My daughter left home at the age of 17. Daughter left home

TanyaShnip33

Hello! My daughter will be 16 in 2 weeks. A month ago I started lying. Got a tattoo. Under the guise of spending the night with a friend, she spent the night in a company where there was alcohol. I opened the correspondence and found out all this. I haven’t read the correspondence before. The daughter said that she was tired of everything. She will no longer be an obedient girl and will now decide everything herself. He will go to concerts not 4 times a year, but constantly. Walk when she wants and come back when she wants. If he wants to leave overnight, then he will leave and won’t ask anyone. I slipped in my studies. I said it out of emotion. That complete freedom is just outside the door. And while she is under 18 and lives in our house, she must obey the rules of the house. At night she left. I wrote to her that we love her and worry about her. She said we kicked her out. I tried to explain to her that we didn’t kick her out. And what did they say that complete freedom is just outside the door? I wrote again. That we love her and worry about her. My daughter didn’t come to spend the night again. She wrote to me this morning. That she's alive. I don't know. What to do next, I’m afraid to call home. Afraid. What if I call, will they continue to manipulate care. The husband says he will take a walk and come back. She spends the night in a new company, we don’t know anyone personally.. So.. According to her stories a little... Tell me. Please, how to behave correctly now, so that she returns home and doesn’t leave again.

TanyaShnip33

The riot started about a month ago. I always thought that she was a reasonable person and we had friendly relations. We have three children, she and two small sons. There is jealousy. But no one is forcing her to help us. It’s rare that we ask to sit with them for a couple of hours. She usually doesn't refuse. She has her own room, we live. In abundance. She has. We encourage her in every possible way, I always try to understand her and take her side. Yes, I decide a lot for her, when I don’t decide, she runs and asks how best to do it... I began to be interested in rap. Asks to attend concerts of various rap artists. We only go down to the largest ones. She joined the fan group about half a year ago. Made new friends and new company. Now he lives only in the interests of these fan groups and this company. I usually came home by 10 pm. That was the agreement. It rarely happens that later, but then we meet her. I had never been caught lying before. Our conditions have always been such that you do your homework and you’re free. I started to protest. Finished the first half of the year with 2! I wasn't even upset. At the same time, he sees his future at the institute. Related to language teaching. When asked what you are doing for this, he says, I am doing... In fact, he is doing nothing now. They refused tutors. I'm asking. When you go to college, he answers, I will... He says that he won’t do more than what he’s doing now... I want to live now. I want to go for a walk then. When I want it. An impenetrable wall. She used to write an SMS about where she was, so that we could understand where she was and with whom. Then she stopped. I wrote once a day or two... I left. I think to show us that she can do something on her own. Well, since they kicked me out, please, I’ll leave and live somehow. We need complete freedom, as she says. She wrote that she was alive, which meant she cared. I replied, thank you for writing

TanyaShnip33, it is very important for teenagers to belong to a certain group; for them, friends and “hangouts” are actually very important during this period; they search for themselves, trying to express themselves; Many internal processes occur for the first time in adolescents and it is difficult for them to cope with them. This is a period of autonomy and therefore teenagers often challenge parental and social norms. This is the period when they experience an identity conflict. Teenagers undergo significant psychological changes. They may experience an internal struggle between the desire for independence and the desire to remain dependent on the people who care for them - their parents. And teenagers can really think and worry very deeply that their parents do not understand them.
Leaving home and threatening to leave can be a message - "You don't understand me."
It is important for you to understand the reason for her leaving.
There can be many reasons, for example: conflict with parents. Spoiled. Imposing a parent's point of view on a teenager (when choosing friends, profession, etc.). Simply, as a stage of growing up and new experience, etc. That is, there can be many reasons.
Since your daughter has already attempted to leave, let's start with what you shouldn't do: Don't yell at her when she returns. You shouldn’t bother asking if she herself doesn’t want to tell you. There is no need to punish or be offended by her.
You wrote that you are afraid to call her home, that she will continue to manipulate the entrances. It's up to you here. Change in relation to her so that she does not completely lose trust in you.
Call and tell her to come home. When she returns, hug her tightly, tell her that you love her, that you missed her and were worried about her.
You should behave not like a punishing parent and an offended child, but like an adult.
When your daughter is ready to talk, talk to her.
Bring her closer to you, establish contact.
Make it clear that you accept it either way. Admit your mistakes to her, that perhaps you were wrong somewhere and did not understand her. And try to find a compromise together.
Your job is to maintain trust. This is very important for both you and her.

TanyaShnip33

Yes, I can call her, but the question is. What to do next. We talked a lot... Both for good and bad. Her goal. Freedom! Complete freedom of action. Thus it turns out that I am calling her home. I'm not scolding, we're talking. And she will answer me 100%, I don’t regret that I left and will continue to leave when I consider it necessary and as much as I need it... It turns out that I have to agree with this. And then she will do just that.

TanyaShnip33

No. This is the first time. But that's exactly what she told us. And then she left

TanyaShnip33, I understand you!
You can't know for sure how she will react or what she will say.
Look at the chain, you emotionally told her “freedom is at the door”, she left, thus trying to prove to you the seriousness of her words and intentions. She gained a new experience and we cannot know what it is like for her. Perhaps she is already ready to return and is waiting for you to take the first step.
Talk to her in the algorithm that I wrote above.
Look for a compromise. For example, you can sometimes spend the night with someone, but under certain conditions (you must know the truth - where, etc..)

TanyaShnip33

We just discussed it with her, that’s why I say with confidence that she will say so. She spent these days in her company, there is a photo on Instagram confirming this... With the words “This is happiness.” She hid her profile from me today. I came from someone else's page. Therefore, I conclude that so far she is having fun and good. My husband is categorically against me calling her back. Speaks. That if I call her, then it turns out she has achieved her goal. And he will continue to manipulate this.

TanyaShnip33

Toothbrush, phone, cosmetics. Well, what was it... And how to behave next time? So she comes, we’ll talk, there will be a concert in a week and she will present us with a fait accompli, she went to the concert, then hang out, I’ll be there tomorrow... And what should I do? Just let go and say, okay? It turns out that she will forget about her studies, about us, and will do what she wants... And we will talk to her and be glad that she spends the night at home sometimes... I don’t quite understand this. I would like to do something to get her back, but so that next time she understands that she has to spend the night at home and that she cannot leave when she wants, regardless of anyone. Find some kind of golden mean. I'm ready to compromise, but she has to compromise too. Before she left, we discussed this a hundred times. Her only requirement. Complete freedom... But it doesn’t happen like that... How can I give her complete freedom?

TanyaShnip33, I understand you!
Responsibility for studying is, to some extent, her responsibility. Let her be in this imaginary “freedom” of hers. This is her experience, which is important to control, of course, but not to put pressure on her.
Allow her to hang out sometimes, but on the condition that you know where she sleeps!
You didn’t answer, do you know exactly who she’s staying with? And another question, where does she get money for concerts, etc..?

TanyaShnip33

“Let her be in this imaginary “freedom” of hers. This is her experience, which is important to control, of course, but not to put pressure on her.” This is exactly the moment I don’t understand... How to do this? She clearly said that she wants complete freedom and wants to do what she wants.. How can I control this? It turns out that we are the only ones making a compromise.. About money.. Since she is in a fan group. There are often free passes available. Sometimes she works as a courier and has a small amount of money. We used to give her pocket money. Now we only give when we know for what.

Good afternoon I am 42 years old (lawyer), my daughter is 19 years old (student). What happened was that the daughter suddenly left home. Those. the night before, and also in the morning, we still talked cheerfully, my daughter said how much she loves me and how important it is to live in peace. That day we were in the store and bought her a few things, I really wanted her to be happy.. We recently returned from a very trip to a very interesting country - where we had a wonderful and fun time together (well, at least that’s what I think it seemed..)..
And so I come home and see that the morning food has been left on the table, the bed has not been made, things are scattered, one key has been removed from the key ring to close the door - the rest of the keys have been pointedly left, my daughter has put on a new jacket (although it is very light, not season) and literally disappeared... for a day. No call, no message to me or my ex-husband (her father, from whom we have been divorced for many years). She showed up only a day later and immediately went to see him. He won't contact me.
When communicating with my ex-husband, it turned out that for almost two years my daughter regularly lied to me down to the smallest detail, literally lived a double life - she said that she was going to see him and was unknown where, and many, many things that I had no idea about! .. Now he has her and my husband says that I am a villain and brought my daughter down with reproaches .. Of course, there were moral lectures on my part, this is never pleasant, but I tried to resolve difficult situations without leading them to a serious conflict... I never rummage through her things, but when I was collecting things, I found, or rather did not find, any signs that my daughter was studying at the institute - no lectures, no textbooks. Her ex-husband says that she goes to college, but going doesn’t mean studying! I tried to tell him about this so that he would pay attention, to which I was told that I was too picky, aggressive and that I needed to be treated by doctors of the appropriate profile. And also that she lived with me, and if she really doesn’t study and constantly cheats, it means that this is my upbringing. And that I tortured the girl with my eternal nagging and reproaches. And that since she wasn’t there all day, it means she was at the institute (“where else?”).
Now the daughter lives with her father, she took her things (I gave everything I asked for - even the medical card).
I was horrified not even by her act of being absent for a day without warning, but by the period preceding it - full of lies and hypocrisy.. How can such a little person, dear, beloved, be capable of such a thing? Outwardly, she is a loving daughter, endlessly repeating this (that day I talked to her even during the day - that is, at the moment when she already knew that she would not come - and her voice was still just as gentle and affectionate). How is this possible?! This discovery (this... daughter's duplicity) simply shocked me! I am a direct and open person, and I myself will never hide something, or pretend that I like a person, when in fact it’s the other way around.. This disgusts me and it’s absolutely incomprehensible how a loved one could deceive me like that?!
The husband refuses to talk to her seriously (“I’m afraid to scare her away - what if she gets offended?”), declares that when she returns home, I will have to talk to her.
But now I don’t know what would be better - for her to return or for her to stay with him.. I have such resentment in my soul that I don’t know how I’ll even get through this and whether I can forgive her..

Teenagers leaving home is one of the most pressing problems of our time. And it’s not only children who are deprived of attention and care who run away from their parents. Quite wealthy and worthy citizens, good and loving parents often turn to law enforcement officers with a desperate request to find a child. They sincerely do not understand what they are doing wrong, why their sweet girl or wonderful boy suddenly turned into an aggressive, embittered teenager who hates them. What is the reason for this transformation? AND what to do if a child leaves home?

The child left home. What to do?

Adolescence is a period of “storm and stress”. Sigmund Freud's daughter Anna wrote that “to be normal during adolescence is in itself abnormal.” At this time, your child, for all his viciousness and obstinacy, is actually very vulnerable, and it is your misunderstanding and rejection of his positions that causes him the greatest suffering. You don’t want to understand that your daughter or your son has already grown up, you don’t take his views seriously and are trying to impose your opinion on the basis that you are older and know better. And why be surprised that your son or daughter left home!

The famous psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto believes that a child becomes an adult precisely when he decides to leave his parents, who do not accept him for who he is and do not want to see the changes that happen to him. The child leaves home without guilt or regret, and we, parents, are left with our pain and anxiety for him. Why is it so important for children to insist on their own decisions? And why is it that the love of parents destroys relationships with children?

The reason is that we, not understanding the reasons for the changes occurring in children, try to force them to be the same, affectionate and obedient, and do not want to accept them as they become. Many punish their children, sometimes even with assault, explaining to them that harsh measures are for the benefit of them, the children. Ordinary parental egoism, which children, due to lack of life experience, are not able to overcome. And then the only way out of the situation for the child seems to be leaving home.

Psychologists believe that during adolescence, children try to achieve independence and develop autonomy in making decisions. And if parents interfere with this, the child is separated from the family. But the result of such separation does not necessarily have to be a break in relations with parents. This may be the birth of a new relationship, based not on intrusive guardianship and coercion, but on respect and partnership. And parents play a leading role here.

After all, if just a few years ago love for your baby consisted of care, care, security, control, now it should manifest itself in supporting him as an individual who is able to independently take responsibility for his life. “Train up the child according to his ways,” that is, in accordance with his nature. Feel his needs and his feelings as if they were your own, and you will understand what is good for him, not for you.

Your three steps in this direction

1. Stop any manifestation of your habit of making decisions for your child. Do not try to direct or push him towards the decision that you have chosen for him.
2. Learn to be happy that your child is independent. Even if you see that your son or daughter's decision may lead to painful consequences, simply share your concerns with them. And allow these consequences to happen.
3. Change your thoughts and beliefs about your child. It is important. Your beliefs and your actions are very closely related. If you convince yourself that your child is truly capable of leading his own life, it will be much easier for you to sincerely support him.

If you can turn your selfish love for your child into creative love, you will not have to contact a psychotherapist with the question: “What to do if your daughter (son) left home”. You will be there when she (he) needs your experience, support and encouragement in making decisions that are important to her or him. And your reward will be closer, more equal relationships than before.

Name: Catherine

Good afternoon My 18-year-old daughter, a first-year student, went to live with a young man in his family. This is her first love, her first man. I raised my daughter alone. I’m quite authoritarian and raised her harshly, I won’t hide it. My daughter has always studied well, danced in an ensemble for 10 years, and entered a good university. Despite the fact that she is pretty, relationships with boys did not work out. According to the principle: “whom we love, we are not loved,” “whoever loves us, we do not love.”

In the last grade of school, it turned out that she herself began to BUILD a RELATIONSHIP (in House-2) with a boy from a parallel class. The boy was subjectively no good, he couldn’t study normally, he wasn’t interested in anything, he was constantly in some kind of depression, he didn’t really have friends, his appearance was the most ordinary, he was sick with psoriasis. It all started and continued very ugly, the daughter led the man’s party: she paid for him in a cafe, made appointments. met me near the house. He almost never initiated communication, and didn’t even see her off late. In the end, they began to quarrel heavily and separated. The boy threw it.

My daughter was terribly worried, after three months she couldn’t stand it and wrote to him herself. The boy was expelled from the institute after the first semester. Mine completed the first year with A's and B's. The boy works as a waiter in the summer, mine works in a large organization and is going to go to Germany for an internship. The most important thing is that the boy’s parents welcome their close relationship, I am against it. There is a war between us. I practically lost my daughter. While I was away from home for three days, she went to live with that family. Now I pulled myself together and tried to get her back. She does not want. The daughter is spoiled, but is ready to live on the boy’s pennies (for now). She is not deterred by the possibility of losing her studies, normal rest, clothing, etc.

Now my daughter and I communicate (only thanks to me), but it’s difficult for me to understand what and how to do next. They are not going to marry him yet; he has generally unclear prospects with his studies/work. They are only 19 years old. Those parents took a position of non-interference, they don’t care about my girl, because... They have a boyfriend, he is committed to pure sex and is always at home. Mine (in my opinion) has lost all self-respect, I am very worried about this. She is ready to re-educate the boy, but she cannot tolerate lack of money; she hopes to receive money from me again.

Yes, the most important thing. Their relationship was also not cloudless, he could yell at her, even hit her a couple of times. All conversations with my daughter lead to a scandal. I gave up these attempts. I'm just trying to love her. But.. I can’t anymore. I stop respecting her and it always seems to me that she is simply using me. Now she is blackmailing me that she wants to return home, but I will have to support her as before, and she will walk and spend the night as she wants, and if I say a word, she will leave again... I don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes it seems like I shouldn’t come back to her, I can’t stand it