A 3-year-old child does not speak in kindergarten. If a child is not friends with anyone: the fight against childhood loneliness

Ekaterina Morozova

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A child by nature strives to explore the world around him, to get acquainted with new things and people around him. But it also happens that a child does not get along well with his peers, and is hardly friends with anyone in kindergarten or on the playground. Is this normal, and what should I do to successfully socialize my baby?

Violation of a child’s socialization among peers - how to identify problems

It sounds a little blasphemous, but sometimes it even becomes convenient for parents that their child is always near them, is not friends with anyone, does not go to visit and does not invite friends over. But such behavior of a child is most likely abnormal, because loneliness in childhood can hide a whole layer of intra-family problems , child socialization problems , mental disorders , even nervous and mental illnesses . When should parents start sounding the alarm? How to understand that your baby is lonely and has communication problems?

Of course, these signs do not always indicate pathology - it happens that the child is very withdrawn by nature, or, conversely, is self-sufficient and does not need company. If the parents noticed a number of warning signs which speak of the child’s pathological unsociability, his reluctance to make friends, problems in socialization, it is necessary take action immediately until the problem becomes global and difficult to fix.

The child is not friends with anyone in kindergarten or on the playground - the reasons for this behavior

What to do if the child is not friends with anyone? Ways to overcome this problem

1. If a child is an outsider in a children's group due to insufficiently fashionable clothes or a mobile phone, you should not rush to extremes - ignore this problem or immediately buy the most expensive model. You need to talk to your child about what item he would like to have. , discuss the plan for the upcoming purchase - how to save money to purchase a phone, when to buy, which model to choose. This way the child will feel significant because his opinion will be taken into account – and this is very important.
2. If a child is not accepted by the children's team due to excessive fatness or thinness, the solution to this problem can be in playing sports . It is necessary to enroll your child in a sports section and start a program to improve his health. It’s good if he goes to the sports section with one of his classmates, friends from the playground, kindergarten - he will have more opportunities to contact another child, to find a friend and like-minded person in him.
3. Parents need to understand themselves, and also make their child understand - Because of what actions, qualities, antics of his, his peers do not want to communicate with him . The child needs to be helped to overcome difficulties in communication, as well as his own complexes, and in this work very good support will be consultation with an experienced psychologist .
4. A child who has difficulties in social adaptation, parents can talk about their own experiences in childhood when they also found themselves alone, without friends.
5. Parents, as the people closest to the child, should not brush aside this childhood problem - loneliness - in the hope that everything will “go away on its own.” You need to devote maximum attention to the child, attend children's events with him . Since a child who has difficulties communicating with peers feels most at ease in his familiar home environment, it is necessary to arrange children's parties at home - both for the baby’s birthday and just like that.
6. The child must feel the support of your parents . He needs to constantly be told that they love him, that together they will solve all problems, that he is strong and very confident. The child can be entrusted distribute candy or apples to children on the playground – he will immediately become an “authority” in the children’s environment, and this will be the first step in his proper socialization.
7. Every initiative closed and indecisive child needs to be supported and encouraged . Any steps he takes, however awkward, towards establishing contacts with other children should be encouraged and praised. Under no circumstances in front of a child You can’t speak badly about those children with whom he most often plays or communicates - this can kill in the bud all his further initiative.
8. For the best adaptation of the child it is necessary teach to respect other children, be able to say “no,” manage their emotions and find acceptable forms of demonstrating them to the people around. The best way to adapt a child is through group games with the participation and under the wise guidance of adults. You can organize fun competitions, theatrical performances, role-playing games - everything will only be beneficial, and soon the child will have friends, and he will learn how to properly build contacts with people around him.
9. If a child who has no friends is already attending kindergarten or school, parents need to share your observations and experiences with the teacher . Adults should think together about ways to socialize this baby, his gentle infusion into the active life of the team .

Ekaterina asks
Our son is 3 years and 1 month old. There is only one child in the family. The family is complete - mom, dad. Surrounded by a large number of relatives (grandparents). The pregnancy was easy, without complications, delivery was on time, Apgar scores at birth were 8-9, there were no birth injuries. From birth on mixed feeding, from 3 months - artificial. The child's development was normal: he began to walk and talk early. From the age of 2, he attended an early development group, where he was not interested in being with his peers, which manifested itself in non-participation in classes, whims, and demonstrative withdrawal from classes. The teachers decided that it was necessary to transfer him to a group with older children, after which he began to go to classes with great pleasure and interest. Until now, I have enjoyed visiting children's theaters, museums, and children's centers. The child was at home with a nanny from the age of 1. At the age of 3 I went to kindergarten. Adaptation to kindergarten is very difficult. During the first week it was left for 2 hours with a further gradual increase in the time spent in the garden. From now on, the child believes that he is forgotten in the garden, although we explain to him that no one ever forgets him, and he is one of the first to be taken away. I began to pee during night and daytime sleep. He always asks not to take him to kindergarten. They gave various arguments, ranging from how interesting and wonderful it is to be in the garden to the need to earn money, which we can then spend on toys and candy as well. To which he replies that he does not need toys and candy. When you explain that everyone is leaving for work and there is no one at home at this time, he says that he will sit alone. He is constantly trying to escape from kindergarten. In the morning we part for an hour with hysterics and bitter tears. In the garden he refuses to go to music classes and to the pool (at this time he sits alone in the group). To the question “why don’t you want to go” he answers “I’m not interested.” He also refuses to go to the early development group. He practically does not communicate with the children in the group. He categorically refuses to go to theaters, museums, and centers. On the weekend, having arrived at the children's club, when he saw many children and playrooms, he burst into tears while still in the cloakroom so much that he had to leave. Lately, he doesn’t even want to go outside for a walk. The kindergarten teachers pay him a lot of attention and take all possible measures on their part in order to interest him and facilitate this process. At home, too, he is constantly surrounded by attention. However, every day his behavior only gets worse. Question: how can you help your child adapt to kindergarten? How can this affect the child’s psyche (can any diseases appear against the background of constant nervous tension)? When can we draw conclusions that a child is not a gardener? How to interest him (for example, by going to a children's theater, a children's center, a class)?

Answer
Catherine! It is possible to determine that a child is “not a gardener” by the difficult course of adaptation. There are obvious signs of difficult adaptation in your son. By continuing to force him into the garden, you aggravate the state of anxiety. I advise you to take a break and not go to the garden for a while. By the way, exhortations about the fact that parents need to work, that money is needed for toys and candy are useless, because... young children are egecentric (which is normal and necessary for a child’s survival in our complex world and the development of his personality); what is important to them, first of all, is their own emotions, needs, and immediate desires. He is sad and bitter right now, and right now he needs his mother. The adaptation period is superimposed on the crisis period (crisis of 3 years - see), so all manifestations turn out to be even more acute and difficult for the child and those around him. Against the background of constant nervous tension, a variety of diseases can appear - from weakened immunity (hence numerous somatic manifestations, frequent colds with complications, etc.) to psychological problems - enuresis, fears, obsessive states (afraid of being forgotten in the garden). It would be good to show the baby to a psychologist (maybe there is a psychological center in the kindergarten or in the city; many clinics also have child psychologists).

Elena asks
I transferred my girl to another kindergarten. The child will be 4 years old in October. We were accepted into the junior group. Those. This is the second year we will be attending the junior group. Purpose of translation: this is a kindergarten school, i.e. After finishing kindergarten, the child will go to primary school there. In the group there are children who were already 3 years old on September 1, and my child was the oldest. I am very worried whether this is normal, at this age six months to a year is a big difference. Educators build a program taking into account 3-year-olds, they are given tasks that my child is no longer interested in. I’m at a crossroads, I don’t know what to do, ask the teachers to give more difficult tasks or return to the old kindergarten in the middle group. I'm afraid to transfer to the middle group in this kindergarten, because my daughter has only gotten used to it a little and again transfer is another trauma. Please give me some advice, maybe I’m worrying in vain? Thank you.

Answer
Elena! It is necessary to take into account the peculiarities of the daughter’s development - if she is a developed girl and she is really not interested in activities for children, if there are no peers in the group, it is better to transfer her to another group in this kindergarten. Asking educators to give more complex tasks and extra workload is possible, but it is difficult to do and practically useless - they work according to a program designed for a certain age, children’s education is based on imitation of adults and each other, i.e. Your girl will imitate the kids and may “slide down” to their level. It’s strange that you didn’t think about this earlier when you agreed to have your daughter study in a group of kids. It’s another matter if a girl’s level of development is approaching three years old, then it will be interesting and educational for her to be in this particular group, but it will be difficult for her to be in an older group.

Alena asks
My child is 3.5 years old. Our family is complete. He is our favorite and only child in the family. He went to kindergarten at the nursery group at 1.3. He went very well, did not cry, we, naturally, were all very happy about this, but a problem arose: it turned out that he did not communicate (do not talk) with either the children or the teachers. At home, he “stands on edge”, chats, plays, indulges, and as soon as he sees a stranger, he closes down and doesn’t utter a single word. This year I went to the junior group of kindergarten, 2 months have passed, and he still doesn’t talk to anyone. The teacher said that in 30 years she had the first such child. I don’t even know what to do. If you can, write an answer. Thank you!

Answer
Alena! First of all, it is necessary to exclude mental retardation and autism in the child; for this you need to see a child psychologist (and an experienced one, so that he can establish contact with the child) - the behavior at home seems familiar to you and therefore natural, and a specialist, by asking a series of questions, may notice problems. If the baby is healthy (I hope this is the case) you need to wait and watch - maybe he prefers to watch the children from the side, maybe he is shy and needs the help of an adult to join the general game (under the age of 4 this happens often) , maybe he is shy by nature (see on this topic). How long does this state of his last (the first minutes of a meeting with a stranger, 10-15 minutes, all the time, becomes isolated if increased attention is paid to him...) - all this matters.

The material is specially prepared
for children's portal
and published November 2, 2006.

Childhood is a time of discovery, meeting an unknown world and new people. But some kids prefer to sit in front of the TV or to hang out with friends. When going for a walk, they take mothers away from playgrounds and sandboxes. And in kindergarten such children do not play, but stand on the sidelines. Why is my child not friends with anyone and how can I help him socialize?

Socialization impairment – ​​when should you worry?

The lack of social contacts in children should alarm any parent. However, individual moms and dads are comfortable with a single child because it is convenient. All the time in sight, and does not disappear with friends from whom he can pick up bad habits. Busy with household chores and not on the phone. Does not bring home noisy peers, after which a migraine attack begins. It happens that adults themselves unwittingly isolate the baby due to constant anxiety and fears. Is this good? Of course not!

Reluctance to interact with your environment is a wake-up call. It is no secret that future life depends on the ability to communicate with peers: personal and professional success, achieving career heights. By what signs Can you guess that your child is lonely and has serious communication problems?

Note to moms!

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• The child constantly complains that the kids in kindergarten or school don’t want to play with him, be friends with him and even laugh at him. By the way, you will not hear such confessions from shy and introverted children.
• It is worth taking a closer look at behavior on the playground. The baby can run, swing on a swing, build a sand castle, but at the same time he does not interact with other children or, on the contrary, creates numerous conflicts.
• A kind of isolation is especially noticeable in a group or class where children spend most of the day together. Take a closer look at who your child communicates with, whether he asks anyone for help. At matinees, note how active he is, whether his classmates choose him as a couple for dances and competitions.
• The little unsociable person is not eager to talk about his kindergarten friends; you have to literally pull this information out of him. He does not suffer from a lack of friends, is extremely reluctant to go outside, and likes to stay home on weekends and play alone.
• The child is very reluctant to go to kindergarten or school, trying to find any loophole so as not to attend them. He returns from school/kindergarten upset and nervous. He answers any questions evasively: “I don’t want to talk about kindergarten”.
• Birthday turns into a really sad holiday without classmates. By the way, they also don’t want to see him at their own celebration.

Of course, there are children who do not particularly need company - for example, introverts or so-called child prodigies. They are self-sufficient and perceive any interference in relationships with peers with hostility. And yet, if you notice warning signs indicating serious difficulties in communication, take all necessary measures for better socialization of the child.

When trying to improve your child’s relationships with peers, be extremely tactful: do not force him to be friends with someone, do not force him to communicate with other children. Remember, careless interference in your personal living space can lead to undesirable consequences.

Hello, dear specialists!
My daughter is 3.8 years old, and we have problems with adaptation and socialization in kindergarten. My daughter started kindergarten 2 months ago. In fact, it has only been open for 1 month - there were illnesses, the garden was closed for repairs. I went to the garden with great reluctance initially. All the time before kindergarten, I sat with her, combining raising my daughter and freelancing. I deliberately didn’t send her to kindergarten until she was three years old—I wanted her to grow up. It’s clear that I didn’t expect that she would run with great pleasure from under her mother’s wing into the company of people she didn’t know. But I didn’t expect what we have now either. In general, the main points that worry me are:
1. The child does not say anything about the garden. he answers any questions, even the simplest ones, with the phrase: “Let’s not talk about the garden!”, “I don’t want to talk about the garden.” From conversations with other mothers, I know that the children are happy, that they are not offended, that the teachers are adequate (they don’t yell, don’t hit, don’t punish). The daughter herself doesn’t want to mention the kindergarten at all in conversation. I chalk it up to adaptation, but I really want to help. I don't know how. I absolutely can’t understand which side to approach it from.
2. The child does not communicate with anyone in the garden. I talk to the teacher, ask how and what is going on. She says that her daughter either sits alone and draws, or takes toys and plays with them herself. She began to avoid children altogether. I can't say she was hypersocial before. She is rather shy, modest, always holding on to my skirt. But older children were always more interesting to her than their peers and younger children. Now she tries to go somewhere where there are no children. This scares me. It's just scary.
3. The child has recently begun to eat constantly. She has a completely standard build - height 105, weight 16.5. I had never noticed anything like this before. Now she runs to the kitchen at least every 10 minutes or says that she is hungry. At the same time, we have 3 main meals and 2-3 intermediate ones. What is this? Is stress eating you up?
Dear experts, I am completely confused. Her condition frightens me. Maybe you have some practical advice for our family? How can I help her?
Sincerely,
Natalia

Answer from theSolution psychologist:

Your daughter is experiencing a strong feeling of fear.

This feeling of fear leads to the fact that her cognitive activity is paralyzed - that is why she secludes herself, does not communicate with other children, and prefers to play alone. A tendency toward shyness and the habit of “always holding on to your skirt” indicate that she does not feel safe. This is very typical for neurotic reactions.

The most important thing that you need to understand about neurotic reactions is that a person (whether a child or an adult) blocks his cognitive activity at the slightest, even imaginary, threat to his safety. Simply put, such a person is more likely to sit quietly and alone than to take the risk of learning something new. And this must be taken into account: an increased need for security, fear of activity, fear of novelty - this is reality. This problem is psychological in nature, that is, it has a conditioned reflex nature.

Sources of neurotic reactions

This is possible if a girl sees an example of similar behavior in her own family.
Please analyze the behavior of all family members involved in raising the girl. Who is used to scolding themselves for mistakes and failures? Who tends to react with fear to everything new, tends to be overly concerned about their safety and block cognitive activity in a stressful situation? Who is overly touchy and overreacts to criticism, prone to increased feelings of guilt and shame, and strives to become “correct, good and ideal”? Who compares themselves out loud or mentally with other people? Whose actions are aimed at earning “approval for impeccably good behavior”? Who scolds themselves for mistakes and has too many “correct” attitudes “how to live ideally”?

If you recognize your own behavior pattern in this, then it may be that the girl is simply copying you. The best way out is, of course, to remove neurotic reactions in yourself with the help of psychotherapy. Then the girl will copy more mature behavior patterns. Thus, it would be advisable for you to engage in the development of your own personality in order to remove the habit of fearfulness.