My son is dating an older girl. My son is dating a good girl from a decent family

Question for a psychologist:

My son is 14 years old. Since the age of 12, he has lived separately from me, with his mother; she is often away from home for days (due to work). Previously, he spent the night with me, or I with him, when she was at work, but this summer he began to prefer to stay at home alone, explaining this by the fact that from morning to evening he “walks” with friends, he finds it more interesting to be with them. He has a garage where they gather, I’ve been there several times, in general, they’re all not bad guys, there’s no tobacco smoke or beer. The attitude towards life values ​​is normal, the attitude towards all kinds of drugs is negative, they do not approve of slackers and parasites, they do not want to become such (judging by conversations). They just sit and talk, especially since the summer is rainy. All of different ages from 10 to 19 years old, some of them already work and live independently. Lately he has become friends with a girl 3 years older than him, has hickeys, spends the night with her when her mother is not at home. In response to my comments, he stopped communicating with me. His mother doesn’t tell him anything, she’s afraid of ruining the relationship.

What should I do? Should we take tough measures or leave everything to chance? Maybe I'm the only one who doesn't understand anything?

A psychologist answers the question.

Hello! What specifically worries you? That the son walks around with hickeys and they can be seen, and this is indecent? That the son is dating an older girl, spending the night with her and possibly already having a sexual relationship? That she could get pregnant from him? Or that he is, in principle, already interested in girls at that age?

The fact that he is now more interested in spending time with friends rather than with you is quite normal for adolescence. The fact that he has started puberty and hormones are playing, and he realizes his desires in a relationship with a girl is also quite natural. I can understand your concern about his future and the possible consequences of a relationship with a girl (possible pregnancy if contraception is neglected). And in this regard, you can very well talk to him man to man, explain to him what and how. And it is advisable to do this more as a friend than as a parent or mentor - this way, as a teenager, he is more likely to hear and listen to you than if you lecture him. Teenagers listen and perceive only “their own”, i.e. equal to themselves. Therefore, it is better to communicate with them on equal terms, as friends, slowly starting to treat him as an adult and, like an adult, asking his opinion “what do you think?” , “What do you think is the best way to proceed here?”

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- Olga! How many winters, how many years!

- Natasha! Hello dear! And I look - you, or what? How is your family, is everyone healthy? How's your son, Nikita? Is he finishing school with you?

... At the bus stop, two middle-aged women met - apparently old acquaintances.

- So glad to see you!.. Son, good Ol, thank you! I finished school a year ago. Yes, can you imagine how time flies!.. He is already a student with us! I switched to the second year... An athlete, he was about ninety meters tall! Taller than father!

- Wow! Meter ninety... Groom! There's probably no end to brides, ha-ha-ha? There is a girl, admit it?

- Yes, there is a girl. She's so cute, polite, from a decent family. Her mother is a doctor, her father is at the Academy of Sciences... She and Nikita study together and have been dating for a year. Love is carrots... They write to each other constantly, spend all their free time together. Nice girl, I like her...

- Love is a carrot, that means... Just look, they’ll decide to get married?

- Olya, I beg you! Which one to marry? They just turned nineteen. They are still children!.. And in our time they generally grow up late...

Yes, Nikita understands all this very well himself. He himself says that I’ll get married when I’m thirty, not earlier, but now I need to get an education, get on my feet, work, achieve something.

He tells his girl this too. She also needs to study, why does she need difficulties and problems now?.. No, there is no talk of any marriage yet...

So, why do you think this type of relationship is needed for a “decent girl from a good family”?

Dating a guy and waiting ten years for him to “get on his feet” and “achieve something”? In the meantime, have sex, improving the moment when someone’s parents go to the country, go on a visit, or otherwise vacate the apartment? Well, they don’t solve problems together.

Or does the girl not wait, but simply enjoys the here and now of a relationship with a two-meter handsome athlete, without thinking about what will happen next? But we are talking about love.

And about a “decent” girl, and not about a slut, who will change a decent number of partners before settling down and becoming a respectable mother of the family.

And there is no need to say that not all girls need marriage.

Those who don’t need to, and are in no hurry to enter into a relationship, are engaged in a career, science, sports, creativity, or just lie on the couch and watch TV series, this is also a way of life...

Isn’t it humiliating at the age of nineteen to listen to maxims like “Get married? No, definitely not now!”, “not earlier than in ten years,” “family is a responsibility, I’m not ready to take it on myself yet,” and in general, “you need to get on your feet first”?

You've known him a quarter of a century longer than she has. You love him anyway, and you don’t need anything from him! You will stay with him if she leaves him. If she's lucky, you might fall in love with her too, but that's if she, your son's girlfriend, is very lucky...

Stop! High voltage

Since the beginning of time, mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationships have been considered conflicting; this female confrontation has long been included in fairy tales and jokes. But if the origins of the mutual hostility of our great-grandmothers and their daughters-in-law are easily explained by the fact that two or more housewives lived together on the same territory, what prevents us today from accepting the chosen ones of our sons with all our hearts and loving them with all our souls? It turns out that despite the fact that today's mothers-in-law have become radically younger and prettier (many of them are addressed as "girl" on the street), and young families almost always live separately, ancient archetypes are stored deep in our unconscious and bring to life the psychological mechanisms that determine behavior .

Here are the main mechanisms guiding the behavior of a novice mother-in-law:

• Fear that her son’s love for her will decrease, that now she will be “forgotten.” And the mother-son bond is very strong, stronger than other family bonds.
• It’s a shame that she had to give up the main “female” place in her son’s life.
• Rejection of change. Due to its biological, historical, social role, the family represents the greatest meaning and significance for a woman - any changes or “losses” in the family are extremely sensitive for her.

An important negative factor is the daughter-in-law’s tension, which she experiences in advance, not expecting anything good from her husband’s mother. Even if the older woman does nothing wrong, the younger one is suspicious of any of her actions. The most neutral phrase can be perceived as an insult, the most innocent question as a hint. And there the husband’s mother, initially inclined to have an even attitude towards her daughter-in-law, begins to defend herself...

Larisa, 43 years old

My only son has always been a source of pride for my husband and I - a gold medalist, smart and handsome, he easily entered the Higher School of Management in St. Petersburg. Almost immediately he had a status on VKontakte - “I fell in love!” He flew home for the winter holidays. At the airport, my husband and I were counting down the seconds until we met. And suddenly we saw a pale girl walking arm in arm with our sun. Moreover, the girl looks very unhappy.

I managed to pull myself together and didn’t faint. “This is Ksyusha,” said the son, beaming with happiness. “She came to visit us for the holidays, I decided to introduce you.” Well, his personal scholarship allows him to buy plane tickets for girls and delight his parents with surprises. Ksyusha smiled mannerly.

And although we put the lovers in different rooms, I felt uneasy. I desperately missed communicating with my son. And I really didn’t like Ksyusha. She was unhappy all the time. She didn't like the places we went to several times together. The cheerful, noisy style of communication in our family was annoying. The constant calls from my son’s friends made me angry. Throughout the holidays, the poor boy rushed between his friends, who were constantly calling him somewhere, and Ksyusha, who was constantly unwell.

My husband and I whispered that she was not a match for him, but we delicately did not interfere with advice, so as not to offend our son. Personally, what amazed me most was why she didn’t fly to her parents in a small town in Altai. At the end of the holidays, I involuntarily overheard their conversation. Ksyusha, as usual, presented something to her son, and he made excuses. And suddenly she said: “Your relationship with your mother infuriates me. Why do you hug all the time? It's disgusting". I wanted to kill her. But then the son said in some unfamiliar adult voice: “Now listen to me. I'm tired of your whining. And my relationship with my mother is none of your business.” Upon returning to St. Petersburg they separated. But I had nothing to do with this.

Work on mistakes

No matter how different the debutante mothers-in-law may be in character and temperament, the rake they step on is surprisingly similar.

"This is my boy!"

“My daughter-in-law came between me and my son.” This is exactly what most mothers-in-law think. Before her appearance, there was an excellent relationship between mother and son - mother knew his problems and joys, helped, looked after, controlled, and prepared his favorite dishes. And suddenly everything changed - the son stopped telling the details of his life, began to appear at home less often, and prefers cafes and restaurants in the company of his beloved to his mother’s dinners.

Oksana, 39 years old

My son has always been his mom's. He and I read, walked, talked about everything in the world. My husband works in the regional administration and is at work all the time. And Artem and I are best friends.

When the son turned sixteen, he began to turn from a boy into a very handsome young man. One fine day I came home earlier than usual. My husband was on a business trip.

When I entered the hallway, a slender naked body flashed at the end of the corridor. Five minutes later, the son introduced the dressed and blushing girl as “his girlfriend Nastya.”

I can't describe all my feelings. One of the main ones was jealousy. And resentment - how can that be? Just recently we read books by Astrid Lindgren aloud and sang songs from the cartoon “The Town Musicians of Bremen.” And here is naked Nastya... But I managed to greet her politely and offered her tea. Fortunately, they refused and left. And I sat down and cried bitterly. I called my husband, but he did not understand the depth of my despair!

In the evening I threw a scandal at my son in the spirit of “never again”! He calmly replied that I always return at seven. Therefore, simply “there was an overlap” and “he is an adult!”

By the way, “never again” I saw naked Nastya. Because Olya replaced her. Then Dasha. And then I stopped being upset.

“Society is structured in such a way that one generation replaces another. Parents teach their children so that they teach their own, so that knowledge and love continue, and do not return back. Parents give their children love with hope, and their children return love with gratitude. Life is always a movement forward, and if the son remains with his mother forever, then this is a reversal of the flow of life. He should not have to pay his mother for the rest of his life for raising, educating, and teaching him. She fulfilled her duty towards the child; he will fulfill his towards his children.”

“She’s not a match for him!”

Not a single mother in the world wants her son to spend his whole life only with her. Anyone wishes him a happy family life. The problem is that the mother decided long ago what a worthy wife for her son should be, and, unfortunately, it is very difficult to meet these criteria.

Most often, mothers want their future daughter-in-law, naturally beautiful and modest, to come from a good family, have a good education, be intelligent but obedient, value family above all else, be a good housewife, dream of children, and so on and so forth. But even if there is such a magical girl, the mother-in-law will be able to find flaws in her.

Tatyana, 42 years old

The persistent commercialism of my son’s new friend, a girl from a remote urban village, could not be ignored.

She began to “look after” him after their university group celebrated the end of the session in our country house. The pretty girl became his faithful squire. He fell in love, and the girl began to often visit both the house and our city apartment.

She said “ifliv”, “rings”, “theirs” and trustingly asked me, approaching the paintings (the originals, of course): “How much does it cost?” Even my husband, an unemotional person, felt awkward from her possessive glance from side to side. The youngest daughter simply hid in her room at the sight of a potential relative. When the son asked that he and Ira live in a country house, the father spoke to him like a man. And about how our marriage began, and about how he earned his first big money. And if his desire to be with Ira is so great, he may well rent an apartment and try to live there.

For some reason, Ira was not satisfied with the proposed option. And, to the great relief of the whole family, she disappeared from her son's life.

"And what about me?"

Naturally, a woman who loses the company of her beloved son, especially her only one, feels jealous of his chosen one. But it is completely unnatural if she interferes in the relationship of the young and tries to continue to influence her son.

In an effort to regain their son's attention, women sometimes resort to any form of blackmail. For example, they deliberately exaggerate their health problems. Find urgent household matters. Or they complain bitterly about the loneliness that has befallen them.

Jealousy of a daughter-in-law is especially acute among women whose family life did not work out and who gave all their love to their son, appointing him the “head of the family.” Then the disharmony of relationships built by the mother-in-law with the young people stems from her internal, often unconscious conflicts.

Dina, 23 years old

When we started living with Vanya, the health of his mother, a thriving forty-five-year-old divorced woman, deteriorated sharply. The thing is that, based on the results of a short meeting, I was declared “unfit.”

She called him two or three times a day. My mother’s voice fascinated him like a cobra’s pipe, and it often happened that after dinner, when we were moving towards the bedroom, my mother would call and plaintively say that she was not feeling well and was afraid to sleep alone in the apartment. “I’ll be there now!” - Vanya promised with an oath, hurriedly got dressed and left.

When we parted, I felt great relief. And Vanya and his mother are happy together.

Mothers-in-law are different

The repertoire of mother-in-law role models is very wide. Which one will you choose for yourself?

Mother-in-law-girlfriend- great choice. He likes to consult with his daughter-in-law, or rather, ask her for advice. Unobtrusive. He communicates well with young people, but only during family meetings and holidays. As a rule, this is a passionate working woman who believes that the young spouses will sort out their lives themselves.

A despot mother-in-law is the nightmare of all daughters-in-law in the world. She demands that the young fulfill all her whims and be guided in life by her persistent advice.

Mother-in-law spy very energetic (usually a divorced, single woman), she has nowhere to put her energy. She loves to set her own rules and make sure they are followed. It is especially dangerous when living together.

Mother-in-law is a happy wife. A family with such a mother-in-law is more secure than others from conflicts, as long as the daughter-in-law loves her son. Everything else will work out.

The mother-in-law is a businesswoman. If a career is more important to a mother-in-law than a family, the young couple is very lucky. She will not meddle in the affairs of young people at all - she has plenty of her own. Fortunately, there are more and more such mothers-in-law.

Mother-in-law, aka mother-in-law, is the most delicate of mothers-in-law: she sees how her daughter is in conflict with her mother-in-law, and strives to avoid such situations in her relationship with her daughter-in-law.

Fortunately, most young mothers-in-law are normal, happy young women. Their attitude towards the halves of their children ranges from neutral good nature to ardent adoration. My friend Zhanna and her husband call their young daughter-in-law Masha their daughter, in all quarrels and disputes without exception, they strongly take her side, and in response to their son’s indignant cries: “Hey, who’s here, actually, your child!” They answer in unison - “Masha”!

Another friend enjoys going shopping with her son, choosing gifts for her daughter-in-law for the holidays. She guesses the ring size, favorite color and perfume scent. The daughter-in-law, hand on heart, admits: “No one has ever given me such wonderful gifts! I can’t even choose anything so successfully for myself!”

If the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law respect each other, then any misunderstandings can be avoided. As wise women whose marriages last for decades say, there is only one way to make a mother-in-law love her daughter-in-law - the daughter-in-law must try to love her mother-in-law. And the mother-in-law will not remain in debt.

Antonina Provodnikova, psychologist:

“Moms, you raised your sons with love, which means you did everything right. Now, thanks to you, they have become adults and independent. Trust them, they will not leave you, mother will always be the first and main woman in her son’s life, but his wife will become his beloved woman. The Bible says that a person is two: a man and a woman, but this couple is not mother and son.”

Text: Elena Lukiyanchuk