I don't get along with my mother. I can't get along with my mom

Compliance with the obligatory prayers, fasting and dress code prescribed for a Muslim woman turned out to be not the most difficult, on the contrary: I feel comfortable, calm ... I also know that one should try to observe the Sunna of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) - in particular, you need treat with respect. But here's the problem - I can't find a common language with my own mother...

I am very ashamed to write about this, but... I was silent a lot in my childhood, I was secretive, I never shared with anyone, even with my mother... and now...

I “eat” myself from the inside, I try not to show that I lack something ... What should I do if there is no understanding between the closest people, between my daughter and mother? ..

P.S. I am 26 years old. Working. I am almost never at home, and if I stay, I will definitely quarrel with my mother.

In terms of religion:

The duty of obedience to parents and honoring them is stated in the Qur'an itself (meaning): “Your Lord has prescribed that you do not worship anyone but Him, and do good to your parents. If one of the parents or both reach old age, then do not say “uff” to them, do not grumble at them and address them respectfully, affectionately ”(Sura Al-Isra, ayat 23).

وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمً

This verse reveals to us much of what our relationship with our parents should be: it is obedience to them, and care for them, and polite communication with them ...

It is a pity that you did not specify what exactly you have disagreements with your mother, because of which you most often quarrel.

Naturally, in the first place, it would be advisable and most fruitful to talk with your mother. Try to talk to her, find out what is in her soul, what worries her, what she doesn’t like, etc.

When you feel that you are about to start quarreling again, remember the position of religion that it is forbidden to be rude or sarcastic to parents. Talk to your mother gently, affectionately, even if there are reproaches or insults on her part. Try not to take them to heart, skip the negative "past your ears."

If your mother is religious, then agree with her that if any controversial issues arise, both of you will turn to religion. Fortunately, Islamic shops have literature on this subject.

And, of course, whenever you find yourself "on the verge", put yourself in your mother's place: perhaps you will realize something, at least partially understand your mother.

From the point of view of psychology:

The most important thing in this situation is your awareness of the very existence of the problem and the desire to correct it. Another, no less important component of the successful resolution of the problem will be that the source of conflict relations will have to be sought in oneself. It is important to grasp the idea that it will not be possible to change another person, and besides, an adult. You have to change yourself.

Any misunderstanding between you and your mother is a consequence of the unwillingness of both parties to an open dialogue. In this case, we will try to influence the behavior of the mother through your actions. In other words, you need to develop a system of incentives that will allow you to radically change the course of your communication.

First of all, it is worth asking yourself what you yourself did to make your mother understand you. Just waiting for the other to show interest in our inner world is almost pointless. Usually mutual understanding between people is nothing but a product of the activity of one of the parties. That is, it is you who will be the first to pay attention to the needs of the mother. To do this, there is a need to bring her to a conversation about what worries her. This is one side of the issue. The other is how you present yourself to her.

Quite often, a person, hiding from others what worries him, thereby forms a wrong idea about himself. Further, this false and imposed concept leads others to expect certain behaviors in accordance with the perceived qualities.

In other words, while you are in a certain mask, others, including those closest to you, will interact not with YOU, but with the MASK that you demonstrate. This is the source of misunderstanding.

In general, in psychology, the postulate has long been accepted that you should not expect understanding from others, you should try to understand others yourself. The answer will surely come.

As for your quarrels with your mother, it is also important to trace the dynamics of the development of the conflict. After all, it is difficult to imagine such that you begin to quarrel with your mother, literally stepping over the threshold of her house. Usually it all starts with a dialogue, or to be more precise, with your joint subconscious willingness to quarrel. As paradoxical as it may sound, most people most often quarrel precisely because they are ready for this kind of interaction.

When you once again feel that a conversation with your mother begins to acquire a conflicting tone, give yourself a command: “Stop, I don’t want to quarrel. This is my mom and I love her. Whatever she says, I'm ready to accept it peacefully." An even greater positive effect will be if you tell your mother out loud that you do not want to quarrel with her, but you feel that the development of this conversation will definitely lead to this.

In general, pay great attention to how to make your mother as pleasant and kind as possible, even if your own "I" will oppose this. Think about the last time you told your mom that you love her, or something like that.

Take the first step in establishing a good relationship, talk about what worries you, open yourself to her. This is the only way to achieve true understanding.

Muhammad-Amin - Hadji Magomedrasulov
theologian
Aliaskhab Anatolievich Murzaev
psychologist-consultant of the Center for Social Assistance to Families and Children

Many mothers do not notice how their children become adults. They constantly get into the life of children, criticize them and take care of them. How to reduce mother's influence while maintaining a good relationship with her? The topic of our article is “How can an adult daughter find a common language with her mother?”.

First, pay attention to your parent. Try to determine its type. This will help you figure out how to communicate with her.
First type. Mother hen. This type of mother is the most common. Indeed, in every representative of the fair sex there is a need to patronize someone. Everything could be fine! However, your parent now and then goes overboard with her guardianship. This causes you to feel guilty. After all, she interrupted her career after you had a child. You are burdened by the care of a parent. However, you just can't tell her that.

What can be advised? First, think about whether you can do without the help of your mother. Most likely no. Therefore, you should often tell your mother how much you love her. However, it is still advisable for you to persuade the parent to go to a rest home and get a little distracted from the daily routine. She needs to know that you are worried about her.

Second type. Star. Such a mother simply needs the attention of the people who surround her. She tries to be perfect in everything. She creates dishes better than others. In the home, she always puts things in perfect order. She perceives you as a so-called showcase of her achievements. She constantly requires you to be perfect. You constantly feel like your parent is following your thoughts. If you behave or dress differently than she likes, she immediately begins to re-educate you.

What can be advised? Ask yourself what is your mom doing best? Perhaps she is an excellent specialist in her profession or is good at embroidering. Then you should draw the attention of other people to her skills as often as possible. Remind your mother periodically how your friends admire her. Then she will most likely begin to treat you much softer.

Third type. Sample. This type of mother always knows how others should behave. She teaches this to you, and employees at work, and neighbors, and friends. Your parent most likely uses the word "not accepted" all the time. She can tell you for quite a long time that you should not put your baby to bed late or go to friends without a spouse. In addition, she may constantly criticize you for wearing cosmetics. And there is nothing amazing in this. After all, your parent herself has always lived "according to the pattern."

What to do? To begin with, you should recognize that some of your mom's advice can be quite helpful. And if you disagree with something, then you need to ask her why she thinks so. If you're going to have your own way, let your mom know that you respect her opinion, but do it the way you see fit.

Hello! I am over 30, and I have had a problematic situation for many years - I cannot find a common language with my mother. She is over 50, already retired, the second child is disabled, she does not work almost all her life, she takes care of him - feeds, washes, etc. I work and pay utilities and food for everyone. She spends her small pension only on herself and often reproaches me that she had to spend something to buy something for her relatives. For large purchases (winter clothes, shoes, to do something in the house, buy), I insist that we, if possible, equally make a material contribution. She has an old suitor who sometimes helps out with the money. But it turns out that I pay for most of it. All my life it seemed to me that I was responsible in the family. Everything she ever received, she spent without accumulating anything, even if there was such an opportunity. By nature, I don’t like it when people don’t work, I consider it laziness, and if there are funds, I expect there to be a reserve for the next. month also. So calmer. She doesn’t like that I save something, I don’t give her a lot of money, everything that I give immediately goes somewhere for her personal needs, and not for food. I buy everything myself, if possible, we go to the store together. Recently (a couple of years) I have become the main earner - she quarreled with a fan, sits at home, takes care of her brother, and goes about her own business. Every month she is unhappy if I give her only a couple of thousand for personal expenses, she says that she should have money too. I say that I pay for food for everyone and utilities, for everything else she has a pension. I help with money for clothes. I don’t hear thanks and a simple “Thank you”, only reproaches that it’s not enough. I hear a squeezed out "Thank you" only when I ask for it. I can still put up with quarrels about money, but all my life I hear mostly nitpicking from her. It often happens that I am doing something, and I myself am in suspense, waiting for the next harsh word. I can't relax. I don't have a personal life. She was married, unsuccessfully - turned out to be a womanizer. Heartbreak, hopes, and several years of lack of faith that I can do anything in this regard and that personal happiness is possible. Now she has begun to recover a little, but there remains some anger at people that the one you love with all your heart can betray. The situation with my mother is tense - she may not talk to me for several days after a quarrel, in the end, after mutual insults (I ask you not to raise your voice at me, and let me make my decisions, she says that I can’t live on my own - "We'll see how you can live without me"), it comes to the point that she tells me to rent a separate apartment. By nature, I am afraid of loneliness, and there won’t be enough money if I rent an apartment, and even help her with money, although she says that she doesn’t need anything from me. As a result, the feeling of guilt that I am trying to drown out, I won’t be able to help her at all, she is my mother, I love her and wish her all the best, but I don’t know what to do next - how to live together. In constant tension due to reproaches ("I raised you, I gave you my whole life"). Recently she said that I lost my only friend and mother rolled into one. If there is a big quarrel with her - she is going to leave somewhere or tells me to move out, I begin to manifest VVD and. I ask her for forgiveness, I give money for clothes, relations are leveled off and my health is restored. I understand that this is a work in progress. I would like to improve my personal life, but I just don’t want to be with anyone, I want to be close to someone who is faithful and reliable, will not leave in a difficult situation. I don’t want to live alone, depression finds. The question is how to live on when there is very little hope for a personal successful life, and how to improve relations with your mother? I want a wider personal space, development, support from loved ones. I think she would be more self-confident and would receive more respect from everyone (including me) if she worked (she says she doesn’t want to and she needs to take care of her brother, although time for a small part-time job she did , but quit, she has) and there would be no reason to find fault with me on every little thing. Sorry if the presentation turned out to be chaotic, I wanted to sanctify all aspects of the situation. Sincerely, Evgenia

Evgenia, hello!
There is, unfortunately, one vicious circle in your history from which you cannot get out yet. And I understand why. Because there will not be such an ideal solution that "no one was hurt", "there is no need to quarrel" and that "there was no suffering and discomfort." Alas, but any EXIT from your situation will most likely contain both one and the other and the third. And you will either have to accept it (and help yourself cope with this discomfort and suffering, a psychologist can just help you here), or you will have to stay with what you have ...

I don’t want to live alone, depression finds.

This is where you should "dance". As long as you are dependent on your mother, there is nothing you can do about your relationship with her. As long as you are dependent - she will continue to manipulate you, continuing to use the lever known to her -

"Let's see how you can live without me"

She's sure you can't. Therefore, you can continue to twist your arms - your weak point is known and you can intimidate you with a request to move out indefinitely. As long as you're afraid.
From this follows the rest. If you are used to living in dependence, then you are trying to build personal relationships out of dependence. And then it turns out that you will not be able to build any other personal relationships, except for dependent ones. For a very simple reason - you simply don't have the experience of independence. Bye. But while it is not there, only men who are somehow prone to dependent relationships will still get into relationships with you. It can be anyone - addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex, gamers or just infantile men looking for a "mother" in a woman and believing that she, like her mother, will have to accept them with any tricks.
And other men - independent, quite reliable, well aware of what they want from life and ready to seriously lend a shoulder - also need a fairly independent and independent nature nearby. It is important for them that a woman knows how to say “no” in order to understand how to navigate in her. And you can’t really refuse - this follows from your description of the relationship with your mother.

You can't (yet) set your boundaries and outline the scope of your interaction with your mother ("here you can go in my life, but not here," etc., and keep this distance, not allowing you to get into your boundaries without your permission). And yes, it would be very difficult for any independent man to put up with a woman's insufficiently firm boundaries in relation to her own mother. Adult men want their own family, where both of them have priority - first of all in their family, and not in their parents.

Recently she said that I lost my only friend and mother rolled into one.

This is also a matter of dependency. Why don't you have other friends? Why don't you try to provide yourself with other social support besides your mother? The fewer steps you take into the world to other people, the more you depend on your mother and the stronger her manipulations will be.

I want a wider personal space, development, support from loved ones.

Of course it's natural. But you need to find these relatives! And for this it makes sense to take concrete steps.

I think she would be more confident and get more respect from everyone (including me) if she worked

But she doesn't want to. And even if you were right in your assumptions, she has her own choice: not to work and not want to. And you have a choice - to do something with the fact that mom is like that. For example, you have a choice - to support it or not to support it, to help in one way or another, to what extent, when and how, etc. Perhaps, including, she does not work and does not want to because she also has you. Why should she work if she will somehow "beat" you out of you in one way or another?
In fact, your mother is an adult and she is NOT your daughter. You don't have to solve all of her problems because you didn't make the decision to bring her into the world. She, as an adult, is responsible for her own life. If her choice is not to work, then she has the right to face its consequences in full. For example, that more in her life there will be no one who wants to provide for her. After all, these are natural consequences of unwillingness to work - have you thought about it?
Read this article, perhaps it will become more clear where the origins of such a dependent state are?

I am over 30, I can not find a common language with my mother and there is no hope for a personal life

Hello Anton!

Thank you very much for such a comprehensive answer. I am sure that there is a way out of every situation :) The main thing is really the development of a person. Thanks for letting me know what the problem might be. Indeed, I am prone to addictive relationships. She tried to please her husband, she always played "mother", taking care of him. I'll try to dig in that direction.

Indeed, when a person is independent internally, he will not tolerate when he is told what to do, will not accept it and leave such communication. You need to learn to live independently, without seeking approval from others, then you will not be able to manipulate.

I have already read the article about the relationship between parents and children, thank you! As I understood from your answer and article, you need to accept that mom (parents) is an adult, with her own weaknesses, and try not to take responsibility for her fate and protect her as an "adult", older person. Perhaps it is my behavior that contributes to her such an attitude towards me. Perhaps she herself is dependent on the attitude and approval of others.
I really thought what would happen to her if not me. Her parents tell her the same thing. For some reason, it's not going any further in development yet. Perhaps this is a comfort zone - it is comfortable to live like this, and you don’t want to go further.

I will try to find more information on this topic, and solve the problem of separating myself as a person and creating natural personal boundaries.

Sincerely,
Evgenia

I am over 30, I can not find a common language with my mother and there is no hope for a personal life

Hello Evgeniya!

As I understood from your answer and article, you need to accept that mom (parents) is an adult, with her own weaknesses, and try not to take responsibility for her fate and protect her as an "adult", older person.

You understand everything correctly. Moreover, I have a feeling that you had this understanding even before my answer)) But, probably, sometimes there are things that need to be heard specifically, and not just read in the article. Realize that this applies to YOU, and not you think, let's say. And so, this story turned out well for us.

Perhaps it is my behavior that contributes to her such an attitude towards me. Perhaps she herself is dependent on the attitude and approval of others.

Of course, addiction is not one-sided. The term "co-dependent relationship" (more accepted in psychology than just "dependent relationship") contains the depth of meaning - CO-dependent, JOINT-dependent. Always in any pair, both form addiction and both support it (more often, of course, unconsciously). But if one person begins to realize, then this someone can be the first to get out of addiction and help another to do the same (again, the other may not be aware, but he will still have to deal with his addiction if this rope stop holding the first one...)

I will try to find more information on this topic, and solve the problem of separating myself as a person and creating natural personal boundaries.

All information is within you. Only by looking into yourself can you understand what exactly does not let you go further, what exactly prevents you from starting to build your life, what exactly and why plunges you into depression in a separate life, etc. And it is quite possible to deal with all this, and then take concrete, actual steps.

Child's age: 18

I can't get along with my mom

Forgive me, I tortured you already with my mother. I'm just trying to guess her, the meaning of her name-calling to me in particular. About money. Here, as an example - now our new neighbors are doing repairs. We went to all the neighbors, asked their consent to cut pipes. In the end, some neighbors, like my mother, agreed. The locksmiths came and started working. As a result, the cost was estimated at 16 thousand. Today they came again - to change the batteries and strengthen the new toilet. The cost is 15 thousand in total. The result is a large amount. The question is: where did she get it from, if she kept telling me and continues to tell me that we are poor. Maybe I'm wrong, but does a poor person have 31 thousand for all these manipulations ??? Perhaps this is her way of raising her? That for strangers there will be at least 20 thousand, and for a native - with difficulty 300 rubles for pocket expenses. And one more thing: why during their work (both yesterday and today) she keeps me at home with her. For my ears and body and nervous system to endure this? I would like for the time of their work to offer my mother to go outside to play, not far, of course, so as not to hear or see it. But no, the mother says, what will she do with them alone? I can't have my own opinion with her. She does not recognize him, even when I have an opinion. Straight home North Korea and hyperactivity for a long time. And that's bad! Therefore, I want to go to my classmates to live, to her colleagues, even at work or stupidly on the street. Zapadlo fulfill my opinion or is it a special method of education from her ??? Explain! PS I'm not talking, of course, about 500 thousand or, God forbid, a million, no, this is for the oligarchs. I'm talking about the love of money and giving it to strangers absolutely! And when I myself get a job, sooner or later she will tell me to give a certain amount to her. And if I leave the city, they will call, and if I don’t pick up, so as not to hear the same thing: Where are you? Have you eaten? How without me? When will you arrive? What are you doing now? she can also involve the police in search of me. And what's next - to return to her with the police???

No wonder I whined about money and repairs. My mom got a cracked toilet. Cheated for money. My mother said that this was not her first failure in life, but numerical, and something tells me, not the last. I assumed that everything was going too smoothly. But no one is interested in my opinion, so get a "turd".

Now I have to say hello to locksmiths. With locksmiths, damn it! Because mommy said so. With whom else - can approach everyone on the street, and bow and say hello, directly to everyone. Even to migrants. Something new. P.S And what she requires, to help her, there is no desire. Not because I'm "not a man", but because if I do something wrong, name-calling and further down the list. Do I need it??? And to say hello to locksmiths - they are strangers to me and I don’t know them at all. And no, you have to say hello! Say hello to cats?

Daniel

Hello Daniel!

You and I have already talked, and I have already said that you need to talk to your mother and seek a face-to-face consultation with a psychologist. I understand your feelings, your need for support, but, unfortunately, an online consultation cannot be as effective as an in-person consultation with a specialist. Therefore, I, as a qualified psychologist, strongly recommend that you seek an in-person consultation with a psychologist or psychotherapist, tell what worries you, and solve current problems together at each of the in-person sessions.

I don't know you or your mom, I don't have the information, I can't hold your hand or even diagnose. I ask you to carefully read my previous answer and the answer of the psychologist who consulted you before me, and do everything as it was said. At the moment, I still see a lot of emotions on your part directed at my mother, but I don’t see work on myself. This work should be carried out only in the conditions of full-time consultation with a psychologist.

I advise you not to waste time writing letters to us, but finally seek help from a specialist, look for the true causes of the current situation and solve all the problems that bother you.

I sincerely wish you good luck and success. I believe in you, I hope that this time you will heed my advice. All the best!

Olga Dorokhova,
psychologist of the site "I am a parent"

Mom can swear at me and thinks it's right. Yes, I'm not an ideal daughter either, I can also raise my voice, be rude, but I don't always notice it. In our family, everyone is noisy, as if it is transmitted at the genetic level. But I will never allow myself to obscure my mother! I also often hear from her that I won’t get along with anyone, I won’t get married because of a complex character, BUT the bottom line is that my mother had 3 husbands and she herself didn’t get along with anyone. I agree that the men there were far from being gifts, but why does my mother tell me all this if she herself could not find a worthy man? She can also publicly say that I have the brains of a fifteen-year-old. Even if this is so, then why tell strangers that you have a stupid daughter? And also, when I go somewhere for a walk or to visit, they call me at 9 pm and ask when I will finally come. I always return home at a maximum of 11 pm, and then, I always call, I warn you not to worry. But she still screams and swears, saying how much you can hang around. And once I returned home at about 10 pm, but it was dark outside and I was a little scared, I called and asked my mother to meet me near the entrance, but they shouted at me and said that there was nothing to go in such darkness. Just where is the logic? If she's worried, then I think it's in her best interest to meet me. I’m also preparing to enter a university and go to tutors, and it happens that the tutor keeps me until late, my mother knows about this and I myself ask her to call me so that the tutor understands that it’s time for me to go home. But I can’t always answer the call right away, because. there is an active mental process, and my mother also knows this. But one fine evening, I answer the call from the third time and my mother immediately began to scream, saying how long you can sit there and the like. Naturally, the tutor heard all this and I was very ashamed. it was 10 pm on the clock, and I'm no longer 15 years old, and the tutor also lives a seven-minute walk from my house. In general, these screams and insults really annoy me. I want to talk to her, explain that I am not pleased and this is not entirely correct, but in the end everything turns into a scandal. And I often want some kind of support from her, because. I work for the first year after college and at the same time prepare for admission, I go to tutors in three subjects, for me at my age it’s hard .. out of habit .. and there is no free time. Of course, I am in nervous tension, I want to take a walk, unwind. and I see only work, tutors and a house with my mother criticizing me. In general, there are actually a lot of problems, you just can’t write everything here, but I hope that at least someone will help me explain this situation. I just don't like tension in the family and at home, and I don't want my mother and I to have a nightmarish relationship later on. In fact, I love her, she is a good woman, interesting, but unfortunately she absolutely does not hear me and does not want to hear. I am very sorry that she always rushes to extremes .. but for some reason I absolutely do not want to tell her anything, trust her.