Aggression towards wife. Overt aggression may occur

Hello, help me find a solution to the problems. For Lately my husband has become aggressive, nervous, and throws himself at me. We also have a daughter, but she is not his own and he constantly finds fault with her and can hurt her, offends her. If you tell him something is wrong, he yells, I used to do a lot She nagged him, she was a little rude to him, maybe he got tired of it and lost his nerves, maybe he was tired of our life, we have two children, one is not our own, we live in cramped conditions. If I start to present something to him, he becomes even worse... it can lead to assault.... if I am silent, he cannot stop... he says something that I can no longer remain silent about, I try to calmly talk to him... to calm him down, he gets even worse... sometimes he says that We got him, swearing at us with everyone, even with the child... I don’t know anymore, maybe he was always like this, now he just opened up, or I brought him down... I feel sorry for the child... I protect her as best I can. ..we were already breaking up, but it was even worse... we have feelings. I suggested going to a psychologist, he says that I need to go there, he is never to blame for anything, only I am to blame. Maybe I should go light a candle. We used to We communicated, he listened to me, but now he doesn’t tell me anything except household chores. He doesn’t drink, but he always goes for a walk, before only if I gave permission for an hour... but now he doesn’t even ask... can this be fixed.. .can everything get better or is this coming to an end...I want to save our family ..help I’m in despair

Zina, saving a family makes sense when both need it. Everything that you now tolerate from your husband removes you from each other. Every insult is destructive. Now the husband is doing everything to show that he does not need a family. The fact that he blames you for everything speaks volumes about how the mechanism works. psychological protection- he is afraid to admit his guilt to himself, and, most likely, this guilt lies in his weakness, fatigue, lack of incentive to fight. Of course, everything will not return to normal. But the more you tolerate his accusations, the more he will become stronger in his own rightness. If it is possible to separate, then now is the time to be away from each other in order to understand the importance of a person in your life. The most important thing is to remove children from your quarrels: they perceive every cry of their parents as their own fault and suffer greatly - this is precisely the reason why quite often child psychologists recommend that parents separate and stop being deceived by the fact that they are “together for the sake of the children.”
If this is not possible, then simply stop getting into arguments and conflicts, just remain silent - not offended, but detached. Let your husband feel that you are not with him - perhaps he will feel the loss and begin to “return” you. If not, then it means he doesn’t need your relationship.

Davedyuk Elena Pavlovna, psychologist in St. Petersburg

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Hello, Zina!

Your husband does not feel like a Man in the family. His aggression is a destructive way to prove to himself and you that he is the head of the family. You made claims, nagged, were rude, controlled, insisted on your own. He doesn’t want to live like this anymore, and so far this protest is expressed in his detachment and nervous breakdowns.

You need to learn to take a feminine position in a relationship, accept your husband for who he is, not make claims, but appreciate everything. What he does for you and your family, do not demand, but inspire him.

At the same time, you should not tolerate violence directed at you, neither physical. neither emotional. Now you are warming up, which means you have problems with self-esteem. We need to work with her.

If you need help, come for an individual consultation.

Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consulting psychologist, St. Petersburg

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What to do if one of the spouses has a short temper, or, in other words, is angry? How to get along with such a spouse, understand whether anger is justified or not, overcome fear and anxiety in the family, what line of behavior to choose, tell the rector of the shchmch temple. Antipas priest Dimitry Roshchin and clinical psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences Evgenia Zotkina.

- Why does anger arise in a person? Why are some people more susceptible to this than others? It's a matter of upbringing or chemical processes in organism?

Evgenia Zotkina: First, let's figure out what anger is from a psychological point of view. This is something emotional condition, which implies aggressiveness, bitterness. Anger is especially strong when a person is in a state of passion. Such a reaction can occur in a person if, in the process of activity or communication, events that occur do not coincide with expectations. Happening negative reaction to the inability to get pleasure, frustration, and the reaction to it becomes aggression.

There is open aggression and hidden aggression. In everyday life people use open forms displays of aggression such as anger.

Aggressive people are people, as a rule, with wounded vanity, ambition, who believe that they are underestimated, they were not given something, and they deserve more and better.

There are also hidden forms aggression:

• defensive-active,
• defensive-passive.

If a child is the idol of the whole family, then he grows up to be a little tyrant. He is used to having his desires always satisfied, and if he receives a refusal, he gets angry and throws a fit - this is an active position.

If a child has been suppressed by parents or society, he cannot splash out his aggression outside and accumulates it inside. Such a person, when he grows up, gives off a vague, inarticulate, unspoken and very painful feeling. Often such a person begins to remember some sad stories, accidents, and there is a sense of negativity in the conversation.

In general, the modern environment and culture are very aggressive, and not only in our country, but throughout the world. Residents of big cities constantly experience frustration; many lack a calm, joyful perception of the world. Now there is a global aestheticization of evil; in our time, evil is the norm.

After all, why are films about cops, bandits, and murders popular? People have a need to watch all these horrors. And when a person cannot correctly regulate his need for aggression, this means that his personality structure is disturbed. Fear is a provocateur of reactions of aggression and anger.

There is a loss of attachment, a feeling of being squeezed out of this world - and anger becomes a kind of deformed defensive reaction, which also manifests itself in sympathy for the aggressors. Many people admire Stalin, Hitler, Pinochet. Worship of aggressors is identification with the aggressor. A person cannot resist some events in life, change some things to some extent due to social factors; a person gets used to his own social helplessness and believes that nothing depends on him.

— What should a husband or wife do if the other half often gets angry?

Evgenia Zotkina: In men, aggression is instrumental, it is used to achieve a goal.

In women, aggression is expressive: she feels bad and starts screaming.

And if one screams and the other endures, then the second partner is a silent accomplice in such a relationship.

Sometimes it happens that spouses will yell at each other in the morning, and in the evening they come home as if nothing had happened - no one is offended, they no longer remember what happened in the morning. If this happens and no one really takes offense at each other, then it’s not scary.

If the dishes in the house don’t break, but the wife constantly mumbles and comments displeasedly about how her husband scattered his things, how he eats, how he sleeps, etc., this is hidden aggression. If a person feels good with his spouse, then they are unlikely to spoil each other’s mood for such insignificant reasons - such couples intuitively protect each other. Constant dissatisfaction with a partner destroys relationships much more than any single emotional shots or outbursts of anger.

A person understands very well where and how he can behave, where he can throw out his anger and where not. If the wife reacts to her husband’s aggressive attacks as unacceptable, and the husband values ​​his wife, he will try not to do this again. A person, in fact, can control a lot. An outburst of anger can be extinguished, or it can be inflated. For example, at work a person cannot show his aggression, but at home he wants to and yells, and you are already a hero. We must always remember that a person behaves the way he is allowed to behave.

Dimitri: First we need to talk about where this passion comes from. Anger is always born of pride. Just as pride is full of lies, so anger is full of lies. (The exception is “righteous anger”). Every passion must be opposed by its opposite virtue.

Since a family is a single whole, if one half of the family is sick with some kind of illness, in this case anger, then the other half should in a special way show meekness, because meekness is the opposite of anger. And thus win, because the fight is for common good. This, however, applies to any family illness - if one part is sick, the other must fight to maintain health in this particular aspect, because we save each other.

But meekness can be shown for the time being. It all depends on the extent to which a person is willing to endure, on what situation has developed in the family this moment. If a person is constantly being beaten and is no longer able to endure it, then he should temporarily avoid life together and see what effect it has. If a path to reconciliation is found, go back. And if this condition does not go away, then you need to further decide what to do about it, whether it is possible to stay in the family.

— If a person is aware of his aggression and suffers from it, what can be recommended to him?

Evgenia Zotkina: Stress and anger are very well relieved physical activity. Anything: walk up and down the stairs, do some squats, do some physical work- and it will become easier.

At all healthy man able to control their emotions. Of course, when a person is angry, deep inner work is happening inside him, it is difficult, and it is easier to shout or break something. But it is important to ask yourself a question in time: how much is the person in front of me really to blame for my rage? If a person learns to correctly analyze his emotions, it will be easier for him to cope with them.

Father Dimitri: the main task a person who is angry should not let his anger out. Let it rage within him, but a person must literally grit his teeth, bite his tongue and do everything possible to prevent this passion from rising. If he learns to catch these states, then with this exercise he will be able to lower this anger deeper and deeper until it ceases to be born at all. But it's very difficult. You need to be attentive to yourself, make it your task to fight this passion. If a person takes care of himself in one thing, it is absolutely certain that he will take care of himself in everything else.

— If children show signs of temper, how to deal with it?

Evgenia Zotkina: Children become hot-tempered due to a strong information field, which overstimulates the child’s psyche. The child’s psyche cannot cope with the incoming barrage of information, while the parents themselves are restless and anxious, and anxiety creates in the child a feeling of an unsafe environment.

There is a crisis in the family and a huge gap between generations. Parents have no time for their children: they get tired at work, come home nervous, and since children are now very active, overexcited, emotional, with increased motor skills, they quickly master gadgets and shooters. The child begins to play murder and understands that all issues can be resolved with the help of force. Children love more the one who plays with them, and since they spend most of their time on the computer, they lose touch with their parents. Dad and mom cease to be role models and authorities; they are replaced by the fruits of mass culture.

To prevent such a situation in the family, parents should possible time devote time to children, talk to them, answer questions. A child should feel that his home is his fortress, and that no matter what he does, he will always be accepted and supported there. This is the most important thing parents can give their child.

Father Dimitri: Using your power, prohibit the child from entering an aggressive state, stop him, explain that this is wrong - stop all attempts. Isolate, put in a corner - in general, bring to life in accordance with the degree to which anger manifests itself. It seems to me that children who get angry easily have learned this from adults. There may be some exceptions, but, as a rule, the child finds everything within the family. Therefore, you need to look at yourself first.

Ekaterina Vorobyova
Anna Berseneva

Discussion

Anger is quite natural. The question is how to control it. You need to show self-control. Love is the key to happiness, but love is not just emotions or feelings. This is a principle of behavior, an inner core that can withstand any difficulties in order to save the family.

Of course, I won’t read it, there’s a clear blizzard there for sure, but I can give advice - beat it. Outbursts of rage are a manifestation of promiscuity. At work, in the presence of superiors, everyone can control themselves. Everyone who is not in a mental hospital, of course.

I don’t understand the screaming, breaking dishes, fighting with a rolling pin at all.
For what?
if there is love, then there should be no desire to fight, and if there is no love, then is it worth living with such a person?
We also disagree about enduring anger inside ourselves with clenched teeth!
Another question is how to pour it out)

Comment on the article "Anger: how to get along with an aggressive husband or wife"

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Unfortunately, not a single one woman she is not 100% insured against the fact that her man will not humiliate, insult or even beat her. You can spend a lot of time interviewing representatives of the stronger sex and analyzing their behavior, but it is better to start from the specific character traits of a man who has a tendency towards violence and aggression.

Initially, when meeting someone, it is almost impossible to recognize such a person, but if you look closely at his manner of communication and behavior, you will soon notice his predisposition to violence and unquestioning dominance.

Unfortunately, most women cannot see the makings of an aggressor in their man, especially in initial stage relationships. More often a person reveals his entire essence through long time when the relationship has reached the serious stage. But if you start from the features psychological portrait a man who is prone to violence, then you will quickly learn to identify such an individual. Let's find out the basics character traits such a representative of the stronger sex in order to insure against troubles in the future.

1. A male aggressor can talk for hours about his participation in fights, describing everything in detail.. Women who do not want to turn their family life into hell should think twice before connecting their lives with such a man. If he constantly talks about how he hit someone or was hit, then it is likely that he is ready to repeat this process in the future, often the participants do not play a role.

If you have heard that parents often punished him with a belt, then it is likely that fights in youth and childhood were an attempt to restore low self-esteem. Psychologists have discovered an interesting pattern: 30% of men to whom their parents used physical punishment are prone to violence in own family. In any case, beware of a man who focuses on sorting things out through physical actions, because there is no guarantee that you will not become his next victim.

2. An aggressor man blames others for all his problems. Men who are prone to violence and aggression simply cannot take full responsibility for their actions. He will constantly say that his classmate provoked him into that fight, and the insult to ex-girlfriend was nothing more than self-defense. Such a man will never say that he beat a person because he himself became the cause of the showdown and provoked the incident. Such men often show themselves as an accommodating husband who gives the right to vote to his wife, but at a certain moment he breaks down and gives vent to his emotions. Be sure to talk to the man who interests you and try to determine his position: whether he knows how to be responsible for his actions and take responsibility in various life situations.

3. In a rage, a male aggressor may break a plate or other household item. A man who loses self-control during stressful times emotional situations, can throw objects that come to his hand. This means that a man does not know how to control his emotions, words and actions, which is precisely the cause of quarrels, scandals and divorces.

This in itself is unpleasant, not only for those around them who are suddenly plunged into negativity, but also for the aggressors themselves. In fact, among the latter there are not so many clinical scoundrels who derive pleasure from splashing out violent emotions on other people or objects. Normal people are also capable of such outbursts, but they then experience remorse, try to make amends for their guilt and at least try to control themselves. Aggression is especially destructive in men; the reasons may turn out to be so far-fetched and strange that the presence of a problem becomes obvious to all participants in the situation.

Types and types of male aggression

It is worth immediately noting that negative emotions with spilling out are not exclusively a male prerogative. Women are just as capable of being aggressors; they do not monitor their actions and words. The paradox is that male aggression is partly considered socially acceptable. Of course, extreme manifestations are condemned, but at the same time there are many justifications for such a phenomenon as aggression in men. The reasons can be very diverse - from competition to health conditions.

There are two main types of aggression that are easily defined even by non-specialists:

• verbal, when negativity is expressed in shouting or openly negative language;
• physical, when there are beatings, destruction, attempted murder.

With auto-aggression, negativity is directed at oneself and manifests itself in all sorts of destructive actions. The motto of this type of aggression is: “Let it be worse for me.”

Psychologists classify what we are considering into several types according to the following signs: method of manifestation, direction, reasons, degrees of expression. Self-diagnosis in this case is practically impossible, since in most cases the aggressor seeks self-justification, does not see and does not want to see the problem, and successfully shifts the blame to others.

Verbal aggression

The external manifestations of this type of aggression are quite expressive. This may include angry screaming, swearing and cursing. They are often supplemented by gestural expression - a man can make offensive or threatening gestures, shake his fist, or swing his arms. In the animal world, males actively use this particular type of aggression: whoever growls loudest declares himself as the owner of the territory; outright fights come about much less often.

However, verbal aggression in men, the reasons for which may lie in both mental health, and in the pressure of society, is not so harmless. It destroys the psyche of those who are forced to live nearby. Children get used to an abnormal pattern of communication and absorb the pattern of their father’s behavior as the norm.

Physical aggression

Extreme form aggressive behavior when a person moves from shouting and threats to active physical actions. Now this is not just a threatening fist swing, but a blow. A man is capable of causing serious injuries even to those closest to him, breaking or breaking personal belongings. Man behaves like Godzilla and destruction becomes his main goal. It can be either a short explosion, literally just one blow, or a long-term nightmare, which is why aggression in men is considered the most dangerous. The reasons given are varied - from “she provoked me” to “I’m a man, you can’t make me angry.”

When wondering how permissible this is, it is best to take the Criminal Code as a guide. It says in black and white that bodily harm to varying degrees gravity, attempted murder and intentional damage to personal property are all crimes.

Features of unmotivated male aggression

We can conditionally divide manifestations of rage into motivated and unmotivated. It is possible to understand and partially justify aggression shown in a state of passion. This is often called "righteous anger." If someone offends this man’s loved ones, encroaches on their life and health, then an aggressive response is at least understandable.

The problem is such attacks of aggression in men, the causes of which cannot be calculated at first glance. What came over him? Just been normal person, and suddenly they changed it! This is roughly what witnesses to sudden unmotivated rage that erupts in any form, verbal or physical, respond to. In fact, any action has a reason, explanation or motive, they just don’t always lie on the surface.

Reasons or excuses?

Where is the line between reasons and justifications? An example is the phenomenon of aggression between men and women. The reasons are often the most common attempts to justify oneself, to shift the blame onto the victim: “Why did she stay late after work? She’s probably cheating, she needs to be shown a place!”, “I didn’t have time to serve dinner, I need to teach a lesson” or “Allows herself to show dissatisfaction, provokes aggression."

Behind such behavior there may be personal hatred towards to a certain person, and banal misogyny. If a man seriously considers women to be second-class citizens, then is it surprising that he receives malicious attacks against them?

However, outbursts of aggression may not occur because the man is simply an evil type. In addition to far-fetched excuses, there are also those based on serious factors that can be identified and eliminated.

Hormonal background

A significant proportion of aggressive manifestations are due to hormonal imbalance. Our emotions are largely determined by the ratio of the main hormones; a deficiency or excess can lead not only to violent outbursts, but also to severe depression, a pathological absence of emotions and severe psychiatric problems.

Testosterone is traditionally considered a hormone not only of sexual desire, but also of aggression. Those who are especially harsh are often referred to as “testosterone males.” Chronic deficiency leads to increased dissatisfaction and makes a person predisposed to negative manifestations. Outbursts of aggression in men, the causes of which lie precisely in hormonal imbalance, must be treated. To do this, tests are taken to measure hormone levels, and the disease that led to the disorders is identified. Symptomatic treatment in this case it brings only partial relief and cannot be considered complete.

Middle age crisis

If such cases have not been observed before, then sudden aggression in a 35-year-old man can most often be associated with the age of maximalism being left behind, and the man begins to weigh whether everything is really decisions made were correct, was it not a mistake. Literally everything comes into question: is this the right family, is this the right woman, is this the right direction in one’s career? Or maybe it was worth going to another institute and then marrying someone else, or not marrying at all?

Doubts and hesitations, an acute sense of missed opportunities - all this shakes nervous system, reduces the level of tolerance and sociability. It begins to seem that there is still time to change everything in one jerk. Everyone around seems to have conspired and does not understand this emotional impulse. Well, they can be put in their place by force, since they do not understand good. Fortunately, the midlife crisis passes sooner or later. The main thing is to remember that periods of despondency are normal, but this is not a reason to ruin your life.

Retirement depression

Second round age crisis catches up with men after retirement. Women most often endure this period easier - a significant part of everyday worries remains with them. But men who are accustomed to their profession as a central part of their life’s plot begin to feel unnecessary and abandoned. Life stopped, the respect of others turned off along with receiving a pension certificate.

Aggression in men over 50 years of age is closely related to attempts to shift responsibility for a failed life onto others. At the same time, objectively, the man who suddenly caught the demon in the rib is all right, but there is a certain dissatisfaction. At the same time, all sorts of health problems, overwork, lack of sleep can be added - all these factors aggravate the situation. Aggressive attacks begin to seem like a natural reaction to everything that happens.

Psychiatry or psychology?

Who should I go to for help - a psychologist or straight to a psychiatrist? Many men are afraid of their aggressive impulses, fearing, not without reason, that they will do something irreparable. And it is very good that they are able to relatively soberly assess their actions and seek help from professionals. Who deals with such a phenomenon as aggression in men? The causes and treatment are in the department of the psychiatrist exactly until he confirms that according to his profile the patient does not have any problems. This is exactly what it consists of the right approach to treatment from such a specialist: you can safely make an appointment without fear that you will be labeled “crazy.” A psychiatrist is first and foremost a doctor, and he first checks whether the patient’s psyche is affected by some completely physical factors: hormones, old injuries, sleep disturbances. The psychiatrist can recommend a good psychologist, if the patient does not have problems that require drug treatment.

The first step to solving the problem

In many ways, the strategy for solving a problem depends on who exactly makes the decision. Aggression in a man... What should a woman do who is next to him, lives in the same house with him, and is raising children together? Yes, of course, you can fight, convince, help, but if the situation develops in such a way that you have to constantly endure assault and risk losing your life, it is better to save yourself and save the children.

The best first step for a man is to admit there is a problem. It’s worth being honest with yourself: aggression is a problem that needs to be dealt with first of all by the aggressor himself, and not by his victims.

Possible consequences of aggression and comprehensive work on oneself

We have to admit that in places of deprivation of liberty there are often prisoners who have precisely this vice - unreasonable aggression in men. Reasons require elimination, but excuses have no force or weight. It is worth pulling yourself together, but not relying only on self-control. If outbursts of rage are repeated, then the reason may lie in a hormonal imbalance. This may be overwork, depressive symptoms, as well as social pressure, an unbearable rhythm of life, age-related changes, some chronic diseases. Seeing a doctor is the right step to help you cope with destructive behavior. Separate reasons from excuses, this will help outline the initial plan of action, and soon life will sparkle with new colors.