Husband's jealousy of his wife's success. What should I do if my husband is jealous of me? Husband's jealousy of his wife's success
In recent years, male envy has increasingly arisen due to the fact that women compete with men on an equal footing. At the same time, men and women try to do everything to save the family, despite the fact that in the family the leader and breadwinner, for the most part, becomes a lady. If you feel that your spouse has begun to envy you, take immediate action.
The husband is jealous of his wife's success in work, and this pushes him to look for his own ways to achieve career growth. There is nothing wrong. Your husband is improving with you and trying to compete. A man is a born competitor, but when envy does not develop into a desire to become higher in status and richer than his wife, you need to sound the alarm. A weak man will throw tantrums, start drinking and disappear on weekends. Some young people have an affair on the side. Your actions must be decisive. Be careful what you say around your family. Even minor, in your opinion, little things can hurt a spouse. Try not to stay late at work and spend more time with your family. Do not tell your husband about your achievements. If your salary is several times higher than your husband's, hide this fact. Give some of the money to your mother for safekeeping.
There are also men who envy the appearance of their spouse. You look attractive and presentable, and against your background, your husband looks like a loser. Some young men like it when their wife attracts attention, but most men feel like monsters next to beauties. They are sure that a moment will come when a woman will understand how good she is and will find a man to match. This type of envy always leads to jealousy. Sometimes a man, in order not to feel worthless, begins to flirt with ladies in the presence of his wife. Try to prove your love to your spouse. Demonstrate your relationship in public, not just at home. On the street, hold his hand and hug him. If you're at a party together, try to stay behind your husband when you're hanging out with friends. Pamper a man with gifts, give him vouchers for two to a holiday home and invite him to restaurants.
Any woman marries with the hope that her husband will eventually become an independent, successful and responsible person who will be able to provide her and her family with material well-being. But, living next to her husband for several years together, many wives subconsciously begin to fear that life with a successful and independent man may be accompanied by the risk of being left alone.
After all, everyone knows, having achieved real success in life, they begin to look for more in relationships with women, they want novelty and sharpness of sensations. In most cases, they leave their wives and marry young girls who are actively hunting for rich men. Psychologists say that the presence of this kind of fear in women can be a serious obstacle to a husband's career path. Next to such wives, a man throughout his life remains at the same level that he had before marriage.
Where did he go limitless power and energy, which immediately after the wedding "beat out of him with the key"? Why does he now not believe in himself, in his dreams and does not strive to become a successful person? The reason lies most often in the woman he married. Because of the fear of being left alone, she does not allow her husband to develop and she herself cannot achieve success. Reading these lines, many women may experience a sharp wave of denial and the thought that the wife cannot be to blame for the failures of her husband, if he was born so "indecisive", then no one can change him.
If you have such an idea arose, then you can be sure that we have already found one of the main reasons why your husband cannot develop and achieve success in life. The fact is that if a man is constantly told that he is indecisive and incapable of anything, while doing everything herself, without waiting for any action from him, then he will not strive to achieve anything in this life. You just don't give him a chance to succeed.
At first after wife's wedding they rejoice at the success of their husband, because the fact that he earns well is a great opportunity to save up for housing, invest in the financial independence of the family and think about the future. At the same time, before the birth of her first child, the wife herself also has the opportunity to work, because of this, she feels more confident. But with the advent of the child, the husband breaks ahead, and the wife has fears that other women can look at such a successful man.
This is where it starts claims to her husband: "Why don't you give us time?", "You are not interested in our life!", "You never help me around the house" and so on. The worst thing is when a wife periodically says to her husband: "Here you will become rich and find yourself another." In this case, the man really gets tired of his insecure wife and finds a replacement for her. Even if a man remains close to his wife, he will no longer have the desire to become successful. Perhaps he will come home from work earlier and help with the housework, but at the same time he will complain that the manager does not like him at work because he mistakenly considers him a bad employee.
Desire to control husband and to subjugate him is the main obstacle to the success of a man. If you really want to see your husband succeed in life, do not try to subordinate him to your desires and whims, give him more freedom. Admire his achievements and let him know that you truly believe in his success. Do not be afraid that he will become a happy and contented person in life. After all, he is trying to earn more just so that you can enjoy life with him. Tell him more that you really like how he works and that he does everything well, then he will have a desire to make your life even better. You can’t try to fix your husband to your skirt, demand from him to do all the housework, report on spending his money and unconditionally fulfill all your whims. Such a husband, of course, will always be with you, but he will never become a successful person.
If you have fears losing your husband, don't let those fears ruin your happiness. Share your insecurities with your husband and talk to him about how you can help him to be successful. After this conversation, you will feel great relief and your fears will seem ridiculous to you. If you have a separate budget in your family, then make it joint and stop constantly controlling your husband. Set new goals for yourself and start to realize them yourself. Take care of yourself and learn to live for your own pleasure, and when you are satisfied with yourself and your husband, then you will not have time to waste time on all sorts of ridiculous fears.
WOULD YOU GO HOME, PENELOPE!
TATYANA PETKOVA and professor of psychology ALEXANDER BONDARENKO talk about what kind of men envy their wives and what lies behind it; what men are proud of their wives and why it's not so great; what kind of men are ready to stay at home while the wife makes a career; and about how we can live with these difficult men.
Tatiana Petkova
: Alexander Fedorovich, today's topic was born from one editorial letter. Oksana has signed up for dancing, has been learning salsa for half a year, and recently she began to go to salsotheca on Saturdays. And I realized: as soon as she has salsa in the evening, her husband showers her with SMS messages like “There is no bread at home” or “I decided to wash the curtains, but the powder is over.” And then she meets Oksana at home by defiantly opening the refrigerator door - they say, there is no food, and you are dancing, and here I am at least starving to death. The girl wrote to the editor, looking for support, otherwise she already began to doubt, maybe she really is a bad wife? My colleagues and I decided: of course, this is envy. The husband does not even envy the fact that his wife can dance, but he does not. In my opinion, this is envy of a different order - the husband is jealous that his woman is well without his participation, that she has a holiday, and he has weekdays, she has fun somewhere, enjoys it, but he has nothing to do with it. And I wrote to Oksana that I would do an interview with you on the topic of male envy. Because I'm sure her situation is very common.
Alexander Bondarenko:
This situation is a vivid illustration of how scientific psychology differs from everyday psychology. Please note: firstly, the male reaction - to spoil his wife's holiday - is not envy. In psychology, this behavior is called "ego-protection from negative feelings." This is when a husband says to his wife: “Delicious cake. And how did you manage to bake it?” Here is such an ambiguous statement - like praised, but the mood is spoiled. Secondly, this statement signals that in a couple, most likely, there is a conflict that Oksana may not be aware of. And, thirdly, it was you and the girls in the editorial office who could decide that we are talking about envy, thereby demonstrating the operation of a psychological mechanism called “causal attribution”.
T.:
Well, well, well. Can you do it in order? What is the misfortune? Does the husband lack joy in life, he does not know how to relax, and therefore subconsciously wants to deprive his wife of joy? What is the causal attribution that we have demonstrated, although we do not know such words?
BUT.:
Good. Trouble is manifested in the fact that there is a disproportionate reaction to the occasion. Often this is precisely the eloquent symptom of the so-called latent conflict. This conflict is like an almost dormant volcano. Silence and smoothness all around ... Outwardly - only a light habitual smoke above the top. In the form of strange remarks and, as it were, hints. Experienced psychologists know: it is better not to touch this conflict. Do not highlight, do not voice. After all, a bad peace is better than a good quarrel. Yes, and women intuitively feel it. Therefore, they prefer to write off such reactions of husbands to what first comes to mind from the point of view of everyday psychology: envy! Causal attribution also consists in attributing the meaning of actions to a person on the basis of the most accessible, i.e., superficial reasons. Which may have nothing to do with reality.
T.:
Clear! Why is latent conflict so dangerous? Why not sit down and talk? Why is it better to attribute everything to envy? It’s just more profitable for women, probably, to decide that a man is jealous, isn’t it flattering pride?
BUT.:
It's not about profit. The fact is that most often the latent conflict is involved in problems in sexual relations. It happens that people not only do not want to touch this topic - they do not even suspect that they are not doing well with this topic. Therefore, it is much easier to say to a girlfriend in an everyday way: “Yes, he is just jealous of me!” Than to start sorting out your deepest problems with the help of a psychotherapist. And the husband’s statements like “Cool borscht, finally got to stand up to the stove” or “You are learning to draw, but there is no one to warm up dinner for the children” is a clear symptom of hidden trouble in the family. And if you clean this conflict like an onion, then tears will spurt not at all because the husband is offended: “I work hard, and she takes drawing lessons,” but because he feels: “I am unhappy with her, but she is also happy!” But - I emphasize - all this, thank God, is an unconscious experience.
T.:
In short, "Would go home, Penelope!". And how to live with this conflict, if it is so deeply hidden? After all, what do sexologists do?
BUT.:
The fact of the matter is that people turn to sexologists when the problem, so to speak, is obvious. In our case, the mosquito will not undermine the nose! It happens that couples live like this all their lives, vaguely feeling that "happiness was so possible." Straight from Pushkin: “The habit is given to us from above. Replacement for happiness ».
It happens that a latent conflict is resolved by itself - when a husband or wife falls in love with another person and goes to him. But more often, someone in a pair or both make connections on the side. And outwardly, the couple is still doing well. And as soon as the husband shows dissatisfaction with what brings joy and pleasure to his wife, the philistine explanation is ready: “He is jealous of you”, “He is jealous of your success”, “He is unhappy that you have gone beyond his influence.” In fact, we can talk about a feeling of unhappiness. And it breaks out. Psychotherapists do not analyze the feelings themselves, but the reasons for these feelings.
T.:
It turns out that if everything is good and harmonious in a couple, a man will not express dissatisfaction with his wife's hobbies and successes?
BUT.:
Hardly. A husband and wife can make fun of each other, but there is no envy or jealousy for each other's hobbies in such a pair. There is a doubling of happiness because the other half is good.
T.:
Hobbies are fine. Aren't men jealous of the success of a woman? Don't envy? Is there a “pure”, without an admixture of sexual dissatisfaction in marriage, the envy of a husband to his wife?
BUT.:
In certain circumstances, yes, it does. A man begins to envy when he feels that a woman is not in his power. In a harmonious family, the man always has power, in a disharmonious one, a woman or a child. Power is not in the sense of “who builds whom”. We have already said more than once that the need of a man is to possess, the need of a woman is to belong. And if a man feels that the need for possession is undermined, that the woman does not belong to him, he begins to be jealous, to envy. Power in the psychoanalytic sense is a triad of factors. The first is sexual: a woman experiences very intense real orgasms, and does not pretend that she is fine with her husband in bed. The second is semantic: a woman consults with a man when making decisions, his opinion is important to her. The third is value: if a woman has to choose between the interests of her husband and the interests of other people - relatives or colleagues, she will choose a husband. And if a man knows that a woman belongs to him in all three positions, he will neither envy nor be jealous of her successes and joys of life. He will be calm, as the sovereign master of his mistress is calm. And if he feels that his power has been undermined, he will suffer both for himself and for the woman - realizing that he did not live up to her expectations, that he cannot satisfy her need for belonging. However, there is a certain type of men who will not suffer because their male power is not realized. And they won't be jealous either.
T.:
I felt that there was a catch in this thread. I'll try to guess who these wonderful chosen ones are. "Peter Pan"? Forever Boys?
BUT.:
Several typical situations are possible here. Let's say, men who grew up in a family where their mother was the main, well, kind of a cook in kindergarten. Dad was quieter than water below the grass, and mom had all the power. Such a man in the family can cook borscht with pleasure, while his wife makes a career and earns money. This is an infantile model inherited from his family. Such a man will not envy the success of his wife. He is so good. The gigolos are also completely devoid of envy - but here everything is clear and without explanation, right? The Brazilian psychoanalyst Norberto Keppe wrote well about male envy. He said that in a pair where male and female roles are harmoniously distributed, no one envy anyone. Well, there are men's sports, there are women's. A soccer boy doesn't envy a girl who does rhythmic gymnastics, does he? They have different games and results!
T.:
A boy football player may not envy the results, but the attention that a girl gymnast received.
BUT.:
Here! Another typical case :
if the boy is a hysterical type. The hysteroid wants only him to be seen, only he to be praised. He will not tolerate a beautiful successful wife next to him. He will hide it, push it behind his back, lock the house with a key, but will not allow anyone to pay attention to her. And if they convert, they may even be offended, humiliated ...
T.:
Alexander Fedorovich, how do men generally feel about the success of their women? Are they proud that a woman defended her dissertation, won a TV show, sang a song at a corporate party, learned a foreign language? After all, we want to be proud of our men - and we are proud that you are the best at driving nails into the wall, frying barbecue, playing the guitar. We treat our men like heroes. And how do men relate to our achievements?
BUT.:
If we ignore this or that abnormality, a man can take one of two positions in relation to his woman, play one of two roles: lover or father. And it has nothing to do with age. Lyudmila Gurchenko called her husband, 20 years younger than her, "daddy." So, if a man is inclined towards a fatherly position, he will admire the success of his wife - just as dad rejoices at good marks in his daughter's diary. However, the sexual component in such couples fades into the background. If a man leans towards the position of a lover, he will not admire the success of a woman. Will favorably accept them. In general, either I'm proud of it, or I want it.
T.:
But what about the notorious assertion that a woman is a trophy for a man? He won her, he is proud that next to him is such a cool woman - “to love, so the queen!”
BUT.:
Tanya, understand: a man is proud of himself! It's me who is so cool that I won the queen. This is my woman who has reached career heights. This is my woman received a professional award! And this is not at all the joy of a father, but the joy of a lover who was able to win such an extraordinary woman. If a man-father puts a crown on a woman - "you are my clever girl", then a man-lover decorates his crown with a woman - "oh yes, I won such a clever girl."
T.
: So, what is the parting word from the psychologist to women and what to men?
BUT.: Women - remember that without them a boy will never become a man.
Noah. For men - do not confuse your beloved with mother or daughter. These are the women of other men. Beloved is your woman.
Among the comments on several of my opuses, there is one special one. It inevitably appears under each of my publications, and from different people.
"Baba wrote!"
Well, it's obvious, you see, all the women write under the pseudonym Oleg Batluk.
I look forward to this comment from time to time and even get a little nervous if it is not there for a long time. And when he finally comes out in full growth, all so beautiful, I rejoice. And I am sincerely happy.
"Baba wrote!" - for me it's a big, huge compliment. Even though it was not such according to the intention of its author.
These qualities make me fuller as a person, more voluminous, more convex in a figurative, non-physical sense. About the voluminous personality, I turned it down, of course, you are already asking for indiscretion - dramaturgy requires it.
I have always envied women because of these qualities.
I suspect that women are generally technologically richer and more interesting than men. Which is understandable, because, according to legend, they were created after men, which means they are endowed with better firmware.
For example, I envied women because of their ability to see 360 degrees. This is what is now known as augmented reality technology, or VR. Men can only see 180 degrees. Further, their neck does not turn. Women turn around.
Why, I envied the most basic settings. The ones that men often make fun of women for. The same female emotionality - I envied her. A woman inside initially has the whole palette of colors, and not one jar of black gouache, which a man stole from his dad's table as a child.
Living with a rainbow inside - how not to envy this?
Men compared to women in this aspect are emotional rogues.
A woman is like French cuisine, where a whole separate menu has been invented just for the shades of sensations, and the men are English cuisine, fish & chips, don’t slather your food (may the British forgive me).
So these fish & chips are not to be honestly jealous, like me, they also make fun! Like, women are still Malvinas with purple hair, turbulent and unpredictable. But we are not, we are different, Pinocchio from a single piece of wood, ebonite stick.
Only this seemingly simple and solid ebonite stick will eventually become so ebonite that it will not seem small. Because each Pinocchio inside has as many as two Malvinas, locked with the key of “masculinity”. And when the firecracker explodes, the average man can't figure out why there's so much confetti in him.
Finally, with the birth of my son Artem, the maternal instinct woke up in me. Perhaps I will now blurt out the most absurd of my heresies, but it seems to me that in a certain dosage, the maternal instinct is inherent in every father. It’s just that the fathers terribly resist him when they discover: what kind of nonsense is this, what if milk is still pouring now?
You are successful, young and happy. What more could you want? Often in such cases, for a woman, only the approval of a man who is nearby is not enough. But what to do if the beloved man not only does not support, but also envies your achievements? In this article, we will try to figure out what is the nature of men's envy of their women? Husband's envy is a topic today.
Husband's jealousy of his wife's success
Firstly, realizing that your man is jealous of you, there is no need to make a scandal and make claims to the man. A real man, of course, will not show it. But it is worth remembering that 99% of men have stereotypes firmly fixed in their heads that are difficult to fight. And the most basic is the stereotype that a woman should not be more successful than her man.
Such envy of a husband is quite natural - it is in male blood, because he should prevail over a woman. A man is more than hurt when he realizes that he can not protect, help a woman, that she is able to live without him and not worry about tomorrow. On love relationships, such an attitude, sorry for the tautology, will have a negative impact. Such envy is healthy, because a man is motivated to change something in order to become more successful himself.
Also, men have another stereotype, from which, whatever one may say, an unhealthy envy of a husband may appear. When men think that women have an easier life than men.
It is easier for women to find a job, it is easier for them to get recognition in society, to get a person. Such an opinion is usually formed by losers, those who justify their own idleness by this. Yes, women achieve a lot with their charm and charm. But to call a woman more stupid than a man is impossible.
It is necessary to wean the husband from the habit of envy. To begin with, let's consider what mistakes women make in an attempt to remake their husband's envy into a positive one, or even eliminate it altogether. It is wrong not to notice this envy, to be proud of your achievements.
A man will not stop envying, the problem will not be solved. By doing so, you are doing yourself a disservice. You will underestimate your own self-esteem, and even worse - inspire your husband that it is normal to envy, and that your successes are just an accident. And by changing your husband’s envy from negative to positive, you thereby encourage a man to take action.
To the man’s statement about your luck and achievements, answer in the following way: “It was not easy for me, sometimes I get so tired! But you can achieve more, I'm sure! I know how good you are!" Sometimes men need more support than even women.
Women often make the mistake of responding to their husband's claims like this: “I know that I succeeded! And you lie on the couch all day, and nothing like this will happen in your life! Because women are indignant and excited by such behavior of their husband, they try to throw it out on him, to show their displeasure.
However, with such behavior, a woman completely discourages a man’s desire to change something, grow, achieve something. Hearing such reproaches, men will continue to lie on the couch and envy.
Therefore, having understood that your husband has envy of your achievements in your family, it is important not to forget about it, not to consider it a trifle, because both of you are suffering at this moment. Try not to often remember your achievements, at the right time to keep silent about them.
For example, when shopping in a store, pay yourself, after saying to the man: “Can I pay? It will be a great dinner! And You invite me to a restaurant!
