.
• When less than six months have passed since the meeting and the beginning of the relationship (or better yet, a year). There may not be enough time to get to know each other.

What they write on

My husband and I got married a week before leaving for maternity leave. He was 40 and I was 31 when we met him. There was no special reason to get married. But six months later I became pregnant. At first they didn’t want to change anything, but closer to the birth they decided that children should be born in a legal marriage. It will be very difficult to explain to a growing child why something in his family is different from others. But this is our opinion. And then, from the point of view of the law, the rights of the child and mother are protected only in the case legal marriage. Now in the Family Code there is no such concept as civil marriage.

As a result, there have already been cases when an accident happened to a common-law husband (he died), and the wife could not even live in the apartment, since it was registered in the name of her husband, although it was acquired during cohabitation. I don’t want to scare anyone, but we need to think about children right away.

My husband and I have been living in a civil marriage for 6 years now, and I don’t see anything unnatural in this. The main thing is that there is harmony between you. And the conversation about marriage began to arise only now, when he found out that he would be a daddy.

And if we do this, it will be only for the sake of our baby. And so, I think, everything is God’s will, but numerous relatives tortured me with questions. At first I was also shy, but then I thought - I don’t have to explain anything to anyone, and if it’s good for us, then so be it.

Today we have to examine such a concept as a common-law husband. Who is it? What rights do common-law spouses have? What features should you pay attention to first? The point is that the concept of civil marriage cannot be interpreted unambiguously. In Russia, this term is interpreted in several senses. About all of them we'll talk. Otherwise, you can get confused and not understand what kind of civil marriage we are talking about. There is a legal interpretation, and there is a generally accepted one. These two concepts should not be confused. But what do they give? What rights and responsibilities do spouses have in this or that case? About all the features of a civil marriage - further.

Laws and codes

The first thing you should pay attention to is the terminology that is found in codes in Russia. - this is an officially registered relationship. They do not imply the participation of the church in the process.

In fact, such a relationship is a union registered in the registry office between a man and a woman. Quite often, this feature is simply called marriage, without the “civil” component.

Despite this, the full interpretation of the term is found in Russian legislation and codes. So a common-law husband is a woman’s official husband, a person with whom she registered a relationship with the registry office.

Confirmation

As confirmation of registration, the newlyweds will be issued a certificate. It indicates the initials of the couple, what surname will be assigned to the wife, the place where the relationship was registered and the date of registration. In fact, a civil marriage is an official wedding.

You can play it in Russia from the age of 18. This is a completely voluntary decision of adult citizens. Under certain circumstances, the newlyweds retain the right to register early, that is, until they reach the age of majority (at 16 years old). For example, if the future husband and wife are emancipated. Or when pregnancy occurs.

In any case, after the painting, the couple is given a marriage certificate. And from now on they are considered an official family. Their relationship is registered legally. Spouses have certain responsibilities and rights that are regulated by the Family Code. But everyone should know the basic principles.

Responsibilities and rights

What rights does a common-law husband have? Exactly the same as my wife. The point is that according to the Family Code, spouses in a registered marriage are equal in their rights. But there are still some restrictions. The point is that marriage is a serious responsibility. It entails special consequences. And you have to understand this.

What rights do spouses have in a civil marriage? The Family Code of the Russian Federation indicates that:

1. A common-law husband and wife have freedom to choose their activities and place of residence. That is, a person can work where he wants. Or don't work at all. He also has the right to live in any territory. Usually spouses live together.
2. All questions regarding paternity and maternity, raising and educating children, managing everyday life and disposing of property acquired during marriage are dealt with by mutual consent. These topics are resolved taking into account the equality of citizens.
3. The responsibilities of spouses include building relationships based on mutual respect and equality. A husband and wife must do everything to improve the well-being of the family, maintain a favorable environment, and also support each other financially. It is most important.
4. The choice of a surname is the right of those getting married. When getting married, citizens can decide which surname they should take - husband/wife or keep the premarital name. In some cases it is allowed to combine surnames. Usually women take their husbands' surnames.

But everything previously listed is not the only features. IN Family Code contains a lot important norms regarding civil marriage. To what other key points worth paying attention to?

Property

For example, on property issues. As practice shows, this topic very often causes controversy, especially during divorce. Many people do not know how to divide property. The legislation of the Russian Federation helps to understand this.

In a marriage, there are several types of property: personal and joint. The first type is everything that was acquired before marriage and registered in the name of one or another spouse. Personal property also includes everything that was transferred during marriage under a gift agreement, and is also intended for personal use (clothing, linen).

But this is what is acquired in marriage. It doesn't matter who it's registered to. Personal property cannot be divided during a divorce, but common property is divided. And at this moment certain disputes arise.

According to the law, all common property is divided in a 50/50 ratio, that is, in half. But at the same time, it is possible to establish a special principle for the division of everything acquired jointly. This is done using marriage contract. It is concluded with a notary at any time after registering the relationship in the registry office. It sets out the rules for dividing property.

Personal and general

A common-law wife or husband can recognize personal property (usually real estate) as common property. This rule is prescribed by law Russian Federation. In what case is this possible?

If one of the spouses, at his own expense (this is important!), has significantly improved the condition of the husband/wife’s property, then such property is recognized by the court as joint property. For example, if it was done major renovation in the house or restoration.

It is worth paying attention: the finances that each spouse receives in the form of earnings are considered common. But the inheritance and money transferred by deed of gift are personal. This factor will have to be taken into account.

About inheritance

Inheritance of a common-law husband or common-law wife, as a rule, is not recognized common property. In fact, this property is what was due before marriage. But under certain circumstances (they have already been mentioned) it is possible to transform the inheritance into common property.

In addition, it is worth paying attention: common-law spouses are If the husband/wife dies, then part of the property is inherited by the wife/husband accordingly. The property is also claimed by the parents of the deceased and all the person’s children, both adults and minors.

There are no more features. It can be said that a common-law husband has the right to act as an heir after the death of his wife, and vice versa. But only if the relationship was really officially registered.

About children

Issues related to children, mainly minors, require special attention. All children born to a couple in a civil marriage are automatically recognized as common children. That is, the husband, even if he is not biological father, will be included, if there is a marriage certificate, in the child’s first document as a father.

If the marriage is not the first, then the children of the common-law husband or wife from previous relationship- these are stepsons and stepdaughters. They are not considered relatives of the next spouses. No rights or responsibilities for raising a child new wife No.

In order for the child of one of the spouses to be officially considered the child of the couple equally, it is necessary to go through the adoption procedure. Then the wife (if the man has children from a previous marriage) is assigned the rights of a mother. And she, along with her husband, will have to take care of the minor and raise him like her own. Without adoption, children from previous marriages are strangers to new spouses.

It is worth noting: no one relieves responsibility for the maintenance and care of a child, even after entering into a new marriage. And if the common-law husband had minor children previously, he will have to at least pay alimony for maintenance. Him, but not his new wife.

Popular understanding

Nevertheless, it has already been said: there is a different interpretation of civil marriage. Officially registered relationships among people are simply called “marriage.” And civil cohabitation is often understood as ordinary cohabitation.

Thus, common-law wives are men. The couple leads a common life, can plan children, but at the same time they are not connected official relations. For some (especially men), this technique is very convenient. Why?

If you think about what rights a common-law wife has, you can answer - none. Only those that each person has personally. But as a wife, a woman has no rights, just as a man does not have the rights of a husband. In this case, the woman usually performs all functions real wife- provides for everyday life, quite often earns money and distributes it for “family” needs. But cohabitation does not imply any responsibility to each other. People are in relationships of the “want to, break up” type.

Such “spouses” cannot act as heirs; the property is considered to belong to the person in whose name it is registered. No responsibility. Cohabitation, or, as it is called, civil marriage, is an illusion of family. In fact, two strangers simply live in the same apartment.

What to choose

Many people think what is better - civil marriage or cohabitation (in the legal sense). It's difficult to decide. Everything depends on people's intentions. The common-law husband is the official representative of the family, hope and support. A person who is responsible for children and wife. A cohabitant is simply a man who is cared for by a woman.

The official conclusion of the relationship is its logical continuation. This is the real creation of a family. However, cohabitation is an intermediate period between the stages of “just a couple” and “official family”. It is recommended not to delay it. And formalize the relationship at the registry office.

The most important thing is not to confuse exactly what understanding of civil marriage we are talking about. The legislative framework These concepts have huge differences. And you need to remember: only officially registered relationships give spouses certain rights and responsibilities!