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Jealousy of the youngest child. What is childhood jealousy and how to deal with it? Patience and affection are the “cure” for childhood jealousy

After the birth of a brother or sister, has the eldest child changed beyond recognition? Can't find your way to it? It's all about childhood jealousy, which needs to be dealt with before war breaks out in the family!

Jealousy is a negative phenomenon that affects not only adults, but also children. At the same time, most often children are jealous of their parents who brought another child from the maternity hospital.

As they watch a flurry of activity develop around the new family member, they begin to feel own uselessness and gradually fill up negative emotions in relation to brothers or sisters.

Where does rivalry come from?

It is important to understand that childhood jealousy is, first of all, a serious struggle for the attention of mom and dad. The older child perceives the younger one as a competitor and tries to “deal” with him in all available ways.

Fear of losing parental love and worries pushes him towards aggression, disobedience, as well as attempts to cause pain and inconvenience to the baby.

Moreover, not wanting to share the family’s attention with a newborn “interference,” the older offspring can feign illness or actually become ill, seriously and for a long time.

Signs of jealousy of an older child towards a younger one

Jealousy of an older child towards a younger one can be recognized by the following symptoms:

Copying infant behavior. Completely unexpected for adults, the child begins to behave like a baby, refuses to dress himself, go to the potty, and even tries to cling to mother's breast. This behavior is dictated by the erroneous conclusion that weak and helpless children are loved much more.
Being withdrawn or overly active. The body of a child experiencing the pangs of jealousy is subjected to severe stress. Hence the mood swings, tearfulness, increased excitability, as well as all the other “charms” of an affective disorder.
A pronounced rebellious attitude. In an effort to attract the attention of his father and mother to his person, the child rushes to “all bad things.” Previously so well-mannered and quiet child begins to behave like a hooligan, refuses to obey, does not recognize anyone’s authority, goes against everyone and everything.

What to do

To begin with, parents should understand that the baby is not to blame for anything. Due to his age, he still does not know how to cope with emotions and cannot take control of them.

Most the best option– be patient and tirelessly prove to your elder that he is loved no less younger brother or sisters.

How to avoid

If you want to prevent the occurrence of childhood jealousy, you need to listen to the following advice:

A lot of attention in the absence of mom. Anticipating imminent birth Care should be taken to ensure that the child does not feel abandoned while the person closest to him is in the maternity hospital. If possible, it is better to invite a grandmother to visit for a while, who will support her grandson and help him endure a short separation more easily.
Don’t forget about the gentle “hugs”. Returning from the maternity hospital, it is important first of all to hug your first-born tightly, thereby showing him how much his mother missed him. Unfortunately, many women, captured by new emotions, forget to fulfill this sacred ritual, thereby traumatizing the child and giving rise to the first signs of jealousy.
Cooking a pleasant surprise . To ensure that the first meeting of the children is as successful as possible, it would not be a bad idea to purchase a gift for the older offspring from the younger one in advance. It is best to buy something large and immediately noticeable. As practice shows, such a trick often helps to reconcile a potential jealous person with a new family member.
We don’t resist the desire to help. In the first months, the eldest son or daughter should not be left alone with the baby. However, if the child shows a strong desire to take care of the little one, it is quite possible to meet him halfway and let him play with him a little. The main thing is to stay close at all times and gently stop any attempts to hurt the newborn, try to feed or change him.
Find a few minutes for exclusive communication. Even the most violent protests against the presence of a new little person in the house will be eliminated if the older child is given some time for personal communication with mom and dad. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to spend your leisure time on useful developmental activities; sometimes it is enough to look at a book or have a fight with sofa pillows.
We don’t take away our firstborn’s childhood. Some parents who have decided to have a second child have the habit of reminding the eldest that he has already grown up and simply does not have the right to behave like a little one. Without exaggeration, we can say that this is an erroneous position, as a result of which the child often begins to feel disadvantaged.

immersed in caring for a newborn, do not forget about the older child, because for children the worst punishment is to face maternal indifference;
actively involve your firstborn in your baby care activities, this will give him a sense of self-importance and will help maintain balance in the family;
noticing that the child is taking initiative (bringing a diaper without a reminder, turning on the water right moment, finds a lost pacifier), be sure to praise him loudly;
do not scold the older child if he is annoyed or indignant by the behavior of the younger one, just recognize that he has the right to various emotions, including negative ones;
take the side of the first-born if you see that he is right, and the brother or sister is simply trying to take advantage of the fact that they are small and with the help of this achieve the desired goal;
never compare your children, giving preference to one, they may be completely different, but should receive the same amount of love and recognition.

Prevention of childhood jealousy

You can avoid childhood jealousy if you prepare your first-born for the birth of your baby during pregnancy. To do this you need:

Go to visit large couples. Having seen how other children play together amicably, the child will undoubtedly want him to have merry brothers and naughty sisters. Moreover, unlike friends from the playground, they will be nearby day and night.
Calling a spade a spade. When you become pregnant, you don’t need to say that “a watermelon is growing in your tummy.” It is better, without resorting to such excuses, to immediately say that you are expecting a baby. At the same time, you should not show your emotions too violently; it is enough to maintain a joyful but calm tone.
Don't ask stupid questions. When slyly asking: “Do you want a brother or sister?”, parents are not always prepared for the child to answer negatively. If you don’t want to give him the feeling that his opinion is not listened to at all, think carefully before becoming interested in such things.
Innovate early. When planning to move your eldest from a crib to a teenager's (or from the parents' bedroom to separate room), do this long before going to the maternity hospital. Otherwise, the child will perceive his “moving” as an expulsion and will blame the newborn for it.
Help bring father and son or daughter closer together. Since in the near future the mother will have to leave home, leaving the child in the care of the head of the family, it will not be superfluous to make sure that they get along well. Creation close connection can promote joint games, morning routine(washing, exercises), as well as a bedtime story.
Talk about your last pregnancy. The child will probably be interested to know how the house prepared for his birth. Calling on all your eloquence to help, you can tell your beloved child that you were really looking forward to it, bought the necessary things, rejoiced when he was born, and now you are incredibly glad that he will be able to celebrate the birth of another family member with you.

The jealousy of an older child is not only a negative phenomenon that must be overcome in order for peace and happiness to reign in the family, but also a source of uncontrollable feelings of guilt.

Mothers, forced to devote most of their time to their newborn children, often feel that their firstborns are terribly deprived. At the same time, they completely lose sight of the fact that older children are the only ones whom their mothers loved, albeit a little, but still longer.

It is a mistake to believe that a child is deprived; it is correct to rejoice that another one has suddenly appeared in his life. close person! And this is great happiness!

Video: Jealousy of elders towards younger ones

The birth of the second baby - a big joy for parents and considerable stress for the older child. Often he begins to be capricious, stubborn, and demanding of himself. increased attention. And the firstborn can be understood, because now he has to share parental care with his brother or sister. How to prevent childhood jealousy or, according to at least, smooth out its manifestation in relation to younger children?

Signs of childhood jealousy

Psychologists are sure that the eldest child experiences a kind of “dethronement” when another baby appears in the family. And indeed, now it is necessary to share toys, your own " living space“and, most importantly, mother’s love.

Sometimes jealousy youngest child It’s obvious – the older children take away the dolls and cars and say that they don’t like the new family member. But often the little cunning ones do not show much hostility towards the baby, and only attentive parents will be able to notice signs of jealousy in the behavior of the first-born.

Due to strong experiences, particularly sensitive children may develop nervous reactions such as stuttering and tics.
Difficulty falling asleep, restless sleep, waking up frequently throughout the night, fear of the dark, which is associated with a feeling of loneliness.
Frequent hysterics are alarming, especially if they have never happened before.
The baby refuses previously favorite activities: walking outside, reading fairy tales, watching cartoons, visiting kindergarten.
Two- to three-year-old children often experience regression of acquired skills and abilities - children start again and refuse to go to the potty.

Why are older children jealous of younger ones?

Before you understand how to smooth out the manifestation of childhood jealousy, you should determine the factors that contribute to the emergence of this feeling.

Too small or a big difference between children. In the first case (the difference is 2-3 years), the older child himself needs care and, of course, mother's care and love. The greater the difference, the more acutely he begins to feel the anxiety and uncertainty that arise with the appearance of a baby.
Children's egocentrism. Older children, accustomed to the whole world spinning around them, consider themselves the best and indispensable for their mothers and fathers. The appearance of a second child in a family is often perceived by them as a real betrayal. Hence the negative emotions and protest.
The children are of the same sex or the eldest is a boy. It is believed that rivalry between same-sex children is especially strong. Psychologists are also confident that it is much easier to involve a girl in caring for a newborn due to her innate maternal instinct and need to care for younger ones.
Insufficient attention parents. The baby is jealous of his mother and father, who use all their strength and free time spend on a newborn baby.
Parental mistakes. Sometimes adults are indifferent to what happens between children. It happens that the elder is moved to another room or even sent to the grandmother, without asking his wishes.
Changing mode. Sometimes parents change the usual daily routine of older children, adjusting it to the regime that is convenient for infants. It is not surprising that such a step can cause jealousy towards a younger child.

Scroll possible reasons is far from exhaustive, however, from it we can conclude that much in the problem of childhood jealousy depends on correct behavior parents and their relationship to their children.

How to avoid jealousy - expecting a baby together

Emphasize all the benefits of having a baby when talking to your older child. Tell them that in the future they will be able to go to the park together and play on the playground. In general, create pleasant associations with the birth of your second baby.
However, do not get carried away with describing the many advantages and warn your child in advance that the newborn will not be able to immediately ride a bike with him or play with dolls. Explain to the child that at first it is necessary to take care of the younger one, teach him everything that he can do himself.
All innovations and changes in children's life should be carried out before the birth of the second child. , adaptation to kindergarten ( ), moving to a separate room should not make the baby feel like he is being cut off from his mother due to the arrival of a new family member.
The firstborn will be able to feel involved in important event, if you involve him in buying a crib, rattles, stroller and clothes for the baby. Ask your little one to help choose a name, choose a gift together and draw beautiful picture for a newborn.

The appearance of a youngest child in the house

The first months after the birth of a second baby are perhaps the most difficult for a mother. She is completely occupied with the newborn and may miss the moment of jealousy in the older one. How to prevent this problem?

Note to moms!

Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me too, and I’ll also write about it))) But there’s nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too...

If you have been unable to avoid childhood jealousy, and the relationship between the kids is only getting worse, it’s time to take control of the situation into your own hands.

Try to show equal affection to both children. The same applies to other relatives. Jealousy can intensify several times if relatives stop noticing the first-born, turning all their attention to the baby. Have an appropriate conversation with your close circle.
Remind your older child that the youngest member of the family loves him and is attracted to him much more than the others. Emphasize the closeness of the children every time so as not to leave any chance for rivalry.
Whenever conflict situation Don't immediately take the younger child's side. Be sure to find out the reasons for the quarrel. If the scandal occurred over a toy, try to find a use for it so that the kids can play together with the doll or car.
Three-year-old children begin to consider themselves full owners of toys, cribs, etc. Therefore, do not force your older child to share his property. Leave him the right to play separately and do not impose each other’s company on the little ones.
In the process of caring for a newborn, do not forget a simple rule for all family members and relatives - give gifts to both children. Jealousy towards the younger one will intensify many times over if the older child is deprived of purchases and new things.
Don't get annoyed if your older child refuses to help you or does something wrong. Any careless word addressed to him can cause anger and increase hostility towards the baby.
Remember that if there are excessive manifestations of jealousy, you should not leave children without parental supervision. Young children do not always know how to control their anger, and a younger child can be seriously injured by an older one.
Often, as children grow up, their interests diverge more and more, so it is worth enrolling them in different clubs, taking into account their preferences and desires. Having achieved impressive results in different areas activities, they will no longer feel like rivals.

And another one important recommendation– maintain a balance in your relationship with your children, do not single out one of them, try not to compare them with each other. Remember to spend more time together, but don't interfere if they get along great and play well together. In this case, you will be more likely to cope with childhood jealousy and avoid problems associated with it.

The content of the article:

Childhood jealousy is a phenomenon familiar to almost everyone since childhood. Jealous behavior towards younger sisters or brothers, friends, one of the parents or grandparents is a manifestation of the fear of not receiving enough attention from the object of jealousy. First we experience it ourselves, as children, then we encounter the problem with our children, as parents.

The mechanism of development of childhood jealousy

Jealousy is the fear of dislike. Likewise, the child is very afraid that a person important to him (in most cases, his mother) will give his love and attention not to him, but to someone else. Most often this happens when there is a new addition to the family. And not necessarily at the expense of the second (third, etc.) child. Not less jealousy can cause the appearance of a “new” dad or “new” mom if he was previously raised by one parent.

One way or another, the arrival of a new family member disrupts the usual pattern of life. Including the life of the firstborn or a child who now has both parents. And it’s not so much a matter of changing the daily routine or everyday nuances. Most often, children's jealousy in the family develops as a result of a change in priorities - now our hero is not in the spotlight, he has a competitor.

And if the child is not prepared in advance for such a situation, his first reaction will be bewilderment. He can't understand why new member families are better than him, why is he given so much attention. The unresolved problem of adaptation to new conditions can transform bewilderment into non-acceptance, which in turn will push the baby into a struggle for attention, which can manifest itself in different ways - from unconscious and harmless pranks to conscious disgusting behavior.

Important! If you don’t confront your child with a fact, but spend time with him preparatory work- the mechanism of childhood jealousy may not start.

Reasons for the development of childhood jealousy

As already mentioned, children's jealousy can be multidirectional - towards a younger brother or sister, towards friends, towards mom or dad, towards relatives and even towards educators or teachers. The main thing that unites all objects of jealousy is an important role in the life of the jealous person. Therefore, the reasons for jealous behavior in children can be divided into 2 categories: external (independent of the child himself) and internal (formed taking into account the characteristics of character, upbringing, and health status).

TO external reasons Child jealousy includes all changes that occur in the life or composition of a child’s family that shift his authority. This could be the birth of a baby, the beginning life together mothers with a “new” father or, conversely, the appearance of new students in a group or class, new friends in the company. More capable or brighter. If a child is very attached to his grandparents, the arrival of other grandchildren may force him to change his behavior.

The baby experiences the appearance of new (step) brothers or sisters very hard when his mother or father creates new family with a man who has children of his own. And it’s not a fact that this new object is actually better and gets more attention. But it is difficult for a child to see and understand this on his own.

Another external factor, which in Lately becomes more and more significant - work. It is very difficult for children to realize that their parents spend much more time on this incomprehensible “work” than they do.

Basic internal reasons childish jealousy is as follows:

Egocentrism. This position is typical for children under the age of 10-12 years, when they quite sincerely consider themselves the center of the Universe. Therefore, the child positions any “newcomer” in the family or company as a replacement for himself, expressing this with negative emotions and protests. He is not ready and does not want to share with someone the attention, love, authority that was previously intended only for him.
Responsiveness. Children often react with jealous behavior to a lack of attention, considering it an unfair attitude. In the family - when most of the child’s requests are postponed or ignored due to busyness (younger child, new relationship, work). His desires are postponed or not fulfilled at all, and he hears the words “wait”, “later”, “not now” more and more often. This causes him justified indignation, because he is also worthy of attention. A feeling of unfair treatment can also be caused by situations in the company of friends, when a child is openly taken advantage of. For example, they invite him to play only because of toys or a bicycle, they pay attention only when he appears new toy. Or clothes, a gadget - if we are talking about schoolchildren.
Unpreparedness for responsibility. This reason is more typical for a situation where a child becomes an older brother or older sister. The title of “seniority” is rarely perceived by children as a reward or privilege. More like additional responsibility and responsibilities instead of the extra attention they so need.
Inability to express feelings. Children who do not know how to express feelings of love and affection in the usual ways (kind words, “hugs”, etc.), they use the technique for this: “He is jealous - that means he loves.” And, remaining alone or out of sight of parents (friends), they attract attention with insults and defiant behavior.
Increased anxiety. A child who doubts himself, that he is loved, that he is worthy of love, is in constant anxiety. In all events, the baby is looking for his guilt: a brother was born, a friend didn’t go out for a walk, grandma didn’t come to visit, he will come up with a lot of explanations. Far from the truth, but necessarily associated with him, with his (imaginary) shortcomings. And here you need to remember that the child will not become anxious on his own - these are gaps in upbringing. This can be caused by the duality of parents’ demands: for example, today curiosity is good and educational, tomorrow it is bad and annoying.
Creation of competitive conditions. Certain parenting tactics when competition is created between children can instill in a child a feeling of jealousy towards a brother or sister. The first to eat soup is to get candy, the first to put away the toys is to go for a walk outside, the first to learn homework is to watch a cartoon or play on the computer, etc. Or the opposite approach: if you didn’t eat the soup, you were left without sweets, if you didn’t put away the toys, you were left without them, etc. Such identification of one child as “good” by any means gives the status of “bad” to another. And it disrupts the relationship between children. Sometimes for life.
Feeling helpless. It happens that the roots of childhood jealousy grow from simple feeling that the child is unable to influence the situation. He looks at his competitor (new friend, new dad or mom, little brother or sister cousin or sister) and cannot understand why he is better. At the same time, he cannot justify this and somehow influence the choice of a person important to him. He feels powerless and therefore gets angry. Due to the same egocentrism, not understanding that love can be different - for children, for soul mates, for parents, for friends, and therefore - independent and completely compatible.

The main signs of childhood jealousy

Manifestations of a jealous attitude towards the object of their love in children largely depend on the strength of this love itself, personality characteristics and the reaction of parents to this. Therefore, they will not necessarily be stormy and defiant. A child can experience everything deep inside. That is, signs of childhood jealousy can be divided into obvious and hidden.

Obvious manifestations of jealousy in children include the following behavioral reactions:

Aggressiveness. The most common form of expressing your “ardent” feelings towards a competitor. This can be physical impact (if it concerns the “children’s” category) - fights, the desire to pinch, push, take something away. In general, it will hurt. Or emotional pressure - insults, teasing, calling names, the desire to slander, persuade someone to do something bad, set them up. Or both methods together.
Hyperactivity. Excessive activity of the child, which has not been observed before, should also alert vigilant parents. A pet that has been pushed off its pedestal changes its tactics of behavior as compensation for the feeling of uselessness. At the same time, the newly minted “live” not only does not want to calm down, but also refuses to eat, nap, or recently enjoy favorite activities (walks, toys, meetings with friends or family, playing with a pet, etc.). He is moody and cannot concentrate on one activity.
Neurotic reactions. In very sensitive children, the response to a jealous attitude to a change in their status in the family or company may not be behavior, but reaction nervous system. For example, hysteria, stuttering, nervous tics.

The following signs indicate that a child is experiencing jealous feelings within himself:

Anxiety. Negativity, resentment, and misunderstanding accumulated and pent up inside still break out, despite the outwardly calm child. These may be sleep problems - restless, interrupted sleep, difficulty waking up or getting up. The digestive system can also react - poor appetite, digestive disorders, changes in taste preferences. The psyche also gets involved, bringing back old fears and inventing new ones. School performance may also suffer.
Change of mood. A clear sign what the child is experiencing stressful situation- change in his emotional behavior. If previously cheerful and active baby suddenly became sad, passive and whiny, this is a hidden urge that he needs help and attention.
Departure from independence. Very often, older children begin to consciously “unlearn” and “not be able” to do what they did independently before the arrival of a new family member. Children's performance about the world tells him that if he becomes like the baby to whom his mother now pays so much attention, then she will devote the same amount of time to him.
Deterioration of health. Internal experiences can also affect the child’s health - he may get sick more often colds or suffer from exacerbations of chronic diseases for no apparent reason. Or he may use simulation or trauma to attract attention.

Important! A child’s jealousy is his emotions, experiences that he can take with him throughout the world. adult life, thereby greatly complicating it. Therefore, it should not go unnoticed.

How to deal with childhood jealousy

Most effective method return the child “to the family” - restore his confidence that he is still needed and loved. You can do this most different ways depending on why he is jealous and how he shows it.

How to deal with childhood jealousy towards a younger child

If the reason for the change in the child's behavior is the birth of the baby, try to correct the situation using the following methods:

Prevention. To ensure that children's jealousy at the birth of a second child is minimal or does not arise at all, you can use the method of preparing the first-born for joining the family. To do this, initiate him into the mysteries of the development of the future baby (without fanaticism), let him stroke his belly, listen to him kick, talk to him. Patiently explain why the pregnant mother can no longer play so actively and hold her first child in her arms. Show your child photos and videos of him when he was still a baby. Try not to imply that the older one will have more fun with the younger one. Children have a poorly developed concept of time - it is difficult for them to realize what will happen someday. Therefore, a helpless baby born can be a disappointment for an older brother or sister who was counting on a full-fledged play partner. To avoid such a reaction, tell your first-born that he, too, was little, did not know how to do anything, but learned over time. But he didn’t have such a good older brother (sister) who would help him learn everything faster and more fun. Invite or go to visit a family that already has a baby - let the child see for himself how touching and funny he is. Special attention devote time to preparing your firstborn for the fact that the mother will be absent for several days (during her stay in the maternity hospital).
Quality of communication. Naturally, with the birth of the baby, neither father nor mother will be able to devote the same amount of time to the first-born as was given to him before. Therefore, try to translate quantity into quality. To cope with childhood jealousy, set aside a certain time period - “older child time”, when nothing and no one will interfere with your communication. Let it be half an hour a day, but all this time mom will only be with him. That is, make it a ritual. It is better if this time is before bedtime - during this period children are more receptive and open. Communication at this time should be as pleasant and confidential as possible. You can build it in different ways: it can be a fairy tale, reading books or discussing the past day. In the latter case, make it a rule not to compare the behavior of the older one with other children, especially with the younger one. Help analyze his behavior and find optimal ways to resolve certain situations. If possible, maintain your daily routine and existing rituals as much as possible.
A realistic look at the role of an older child. the main task parents - to make their firstborn an assistant, not a nanny. This is especially true for children with small difference th aged. Therefore, involve the elder in helping to care for the baby adequately, taking into account his real opportunities and desire. Entrust him with little things that are insignificant for you (choose socks or a hat for a walk, roll the stroller a little, shake a rattle, bring a bottle, etc.), presenting them to him as a very responsible task that you cannot cope with without his help. And be sure to reward initiative and help so that the first-born feels important and needed.
Ability to listen and explain. Take time to listen carefully to your firstborn and his feelings towards the current situation. Convey to him what you see, what is happening to him, and you understand why. If the child does not make contact, you can use the active listening method. That is, say all his feelings out loud. Even if he still doesn’t speak, he will hear you and understand the sensations you voiced. Using the same method, direct his feelings to the right direction- his parents still love and appreciate him, no matter what.
Benefits of "seniority". Remind that the firstborn not only has certain responsibilities to the younger brother or sister, but also advantages. For example, eating ice cream, watching cartoons, playing on the computer, running, jumping, etc. Just don't overdo it so you don't get the opposite result. In the presence of your first-born, try to talk about the baby not as your son (daughter), but as his brother (sister), focusing on how good he (she) is. This way, the older child will gradually develop a sense of pride that he has a super brother or sister. Which means he too is super.
Suppression of aggression. Monitor the behavior of both children, not allowing them to offend each other. It is especially important not to give a discount to a younger person because of his age - he also needs to be explained that it is not good to offend an older person. Do not punish or reward one child at the expense of another - find compromises. Then children will not compete with each other and will learn to sincerely enjoy each other’s successes.

How to deal with childhood jealousy towards one of the parents

Often, jealous behavior manifests itself towards mom or dad, even without the appearance of a brother or sister. In this case, the child is not ready to share the love and care of mom and dad or vice versa.

Here are a few ways to respond to children's jealousy towards one of their parents:

Belief. Try to explain to the child that love for him and love for her husband (wife) - different feelings. They do not replace each other and can coexist perfectly. And you have enough love and attention for everyone.
Compromise. If a child shows aggression or is capricious when you pay attention to your spouse, do not remove your husband. Do not let your child understand that he is more important. In a family, everyone is equal and everyone deserves love and love equally. good attitude. Try to involve the jealous person in collaboration: your husband wants to kiss you, and the child, seeing this, becomes hysterical - offer to kiss you together; If you want to lie down with your husband on the sofa, and the baby desperately climbs between you, let him in with joy and watch a cartoon or read a book together. Involve dad in the process - let him remind you in moments of childhood jealousy that he loves both mother and child.
Abstraction. In a situation where no persuasion or tricks work, and the child cannot calm down, create a comfort zone for him. Come up to him, hug him, kiss him, play with him. If necessary, take him to another room. And only when you see that the baby’s emotional position has changed, can you carefully talk to him about what happened.

How to deal with childhood jealousy towards a new dad or mom

The subject of children's dissatisfaction may be a new family member of a different kind - new husband moms or new wife dads. And often the integration of a new person into a child’s familiar environment is far from painless.

To soften it, use several psychological techniques:

Preparation. You need to prepare your child not only for the arrival of a younger child, but also for the fact that a new adult will live with him. To do this, they need to be given time to get to know and get used to each other. Most The best way To achieve this, organize periodic meetings. First, on your territory with a mandatory warning about this to the child. Then, when your child gets used to the new dad, you can expand the area of communication by going to the park, circus, cinema, skating rink or outdoor recreation. A very effective tactical step during such an event would be to leave the future stepfather and the child alone for a few minutes. That is, give them the opportunity to communicate without an intermediary and gain more trust. The next stage will be partial relocation, when the man sometimes stays overnight after spending the day with you and your child. And only after this, if the child does not object or even suggests it himself, invite your man to live with you on permanent terms.
Authority. Even if your child is prepared and has accepted his new chosen one, this is not a reason to “relax,” especially if you have a boy. Although girls also do not easily accept replacements for their dear mother. Now the main thing for a new husband or wife should be gaining authority with your child. And this should not be unquestioning submission only according to age gradation - children must obey adults. Dad or mom are not just adults. This is higher - an authority, a role model. To achieve such a “title” in the eyes of an adopted child, you need a little: to fulfill what is promised, to be able to explain the cause-and-effect relationships of certain actions, to adhere to the rules introduced, to be sincerely interested in his life, experiences, hobbies, to be able to support him even in the event of failures and mistakes.
Neutrality. Make it a rule not to interfere with the child’s feelings towards the new chosen one. Convince him that new dad does not take anyone’s place - he will have it as his own. And not only you, but also your child needs it, because it can become good friend, protector, assistant. And you have enough time for everyone. But don’t ignore situations when a child tries to point out that their stepfather is wrong. Find out, but neutrally, without taking sides.
Communication. No matter how much a wave of new feelings overwhelms you, do not leave your child alone. Try to give your new husband or wife attention without harming him. Until the situation in the family stabilizes, the baby takes very hard your attempts to be alone, especially outside the home. He perceives this as detachment and considers himself superfluous, unnecessary. And expect in this case Great love I don't have to go to my stepfather.

Important! No matter how excited you are about your new relationship, you can’t forget about motherhood. Now you are not just a woman, but a mother. And this is primary.

How to deal with childhood jealousy - watch the video:

Childhood jealousy is an illustration of the fear of losing one's world, full of love and attention. You cannot ignore it - you need to fight it. But the main thing is that it needs to be noticed and chosen the right way solving the problem so that your child grows up to be a happy and confident person.

As soon as the firstborn grows up a little, he increasingly begins to ask his mom and dad to give him a “brother or sister.” But when a second child appears in the family, the eldest has more reasons for anxiety than for joy. How to avoid jealousy and help the first-born, together with mom and dad, enjoy communicating with a new family member?

With the birth of a second child, the picture of the world that is familiar to him collapses for the first-born. Over the course of several years, he got used to the fact that all the attention of his parents, grandparents and other family members, even guests who come to the house, is directed primarily at him. When a baby appears in the house, the elder, if he is not sufficiently prepared for this event, is at first perplexed. Why does everyone suddenly, instead of playing and communicating with him as usual, give all their time and attention to this creature that came from nowhere, who not only cannot speak, but generally only screams and sleeps?

If the older child is not explained and shown that mom and dad still love him, he may begin to fight for their attention, consciously and unconsciously. The consequences can be completely unhappy - from pranks and disobedience to stuttering and permanent illness. But all this can be prevented.

Optimal age difference

It is clear that circumstances vary, but if possible, it is better that the second pregnancy (like the first) be planned. And it’s better to make plans wisely. Perfect difference between children - 3-4 years, closer to 4 years.

There are reasons for this. When the difference between children is very small, for example, they are born the same age, this not only makes quite complicated life parents, first of all, mothers, but also affects the development of both children. A baby under one year old always needs a mother, and the more time they spend together, the better for the child. After a year, it becomes important not only emotional contact and a feeling of security from the mother’s closeness, but also communication with both parents. The child begins to talk and walk - it becomes more and more difficult to monitor and protect him every day, and the questions that require answers become more and more numerous. Yes, at this point the child is not yet mature enough to truly feel jealousy, but the arrival of a new baby in the family can lead to the fact that he does not receive all the attention and communication with his parents that he needs. In addition, when children grow up a little, they begin to spend a lot of time together, growing and developing together, almost like twins. This can somewhat slow down the development of the older child: he will “slow down” so that the younger one can “keep up” with him.

At two years old, the baby is still self-centered, but is already self-aware enough to painfully perceive a change in his position in the family. By the age of three, the crisis was in full swing. The child asks questions “why” and “why” every minute, constantly striving to touch, try and understand everything himself. Keeping track of him at this time can be difficult even for that mother whose time is given only to him. In addition, at this age the baby has already grown enough to perceive himself separately from his parents, note how much attention and love he receives, and even hide his experiences. But he does not yet have the mechanisms to adequately process what he is experiencing. Most often, deprived of a share of the usual attention and feeling a change in attitude towards himself, the baby, not being able to react differently and not having the experience of looking at the situation “from the outside,” blames himself for this and begins to react, most often unconsciously. For example, he may suddenly, having previously grown and developed normally, begin to get sick often - albeit at the cost of drawing the family's attention to himself.

A four-year-old child can already understand - with a reasonable explanation supported by action - that his mother loves him, even if she is not with him all the time. He can already take care of himself in many ways and even help his elders take care of his brother or sister. When the youngest child grows up, they will be interested in playing together.

With a difference of 6-7 years or more, the gap between children is already too large for them to be interested in common games and activities. Psychologists say: in a situation where the gap between children is too large, you can consider that you do not have two children, but one and another. That is, they grow up separately, and parents will also have to deal with them, for the most part, separately from each one.

Of course, you shouldn’t focus only on age. The eldest, no matter how old he is, needs to explain everything that is happening in the family before the appearance of a younger brother or sister. Moreover, it is worth starting even before a new child appears in it.

Getting ready to meet a new family member

Rivalry between children begins when the youngest is still “sitting in the stomach” of the mother. We have to deal with this issue all the time in practice, but parents often don’t think about it. Being pregnant, the mother can no longer lift the baby in her arms as before, cannot lie with him, cannot play as he is used to. It is at these moments, even before the baby appears in the house, that the older boy or girl already begins to feel: “Something is wrong!”, and immediately the child has the thought that everything that is happening is “because of him / her."

In general, this is a common scenario for a child: changes in the family that lead to a decrease in attention to him are considered his fault. Most likely, he will not say this directly, but he will worry. Therefore, it is better to prepare your baby for the arrival of a brother or sister in advance.

Already during pregnancy, it is useful for the mother to talk with the older baby, explaining and telling him that soon another child, a sister or brother, whom he has dreamed of, will appear in the family. At the same time, you should not promise him that now he will always have a partner to play with - at the sight of a helpless baby, the elder will feel disappointed and deceived, because he was counting on something completely different. So that your firstborn can better understand what to prepare for, you can show him photographs or videos that captured him in infancy, and tell him about what he was like a few years ago. Explain that then he could neither walk, nor talk, nor play, but now he has learned everything, and will be able to help his parents teach this to their baby. It is necessary for the elder to understand that the little one will play with him, but this will not happen too soon. You can show your child books with pictures about how pregnancy is going, this will help him understand what is happening to his mother, why her mother has changed. appearance and behavior why she can't play with him like before. It’s good to find among your friends and acquaintances a family where a baby has recently appeared, and go visit them with your older child so that he can see with his own eyes what a funny, sweet and touching creature will soon appear in their family.

Particular attention should be paid to the child if the mother needs to go to the hospital for several days, for childbirth or for another reason. A baby who is used to not being separated from his mother for more than 2-3 hours may decide that his mother is being “taken away” from him - the reaction can be very different, even stuttering. Before parting with the mother, the child must be prepared, especially if this has not happened before this moment.

Displacement from the “pedestal”

But no matter how you prepare your older child for the arrival of the little one, the first time in the house with a new family member will not be easy for him. Imagine: everything he has become accustomed to over several years of his life is collapsing. At the same time, he seems to continue to do everything as before - but the situation has changed, and radically. He is no longer the smallest member of the family around whom all attention is concentrated. They may even give up on him and forget about him for a while. The kid screams - the older one is sent to another room, as if they have forgotten about him... At the same time, he is also not accepted into the “adult camp” due to his youth. It was as if he had been on some kind of pedestal in the family, and had been for as long as he could remember - and now he was removed from the pedestal, and it is not clear why. The child does not understand: how is this possible? And he may begin to “pull the blanket” over himself.

The elder may react in different ways. Let the parents not be afraid if he starts asking for a pacifier again, even if he refused it a long time ago, asking to put on a diaper, although there is no longer a need for it, or otherwise copying the behavior of the younger one, temporarily “turning into a baby.” This is fine. It is better to explain to the elder the difference between him and the baby, emphasizing how much he has learned, not forgetting to praise him for all his successes and achievements. It’s worse if, not receiving proper attention and love in the family, the child tries to find it outside - in yard companies, for example. Friends are good, but they cannot replace communication with parents.

Without receiving the usual attention, the eldest son or daughter may begin to be capricious, behave aggressively, express dissatisfaction on any occasion, and it becomes difficult to come to an agreement with them. This is how the child shows adults that he needs attention - and he gets it, even with the help of scandals.

Main quality

With the birth of the baby, mom and dad will no longer be able to pay as much attention to the older child as before. But what is important here is not the quantity, but the quality of the time spent with him.

The older child is not to blame for the fact that parents and mother in particular are now busier. It is important to regularly allocate time to your elder that will be devoted only to him and no one else. An hour, even half an hour a day - but the mother should spend these minutes only with the older child. At this time, nothing should interfere with their communication. The mother should not be distracted by the baby’s crying or phone calls, nor the requests and questions of other family members. It is important.

Maybe dad, who has returned from work, or grandparents can help during this time. The main thing is that the elder clearly knows: there is a “holy” mother’s time, when she belongs only to him and no one and nothing else, and day after day he becomes convinced of this again.

Before bed is a good time for such communication. Children often do not want to go to bed and do not fall asleep for a long time. At these moments, on the one hand, they are emotionally receptive, and on the other, they are as open as possible. Before going to bed, you can either talk to your child, read books to him or tell him fairy tales, or discuss what happened during the day, in particular his behavior. At the same time, the older child must be treated with respect. Even when assessing his behavior and actions, you should not compare him with the younger one or with other children. Such comparisons do not lead to improved behavior, but to the emergence of anger and even a desire to harm the person with whom they are comparing. It's better to give this time to the signs mutual love and trust. Then the child will fall asleep peacefully and his behavior will soften.

Assistant, but not a nanny

The most important thing is to turn the older child into someone who helps the mother take care of the younger one, who can teach his brother or sister something. But remember: the eldest does not have to be a nanny! There are cases when mothers, having returned from the maternity hospital with a baby, begin to perceive the older child as an adult - in contrast. But a 3 or 5 year old child is not an adult! Of course, he is older than the one who is not yet a month old. But he is the same child. The appearance of a little one does not mean that the older one has suddenly grown up sharply.

We must remember that even if the elder himself expresses a desire to help his parents with his brother and sister, this does not turn him into a nanny. Helping to raise or care for the baby should not become a responsibility for him, otherwise he will find displeasure rather than joy in communicating with the little one, and over time he may begin to try to avoid him. If a child helps with pleasure, and everything works out for him, we must not forget to praise and support him.

Why go to a specialist

There are also opposite cases - when a mother, with the birth of her baby, begins to spoil her older child too much. This happens if the mother has a great, most often unfounded, feeling of guilt. Its roots may lie in childhood - for example, if she herself once found herself in the position of the eldest daughter who did not receive enough attention. Now, by giving gifts to the child and pampering him, she seeks to protect him from what she herself once experienced.

Another problem is if the parents, having become involved with the baby, still did not remember about the elder in time, and discovered that the child’s behavior had changed or that illnesses followed one after another, even when it became impossible not to notice it. In such cases, you should contact a specialist. Professional psychologists They know all the algorithms for the occurrence of certain difficulties, and it is easier for us to find the cause and help solve the problem.

The sooner the problem is resolved, the better. Even if it is not possible to constantly visit a psychologist, it is worth going to at least a few appointments, properly preparing for them. You need to be attentive to your behavior and the behavior of your child. If unusual situations arise that cause you concern, it is better to write down when, under what circumstances, how and what happened, and come to the clinic with these notes. This will help reduce the number of visits, solve the problem faster and more painlessly, and allow parents to become more attentive to themselves and their children, which will prevent new difficulties.

Veronika Kazantseva, psychologist-educator, clinical psychologist of the Semeynaya network of medical clinics:“When a child with his parents or mother comes to my office at the Semeynaya clinic, I conduct a comprehensive diagnosis, because I am a medical psychologist. In order to understand the causes of a child’s problems and behavioral disorders, projective techniques, in particular, drawing tests, are very good. By the way a child draws a person, a family, and what colors he uses in his drawings, you can understand a lot. Along the way, even if a girl or boy came to me precisely in connection with the birth of a brother or sister, other causes of problems may also emerge. Tests help to understand why a child has difficulties at school or in kindergarten, or problems communicating with peers. This way you can get to the bottom of what is really hidden behind the peculiarities of his behavior, and create a competent correctional program, both for him and for his parents. The program can be structured so that it can be performed both in a psychologist’s office in a clinic and at home.”

magazine for parents “Raising a Child”, October-November 2013

Expecting the birth of my second child, I decided to prepare my first-born for this event according to all the rules of psychological science. This turned out to be not at all difficult: the advice of psychologists read in books and magazines did not in the least contradict the dictates of my own soul.

My son was only two years old when I started telling him about the tiny man who lives and grows in my stomach and who will soon become a member of our family. My son liked the stories about the future baby, he happily put his hand to his stomach, in which he was moving. new life. He was prepared in advance for the fact that while the newborn and I were in the maternity hospital, he would have to live with his grandparents. And he heroically endured this first separation in his life from his parents and home.

When we got back together, everything went even better than anyone could have imagined. The little one still slept quite a lot, and my son and I, missing each other, spent more time together than ever with books, fairy tales, games, and hugs. My blue-eyed baby didn’t mind if, while breastfeeding, I held a book in my hands or told my son a fairy tale. And it was not at all a burden for him to carry washing machine wet diapers and sometimes guarding the stroller at the entrance. I enjoyed this idyll. And she had no idea that it was destined to end soon.

Meanwhile, my daughter was getting older and slept less. And the moment came when possessing only her mother’s breasts seemed insufficient to her. She wanted to have the whole mother at her disposal. A replacement in the form of a pope was not accepted.

Now it was possible to study with her son only during her short nap. And I didn’t want to deprive him of such a peaceful and beloved ritual as bedtime reading! But implementing it turned into sheer torture: my daughter would snatch the book from my hands, and if I tried to tell a fairy tale or recite poetry by heart, she would scream loudly and literally shut my mouth. She wouldn't let my brother sit on my lap, and she wouldn't let me get anywhere near him while breastfeeding.

My balanced and understanding son, in general, understood the explanations that she was still too young to be fair, but he did nothing to deserve such an attitude. And I myself, tired of meeting the needs of a still dumb baby, so wanted to communicate with my smart and inquisitive son!

That’s when I remembered the many parenting books I bought and studied when I gave birth to my first child. Won't they help?

It cannot be said that the topic of jealousy and rivalry has not been covered at all by psychologists and teachers. For example, the famous American psychologist Dr. Dobson gives a lot of wonderful advice: avoid situations in which children are compared with each other; demonstrate to brothers and sisters in every possible way that each of them is of equal value to their parents as the others. Distribute praise and criticism equally as possible.

Dr. Dobson provides a whole list of rules and restrictions that help maintain order and discipline in the family and prevent the worst manifestations of jealousy. All of these suggestions are really good, and I'll be happy to use them in a few years. But how can you explain to a one and a half year old baby that the mother is alone for two and that the older brother is also a person? How to organize playing together, if this baby still doesn’t know how to do anything except destroy the structure built by her brother from cubes or sand?

American authors William and Martha Sears, famous for their book “Your Child,” very clearly talk about how to prepare an older child for the arrival of a younger one. I have already used these tips. The Serzes raised eight children. Realizing that in such big family children inevitably suffer from a lack of attention from their parents, they came up with their own way out: for each child, in turn, mom and dad make “dates”: they take him alone to the park, on attractions, in cafes, and have heart-to-heart conversations. But this, of course, is not suitable for my tiny jealous girl, she is still too small.

Maybe the problem that has arisen in our family is something exceptional? No, a survey of friends showed quite the opposite. Apparently, being born when your “place in the sun” has already been taken is also a kind of test that is not so easy for younger children to pass.

The only author in whose works I was able to find some reflections on this problem is the famous psychoanalyst Alfred Adler. In his work "Raising Children" he considers a situation similar to mine: the eldest son and the youngest daughter. “The first-born boy is usually pampered and at the same time much is expected from him,” writes Adler. “His situation is favorable until his sister appears.”

According to Adler, the boy, not wanting to part with his position as the only favorite, begins to fight against her. The girl in this situation has no choice but to make extraordinary efforts. She develops quickly, is in many ways ahead of her brother, and he begins to lose his masculine authority, and with it his faith in himself. From such firstborns, Adler believes, insecure, lazy, nervous men grow up, who already in childhood felt not strong enough to compete with their sister.

Yes, a sad observation. But this is perhaps an extreme. In our case, everything is not so bad. The son does not fight against his daughter, he is peaceful, balanced, well developed physically and mentally and, thank God, not a shadow of insecurity in him is noticeable.

But here is what Adler writes about younger children: they bear the unmistakable stamp of being the youngest in the family. Most often, the youngest is the one who wants to get ahead of everyone. He is never quiet and believes in achieving more than others. By the way, even in fairy tales the youngest child bypasses his brothers and sisters. It turns out that not only Ivanushka the Fool is like this - according to Adler, younger children in German, Scandinavian, Chinese fairy tales also turn out to be winners.

Of course, in earlier times, when there were many children in families, the figure of the youngest child was more distinct. Perhaps, being the youngest in a large family is not quite the same as in a standard modern family, where there are usually only two offspring. But nevertheless, Alfred Adler’s conclusions are worth taking into account.

However, psychoanalysis is psychoanalysis, and again I cannot read a book to my son, I cannot study mathematics and geography with him, in which he is already showing interest. And then I turn to child psychologists.

Indeed, the topic of jealousy of a younger child towards an older one appears much less frequently in literature,” Ekaterina Aleksandrovna Loshinskaya, a psychologist at children’s clinic No. 108 in Moscow, agrees with the results of my research. - The books mainly tell how to cope with the jealousy of an older child towards a younger one. And this is understandable, because the eldest child, at least one and a half years old, declares jealousy, as they say, in pure form, specific actions or words towards the baby. It turns out: there is a problem - there is a solution.

But if a very small, unconscious person is jealous, then it is very difficult to differentiate the reasons for his whims. Either it’s jealousy, or he’s actually “hungry for food.” Therefore, we rarely say that younger children are jealous, more often: “they are demanding, capricious, want to attract attention in any way, and claim leadership.” Strictly speaking, we note the formation of a manipulative style of behavior. But it can be difficult to understand that we ourselves provoked all this.

Of course, a jealous child fights for his place in the sun. Fights for our attention, which he lacks. Not enough because he's so demanding? No, because he was not given this attention.

How come they didn’t get enough if the mother only cares about the baby? Yes, she devotes more time to him, but internally, emotionally, she may be tuned in to the elder. What is more important for the emergence of jealousy is not the formal amount of time that we devote to children (although that too), but our internal focus on one of them.

The fact is that young children are very sensitive to being “attuned” to them. Absence warmth they perceive it as a threat to life and begin to attract attention to themselves by any means available.

A striking example of this can be the jealousy of a younger child towards an older one with a small age difference - especially when the first child turns out to be non-random, long-awaited, the mother and all relatives invest a lot in pregnancy, childbirth, and in the first months of his life spiritual energy. So much that the second baby born after a short period of time can no longer receive the same amount - simply because the parents by this moment are somewhat exhausted morally.

Agree: when a family is expecting their first child, the mother, as a rule, only thinks about him being born healthy and everything going well. All her thoughts are dedicated to this baby. During the second and subsequent pregnancies, she can no longer completely surrender to thoughts about who she carries under her heart - older children require her attention, especially if they are not yet very independent.

I myself did not avoid this mistake when a second child appeared in our family. While swaddling my youngest daughter, I talked to my eldest. The baby's regime was adjusted to the regime eldest daughter. I was constantly haunted by the thought that I would not give something to my eldest because I was devoting a lot of time to my younger one. I perceived her sleep time as a happy opportunity to communicate with eldest daughter.

And I didn’t immediately understand why younger girl grows up wayward and capricious, thinking that these are features of temperament. The idea of jealousy was prompted by the baby’s reaction to the attitude of others towards our children. The more they preferred the older one - calm and flexible, the more attention the younger one demanded.

Formal redistribution of attention did not give any results, if not to say that it gave negative result. Then, analyzing the situation and trying to control myself, I discovered that there were many internal movements of the soul that were completely beyond correction. And they sometimes float to the surface in some absurd forms. So, one time, while laying out soup on plates, I caught myself placing the plate that for some reason was more attractive to me, although of absolutely equal value, in front of my eldest daughter. I also noticed that when I call both children to me, I always say the name of my eldest daughter first.

However, my attempts to “balance” the attitude towards my daughters within myself were not enough: besides me, the children were surrounded by other people, and they continued to react to the girls’ behavior as before.

The fact is that it is impossible to compensate for the indifference of others with an excess of mother’s love. It was not immediately possible to convince other family members to accept the youngest child as he is, to discern in him a sincere, much stronger attachment to them and dependence on them than the eldest daughter. The ideal option is when everyone loves everyone equally. But how to achieve this?

And then I remembered what one told me mother of many children, when I asked her how a family with five children manages to create such a peaceful atmosphere. Every day she speaks privately to each child on behalf of another (in different shapes, often even inventing something): “How Sasha loves you!” Or: “How Seryozha was waiting for you.” Or: “You know, Nadya left you a piece of cake.” Despite the seeming artificiality of this technique, it really helps to establish real relationships between children - if you do it regularly, without missing a day, as if you were giving or taking a medicine prescribed for a long time.

This recipe is perfect for adults too. You don’t need to convince them for a long time - you just need to tell your grandmother once that the “wayward” child remembered the soup she cooked with gratitude all week.

Childish jealousy is like childish jealousy infectious disease- rarely can anyone avoid it. From the one to whom to a greater extent How parents feel about their feelings (absolute balance is extremely rare here!) depends on how the roles of the jealous and the docile child are distributed between the children.

Why is one of the children flexible and compromising? Because he is confident in parental love and feels protected. Only a person who has enough of what he shares can share easily.

And here is what Elena Anatolyevna Smirnova, candidate of psychological sciences, senior researcher at the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education, said.

Modern American psychologists also do not connect the jealousy of brothers and sisters towards each other with whether they are older or younger. Children initially feel defenseless, experts say, and can overcome this defenselessness only by seeking the love of their parents. Competition in the fight for this love is inevitable.

Sometimes jealousy takes extreme forms, and sometimes it is disguised so that it is not noticed. Both are fraught with danger. On the one hand, aggressive manifestations associated with jealousy can become entrenched in the child’s behavior and greatly interfere with his future communication with peers. On the other hand, hiding your feelings, driving them deep into a jealous child is also harmful: it is unknown what bizarre forms this unrealized feeling will take later.

If among your children there is a pronounced jealous person, you need to try to objectively analyze who gets more real attention and warmth, and for some - less. Try to balance your attitude towards children within yourself. And finally, pay close attention external manifestations your feelings.

It is possible that for some time attention to a pronounced jealous person may even be increased. Another child, feeling more secure, will forgive you for some distance and be satisfied with the attention of other family members. But even in this case, avoid extremes.

Some kind of joint activity - games, activities, entertainment - is very important for creating and strengthening friendship between brothers and sisters. And this applies not only to older children. For baby everyday life families are also “activities”. Therefore, while waiting for the baby to appear, you should not send your older child to his grandmother and, most importantly, leave him there for the first, most difficult months for the mother. It is better to start taking the older one some time before the birth of the second child. kindergarten, if it’s hard for mom with two. Children from the same family should live under the same roof; this helps them become closer and closer to each other. Of course everything family holidays, trips to nature, to the park, to the zoo, etc. should be common (unless you have eight children, like the Serzes). If the parents are believers, then everyone should also go to church together.

But behaviorists (supporters of behavioral theory in psychology) advise resorting to so-called bodily therapy: sit both children on your lap, hug them at the same time, literally forming a “family circle.”

It took quite a lot of time to prepare this material: the topic turned out to be very unexplored. However, the acquired knowledge helped and gave me confidence. And now the behavior of my little jealous girl has noticeably improved. True, she clearly did not like the advice of behaviorists. She persistently pushed her brother away until she managed to come up with something else.

Perhaps this can be called a type of bodily therapy. In our family it is called “universal kissing” and this is how it is done. First, the children kiss their mother on both sides, then the mother and son kiss their daughter, then the mother and daughter kiss their son, and so on in any order until they get tired of it. Usually this does not cause protest from anyone, but has a purely pacifying effect.

Another type of joint activity available to such kids (two and four years old) is when the older one shows younger pictures in books and, to the best of his ability, tells what is written on them, or asks about it.

Now the daughter agrees to play with her dad for ten minutes in the evenings, and this is enough to put her son to bed and read to him at night. When he goes somewhere with his dad, the daughter anxiously asks where Vasya is, and when he cries, she strokes his head with a sympathetic expression on her face.

She did not become less jealous, she just gradually began to understand that her mother was alone for two, and nothing could be done about it. “Getting your mother as your property” can only be done one by one, and nothing else. At about two years old, she finally came to terms with the fact that we read books in turns. First, for her - “Masha and the Bear” and “Moidodyra”, then for her son - the stories of Nosov and Dragunsky.

But it's finally come happy time. Children willingly build houses together from blocks or pillows, climb around the sports complex, and most importantly, enjoy listening to the same books. Until recently, these were only Suteev’s fairy tales, but now it’s “The Kid and Carlson”.

My daughter turned three years old. She became more accommodating and flexible. Communication with her began to bring more pleasure than grief. Perhaps the test turned out to be not so difficult and quite surmountable.

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