Relationship with dad after mom's death. Mom drinks after dad's death
“The day you truly become yourself is the day you lose your parents.”
Henri de Monterlant
How to cope with the death of your mother? Talking about the death of someone close to you is never easy. Especially if we are talking about the dearest person. It is impossible to come to terms with such a loss. Mom is support, understanding, care, forgiveness, love. There are no more such people in the world, and there never will be. But we must continue to live.
The first step is to realize that each of us at some point buries our parents. This is the natural course of things. And although no advice will reduce the pain of loss, it is important to read the opinions of psychologists on this matter. You must know how to build your life further, what to rely on, where to find an outlet, how to let go.
How to come to terms with loss?
Regardless of age, the death of a mother always makes you feel like a little child again, abandoned, abandoned forever. He is horrified by what happened and does not understand what to do next. Getting rid of this feeling is not easy.
You need to make every effort to come to terms with the reality that your mother is no more. Now mom (or dad) is you. Future or present, it doesn’t matter. You have already matured, and what happened was inevitable. Sooner or later your mother would have died. Of course, you wanted her to stay with you longer, to be happier, not to suffer, etc. Most likely, you did not have time to say goodbye properly, did not say or did not do the most important thing. You feel guilty. Maybe this is what gnaws at you the most?
In fact, when suffering from the loss of a mother, a person is overwhelmed by self-pity. He thinks: “I feel so bad that I won’t see her anymore, I won’t hug her, I won’t talk to her,” “no one else will love me as much as my mother,” “I was deprived of the most important support, support, understanding.” Yes this is true. But it is wrong to constantly be in these thoughts.
We need to channel all the pain into a creative direction. You can become truly close with your children. Give love to your remaining living relatives. Start writing beautiful poetry (or doing other creative work). Of course, this won't bring mom back. But it will help to establish peace in the soul.
Psychologists' opinion
Psychologists say that after the death of parents, a person suffers greatly for about a year. Then the emotions subside, and interest in life gradually returns.
In order for the pain to truly subside, it is important to go through all the stages of “grieving”:
Important. Nature has a natural mechanism for dealing with grief. Interfering with it or neglecting it is fraught with consequences. A person can get stuck at a certain stage, which means falling into a long-term depression. It’s not for nothing that our ancestors invited professional mourners to funerals. They helped me get in the right frame of mind. Therefore, at first you need to step back from all important matters, take a vacation, send your children to visit you so that you can cry enough. At the same time, it is strictly not recommended to suppress feelings with alcohol, sleeping pills or sedatives.
Dealing with the death of your mother is very difficult. It is doubly difficult to do this alone. That is why we have collected advice from those who have coped with similar grief. Perhaps they will be useful for you too:
Author's advice. Often the intense pain of loss is associated with understatement. You didn’t have time to tell your mother how much you love her, ask for forgiveness, thank her. To free yourself from these thoughts, start writing letters. After writing, burn them immediately. You will definitely feel better!
It takes time to get over your mother's death and let go. Of course, you will never be able to completely forget about your loss. But the day will definitely come when you think not “what a pity that mom left,” but “what a blessing that she was there”!
Arina, Petrozavodsk
Hello, dear Jubal! After another phone conversation with my dad, after which I wanted to tear my hair out from the powerlessness to change anything, I simply typed in the search “free consultation with a psychologist” and without any hope of finding a response, here I am. Well, at least I’ll speak out...Three months ago I lost my mom, the closest and most loving person in my life. She died so suddenly, not living 5 days before her 55th birthday... A powerful stroke (repeated, after the first three years ago she completely recovered by some miracle), deep coma, complex brain surgery, 12 days of intensive care and that's all . I still can't talk about it without crying. I was very close to my mother. It seems that she was a bright prism through which life was kinder and better. I'm leaving, that's not what I'm complaining about now. Nothing can be fixed with mom, but I can’t imagine what to do with dad...
Dad bears this grief the hardest of all of us. Dad is a complex person, hot-tempered, selfish, but still very good, understanding, caring. And during my mother’s first stroke, he lived with her in the hospital and looked after her better than us daughters, and this time he did everything to get my mother out, sparing neither effort nor money. After my mother’s death, we decided that he couldn’t be left alone now, and his sister (they live in the same area) moved with his family to help and support him. Dad cries all this time every day, sees no meaning in life and doesn’t want to hear or see anyone. Although, surprisingly, he finds the strength to go to his grandmother’s apartment to do renovations, it seems, only because that’s what he and his mother planned (to do renovations there and go live there, and leave his apartment to his sister). At first after the funeral it was open, but soon everything changed. He constantly complained to me about his sister and her family, that they irritate him with their presence, that they do everything wrong and that among them he is even more lonely, to the point that no one talks to him. And his sister says that he isolates himself, does not want to communicate and accept support. In addition, he began to drink... He does repairs during the day, and by the evening he gets drunk. At the same time, he becomes so aggressive that I really fear for my sister. He yells obscenities at them, and two 10- and 5-year-olds hear this, shouting “let you all die” and other terrible things. The sister can no longer stand it and is going to return to her home. All this time I was a lightning rod for both my dad and my sister; they complained to me about each other on both sides. Of course, this weighed on me, but I was glad that dad could at least cry with me - I saw that after talking with me, he felt a little better. But now, it seems to me, he has resigned himself a little and calmed down, but he has started drinking more and seems to be using his grief as an excuse for his behavior. Time passes, but he is focused only on himself, he shows neither care nor interest in us, in his grandchildren, in life in general. Due to constant drinking of alcohol, his condition only worsens. This morning I tried to gently bring this to his attention. Like, this only aggravates the already sad state of health. He flushed and did not speak to me. In the evening, when I called him as usual, he behaved like a child. He spoke through his teeth. To my question: “Dad, don’t you want to talk?”, he began to be indignant: “Why do you want to talk to an alcoholic masochist?! Although I never even thought of calling him an alcoholic, let alone in my language. And away we go... In his words, we “treat” him with our advice and decrees, but he feels bad even without it; we all feel good and we don’t understand him; he doesn’t care whether we support him or not, and stuff like that... And now I can’t find a place for myself. It seems that she has deprived him of his last support (he and his sister occasionally quarrel)...
What to do? Maybe we are really wrong in trying to guide him on the right path? Maybe we are not patient and should just offer a shoulder for his tears? But the sister also thinks about her family, which suffers from his anger and aggression. How to provide support if dad rejects her? To any persuasion that it is better to believe that after death we will all meet, he gets angry and denies everything. And not only for this - for almost everything. Even a simple “dad, hold on, time will ease the pain” can be heard: “yes, but I will look at you if you lose your husband with whom you lived for 35 years! It’s easiest to say “hold on!” and so on. So what can we say then??? In general, I don’t know, I’m depressed and just killed by everything that’s happening. It seems that with my mother’s departure, our family fell apart and the whole world was completely cracked...
It seemed like she had spoken out, but it didn’t make it any easier.
Hello! I am writing because I am in a difficult situation. My mother has been drinking for 3 years. She is a young beautiful woman of noble blood. The thing is that my dad died 3 years ago. He died a painful death in intensive care. The doctors could not save him and the cause of his death was also alcohol, or more precisely cirrhosis of the liver. He died at the age of 41. He drank as long as I remember, but at the same time he was always a successful person, headed institutions and banks. He did not leave us in poverty. Everything is in abundance.
Mom probably spent the last 15 years on his treatment for various addictions. I struggled with his violence. We traveled together to all the institutions where this assistance is provided: clinics, psychotherapists and all kinds of hospitals outside and within Kazakhstan. She didn't leave him, even when he started using heroin. She buried him with dignity, but could not bury the pain of loss.
She started drinking while he was still alive. Drink a hundred grams and sleep quietly. After death, the dose of alcohol, or rather vodka, increased three times per dose. Moreover, in the last six months she can drink in broad daylight. I'm begging and screaming at her. Nothing affects her. She can't give up drinking. She has already started to have blackouts and almost never leaves the house. There is no need to earn watts and that is why she is in bed all the time with the curtains closed.
I used to think that this would all pass. She just needs to give it time. And after 3 years I became scared. And I'm afraid she'll end up like her father. Help.
Answers from psychologists
Hello, Asel! I sympathize with your worries about your mother’s condition. She really needs help. To find a way to change the situation, you yourself need to seek support from a specialist. Your fears are now preventing you from establishing a dialogue with her that could begin to bring her into contact with you and other people. How old are you? Do you have the opportunity to consult a psychologist on your own? I am ready to be useful to you. Regards, Tatiana.
Good answer 3 Bad answer 4Hello Asel!
I'm afraid that my mother will be able to get out of this state only when she herself wants it. You have already tried to influence her in various ways, but there is no result. I understand your concern for your mother, but I think that the best thing in this situation would be if at least you yourself contact a psychologist. You now need support to somehow cope with this situation.
Svetlana.
Hello, Asel! Unfortunately, what is happening to your mother now will not go away on its own. Need her wanted to be treated.
Using your dad's example, you saw that you can go to all the doctors and try all the methods, but if a person does not want to get rid of addiction, nothing will help. It's a shame, but that's how it is.
There is another important moment in the history of your dad’s struggle for sobriety - your mom broke down, she herself became addicted while she was trying to get him out of alcoholism and drug addiction against his wishes. Now history may repeat itself. Only you can be in your mother's place.
Asel, addiction is contagious. Those who live with an alcoholic or drug addict for more than three years become addicted or codependent themselves. You are already worried and afraid for your mother. Now, so that these feelings do not force you, in turn, to seek solace in alcohol, help from psychologists Necessarily you need.
For your personal life to work out, you also need the help of psychologists. The fact is that children of alcoholics, without wanting it, nevertheless choose themselves as spouses of the same addicts. And they repeat the fate of their parents.
Asel, You have one advantage, you wrote that you are not constrained by funds. This is very important because you may need long-term psychotherapy. Contact a psychologist for the sake of your future!
And, perhaps, when you receive support from a psychologist and complete a rehabilitation course, your mother will also think about the need to quit drinking. Neither persuasion, nor tears, nor scandals, but the personal example of other family members, when they get rid of their addiction or codependency, makes the alcoholic understand that he also needs treatment.
Asel, also look for literature on codependency and addiction. Knowledge about the nature of addictions will help you understand how not to make mistakes and where to look for help.
All the best, Valeria.
Good answer 3 Bad answer 3 
Hello, Asel! Unfortunately, women who have lived their whole lives with a drinking husband are in a state of chronic stress, almost like in war. Many of them start drinking with their husband, as they live his life without even realizing it. Even after your father leaves, your mother continues to be in this relationship emotionally. Without experiencing the grief of loss, she can repeat his scenario. Now, at this particular moment, you need help, as a codependent family member, as someone living in war. Come to the appointment, you must gain strength and faith in yourself, work with your feelings. It is known that when at least one family member begins to change his behavior, it will certainly affect the other. Good luck to you!
Good answer 6 Bad answer 2Antoshka was five, and I was ten years old. But despite this we were friends. He is very smart, intelligent, well-mannered and kind. It was more interesting for me to spend time with him than with my peers, who only tried to show off in front of each other.
He lived in an ordinary family, always a cheerful, well-groomed boy. His mom and dad often played different games with us outside, it was very interesting. I liked coming to visit him, my mother baked it very tasty, and my father told very funny stories.
But one day everything changed... His mother had an accident and she passed away, and his father, unable to cope with grief, began to drink very heavily. For absenteeism, he was fired from the factory where he worked with my father.
Antoshka started skipping school and didn’t go out at all. I came to him many times, knocked on the door, but no one opened it for me. And then I met his dad at the wine and vodka store, asked about his friend, and he barely muttered that Antoshka was sick and he couldn’t go outside.
We lived in different entrances, but there was one wall between our children's rooms. I heard Antoshka crying, at first I thought that he was so sick and that was why he was crying. But somehow he heard that his dad raised his hand against him and there was no one to stand up for him... I told my parents, they went to see them, but his dad said that Antoshka had gone to the village to visit his grandmother. And what I heard was sounds from the TV.
More than a year passed... I was very worried about Antoshka, why I left silently, didn’t say anything and didn’t even send any news. But I really waited. And I will never forget the day when I saw him again...
I sat on a bench near the entrance, cutting a slingshot from a branch. The grannies were sitting nearby and discussing something very emotionally. I realized that they were talking about Antoshka and his dad. One of them heard crying in the apartment, the other heard spanking, as if someone was being beaten there...
I threw the slingshot and ran into the next entrance. I walked up to Antoshka’s apartment, pressed my ear to the door and began to listen... I don’t know how long I stood there like that. At first there was silence, and then crying began to be heard... Antoshka’s crying... And immediately the firm steps of his dad were heard, who was apparently very drunk and not happy with his crying:
- When are you going to die? I'm already tired of my attacks!
My heart was pounding so hard that it was ready to jump out of my chest. Tears rolled into my eyes from resentment... resentment for my friend... I ran home, told my father everything, and he called the police and an ambulance.
I entered Antoshka’s apartment and couldn’t believe my eyes. On the dirty floor in the corner of the room there was a whole bunch of bottles, in another corner there was a huge pile of dirty, unwashed laundry, and Antoshka’s dad was sleeping on it, very intoxicated. And when I entered Antoshka’s room, I saw my friend... Tears rolled down my eyes... He was very thin with unwashed hair on his head and there was no living space on his body... He lay and was silent, responded only to the words “Do you want to eat...” He stood up sharply with his eyes wide open eyes and shouted “Yes...”
One of the neighbors brought him a plate of borscht and a piece of bread... He snatched it and began to eat hungry and look around as if someone would take it. Looking at him, I didn’t recognize my Antoshka... my friend... he was somehow a stranger.. .
I was scared to imagine what Antoshka went through this year. A whole year of torture and beatings . Due to moral and physical trauma, his body did not obey at all... and epileptic attacks began very often. It was scary... very scary to look at it... The pain in my chest grew every minute, it was difficult to breathe and the tears could no longer be stopped... I ran up to him... hugged him tightly... and kept repeating without stopping:
-Don't be afraid! I will never leave you again and I will not hurt anyone!
He pressed himself against me very tightly... and was afraid to let go, and tears flowed from his eyes...
The doctors began to pack Antoshka for the hospital, and I, holding his hand, said that I would go with him, I wouldn’t let him go anywhere alone! And I was allowed...
For two weeks I was in the hospital with my friend, I didn’t leave his side for a minute. And at the discharge, my parents arrived with the happiest news... Antoshka's father was imprisoned and deprived of paternity, and my parents took guardianship over him... Now Antoshka is not just my friend... he is my brother!
Antoshka recovered and went to school like all normal children. We never remember what happened. And I thank God for returning Antoshka to me...
How to live after death parents? Unfortunately, most of us ask ourselves this question sooner or later. On the one hand, children must outlive their parents: this is the law of life. However, it is very difficult to accept the fact that the people who gave us this life are gone forever...
When there is a warm atmosphere and a strong emotional connection in the family, any separation (even for a while) is a source of suffering for others.
And no one taught us to deal with these feelings, so we find ourselves completely unprepared.
The departure of a mother or father always leaves a deep wound in the soul that never heals. However, gradually you can learn to move on with your life after death loved ones.
Pleasant memories from the past, photographs where you are still together and happy - all those intangible treasures that your parents left in your soul will help you with this. Despite everything, they will stay with you forever.
We invite you to think a little about this topic with us. Perhaps this will help you develop certain behavioral strategies to overcome this difficult crisis period in life.
No one is ready to live after the death of their parents...
The pain of loss is always proportional to the emotional connection you had with your dad or mom. And here it doesn’t matter at all whether you grew up or not, became independent, whether you had your own family, etc.
Emotional connection with a loved one is beyond time, distance or years lived.
After all, inside we remain the same person who needs advice and support, who is sincerely grateful for a mother’s hug and for a father’s look, full of pride for you and instilling confidence.
Man is a social and emotional being, and the connections that are established with parents are so intimate that when they are lost, literally everything inside collapses.
Each person experiences the pain of loss differently.
The pain of loss you feel is always a very personal process. Through it, you come to the understanding that a loved one is gone. Psychologists identify the following stages of acceptance:
- Negation
- Depression
- Adoption
Typically the entire process takes about three months. Nevertheless, Each person experiences grief differently.
Therefore, you should not be offended or angry if it seems to you that someone is grieving “wrongly”. He does not seem “killed” and “crushed” or, on the contrary, expresses his emotions in a grotesque form. Everyone deals with loss differently, and not everyone is able to control it.
It is important to find your own way out of this difficult situation, then what will help ease the soul. Talk to loved ones or stay alone, look at photo albums or cry to your heart's content.
Gradually, over time, our suffering will decrease. And although it’s hard to believe at first, you will overcome your grief and again you will move forward.
The sudden death of a loved one, without a final goodbye. How to deal with this?
The death of parents can be caused by various circumstances. A long illness, an accident or an unexpected...
- Usually, the most painful thing happens when there was no opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one. After all, they didn’t have time to tell him how much they loved him.
- Sometimes people lose their loved ones directly after a quarrel with them, after some kind of misunderstanding and misunderstanding, after a harsh or offensive word spoken to them. All this, whether we like it or not, aggravates the situation, and it becomes even more difficult to accept the fact of death.
- But it is impossible to correct this, because it is impossible to turn back time. In such a situation, you need to focus your thoughts on the following: the father and mother always know that their child loves them. There are no hard feelings, which means there should be no remorse.
Remember that the past disagreements don't matter. The bond with your parents is so strong, noble and sincere that you must find the strength to say goodbye to them quietly and calmly. After all, they will always be with you, in your heart, thoughts and memories.
To honor the memory of your parents, you need to learn to smile again
Losing a parent is a wound that never heals. And yet, gradually you must learn to live with it, move on and allow yourself to become again. It's important to keep the following in mind:
- Your parents would not want you to continue to live in the grip of emotional suffering, sadness and sadness. It may seem impossible, but you need to relearn how to smile. After all, your happiness is a way to honor the memory of your parents.
- Don't push away the past, let good memories fill your thoughts. They will enrich you and give you strength to live on.
- Everything your parents told you and all the moments you shared with them are emotional gifts that you should pass on to your children. It is a legacy of love and affection that gives strength to grow, but at the same time don't forget your roots.
All of us, sooner or later, will have to face the loss of people close and dear to us. It is impossible to prepare for this. But remember that the one you have today is will become the strength and support of tomorrow.
So learn to live in the present and enjoy every moment spent with your parents, with all completeness and sincerity!
