Husband's child from his first marriage. How to accept a husband's children from his first marriage - advice from a wise woman

The child of the spouse from the first marriage often becomes an obstacle which prevents a woman from establishing a harmonious relationship with her husband. The experiences of the second spouses in such a situation are usually typical: they do not like it when the husband spends a lot of time with his child, provides him with financial assistance, they are jealous. In fact, to resolve the situation so as not to offend anyone, although difficult, but quite real. To do this, the fair sex, who became the wife of a divorced man, must follow certain rules.

First, she will have to realize that changing the past is easy. impossible. It is not necessary to ignore the fact that the man used to have another family. Although he divorced his ex-wife, he still has obligations to a common child and there is no getting away from this. Therefore, a woman does not need to waste her mental strength on worrying about what has already happened. All the same, the child will remain a part of the life of the spouse.

No need to limit the communication of a husband with a child from a previous marriage. Otherwise, the resentment of a woman can negatively affect her relationship with her husband. The spouse should be able to decide for himself how much time he will spend with the first child. At the same time, his current wife should offer him to choose the days that he will devote only to his real family.

No need to object to the amount of alimony that the husband pays the child. This duty is assigned to a man by law, moreover, this indicates that the representative of the stronger sex is a decent person. Anything can happen in life, if suddenly a real marriage also ends in a break, a woman can be sure that her husband will not hide from paying alimony for a common baby.

But the amount of other expenses for the first child of the spouse should still be discussed. Of course, a woman should not argue with her chosen one over every chocolate bar that he buys for his son or daughter, but, for example, it is advisable to discuss the expediency of purchasing an expensive birthday present.

For a second wife, a situation is very painful when she herself have to communicate with the child of his spouse. In addition, children very often themselves show hostility towards their stepmothers. In such a situation, the fair sex must act according to the circumstances, since there is simply no universal solution to such a problem. In general, no one can demand from a woman that she love someone else's child. Enough millet friendly and polite to communicate with him.

If the child of the spouse shows aggression towards the current wife, she should talk to her husband and ask him to fix the situation. If positive changes do not occur, and the aggressive attitude does not disappear anywhere, it is best to minimize communication with the first child of your chosen one. In fact, a woman is not obliged to spend time with her husband and his child from his first marriage. A husband and his son or daughter may well communicate together.

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If the husband already has a child, what to do?

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Life is different. You could very well fall in love with a guy who already has his own backstory - a kid who seems to be growing up with him, but already without him. Let's try to tell you what to do in this situation, and how to behave.

First. Don't feel like you've been deceived.

If a guy honestly and immediately admitted to you that he is still a father, but no longer a husband, this is normal. Understand, he does not drag you into the “situation”, he simply tells what happened to him - do not be offended, please - before you, and his story is not a reason to immediately say goodbye if he is ... divorced. Unless, of course, you really love him and have not prepared for yourself a higher fate.

We emphasize: if he is “in the process of divorce”, “continues to live with his wife without love”, this is a reason to seriously think: you will not be able to control what he really does, and even more so, what plans he has for the future, but lead by the nose such "craftsmen" can live in two houses for months, if not years.

He can passionately convince you that there is no love and intimacy for a long time, that for the “third year” he has been heroically trying to solve the housing problem, that he has almost agreed to rent an apartment where you will start your life from scratch - do not believe it. A passport with one blot and separate residence is the only thing that can play here as an argument “for”, even if you are “madly in love”.

There remains one problem, though not entirely yours, the child.

Second. Don't block.

You will have to come to terms with the fact that your boyfriend is a father, and this, alas, is forever. Now, including, it depends on you how his communication with the child will go on. You can also tell yourself that your boyfriend is a sinner, a "stained" weakling and a loser, but then it's more a matter of your feelings.

Will you interfere with him and thereby test your newly begun relationship, or vice versa, will you be immensely liberal, allowing them to be together when they (plus his ex-wife, of course) want, the choice is by no means comforting. Come at least at two in the morning, my love, I'll wait! - from such proposals it reeks of either indifference, or pretense. Neither is an acceptable option.

If you firmly declare that you do not intend to put up with a child on the side, and you do not agree to allow even rare meetings on weekends, the reaction to such words can be explosive.

The circle of phrases that can be expressed to you, despite assurances of love and fidelity, is simply described: “And who are you to forbid me something ?!” - once. “I think you agreed that I have not only you. I'm sorry, but I can't dance to your tune" - two, etc., up to "You know, I understood what you are, and decided that we better not continue."

And all because a strict ban on communication can be understood unambiguously: you are afraid of competition from the “old life”. You are afraid that through the child his ex can get him again, and this is a sign of weakness.

Third. Don't yell and don't fawn.

It's okay to pretend like you don't care, but it's a cheap option.

You can’t care if on Saturday or Sunday, no matter what happens (and it will definitely be the weekend, because it’s almost impossible to see the child after work in the evenings), he will leave - understand, not from you, but to him - a baby who is his flesh, his blood. These relationships are important to him, and do not consider that you and your child are somehow competing here. The child is not to blame for anything. You are not rivals.

Therefore, do not scoff and do not drink your boyfriend at this moment, do not try to indicate unrest if you agreed that this relationship is possible.

It is clear that your family has a lot of things to do, and it is at the moment of his leaving to meet with the child that you feel like a mistress deprived of civil and human rights - but they agreed on a meeting, and you seem to be completely superfluous in this situation.

Firstly, this is not entirely true ... and secondly ... what can I say, this is clearly not the best moment of your (and your) life, especially if it repeats every week!

Don't pretend to enjoy these visits, you don't have to. But do not expect that you will be especially warmly thanked for your calmness. Another thing is important - if you do not throw tantrums every time he leaves to meet with a child, this will first be regarded as the norm, and only much later - as a small feat. Your feat.

No need to overdo it - with a big smile to say that you are happy to see such a strong relationship. Do not lie to yourself or to him - lying will not solve anything.

Of course, he can invite you with him, but keep in mind that the child is unlikely to want to see an outside aunt who dragged his dad away (his mother will explain you to him this way) and made him an orphan "with a living father." You don't have to make excuses because he chose you. You are here for nothing.

But the child, like the father, just wants to be together, without witnesses. In addition, your consent can be understood as an attempt to control, which is also somehow not comme il faut, given that he does not know you yet, and can easily decide that you are weak and distrustful.

Fourth. Trust.

They will go to the cinema or to an amusement park, eat a bucket of popcorn and a block of ice cream, talk for a week or a month in advance ... But at exactly so much in the evening the child will already cross the door of his house, and the father, waving his hand at the elevator, will refuse tea, if, of course, he is offered it (provided that the relationship after the divorce is more or less even).

Your job is to wait.

Fifth. Wait.

And, as cynical as it sounds, you have something to look forward to.

The fact is that Sunday fathers who have been faithful to their word and deed for decades are an almost unprecedented thing. Such a father will slowly, step by step, move away from his child to an ever greater distance. The secret is simple: no life together. Good contact at a distance is like living in different cities. The child of your first marriage will almost certainly be overshadowed by your common children ...

A child can love his father, but as soon as the first one enters puberty, he will be distracted by his problems, and if his mother also marries, he will consider the father of the one who lives next to him in the same apartment.

This is inevitable: the figure of the biological father will begin to fade and disappear. In five or ten years, they are unlikely to see each other more than once a year. The option of returning the father to the family because of the child and shared memories is vanishingly improbable, and the less time passes after the break.

Sixth. Support him.

A child on the side is a disaster. No one is to blame, just love is gone, and he, the child, remained.

It’s hard for your boyfriend to go and not to go where his blood will be the eternal reproach of the departed love. Try to support him. Do not be a bitch, ready to gouge the brain of everything that interferes with her.

Seventh. Tact and more Tact.

If you happen to meet a baby, don't act like you're convincing him of your suitability for the role of "daddy's wife." On his birthday, you can give him a toy with his father (only a new one!) - this is quite normal. By doing this, you will show that you care about their relationship, that you love children, etc. - you should not send a postcard with a wish from yourself, the mother of the child will most likely destroy it without passing it on.

If the child is bullied at the meeting, take it calmly: he is still entirely in the sphere of influence of the mother, who almost certainly says not the best things about you ...

And finally, the last thing: having come out of this situation with honor, you will pass the main test for the ability to put up with force majeure circumstances, to be loving, self-confident, which is truly priceless in our fleeting life.

Not all men manage to save their first marriage. Some families break up when relationships reach an impasse for various reasons. Children suffer the most - they are forced to be "between two fires". If a man decides to remarry, his second wife is also not easy - she has to communicate with her husband's children from his first marriage. Unfortunately, not all girls manage to find a common language with them. How to learn to get along with children from the first marriage of a spouse? How to accept them? How not to let negative emotions destroy your own family?

Communication between a husband and children from his first wife - how can it be?

When a man starts a new family, conflicts often arise between the parties. Children suffer the most in this situation, and it does not matter with whom they are left - with mom or dad. A new companion of her husband is unlikely to immediately fall in love with other people's children, which makes it doubly difficult for them. And what situations can the second spouse face?

• Children from the first wife live with their mother, and their father continues to maintain relations with them - he comes to visit them, takes them to his place during the holidays, gives gifts. The new wife has to endure the frequent visits of the children and be nice to them, although this situation irritates her in her soul;
• Dad does not communicate with children from the first family, does not participate in their upbringing, and the ex-wife harasses with calls, demanding participation in their lives. This infuriates both the man and his new wife;
• If the child has already matured, he himself visits his father in his house, sometimes he stays overnight. The new wife does not like this, but she cannot influence the circumstances;
• The children remained in the care of the husband and live with him (at their own request or by a court decision). Then the new companion will have to take over their upbringing.

The current wife needs to make every effort to maintain the relationship of the father with his children. In order to promote this, misbehavior must be avoided. What?

• You can't forbid them to see each other;
• Do not get annoyed when children come to visit dad;
• Do not make scenes, accompanying them with the words: “Whose children are more important to you?”;
• Do not be jealous of your husband's ex-wife, do not take out anger and irritation on his children;
• Do not commit rash acts that would lead to a break in relations.

How should a new spouse act in order to maintain peace and love?

• When the husband's child comes to visit, try to help the spouse receive him well;
• Remind when the child has a holiday or any significant event;
• Try to create a pleasant atmosphere at home so that the father and children feel comfortable communicating. Positive emotions will help children to more easily endure the divorce of their parents;
• If the child lives with the father, the new wife should accept him as her own. It is important to learn how to calmly respond to visits and calls from your ex-wife, because she is a mother, her participation in the lives of children is necessary;
• Accepting the fact that a child from a husband's first marriage is part of his life cannot be changed. There are only two options - to accept a spouse with his children or to look for a man who is not burdened by past relationships;
• Treat him and your children with equal love, care, equally share gifts, food and clothing, create the same restrictions for everyone.

How to stop feeling jealousy and hatred for the children of her husband?

Why can a second wife experience negative feelings towards her husband's children - anger, hatred and jealousy? There are several reasons for this:

1. The woman does not have a child.
2. She doesn't like children at all.
3. The new wife is jealous of the former.
4. A woman does not want to share a spouse with anyone at all.
5. Greed - You have to spend a lot of money to support a child.
6. Resentment - the girl believes that her husband is more concerned about the well-being of his children than her own.

How to deal with these emotions?

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1. It is important to realize that a man will not be able to delete children from his first wife from his life, he will keep in touch with them - to see, call, buy gifts. There are situations when fathers stop all relations with the former family, but this rarely happens.
2. Never ask your husband to choose between you and his child, more often the choice will not be made in your favor.
3. Try to find an approach to his children, try to become their friend. The spouse will certainly appreciate it, he will be happy knowing that you love his kids as your own.
4. If you have negative feelings for his ex-wife, do not splash them out on the children.

How to build friendly relations with children from the husband's first marriage?

The main thing is to put yourself in the place of a child - imagine what it is like for him in a new family? It doesn't matter if he lives here permanently or comes to visit his dad. He resembles a small kitten lost in an unfamiliar place. If scandals and scenes often arise in your house, dissatisfaction is expressed about the former family, then the children seem to be “not at ease”. But your main task is to win their authority to create a trusting relationship. How to do it?

• If the child is open to communication with you and easily makes contact, do not push him away. He should not think that interferes with your relationship with his dad;
• Children have the right to be jealous of their father for you, because you came into his life later. Show in practice that you will not fill all your spouse's free time with yourself. Help your spouse organize walks with your son or daughter, and gradually join the company yourself. Pleasant moments experienced together bring people together;
• Getting used to the role of a good stepmother, do not overdo it. No need to lisp with a child, put on a smile, fill him with gifts and convince you that you are delighted with him. Children always feel false. It is clear that it is almost impossible to fall in love with someone else's child at once, but you should not play in public either. Act carefully and gradually. Step, another, third. Over time, you will get used to each other;
• Do not put the interests of your children above the interests of your spouse's child. Treat everyone the same even though it's not easy;
• Come to terms with the fact that the husband continues to communicate with his ex-wife - this is necessary and inevitable. Pacify your jealousy, it is meaningless, because the man has already made a choice in your favor. If you yourself do not destroy the relationship with stupid deeds, your husband will love you.

What should a father do in order to maintain relations with children from his first wife?

Men with inflated self-esteem may not feel uncomfortable knowing that two women are competing over him. If this situation did not affect children, it could be ignored. Therefore, a man who remarried, and now he has children in both the first and second families, needs to behave correctly. What should he remember and how to act?

• Respect the feelings of the new spouse. Communicate with the former in such a way as not to give rise to outbursts of jealousy to the new wife;
• Be a good father to children from both the first and second marriages, give them equal support, give time to each of them;
• If you are offended by your first wife, this is not a reason to leave the children, because they love you as before;
• No matter how “infectious” your ex is, be above this situation: never say anything bad about her - neither to your children in common with her, nor to your new wife;
• When a new companion makes attempts to make friends with your children, to find a common language, give her support. It is really difficult for her to restrain resentment and pacify her jealousy;
• Create such a transparent relationship with your ex-wife that the current one can be completely confident in you. So you will avoid misunderstandings and quarrels on the topic: “Did you go to your ex again?”, Then you won’t have to explain that the mother of your children asked to help her with the child.

Let the children and not your relatives, but your husband, you are able to make them happy. Try to build good and lasting relationships with them, then real peace and harmony will reign in your family.

Jealous of her husband for his child from his first marriage ...

I feel a terrible sense of jealousy for my husband's child from his first marriage. I do not say anything to my husband, but inside me is a flame of jealousy. And I myself can not understand why. The child is already big, 10 years old. But my husband spends his time and attention on him. And it hurts me. I read an article about the fact that it is good that a man communicates with a child from his first marriage, but this does not calm me down in any way ...

How not to be jealous of a husband for a child from a previous wife

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When remarrying, most men leave children in the first family, whom they do not stop caring for. Often, the husband’s children from their first marriage stay in the second family for various reasons: the ex-wife’s poor financial situation, her departure from the country to foreign countries, or her own decision with a desire to gradually return her husband’s love and family.

To love or not to love, to be a new family or not to be?

Not every woman who has created a family with a divorced man wants or can raise her husband's child. Sometimes a woman begins to be jealous of her husband for his past, ex-wife and children, and sometimes she simply does not have enough experience to raise her husband's adult daughter from her first marriage or several children.

Often between two women (wives) there is a confrontation and rivalry in the desire to take possession of the heart of a man and possess it alone. In this cold war, different methods are used to keep a happy family, but only children suffer. Children take all the negativity and disagreements between the father and stepmother personally and are constantly in a stressful state.

In other cases, the second wife gets along with the children and takes good care of them, but is also under stress due to jealousy of the ex-wife and her children, fear of losing a loved one, therefore, makes irreparable mistakes that the man cannot accept or forgive.

Marrying a divorced man, a woman must understand and firmly accept her beloved with all his past, which has become an integral part of his life. It makes no sense to change or forget your past, therefore, in order to create a strong family, a woman needs to come to terms and accept her husband with her children, or find another man for herself, without a “burden” behind her.

If a daughter or son of a husband from his first marriage lives in a new family, it is important to understand that the ex-wife can participate in raising the child, visit him, call the ex-husband, which is necessary for the well-being and peace of mind of both the child and all adults around him and educators. In turn, the stepmother should discuss with her husband the methods of raising and caring for his child. It is impossible to separate joint children from step-daughters or sons in terms of nutrition, clothing, routine and regime in the family, attention and love. You can't love a child more or less. They are either loved or not loved. If a woman cannot love her husband's child from her first marriage, she should not start a family with such a man, since she herself will suffer first of all. Love and well-being in the family will be replaced by anger and irritation, which will lead to divorce.

What if…

If the child remained in the first family, then the woman will have to come to terms with the fact that the ex-wife will call her husband with messages about the child’s health, his successes or problems, or asking him to buy something for him, take him to the cinema or the zoo. In this case, the psychological well-being of the new wife fades into the background, since the ex-wife considers herself a victim, not an aggressor - she will no longer have the opportunity to give birth and raise a child with her former husband in a complete family. Therefore, you need to find strength and treat with understanding her regular visits in her husband's life.

It will be better for everyone if the wife does not interfere with the communication of the husband with the child and wife from his first marriage. A woman who tries to maintain excellent relationships in the family will herself remind her husband that he has a child who needs the attention of his father. She herself will find opportunities and ways to create good relations with his children, she will not transfer all the negativity associated with jealousy for her ex-wife to her husband's child.

A smart and far-sighted woman does not associate love for a child with the relationship between her and his father, she remembers that her husband chose her to love and create a family, and now he is next to her. She understands that a child is much weaker than an adult and is more difficult to endure the divorce of her parents, therefore she is not able to take away the love and attention of a man from her. If the presence of someone else's child still weighs on a woman, you need to leave your husband alone with the child as much as the situation requires.

A woman who constantly wants to have an extremely close emotional relationship with her husband, most often, becomes jealous of her beloved’s past, since she considers him “the very best” and the only one in the world and wants her husband to treat her the same way. She understands that her husband also had feelings for other women, which further exacerbates jealousy and causes fear, because in those emotional connections of her husband she was not and never will be. She is afraid that he may return to his ex-wife, constantly comparing himself with her, the efforts of experiencing and jealousy, and dumping negativity on the child.

To prevent this from happening, it is necessary to rely on real events in which current relations are very important. A woman needs to take into account that her husband chose and loves her for those qualities that are valuable and significant to him. She must thank her ex-wife in her heart for the child, to whom her husband is so happy, who just can unite and strengthen their family.

If a wife does not trust her husband, if she feels insecure in herself and her abilities, friction arises in relations between her, her husband and his child. A confident woman will not suspect her husband of having an ex-wife. If, at the sight of your reflection in the mirror, your own attractiveness does not please a woman, then in order to interest a man for many years, you need to go to a spa or hairdresser, visit a stylist - take care of your appearance! Then confidence will return, and suspicions of all the mortal sins of the husband will disappear, relations with his children will improve.

How to win the authority of a child

A child always feels the attitude towards himself from his parents, especially from his stepmother: love or attention or irritation and anger. They see all the actions of adults who are trying to quickly "get rid" of the child, then he considers himself an annoying hindrance in the relationship between father and stepmother. In other cases, the child sees all the efforts of the parents to create friendly relations in the family, so he is gradually imbued with respect and love for his stepmother, because no one can be forced to love himself overnight.

Sometimes a child is jealous of his father, as he previously owned him completely. Now he has to share his father's love with his new mother. In this situation, a woman needs to show her husband's child that she does not claim all his father's free time, more often organize joint walks or games for them. Nothing brings people together better than shared positive emotions. Time will pass, and the child will no longer oppose himself to his stepmother.

If the husband is in no hurry to have joint children, this also becomes a stumbling block between her other people's children. In order for the dreams of your own child to come true, you need to take your husband's child as an ally. With a trusting and kind relationship between the stepmother and her husband's child, she will be able to convince him of the need to have a brother or sister. Then the son or daughter themselves will ask the father that he and the stepmother give them a little and dear friend or girlfriend.

When a woman builds her relationship with her husband's child, it is not recommended to show excessive lisping and exaggerate her delight from communicating with him, to give a large number of gifts. So the stepmother can cultivate a consumer attitude towards herself. You need to show attention and be interested in his affairs, give advice without imposing your opinion. You should always be interested in what the child himself wants and discuss it with the husband when the need arises. Love between a stepmother and a child will sooner or later arise along with a trusting relationship. With age, the child will understand that building such relationships is sometimes very difficult and difficult.

How does the child feel in the new family?

If you look at the situation of a father's marriage to a strange woman through the eyes of a child whose life is cardinally changing without taking into account his desires, then you can understand that the child is seized by fear and despair. If the father leaves the mother, then the son or daughter may blame themselves for this or consider themselves useless. If an outside woman comes to their house as a new wife of the father, then the child will become jealous of her father, will be afraid of losing his love and attention. In addition, he will have to fulfill orders and reckon with the opinion of his stepmother. Fear does not allow the child to control the situation, then his familiar world collapses or changes. Such situations force the child to manipulate adults in order to achieve what he wants, even at the cost of a destroyed relationship between father and stepmother.

In such situations, when a child provokes aggression with his behavior, it is important for a woman to find a middle ground, that is, not to become a tyrant, but also not to follow his lead, not to stand “on her head” to appease him or cheer him up, not to praise the child and buy him "everything at once" that he wants. A child can distinguish hypocrisy from a sincere and kind attitude, can appreciate human warmth.

Now we can sum up. What does a woman need to do to save her marriage to a divorced man with children? Recommended:

1. To accept a loved one along with his children and relationships with ex-wives. Build your relationship taking into account the past husband, as she knew what she agreed to when creating a family.
2. Remember and not hope that the former rival will take into account her psychological well-being.
3. There is no need to feel a sense of aggression and guilt in front of the husband's ex-wife and make this feeling the cornerstone. It is necessary to treat her and her husband's child with respect and responsibility, which can create trusting relationships in the family, which will be strengthened by a joint child.
4. Do not interfere with the husband's communication with his ex-wife and children for the purpose of raising and caring for children. To show loyalty and not forbid the husband to call and receive calls from children and the first wife, to accept the child in a new family, to communicate and go for walks with him.
5. Find a common language with her husband's children, diversify communication with gifts and entertainment. If the first wife is against such communication, there is no need to insist and be offended, allowing the father to solve problems with the children on his own.
6. Remember that a man can become a follower and lose his independence if, for the sake of his wife, he stops caring for and communicating with children from his first marriage. If the family relationship leads to divorce, then the man can do the same with his second wife.
7. To allow a man to firmly strengthen his paternal position in relation to joint and children from his first marriage, to build a "civilized" relationship with his first wife. Equal treatment should be given to both joint children and children from the first marriage.

Often a man feels like a "prize" in the struggle between the past and the present, in the struggle between two women. Some men like it, many are annoying and make life uncomfortable.

When entering into marriage after a divorce, for its preservation and well-being in the family, a man is recommended:

1. Do not forget that he remains the father of his children, who remained in the first family.
2. Respect your ex-wife, despite the ugly things she does during the first period of parting.
3. To maintain and develop the communication of the new wife with the children from the first marriage, without demanding much love from her. With successful attempts to build a relationship between a wife and a son or daughter, give her compliments, often give flowers and surprises, possibly with children.
4. To eliminate jealousy on the part of the wife, it is necessary to create a "transparent" relationship with the past family, to convince the wife that she is the main woman in his life. A confident woman is always loyal to the mother of his children, creates a calm atmosphere in the house.
5. Do not separate children from a new and past marriage, treat everyone equally, so as not to provoke children's jealousy, the consequences of which can be deplorable. All children need to feel needed and loved.

If the child feels the father's care and attention from his second wife, her good attitude, his psyche and health will not suffer, which will positively affect the demeanor and warm atmosphere in families.