Child sexual development: what is “normal” and what is not. What to do if a child witnesses parents having sexual intercourse

No one is immune from such a piquant situation. In the conditions of a common space, the probability of such a case is very high. And it is better for parents to think through the algorithm of their behavior in advance for such a delicate case.

It is very important to explain to the child what he saw, truthfully and taking into account the child’s age. React calmly, because the child “reads” your state. And she may be struck not so much by the fact of what she saw as by your violent reaction to this event. In a family where love and trust reign, all moments of crisis pass in less pronounced forms.

Second: don't try to kick your child out the door, but don't scold him

Aggression on the part of parents is an inadequate reaction. And such a reaction only aggravates the child’s experiences. The child should not be left alone with his impressions and guesses.

Third: you need to immediately calm the child

After all, he may get the impression that adults are fighting, fighting, or something like that. The child may get scared and cry. Therefore, it must be said that no one here does anything bad to anyone. Explain to your child that you and dad love each other very much and enjoyed each other.

Make a comparison between your love and your love for your child. You also caress and hug the child. But do not forget to voice the difference between showing the best feelings for a child and existing between spouses.

If you have to get dressed, do it naturally. As if you were just about to take your clothes.

Fourth: Talk to your child about sex right away.

Be positive and truthful. No excuses like “don’t pry your nose in,” “you’ll find out everything yourself when you grow up,” and no fables about a stork or cabbage.
Such words only confuse the child and give him grounds for various suspicions and guesses. For children over 4 years old, such excuses can provoke deliberate peeking at parents or other adults.

This conversation is a good opportunity to give the child positive attitudes about family, about the beauty of the relationship between a man and his wife, focusing on Love! True information about sex and relationships between men and women will strengthen your friendship and trust in children and will not allow the “street” to distort such important information.

For children under three years old, it will be enough if you tell them that you love each other very much, that’s why they were loving and hugging each other. Here it is useful to remember when and at what age such relationships become possible.

It is also in your power to lay down a positive and healthy model for experiencing the feeling of love for the future. Tell your child that when she grows up, finishes kindergarten, school, university, and starts working, she will also definitely meet a person whom she will love very much and marry (get married) to her.

And in order to feel the warmth and love of a dear person, you will occupy and caress each other, as we do.
It is better for children aged 3.5-4 years and older to talk about intimate relationships in more detail. Because it is after 4 years that children begin to actively become interested in the genitals.

Usually such “research” takes place in kindergartens, and parents cannot control this in any way. Therefore, by this time it is better to form in the child a natural understanding of his body, of his origin.

Here it is recommended to use scientific names, concepts (for example, all boys have a penis, and girls have a vulva, a child is born through the vagina), etc.
Fostering a sexual culture in the future will be the key to rejecting vulgar street language. A confidential conversation with parents about sexual relations using scientific terms is like a certain vaccination for a child against unhealthy and increased sexual interest.

This interest is also weakened by boys and girls being naked together until the age of five.

Therefore, when telling older children about a piquant situation, focus on love and remind: “Dad and mom love each other very much, and in order to show their tenderness and affection, they hugged and caressed each other. They love each other and you so much that they want our family to have many loving children. Dad planted seeds for mom so that from them, like seeds, a child would one day be born. Just like you were once born (born). But nature works in such a way that not every seed grows into a plant. Also, not every seed produces a child, so they plant a lot of them.”

It is important to use similar words in conversation (seed-pome, child-plant) and later you can add schematic drawings, scientific names of the genital organs.

But do not overload your child with detailed information. Children have imaginative thinking, so it is better to later conduct a visual experiment by actually sowing wheat seeds in a pot with the child, for example, and showing how individual seeds germinate or do not germinate. It will be truthful and interesting.

Try to see the positive in any situation, no matter how difficult or piquant it may seem. Then it will be easier for you to cope with the situation, choose the right words and, by your own example, teach your children to look at the world positively and kindly.

You chose a time when the children were fast asleep, put a musical night light in the nursery, covered your mouth with a pillow, but still, at the most inconvenient moment, the bedroom door opened and a curious head poked its head in... Shock, shame, fear. The romantic mood was gone. And now what i can do?

First you need to understand: is it so traumatic for a baby to see parents making love? Does this always affect the child’s psyche?

PROBABLY YES IF:

The parents reacted too emotionally to the birth of the child.

PROBABLY NOT IF:

the baby did not see anything that could frighten him; he is less than 3 years old;

The parents reacted gently and did not draw the baby’s attention to what they saw.

Possible consequences:

The child will perceive what is happening as an act of aggression and violence on the part of the father (dad beats mother, hurts her). In this case, the baby will be afraid of dad and worry about mom, will try not to leave them alone, and may react aggressively to any manifestations of dad’s love and affection for mom.

If the baby is severely scolded for breaking into the room, this may cause the development of neuroses.

If the baby becomes fixated on what he sees and constantly thinks about it, he will probably begin to reproduce this scenario with toys or other children.

How to react correctly?

Maria Epikhina, family psychologist:

A child under three does not need to explain anything, just switch the conversation to another topic and turn it into a game. The main thing is not to scare a preschooler by shouting to get out of the bedroom. It’s better to ask him to bring something and get dressed at this time, and then tell him that mom and dad were resting and giving each other a massage. Is your child interested in the process? Offer to give your baby a massage.

Older children should be reminded that lying together and kissing is what people who love each other do. And that this is normal.

If you see that your child is excited and scared, give him more of your attention on this day, hug him and talk about your love for him. It’s better if dad talks to the boy, and mom talks to the girl.

And most importantly, you should never blame yourself. Sex is normal; over time, your child will also appreciate its charms and, even if he remembers this episode, will think about it with a smile. Besides, if you didn’t make love, then there would be no one to burst into the room...

Happy children grow up in families where parents are not shy about showing feelings for each other.

EVERYTHING IS AN ADULT LIKE
“Hello, dear “Sloboda”! Recently my younger sister came to visit me with her husband and three-year-old son Antoshka. I was amazed that my sister’s husband constantly hugs her, sometimes kisses her right in front of Antoshka. And the boy, when he sees what dad is doing, is here he runs to his mother and shouts: “Mommy, let me kiss you too! I love you too!" My sister thinks that this is normal. But it seems to me that this is some kind of depravity! What will grow out of this child? I have a 6-year-old daughter. So my husband and I never allow ourselves any tenderness in front of the girl Write down which one of us is right? Antonina M., Kireyevsky district."

With this question, we went to the Chance Center for Social and Psychological Assistance to Youth. From a conversation with psychologist Natalya Sorokina, we learned 3 basic rules of behavior for parents of children...
1. BE NATURAL...
How can a child know how loving people should treat each other? Only from you, dear parents! Why do many mothers and fathers feel free to swear in front of the baby, call each other names and insult each other in every possible way, but consider kissing shameful? When mom and dad watch TV, hugging each other, or kiss each other while going to work, they set an example for the child: “Look, we love and take care of our family. There is peace and love here.”
2. ...BUT DON'T SCARY THE CHILD
A baby up to one year old has a great fear inside him: one day his mother may disappear. After a year, it begins to seem to him that his mother will not only disappear, but that something will certainly happen to her. If at this age he accidentally sees his parents having vigorous sex, the baby may be very scared! He will perceive everything as a struggle, a fight, and the role of the aggressor in the child’s mind is assigned to the father, and the role of the victim to the dear and beloved mother! The consequences of this fear are very different. In the future, an adult may develop a fear of sexual relations, and it will be difficult for him to build his own family.
Therefore, the most intimate side of the parental relationship should be closed to the child. It is useful to teach your baby to knock on the door from a very early age before entering his parents' bedroom.
By the way, knock in response when opening the door to the nursery. Well, what does it cost you? And the baby will understand that everyone in the house has their own territory, where outsiders are prohibited from entering.
There is nothing shameful in telling your baby that mom and dad need time alone.
3. DON’T STREAM INTEREST IN YOUR INTIMATE LIFE
Dad tries to kiss mom, and she coyly turns away: “Well, not in front of the children, right...”
- Rest assured, dear parents, if your daughter hears her mother’s words: “Wait until Masha falls asleep,” Masha will not sleep all night! - Natalya Sorokina laughs. - You yourself artificially fuel the child’s interest in your intimate life. “That means I’ll fall asleep,” the curious Masha thinks to herself, “and here they will do something incredibly interesting, adult and mysterious! No way! I need to know everything too!” And that’s it, goodbye, married nights full of love.

TEENAGER CAN'T STAND TENDER SCENES
"I have a 10-year-old girl. Lately she has been acting strangely. As soon as my husband kisses me, she defiantly turns around and goes into another room. We have never noticed this about her before. How should we behave? Irina, Tula ".

This reaction of a teenager to his parents’ kisses can be explained by various reasons, says Natalya. - Firstly, the girl may feel that her parents pay too little attention to her. They are always busy with themselves, but they have no time or affection for their daughter. Secondly, for some reason she may consider sexual relations to be something dirty. And he doesn’t want to watch his parents doing “dirt.” In any case, you should come with your daughter for a consultation with a psychologist.

COUNTRY OF SOVIETS
HOW TO ACT IF A CHILD SAW...

HOW DO YOU MAKE LOVE
Don’t waste time finding out why and how much the baby was scared! Gently calm him down and distract him. Do not blame or reprimand in any way. If this happens at night, put the baby to bed. If during the day, keep him busy with something interesting.
The baby will be quite satisfied with the explanation that it was a game. Please note: for his peace of mind, it is necessary that in the following days he sees only warm relationships between his parents.
The main thing in such a situation is not to “burn” with shame, frantically trying to cover up, but to behave at ease, pretend that nothing terrible happened. And then this incident will not leave a trace in the child’s memory. Especially in those families where children have seen kisses and gentle touches from their parents more than once.

...YOU NUDE
For example, the baby looked into the bathroom while we were washing. In this situation, it is important that he does not feel any tension or insincerity in his behavior.
If you scream and cover yourself with a towel, it will surprise him: why was mom so embarrassed? That's shameful? This is bad?
It's better to act as if nothing happened. Tell your child to close the door because you are cold, and finish washing.
In families where children of different sexes grow up, children quickly get used to the fact that boys are different from girls. Everything is also smooth in families where the child has the opportunity to learn that mom is different from dad. And for this he does not need to peek! Everything happens in natural conditions: in the bathroom, on a wild beach, before bed, in a bathhouse, etc.

...EROTIC SCENE ON TV
You should have changed the channel earlier, but now don’t fuss. It is possible that this scene will not make any impression on your child (your children, by the way, are much more “advanced” than you think!). And if your child starts asking questions, don’t dodge. Answer honestly and to the point. Just don't go into details!

"SLOBODSKAYA" COUNCIL
Moms and dads! Sex life doesn't end with the birth of a child! Find time that no matter what you will devote to each other. The best way out: find an assistant to whom you will “rent” your child for a couple of hours. These could be your parents, nannies or friends you trust.
This, of course, does not mean that you need to completely abandon your child for your partner - children often become “difficult” precisely because of a lack of love. But you shouldn’t turn into a “mother hen”.

Sex is an activity for adults; the presence of children in this intimate process is absolutely unacceptable and unhealthy. Even for teenagers, accidentally seeing a scene of parental passion will be unpleasant, and a small child can even receive serious psychological trauma. However, situations when mom and dad are having fun, and at this completely inopportune moment a third, completely superfluous and dumbfounded observer appears - their child, still happen. Psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva told the portal how to react correctly to parents if a child takes them by surprise.

Sex is…

In order to behave as appropriately as possible in such circumstances, a man and a woman should first of all decide what sex is for their couple: a manifestation of love and affection for each other, a way to get pleasure, or, ultimately, a healthy physiological need for adults . In any case, sex requires the most private atmosphere, so before you engage in it, it is important to think through all the little things in advance (they will be discussed at the end of the article).

But what should parents do if they did not take precautions and the child accidentally saw something that was not intended for his eyes? Psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva advises...

Don't be angry with the child!

Most often, a child witnesses an intimate scene between parents for one of the following reasons:

• the door to the parents' room was open or unlocked;
• the child was busy in another room, but for some reason beyond the control of the parents decided to visit them;
• the child was attracted by sounds coming from the room with his parents;
• the child was sleeping, but unexpectedly woke up for the parents;
• the child suddenly returned home, and his parents were not expecting him.

In any case, it turns out that it was you who behaved improvidently, without taking care of a safe and private place and time for intimate communication, or selfishly, by ignoring the possibility of the sudden appearance of a child who is in the same territory with you. The child has absolutely nothing to do with it! Therefore, being angry with him at such a moment is completely unjustified.

Calm, just calm!

In a delicate situation, it is important to remain calm and calm. Just stop the process and cover yourself. There is nothing reprehensible about having sex for parents: it is a normal adult need and a way of obtaining pleasure. So behave accordingly. It is very harmful to shout: “Get out!” or “Look away!” You will scare the child, and he will definitely think that he saw something scary and bad.

Don't fool your child

Don't freeze and pretend to be asleep. If a child is surprised by the unusual and unnatural position in which the parents supposedly sleep, he will inevitably have “interesting” questions (Why did dad climb on top of mom? What if he crushes her? Why did they suddenly fall silent, although they were making noise recently?). And it’s not a fact that your offspring will ask them to you - there is a high probability that he will be “enlightened” by more advanced peers and older comrades. As a result, he may have a wrong idea about sex.

It’s also better not to tell your child that you “played like that” (he may be offended that you didn’t invite him into your company) or fought (he will worry about the imaginary conflict between his parents and may come to the conclusion that he should protect one of the parents). “And in general, dear adults, lying to a child is to your own detriment,” notes psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva.

Answers after questions, but not instead of them

Pay attention to the child's reaction, his facial expression, and behavior. Maybe, due to his age, he did not understand anything or did not have time to consider it? Then, for example, just throw on some clothes, kindly ask the baby why he came to you, and take him to the nursery. Behave naturally! If the child does not ask questions, looks completely calm and is indifferent to what he sees, then there is no point in explaining anything. Take an interest in his condition and needs. So, if the child is scared and crying, hug him and say something like this: “Everything is fine! Mom and dad are fine. And we want you to feel good too.”

Tell the truth that the child can understand

If what he sees somehow bothers the child, he will most likely ask you the appropriate questions himself. Running away from the answer is a losing tactic: the baby may suspect something is wrong. It’s better to tell him that mom and dad did gymnastics for adults - with its help, adults express love for each other and have fun. To prevent your child from being jealous, remind him that you love him too, only love for children is expressed differently. And that children also have many ways to have fun: for example, eating ice cream or watching a cartoon. This way you will also distract his attention from a sensitive topic.

An older child needs to be explained that it is important for parents to sometimes be together just the two of them and show feelings not only for him, but also for each other. Therefore, the parent's room is the personal space of adults, and before entering it, you need to knock on the door and ask if it is the right time for a visit. (By the way, a teenager should have exactly the same rights and know that parents, for their part, respect the boundaries of his own territory.) In conclusion, politely ask what your child really wanted from you.

Be careful in future

Next time, try to prevent all possible scenarios of unwanted guests appearing, and provide yourself with reliable conditions for privacy. For example, make love when your child is not at home, or at least 10 minutes after he falls asleep. Close the door to the room where you decide to retire, at least for the duration of your intimacy. If your child is in the apartment with you, do not make loud noises or mask them by relaxing under the shower in a locked bathroom.

“Even as parents of several children, remember that sex life is very important for a couple. Therefore, try to regularly find time and place to be alone with each other,” advises psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva.

Interviewed by Irina Bareyko

Valeria Chumakova |

03/20/2015 | 46547

Valeria Chumakova 03/20/2015 46547

A child went into mom and dad's bedroom to talk about a nightmare and saw his parents having sex. What to do in this delicate situation?

Basically, parents try to protect their child from “intimate” information for as long as possible. But “glitches” often happen - a child unexpectedly catches his parents during sex.

Don't panic! We analyze the situation from a psychological point of view and competently get out of the situation.

Your strategy will depend on the age of the child. But most importantly: stay calm, even though it is not easy.

If a child sees the angry look of his father, the frightened mother and hears screams directed at himself, he will decide that something really bad happened in the bedroom.

A 2-3 year old baby saw sex

• A small child under three years old most likely will not understand what is happening. He might think it's a game:
• parents tickle each other and have fun (this is a positively colored state);

parents fight, offend each other (this is a negatively colored state). Your task

- determine which state the child is in at the moment.

If he thinks that you are just playing, smile, confirm this, tell him that you will play with him too. At the same time, send him to the room (for a toy or something else) so that you have the opportunity to get dressed. Then play with your child a little or read him a fairy tale, demonstrate that nothing unusual happened, and put the baby to bed.

Show that you are having fun, otherwise it was just a game. Talk to your baby in a calm, even voice. He must understand that parents will not offend each other. After this, you can take the child to bed and read a fairy tale.

When turning the situation into a game, emphasize that you and dad play the same games as with the child, so that he does not come to you every night hoping for “unusual” fun.

A preschooler aged 4-6 saw sex

At this age, children already understand a lot. They should be told “half-truths”: explain to the child that you and dad were just hugging and kissing. This is what all people who love each other do. In confirmation, you can kiss or hug your child so that he feels your good mood.

The next morning, carefully ask the child about his “nightly adventures” and what he saw. If the child is frightened, for example, by sounds and groans, explain that this can be from pleasure, there is nothing wrong with that.

Do not forget that a 4-6 year old child needs to explain the reason for what is happening so that he really believes in it. Otherwise, the child will ask questions to you or someone else, or will start peeking, trying to figure it out on his own.

And in general, from this age, try to adhere to the position of personal space for everyone in the family. For example, do not enter your child's room without knocking if the door is closed. Learn to respect the personal space of your son or daughter, then the child will do the same: when he sees the closed door to your bedroom, he will knock first.

To prepare the ground for a conversation with your child on intimate topics in the future, now you don’t need to lie about what you saw, but you shouldn’t reveal all your cards at once either.

A child of primary school age – 7-10 years old – saw sex

Children at this age already know the nuances of relationships between men and women, so when they see their parents having sex, it will be impossible to reduce the situation to “cuddle games.” If you are caught in a piquant moment, try to remain calm. Ask your child to return to his room, get dressed, and get ready to talk.

The main thing is not to scream, not to make claims to the child (“I told you to go to bed!”, “Why are you walking around in the middle of the night?!”, etc.). You should be calm, because for the child it is no less stressful than for you.

A conversation is necessary so that the child does not develop unpleasant feelings towards his parents, anger or fear. Start by asking what your child knows about sex. You can correct and complement his ideas about sex, and it is also worth emphasizing that this happens between loving people, while they kiss and hug.

It is worth considering buying a book for children about relationships between men and women. There is a lot of such literature on sale now (it can be useful both for you to choose the right phrases when communicating with a child, and for educating your child). The main thing is to carefully review the contents and illustrations, leaf through the book and check the authority of its author so as not to purchase dubious reading material.

Don't stop your child from asking questions. Let him better learn the answer from his parents than from someone on the side.

Your main task: calmness, not an ounce of embarrassment or shame. Also, the child should not see that, for example, you are uncomfortable or unpleasant talking to him on this topic.

Calmness and conversation from the position of a kind teacher in the area of ​​relationships are your main helpers with your child at this age stage.

A teenager 11-14 years old saw sex

During adolescence, children often hear a lot about sex. However, it is one thing to hear or know that “someone is doing this” and quite another to catch your parents doing it. Teenagers are very emotional, and such a situation can lead them to a state of embitterment, rage, jealousy, or, on the contrary, depression and despair.

Your task is to establish contact with the child, regain his trust, emphasize his importance to you, explain that he is already big and what he saw is absolutely normal for loving people.

Don’t choose the “did something happen?” strategy. and do not hide your eyes from the child because he saw everything and understood everything. Behave as naturally and openly as possible towards the teenager.

Also an important point and a good reason would be a frank conversation about serious topics of puberty, sex, relationships, etc. However, not from the “child-parent” position, but rather as equals.

You need to return the child to emotional balance with your support, sincerity and openness. The best strategy in this matter is a friendly conversation.