The child is jealous of the younger one, advice from a psychologist. Why is the older child jealous of the younger one? What should parents do? Jealousy towards a younger child what to do

This problem is not far-fetched; it affects most families with children. What to do if this happens to you? Is it possible to prevent childhood jealousy and how to achieve this?

Sibling rivalry

Jealousy is an extremely destructive feeling, and childhood jealousy is doubly destructive.

Most often she appears in children who have not yet turned 5 years old. The baby is used to being the center of attention, he sincerely believes that he is the most important in the family, and therefore the appearance of a newborn, around whom the whole life of the parents immediately begins to revolve, painfully hits the first-born in the most vulnerable place. He no longer feels safe. The child develops fears.

By screaming and crying, as well as by deliberately bad behavior, he tries to protect his personal space and express his protest.

Manifestations of jealousy at the birth of the second and subsequent children in an older child can manifest themselves in the form of frequent whims, aggression directed at the newborn and at adults. The level of anxiety in the firstborn increases, and disturbances in appetite and sleep may be recorded. Some particularly impressionable children become withdrawn. Less often, older children “fall into childhood,” regress, begin to lisp and ask for a pacifier, rattle, or even begin to pee in their pants again.

How to reduce the risk of childhood jealousy?

• When planning a second child, listen to the wishes of your firstborn. It is optimal if he also wants to join the family and waits for a brother or sister with you. Children develop a conscious desire to take care of someone else by the age of 4-5 years. It is for this reason that experts do not advise having a second child before this period. The optimal age for full acceptance of the “little one” is considered to be 5-6 years old. However, even a sincere desire for a first child to have a brother or sister does not guarantee a complete absence of jealousy. It may develop unexpectedly.
• The first child must be involved in all matters related to the imminent birth of the baby. Let him participate on an equal basis in choosing children's things for a newborn, in buying a stroller, and assembling a crib. Waiting together with parents significantly reduces the likelihood of jealousy in a child.

• When the second child is born, there is no need to forbid the eldest to take him in his arms (strictly under your control!) and take care of the baby. An older child can provide quite significant assistance to the mother - giving diapers, diapers and powder, rocking the baby in a stroller. Don't underestimate the capabilities of your firstborn! But there is no need to abuse them either.
• Don't turn your older child into a babysitter for your younger one! Of course, the mother is tired and needs help, but it is stupid and selfish to force the child to give up his own interests and affairs in order to make life easier for the parents. Accept help from your firstborn only when he himself expresses a desire to provide it. Forcing an older person to keep an eye on the younger one is a sure way to cause childish jealousy.
• Always, every day, regardless of the weather, busyness, or health, find at least 1 hour to spend alone with your older child. This could be a walk, watching a movie, drawing or reading. The main thing is to do it together!

• In your family, as in the Russian judicial system, the “presumption of innocence” must be strictly observed. In other words, mom and dad need to be objective and fair to all children equally. Any imbalance or relaxation in favor of one and tightening of measures against the other will immediately cause an outbreak of childish jealousy, which will then be difficult to extinguish.
• Don’t rush to register your elder as an adult! We often say to our firstborn after the birth of our second child: “You’re an adult now! You are the eldest, and therefore you must...” Answer yourself honestly, with what joy is it, exactly, that yesterday’s little one suddenly became an adult so suddenly? And why did he suddenly owe something to someone? He remained the same, an ordinary child. Don't change your attitude towards him!

Typical situations are discussed in more detail in the next program, where experienced psychologist Natalia Kholodenko gives recommendations to parents.

Parents' reaction

No matter how much mom and dad prepare for possible manifestations of childhood jealousy, it usually takes adults by surprise. And they are not always able to respond adequately. First of all, it is important to remember that there is no need to be afraid of children's jealousy, since it is quite natural for children and is an important component of their inner self.

Boys are more susceptible to jealousy. Girls have a more developed instinct to take care of someone, they accept the youngest more quickly and demand attention and affection less aggressively. The boys are jealous selflessly, immersing themselves in this process. The risk of childhood jealousy between same-sex children is greatest.

Don't punish your older child, even if jealousy has taken him quite far– he offends the younger one, takes away his toys. Punishment in this situation will, of course, be well deserved, but only will complicate the situation.

Jealousy of an elder towards a younger should not be prohibited or ignored.

It is best to have a heart-to-heart talk with your firstborn, tell him what he feels, but cannot express in words himself: what emotions possess him, why it is difficult for him to accept the baby. Try to conclude some kind of agreement with the elder, according to which he will not harm the baby, and you undertake to pay more attention to the first child.

And remember that it is impossible to completely overcome childhood jealousy, but You can reduce it and reduce the number of its manifestations if you apply more love and care. And the child needs to learn to experience jealousy itself, and not hide it; the ability to be jealous correctly in a “civilized” way will later be useful to him in adult life.

You need to prepare your jealous little one for the arrival of your brother or sister in advance. The sooner your child learns about the upcoming addition to the family, the better he will be able to adapt.

• You cannot force an older child to “love” the baby. Every feeling has its time. Brotherly love will definitely come, but it’s not a fact that right now, and certainly not at the request of the parents.
• In no case You can't compare children with each other! They are different. Accept this as a fait accompli and never emphasize the merits of one child as a reproach to the second.
• Tell your first-born more often that his mother loves him very much, and with the birth of the second child, nothing in this love changed.
• Take the principle "eight hugs" To feel loved and needed, a child needs at least 8 hugs throughout the day.
• The most dangerous childhood jealousy is hidden. Outwardly, you may not notice its manifestations, but the tension that will accumulate inside the child can cause diseases that are quite tangible on the physical level.

• Encourage toy sharing between children if their age difference is small. Teach them to share. If siblings stubbornly fight for the right to own a particular toy, announce that all the toys in the house are now “Mom’s.” And give them to children at your own discretion.
• Emphasize more often that the baby loves his older brother (sister) very much. Draw the attention of the first-born to the adoring look with which the baby looks at him. You definitely won’t have to exaggerate or deceive, because all kids really idolize their older brothers and sisters.
• If the child begins to regress and demands to give him the breast, like a younger one, to take him in your arms, if he begins to “encroach” on the baby’s rattles, offer him a pacifier, wrap him in a diaper, and forbid him to eat apples and cakes, because “little ones can’t do this.” The elder will quickly understand that being a baby is extremely unprofitable and will “return to his age” back.
• There is no need to give the older child’s things to the younger one if the “big one” is against it. It is better to buy a new crib or stroller than to take it away from an older child. After all, it will be painful and very offensive for him. You can inherit things only with the consent of the eldest child.

• Learn to divide everything, absolutely everything, equally between your children. This applies to both sweets and your attention. If you kissed one baby, immediately kiss the second one. If you pick one up, hug or sit the other one on your lap.
• Don’t give your second little one affectionate nicknames and names, which you called your older child in infancy. There can only be one “Karasik”, “Puhlik” or “Teddy Bear” in a family. The older child is not ready to give the baby his middle name. Choose a new affectionate nickname for your second child. My three-year-old son was quite jealous of his newborn brother. It was possible to reconcile them, including with the help of affectionate names. The first one we always had was “Pie with Cabbage”. We nicknamed the second one “Pie with Jam.” This seemed to equalize the kids, and at the same time, everyone feels their own individuality.
• No matter how similar brothers and sisters may be, remember that they are still different. That’s why they need different sections and circles. If each child does something of his own, for which he has ability and interest, then rivalry between children can be minimized.
• Not often, but the opposite jealousy also happens - the youngest child begins to be jealous of the mother of the eldest. It is much easier to smooth out such jealousy, because most children still perceive older brothers and sisters as another parent.

From the following video you will receive some more valuable tips for finding a compromise between children.

Correcting the behavior of “jealous” people

Help the jealous person You can cope with surging feelings with the help of fairy tale therapy. It will be easier and clearer for the child if you explain to him the essence of what is happening using the example of your favorite fairy-tale characters.

If jealousy begins in the first days after discharge from the hospital, the father can provide significant help. He is able to help cope with the newborn, and the mother will get additional time to be alone with her firstborn. But “putting off” the elder on grandparents is a harmful practice. Sent into the care of an older generation, your first child will feel even more unhappy, abandoned and deprived.

Role-playing games, in which the child will be asked to take care of someone weaker and try on the role of a teacher, will also help to reduce the manifestations of children's jealousy.

For example, the well-known “mothers and daughters”. My jealous and mischievous three-year-old enjoyed playing “clinic” and treating his plush company. And then I invited him to play doctor with his little brother, and allowed him to smear baby cream on his hands or sprinkle powder on his butt.

Art therapy is very helpful in correcting jealous behavior. Invite your elder to draw what he and his little brother (or sister) will be like in the future. Give free rein to your imagination and help your child write a fairy tale about these drawn characters. Emphasize that what helped them overcome difficulties and troubles was that the brothers were always together and helped each other out. Whenever you see a positive example of a brother-sister relationship, show these examples to your older child. He must develop a stable understanding that the youngest child is not only a consumer of his mother’s time and attention, but also an excellent company for him in the future and his best, closest friend for life.

The following video discusses common mistakes that parents make when a second child appears in the family.

Most often, in conflicts between children, when kids grow up to be almost enemies, parents are to blame. See the next video for more details.

The behavior of jealousy is characteristic of a child from the first years of life: “I want to have my own and I will beat those who take it away from me.” But the adult behavior of jealousy with characteristic phrases, intonations and faces, especially the experience of jealousy, is not innate or natural, it is already the result of social learning.

In the video, where a girl is already jealous of a boy in kindergarten, the girl is still playing a role, trying on the adult role of a jealous person. She doesn’t yet have a real experience of jealousy - it’s early, but soon everything will appear: if she plays this role often and well, then experiences will soon appear. That is, in this case, it is not experiences that cause the behavior of jealousy, but the role of jealousy in the case of a good game begins to cause experiences of jealousy.

Examples from life

Jealous of father

For quite some time now, the child has been reacting strangely to my husband and I’s tenderness (hugs, etc.). He immediately begins to whine, wedges himself between us, and if you try to move him away, it turns into a roar. What is this? Manipulation? Rejection of dad as a contender for mom's attention? What to do?

Jealous of mother

The problem is not with us, with our friends. A 2-year-old girl has been beating her relatives, incl. and mom, while saying “go away.” Mom left and kicked the girl out of the room, but it didn’t help. Dad turned a blind eye to this; she didn’t hit him. For the time being, because... Now he’s hitting him too. What can be done?

Jealous of brother

My eldest boy turned 3 years old, and six months ago another boy was born... The “eldest” was not very happy about this... He was not ready to share his mother’s and father’s love with someone. Jealousy manifested itself almost immediately, although now, after six months, much less... My husband and I are trying our best to pay more attention to the “Elder”, but he is still offended, even if we just take the little one in our arms...

Solution

Hug and kiss

Our daughter also often spies on us kissing/hugging. Especially if we are lying down at this time - he climbs under my father’s arm and looks into my face questioningly. In this case, I smile at her and together with my dad we hug and kiss her)

Don't make a problem out of nothing

With the birth of the baby, the eldest for some time painfully perceives the “invasion” of his territory. His well-known role is that of a sufferer: every now and then he asks who is loved more, asks to kiss him as many times as a crying baby, carefully counting and “weighing” all the portions of affection. Monitors the observance of rights and equality in the family. Do not force him to help the baby - the time for their friendship will come on its own. Do not count on older children to raise younger ones - after all, this is your child, not theirs... Voluntary care for a toddler should be enjoyed and become a reason for pride.

For you, both children remain, first of all, children - neither big nor small. Don’t say out loud that your daughter is “ALREADY big, she can do everything on her own.” In fact, she is “STILL little, she’s only 4 years old!” - this is exactly what you would say to your friends if the eldest child remained, as before, the only one. You still need each other. At the same time, both of them are your favorite children, albeit with DIFFERENT qualities. Problems are often invented out of nowhere: do we love the baby more than we once loved our firstborn or not? Forget about comparisons! Live here and now. Children cannot be loved equally - they are different people, because it is futile to compare the moon and the sun, day and night.

Perhaps the older one will want to spend a little time in the place of the younger one, just as helpless: he will ask you for milk, to give you a stroller ride... Then he admits that this role is not beneficial for him - the younger one still has to grow and grow to the age of his capabilities (and, by the way, will never catch up!). Of course, at first there is a lot of fuss and disorganization, but over time an optimal regime, an individual lifestyle, will be developed.

To each according to his needs

How to deal with jealousy? Firstly, stop programming yourself for jealousy and other problems. If you believe that “3 years is the most unfortunate difference, especially for boys” (especially since, according to my observations, jealousy between girls is usually much stronger) - you will unconsciously record the slightest confirmation of this very jealousy, pay attention to it, etc. P. It turns out that children will have an incentive to show this jealousy in order to attract their mother’s attention...

Secondly, what is jealousy? This is INSUFFICIENT satisfaction of a need in another person. Therefore, first you need to try to determine what exactly the NEED for you is for each of their children. Agree that all children are different, therefore, their needs will also be different. And parents often strive to love their children equally, which stimulates jealousy.

Example: let’s say one child loves halva, and for him the need to receive only this same halva from his parents. And the other one loves marshmallows, and for him it will be happiness to receive only marshmallows. But parents strive to love their children equally, and give each one 1 halva and 1 marshmallow. But the first child would dream of having ONLY halva. And he feels deprived, moreover, because of another child (he got the second half!), similarly with the second child.

But if parents took into account the NEEDS of each child, there would be no offense, everyone would get what they dreamed of... That is. It is not important for a child to receive EQUALITY of attention from his parents; it is important for him that he receives the EXACT amount of attention he needs.

Jealousy of mother's men

I have a 10 year old boy. We live together (no husband). Not a single man can come close to me, a terrible attack of jealousy begins, almost hysterically. What to do in such a situation? Please tell me.

I suggest: see the articles What to do if a child is against a new relationship, Introducing a daughter to a new dad, How to competently tell an adult son that I am getting married. Important article - All the best is for adults, but regarding hysterics -

Hello, dear readers! While awaiting the arrival of my second baby, I dug through a mountain of books about childhood jealousy and sibling relationships. I listened to webinars, talked to other mothers, read articles... Before, I was very theoretically savvy. I was sure that this would not happen to us. After all, I know that I need to pay a lot of attention to my eldest daughter! I know that I have to come home from the maternity hospital with a gift. That you can’t actively admire the baby and the like... But now I understand that children’s jealousy at the birth of a second child is in many cases inevitable. In this article I will tell you what helped me completely neutralize this unpleasant moment.

How was it for us?

At the moment, our daughter is 2 years and 10 months old, and our son is 9.5 months old. Now I can confidently say that there is no jealousy in our family. But it was. True, only two weeks...

Every mother understands that with the arrival of a brother, it will be very difficult for the eldest child. For obvious reasons. He will have to go through some stress. You will have to get used to a new family member and new conditions. The Internet is full of advice like “spend more time with your older child,” “the interests of the older child should be taken into account first,” and so on. But even if you do everything right, there is a high probability that your child will still become jealous of the younger one. After all, there is no way you can live the same way as before and pretend that nothing has changed. Of course, unless the newborn sleeps 24 hours a day.

Here we are. Despite the active help of my husband, I had to constantly feed the baby and carry him in my arms. At the same time, I played with my daughter a lot, a lot, and gave the newborn to dad at every opportunity. In the first month, it is still easy to combine activities with both children. The baby can still be held in one arm and is ready to nurse for a long time. In most cases, you can somehow adapt and play with the older one while the second child is in your arms.

So, despite all my efforts, a little jealousy was still present. My daughter took away her brother’s pacifier, clothes, diapers... She was more capricious and excited. Parents do not need to be afraid of small problems at the initial stage. Most often, they pass quite quickly. You just need to be patient and do your best.

After two weeks, the eldest child began to feel calmer about the new little one. And a month later the conflicts stopped altogether. Some kind of love and affection came only six months later, but the main thing was the absence of jealousy. All this required from me sensitivity and the ability to translate theory into practice... All children have different temperaments, and my advice cannot suit absolutely everyone. But perhaps this will help you quickly establish relationships between brothers or sisters.

The first months with two children

Of course, it’s the most difficult one. It has its advantages: a newborn does not claim any toys, sleeps a lot (even if on the chest), and does not need to be actively monitored. And there are downsides. The most important of which is that the eldest child is not yet used to sharing his mother and brother. What to do? For successful adaptation, do not forget the following rules:

1. Work with your older baby not just a lot, but a lot. More than usual. Of course, this is not always possible. You also need to somehow catch your breath and recover after childbirth. You yourself should come first (a tired, irritated mother will do no good to anyone), and the eldest child should come second. Everything else is on the third. And housekeeping is in the twentieth.
2. Let the older baby “play” with your wonderful “toy” - a newborn. Teach him to gently touch the newborn. Try to translate everything into a game and do everything together. Change diaper, dress, bathe. Some mothers recommend giving their eldest daughter a large doll. And let everyone rock their own doll. You can try, of course. But this didn’t work for us. No doll can compare with a living child. The main principle is that when dealing with a small child, concentrate on the older child. Do everything through the elder. When you change your diaper, have a conversation with your elder. Show him everything, explain it. The majority of your energy should be focused on your first baby.
3. Even if your first child is not yet two years old, avoid enthusiastically discussing your birth and everything related to the newborn in front of him. And don’t show your delight at the sight of these little arms and legs at all. Yes it is hard. But all the affection and enthusiastic kisses are appropriate only when the elder is already asleep. After a few months, you will be able to become more free with your feelings. And then, with an eye on the reaction of the elder. And at first, try to be as restrained as possible.
4. When you can’t be restrained, compensate for the delight of your newborn with the delight of your first child. Are you touched by your first smile? Immediately and sincerely praise your big baby. Hug, caress. So that he can see that they haven’t forgotten about him.
5. Try not to compare children. Especially out loud. Modern psychology tirelessly repeats this. Children will differ from each other, but it is better to draw parallels less often. “Sasha turned over at 3 months, and Vanya only at 4 months” - we are all guilty of such comparisons, but let the kids hear them as little as possible.
6. It is advisable to eliminate many possibilities for rivalry. At first, you should not put the baby in your older brother’s crib or stroller. Then - yes, you can smoothly come to this (and even then, not always).

General things

When the baby grows a little, he begins to encroach on all the nearest toys. Starts to break “towers” ​​of cubes built by someone else. He begins to tear up the drawings. And books, if mom didn’t have time to put them somewhere higher. How to avoid jealousy?

How to react to attacks of jealousy?

And so your elder begins to behave somewhat aggressively, to be capricious, to intensely demand attention... Often children ask their mother to get rid of the newborn, and they become very harmful and greedy. Our daughter demanded to “put Lala back in her belly.” There is nothing to worry about here, the main thing is to respond to such behavior in a timely manner. There is no need to fight jealousy. It needs to be neutralized gently. Find time and energy for your older child. Play with him even more. Hug him even more. Give even more praise. Yes, it's not easy. But you have to try.

Useful video on how to cope with irritation with your first child from a psychologist:

And the last important piece of advice: at every opportunity, show your elder how much your brother loves him. You can “stroke” it with the hands of a younger toddler. Hug. And emphasize: “Do you see how happy he is with you? Look how he looks at you! See how much he loves you! And this is him talking to you. He wants to hug you so bad! It’s a pity that he can’t do it yet.” It's not that difficult. Usually babies are really delighted with their big brothers and sisters...

Did your children have jealousy? How did you cope? Share in the comments!

Subscribe to blog updates. And tell your friends about this article! I wish you a peaceful and happy motherhood. See you again!

“You look at Barsik too kindly. As if he is your beloved daughter, and not me” - children are jealous so funny and naively that we, adults, do not take it seriously. However, childhood experience of jealousy is very important! It depends on him how a person learns to manage this feeling in the future and what he will receive from it: benefit for his own development or sheer torment.

May 18, 2015· Text: Svetlana Ievleva· Photo: GettyImages

The topic of childhood jealousy is considered relevant when it comes to relationships between brothers and sisters. Here it is obvious, clear, manifests itself dramatically and lasts a long time. It affects parents emotionally, so it’s simply impossible to ignore it. Other cases of jealousy are not so noticeable, but there are still many of them. Children are jealous of mom and dad and vice versa. They are both jealous of their work and friends. The grandmother is jealous of her other grandchildren, neighbors and the grandchildren of these neighbors. They get jealous when a friend in the sandbox moves to another team of builders and when the teacher says too often: “Oh, what a great fellow Petya! You should all follow his example." Children are generally jealous. In general, even more jealous than adults - simply due to age-related self-centeredness. They feel like they are part of any relationship of close people around them (“If grandma praises someone else’s child, it means she doesn’t like me,” “if mom comes home late from work, it means she’s better off there than with me”), but they don’t yet know how to treat the situation at the level of logic. Parents who do not pay attention to such “nonsense”, believing that everything will go away on its own with age, are making a big mistake. Their children become very jealous adults, suffer from their feelings themselves and do not give peace to others.

Vital feeling

Jealousy is a negative emotion, but in reality it is simply necessary. Its original function is self-preservation. Weak and vulnerable creatures must feel the loss of attention to themselves and return it in order to ensure their survival. This is why manifestations of jealousy can be observed at a very early age: if a mother starts talking on the phone while breastfeeding, the baby already begins to get nervous. Dissatisfaction is even greater if someone from the family enters the room. Some children even refuse to eat and cry, wanting their mother to stop all extraneous activities. As they grow up a little, they begin to make sure that mom and dad are not too “carried away” in communicating with each other, they can stop attempts at hugs, kisses, and sometimes they don’t even allow them to hold hands, invariably standing between their parents. “I’m here - take care of me. Because I am small, weak, and in need of constant care. You never know what can happen while you’re looking at each other here” – this is roughly the message of the jealous behavior of young children. Of course, as we get older, everyone understands perfectly well: nothing bad will happen if the attention of a loved one is lost for some time. Neither mom nor dad will forget about their parental responsibilities, even if they are currently busy working or hanging out with friends. But jealousy still remains - to a greater or lesser extent - and persists for life. Why is it needed by independent adults who do not need care at all? To maintain your position, to provide social confidence. When we experience jealousy, we understand that something is wrong in our communication, we strive to figure it out and fix everything.

“I myself am very jealous, and my son is the same. “That’s it, Maxim is no longer my friend: today he played cars with Misha, but they didn’t invite me. I won’t talk to him tomorrow.” I feel offended when I hear this from him. But I already know that just jealousy in itself does not give anything. “Come up with a new game and invite them to play together tomorrow, then everyone will be interested.” The next day the child was simply happy: “Mom, we played together all day!” “You see,” I told him, “and you were going to be offended all day.” Galina, Leva's mother

A child’s behavior in a state of jealousy can be very different - depending on his character, family relationships, and situation. Some children do not do anything specific, but begin to behave fussily: they walk around, rearrange objects, open and close doors, and begin to look for some toys. “I don’t understand anything,” says my mother, “he was just quietly working on a constructor, so I decided to call you. Well, okay, we’ll talk another time - I’ll go see what he’s rustling about.” The mother enters the room, and a minute later the child sits down again and works with the construction set. In this case, the feeling of jealousy was not very pronounced - just at the level of anxiety. In this state, a person (both an adult and a child) simply looks and listens, and does not strive to attract full attention.

“The three of us often go to doctor’s appointments with little Masha – the eldest child is also at home. As soon as I start talking about Masha—how she sleeps, what she eats, how she holds her head—Pavlik immediately interrupts. One day I took him an album and pencils so that he wouldn’t interfere with the conversation. For exactly a minute he sat quietly and drew, and then he shouted: “Mom, look, I drew how I pee in the flowerbed!” The doctor laughed, but I was terribly ashamed. I had to justify myself and explain that it was a joke. Surely everyone thought that the child did not know how to behave.” Elena, mother of Pavel and Masha

Sometimes a significant component of jealousy is resentment, and in this case the child withdraws, becomes depressed, and sad. Five-year-old Ksenia was very happy when a neighbor’s girl began to come to their house: her grandmother agreed to look after her sometimes. However, after a week these visits began to bring more problems than joy. The girl didn’t play with Ksyusha, but she had a lot of fun with her grandmother: she learned her grandmother’s songs in French from dictation, and played the piano with her two hands. “A wonderful child, one can envy her parents. Really, Ksyusha? - Grandma said one evening. But Ksyusha didn’t hear: she had already been sitting in the closet for an hour, braiding scarves and imagining how upset her grandmother would be when she discovered that her own granddaughter was not in the house. How she will regret that she wasted time on someone else’s child, while her own was suffering so much. How he will repent, and how he will cry, and how he will look for his beloved granddaughter until the night. The grandmother found Ksyusha quickly (the closet had been a favorite place for offended children since her own childhood), but she still realized her mistake. She told Ksyusha that she loved her more than anyone in the world and that no one, even the most talented girls, could replace her.

When jealousy is a strong feeling that a child cannot cope with on his own, he strives to do something unusual, something that will definitely attract attention (deliberately scattering toys, getting into the dirt, hitting his sister). Because even punishment for wrongdoing is better than indifference!

Learning to be jealous

Parents definitely need to learn to “see” jealousy, understand it from the child’s behavior and find the reason. But then this reason must be - no, not eradicated, but preserved! If we exclude all situations of jealousy, then in the future it will only be harder for the child, because he will still have to face it in life.

“I am the only and long-awaited child in the family. To the question “What is your daughter’s name?” my parents didn’t just say my name, but always added: “Because she is our best gift.” The attitude was exactly that - as if it were a jewel. But I realized this only at the age of six, and before that I had nothing to compare with. I heard only compliments and praise, did only what I liked. My preschool education was at home, and before school they began to take me to a pre-school group. I was shocked... by everything! From the fact that the teacher praises other children, from the fact that they make comments to me, from the fact that the boy with whom I sat for the first week asked the teacher to move him (he said that I was fat and took up a lot of space). I cried all day and decided not to go anywhere else. Thanks to the teacher - she understood what the problem was and helped me get used to the team. To be honest, even now, at thirty, I get very worried if I don’t feel attention. On the one hand, this forces me to constantly improve, achieve something, and also work on my character, on the other hand, I continue to suffer from jealousy. I will try very hard so that my daughter has the right perception of life. You can’t think that the world revolves only around you.” Darina, Anya's mother

The situation of a child showing jealousy should be treated calmly. However, it is worth keeping in mind the emotionality of children and the fact that their self-esteem before school age depends almost entirely on adults. That is, the child really feels bad when he hears close people admiring someone else. What to do? Immediately say something good about himself, in the form of a positive comparison, your expectations associated with him (“Olya, when she grows up, will also study well - she is still very inquisitive”). Sometimes, if you see that a child is having difficulty coping with feelings, you need to talk, kindly and frankly. “I know, it seems to you that we love our brother more. In fact, he is simply very small and cannot live without us at all. When you were like that, we spent even more time with you.” But the main thing is to show warm feelings more often, both with reason (praising for successes, for the ability to behave well) and without it (stroking, touching, calling by affectionate names, expressing delight, giving compliments).

Many parents with two children of different ages have sooner or later encountered severe childhood jealousy. And almost all mothers and fathers do not know what to do in such a situation. We will answer: do not ignore it under any circumstances. Try to understand the reasons for jealousy and act gently but persistently.

The family has a youngest child

The first attacks of jealousy usually occur when the older child, after the birth of the younger one, begins to feel less loved: it happens that the older child tries to harm the little brother or sister in some way, and the parents are even afraid to leave him alone with the baby.

To avoid this, psychologists usually advise preparing the older child for the arrival of the younger one in advance, especially if he has not yet asked for a brother or sister. Psychologists advise telling the older child as often as possible that his parents will love him and his future brother or sister equally strongly. In addition, you should talk about the positive aspects of your eldest child’s new status: that with the birth of the baby, the eldest will have a new friend who will always be with him, and with whom he will have fun and not be lonely. Tell your child that a younger brother or sister is a real gift from life.

In addition, the child needs to form an idea of ​​how babies look and behave, so that he does not think that he will suddenly have a smiling friend of the same age, and not a screaming baby.

Be sure to call your older and younger child different diminutives and nicknames. Do not give or give toys and things of an older person to a younger one without permission, especially those things that he is used to. When punishing older children for being naughty, create the same work for them so that none of them gets the impression that because someone has an easier job, that person is their parents’ favorite. If you have a younger child in bed with you, invite the older one too. Tell both children how much you love them and that they both contain your soul and the meaning of life. Don’t set your other child as an example to your child: if you want to set someone as an example, then let it be other people’s children. If you praise the first child for successes and strengths that the second does not have, be sure to praise the strengths and successes of the second child. Tell your children that everyone is strong at some things and not so strong at others, and that this is completely normal.

After the birth of the youngest child, ask guests to first chat with the older one and bring a gift for him, and then go see the baby.

It is very important not to leave the baby alone with the older child at first - even if the older child loves him very much and does not express anything out loud that looks like jealousy. The child may simply be trying to feed the baby adult food or trying to get him out of the crib out of good intentions. Do not show your child that you were scared when you saw his desire to take the baby in his arms: thank him for his impulse, for his love for his younger brother. This is important so that the child does not think that you do not trust him with his younger brother or sister. Invite him to help you with something else: for example, bring your brother's socks or open a package of diapers. With an older child (and later with two), read fairy tales where there are brothers and sisters, watch films.

If the younger child bursts into tears or tears up the older child’s drawing, gently tell the baby in the presence of the older child: “You’re crying and don’t let our Vanechka do his homework,” “You can’t tear Vanechka’s drawings.” Turn on a home video where you can see that your older child in infancy also constantly cried, lay in his arms, and so on, so that the older one is sure that he received the same things in his infancy.

If you feel guilty because you think you are paying more attention to one of your children, this is normal - all good parents feel guilty and, most likely, your feelings are exaggerated. All it takes is your love, patience, and thoughtfulness to make each child feel loved.

What NOT to say to an older child

1. Don't turn your child into a responsible adult. With phrases like: “You are an adult now, you must, must now behave like an adult, be quieter, not disturb,” thus, you are depriving your baby of childhood;

“We can’t buy you this toy because you now have a little brother, and mom and dad don’t have money for such expensive toys,” don’t let the child conclude that some of his wishes are not fulfilled, that he is in what -limited due to the fact that he has a little brother.

2. Give the older child his personal space, this way you will once again show that with the appearance of a baby in your life you are not infringing on him in any way. Therefore, the following phrases are unacceptable: “Well, give him your toy, he’s small” or: “You should give your crib to your little brother,” especially if the older one is barely three years old, when violation of personal space is very acutely perceived.

“Well, even if he breaks your tower made of cubes, is it difficult for you to build a new one?”

3. Never compare your older child with your younger one. By telling him: “Your little brother always eats what is given to him, but you need to beg” or: “Even a small child does not behave like you,” you seem to emphasize that the youngest child has priority in the family compared to senior

“Don’t be selfish, be quiet, he’s sleeping!” - the child may try after a while to deliberately start making noise after such a phrase.

You need to show the older child that you treat him and the younger one the same, and such phrases can greatly change his attitude towards the newborn and arouse jealousy.

What SHOULD you say to your older child?

1. Explain to the older child that the increased attention to his younger brother or sister is due solely to his helplessness, and not to the fact that he is more loved. “Look how little your sister is. You, too, were so little, and dad and I also rocked you in our arms, and you also cried at night. All the little ones cry at night.” Phrases like this are needed so that your older child understands that he, too, was at that age and was looked after just as well as the younger one.

2. Gently encourage your child to take care of his little brother or sister so that he feels like an important member of the family: “Look, your little brother is sleeping. This means we won’t make any noise in the room, but will play together in the kitchen. Dad and I don’t run around the room and scream when you’re sleeping.”

“Do you want to let your sister play with this bear? The bear is bored because he sits on a shelf and no one plays with him. And Masha will play and give it back”: offer to give up the toy, but don’t insist and certainly don’t demand if the child doesn’t want to give up his things. Don’t forget to let your older child play with your younger child’s toys.

Emphasize the love of the younger one for the older one: “Look how your brother loves you, he smiles at you,” “He waved his hand at you,” “Look, he even crawls after you, not me.”

“He didn’t break your turret on purpose. He is still small and does not understand that he did something wrong, and he himself does not yet know how to make such beautiful turrets as yours. Let us build a new one."

“Would you like to play with me and dad while grandma takes a walk with Masha?”

“It’s so great that you wanted to feed your little sister! But it’s too early for her to eat cutlets and potatoes. For now she only eats milk from her mother’s breast.”

Signs of jealousy in an older child and feelings of loneliness

1. Or vice versa, he is too active. It’s not so bad if the child directly told you: “You love me less than him!” - in this case, you can immediately calmly talk to him and explain that when he was little, you also took care of him, that you love both children and are upset because you have to hear such words.

2. He tries to attract your attention to himself in different ways - he not only strives to be obedient and show good results in classes or studies, but, on the contrary, he refuses to obey, hooligans, and does something to spite you.

3. He often asks to be in the stroller with the younger one, asks to rock him in his arms like a younger one, or to breastfeed him, to give him a pacifier or a potty. In this case, just give him what he asks for - the child will try and understand that he no longer needs it and will calm down.

4. He tries to harm the younger one, especially when you ask him not to.

Of course, at first it is difficult to follow all these recommendations and maintain friendly relations between children in the family, while not forgetting to pay attention to your husband. But then, when the youngest child grows up, the friendship of your children to each other and to you will be the best reward for your efforts and your pride in life.

Olga Ananyeva