What to do if children are jealous of each other's parents? How to explain to an older child that he is loved no less than the younger one? How to reduce a child's jealousy after the birth of a baby.

When it comes to childhood jealousy, people most often think about the child’s relationship with his brother or sister. However, when communicating with friends or, for example, with my mother’s “new” husband, this problem arises no less often. What are the causes of childhood jealousy, and how can you help your child cope with this feeling?

Reason 1. Egocentrism

A child of 2-5 years old not only believes that he is the navel of the Earth, but is also sincerely indignant at the short-sightedness of others if someone thinks differently. Why did the parents drag the ignorant and eternally from the maternity hospital screaming baby if they already have beautiful child? What did they miss - sleepless nights, round-the-clock laundry? The baby perceives the appearance of a brother or sister as a replacement for himself, so he experiences a storm negative emotions and demonstrates protest. In this case traditional advice Paying more attention to a child is useless.

He wants, as before, to receive everything! He experiences the same feelings for the children with whom his friends communicate, believing that they have found a replacement for him.

To help a child cope with jealousy, it is necessary to show him what he gains with the appearance of a second child in the family or new acquaintances with friends. Play on his petty-proprietary sentiments. He now has a sister, but Kolya doesn’t have one! He has three friends, who make a real team, but Kolya has only one friend, and they don’t communicate with anyone else. Well, what a sad life this Kolya has! Give examples from your life or tell us about relatives who have experienced friendly relations between children in a family. Don't forget about books and films: from Winnie the Pooh, Timur and his team to Harry Potter, we see a “team” approach to friendship. As a rule, after 6 years of age, children themselves begin to strive to expand their social circle, so the problem of egocentrism loses its severity.

What is jealousy? What thoughts do you have, consciously or not? small child, which one
did you have a brother or sister? How does he feel and how does his attitude towards his parents change? How
Is your attitude towards your sibling being formed? Today we will talk about these very important
things.

Jealousy... A painful feeling... Surely at least once in your life, but you yourself have had to
experience it on yourself - as one or the other side... Remember this bouquet of fear,
mistrust, resentment, anger and envy when you feel that you are losing your loved one
because of someone else?

And those feelings that awoke in you when you were jealous? Bewilderment, resentment, somewhere anger, and also latent, secret joy - the saying “jealous means loves” usually does its job quite effectively. But the question of who loves, the one who is jealous, remains open in this saying, as well as the question of whether he loves...

Jealousy is real childish feeling , a feeling of immaturity, a feeling of lack of understanding of one’s own importance and value. Its source is the fear of losing someone who imaginary or really belongs to you and confirms your existence and, no less important, his value.

And this applies equally to both small and fully grown jealous people. Jealousy is fear, jealousy is an attempt to hold on to the elusive opportunity to exert influence.

It is interesting that even the physiological reactions of the body when feeling jealousy are the same as
feeling of fear. If you like, jealousy is akin to cowardice: it is not high feeling, proving the presence of love, and constant uncertainty about own strength. At the same time, dilated pupils, shortness of breath, panic or numbness - all this can be observed in children in particularly difficult moments.

Jealousy is as natural a feeling for a child as pain, anger and fear. Always negative and always destructive, but no less natural for that. Jealousy, like fear, anger, and pain requires living, going through it. Otherwise, like fear, it can take away vitality. And change main goal life - joy - to the painful proof of “but I’m no worse”, “I can do it wrong”, “you’ll see it later”, “you’ll still appreciate it”.

But the difficulty is that children themselves do not understand this, they do not realize it. And parents are not always able to convey to their child such an important idea that because of the birth of another baby, he did not stop being loved and desired.

The idea that after the birth of a new child love is not divided, but multiplied, there is simply more of it, is very difficult not only for small, but also for older children. However, we, parents, know very well that this is actually what happens - our love simply becomes more.

In different children, jealousy manifests itself in different ways - it is so many-sided that it is impossible to predict in advance which path jealousy will follow. the child will go It’s almost impossible - it can be hidden in a wide variety of and, sometimes, the most unexpected reactions and actions.

Someone begins to actively manifest aggressive moods in relation to the baby, and someone, on the contrary, does not touch the baby, but starts biting his nails. Someone is starting compete, or, on the contrary, he may lose the desire for any types of competition. For some, jealousy may begin to manifest itself in the need to be first in everything, or, conversely, in unprecedented modesty, in reckless generosity, or in incredible greed.

Jealousy has one more feature - children almost never realize it. They cannot control their feelings, they do not know how to hide and hide them. They just start to change. Some abruptly, some gradually. For some, changes immediately occur through normal adaptation. But for some, on the contrary, adaptation does not occur; the child, instead of accepting new living conditions, new rules, continues to frantically cling to old habits and old techniques, refusing to accept that the situation has long been different, that everything has changed and now will never will be the same.

It is necessary to understand that Jealousy is always associated with rivalry. In the case of childhood jealousy, it is most often competition between siblings for the attention of their parents. Each of them claims the right to be the best and most beloved by their parents.

But children are jealous of their parents not only of their brothers and sisters, but also of their parents among themselves - sons are jealous of mothers of fathers, daughters of fathers of mothers. Older children are jealous, younger children are jealous, and it’s not easy for middle children either. Here is such a hodgepodge of the most different feelings it turns out.

It is interesting that jealousy often takes parents by surprise - especially those who prepared the eldest for the birth of the youngest and were sure that there was enough straw laid out.

But no, sometimes one is enough careless word so that the fire flares up in full force.

The hardest time in terms of jealousy is for those parents whose children have an age difference of only 1-2 years. The older one still really needs his mother and is not ready to share her due to his age and needs, while the younger one demands more and more of his mother’s attention.

But it is not much easier for those whose children are 4-5 years apart, especially if the eldest child is a boy. It is also difficult for children with a difference of 7-8 years. And each time the reasons for these difficulties are different. If very little children are jealous of their mother, because they themselves still need her and because they themselves have not yet separated from their mother, then boys at 4-5 years old are under the influence "Oedipus complex" and they are jealous of the mother not only of the baby, but also of the father.

At 7-8 years old, the child has been the only one for too long and is perceived by the parents as very mature, especially in comparison with the baby. And this gives rise to its own level of problems.

When planning, giving birth and bringing a new baby into the home, we hope that our children will grow up as close people to each other, will grow up in friendship and caring for each other. After all, they are the best we have. And we are ready to do a lot to make the children happy. Our adult experience tells us that living in the world is not easy. And the easier it is to cope with difficulties, the more close and beloved people we have who can become our support.

But children don’t know this, they don’t have such experience yet; it’s still ahead of them. In the meantime, they get the exact opposite experience - a brother or sister takes away not only the time of the most important person, they also take away their thoughts. Not every child can accept this, allow this. And the behavior of parents is not the least important.

Timur (8 years old) asks his mother Anna almost every day why his brother Pavel (3.5 years old) spends so much time with her. “Sometimes I feel guilty,” Anna complains. — Timur is very jealous when I spend time with Pavel while he is at school. I remind him that Pavel is also at the toddler school several hours a day and that we are just doing everyday things with him. But it doesn't seem to help. And now I’m expecting a baby - what will happen when a new brother or sister takes all my attention?”

For children older age primary school is the period when they are especially acutely aware of jealousy and competition towards their younger brothers and sisters. This happens because they are concerned with showing in various ways that they are capable of jealousy! This type of jealousy is one of the most common. Let's look at why this is so and what can be done about it.

What is hidden behind children's jealousy?

At this stage, the child is already big enough and smart enough to think about what is happening at home in his absence, and alienation is unpleasant for him. In fact, jealousy may have arisen in him when he and his brother were younger, but until now he did not know how to verbalize his feelings and explain them to you. (Remember that development occurs in a single continuous flow; some children reach key life events earlier, others later. You must look at this process as normal, natural and inevitable).

There is nothing strange in the fact that an older brother or sister is jealous when he has to go to school, and his mother youngest child stay at home. In general, as the older child becomes more and more independent, a conflict is brewing inside him. He enjoys being big, but at the same time he is missing out on some of the closeness he enjoyed with Mom or Dad when he was much younger.

Assessing such a close relationship between a parent and a brother or sister (babies are with their parents more; they caress and cuddle more often; they cry, and therefore you have to console them), the older child may feel jealousy and even slight anxiety: do you love your younger brother more? , what is it? The essence of the conflict is the desire to grow up, but to maintain the close relationship that parents now have with their youngest child. This is the root of jealousy and this issue. A struggle that will drag on for several years and reach its climax in adolescence when the child is on the doorstep adult life. If you help him overcome this conflict for the first time now, in the future everything similar situations will no longer be so painful and will be resolved peacefully.

But first ask yourself next question: Do you give your older child as much tenderness and affection as he needs, do you devote time to him?? Or are you unconsciously pushing him into the role of " big brother” when you have a toddler or even several younger children. Are you waiting for him to become an “adult”? Maybe the eldest son is right and you are not “babysitting” him too much? It's easy to let an older child step into this role. As soon as we have a baby, our attention naturally turns to his needs. We forget that the need for tenderness and affection in children 8-10 years old is still great, even if he seems so independent and mature - especially compared to a younger child.

In addition, sometimes a parent already feels “abandoned” if the older child wants to spend more time with peers and do his own things, but there is less and less time left with dad or mom. In this case, it is easy to focus all attention on the younger brother or sister, who is still completely dependent on the parents. Then you can accidentally push the older child into a new role, but he may not be ready for it. But a child who goes to upper primary school needs you no less. He just needs you in a slightly different capacity than before. His jealousy and questions will tell you which one.

You'll be glad when you find out that you weren't bad parent, if they expected the older child to grow up before he was ready for it. This problem has a simple solution, and you will deal with the problem of jealousy that provokes this issue.

Children's jealousy - how to react?

It is best to convince the child that there is no need to choose between being cared for and being independent: one does not interfere with the other, and he can have both. You will need to show that his jealousy is unfounded, since he can act more mature and still maintain a close relationship with you, and his brother or sister is not yet old enough to enjoy his independence.

First, the most helpful thing for your child is if you begin your response by acknowledging his feelings, rather than dismissing the problem out of hand. Instead of saying, “I don’t spend any more time with Pavlik, since he’s at school for a while anyway,” it’s better to respond, “I bet you’re upset because you think I fuss with Pavlik a lot. It’s good that you shared your feelings, so now we’ll figure out how we can get out of this situation.”
The child will share his feelings more willingly - both in this and in other situations - if you recognize his feelings as sincere and exciting to you.

Secondly, your task is to show your older child that this problem can be solved, and when you find a solution, he will spend more time with you, remaining an adult. Here are a few ways to achieve this:

1. Find time to spend time alone with your son or daughter while an adult (spouse, relative, nanny) looks after the younger one.
2. Occasionally, pick up your child from school to have lunch with him or her while your youngest is at school or with the babysitter. This is very effective remedy which will help the older child feel Special attention to himself, and in addition, he, like any student in an upper elementary school, is still small, and such a lunch “recess” will not greatly affect his academic performance, even when he moves to high school.
3. Give your older child the privilege of going to bed later so you can spend time together without distractions. Or allow your older child to go to bed later than usual once a week and spend this time with you in a special way.
4. If you're going to run errands over the weekend, take only your oldest child with you (if you're raising children as a single parent, this might not be the best option). the best option, unless you resort to the help of a nanny).
5. Occasionally, stop specially before going to work to have breakfast with your older child, instructing the one who is looking after the younger one to take the baby to school or kindergarten.
6. Take every opportunity to spend time with your older child (while the baby is sleeping, playing with someone, or watching a children's TV show). Tell your older child that you want to spend this time with him.
7. Remind him often how proud you are that he is such an adult, but you still want him to feel free to show affection!

Few parents with two children have not heard this heart-rending scream at least once. The older one is jealous of the younger one - and what can we do about it? Punish, shame, or try to develop truly brotherly feelings in children?

Everyone knows what jealousy is. There is resentment, and a feeling that you are being neglected, and indignation, and self-pity, and a feeling of global injustice, and misunderstanding - “why did this happen to me”, and torment, and complexes - “I am unworthy of love, I am the worst "... Psychologists say: these feelings are not only experienced by adults. To one degree or another, they are familiar to almost all children when a second child is born in the family. How should parents behave in such a situation? Our mistakes often lie in the initial attitude that jealousy should not exist, that it is “abnormal.” In fact, there is nothing tragic in such a reaction: childish jealousy is just a manifestation of the child’s attachment to his parents. So your task is to help your child minimize jealousy and prevent it Negative consequences. Make sure your children grow up in mutual love and respect for each other, and not in “tough competition”.

2. Childish jealousy - Brother goes against brother.

It is unlikely that the child will be able to formulate his vague feelings. He won’t say: “I’m jealous of my mother.” younger brother(to my sister).” Nevertheless, there are ways to find out how comfortable the older child feels. Childhood jealousy is a struggle for parental attention by any means. available means: whims, tears, hysterics, disobedience, aggressive attacks aimed at the younger one. Children's jealousy manifests itself in very different ways: children can become withdrawn, touchy, refuse food, toys, and follow their mother like a shadow. The older child may begin to show his parents how “unhappy” he is, and even become ill, subconsciously striving to be cared for more than the younger one. In this case, he is overtaken by psychosomatic diseases - skin, respiratory, stomach.

A sure sign that a child is jealous is when he suddenly seems to stop active development and he “returns” to infancy again - he asks his mother for a pacifier, “libs”, even begins to pee, although he has long been accustomed to the potty. This is understandable: the child does his best to imitate the younger one, trying to take his place, demanding to switch attention to himself. It seems to him that he receives less care from his parents than a child. With all his actions, he seems to be saying: “I’m afraid that you’ve stopped loving me! I don't get enough attention! You understand that a baby needs more care than a grown-up child, but the firstborn cannot see big difference between himself and the other baby, he also considers himself small, and quite rightly so.

3. Children's jealousy - Under no circumstances!

Overcoming childhood jealousy should not be based on the principle of suppressing it. You should not scold your child for this feeling, or shame him for his selfishness. Love cannot be imposed, so exhortations like “Sisters should love each other”, “Shame on you, don’t offend him, you’re older”, “You must take care of him, he’s small” - all these are empty words for the poor jealous person. Try not to judge your older child for displaying his feelings, and certainly don’t punish him for such “ bad behavior" If you begin to punish, to remove you from yourself, you will only aggravate the situation, the first-born will feel even more unnecessary and unloved. There is no need to contrast children as “older” and “younger,” especially if the difference between them is not very great. Let them both be “small” for you. You should not force brothers and sisters to share with each other, for example, force them to give a toy or sweets to the younger one.

When the youngest grows up a little, give the children the opportunity to build relationships among themselves, without rushing to find out who is right and who is wrong every time. If you cannot do without punishment, it is better to place both in the corners. Jealousy especially intensifies if parents begin to compare their children. Don’t label your children (this one is bad and that one is good) and don’t let anyone around you do this. For example, the statement “Masha is such a good, obedient girl, but Katya is a beauty” is unlikely to cause in “good Masha” a surge of love for her sister, but it will torment her with jealousy, and her own self-esteem will plummet. So be careful with any assessments of children. Wise parents They try not to compare mental or physical characteristics, talents, or any successes or failures of their children.

4. Children's jealousy - Find a way out.

Let your firstborn feel that you love him as before. Praise him, engage with him, give him small gifts, hug, kiss, take him in your arms. It is important for a child to have every second confidence that his parents love him - exactly him, just as he is.

IN soft form, but be sure to involve the older child in helping to supervise and care for the newborn. Let the elder perceive these actions not as a heavy burden, but as a new one. interesting game. Moreover, if the girl, most likely, will willingly imitate her mother, copying some of her simple actions - she will give her brother a pacifier, put a blouse on him, then it is better to consult with the boy and ask his opinion. It doesn’t matter that you yourself know better than anyone which rattle the baby likes best - your task is to make sure that the older brother gradually gets into the role of an assistant, a man who controls the situation. This way you will give the older child the opportunity to feel his new importance and be proud of his “maturity”. In this case, he will not disappear emotional connection with mother and the feeling will disappear his need in the family. You can seriously think with him about all the hardships and inconveniences of an infant’s lifestyle and the undoubted advantages of the life of an older child. In fact, what good is it - you lie down all day, you can’t go out with friends, you can’t watch a movie. And there’s nothing to say about the menu - no ice cream, no candy either... Plan your day so that you can be alone with your older child, for example, when the little one is sleeping. Play, talk to the elder, read to him. The main thing is that you are left alone. Make a cunning psychological move - let the older child begin to be proud of the younger one. Let the firstborn feel that the baby is also his personal achievement. To do this, say more often: “What a smart guy Petya is, how he takes care of his little sister!” And also, explain to the elder that the baby loves him very much, but is simply not yet able to express all his love. Moreover, this is true, because when in the right mood very soon these two will become friends, will be able to play together, grow up, help each other and will remain close people for life.