Moral standards of behavior in the family. Family norms and rules
Family norms and rules. Typical mistakes of adoptive parents.
Ostrogozhskaya SERVICE FOR PLACEMENT OF CHILDREN IN A FAMILY)
-2015-
An adopted child, having found himself in a foster family, first of all faces a barrier of family rules and norms unknown to him. For the successful upbringing of an adopted child, it is very important that the family is able to convey its rules and norms to the child.
FAMILY NORMS AND RULES ARE THE FOUNDATIONS ON WHICH FAMILY LIFE IS BUILT.
THE LACK OF RULES AND REGULATIONS IS A CHAOS THAT PRESENTS A SERIOUS DANGER TO THE MENTAL HEALTH OF FAMILY MEMBERS.
They can relate to both the daily routine and the possibility of openly expressing feelings. Teenagers with serious behavioral disorders grow up in chaotic families. The vagueness of rules and norms, their unspokenness contribute to the growth of anxiety and confuse family members. A world without rules is a concentration camp, where it is unclear why you can be killed or your life saved. Often, a lack of rules and their misunderstanding become the main sources of grievances and conflicts in the family. The most common example is a mother who complains that her children and husband do not help her much and refuse to fulfill her requests. In such families there are always no clear rules governing responsibilities accepted by all family members.
If the demands put forward, for example, by parents, are contradictory, they give rise to internal conflicts and contradictions in the child.
RULE OF CONTRACT
IN A FAMILY, RELATIONSHIPS ARE BUILT ON EITHER AGREEMENT OR CONFLICT. THE BASIS OF A FAMILY’S EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING ISRULE OF CONTRACT WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO RESPOND FLEXIBLY TO CHANGES AND COPE WITH EVERYDAY STRESS AND CRISIS SITUATIONS. AN AGREEMENT CAN CONCERN ANY ASPECT OF FAMILY LIFE, ESPECIALLY THOSE THATCAUSE DISCOVERY AMONG ITS MEMBERS . IT IS ADVISABLE TO ALLOCATE A SPECIAL TIME AND PLACE TO DISCUSS EVERYONE'S PROBLEMS AND IDEAS. ENCOURAGE SPEAKING OUT AND DON'T CRITICIZE IT. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR ADOPTED CHILDREN. THEY NEVER HAD AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS. AS A RESULT, THEY ONLY ACCUMULATED THEIR NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES, WHICH HAPPENED THEIR DEVELOPMENT.
Analysis of the rules of foster family.
A short list of rules adopted in this family: you need to eat everything and praise what your mother has prepared, otherwise she will be offended; you need to eat at a clearly designated time; If you’re late, your mother will run to look for you and scream that she’s being driven into a coffin. Almost all responsibilities Mom does it herself, but she always complains about how “everyone sat down and drove away.” All doors in should always be open, you can enter any room without warning (what can you hide from your own people?). If mom gets angry with someone in the family, she won't talk until she's gone, maybe for a week. Children must study well; a C, and even more so a D, are unacceptable grades that disgrace the family.
Rule 1. You must eat everything that your mother prepares.
Why does this rule interfere with the successful raising of an adopted child? The mother's sense of self-worth is associated with children's eating behavior. Adopted children, as a rule, have peculiar stereotypes of food preferences and eating behavior. They, like all children, eat what they are used to. The requirement to comply with this rule will be associated with unnecessary conflicts and grievances. Children need to be gradually accustomed to new tastes.
Rule 2. You need to eat at a clearly designated time.
Why does this rule interfere with the successful raising of an adopted child? Children raised in unfavorable conditions have poorly developed self-regulation and self-control. They are hungry in the womb and are ready to eat for days. They hide pieces so that they always have food in reserve. You may find dried pieces in the most unexpected places, such as under the mattress. It's better to organize snacks for them than to be offended that they don't follow the rules. For snacks, it is best to use foods that increase blood glucose levels (if there are no contraindications).
Rule 3. If you are late, your mother will run to look for you and scream that she is being driven into a coffin.
Why does this rule interfere with the successful raising of an adopted child? Stepchildren find it difficult to adhere to strict time limits, so the mother's overly expressive response to lateness will encourage the children to use "lies to save themselves and their mother."
Rule 4. Almost all duties Mom does it herself, but she always complains about how “everyone sat down and drove off”
Why does this rule interfere with the successful raising of an adopted child? The mother's sacrificial position in performing household duties is associated with the family's inability to agree on the distribution of responsibilities. It can fuel the desire for dependency in children.
Rule 5. All doors in should always be open, you can enter any room without warning (what can you hide from your own people?).
Why does this rule interfere with the successful raising of an adopted child? We have already talked about the fact that a child needs to have a space in the family that he feels as his own. If others, including parents, respect his boundaries, then he, too, will eventually learn to respect them from others. Those. he will not take things and money from other family members. Family members must also protect their boundaries. In the first two years of admission, especially at the beginning, it is necessary to remove the most valuable things and not scatter money around , know exactly how many of them are stored in . You cannot create conditions to provoke theft from a child!!!
Rule 6: If mom gets angry with someone in the family, she won't talk until she's gone, maybe for a week.
Why does this rule interfere with the successful raising of an adopted child? For adopted children, such a rule is intolerable. They perceive their mother’s silence as total rejection.
Rule 7. Children must study well, a C, and even more so a D, are unacceptable grades that disgrace the family
Why does this rule interfere with the successful raising of an adopted child? Connecting the prestige of the family and the grades of adopted children at school is a direct path to their rejection. Almost all of them have various developmental delays, pedagogically neglected.
WHEN AND HOW SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR FOSTER CHILD ABOUT THE EXISTING RULES OF FAMILY LIFE.
For example:
In a family, everyone should respect each other.
2) . Patience with each other!
3) . Mutual assistance.
4) . Understanding.
5) . Everyone should have their own responsibilities.
6) . Love for each other.
7) . Helping parents to children, children to parents.
8) . Do not swear!
9) . Parents should earn money and children should get good grades.
Example, family rules :
1. Dad is the first to get up in the morning, he wakes everyone up.
2. Brother Ilya always walks with the dog.
3. Brother Nikita feeds the fish and cleans the aquarium.
4. Mom always buys bread.
5. Dinner is always at 18.00.
6. In the evening, be sure to ventilate the rooms.
7. Light in everything turns off at 23.00.
8. On Sunday the whole family goes to the forest.
9. Celebrating the New Year the whole family.
10. You can’t boil water in the kettle a second time, you need to pour fresh water!
Now let’s work through family rules and traditions step by step...
1. Take 10 minutes to analyze those unwritten rules that everyone in your family adheres to.
2. Select one weekday from the life of your family, start right in the morning: what events, actions are repeated day after day, year after year, and you have long stopped paying attention to them?
3. Now consider the whole week in the life of the family. Weekend rules, if any, will be added here.
4. The next stage is holidays: if there are any unwritten rules for celebrating, for example, mother’s birthday or New Year, write them down.
5. Now think again about what you missed.
6. Wrote at least 10 rules - well done!
7. Pay attention, which of the rules apply specifically to you?
8. Which family member is mentioned more often than others on your list? Why?
9. Is there anything on your list that surprised you?
10. Is there anything you want to change?
11. Maybe you want to add some rule?
12. Offer to do the same to your friend. Then analyze, compare: what are the similarities and differences?
13. Sometimes we find ourselves in families where other rules “work” or ours “don’t work.” Now you can immediately notice it. Respect other people's rules!
Family rules and traditions are what makes every family unique. But often we live in a system of these rules, without even noticing them and without thinking that we can change them and improve them, make our lives and those of our beloved family better.
Family rules can be called those orders and customs that pass from one family, generation to another.
It is family values, traditions and habits that distinguish our families. After all, everyone has their own. For example, among the rules of my family, there are such as making dumplings together for the New Year. Everyone celebrates holidays differently, but in our family everything looks about the same every year.
We all make dumplings together, celebrate the New Year, and watch TV. And although none of us believes in Santa Claus anymore, we give each other gifts and put them under the tree. I love that we not only follow these family rules, but we also have fun with it, even as adults. And there are many similar rules in our family. For example, we do general cleaning every Saturday. Each family member has his own responsibility - dusting, sweeping or washing the floors. In the evening, after finishing general work, we like to sit with the whole family and watch something interesting on TV. And this is also one of our family rules. In addition, we really love getting together with the whole family and having picnics in nature. And this is the most favorite family rule of all that my family follows. When I create my own social unit, I would really like to transfer into it all the family rules that I followed from early childhood. I want my children and grandchildren to follow them too.
Family rules are a huge and important value for every family, because our well-being depends on them.
Mistakes of substitute parents in raising children
We all make mistakes, but when we make mistakes in parenting, it affects the child's future relationships and personality.
Domestic threats
“If you don’t clean your room, you won’t get sweets,” “Do as I say and without asking questions, otherwise I won’t let you go outside.”
Often parents say this without thinking that the child perceives such statements very painfully. They cause him fear, hostility and a negative attitude towards his parents.
orders
“I am a mother and I know better what you need”, “If your father told you, you must obey”, “I forbid you to be friends with...”.
Such phrases are a manifestation of the desire to subjugate another person, even a small one. Believe me, this will not do anything good. The child accumulates resentment within himself and dreams of the day when he will grow up and show who is stronger.
«
Laziness was born before you
“,” “I talk and talk, but it’s all in vain.”
Such remarks drive the child into a dead end and leave him no hope of correction, especially when he is accused of something that does not depend on him. Result? The child feels that his parents do not love him, he becomes withdrawn and taciturn, with even less desire to help his parents.
Offensive words
“You are a stubborn donkey”, “Why are you looking like a sheep?”, “And who are you like?”
Insults and offensive nicknames lower a child’s self-esteem, and a similar offensive model of communication with other people is formed in his mind.
Unmotivated interrogation
“Why are you so late?”, “Why are you digging around here for so long?”
.
Often, parents like to find out or find fault with insignificant details in the child’s behavior, and he perceives this as a manifestation of distrust in himself. The result is fear of adults, secrecy and lies.
“You’re doing this to spite me,” “You don’t have to make excuses, I already know everything.”
Such statements are very painful for the child’s psyche. The reluctance of parents to understand the actions of the child builds a wall between them, which will become higher every year.
Untimely advice “I told/warned...”, “When you grow up, you’ll understand,” “If you had done as I said, nothing would have happened, but now solve your problem yourself.”
Types of family rules
Agreement on creating a personal budget on mutually beneficial terms (from 12 years old)
Such an agreement can be one of the reasonable forms of relationship between parents and children. Provides both protection of the interests of children and the opportunity for parents to achieve their educational goals.
For example:
This agreement is signed between our beloved Olya and Seryozha, hereinafter referred to as Children and us, caring and loving mother Katya, and attentive and caring father Andrey, hereinafter referred to as Parents, with the following purpose:
Creating a personal budget for Children and accumulating money for a beautiful holiday with all the ensuing joys and entertainment, because we want our children to understand how to treat money correctly, so that there is always a lot of it and enough for everything, that an unusually colorful reward is awarded for good work rest!
The absolutely correct provisions of the current contract are:
Children happily receive money for personal expenses in the amount of 100 rubles every month.
Money is cheerfully given out by Parents at the end of the month based on the results of fulfilling the terms of the contract.
That part of the money that will be set aside for a trip to the sea or for a vacation in other good places is multiplied by five and issued only before the trip.
From the personal money set aside for the vacation of our beloved Children, a ticket and all the things necessary for the vacation are purchased, and the remaining amount can be used for personal purposes during the vacation or during the holidays (as agreed by the parties).
1. Obligations of the parties.
Children seriously undertake obligations to fulfill the school plan, the plan for helping their parents with housework, the plan for maintaining order in personal belongings, and the health plan.
Parents no less seriously take the obligation to pay the established amount on time, provided that all specified plans are fulfilled by at least 80%.
Payments are clearly made by Caring Dad - Andrey, the main holder of the family budget.
Monitoring the implementation of plans is loudly carried out by Caring Mom - Katya, the main controller of family plans.
2. Duration of the contract.
3. Procedure for resolving disputes.
All disputes are considered by interested parties in a warm, friendly atmosphere. The decision is made within ten minutes.
To resolve disputes, a magistrate (Aunt Zhenya), the fairest judge in the world, may be involved, whose services are paid for by the party who turns to him.
4. Changes in the terms of the contract.
The terms of the contract cannot be changed just like that.
The parties are obliged to have a hearty cup of tea, respectfully discuss the new terms and joyfully make changes to the existing agreement.
Appendix 1. School plan.
Duration: Week Number of A's: At least three. Number of fours: Any. Number of triplets: No more than three. Number of twos: One two takes away one five.
Start homework immediately after lunch.
Appendix 2. Household assistance plan
Deadline: Week. Help with : 1. Take out the trash twice. 2. Wash the dishes twice. 3. Help mom cook. 4. Wash the floors once.
Help in the room: 1. Vacuum once. 2. Wash the floors twice.
Help with cleaning on Saturdays: Determined by mom.
Bonus/Fine: Be sure to clean up after yourself without reminders. Fine – 10 rubles. One reminder is allowed. If the Children were smart all week, there is a bonus. Which one? - Parents decide
Appendix 3. Plan for organizing personal belongings
All things must be in perfect order.
Rules for a child from 2 to 3 years old
Well, your child's first birthday is already behind you. What do you expect from the next two years?
At one year old he can walk and begins to talk. At three he speaks perfectly. Of course, he sleeps all night. He was transferred from breastfeeding to regular food without any problems. Willingly with other children, shares toys, but if necessary, can get his own way. He loves his brothers or sisters and treats them well. He always obeys, doesn’t run away, breaks up with you easily, touches only allowed things, is always in a good mood and healthy. He has been going to the potty since he was 2 years old. Of course, he can already eat with his own hands. Loves all sorts of healthy things, vegetables and fruits. Often plays in his room, maybe for hours one. He is brave and at the same time does not do anything dangerous. Always looks clean and tidy.
Do you know such children? I know, at least, mothers who say: “This is how it should be. If something is wrong, I’m a failure and a bad mother.” But the reality looks different: And those children who later begin to walk or talk are still , they hate vegetables, but they would gladly take their newborn brother back to the maternity hospital, they are also absolutely normal.
During this intense phase of development, each child expands his horizons at his own pace. He learns to run - and to escape at the same time. He learns to speak – including the word “no”. He can build and destroy towers. He learns to communicate with other children, if not with words, then perhaps with stroking, or even beating and biting. He knows how to feed himself - and can throw food with precision. He can hug mom - and he can kick. No child at this age can understand what is good and what is bad. But he can notice this in the constantly recognizable reaction of his parents and draw conclusions.
Rules “The child is in charge, the parents are at their beck and call” (the premise “Everything will happen the way I want. What others feel about it doesn’t bother me”):
If I snatch something from another child's hands, I can keep it for myself.
If I don't touch dinner, mom will cook me something else
If I fall on the floor and scream, I will immediately get what I want
I already know exactly when I want to go to the toilet. But if I refuse to use the potty, my mother will wash me and put me on clean clothes. .
Rules "Child is no one, Parents are all":
If I snatch a child's toy from his hands, I'll get hit in the butt
I have to sit on the potty until I do something.
If I don't touch my lunch, I'll be force-fed
If I fall to the floor in rage, I will be yelled at and beaten.
Here the wishes of the parents come first. They are not interested in what it feels like for the child. And children who have to periodically follow first the first rules, then the second, get very confused.
Rules: “Respect for the child, respect for the parents”:
If I snatch something from another child's hands, my mother will take it away from me and give it back to him.
If I don't touch my lunch, I have to wait until the next feeding.
If I fall to the floor and scream, my mother immediately leaves the room.
They don't wear me anymore , even if I often still pee in my pants
During breakfast in kindergarten, everyone sits down . I only have to sit while I eat. I can't walk around the room with food in my hand.
Rules for a child 4-6 years old (kindergarten)
When the child is already 4 years old, it is time to:
1. Teach your child to obey mom and dad the first time.
2. Burden the child with small household responsibilities that he can do:
put your toys away in a designated place;
carefully fold and hang (on a chair) your ;
help mom and dad (for example, bring small things);
help cover on (take forks, spoons, napkins).
3. As an adult, tell your child thank you for caring about others and praise him for his help in cases where he:
* fulfills his duties without reminder;
for what he does voluntarily with concern for others (not duties: for example, wipes , watering flowers or cleaning up after pets);
for the desire to develop (for example, a child asks to be taught the alphabet).
4. It is necessary to set an example for the child to care for strangers or acquaintances, except relatives:
draw his attention to the fact that older children and young people give up seats on transport to the elderly, disabled and pregnant women, mothers with small children. It is important to explain exactly why this is being done.
on how young people help grandmothers carry heavy ;
other examples of caring.
5. Teach your child to exercise from childhood . When choosing a type you can take into account his opinion and agree that since he has chosen, he will go for a certain minimum amount of time, even if he doesn’t like it. By doing this, we wean him away from the idea that his parents will satisfy his every desire every time, and we teach him to take responsibility for his choice.
6. Limit entertainment that does not develop or develops little: cartoons, etc.
7. Teach that mom and dad have the right to allocate time/resources only for themselves, and, for example, leave them alone for 1 hour a day and play on their own during this time. For example, mom is putting on makeup or is busy with important work. It is important that the child does not develop selfishness. Example: when I was a child, I told my son: “Now play by yourself while I finish this task.” And he knew that at this time it was forbidden to be capricious and distract attention to oneself without good reason. This is a parent STOP.Rules for children from 6-7 years old (primary school)
What does your ideal student look like? Of course, he can't wait for the first day of school. He grasps everything on the fly with greed, he wants to teach and is not at all overloaded. It is easy for him to study, he does his homework independently and in the shortest possible time, so that in his free time he can exclusively express himself in or creativity, etc.
Well, well... You can dream about such a child, but no one gets it ready-made. The reality is different. Not every child learns to read without difficulty; for many it is difficult, and some simply cannot stand reading. The situation is similar with swimming and perseverance...
Perhaps you are thinking about something else: moral values such as honesty, courage, loyalty, modesty, friendliness, justice, politeness are very important to you. And now, at a conscious age, you would like to convey them to your child. Have you noticed how it has become fashionable in raising children to only talk about these qualities? At the moment, other “values” are more in demand - to have success, to succeed, the ability to achieve one’s own, to use every hole in the law for one’s own benefit.
What to do? There is a lot to do, but developing good rules for a child and teaching children to these rules is one of the simplest and most reliable methods. Both in kindergarten, and in school or sections, the rules must not only be clearly stated, but also implemented. The older our children get, the more closely we parents have to collaborate with other groups.
Unfortunately, in many families the rules are crooked... For example,
If I take a long time to get ready in the morning, my dad will take me to school by car.
If I pretend to be stupid enough when doing my homework, my mother sits and studies with me every day for 2 hours
If I can't watch TV, I have to whine for so long until my mother gives up.
The wishes of parents are not respected here, and children get what they want, even if they behave badly. These are the rules “Child is in charge, parents are at their beck and call.” Other children learn the rules “Child is no one, Parents are everything”:
If I dig in the morning, I will be forbidden to watch TV in the evening.
If there is even one mistake in my homework, I will have to rewrite everything again.
If my mother catches me watching TV, they will yell at me and put me under house arrest.
Such rigidity does not educate, but oppresses and embitters.
I would like to believe that the situation in your family is different, and your children naturally follow simple rules:
I come to school punctually;
I do my homework regularly;
In class I sit in my seat;
I raise my hand (let you know) if I want to say something.
And:
If I dig around in the morning, I'll be late for school;
My mother offers me help with my homework. If I start being a fool, she comes out;
If a certain show is not suitable for me, the TV remains turned off.
Rules for a child 8-12 years old
This agreement is signed between children and adults with the aim of both maintaining peace and love in the family, and for the formation of useful and correct attitudes, values, and habits of the family.
Responsibilities of the parties: The child seriously accepts obligations to comply with the rules of harmony, development, beauty and order. Adults take no less serious responsibility for monitoring compliance with family rules.
The contract is valid until the end of the current year. At the request of the parties, the contract can be quickly extended for any period.
Procedure for consideration of disputes. All disputes are considered by interested parties in a warm, friendly atmosphere. The decision is made within ten minutes. To resolve disputes, a magistrate (Petya), the fairest judge in the world, may be involved, whose services are paid for by the party who turns to him.
Changing the terms of the contract. The terms of the contract cannot be changed just like that. The parties are obliged to have a hearty cup of tea, respectfully discuss the new terms and joyfully make changes to the existing agreement. All exceptions are by agreement. These exceptions should bring joy to all participants and benefit our spiritual, mental and physical health.
Signatures of the parties
FAMILY RULES with a teenage girl 8-10 years old
BEAUTY
We are positive sunshine! No sourness. Moan no more than 2 minutes 45 seconds per day.
Royal posture - radiant smile (Venus Game)
I wake you up - you smile at me and get up within a minute.
In the morning, quickly wash your face, brush your teeth, comb your hair, make your bed. In the evening - shower.
HARMONY
Daily prayer: a) gratitude, b) repentance c) request
Respect adults. Don't be rude.
In case of disagreement, possible behavior options: a) obey, silently do it with love and a smile; b) constructive dispute (begins with agreement with the partner’s point of view, then we express our position. (We discuss the pros and cons, take action).
Not a drop of cold sharp evil. We resolve all issues in a calm atmosphere, kindly, without raising our voices or swearing.
Do at least 1 good deed per day (help, care, donation, etc.)
ORDER
– clean items are neatly folded, dirty items are washed.
In writing complete order was put in place, things in the room were put in their places until 22.00
The bed must be made every morning.
Be sure to clean up after yourself without reminders.
After eating, clean up after yourself and wash the dishes.
Cleaning the apartment once a week (what to do is determined by an adult)
DEVELOPMENT
Write down homework at school in a diary. Take daily . games: allowed to watch educational programs. Entertainment - by agreement. How much and what to play/watch is up to the adult to decide
Sanctions for violating the rules
Squat/push-up/press
Temporary deprivation (of hugs/going to Temple/society/entertainment)
Fine – 20 rubles
We come up with sanctions for ourselves.
If a child has been smart all week, at the end of the week he receives a gift (a smile, a hug, a chocolate bar or a bonus). What - the adult decides.
Rules for a teenager
Teenagers are a difficult age; they object to the imposition of something from the outside and are ready to fight for their freedom. On the other hand, this is the time when parents are obliged to prepare them for adulthood, where responsibility and self-control are necessary.
Teach your teenager to follow a reasonable format
Do you have a good family? Then your task is to make sure your children know very clearly what is categorically unacceptable in communication, where is the plinth below which you cannot fall in your family. Even when angry, you should never use obscene language. When talking with parents, you cannot show disrespect: sit pointedly lounging, not answer questions and show that these questions bother you. If you don’t agree, clearly and collectedly, with respect for the parents, say what you agree with, what you don’t, and what you suggest. If there is a rule (we go to bed at 22.00), then it cannot be changed without the permission of elders. “Informing” (that is, confronting the fact) is normal only in a situation of force majeure and when it is impossible to discuss the urgent situation with elders. If the elders were available, at least , then making independent decisions in violation of agreements is a violation of family law.
Life skills and civility training
Teenagers can determine for themselves what they think is right to teach themselves for the life ahead, but daily training in manners, manners and useful social skills should be. Methods can help with this And .
Self-Responsibility
Teenagers are responsible for having their own goals and achieving them (moving towards achieving them) according to plan. Goals and plans can be developed completely independently, or (and in principle this is more reasonable) together with parents. But if they have accepted them, now these should not remain dreams and good intentions, now they are obligations (to themselves) that they are obliged to fulfill.
Like adults. And parents can and should ask this of them: whether they fulfill or not, they are their own (not imposed by someone else, but their own!) goals and obligations.
Material for discussion
Excerpt from the article: “Here are the things my daughters were never allowed to do: go to sleepovers, have boyfriends, participate in school plays, complain about not being allowed to participate in school plays, watch TV or V , choose your own extracurricular activities, get grades below “A”, not be “student number 1” in any subject other than physical education and drama...”,
Not all foster parents may agree with this list: schoolchildren do not need to wander around all night, and early cupids, in general, are of no use. School amateur activities are usually at a very low level, and there is no point in spending time on it; TV and computer games are the path to degradation. People go to school to study, not to hang out and have fun, and doing poorly at school has no excuse (if the child is healthy and well-groomed). There are, of course, C-grade Einsteins, but more often they are just quitters. Studying with straight A's is normal. This does not mean that you should throw a tantrum over the top four, but the result should be on par. It is better to coordinate electives with parents. I’ll definitely send my son to chess, let him train his brain. And in the sports section, something like athletics, while I’m small. I would also like to go to music school, piano or guitar, but we’ll see according to abilities. », 2002 ;
Article by A. Nikolaeva “Rules for children of different ages”, 2002;
Vasilyeva-Gangnus L.P. "The ABC of Politeness" - M.: Pedagogika, 1989;
They I. L. “Thank you, please, hello” - L.: Lenizdat, 1991;
"A book for girls." (Compiled by N. Sukhova, V. Yartsev) - Novosibirsk: "Mangazeya", 1998.
Busheleva B.V. “Let’s talk about good manners” - Petrozavodsk: “Karelia”, 1991.
No two families are the same; all families are very individual. Every good and bad family is good and bad in its own way.
It is impossible and ethically unsightly to “spy” on families through the “keyhole,” that is, to show curiosity by asking people how their family relationships are going. But the result of these relationships is clearly manifested, and can be seen by the way from these families: law-abiding or morally violating people.
During the 20 post-Soviet years, much was left to chance. Among other things, established family values and raising children in the spirit of family morality have sunk into oblivion. But with the revival of spirituality, questions increasingly began to arise about lost morality, about the need to revive each person’s understanding of cultural, spiritual, moral and family values, about strengthening the family.
The family is the initial link from which any society is built and formed. It is from the family that the origins of a person’s roots growing into the ancestral soil and the emergence of love for the place where people were born and raised begin, otherwise they become “tumbleweeds” without love for their family, without faith and spirituality.
If you don’t begin to mentor young parents, don’t teach them the basics of family and educational ethics, don’t consolidate in their minds all the good things that were developed in the families of their parents and other exemplary families, how the children of righteous ashabs were raised, then this good will dissolve and not will leave a mark on the souls of children. This means that nothing good will happen in the future, when children and adolescents grow up, reach adulthood and want to start their own families.
Children are like sponges, absorbing everything good and bad. But more often than not, all the good is washed away, and the bad settles in the mind and begins to dominate the thoughts and fate of the child. In order to protect children and their future from bad things, I offer parents the following five rules that help in raising both children and mothers and fathers themselves.
These rules are easy to understand and follow; it is advisable to accept them and take the first step in applying them.
RULE ONE:
Parents must realize their dominant role in the family, and children must understand that the master of the house is the father, and the mistress is the mother. The father performs all male, paternal responsibilities, the mother - female, maternal. But this does not mean that the mother alone should bear all the physical load in fulfilling her duties; her growing children must help her in this. A father needs to pay more attention to his sons, direct their attention to ensuring that they grow up as strong and healthy children, play sports, know how to protect their younger ones, and help their mother in everyday life. The mother should instill in their minds the knowledge of family traditions and rituals. It is the mother who needs love for each other, a sense of mutual assistance and support, knowledge of the native language and respect for older relatives on the part of both father and mother. Children should know where the roots of their family tree come from, they should feel an inextricable connection with this place, with this land, with their home. It is this feeling of unity that will always give them powerful fuel in the future. It is this that will not allow you to break away and go to unknown distances far from your family, friends and from the place where they were born and lived for many years of their lives.
RULE OF THREES:
In a family, there should be no competition between siblings: neither in getting grades at school, nor in doing household chores, nor in demonstrating special talents and abilities. They must know what each can do better and what they can show themselves in without infringing on the dignity of another brother or sister. They must learn to help each other and be proud not of themselves and their successes, but of what is wonderful about their brother and sister. This is what helps children gain a sense of mutual understanding and support for each other.
Parents should treat all their children, but if one of them is sick or cannot yet walk and perform their duties independently, these children should be the center of attention of the whole family, and everyone should learn to show special support and care to such a family member . This is how there will be no jealousy in the family because one of the children is given more attention: they will know and understand why this happens. Children must be sure that each of them is desired, loved and needed by both father and mother.
RULE THREE:
Separate punishments and rewards are undesirable in the family.
A child cannot be kicked out of the house for misbehavior. You cannot deny him food and drink. You cannot remain stern and indifferent at the sight of a child’s wounds and bruises, because all this causes serious trauma to the child’s soul and alienates him from his parents. No matter how guilty the child is, parents need to realize that this is not only his misfortune, but also the fault of the parents themselves, who missed something in his upbringing. This parental omission led the child to commit an offense . Each such case should be discussed within the family circle and a joint decision should be made on how to help the failed child in the future. This will help you not return to this topic again. Understand and forgive, forget about a bad offense and remember all the good things - this is how positive things are brought up in children.
Separate rewards in the form of a sum of money for good grades, helping around the house, for sports achievements, success in creativity and other areas should also not be welcomed and should not become mandatory within the family. This can fuel a spirit of superiority and competition in children. Children must understand that not everyone can learn, create, compose, or be first in sports or anywhere else in the same way. There is always only one first place, but there are a huge number of people who want to take it, and this is exactly what parents should explain to their children . And if their children can honestly and honorably reach the podium, then this should be the result of hard work and the desire to prove themselves among worthy opponents. Their talents and abilities must be developed in the right direction. And this should not be encouraged by additional monetary rewards from the father or mother, but celebrating the child’s success at the festive family table should and should be done.
RULE FOUR:
In such cases, children are happy to talk about their grades, sports achievements and, if they have problems, try, with the help of their parents, to understand why they arose and how to cope with them.
In such families, problems and joys are all common. A friendly family rejoices together, and this makes the joy great. And when they are upset together, because the grief is shared by all family members, the negative experiences decrease and soon completely disappear from the family horizon.
RULE FIFTH:
They are very sensitive to the fine line between truth and lies.
Parents can talk to their children as much as they want about the rules of behavior and the fact that they need to follow them, but all their conversations and calls may be in vain. Adults must remember that, first of all, they themselves need to be the person they encourage their children to become.
If parents say one thing, but do exactly the opposite themselves, then children will remember not their words, but their actions.
If the father says that drinking and smoking is harmful, and he himself does all this in front of his children, then the children are unlikely to believe him, seeing that he himself violates the principles of correct behavior.
If a mother likes to gossip and slander with her neighbors, if she does not pay due attention to order and comfort in the house, can she demand the opposite from her children?
There will be a residue of mistrust in such parents in the souls of children.
Every family should not have double standards and norms of behavior. Otherwise, children will simply repeat the fate of their parents, and trust in their parents will be lost. Therefore, parents must first correct themselves and thus will correct the fate of their own children. Can parents wish a bad fate for their children or want their children to repeat their sins?
Changing your behavior and raising your children correctly requires fortitude and great patience. In the Holy Quran, Allah Almighty calls people to patience and fortitude, which help people not to stray from the right path, and the mercy of the Creator leads them along the path of Truth.
In conclusion, it should be noted that living according to the above rules is good because in this case life becomes correct, and this is done for the benefit of yourself and the happy future of your children.
Wish
I want everyone to know this:
Even if he hears all the words for the first time.
For everyone, family is the beginning of everything.
When family becomes the standard
Fear of God and faith as one,
One that has absorbed the entire word.
When the family is a unit and a unit,
The beginning of faith, family and everything native.
Do not commit evil, do not break the family thread.
Don't intentionally cut all ties with her.
The Creator will not give good things to those who, in spite of
This is acting against God's command.
Attach the related thread more tightly.
Love your family, take care of your ties.
Live in peace and protect your family!
Perhaps everyone will agree that the happy person is the one who has a loving family. But it takes a lot of work to create it. Often young people are unaware of this when they get married. The time of dating passes, and the period of grinding begins. In order to have a favorable environment at home, it is better to formulate in advance the rules of the family, which all its members will subsequently adhere to.
Family is a team
A good team not only celebrates everyone's successes, but also shares failures equally. If your husband gets a promotion at work, you should praise him and tell him how great he is for achieving this. The child learned to read - he is also smart, because he tried a lot, and he succeeded. And even if the wife made a lot of effort to achieve these successes, both the spouse and the child still get the opportunity to be proud of themselves. This will help raise self-esteem, believe in your strength and importance.
If one of the family members fails, there is no need to scold and blame him, he is probably already upset. It is better to offer to think together about the problem and its possible solutions. When speaking, you should use words like “we” and “our” instead of “your” and “mine.” After all, a family is a unit of society that unites spouses and their children.
Family leader
Every team has a captain, and family is no exception. But only one person can become a leader. If there are two of them, then competition will begin, and even solving small everyday problems will end in a scandal every time. Therefore, it is necessary to clearly decide who is in charge in the family. The husband and wife should consult with each other and discuss who will take on the role of leader. It is worth discussing its functions in advance. At the same time, the leader does not decide everything for everyone, but only makes decisions based on the suggestions and wishes of other family members.
Is the head of the family a man?
Previously, no one thought about who would be the head of the family. From time immemorial it was a man. His direct responsibility was to provide the family with everything necessary. The woman kept the family hearth, took care of the house and raising children. She received everything she needed to complete her tasks from her breadwinner, that is, from a man. The head of the family was responsible for everything and made the most important decisions. Today, this arrangement suits many spouses, and they continue to adhere to it. There are no problems regarding this, and this does not prevent the family from being strong.
Can a woman be the head?
Today, if a man proposes, this does not mean that he will unconditionally be the only economic support in the family. A woman can also perform this function. Often in modern families, only children are dependent, and spouses provide for them. If a woman also earns, especially on an equal basis with a man, then it becomes unclear who is in charge in the family. Not everything is as simple here as with the old way of life.
According to sociological research, leadership in the family belongs to the spouse who performs regulatory and administrative functions. In most cases, all this is done by the woman. She plans the family budget, organizes family consumption, deals with education and household chores. It turns out that today a woman is becoming the main one in many respects, not just economically.
Who will be the head of the family?
It is worth noting that the concepts of “breadwinner” and “head of the family” are outdated. Moreover, they are absent from the Civil Code and the Constitution. Today, more and more people characterize the marital union as a family without a head. That is, men and women participate equally in decision-making and household chores. Such relationships in the family prove that it is not at all necessary to appoint a head.
Family responsibilities
Everyone in the family has their own responsibilities. If they are distributed unevenly, spouses will often have disagreements and conflicts. Such contradictions can be very acute and lead to serious consequences - dissatisfaction with the marriage. However, you need to understand that the husband and wife will still not be happy if all responsibilities are simply divided equally. It is important that they correspond to the inclinations and character of the person, then the eternal disputes about household chores will cease. The separation should suit everyone and look fair in the eyes of the spouses.
Any duty must be performed out of love and care for each other, and not because someone needs it and it is so established by the rules of the family. Examples for clarity:
1. Everyone washes the dishes themselves, because it takes a lot of mom’s time, and she wants to spend it with loved ones.
2. The husband stops at the store for groceries because he is on his way, and meanwhile the wife will already start preparing dinner. The main thing is that everyone understands why they are doing this.
No one owes nothing to nobody
It is wrong to reduce family obligations to the word “should.” For example, “I work all day long, and you just sit on my neck,” “I’m like a squirrel in a wheel, spinning around the house,” “You’re a husband, and I’m looking forward to romantic evenings with you.” The list can be endless; similar phrases are heard in many families.
You need to understand that no one owes anyone anything. This idea simply needs to be included in the family rules. If you are tired, ask your loved ones for help. If love and care reign in the house, it will not be difficult for anyone to wash the dishes or throw out the trash instead of someone else. If you want romance, you don’t need to wait and demand it from your husband; it’s enough to organize a pleasant evening yourself.
Support the authority of your husband or wife
If there is a child in the family, spouses need to adhere to the same parenting strategy. Children feel and see their parents’ disagreements well, so they will begin to cheat, dodge and look for concessions. If you need to resolve some issue of upbringing, then you should do it behind a closed door. That is, growing children should not hear anything. Then the children in the family will equally respect both mom and dad.
The same goes for discussing your other half outside the home. You can’t talk to other people about your spouse’s shortcomings, especially after a quarrel. You will definitely make peace, but outsiders will have a negative opinion. In this case, the authority of the spouse will be undermined.
In front of a child, you also can’t say nasty things about his mom or dad. Otherwise, he will believe that it is not necessary to obey a “bad” parent. Remember that your spouse is the best person in the world, so his authority must be supported. Make any decisions together. If you disagree with something, then discuss it only in private with each other.
All problems are discussed
There is no need to wait for your spouse to figure out the problem that has arisen. Perhaps he doesn't even know about it. If you are tired or upset about something, say so directly. The boss shouted - tell us about it yourself, and don’t wait for questions. The carpet is dirty, and you no longer have the strength - ask your husband to vacuum it, he himself may not even guess.
Only through communication can relationships in the family be built. Therefore, make it a rule to discuss all existing problems. You just need to do this without scandals, shouting and reproaches, in a calm tone. It is absolutely impossible to keep silent about something and isolate yourself, trying to avoid conflict. Such behavior will only create mutual misunderstanding and take problems to the extreme.
There is no need to remain silent, accumulate negativity and irritation. You need to talk openly about your thoughts and feelings. The more sincerely this is done, the easier it is to understand the reasons for discontent. Just don’t sort things out in a state of irritation or with a tipsy spouse. It is better to wait for a more opportune moment to solve the problem.
Compromise is also a solution
A strong family is one that knows how to resolve conflicts, and not one that does not quarrel. Therefore, in disputes there is no need to stand your ground. The best option for a marital union is to think in a “win-win” manner. That is, try to find a solution that will suit everyone, and not just one.
For example, you started a renovation. One spouse liked the floral wallpaper, while the other liked the striped wallpaper. There is no need to quarrel over this, look for a third option. Or you can cover one half of the room with striped wallpaper, and make the other half floral. You will get an original design with zoning.
Don't try to change the other half
When discussing the rules of behavior in the family, it is worth mentioning that attempts to change your husband or wife will not lead to anything good. Many people hope that things will be different after marriage, but in most cases this is not the case. For example, if a girl is not economical, then she may not like cooking and cleaning. Or if a man abuses alcohol, you should accept that after marriage he will not give up this business. It is very difficult to change an adult, and often simply impossible. Therefore, you need to learn to put up with your spouse’s shortcomings. If everything was fine before the wedding, then after it there should be no complaints.
Set boundaries
A family is a unit of society that consists of a husband, wife and their children. Nobody treats her anymore. All other relatives (fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, grandmothers, grandfathers and others) are only a part of a large family. You shouldn’t let them into your life too deeply or try to please them in everything. If your parents don’t like something about your other half, but you are happy with everything, then you should tell them about it and gently ask them not to interfere in the relationship. You should also not allow relatives to look into closets, rearrange things, or read mail, unless, of course, you ask for it yourself.
After the birth of a child, a new grandmother very often practically moves into the house. She constantly comes up with advice on how to properly care for the baby. However, family rules state that boundaries must be set. For example, let the grandmother visit her grandchildren on certain days. You can ask her to do specific things: walk with the baby, stroke diapers, and so on. This way grandma will be busy and there will be less unnecessary advice.
Respect and patience for parents
It is necessary to set boundaries, but you must not forget about respect for the people who raised you and your other half. It is unacceptable to discuss the shortcomings of your parents with your spouse. It is better to focus on their good qualities. Surely the second mother cooks delicious cabbage soup, and dad is very economical. You need to demarcate the territory and talk with your spouse if the parents become too annoying and begin to interfere with family life.
Don't forget to communicate
Perhaps many will agree that the most important thing in a family is respect and... love. It mostly manifests itself in relationships and communication. Therefore, there is no need to get bogged down in routine affairs and forget about each other. Try to find time to at least talk. It's very simple - just turn off the TV or look away from the computer monitor. It would be great if there was an opportunity to go somewhere with your spouse: go to the movies or just take a walk in the park. Organize romantic evenings for each other from time to time.
Set of moral rules in the family
Every family should have a clear list of rules that will be known to each member. Moreover, they should apply not only to parents, but also to children, so that they grow up well-mannered and decent. If certain conditions are not met, a failure can be indicated. However, this must be done in a friendly and tactful manner. There should not be too many rules, otherwise the importance of the list will be lost. Also, there should be no contradictions in it, so that it is clear what should be done and what should not be done.
For example, you can introduce the following five family rules that must be strictly observed:
- love and respect each other;
- help and support in every possible way;
- do not criticize others;
- speak only the truth;
- to fulfill promises.
Of course, each family will have its own list of rules. It doesn’t have to be drawn up for the rest of your life. The list can and should be supplemented or changed depending on the circumstances.
In a family, as in any other community, certain conditions must be observed that will allow all household members to live together. Not a single unit of society can do without the approval of some kind of family code or set of “house rules” that allow all family members to understand how to behave. Family rules help strike a balance between getting what you want and respecting the needs of others. They can also help children and teenagers feel safe.
Family Rules: Basics
Rules can help your family members interact better and make family life more peaceful. Effective rules are positive statements about how one wants to care for and realize the potential of all household members.
When the rules are written clearly and unambiguously, they help:
- children and adolescents understand what is expected of them and where the boundaries of what is permitted are;
- adults be consistent in how they treat younger family members.
When developing family rules, it is important to involve all family members as much as possible in their discussion. Even three-year-old children can have their own opinions and suggestions. As the child grows up, he must participate even more actively in decision-making: what rules there may be, as well as the consequences of breaking them. Once they reach adolescence, such “lawmaking” will give children valuable experience in taking responsibility for their own behavior.
To create rules, you need to choose the most important things - for example, the rule about not physically hurting each other would be mandatory for most families. You can also develop the following rules: about safety, politeness, daily routine, correct manners. Each family will have different rules. The specifics for developing a family code will depend on your values, your specific situation, religious beliefs, and the age and needs of your child(ren).
Types of family rules
Family rules can be very different, but all good rules have something in common: they are specific and understandable.
"Yes" rules
Rules like these are a good teaching tool because they guide your child's behavior in a positive way. For example: “Talk politely to each other”, “Wear a seat belt in the car”, “You should eat at the table”, etc.
"No" rules
Of course, it is better to set positive rules, however, when it is difficult to explain what exactly needs to be done instead, rules with a negative particle “not” are also suitable. For example: “Don’t spit,” “Don’t beg for something in the store,” etc.
Basic Rules
These are rules that apply everywhere, no matter what. Some rules may apply to all family members, while others apply only to young children or teenagers. Rules about politeness or the prohibition of physical influence refer specifically to the basic rules.
Situational rules
For specific situations, you should also have a short set of rules. For example, for traveling in a car, going to visit, playing computer games.
A few clear and specific rules are likely to be more effective than a long list of a dozen or two pages. This is especially true for young children. As the child grows, the rules can “grow” with him. If your child consistently violates them, then you may need to focus on basic issues such as safety and fairness.
How to develop rules
Children and teenagers often enjoy participating in this type of legislative process. Taking part in a discussion about family rules will not necessarily stop younger members of the household from breaking them, but it will help them understand what rules are and why they are needed.
Some parents find it helpful to write down rules about how family members should behave. Writing down the rules makes them clear and can also prevent possible disputes. And pinning a list of rules on the refrigerator or other visible place can help younger children stay on top of them.
Children and rules
You can start developing rules when the child already understands the language. Young children need supervision and encouragement to follow rules. Preschoolers tend to forget, they are inconsistent in their behavior and are easily distracted. Some children with special needs may also need your help to understand and remember the rules.
All children are different, therefore, learning the rules for each of them is an individual process. However, by the age of ten, they can follow the rules in most situations without your instructions. Clear rules will help your child feel safe and give him a sense of consistency. This is especially important during adolescence, when many other things in his life undergo changes.
Teenagers and rules
The teenage years present a new challenge. At this stage, young people begin to explore their own strengths and may push for greater autonomy and independence. Sometimes this ends with a revision of family rules. The teenager may feel a discrepancy between the rules of his family and the expectations of his peers and will try to balance these two processes.
Family rules are just as important for a teenager as they are for a small child. And it's never too late to create or rewrite them. The young man's participation in creating a family code will help him understand that you respect his opinion. At this age, rules of safe behavior will be especially useful. For example, rules about alcohol, friends, gender relations and the so-called curfew.
Be prepared to discuss and adjust rules as your child gets older. This applies, in particular, to the expansion of the curfew.
Compliance with the rules
Rules are considered effective only when they are followed. If you have decided on a family code, you should also decide what sanctions will be applied to any family member if he breaks any rules. When a rule is broken, you can simply remind your child about it and give him another chance, especially for young children. But, in the end, it is much more effective to apply the sanctions against the violator that you agreed on.
From the age of three, if children have agreed in advance about possible sanctions, they are more likely to remain calm when it comes time to follow the rules. As children reach adolescence, agreeing on clear rules and consequences will help them develop self-discipline and independence.
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