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Cruel husband. tough man

Good afternoon.
and I understand your condition very well. It's yours and his..
Do you love each other - rather yes, and let it be both a habit and affection, etc., etc. love is different after all ..
I will try to describe in turn and as a whole. I may be wrong - but you need to correct where necessary.
Your communication is broken .. You each have your own business .. he has business and support, and you have the back side - his rear .. and with all his invisible front and coverage - men perceive everything that is done - all the amenities and when everything is stable - which is nonsense and of course .. but they don’t even suspect that they are successful precisely because of such irreplaceable comfort .. it can be easily bought with money - nannies, cleaners .. - but it smacks of barracks .. there is no soul there .. although he may not notice it .. Mother because mother, wife - as something given, comfort as a situation .. your husband has become, alas - callous enough - he was hardly like that .. Yes, it seems to me that it is inapplicable to give him to read .. - although will he accept the branch of the conference and will he even notice in a pile of his Important cases and papers ..
now, alas, he forgot - that life is long and one day, very imperceptibly for himself, he will also become old .. and that his daughter will perceive - as something alive - like a piece of meat and still living .. what might be. calls, from another resort or friend ... in my opinion it's terrible - to be unnecessary to children .. yes, it's clear - life, affairs, worries - but, to be called around for show .. well, in general, I think everyone is quite able to understand about than speech...
Yes, this scraping is, of course, tragic for you, because now you are somehow more than usual - vulnerable and want sensitivity .. you say that everything else is fine with you .. you lack sensuality and understanding from him - it is analogous to him - he tells you - you are not interested in photography, diving, and probably even that and that .. it seems to me that it is already necessary to look at it in a complex way. what prevents you from being interested in all this, maybe. you are overburdened with solving everyday issues. so hire nannies and other employees .. leave something pleasant for you - communication with your mother-in-law and parents and a child .. he will definitely not help you here .. you have the same requests - and everyone is waiting for a step from the other. do it gradually - because you can combine .. you know your unsuccessful pregnancy - alas, a consequence of your relationship. I am not a prof. in this, but I heard from a psychologist that every woman can get pregnant and endure, I understand that there are age limits .. but something bothers and scares you .. maybe just what you described - fear .. this is the work of a psychologist. .you can just begin to understand and be interested in what he is interested in .. after all, this will also benefit you .. swimming, diving, och. relax and bring the body and nervous. syst. in order and balance - maybe that's why your child's body dropped - so that he would be born a little later, but in a healthy environment and body?
and talk to your husband again, only in a calmer tone, and tell how lonely and sad, painful and hard you were - and what exactly you wanted from him. Are his deeds really that important? Is health and support more important? how much would he have lost - postponing business for 3 hours and being with you. yes, it would not be necessary to decide and give the TsU, yes, I would just hold your hand and warm it with a warm look .. your husband does not yet understand that it is you who are his rear and spiritual basis. Of course, I admit that he himself is all on a perch and will easily change everything and everyone - according to the principle there are no indispensable .. - but this is hardly the case - because. inside we all want warmth and affection .. just waiting for it from others ..
and now your husband is hiding this need for work and hobbies .. well, you are similarly in other worries ...
turn to each other and start giving - without expecting a return - just this is love - giving - without demanding in return ..
you most likely have a harmonious family and relationships, only you both stopped noticing in the race of the day and life that there is nothing more precious than just mom and family .. - relationships and sensitivity ..
and there will always be deeds, papers, worries and problems, they replace each other - so are you, adults and smart and wise, ready to replace children and parents with them. paper - they smolder .. memory and warmth remain in generations ..
I don’t know if I was able to convey the meaning that everything is fixable, I don’t know how you will perceive it - you just know, you have now felt sorry for yourself, I have you, and now let’s go to Life. where are they - mother-in-law, parents, children and even a husband - without you in any way. let your work not be seen and imperceptible. he is in demand, he leaves a greater mark in the souls of people.
good luck to you.
02/21/2008 12:47:53 PM, even longer.. :)

Thank you! you are right in a lot of ways. Yes, we have broken communication. It is quite true that he takes all comfort for granted. And although I personally do not wash the floors (there are housekeepers, nannies, drivers), but I manage them all. And believe me, this is not easy.
You are absolutely right about your daughter! when I explained to him why I needed to go to the hospital for my mother, I said that God forbid our daughter, then in the same situation she would offer him to catch a taxi. He said nothing ... he went for his mother.

"there is nothing more precious than mom and family .. - relationships and sensitivity .." that's what I'm trying to convey to him! I, too, have a mouth full of worries, but I have not lost my soul in all this life. It’s just that I feel very bad mentally now ... and it hurts, but there is no support and there won’t be: (During the holidays I will “get together” and continue to live. Just now my daughter from school called to find out how I feel. But she thinks that mom just got sick. And he never!! And no meetings and affairs can justify this. And after all, he will come home tired and bring food and cook something delicious from my favorite dishes .. and keep secrets with his daughter about suitors .. .sensitive father and caring husband... 02/21/2008 13:22:23, Author

Hearing about how charming an abusive man can be (or having experienced it for yourself), women are completely at a loss. They ask, “So there is no way to avoid an abusive relationship? How do I know what to expect from my boyfriend? Luckily, most abusive men give warning signs before their abusiveness is in full swing. These signals should be known to every girl.
QUESTION 8: HOW DO I KNOW IF THE MAN I DATE WILL GET ABUL? The following warning flags mean that violence is on the horizon, or perhaps very close:
♦ He speaks disrespectfully of a former partner.
A certain amount of anger and resentment towards an ex is normal, but beware of those who are too focused on their resentment and those who start talking about it unacceptably early on dates. Be especially alert to men who talk about women from their past in a demeaning or arrogant manner, or who identify themselves as victims of female abuse. Be on the lookout if he says that his "ex" made a false accusation of abuse: the vast majority of reports of abuse are true. When you hear that another woman thinks he is abusive, find a way to get her perspective on the situation. Even if you don't believe her, at least you'll know what to fear - just in case. Also, be careful of men who admit to abusing their ex-partners, but assure that such were the circumstances, blame women, or cite alcohol or their own immaturity as the reason.
Be wary of men who say you're not like other women they've dated, that you're the first one to treat him well, or that other women didn't understand him. You will be tempted to redouble your efforts to prove to him that you are completely different from "others" - and you are already trapped with one foot. It will take a little time before he declares that you are "the same as everyone else." His perceptual system ensures that no woman can be good if she is in a relationship with him.
Some men take the exact opposite approach, elevating and glorifying their past partners so that you feel like you're no match for them. If he laments that you are not as sexy, athletic, economic, or successful as the ones before you, I can assure you that you will not be valued higher later, no matter how hard you try. He wants to feel an advantage over you so that he can always be the master of the situation.
Pay attention to whether he takes any responsibility for what led to the collapse of the previous relationship. If everything has always been the fault of women, you will soon also be blamed for all the problems that he will have in your relationship.
♦ He is disrespectful to you.
Disrespect is the soil in which cruelty grows. If a man humiliates you or despises your opinion, if he is rude to you in front of strangers, speaks with sarcasm, he shows disrespect. If this behavior is repeated or if he defends him when you complain about it, control and cruelty await you in the not too distant future. Disrespect can also take the form of idealization, putting you on a pedestal as the perfect woman or goddess. At the same time, you are treated as, say, with an expensive porcelain vase. A man who worships you in this manner does not see you. He sees his own fantasy, and when you can't live up to it, he can become disgusting. Thus, there may be little difference between a man who speaks down to you and one who elevates you. Both demonstrate an inability to see you as a real person, which does not bode well.
♦ He does you favors you don't want or shows you a show of generosity that makes you feel uncomfortable.
These may be signs that the man is trying to make you feel like you owe him. My client Alan, for example, spent a lot of time in his first two years with Tori helping her brother fix a car, her sister fixing up an apartment, and driving her father to the doctors. When Tori's family began to worry about how Alan was treating her, he was able to convince her that her loved ones were taking advantage of him, and now, "when they no longer need my help, they want to get me out of the way to get you back" . Alan succeeded in making Tori empathize with himself and in doing so, drove a wedge between her and her family. Tori could not see these manipulations for a long time.
Robert combined these two warning signs: He told Lana that his ex-wife had falsely accused him of physical abuse in order to prevent him from seeing his children. He said, "If a woman asks for supervised visits to her father, the court gives her that right automatically." Lana cared about Robert with all her heart. But something made her worry. First, one day Robert called after a snowfall and offered to clear the driveway out of the garage. She replied, “No, please don’t,” because she wasn’t sure how serious her feelings were and didn’t want to give him hope. Returning from work that day, she saw a cleared path. Then, by coincidence, Lana's friend was divorcing her abusive husband, and Lana learned from her that the court required strong evidence of physical abuse in order to decide on parental visitation supervision. She seriously considered what Robert's ex-wife might tell her.
♦ He controls.
At first, it can be extremely pleasant for you to be around a man who takes responsibility for making decisions. Here is a typical partner story of one of my clients:
...
The first dates were exciting and fun. He came to me with plans for the whole evening: "We'll go to the Parker House for a drink, then there will be dinner at a Chinese restaurant, and then I bought tickets to the comedy club." Everything went according to plan. At first, I liked the way he planned our leisure time. But then I began to notice that he rarely pays attention to what I would like to do. We continued to go with him to places he liked to go, for example, to hockey. I'm not against hockey, but it's not my main interest. After a few months, he started getting annoyed when I wasn't in the mood to do what he wanted.

Control usually begins imperceptibly. He drops comments about your clothes or appearance (too sexy or not sexy). Speaks somewhat negatively about your family or about one of your girlfriends. Starts to pressure you to spend more time with him, or quit your job, or find a job that pays more. Begins to give too much advice about organizing your life and shows signs of impatience if you do not follow his recommendations. Or he shows concern because you do not share his tastes in everything.
♦ He is possessive.
Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs that cruelty is coming your way. Ownership masquerades as love. A man might say, “I'm sorry I got mad when I saw you talking to your ex-boyfriend, but I've never been this crazy about a woman before. The thought of having another man next to you is unbearable.” He may call five times a day to check on your activity or insist that you spend every evening with him. His feelings towards you are probably really strong, but that's not why he wants constant contact. He watches over you, in essence representing you as his property. Depending on what kind of friends he has, he may also be trying to impress them with the way he holds you in his arms. All these actions come from possessiveness, not from love.
Jealousy and jealous behavior are not the same thing. A man with inner insecurities may indeed feel anxious about your interactions with other men, especially with an ex, and may want reassurance from you. But if his behavior indicates an expectation that you will give up your own freedom in order to appease his jealousy, you are in danger of severe control. Your life should not change because of his insecurities.
Jealousy can be flattering. It's nice to feel like he's madly in love with you, that he wants you so badly. But a man can go crazy for you without being jealous. The possessive attitude suggests that he loves you not as an independent person, but rather as a protected treasure. Over time, you will begin to suffocate from his boundless vigilance.
♦ He is never guilty of anything.
He blames something or someone for everything that goes wrong. Over time, his accusations are increasingly directed at you. Men of this type also tend to make promises that they do not keep. He constantly spits out a stream of excuses for why he has upset you or acted irresponsibly, and is likely to exploit you economically.
♦ He is self-centered.
In the first few months of a relationship, the egocentricity of an abusive person is not always obvious, but there are symptoms that you may notice. You should be wary if he talks more than the rules allow, and chronically turns the topic of conversation on himself. Egocentrism is very difficult to change, rooted either in a deep position of high empowerment (in violent individuals), or in severe childhood emotional trauma (in non-abusive individuals), or both (in narcissistic abusers).
♦ He abuses drugs or alcohol.
Be especially careful if he pressures you into taking alcohol or drugs with him. Psychotropic substances by themselves do not cause abuse, but often these things go hand in hand. He may hook you into believing that you will help him get clean and sober: alcoholics and drug addicts are always in a "I'm going to quit" state.
♦ He puts pressure on you to have sex.
This is of great importance, but especially in the case of teenagers and young men. Not respecting your desires and feelings about sex indicates an exploitative propensity that is often accompanied by abuse. It is also a sign that he sees women as sexual objects rather than people. If he insists on sex as your proof of love, give him a resignation.
♦ He moves into a serious relationship too quickly.
Because too many men are so afraid of commitment, a woman may be relieved to find a partner who isn't afraid to talk about family. But be on your guard if he starts planning a future together too quickly, without giving himself time to get to know you better and become closer. This may mean that he wants to quickly pack you up and hide you in his closet. Slow things down. If he does not respect your desires, you are likely to face problems ahead.
♦ He bullies you when he's angry.
Bullying, if unintentional, is a sign that emotional abuse is on the way—or has already begun—and that physical abuse may follow over time. Any of the following should cause you anxiety:
He gets too close to you when he's angry, puts his fingers in your face, pokes at you, pushes, blocks your way, or holds you back.
He tells you he's just "trying to get you to listen."
He swings his fist, looms over you, yells at you from above, or does any other action that makes you flinch or feel fear.
He makes hints like "Don't make me angry" or "You don't know who you're hooked up with".
He starts driving recklessly or increases his speed when he is angry.
He hits the wall or kicks the door.
He throws things even if they don't hit you.
The closer your relationship with the bullying man is, the harder it is to get out of it. Unfortunately, many women believe the exact opposite. They think, "Okay, sometimes he scares me a little, but I'll wait and see if it gets worse - I'll leave him." But getting away from someone who has begun to intimidate is much more difficult than many people think, and more difficult every day. Don't wait to see what will happen.
♦ He demonstrates double standards.
Beware of men who have a different set of rules for their behavior and for yours. Double standards are an important aspect of living with an abusive man (see Chapter 6).
♦ He treats women badly.
At the beginning of a relationship, a man may say that he looks at you a little differently than at women in general, but such a difference will not last long. If you are a woman, why would you associate with someone who perceives a woman as a being of a lower order, stupid, insidious, fit only for sex? He will not be able to forget for a long time that you are a woman.
Stereotypical beliefs about a woman's gender role can also contribute to the risk of abuse. If he is convinced that a woman should take care of the house, or that his career is more important than a woman's, this can be a serious problem: he may put pressure on you if you refuse to live within his restrictions. Women sometimes find it difficult to find a man who has no prejudices about the female role, especially in certain cultural or national groups, but trying to find such a man is essential.
♦ He treats you differently in front of strangers.
Adult abusive men have a habit of putting on a show, treating their partners like gold when someone is looking at them, and reserving all their cruelty for moments when no one sees it. Abusive teenagers often behave in exactly the opposite way. He can be rude and cold to her in front of others in order to impress his friends on how "bossy" and "cool" he is, but becomes considerably softer in private.
♦ He is attracted to vulnerability.
One way this warning sign manifests is when men are attracted to women much younger than they are. Why, for example, would a 22-year-old man take care of a 16-year-old girl? Because she excites and provokes him? Obviously not. They are at different stages of development, with a radical discrepancy between the levels of knowledge and experience. He is attracted to power, and he is looking for a partner who will look at him with adoration and allow him to be a leader. Of course, he usually tells her exactly the opposite: he wants to be with her because she is unusually mature and extraordinary for her age. He may even compliment her on her sexual prowess and say that she has a lot of power over him, setting the young victim up so she can't figure out what's going on with her. Many abusive men are attracted to women with less life experience, less knowledge and self-doubt - even without a chronological age difference - who will look to a man as a teacher or mentor.
I have had many clients who were attracted to women who were vulnerable because of a recent traumatic experience in their lives. Many of these clients began by helping the woman end her relationship with her abusive partner and then began to control and abuse her themselves. Some seek out women who have had a difficult or abusive childhood, have health problems, or are suffering from a severe loss and present themselves as a savior. Be wary of men if they seem to be attracted to a power imbalance.
At the same time, many abusive men do not feel much attraction to vulnerability or helplessness in women. They are more drawn to the strong and successful. Violent men of this type feel like they have caught a big fish if they can lure an established, confident woman into their nets in order to dominate her.

In the process of professional psychological diagnostics of future intelligence officers, it turned out that 70% of those entering the FSB Academy had a high level of sensitivity and vulnerability, which would have been impossible to determine right away: a strong-willed look with a touch of arrogance and the absence of any emotions on the face. Do they really go to scouts to compensate for their femininity? It became interesting to me where the roots of this inner vulnerability grow, covered with external arrogance and steadfastness. Why are these strong and attractive men courting women so beautifully and confidently, but always leaving women first? So, I sat down with books and scientific literature (there was no Internet then), and began to conduct consultations.

No wonder they say that we all come from childhood: at the age of about seven years, a child already distinguishes one sex from another, and erotic pleasure, sexuality and love are all the same for him. So if he happened to experience any kind of rejection from his mother, he will take it as a betrayal. The child from this moment decides that he will control all his feelings. He does not let them out and does not let them in. He freezes.

Subsequently, it can be difficult to find out how it all began, so you can turn to those life situations that took place during your school years. If a child has experienced rejection or betrayal, do not hesitate, this is a man with a tough character.

To give in, to start releasing feelings out again - this is an impossible task for a person with a tough character. He does not want to relive what has already happened once. Here lies the fear of the pain of rejection, of a new betrayal. And to achieve the desired, such a person uses manipulation and other workarounds. To achieve honesty and openness from him, in my opinion, is not possible: be it business or intimate relationships.

If you understand what kind of person is next to you and accept him into your life, you also accept his rules of the game. A man with a tough character is very complex and demanding. He constantly strives to draw you into the competition, demonstrates his superiority and will not tolerate if you put him in a ridiculous light. He feels contempt for his sexual partner, although, of course, he hides this fact both from himself and from those around him. This is easy to notice if you listen carefully to what a man says about women: “These creatures…”, “All of them…” and so on.

Forbidding himself to feel because he was once betrayed, the tough character associates love with pride. And if his pride is hurt (for example, he was denied sexual intimacy), he can act very cruelly in revenge. For the same reason, he is the first to leave women. Beautifully caring, falling in love with herself and firmly believing that he enjoys being in her company ... suddenly, for no apparent reason, just so as not to remain abandoned himself.

However, people of this nature have a huge amount of energy, they are able to literally charge everyone around. Developed strong-willed centers allow them to achieve almost everything in life and inspire other people to achieve. So being close to such a man is really interesting. But building a serious relationship with him, a relationship with an eye on family life, is a difficult task and requires real dedication.

Do abusive men have a split personality?

Basically no. They are interested in control and power, and part of their efforts in this direction is to create an attractive image in public. The charm of abusive men keeps their partners from asking for support and help, because the woman feels that people will find her revelations implausible and blame her. If friends accidentally overhear him say something offensive, or the police arrest him for assault, his previous efforts to please people become the basis for exonerating him from liability. Observers think, “He's such a nice guy, he just can't be aggressive. She must have really offended him."

The nice guy guise worn by violent individuals helps them feel they are right. My clients say, “I get along with everyone but her. Ask about me - everyone will say that I am a calm, sane person. This she goes into a tailspin." At the same time, he uses the problems that she has in relationships with other people, and many of them can be created by him as additional evidence that she is the person with problems.

I, as a consultant, had to struggle to resist the charm of violent personalities. When they chat and laugh in class, their rudeness and selfishness seem to disappear. I often wonder the same as the neighbors wonder: can this guy be disgusting? And even after he admits that he can, in this still hard to believe. This contrast is a key reason why abusive men can continue to do what they do with impunity.

Among my clients were doctors, including two surgeons, a host of businessmen, including owners and directors of large companies, about a dozen professors, several lawyers, a well-known - and with a very soft and pleasant voice - a radio host, representatives of the clergy, and two very famous sportsmen. One of my clients volunteered in the free kitchen every Thanksgiving for 10 years. Another was an employee of a large human rights organization. Who could believe that these people are capable of such cruelty and destruction!

These men diligently hide their cruel side from the outside world, but there is one situation in which they give themselves away: when someone opposes their cruelty and takes the side of the offended woman. All of a sudden, the attitudes and ways they usually reserve for the house burst out. The vast majority of women who talk about being abused are telling the truth. I know it's true as violent men lower their shield with me, exposing their false negatives.

Reality #8: He thinks his actions are justified

A few years ago, one of my clients stated, "I'm here because I beat my wife." I was impressed with how he understands his problem. However, the following week he softened his words to "I'm here because I'm abusing my wife." And a week later I heard: "My wife thinks that I treat her cruelly, so I got here." After a few weeks, he stopped coming, having provided himself with comfort through self-justification.

Abusive individuals take responsibility for their own actions outside by assuring themselves that their partner is forcing them to behave violently. Each of my clients has predictably used one of the following ideas:

She knows how to piss me off.
“She wants me to explode, and she knows how to do it.
“She's gone too far.
“Human patience is not limitless.
“Did you expect me to let her trample me?” What would you do in my place?

Many clients express guilt and remorse when they first come to counseling, but when pressured into looking at their history of behavior, they become defensive. It doesn't take much for them to say, "I know what I did wrong," but when I ask them to describe their verbal and physical attacks in detail, they fall back on the position that these actions are justified.

Violent men are masters of self-justification! In this respect, they resemble alcoholics and drug addicts who believe that everyone and everything is to blame for their actions, except for themselves. If they don't blame their partners, they blame stress, alcohol, a difficult childhood, their children, their boss, or their uncertainty about the future. Moreover, they consider themselves entitled make excuses. When I tell them that other men under the same circumstances do not resort to violence, they tend to get angry or show contempt.

Does this mean that violent men are psychopaths who lack shame and conscience? Usually not, although I have had a small number of cases (about 5% of clients) that have. Most violent individuals There is conscience when it comes to their behavior outside the family. They are ready to answer for their actions at work, in a club or on the street. However, in the house their position of high authority takes over.

An abusive man is usually sure that he can blame his partner for any mistakes and failures, not only in their own cruelty. Has he just experienced a disappointment? It's because of her. Is he embarrassed by his mistake? She should have prevented it. Is your child having a difficult time? She is a bad mother. It's someone else's fault, and that other person is usually her.

Reality #9: Abusive People Deny or Downplay Their Abusiveness

I happen to work in the context of lawsuits against perpetrators of domestic violence or child abuse. Judicial officials often say, “Well, she accuses him of abuse, and he denies everything,” and refuse the process, as if the man’s denial of the charges closes the case! Or, "He says she does the same to him, so I think they're abusing each other." This kind of male denial and cross-blaming says nothing about how true the woman's accusation against him is. If a man is cruel, he Necessarily will deny it, partly to protect himself, partly because his perception is distorted. If he was willing to take responsibility for his actions with his partner, he wouldn't be an abusive person.. Breaking through denial and downplaying is one of the most important tasks of an abuse counselor. Most of the men in my groups acknowledge some violent behavior—although they certainly don't consider it violent—but reveal only a small fraction of what they actually do, as I learn from conversations with their partners.

When an abusive man denies an incident immediately after it happened, his partner's head may spin. Imagine a woman who wakes up in the morning feeling her soul turn up from a disgusting scene that happened the night before. Her partner makes a face when he sees her in the kitchen and says, "Are you in a bad mood today?"

She replies, “What the hell were you thinking? You called me a loser in front of the kids, and then you pulled the towel off me so they laughed at me. And you want me to happily chirp after this in the morning?” – “What are you? he gasps. Well, you are an artist! Yes, I was at the other end of the room when your towel fell. Are you going to blame this on me? You're crazy! And he walks away shaking his head.

A woman may feel like she is losing her mind - sometimes she does - if the obvious realities of her life, including abuse, are regularly denied by her partner. The confidence and authority of his voice, his bewildered eyes make her doubt herself: “Was it really? Maybe it wasn't. Maybe I'm overreacting to innocent things." The more serious incidents he denies, the more she loses touch with reality. And if people from the outside begin to notice her insecurity, then the abusive man can use their observations in order to convince them that her revelations about his abuse are pure fantasy.

Partners of this type of abusive men ask me: “After the incident, it seems that he truly believes that there was no abuse. Is he deliberately lying? As a rule, yes. Most violent men have good memories. He probably remembers exactly what he did, especially after the recent incident. He denies his actions to close the discussion, because he does not want to be responsible for his actions, and perhaps wants you to feel frustrated and feel like you are going crazy. However, a small percentage of abusive men—perhaps one twelfth—may have psychological disorders, specifically narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, in which they literally block awareness of any negative behavior. One of the signs that your partner has this disorder is that he does the same thing with other people. If his denial and insanity is limited to only you or situations that are relevant to you, he is most likely just cruel.

Denial and downplaying are the most destructive patterns of behavior, whether you're an alcoholic, a gambler, or a child abuser. Abuse of women is no exception.

Reality #10: Abusive men are possessive

My new clients often look quite puzzled by what's going on, as if I was giving a seminar on edible plants and they were in the wrong audience. They can’t wait for the opportunity to speak, jump up from their seats and rush at me: “But these are our wives And girls. Are you saying that someone else can dictate to us what to do in a personal relationship? As they say this, they smile or shake their heads slightly, as if sympathizing with my stupidity. They think that I somehow missed the fact that this their women.

Ownership is one of the reasons these men's cruelty tends to increase as the relationship becomes more serious. The longer the history of relationships lasts and the stronger the devotion, the more the abusive man begins to perceive his partner as a trophy. Ownership is the basis of the psychology of a cruel person, the source that feeds all other streams. On a certain level, he feels that he owns you, and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.

QUESTION 6: WHY IS HE SO CRAZY JEWAL?

For many abusive men, possessiveness takes the form of sexual jealousy. Men of this type closely monitor all acquaintances of the partner, expect her to report her whereabouts all the time, and periodically lash out at her with accusations, like Fran (see chapter 1). I note: most often the accusers are those who themselves change. Ownership and a position of entitlement make the abusive man think that he is allowed to have connections on the side, but she is not.

An equally important reason for the exceptional jealousy displayed by so many abusive men is the desire isolate your partner. In Chapter 1, we met with Marshall, who did not believe his own hysterical accusations that his wife was unfaithful. So what drove them? An abusive man who isolates his partner does so mainly because he:

1. wants her life to be completely focused on his needs; he feels that other social contacts take away her time from him, and he does not perceive this as her right;

2. does not want her to have sources of strength that can feed her independence; this is often not entirely conscious, but on some level, abusive men are aware that a woman's social contacts can give her the strength and support that will ultimately help her escape his control (remember the case of Dale and Maureen from chapter 1?); an abusive man usually seeks to completely subjugate his partner in order to increase his strength.

Such a position in life leads the cruel person to a tendency to perceive any relationship of a partner - both with men and women - as a personal threat. You can try to solve this problem by endlessly convincing him of your love and that you are not going to cheat on him. But this does not weaken his efforts to isolate you - after all, he is not so worried about the fact that you will sleep with another man, but the loss of control over you.

Jealous claims and isolation are just one form of possessiveness. Some abusive men do not control their partner's communication, but their deepest attitude is "you my, and therefore I do with you what I consider necessary ”- manifests itself differently. If your partner's sister criticizes him for bullying you, he might reply, "It's none of your business what I do with my girlfriend." If you have children, he may begin to treat all family members as if they were his own property. His anger can increase menacingly when you try to break off relations with him. Keep the word in mind own, and you will begin to notice that many of your partner's actions go like horses in the belief that you belong to him.

Violent men can have any type of personality, their childhood could be both good and bad, they can be macho or sophisticated "liberals". No test can tell the difference between an abusive man and a trustworthy man. Violence is not the result of emotional trauma or lack of development - it grows out of a child's early upbringing, depends on his key male role model and the influence of his peers. In other words, cruelty is a problem values and not psychology. If anyone questions life position or beliefs cruel personality, he, as a rule, shows his arrogance and aggression, which he usually hides, leaving for attacks on his partner. The abusive person tries to keep the attention of everyone - partner, therapist, friends and relatives - on what he feels so that they do not delve into what he thinks, probably because at some level he understands: having understood the true nature of his problems, you will be out of his control.

♦ The basis of cruelty is in the worldview and value system, and not in feelings. Its root is possessiveness, its stem is the position of empowerment, and its crown is control.
♦ Abuse and respect are two opposites. Cruel men cannot change without overcoming their fundamental disrespect for their partner.
♦ Abusive men act much more consciously than it might seem. However, even their less conscious actions are based on their value system.
♦ Violent personalities may, But do not want be non-violent. They do not want to give up power and control.
♦ You are not crazy. Trust your perception of how cruel your partner treats you and thinks of you.

Part II. Cruel man in a relationship with a woman

Chapter 5

I don't understand what went wrong. We were so close.

“I don’t know if something is broken in him or in me.

“He really cares about me. He wants us to be together every second.

– My friends complain that they can't see me at all.

The Garden of Eden is what I call the beginning of a relationship with an abusive man. The first few weeks, months - and even longer - a woman is in the clouds. Remember Kristen

And The Maurys we met in chapter 1? Maury was dazzling - fun, interesting, energetic - and Kristen was smitten. What she liked most about him was that he was crazy about her . He sought her greedily, it seemed that he liked absolutely everything about her.

And he can't get enough of her. She felt like she was in the top 40 love songs, where "everything turned blue and green." This pattern of events is typical of abusive relationships. An abusive man is often unusually good at the beginning of a relationship and can make you feel perfect. special and chosen - as if you were the only one in the world who had ever meant so much to him.

But not every abusive man rushes headlong into a relationship like Maury. Fran (see chapter 1) was quiet and withdrawn at first, and Barbara wooed him. She was attracted to him for his softness and sensitivity, as well as the exciting task of making him open up. What a triumph it was when she finally achieved it! Sadness and distrust corroded his heart, and she saw it, but she also saw herself - healing him, like a caring sister of mercy. She was happy in her certainty that she could bring out the real person he was capable of becoming.

The idyllic beginning is characteristic of almost all abusive relationships. How else would abusive men even find partners? Women are not stupid. If you go to a restaurant on a heady first date and after dessert a man calls you a "selfish bitch" and throws a glass of water across the room, you won't tell him, "Listen, how about next weekend?" Definitely need a hook. Very few women hate themselves so much that they will date a man who is rude on the first date, although they may feel terrible about themselves later when the abusive man has had time to destroy their self-esteem step by step.

The power of those beautiful early days

The partners of my clients have told me of many ways to turn the glowing beginning of a relationship with an abusive man into a trap for a woman. In particular:

♦ Like any person in love, she told everyone close to her what a wonderful guy he was. After praising him, the woman is embarrassed to talk about his mistreatment of her, so she keeps it to herself for a long time.

L. Bancroft. “Husbands are tyrants. How to stop male cruelty

♦ She believes his cruelty is happening because of some disturbance in him - what else can she conclude, especially since he was so wonderful in the beginning! – so she goes off trying to figure out what happened.

♦ She finds it hard to let go of her own dream as she thought she had found a great man.

♦ She can't stop thinking about what she did herself something is wrong or she has some serious personality flaw that destroyed their castle in the air, so she tries to find the problem in herself.

QUESTION 7: WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP IS JUST BEGIN AND HE'S STILL SO GOOD, IS HE ALREADY PLANNING TO BE VIOLENT LATER?

This is the question I hear most often: when an abusive man is so charming, is he already thinking about how he will bully her? Does he plan all of this? Is he deliberately hooking her up emotionally so he can be rough with her afterwards? Usually not. An abusive man does not picture himself yelling at a woman, humiliating her, or throwing heavy objects at her. Falling in love, he, like a woman, dreams of a family paradise.

Then what is going on in his brain? Firstly, he looks longingly into the future, where a woman satisfies all his needs, so beautiful and sexy at any time of the day or night, where she has no needs of her own, and she bows before his mind and charm. He longs for a woman who will serve him, who will never complain - no matter what he does - and cloud his life with her disappointment or dissatisfaction with her own life.

An abusive man does not betray these selfish fantasies to his new partner. Yes, he is largely unaware of them himself. Therefore, she has no way of knowing that he is looking for a servant rather than a partner. In fact, during the dating period, the abusive person tends to use the language of reciprocity:

“We are very suitable for each other.

– I want to be with you all the time.

– I'm ready for anything for you.

– Now you can leave your job to finish your studies, and we will live on my money.

– I will help you prepare for the exam so you can get this position.

He can sincerely believe in his promises, because he wants to see himself as a generous and caring partner. Later, when he begins to control the woman and use her for his own purposes, he will find ways to convince himself that it is impossible to be generous and caring, or that it is her fault that he cannot be so. Not cruelty is his goal, but control, to which he believes he is legally entitled.

On the other hand, a certain number of my clients deliberately resort to manipulation from the very beginning. People of this type smile knowingly at me, implying that every man uses the same tricks, and say: “Of course you have to charm the ladies and listen to their chatter - they like it. You have a pleasant conversation, you invite them to dance. You know how it's done." But even such people usually do not calculate the possibility of applying cruelty to a woman in the future. Using their charm, they create the type of relationship they want and expect to continue in the same vein indefinitely. Violent individuals of this type perceive manipulation as a worthy means, but do not consider degrading speech or physical intimidation as such. When later they begin to tear apart a woman or

L. Bancroft. “Husbands are tyrants. How to stop male cruelty

instill fear in her, they will blame it on her. So, they may consider her a "bitch" for not allowing them to lie and manipulate themselves for their own purposes. And they don't consider manipulation cruelty.

A cruel man is not a monster or a victim.

We finally come to the two most important concepts regarding violent men. Firstly:

A violent man is a person, not an evil monster, but he has a very complex and destructive problem that should not be underestimated.

The common stereotype that an abusive man is a vicious, calculating fiend makes it difficult to recognize the problem. A woman tends to think: he cares

cares about me, and he has good sides; he has feelings, he is not a sadist , - not realizing that the presence of all these qualities does not guarantee her from cruel treatment.

On the other side of the range, we find an equally common - and equally incorrect - opinion: the subtle nature of a cruel man is only covered with a touch of cruelty, it can be changed by love, sympathy and understanding. One morning he will wake up and realize how pernicious his behavior was, and renounce cruelty, especially if he has the love of a kind woman with him. This view is supported by songs, films, novels and series. Alas, it is very difficult to bring about change in a cruel personality. The cruel man has buried his compassion deep in order to avoid the innate rejection that a human being experiences at the sight of another suffering. He must hold fast to his excuses and rationale for his actions, develop the destructive ability to isolate himself from the pain he causes, and learn to enjoy power and control over a woman. It is unrealistic to expect such a complex structure, which took 15–20 years to form, to disappear like smoke. However, women are often pressured by friends, relatives, and professionals to "give him a chance to change" or "have a little faith in people."

The second most important concept:

The abusive person's behavior is mostly conscious—he acts on purpose rather than out of circumstance or out of control—but the thinking that underlies his behavior and drives his actions is largely unconscious.

An abusive man learns manipulation or control behavior from a young age (see chapter 13). As an adult, he integrates manipulative behavior at such a deep level that he acts mostly automatically. He knows what he's doing, but doesn't necessarily understand why. Here is what Kelsey, the partner of one of my clients, told me:

Lance invited me to go skiing, and I wanted to sit with my friends. I refused, and he said that I didn’t become a good skier because I didn’t do it regularly, that I don’t want to work, that I’m lazy and therefore I don’t know how to do anything well, and so on ... It was terrible ... But maybe I and am i lazy?

Was Lance really worried about Kelsey going down? No. A man does not destroy his partner's self-esteem if he wants to help her. The real reason is what Lance wants for himself: he wants Kelsey to keep him company. He resents her decision to make friendships the center of her life, a common

L. Bancroft. “Husbands are tyrants. How to stop male cruelty

whom a man - and I am sure that she must be there and focus only on him. He smashed her in every way to force her to go with him (and he made her doubt

V yourself!). In the next session, when some members of the group questioned Lance's sincerity, his real motives and mental attitudes became clear: a big part of my job as a counselor is to help abusive men look

V face the real reasons for choosing their own actions.

The first warning signs

QUESTION 8 : HOW DO I KNOW IF THE MAN I DATE WILL GET ABUL?

The following warning flags mean that violence is on the horizon, or perhaps very close:

♦ He speaks disrespectfully of a former partner.

A certain amount of anger and resentment towards an ex is normal, but beware of those who are too focused on their resentment and those who start talking about it unacceptably early on dates. Be especially alert to men who talk about women from their past in a demeaning or arrogant manner, or who identify themselves as victims of female abuse. Be on the lookout if he says that his "ex" made a false accusation of abuse: the vast majority of reports of abuse are true. When you hear that another woman thinks he is abusive, find a way to get her perspective on the situation. Even if you don't believe her, at least you'll know what to fear - just in case. Also, be careful of men who admit to abusing their ex-partners, but assure that such were the circumstances, blame women, or cite alcohol or their own immaturity as the reason.

Be wary of men who say you're not like other women they've dated, that you're the first one to treat him well, or that other women didn't understand him. You will be tempted to redouble your efforts to prove to him that you are completely different from "others" - and you are already trapped with one foot. It will take a little time before he declares that you are "the same as everyone else." His perceptual system ensures that no woman can be good if she is in a relationship with him.

Some men take the exact opposite approach, elevating and glorifying their past partners so that you feel like you're no match for them. If he laments that you are not as sexy, athletic, economic, or successful as the ones before you, I can assure you that you will not be valued higher later, no matter how hard you try. He wants to feel an advantage over you so that he can always be the master of the situation.

Pay attention to whether he takes any responsibility for what led to the collapse of the previous relationship. If everything was always the fault

L. Bancroft. “Husbands are tyrants. How to stop male cruelty

women, you will soon also be blamed for all the problems that he will have in your relationship.

♦ He is disrespectful to you.

Disrespect is the soil in which cruelty grows. If a man humiliates you or despises your opinion, if he is rude to you in front of strangers, speaks with sarcasm, he shows disrespect. If this behavior is repeated or if he defends him when you complain about it, control and cruelty await you in the not too distant future. Disrespect can also take the form of idealization, putting you on a pedestal as the perfect woman or goddess. At the same time, you are treated as, say, with an expensive porcelain vase. A man who worships you in this manner does not see you. He sees his own fantasy, and when you can't live up to it, he can become disgusting. Thus, there may be little difference between a man who speaks down to you and one who elevates you. Both demonstrate an inability to see you as a real person, which does not bode well.

♦ He does you favors you don't want or shows you a show of generosity that makes you feel uncomfortable..

These may be signs that the man is trying to make you feel like you are

at indebted him. My client Alan, for example, spent a lot of time in his first two years with Tori helping her brother fix a car, her sister fixing up an apartment, and driving her father to the doctors. When Tori's family began to worry about how Alan was treating her, he was able to convince her that her loved ones were taking advantage of him, and now, "when they no longer need my help, they want to get me out of the way to get you back" . Alan succeeded in making Tori empathize with himself and in doing so, drove a wedge between her and her family. Tori could not see these manipulations for a long time.

Robert combined these two warning signs: He told Lana that his ex-wife had falsely accused him of physical abuse in order to prevent him from seeing his children. He said, "If a woman asks for supervised visits to her father, the court gives her that right automatically." Lana cared about Robert with all her heart. But something made her worry. First, one day Robert called after a snowfall and offered to clear the driveway out of the garage. She replied, “No, please don’t,” because she wasn’t sure how serious her feelings were and didn’t want to give him hope. Returning from work that day, she saw a cleared path. Then, by coincidence, Lana's friend was divorcing her abusive husband, and Lana learned from her that the court required strong evidence of physical abuse in order to decide on parental visitation supervision. She seriously considered what Robert's ex-wife might tell her.

♦ He is in control.

At first, it can be extremely pleasant for you to be around a man who takes responsibility for making decisions. Here is a typical partner story of one of my clients:

The first dates were exciting and fun. He came to me with plans for the whole evening: "We'll go to the Parker House for a drink, then there will be dinner at a Chinese restaurant, and then I bought tickets to the comedy club." Everything went according to plan. At first, I liked the way he planned our leisure time. But then I began to notice that he rarely pays attention to what I would like to do. We continued to go with him to places he liked to go, for example, to hockey. I don't mind hockey

L. Bancroft. “Husbands are tyrants. How to stop male cruelty

but this is not my main interest. After a few months, he started getting annoyed when I wasn't in the mood to do what he wanted.

♦ He is possessive.

Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs that cruelty is coming your way. Ownership masquerades as love. A man might say, “I'm sorry I got mad when I saw you talking to your ex-boyfriend, but I've never been this crazy about a woman before. The thought of having another man next to you is unbearable.” He may call five times a day to check on your activity or insist that you spend every evening with him. His feelings towards you are probably really strong, but that's not why he wants constant contact. He watches over you, in essence representing you as his property. Depending on what kind of friends he has, he may also be trying to impress them with the way he holds you in his arms. All these activities come from possessiveness and not out of love.

Jealousy and jealous behavior are not the same thing. A man with inner insecurities may indeed feel anxious about your interactions with other men, especially with an ex, and may want reassurance from you. But if his behavior indicates an expectation that you will give up your own freedom in order to appease his jealousy, you are in danger of severe control. Your life should not change because of his insecurities.

Jealousy can be flattering. It's nice to feel like he's madly in love with you, that he wants you so badly. But a man can go crazy for you without being jealous. The possessive attitude suggests that he loves you not as an independent person, but rather as a protected treasure. Over time, you will begin to suffocate from his boundless vigilance.

♦ He is never guilty of anything.

He blames something or someone for everything that goes wrong. Over time, his accusations are increasingly directed at you. Men of this type also tend to make promises that they do not keep. He constantly spits out a stream of excuses for why he has upset you or acted irresponsibly, and is likely to exploit you economically.

♦ He is self-centered.

In the first few months of a relationship, the egocentricity of an abusive person is not always obvious, but there are symptoms that you may notice. You should be wary if he talks more than the rules allow, and chronically turns the topic of conversation on himself. Egocentrism is very difficult to change, rooted either in a deep position of high empowerment (in violent individuals), or in severe childhood emotional trauma (in non-abusive individuals), or both (in narcissistic abusers).

♦ He abuses drugs or alcohol.

Be especially careful if he pressures you into taking alcohol or drugs with him. Psychotropic substances by themselves do not cause abuse, but often these things go hand in hand. He can hook you up

L. Bancroft. “Husbands are tyrants. How to stop male cruelty

the hook of the conviction that you will help him to become clean and sober: alcoholics and drug addicts are always in a state of "I'm going to quit."

♦ He puts pressure on you to have sex.

This is of great importance, but especially in the case of teenagers and young men. Not respecting your desires and feelings about sex indicates an exploitative propensity that is often accompanied by abuse. It is also a sign that he sees women as sexual objects rather than people. If he insists on sex as your proof of love, give him a resignation.

♦ He moves into a serious relationship too quickly.

Because too many men are so afraid of commitment, a woman may be relieved to find a partner who isn't afraid to talk about family. But be on your guard if he starts planning a future together too quickly, without giving himself time to get to know you better and become closer. This may mean that he wants to quickly pack you up and hide you in his closet. Slow things down. If he does not respect your desires, you are likely to face problems ahead.

♦ He bullies you when he's angry.

Bullying, if unintentional, is a sign that emotional abuse is on the way—or has already begun—and that physical abuse may follow over time. Any of the following should cause you anxiety:

He gets too close to you when he's angry, puts his fingers in your face, pokes

V pushing you, blocking your path or holding you back.

He tells you he's just "trying to get you to listen."

He swings his fist, looms over you, yells at you from above, or does any other action that makes you flinch or feel fear.

He makes hints like "Don't make me angry" or "You don't know who you're involved with."

He starts driving recklessly or increases his speed when he is angry.

He hits the wall or kicks the door.

He throws things even if they don't hit you.

The closer your relationship with the bullying man is, the harder it is to get out of it. Unfortunately, many women believe the exact opposite. They think, "Okay,

sometimes he scares me a little, but I'll wait and see if it gets worse - I'll leave him.

But getting away from someone who has begun to intimidate is much more difficult than many people think, and more difficult every day. Don't wait to see what will happen.

♦ He demonstrates double standards.

Beware of men who have a different set of rules for their behavior and for yours. Double standards are an important aspect of living with an abusive man (see Chapter 6).

♦ He treats women badly.

At the beginning of a relationship, a man may say that he looks at you a little differently than at women in general, but such a difference will not last long. If you are a woman, why would you associate with someone who perceives a woman as a being of a lower order, stupid, insidious, fit only for sex? He will not be able to forget for a long time that you are a woman.

Stereotypical beliefs about a woman's gender role can also contribute to the risk of abuse. If he is convinced that a woman should take care of the house, or that his career is more important than a woman's, this can be a serious problem: he may put pressure on you if you refuse to live within his restrictions. Women sometimes find it hard to find a man who is not prejudiced against

L. Bancroft. “Husbands are tyrants. How to stop male cruelty

especially in certain cultural or national groups, but trying to find such a man is essential.

♦ He treats you differently in front of strangers.

Adult abusive men have a habit of putting on a show, treating their partners like gold when someone is looking at them, and reserving all their cruelty for moments when no one sees it. Abusive teenagers often behave in exactly the opposite way. He can be rude and cold to her in front of others in order to impress his friends on how "bossy" and "cool" he is, but becomes considerably softer in private.

♦ He is attracted to vulnerability.

One way this warning sign manifests is when men are attracted to women much younger than they are. Why, for example, would a 22-year-old man take care of a 16-year-old girl? Because she excites and provokes him? Obviously not. They are at different stages of development, with a radical discrepancy between the levels of knowledge and experience. He is attracted to power, and he is looking for a partner who will look at him with adoration and allow him to be a leader. Of course, he usually tells her exactly the opposite: he wants to be with her because she is unusually mature and extraordinary for her age. He may even compliment her on her sexual prowess and say that she has great power over him, setting the young victim up so that she cannot understand what is happening to her. Many abusive men are attracted to women with less life experience, less knowledge and self-doubt - even without a chronological age difference - who will look to a man as a teacher or mentor.

I have had many clients who were attracted to women who were vulnerable because of a recent traumatic experience in their lives. Many of these clients began by helping the woman end her relationship with her abusive partner and then began to control and abuse her themselves. Some seek out women who have had a difficult or abusive childhood, have health problems, or are suffering from a severe loss and present themselves as a savior. Be wary of men if they seem to be attracted to a power imbalance.

At the same time, many abusive men do not feel much attraction to vulnerability or helplessness in women. They are more drawn to the strong and successful. Violent men of this type feel like they have caught a big fish if they can lure an established, confident woman into their nets in order to dominate her.

Violence warning signs

– He talks disrespectfully about his former partners.

– He is disrespectful to you.

– He does you favors you don't want or shows you a show of generosity that makes you feel uncomfortable.

– He controls.

– He is possessive.

– He is never guilty of anything.

– He is egocentric.

– He abuses drugs or alcohol.

– He forces you to have sex.

– He moves too quickly into a serious relationship.

– He bullies you when he's angry.