The child will become an adult and an adult will have a skill. This difficult adolescence...

Not quite teenagers anymore, but not yet adults either. They are between 18 and 25 years old, living with their parents, studying or looking for work. Starting adult life, our children maneuver between the desire for independence and the need for security, they often know and can do more than we do, and at the same time they are still naive and helpless, ready to conquer the world and afraid to go out into it.

And we, their parents, daily answer a difficult question: how to guide a teenager without suppressing, how to prepare for takeoff, but to secure? And we doubt: is it so much now depends on us?

“It may seem that the children no longer need us, but this is not so,” emphasizes family psychologist Petr Dmitrievsky. “It’s difficult for them to get out of adolescence without the help of adults.” Sometimes it turns out that it is the parents who need their grown children. The relationships they (unconsciously) hope to maintain are often based on addiction and fear. In a world where human bonds are becoming less strong, children seem to be the only risk-free capital. They are ready for emotional, financial, economic assistance, if only the children would stay with them for as long as possible. And then they are perplexed: why does he not grow up in any way? Although it is obvious that a child in such a situation does not have any incentive to leave a cozy native nest and go towards the challenges of the outside world.

Seek a balance between risk and safety

We worry about our children, no matter how old they are, we want to protect them from injuries and mistakes. And there is a temptation to keep the child under your wing. Perhaps such guardianship reduces risks, but the price is too high, our experts warn. “Unable to take risks (within reasonable limits), a teenager becomes vulnerable,” says Petr Dmitrievsky, “because he cannot rely on his own experience of mistakes and overcoming, he does not learn to predict the consequences of his actions. His inner adult is formed more slowly or not at all because he continues to look at the world because of his mother's skirt. Psychologist Anna Tikhomirova clarifies: “In an absolutely safe situation, there is no opportunity to develop. As a result, already adults turn out to be incompetent: they cannot defend their rights and interests, build a hierarchy of values.” Thinking independently, making decisions and being responsible for them, respecting yourself and others - these are the main signs of maturity. Sometimes parents, seeing that the child does not want to grow up, abruptly change their strategy: “You are an adult, now go ahead yourself, and I wash my hands.” “If we didn’t teach a child to swim and suddenly threw him into the water, it’s irresponsible,” says Andrey Matveev, an adolescent psychologist. “Parents should gradually refuse to help, that is, not do for the child what he can do himself, but support him in those cases when he cannot cope on his own.” “You need to learn to trust a child,” says Anna Tikhomirova, “to believe that he is a worthy person and will cope with his life. Feeling that he is trusted, that his choice is recognized, the teenager begins to treat himself with respect and eventually matures.

Accept his choice

The ambiguous message received from parents often confuses children. They are told: “You are already an adult,” and in the subtext it sounds: “Are you sure that you are ready for adulthood?” And the teenager begins to doubt: did he calculate his strength? Peter Dmitrievsky believes that parents should ask their children the question from time to time: “Do you need my help?” This will teach them to value their own resources and feel safe. “Perhaps the teenager will refuse, but he will know that adults are ready to help,” emphasizes Anna Tikhomirova. “The main rule for parents is to keep in touch by all means.” But what about when the situation seems threatening, such as a teenager refusing to go to the doctor? “Pressure, coercion are no longer possible,” explains Pyotr Dmitrievsky. “All that remains is ‘excited reporting’: we talk about perceived dangers without hiding our anxiety.” But if he does not listen and act in his own way - well, this is his choice, experts emphasize. Our son or daughter has the right to dispose of their lives as they see fit. Even if we do not agree with their choice, we can only accept it.

To sign a contract

Older teenagers, as a rule, do not support themselves financially or do it partially; while they are studying, they are supported by their parents. For some adults, this means: I cry, which means I lead (control, decide). “But then you should not expect responsibility from the child,” Anna Tikhomirova objects. - It is necessary to negotiate with a teenager, establishing partnerships. We pay for your studies, and what are you ready to take on? Is it good to study, or just study and get a diploma, or sit with the youngest child, because we don’t have enough for a nanny anymore? What happens if I stop paying? What if you don't study? All this is important to pronounce and revise the contract from time to time. Petr Dmitrievsky clarifies: “You need to understand: the decision, for example, to study at a university is our joint project? Or maybe our personal, dictated by our fear (otherwise the child will end up in the army) or ambitions (in our family all candidates of science)? Then it is our investment in our own peace of mind.” It is important for parents to be aware of what is happening so that there is no risk of substitution: look how much I have given you, now you owe me. “In fact, we act as grant givers who can check the progress of the “work” from time to time and decide whether to continue funding or to suspend the project,” continues Petr Dmitrievsky. A teenager needs to understand that he is responsible for his obligations. And parents here will have to show goodwill, but at the same time firmness. But what about those who don't know what they want? “The best thing parents can do is give their child time,” Andrey Matveev is sure. “Although, of course, it’s not easy to leave him alone, gain restraint and not interfere when he starts to try, look for and do what he wants.”

Keep making rules

The parental home is not a strict regime boarding school for frivolous teenagers, but also not a boarding house where they come to have everything ready. Therefore, it is so important to establish clear rules for living together. For example, he undertakes to participate in housework, warns when he is late late, does not violate the routine of life in the house ... But we do not always have the courage to make the teenager observe these rules. “In our culture, it is customary to think that clarity, clarity of requirements are tantamount to cruelty, and love means the absence of boundaries,” explains Peter Dmitrievsky. “The youth of our children challenges this myth.” Living together with adult children does not exclude sanctions if they violate agreements. This helps them get back to reality, because teenagers tend to overestimate their maturity. For example, did he crash the parent machine? This means that he will pay for its repair or will no longer drive for some time. Some parents find it difficult to be consistent, they are stopped by fear: what if, by being tough, we spoil the relationship with the child? “If you talk like that, then you need to abandon the idea of ​​education from the very beginning,” Andrey Matveev retorts. - Because one of the tasks of parents is to disappoint the child. Initially, he comes into the world as an egoist. And if you indulge him in everything, nothing good will come of it. Peter Dmitrievsky recalls that a lot depends on our emotional message: “Relationships are destroyed if we act with hatred, anger. Another thing is when a child sees that we ourselves are sorry to take tough measures, that we do it with annoyance, sadness, but also with sympathy for him.

Celebrate key milestones

In modern culture, there are no initiation rites that used to mark the transition of a young man into the category of adults. Meanwhile, the rites of passage are very important for the development of children. Psychoanalyst Alain Braconnier invites parents to celebrate (with imagination) all the key events in the life of an adult child. Graduation from school, coming of age, getting a diploma and a driver's license, the first salary, an internship ... "Arrange a small holiday, accompanying it with words like this:" You have moved to a new stage of life, you are growing up. Such a symbolic milestone increases the teenager's sense of self-worth, even if he does not show it or laughs it off, and helps the mother and father to look at their son or daughter differently.

Good afternoon friends!

Many years ago we removed the TV from the house. We also don't have a radio.

True, there is the Internet) For children, it is with restrictions.

Why?
Because, having access to an uncontrolled flow of information at home, we adults did not have time to process and filter it - what is true, what is a lie - we did not have time to realize it.

And when you are told the same thing 100 times, you do not have time to understand - what are MY thoughts here. How do I feel about this?

What to say about our children.

What does it translate into practically?

Dima Zitser invites us to think about this.

scorched by the air

+ T-

In the teachers' course, they talked about compassion. And I suddenly felt with horror that this very concept had become blurred and amorphous. One of the participants said this: “I can’t feel sorry for everyone, it will burn me, I need to take care of myself!”

But after all, "take care of yourself" - just compassion, this is at least some guarantee that I will remain a person, that they will not turn me into a function. The functions, you know, are so easy to manage. There is only one lever left: on / off.

We offer children and ourselves a rational world in which all the answers are known: it was not necessary to do this and that - there would be no such result. He (she, they) are to blame! I had to work - I wouldn't have to beg. It was necessary to be silent - would have remained alive! This approach, which has already become mainstream, leads to soullessness, and then to final depersonalization. Without openness to other people's pain, we cease to be alive at all. And of course, we are then incapable of love, which is so costly. And even simpler - like this: we do not sympathize with others, which means we will never allow ourselves to feel ourselves. Smart talking heads of soulless puppets...

If you constantly train a person in immunity, sooner or later the result will appear. Here it is, this result: IT does not concern me. Nothing touches. And now the teachers, in an effort to explain everything, to teach how to live correctly, forget to simply regret. And at the same time, they believe that they know how it is to live correctly. The most terrible events in history began with the leveling of susceptibility to someone else's pain. Need to be reminded? I think you can do it yourself.

However, there is a natural continuation of this process of de-souling. Its direct result will certainly be unanimity, the division of people into friends and enemies. And at the extreme point, indifference paradoxically turns into frenzied hatred.

One mother turned to me with tears: “During a walk, my boy (8 years old!) Threw stones at the janitor, a Tajik by nationality. And in response to my cry that it’s impossible, that it’s called racism, he spread his hands: “Why? You can get into it ... I hate it! .. ”Yeah, you can get into it. And it's not even that he's a "stranger". And the fact that it is absolutely impossible to accept such a natural thought that we are talking about an ordinary person, a little different from dad and mom, in a state of a slumbering (carefully lulled?) soul. Such acceptance requires at least a minimum of moral action. And outside of it there are only two options: to hate or not to relate in any way.

How did it happen? What happened to a wonderful house boy from an intelligent family? And nothing happened. He simply inhaled the current air. I inhaled and accidentally picked up an infection ...

It's frighteningly easy to get infected these days. That field of tension, in which many of the children unwittingly find themselves, is not only harmful to the child's psyche - it can ruin their life forever. God forbid them to know and remember the terrible sweetness of hatred. And start judging the world by the presence or absence of black bubbling in your own chest. It is this virus that is dissolved today in the humid winter air. And the main symptoms of the disease are complete indifference and hatred - the simplest convulsive action of a sleeping soul. “There is no need to think - with us is the one who will decide everything for us ...”

We need a vaccine. And, fortunately, it exists, and was invented a long time ago. Her name is Doubt.

To doubt is to begin a long journey of independent research (it is no coincidence that dictators at all times fought so hard against the doubters in the first place). Now it is easiest to acquire the skill of such research, to engage in the formation of a personal attitude to what is happening. Material around - more than enough. Are you afraid to doubt? Yes, it can be scary, but it's better than dragging them into a muddy stream of like-mindedness.

Everything that happens around applies to our children no less than to us. And their position is no less significant. Therefore, we are obliged to talk to them, and about the same things that we talk about among ourselves. Let them become full-fledged participants in any conversation, let them express an opinion, let them argue. And we need to talk arbitrarily, regardless of whether we want it or not. After all, we are talking about medicine.

Now is the best time to teach them how to resist "emotion hooking" - one of the most nefarious types of manipulation, when anyone who does not exist in a state of suspended animation or hysteria of any kind is declared an upstart, an insensitive bastard or an enemy - depending on the situation. How to resist? For starters, just allow yourself to doubt, to ask at least one question.

Doubt also teaches us that every time we find ourselves on the side of the majority, we need to check whether everything is in order: whether we are not sleeping, or, conversely, whether we happened to be on the crest of a wave (I think it is unnecessary to recall that historically decisions the majority often led to tragedy, while the minority, accompanied by fears and doubts, ensured our moral survival).

And in short - like this: EVERYTHING that happens around concerns us! Everything is our business! Without exception. And we should talk about it with the children. When it's lazy, when it's scary, when it hurts.

Because "the soul, that's for sure, if burned - it is fairer, more merciful and righteous"

(Yulia Matveeva) For those adults who want to touch their soul. Stay. To treat her beautifully, I invite you to an art seminar in the Crimea.

There are very few places.)

Summer..

Crimea.. July

Tarkhankut peninsula…

What are we doing there?

We learn to relax….inhale-exhale….

Listen to yourself ... quietly, quietly ....

Notice the beauty around .... how beautifuloooooo ...

And once again quietly inhale-exhale ...

We will draw...

Let's go to the lavender field...

We will create beautiful things that will smell like lavender ...

And the sea will be very close to us

We will talk and enjoy the silence ....

We will dance and convey with movement what is in our hearts ....

We will tell each other fairy tales and parables.

Or even try to write them)

I invite you to!!!

And .. more options for how you can get to know your child better, how you can strengthen your relationship:

I invite you to share the summer with us)

Family camp "Laboratory work",

June 21-30, Belarus

Huge green area and all at our disposal!

Fairy houses)

HUGE lake

Experiments, research, a beautiful lake, Belarusian milk and cottage cheese (mmm) and our big and very interesting company.

Family Camp "Time Travel"

August 6-15, 2016, Belarus

Cartoons from scratch to the result.

Film studio and filming.

Script writing.

hike.

Fantasy development.

I can't get past my favorite topics - sensory integration and art therapy.

We will not only talk about these topics, but also plunge into them - we will draw, lie around, stomp

In addition, of course, and the parent program.

Time goes fast. Yesterday you proudly nursed with a stroller, and today you realize that your child has already received a kindergarten graduate diploma, and ahead is summer, after which (you understand with horror) - SCHOOL.

The beginning of the school period brings many organizational difficulties for adults, but it brings much more difficulties for your child. It may be unconscious for the child, but the change in the status of a preschooler to the status of a School Student is psychologically experienced very difficult. The little man must be prepared for this.

According to statistics, the amount of information received by a baby in the period from 0 to 3 years is equal to the amount of information that he will accumulate from 3 years to 60. But the concept of the primary volume of information includes the ability to walk upright, mastery of speech, the ability to hold a spoon, etc. Then the training period begins.

Psychologists insist that one of the most difficult, critical ages of a child is 6 years old, so no specialist will recommend sending a 6-year-old to school. But another year passes, and your baby is ready to move mountains in learning, cognition. The child is open to knowledge. Your task is not to frighten, to interest, maybe even intrigue your child in the process of schooling. Everything depends on you!

You can talk about the school as a social institution as much as you like, but I am firmly convinced that not a single school, even the most well-established one, will teach your child to LOVE the process of learning, recognition. This can be done only by you - parents, relatives, relatives. Your baby's attention is now mostly involuntary, arises without a predetermined goal and proceeds without volitional efforts - he remembers only what is interesting to him, new and unexpected. Do not miss the moment of interest of your why, try to answer all his "why", even the most stupid and strange, in your opinion. At the time of your answers to the child's questions, TRUST is born between the baby and the adult, which is very difficult to win in the absence of frank conversations.

I still remember the most difficult simple question that my 4-year-old nephew asked me many years ago: "Why is sausage called sausage?" How I wanted to simply and briefly answer "I do not know." (Please save yourself from such a mistake!) Then, full of self-importance, I began to talk about the emergence of words in "human language", and, having received a childish answer to a childish question, we talked about various things freely and on equal terms. Now, years later, my nephew says that you can ask me absolutely any question. I am proud of this and I try to communicate with my son in the same way - openly and on an "adult" level, sometimes switching to a "childish" language.

Your preschooler is looking forward to the moment of his "adulthood". And in this new - adult - life, "adult" attributes will be very important for him - a satchel, his own books and notebooks, a pencil case, some very important items for him personally. All things should reflect his new status - to be "adults". But at the same time, so that the things that accompany the child to a new stage of his life do not seem alien to the baby, they must contain something familiar from the world of "childhood" - be bright, funny, close to your child. Try to understand and please him.

But the most important thing is not the accompanying factors, but what happens in the inner world of a small person. In anthropology, there is a capacious concept of "rite of passage" (English rites of passage) - the transition of an individual into a new social category and the acquisition of a new social status. The mechanism of action of these rituals is due to the separation from the former environment and the gradual or immediate inclusion in the new environment. The future first grader is just a participant in the passage of such a ceremony. And it does not matter that there are no ritual dances and chants. The main thing is that psychological experiences have the same basis as then, millennia ago. The rite of passage provides for three stages: first, the initiate is separated from the original role, then a period of social timelessness sets in - he is no longer the same, but still not the one he is going to become. This stage can last a moment, or it can stretch out.

This stage is the most difficult for your child. The kid, as it were, is in a void, and if an adult person, by an effort of will, is able to persuade himself to wait, to survive, then for a child, the state of expectation is like a catastrophe. Such a moment can be filled with conversations with your child about HOW he will learn, a new game "to school" will help, in which you are offered the role of a teacher, and the child, respectively, the role of a student. It would be great to think over and create together with your child small family traditions dedicated to his becoming a schoolboy, entering "adult" life. You can come up with a School Entry Holiday, arrange a trip to a cafe or a field trip, prepare a "children's" party at home. The main thing is that the child himself should do the thinking and preparation - you trust him with adult work, because he has already grown up, has become even more responsible and serious. It is necessary to try to ensure that your child is looking forward to his transition to this new status, so that he remembers the Holiday, and not the difficulties. It is also very important that the child understands that the holiday of his growing up is a holiday for you - parents, family; that you are all very happy with the changes taking place in his life, that you are proud of the possibility of these changes. How you behave now depends on the attitude of the baby to the collision with difficulties and the ability to cope with them throughout his subsequent life.

Today's life is dynamic. We are constantly in a hurry somewhere, in a hurry. So let's stop and try to look at the world with a surprised and delightful look of your child. And then everything around will sparkle with bright colors of mutual understanding with your baby! And your smile will help support him in such a difficult moment. Smile at your Adult little man, and everything will work out for him.

Well, the first step has been taken. It remains only to go forward! Try to help your child so that he can grow up strong, free, comfortable in society and able to make decisions that are not aimed at the crowd, but at the cultural society. Only you can do it!

Evgenia Peregudova
Psychologist, teacher.

Useful articles

They avoid independence and do not want to grow up for many reasons, but our psychologists from the site identify five reasons:

First reason: children do not want to grow up, because their parents are too protective and take care of them (or even control them), but why be independent when everything is done for you and prompted what and how?

The second reason: the desire to remain a child for longer, the child resorts to blackmail and tantrums.

Third reason: a conscious desire to have everything done for the child by someone else.

Fourth reason: when a child consciously does not want to take responsibility for a committed act, it is easier for him to take the position of an innocent victim.

Fifth reason:the desire to be too loved, often the child begins to blame himself for some act, so that he will be pitied.

All these reasons will be considered today in sufficient detail. You can learn about how to deal with child behavior, especially when you have to teach a child to be an adult, but he resists.

1. Avoidance of independence.

When you control your child too often, it can inevitably cause problems in the future. Perhaps you think that cold control over your child is accustoming to discipline, obedience and doing things perfectly, but here you are wrong, this leads to the child's inevitable denial of his independence. Let's find out how it works. If the child is often controlled, then one way or another the child will be in a state of constant fear of making a mistake. Do you know how scary it is to make a mistake and fall out of favor with those who are so important to you?! It is very scary that it is better to shift the responsibility for making decisions to someone whom the child considers smarter. (and it’s good that if it’s a brother or sister, and if there aren’t any!?). This leads to the fact that gradually, when the child grows up, he turns into a "professional receiver of advice", there are a lot of such clients, they constantly ask, but do nothing about their problems. And advice is asked not from one psychologist, but from several at once.

Finally, such a person (perhaps your grown child) convinced that titanic efforts should be made in solving his problem, he simply postpones solving the problem. On a children's example, it looks like this: a child comes with a request to help do homework, in the end, you do homework, and he only asks what and how. If you hear from your child any doubts about his abilities: “What if I can’t do it?” know, it's time for you to change the tactics of education and the first advice from psychologists from the site: praise more for what the child can do at least a little, do not be too strict with the child, do not demand that he do something perfectly.

Understand learning is absolutely impossible. If someone were perfect it would be an absurd person. If you decide that you are not coping well with upbringing, then Our psychologists will talk with you and your child. In this case, the psychologist will solve with your child the problem of the consequences that the child's actions bring and the consequences of the mistakes made, which the child is very much afraid of.

2. Loss of control.

When a child begins to hysteria, to return to uncontrollable forms of behavior that you noticed in him at the age of 2 or 3, you get scared, in a sense you yourself also lose control over yourself and the situation. You scold or hit the child, but then feel guilty about what you said or did. In any case, this does not affect the learning to be an adult of your child in any way, but only aggravates the situation.

You see, a person can allow himself destructive behavior and "crazy" behavior only when he wants to implement it in conditions suitable for him. For example, even when your child shows uncontrollable anger and aggression, blackmails or the child runs away from home. Surely you have never been ready for this? Why is the child doing this? He does this because he does not want to do something himself, it is easier for him to get you to do it for him in such ways. This is purely childish behavior.

Can you remember when the baby cries until you feed him. But now, your child is no longer a year old, he may be 7 or 9 years old, but he uses very old behavioral complexes in order to "get", what he needs. And very often such manipulative behavior is carried over into adulthood and family. The only thing that will be deprived of a child who loves to manipulate his parents in this way, and then his own (his) spouse (gu)- a full-fledged close relationship built on sympathy and mutual respect, receiving in return a relationship built on fear of his uncontrollable ways of behavior. Do you think the child likes it too? No, sooner or later, as a teenager, he will ask a psychologist a question: how can I deal with my anger, emotions, how to find a common language with a girl ... and the like.

Therefore, the second advice from psychologists from the site is:

Provide freedom of choice: "What do you want?". Ask the child's opinion: "What do you think about this?". Do it more often! Involve your child more often in solving family difficulties and show and say that in order to solve the problem you need to talk, and not show violent emotions, that everything can be solved by agreement and come to a certain compromise.

If you are, then the work will be carried out both with you and with the child. The psychologist will show you exactly where you are amenable to manipulation. A psychologist will help your child develop more mature ways of resolving conflicts and contradictions.

Blaming others. The position of the innocent victim and self-accusation.

What is blaming others? This is the transfer of responsibility for their failures and mistakes to the external environment. Perhaps if you noticed in your child that your failures (bad grades, loss, trouble with other children) he tries to soften by ascribing his share of the responsibility to others. Why is the child doing this? He does this because he is afraid to experience guilt, but by doing this the child does not make himself better or more mature, his ineffective behavior in solving life problems remains.

Tips from psychologists from the site: every time remind the child about what role he "plays" in a particular event, hold him accountable for his actions and words.

Let your child do things on their own more often. Try to notice where something really depends on the child, and where it doesn’t, it will be a good upbringing of responsibility for one’s own actions so that the child does not take responsibility for others.

We hope that this article and the tips contained in it helped you understand how to proceed with your children.

For the successful development of the child's psyche, his abilities, it is necessary that the baby feel confident, not be afraid to prove himself, his abilities, strive for the best, be open and honest. Insecure adults most often grow out of insecure children.

Self-doubt is an underestimation of one's own capabilities and abilities.

Self-confidence is an important quality for a child, which indicates that he values ​​himself, is responsible for his actions, and is ready to cope with life's problems. Developing confidence in a toddler needs to start at an early age. This personality trait continues to develop throughout life. Any child can become confident, regardless of gender and age.

Notes of uncertainty can be seen in the child not immediately, parents are not always able to recognize the situation when the child already needs help.

People who constantly experience indecision, doubt themselves and their abilities, feel significant difficulties in life, it is more difficult for them to achieve significant success, they constantly try to get approval from the outside, they cannot understand what they want.

That is why it is so important to eradicate the emerging feelings of insecurity in your child as soon as possible.

How to know if your child is confident

Observe and think about how the child behaves at home, in kindergarten or school, with peers.

If a child speaks quietly, even if the situation does not require it, often bites his nails, straightens clothes for no apparent reason, licks his lips, then these are minor signs of indecision, insecurity and complexes.

Here are some more signs of insecure behavior:

• the child looks away when talking to a person;
• trying to get away from the adult's answer;
• too distrustful, irritated in the presence of other people;
• often angry with strangers;
• afraid of not coping with the instructions of an adult and does not want to take responsibility;
• afraid of difficulties and always chooses easier things;
• panics before doing new things;
• has a number of fears and even phobias;
• shy to meet and communicate with new people;
• has no opinion of its own;
• writes and draws very small, slightly pressing on the pencil;
• sometimes shows aggression and misbehaves for no reason;
• stoops.

If at least some of the listed signs appear in your child, then you should start working on your own mistakes in upbringing and be sure to develop self-confidence in your child.

Often insecure shy children are able to show irritation towards pets and loved ones. Having matured, such children understand that they have not achieved anything in life, they demonstrate evil towards others, blaming them for all the troubles.

Svetlana Voitenko, child psychologist: “Self-confidence is a very broad concept. Its development is facilitated by a positive vision of the world, self-respect, stable self-esteem, faith in one's capabilities, etc. Self-confidence is formed, first of all, by parents, proper home education. Of course, relationships with peers, adults and the school atmosphere in general are also important. If a child has problems at school, it is worth talking to the teacher or the school psychologist.”

If a child grew up insecure, he may have the following traits:

• isolation;
• lack of sociability;
• timidity;
• blind imitation of a confident child;
• difficulty in establishing contact with strangers;
• low self-esteem;
• retardation, stubbornness.

Where Does Uncertainty Come From?

The most common cause of children's insecurity is the upbringing and treatment of the child in the family and its immediate environment. Even the most loving parents sometimes make the mistake of believing that they are acting in the best interests of the child. Consider the main factors that affect children's determination and confidence.

Parents are insecure people themselves.

The way the baby's parents look at the world and at various situations also depends on his own worldview and behavior. If a child is endlessly told: “It’s better not to take it, and suddenly you will lose”, “And if it doesn’t work out, what then”, “Don’t go in, otherwise it could be worse,” then in the understanding of the child such standards of thinking become commonplace. He decides that for his own safety, in order not to look stupid, to avoid losses and punishments, it is better not to take on any business,.

Indecision is not inherited, but it can sit very deep in the subconscious. The kid, projecting the behavior and words of his parents, reduces his self-esteem, considers inaction the best choice.

Moms take note!

Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me, but I’ll write about it))) But I have nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too ...

Therefore, even if you are naturally shy, indecisive people, try not to show these qualities of yours, do not tell your child that he can fail, because he is not strong and smart enough. On the contrary, try to generate initiative in the child, the desire for something new.

If parents are too self-confident, consider themselves the most intelligent and skillful, do not tolerate challenging their actions, then the child grows up unable to make independent decisions.

It has been noticed that the first-born in the family often suffer from low self-esteem, have more problems in communicating with others than their younger brothers and sisters. The fact is that when the first child appears in the house, parents experience a lot of worries about him. Adults' anxiety about how they cope with their parental responsibilities is transmitted to the child.

Constant criticism, comparison, punishment.

If you constantly criticize the child, ignore his achievements instead of praise, condemn the choice of the child, do not appreciate his friends, forbid a lot, demand the perfect execution of everything that the child undertakes, you will inevitably cultivate in him a sense of insecurity, fear to take on any significant business.

Breaking into a cry, often punishing the baby, you contribute to his isolation, alienation, kill self-confidence and good relations between people. Frequent fear, coupled with regular intimidation, has the most negative effect on the child's psyche. Comparing him with others, assuring that there are stronger, smarter, more beautiful, you lower his self-esteem. A child can easily become isolated in his feelings and fears of being a failure, and as a result, stop developing normally as a person, in adulthood he can’t arrange his personal life, can’t build a career, still considering himself unworthy and incapable.

Realization of your unfulfilled dreams, plans and desires.

For example, my mother wanted to become a famous musician all her life, but because of her first love, she abandoned music school and forever parted with her dream, and later with her first love. Now the mother, without realizing it herself, decided that her child simply needed a musical education, and sent the baby to learn to play, for example, the violin, not taking into account the lack of desire and aspiration of the child. Dad in childhood was offended by strong healthy guys, and now, he insists on boxing and martial arts for the child.

When choosing a child's path through life, think about whether you are projecting your own desires, whether you take into account the abilities, inclinations and aspirations of the baby.

Failures in social life.

Getting into a children's team, first a kindergarten, then a school, the child learns to be aware of himself as a person, individuality, looking for ways to interact with peers. Therefore, failures and blunders in communication, falling into “the wrong company”, mockery and ridicule of enemies, non-reciprocal love, etc. are strongly hyperbolized by children, causing a sea of ​​​​experiences. If the family does not help the child survive their problems in time, they can provoke the development of self-doubt.

Not meeting standards.

The world around us imposes a lot of stereotypes and standards on us. Sensitive children's psyche is very susceptible to criticism about appearance, nationality, religion. The desire to become like everyone else erases individuality, and the desire to endlessly change appearance, hide far-fetched figure flaws, causes a lot of complexes. Without the support of loved ones, these complexes will only grow.

In no case should you insult and humiliate a child, allow other people to do it. Tell your child often that you believe in him and love him very much!

If you are a truly loving parent, then you will certainly find an approach to the child, correct or avoid mistakes in upbringing and relationships. Your love and desire for the best will overcome your child's insecurities.