Domestic (family) violence. Domestic violence: what is it and how to fight it

Domestic violence in the family is a very hot topic today. Intimate partner humiliation is a picture of intentionally controlled behavior. Psychological and physical dominance is used by a person against a family member or intimate partner to gain and maintain power and control over that person. Domestic violence in the family can be not only physical and sexual in nature, but also psychological.

The abuser uses manipulation in their behavior, including:

1. intimidation;
2. threats;
3. psychological isolation (silence and ignoring) in order to coerce and control another person.

This behavior may not occur every day, but may remain hidden and be an ongoing factor in “terrorism.”

Psychological violence against a woman in the family

Psychological abuse means intense and repeated humiliation of a person as an individual. First of all, this happens due to complete isolation and control over the actions or behavior of a woman (or other family members) through intimidation or manipulation. Approximately 1 in 4 women experience violence from their partners.

Such situations “destroy the house” and a person’s life. No one deserves to be humiliated mentally and physically. Responsibility for such behavior belongs to the offender. It's not the victim's fault!

Women who experience physical violence are often isolated. Their partners tend to control their entire life to a large extent and also make it worse. Listed below are some of the warning signs of domestic violence. See if these situations include those that are happening in your life and your family.

Signs of Domestic Violence

1. Physical and sexual violence. Hair pulling or biting; pushing or suffocating; kicks or punches to the head; punching and using weapons as threats; forced sexual intercourse and unwanted sexual touching in public or in private; deprivation of food and sleep.
2. Emotional Abuse. Harassment in public or private; suppression of friends and family; insult (what makes a person think he is crazy); creating a feeling of guilt using “Male Privilege” over a woman; behavior of a family member as the “Owner of the Castle”, and all members of the household are servants.
3. Economic violence. A ban on work and the ability to work and earn your own money (thereby forcing a woman to ask her partner for money); take money, if any; do not give women access to family income; not giving a say in important financial decisions or demanding exclusive control over household finances.
4. Coercion and threats.Creating a deliberate threat to do something that will cause pain; constant threats of divorce and threats to commit suicide; being forced to do illegal things.
5. Intimidation. Forcing a woman to be afraid (of children or other household members) through looks, gestures or actions; throwing and damaging things; causing damage to property (house, apartment); abuse of domestic animals; dangerous driving; demonstration of weapons (as an intimidating factor).
6. Use of children. During conflicts, children are involved or children serve as a “bridge” for communication (there is no direct communication between parents, only through children); threats to take away children and the inability to see them in the future.
7. Isolation. Control over what a woman does: who she sees, what she reads, where she goes, who she goes with; driving ban; ban on employment (getting a job); ban on free use of the telephone.
8. Using jealousy and guilt to justify actions. Constant accusations of unfounded betrayal, thereby hiding behind the fact that the partner was worried and afraid in order to make him feel guilty, but in fact this only strengthens the position of the “domestic terran”.

There is an exit

The danger is real. If you are in a situation where you are being humiliated (physically and emotionally), do not ignore the situation. Domestic violence in the family is not the result of tension, anger, drugs or alcohol (but even these moments are not a reason).

The offender will “always keep” this pattern of behavior, he has learned this and will always use it perfectly, even after he asks for forgiveness once again, and you will believe and say: “That was the last time I forgave you.”

But the worst thing is that this “last time” will be repeated again and again, because your offender is already an excellent manipulator who has learned to dominate and intimidate. Such relationships are destructive and dangerous.

Offended and humiliated partners are afraid to communicate their feelings to anyone, perhaps someone is ashamed to admit it, and someone is simply afraid to do it. Some women feel fear because they are financially dependent on their partner.

How will they be able to take care of themselves and their children? Many women, it seems to them, simply have nowhere else to go. Abusers tend to isolate their victims, limiting all livelihoods and freedom. And most women continue to live in this madness, thinking that everything will work out.

Before you open the door to the future, you must close the door to the past.

No one will make this decision for you, they can only help you (social security agencies, law enforcement agencies, social services), but you make the decision. Don’t be silent about your trouble, you can’t be silent, otherwise at one moment everything can end very badly for you and your children.

Now there are many social services and helplines where you can turn for help and protection. There are even special shelters for women. If you are from a small town where there are no social security services, then dial the helpline number and they will help you find a way out. Just don’t think now, reading these lines, that no one will help me. You cannot help a person who does not ask for help.

Domestic violence in the family is a very difficult situation, and the fact that you need to leave such a “sick” family and take the children (if you have any) is, of course, the right step. This will be very difficult and difficult to do, because women in such families are emotionally depressed and psychologically weak. But it is important to remember one thing, until you close the door behind you, the next door will never open in front of you.

Domestic violence is a complex type of violence. This is a cycle of physical, verbal, emotional, spiritual and economic humiliation and intimidation that repeats with increasing frequency in order to maintain control over the victim. Family violence is a fairly common phenomenon throughout the world and in all segments of the population. We talk about domestic violence in cases where the facts of rough and cruel treatment are not isolated, not random and situational, but regular, systematic and constantly repeated. With all the variety of types of violence - physical, sexual, psychological, economic, etc. – it is characteristic of family violence that it acquires a universal, generalized character. There is no family rapist who would infringe on his victim or victims in one way (Psychological assistance, 2000).

As discussed above, women are more likely than men to be victims of domestic violence. Cases of domestic violence against men are not so widespread, although they are not uncommon, and therefore should not be discounted. Moreover, it is women who initiate and commit violence against children, even women who are considered loving mothers. And finally, when both partners constantly provoke each other and start fights, quarrels, scandals, insult and humiliate each other, mutual violence occurs. At the same time, according to researchers, it does not matter who initiates them: both parties bear responsibility.

Often, a woman living in a situation of violence does not even realize that what is happening to her can be classified as this category. In domestic violence, the partner (husband, ex-husband, lover) insults and humiliates the woman; does not allow her to see friends and relatives; hits her or screams and threatens to beat her; hits children; forces a woman to have sex against her will; does not want the woman to work; makes her think that only he can properly manage the family money; constantly criticizes her (how the woman is dressed, how she prepares food, how she looks); instills a sense of guilt towards children and uses children for indirect violence. It occurs if a woman in the family feels helpless and useless, is afraid of her partner, feels lonely, blames only herself for everything, has given up on herself and lives only obeying a sense of duty (Korablina et al., 2001).

When examining the source of a couple's problems, it is necessary to examine the factors and conditions that brought the spouses together and continue to support their marriage to this day. According to existing complex models, for example, the theory of J. Murstein (Murstein, 1970), when choosing a marriage partner, three factors, three forces of attraction, operate: desire, merit and role. These forces act sequentially in three phases, their value changes in each phase. Each phase serves as a kind of filter for screening out unsuitable partners.

In the first phase (desire, motivation to build relationships), factors such as external attractiveness and demeanor play a significant role (how these characteristics are assessed by other people is also important). In the second phase (dignity), the center of gravity shifts mainly towards similarities of interests, points of view, and values. In the third phase, first of all, role compatibility is assessed. Partners determine whether they can take complementary roles in the marital union, which will allow them to satisfy their needs.

The principle of “exchange compatibility” applies at all phases. Equilibrium is achieved only when such an exchange is equal from the point of view of the partners. The source of problems is often unfulfilled expectations, which are partly conscious and formulated, partly conscious, but not discussed with the partner, and partly unconscious.

The greatest number of clashes and conflicts occur in the first years of a family’s existence: at the stage of formation of individual communication stereotypes, coordination of value systems and development of a common ideological position. In fact, at this stage there is a mutual adaptation of the spouses, a search for a type of relationship that would satisfy both. At the same time, the spouses are faced with the following tasks: 1) forming a family structure; 2) distribution of functions (or roles) between husband and wife; 3) developing common family values ​​(Borisov, 1987). To carry out mutual adaptation of marriage partners, it is necessary to have compatibility of their ideas according to the three specified parameters; ideal would be their complete coincidence, but in real life this is impossible (Kalmykova, 1983).

Therefore, in particular, the most critical period in terms of domestic violence are the first marriage period (up to 1.5-2 years) and the period after 10-15 years of marriage. These are the stages of two main crises in interpersonal family relationships, during which both the relationships themselves and their participants change. Moreover, the first critical period, which determines changes in the victim’s behavior, is associated with the complete “dissolution” of her identity in her partner and in her relationship with him. A man deliberately asserts his power, thereby perpetuating the woman’s powerlessness. As a rule, a young woman, more often than representatives of older age groups, does not want to put up with manifestations of psychological (and even more so physical) violence, strives to change her situation, seeks the help of a psychologist, and is even ready to part with the partner from whom she is experiencing violence. At the same time, a woman’s economic dependence, refusal “of her life” for the sake of “family interests” support violence from her husband (partner) (Gradskova, 2000)

After the first or second year of marriage, the process of family and marriage development reaches a level when the personal qualities of the spouses come to the fore, determining the stability of the marriage. Increasing demands on a marriage partner creates the basis for potential conflicts based on differences in interests, views, values ​​and character traits. If all efforts to overcome tension are unsuccessful, the development of the relationship leads to the dissolution of the marriage or to its “consolidation”, but on a pathological basis - that is, on the basis of consent to violence. Then the stress becomes chronic, and the so-called post-traumatic stress reaction develops.

To describe the post-traumatic stress reaction resulting from violence, the concepts of “accident neurosis”, “compensatory hysteria”, “traumatic neurasthenia”, etc. are used. Violence often causes a delay or decrease in the level of physical and mental functioning and development, neurotic reactions, various somatic diseases (obesity, sudden weight loss, stomach ulcers, skin diseases, allergies). The behavior of the victims is characterized by anxiety and anxiety.

Typical symptoms include sleep disturbances, chronic depression, aggressiveness, a tendency toward solitude, excessive compliance, ingratiating, obsequious behavior, threats or attempts at suicide, inability to communicate, establish relationships with other people, low self-esteem, etc.

In the second period, the victim, who has undergone many difficulties and has become more sensitive, fragile, that is, even more “victimized,” tries to comprehend what is happening. However, chronic experiences of crisis, abuse and constant trauma during this period form the so-called “battered woman syndrome” (abbreviated as BWS). L. Walker in the early 80s. The twentieth century included the following aspects in the concept of SIL: fear, depression, guilt, passivity and low self-esteem (Walker, 2000). Later, J. Douglas proposed a new reorganized version of the SIL, including signs and evidence of domestic violence (Douglas et al., 1988):

Traumatic effect of violence (anxiety, somatic symptoms);

The presence of learned helplessness (depression, low self-esteem, low ability to resolve conflicts);

Destructive mechanisms of working with violence (guilt, denial of violence, misunderstanding of its essence).

In addition, women exposed to violence are more likely to have affective pathology (depression) and abuse of alcohol and drugs against this background (Malkina-Pykh, 2006).

We can say that it is the “accustomment to violence” on the part of the victim, its elevation into a cultural norm, that is the main factor supporting long-term violence on the part of the spouse. And such habituation, according to T. Winch’s complementary (“complementary”) theory of marriage, begins with the parental family: children learn and repeat the models of their parents’ marital relations (Winch et al., 1954). Comparative studies of relationships in favorable and conflict families have shown that the balance of relationships is greatly influenced by the marriage model of the parents, the relationship of the father to the mother, and childhood experiences. Balanced spouses were calm in childhood, they were rarely punished, they were caressed more often, and they talked openly about sex issues. Their relationships are more harmonious, and they do not have to waste energy on correcting their partner and relationships with him, on disappointment - in the partner and in the relationship, in the family as such, as well as on revenge, betrayal and other ways of “restoring justice.”

There are some common characteristics of real and potential victims of domestic violence: passivity, subservience, lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, guilt. These qualities, on the one hand, are conditions for the emergence of domestic violence, on the other hand, they worsen over time and entail the development of violence. There are also common characteristics of rapists: criticality towards others, aggressiveness, power, secrecy, impulsiveness. Also a common characteristic is the preference for the strategy of dominance and suppression in conflict.

A more positive perception of oneself, understanding a conflict situation as violence creates more constructive interaction and reduces the intensity and variety of forms of violence. The tendency to blame oneself or to see the cause of the conflict in external circumstances determines the choice of destructive interaction strategies that support acts of violence on the part of the partner.

Very often, victim behavior is a form of aggression or self-aggression: it is aimed at suppressing and controlling the behavior and experiences of other people or oneself. This is illustrated by the observations of psychoanalysts. For example, the well-known “Oedipus complex” in men or the “Electra complex” in women force a person to look for and choose as friends, acquaintances, spouses and co-workers people who are similar to tyrant fathers or mothers. A perverted desire for security forces the victim to choose tyrants as his “defenders.” Their behavior will never be unexpected and therefore frightening for the victim. And therefore, it is comfortable. Genuine love, tenderness, and kindness can frighten the victim.

Thus, very often a woman does not find the strength to part with her husband or cohabitant. There are many reasons for this: financial dependence, inability to find housing, policies towards women, cultural and historical traditions. Not the least important place in this is occupied by the myths that are shared by the people around us. Let's look at a number of myths about domestic violence.

Myth: Domestic violence is not a crime, but just a scandal - a family matter that should not be interfered with.

Domestic violence is a criminal offense. In many countries, lawyers and advocates specializing in protecting women's rights believe that domestic violence ranks high among all types of crime. There is liability for certain types of crimes: bodily harm, beatings, torture, rape, etc.

Myth: Abuse of women occurs predominantly in the lower strata of society and among ethnic minorities.

However, evidence suggests that wife beating is widespread across all social and economic groups. Women belonging to the middle and upper class try not to disclose their problems. They may also fear social difficulties and protect their husband's career. Many believe that the respect their husbands enjoy in society will cast doubt on the credibility of the beating stories. On the other hand, low-income women are deprived of such prejudices, so their problems are more visible.

Myth: Abused women are masochists and crazy.

Evidence suggests that few people enjoy being beaten or insulted. Women do not leave such relationships mainly because they are economically dependent on their partner, because they are ashamed to tell someone about the abuse and do not know where to turn for help, or because they are afraid of retaliation in response to their actions. Sometimes society and family persuade a woman to stay with her husband. Survival behavior is often misinterpreted as madness.

Myth: Violence is directly related to alcoholism; Only drinking men beat their wives.

Evidence suggests that a third of men who commit violence do not drink at all; many of them suffer from alcoholism, but abuse their wives both drunk and sober. And only a few men are almost always drunk. Alcohol removes inhibitions and makes beating acceptable and justifiable for some men.

Myth: Women deliberately provoke their torturers.

Evidence suggests that society, unwilling to attribute blame to the male perpetrator, instead rationalizes and even justifies the violence by portraying the victim as a nagging, whining woman, while the abuser uses any minor frustration or irritation as an excuse for his actions.

Myth: If a wife wanted, she could leave her abusive husband.

There are many reasons that prevent a woman from leaving her abuser: she is ashamed to tell strangers about what happened; it’s scary that the offender will become even more furious and the violence will increase; housing problems; economic dependence; lack of support from friends and financial assistance; emotional attachment to husband. Most often, there is a combination of reasons at work here. The most dangerous period for a woman comes after she decides to leave her abuser. In this situation, a man may become more aggressive in the face of the possibility of losing his “property.”

Myth: Children need a father, even if he is aggressive, or “I only stay because of the children.”

Without a doubt, children need a family that loves and supports them. But if, instead of love and understanding, a child is faced with aggression and violence, then this increases anxiety and fatigue, giving rise to psychosomatic disorders and disorders in the psychological sphere.

Myth: A slap never seriously hurts.

Violence is cyclical and gradually increasing. It can begin simply with criticism, moving on to humiliation, isolation, then to slaps, blows, regular beatings - even death.

Thus, myths are at odds with facts. Any man, whether he is an alcoholic, a drug addict, a psychopath or not, can be a rapist. In fact, many of them control themselves well, go to prestigious jobs, are active in society, and have many friends (Mokhovikov, 2001).

The most common reasons why women suffering from domestic violence cannot change their life situation:

1) fear of leaving (a woman who dares to leave is sometimes exposed to mortal danger);

2) ignorance of one’s own rights and capabilities;

3) housing problems (lack of real legislative measures guaranteeing the possibility of resettlement or exchange of a shared apartment);

4) economic problems (impossibility of maintaining material well-being alone, absolute economic dependence on the husband, lack of work, etc.).

Numerous false social attitudes regarding family and marriage also lead to indecision, such as:

– divorce is a sign of a woman’s defeat;

– violence is present in all families (only all family members try to hide it);

– family is a woman’s destiny, and only a woman is responsible for what happens here;

- “without me he will be lost”;

– it is necessary to sacrifice oneself and endure everything for the sake of children;

– it’s impossible to find help – no one needs other people’s problems.

Women are prevented from leaving their families not only by this, but also by the illusion that violence will never happen again. Unfortunately, in most cases this is not the case. Cycles of violence have three repeating stages, the duration of each stage and their frequency vary in each individual case. But these patterns always repeat with increasing strength and frequency (Menovshchikov, 2002).

The first phase, or the stage of increasing tension, is reduced to minor beatings, while tension between partners increases. Victims come out of this situation in different ways: they can deny the very fact of the beating or minimize the significance of the violence (“It could be worse, it’s just a bruise”). External factors influence the speed of transition to the next stage. Victims of abuse go to great lengths to control these factors—even justifying the abuse of their partner and others.

The second phase is characterized by serious cases of beatings. The abuser is unable to control his destructive behavior and events become serious. The main difference between the second stage and the first is that here both parties realize that the situation is out of control. Only one person can put an end to violence - the abuser himself. The victim's behavior at this stage does not change anything.

The third stage, the honeymoon, is a period of extraordinary peace and love, attention and even, in some cases, repentance. Rude treatment is replaced by gifts, good manners, assurances that violence will never happen again, and pleas for forgiveness. The victim wants to believe that this nightmare will never happen again. During this period, partners note that a sincere feeling of love flared up between them again. However, because this relationship is destructive, the honeymoon phase ends with a transition to the increasing tension phase in a new cycle of violence.

American researcher of family violence L. McCloskey identifies the main reasons for its stabilization; in her opinion, they depend entirely on the woman, who is unable to radically change the situation and break out of the vicious circle of such relationships, thereby saving both herself and her loved ones from suffering. Often a woman, not understanding the origins of unmotivated cruelty, begins to blame or condemn herself, and look for the causes of violence in herself. Shifting blame from the perpetrator to the victim is called “victim blaming.” Due to complete economic dependence on their husband, the inability or unwillingness to work, lack of profession or education, and fear of a decline in social status, many women are afraid of divorce and endure violence solely for the sake of material benefits. In such cases, women begin to voluntarily isolate themselves from people, fearing jealousy and demonstrating complete devotion and dedication, or ashamed of themselves and their family relationships. Sometimes there is also a conscious acceptance and expectation of violence on the part of the husband, when a woman believes that it is natural for a man by his nature and social destiny to insult his wife and keep her in fear, and therefore it is necessary to look at this “philosophically”, calmly.

There is no single theory that can comprehensively explain the diverse causes of domestic violence. Taking into account the complexity of human nature, the characteristics of social interaction and the nature of the family as a social structure, it is necessary to take into account the diversity of families, the individual characteristics of their members and those social factors that, intertwined and combined, can give rise to violence.

A conflict that leads to violence can, using L. Coser’s term, be called “unrealistic” (Coser, 2000). It is generated by aggressive impulses that seek a way out regardless of the object. The essence of such a conflict is in self-expression, including affective expression.

Modern civilization not only does not suppress, but, on the contrary, stimulates aggression and cultivates violence. Aggression could have become established evolutionarily as an expedient instinct for survival and protection from external threats. But all human properties require external stimuli for their full manifestation. It has been reliably established that child abuse in the family not only gives rise to aggressive behavior towards other children, but also leads to violence and cruelty in adulthood, turning physical aggression into an individual’s lifestyle. A high level of aggression determines the choice of appropriate forms of behavior, for example, in such a person the indicators of spontaneous reactive aggression and irritability increase. Often cruelty is caused not only emotionally, it also arises from intellectual inability and fanaticism.

There is a set of character traits that have been identified in men who beat their girlfriends or wives; The last four characteristics almost definitely indicate a tendency towards violence. If a man has several of the character traits listed below (three or four), then the likelihood of physical violence is quite high. In some cases, he may have only two such characteristic traits, but they are expressed excessively (for example, extreme jealousy, reaching the point of absurdity). At first, a man will explain his behavior as a manifestation of love and care, and a woman may be flattered by this; over time, this behavior becomes more cruel, it becomes a means of oppressing women (Menovshchikov, 2002).

Jealousy. At the very beginning of a relationship, a man always says that his jealousy is a sign of love. However, jealousy has nothing to do with love; it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. A man asks a woman who she is talking to on the phone, accuses her of flirting, gets angry when she spends time with friends or children. As his jealousy grows, he calls her more and more often during the day and begins to appear at home unexpectedly. He may try to forbid her to work for fear that she will meet another man at work, or even ask his friends about his wife.

Control. At first, the man explains this behavior with concern for safety, spending time wisely, or the need to make the right decisions. He gets angry if a woman returns home “late” after shopping or a business meeting. He questions her in detail about where she was and who she talked to. As this behavior intensifies, he may not allow the woman to make independent decisions about housekeeping, choosing clothes, etc. He may hide money or even demand that she ask permission to leave the room or house.

Fast communication. Many women who have experienced domestic violence have dated or known their future husbands or lovers for less than six months. He swoops in like a whirlwind, declaring “love at first sight,” and flatters the woman, saying, “You’re the only one I could tell this to,” “I’ve never loved anyone as much as you.” He desperately needs a girlfriend and soon insists on an intimate relationship.

Unrealistic expectations. In this case, the man is extremely dependent on the woman in terms of satisfying his needs; he hopes that she will be an excellent wife, mother, lover, friend. For example, he says: “If you love me, then I am all you need, and you are all I need.” She is supposed to take care of his emotional state and everything in the house.

Others are to blame for his problems. Whenever a problem arises, there will always be a culprit who made the man do the wrong thing. He can blame a woman for all his failures and mistakes, saying that she annoys him, distracts him from his thoughts and prevents him from doing his work. Ultimately, she is to blame for everything that does not happen as he would like.

His feelings are generated by other people. By stating: “You drive me crazy,” “You insult me ​​by not doing as I ask,” “You irritate me,” he is aware of his thoughts and feelings, but uses them to manipulate the woman.

Hypersensitivity. Such a vulnerable man will talk about his “hurt” feelings, when in reality he himself is behaving irresponsibly, he considers the slightest failure as the result of intrigues against him. He is ready to pompously and enthusiastically talk about injustice, which in fact is an integral part of the life of any person: it could be a request to go to work after hours, the imposition of a fine, asking for help in household chores.

Rudeness towards animals or children. He punishes animals cruelly or is insensitive to their suffering or pain; he believes that a child is capable of doing something that is clearly beyond his capabilities (say, punishing a two-year-old child who wet his crib), or he teases children or younger siblings, bringing them to tears (60% of men who beat their wives hit also their children). He may demand that children not eat at the table with him or sit in their room while he is at home.

"Playful" use of force in sex. In bed, he likes to act out fantastic scenes where the woman is completely helpless. He makes it clear that the idea of ​​rape excites him. He can use anger and irritation to manipulate a woman in order to achieve sexual contact. Or he may have sex while the woman is still sleeping, or demand sex from her when she is tired or sick.

Insult by word. He uses rude and insulting words that humiliate a woman, as if crossing out all her advantages. The man tells her that she is stupid and cannot do anything without him; the day can begin and end with such insults.

Rigid sexual roles. A man expects a woman to please him; he says that she must stay at home, obey him in everything - even if it concerns criminal acts. He wants to see a woman as a stupid creature, incapable of being a complete person without a man.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (character in R. L. Stevenson's story "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde", in which Dr. Jekyll discovered a means that allows him to temporarily transform into a vicious, cruel person called Mr. Hyde). Many women are perplexed by the “sudden” change in their partner’s mood: now he is sweet and kind, and the next minute he explodes with rage, or he sparkles with happiness and is immediately sad. This does not mean that he has any special “mental problems” or that he is “crazy.” Hot temper and sudden changes in mood are characteristic of men who beat their partners.

Cases of beatings in the past. A man can say that he has beaten women before, but they forced him to do so. You can hear about this from his relatives or ex-wife. In fact, such a man is ready to beat any woman.

Threat of violence. This includes any threat of using physical force to control a woman’s behavior: “I will kill you”; "I'll break your neck." And although most men do not threaten their spouses, the rapist will justify his behavior by claiming that “everyone says so.”

Breaking dishes, destroying objects. This behavior may be an attempt to punish the woman (for example, by breaking her favorite thing), but more often the man needs to terrorize her in order to keep her in obedience. He can break a plate with his fist or throw anything at a woman. This is an important sign: only immature people break dishes (or break things) in the presence of others as a threat.

Use of force as an argument. A man holds a woman in submission, forces her to leave the room, pushes and kicks her, etc. In addition, he may try to isolate the woman, for example, prohibit her from working, being friends with anyone, etc.

It is very important to be able to recognize all such signs in order to prevent or stop violence. There is another list of behavioral signs that indicate a person’s propensity for violence:

A person is convinced that stereotypes about violent relationships are correct:

Traditional views on the role of men in the family and society (i.e., he believes that only a man can be the “master of the house”);

Aggressive with children or pets;

Shifts the blame for one's actions onto others;

Pathologically jealous;

Does not realize that aggressive behavior can have serious consequences;

Tries to isolate the woman from any activities outside the home or communication with other people;

Is physically rude to a woman (pushes, pulls her sleeve, etc.);

Threatens to commit suicide if the woman tries to break off the relationship.

The causes of physical violence can be divided into three groups (Platonova, Platonov, 2004):

1. Reasons caused by the personality characteristics of the man and his life history.

2. Reasons caused by the woman’s life history and her personal characteristics.

3. Reasons due to the characteristics of marital relations.

Each of them can become decisive, however, as a rule, a whole complex of reasons leads to intra-family violence against women.

The most typical causes of violence, determined by the personality of the man and his life history, include the following:

– model of parents – father beat mother;

– father and mother often beat a man in childhood;

– traditional view of the position of women and men in the family (man is absolute

And the unquestioning head of the family);

– the belief that a woman has a need to be a victim and is unable to break off a relationship;

– high level of anxiety and concern about one’s dominant position;

– constant consumption of alcohol;

– low level of self-awareness and self-control;

– inability to accept responsibility for actions taken;

– high level of stress due to economic and domestic reasons;

– a pronounced desire to cause harm to another person;

– psychopathy, etc.

As you can see, aggressive men often experienced violence against themselves in childhood and observed the behavior of an older man who showed cruelty towards a woman. They often encountered alcoholism, racism, class strife and misogynistic behavior. Many of them did not have the opportunity to feel love and care in childhood.

But not all aggressive men fit into this category. Some suffer from mental illness and have no remorse for violence, while others are genuinely horrified by such behavior. Bullies tend to justify their actions by claiming that they are victims of those they are actually hurting. Unfortunately, this belief is very often supported by many social institutions, such as the police, court, church, social and medical services (Kurasova, 1997; Safonova, Tsymbal, 1993).

Women's risk factors are also associated with an unfavorable life situation in the parental family. In addition, these include the following features:

– high level of psychological dependence on a man;

– economic dependence on a man;

– higher level of education of women in the family;

– the woman has physical disabilities (especially if they appeared during their life together);

- low self-esteem;

– insufficient sexual activity or illiteracy in this area.

Potential victims of violence also exhibit the following characteristic behavioral signs:

They fear their partner's temper;

They often give in to their partner, fearing to offend their feelings or cause anger;

They feel a desire to “save” their partner when they find themselves in an unpleasant or difficult situation;

They justify their partner’s mistreatment both to themselves and to others;

They tolerate being hit, pushed, shoved, etc. by an irritated and angry partner;

Make decisions regarding their actions or the actions of friends based on the desire or reaction of their partner;

They justify their partner by saying that he behaves in exactly the same way as his own father once acted with his mother.

Marital relationships marked by violence are characterized by the following manifestations:

– conflict and constant quarrels;

– verbal aggression in the relationship between spouses;

– struggle for power and dominance in the family;

– low socio-economic status;

– rigidity in interaction and relationships between partners.

Women who are targeted by violence may experience:

Gradual decline in health as emotional, physical and economic abuse increases;

Decreased self-esteem, loss of self-confidence;

Intense feelings of loneliness, shame and fear;

Constant stress and psychophysiological disorders;

Feeling of despair from the inability to resolve the problem of domestic violence;

A growing feeling of guilt due to the inability to cope with the problem on one’s own and aggression directed against oneself.

As a rule, physical violence against a woman is combined with sexual violence.

Sexual violence is the commission of sexual acts against the will of a partner, as well as coercion of a partner into forms of sexual relations that are unacceptable to him. Marital rape is a crime that is still not considered a crime. In many countries of the world, marriage seems to give a man the unconditional right to have sexual relations with his wife and the right to use force in case of her refusal.

Types of sexual violence are presented in sufficient detail in the specialized literature (Antonyan, Tkachenko, 1993; Dvoryanchikov et al., 1997; Kurasova, 1997). Clinical manifestations of sexual violence against women include complaints from victims of chronic pain, psychogenic pain (pain due to diffuse trauma without visible manifestations); gynecological abnormalities, frequent infections of the genitourinary system (dyspareunia, pain in the pelvic area); frequent visits to doctors with vague complaints or symptoms without signs of physical illness; chronic post-traumatic stress disorders; sleep and appetite disorders; fatigue, decreased concentration, etc. The psychological consequences of this form of violence include the following phenomena: decreased self-esteem; feeling isolated and unable to cope; depressive states; suicidal tendencies; alcohol abuse, addiction to drugs, etc.

The possibility of sexual violence is determined not only by the personality of the man (the rapist), but also by the personality of the victim. Research has revealed a generalized social portrait of such a man and the characteristic features of his biography: low level of education; dominant cold mother; negative perception of the father; lack of a positive emotional connection with your parents; parents' use of undeserved punishment; increased libido levels; alcoholism; fear of women due to violations of male identity.

Men “at risk” for sexual violence are characterized by the attitudes of a criminal culture that perceives a woman as an everyday object necessary for “non-male” work. Very often, sexual violence is used against the backdrop of a man’s unstable identity, as a means of asserting his own masculinity to himself.

Foreign specialists from crisis centers for women have summarized typical attitudes that limit the possibility of helping victims of domestic violence (Shvedova, 2000):

– fear of retribution if the rapist finds out that the woman told someone about the violence;

– shame and humiliation from what happened;

– thoughts that she deserved punishment;

– desire to protect your partner;

– incomplete awareness of the situation;

– the belief that a doctor or psychologist does not need to know about violence because he is very busy and should not waste his time on it;

– the belief that a doctor and psychologist cannot help in this matter.

An equally dangerous type of intra-family violence against women is psychological violence. Psychological violence manifests itself in the following forms:

1. Ignoring a woman’s psychological needs: safety needs; the need to belong to a group (in all her actions and deeds she should belong only to her husband); needs for cognition (inhibition of learning); needs for self-realization in the professional sphere (prohibition from work).

2. Isolation. This is strict control over a woman’s sphere of communication, a ban on communication with work colleagues, girlfriends, relatives, and strict control over any interaction outside the home. In case of divorce or resentment, the husband may prohibit his wife from communicating with the children.

3. Constant threats: destruction of family space, interpersonal relationships, irony, ridicule, the desire to put a partner in an awkward situation and demonstrate this to others.

4. Creation of a family coalition as a result of the woman’s rejection.

5. Formation of a portrait of an unsuccessful, inept and insolvent mother in the eyes of children.

6. Rejection. Inability and unwillingness to show an attentive, affectionate, caring attitude towards a woman, which manifests itself in emotional coldness.

7. Manipulation of a woman (use of information - false or true - to control a woman, etc.).

There are also reasons for psychological violence, depending on the characteristics of a woman’s personality. These include:

– expressed suffering of the victim as a factor reinforcing aggression;

– economic, psychological and emotional dependence;

– higher level of education of women;

– low socio-economic status of women;

– experience of perceiving oneself as a victim in the parental family;

– low level of self-esteem;

– high degree of intra-family disagreements and conflicts between spouses;

– numerous stressful situations (unemployment, death of loved ones, hard and low-paid work, hostile actions of familiar people);

– alcohol and drug use.

Research has shown that in more than 8% of cases of intra-family violence, not only the woman’s personality is insulted, but also her social functions. During a quarrel, a man, knowing the weak points of women, attacks the woman’s personal and professional dignity.

There are three common models for explaining the dynamics of violence relationships: the cycle of violence (L. Walker), the process of violence (Landenberger),

Model of power and management (Duluth model) (Kurasova, 1997; Safonova, Tsymbal, 1993).

Walker in 1984 analyzed the psychological and behavioral responses of abused women from the perspective of Seligman's theory of “learned helplessness.” Based on numerous surveys, Walker developed a “cyclical theory of violence”, the three phases of which have already been described above (Walker, 2000).

Another model (Landerberger, 1989) is based on the study of perceptions of violence, self-esteem in situations of violence, and the influence of perceptions on choice in violent relationships. Women identify 4 phases: unification, patience, rupture, rehabilitation, which they went through as the meaning of violence, attitude towards their partner and towards themselves changed in their perception. During the unification phase, when the relationship is still new and tinged with love, in response to violence, a woman redoubles her attempts to improve the relationship and prevent future violence. She uses her intelligence and creativity to calm her partner down. Over time, the ineffectiveness of attempts to solve this problem becomes obvious, and the woman begins to doubt the strength of the relationship. In the second phase, the patience phase, the woman tolerates violence because of the positive aspects of the relationship and also because she considers herself - at least partially - responsible for the violence. Although a woman may seek outside help, she does not disclose all the circumstances of the problem, because she is afraid of consequences that jeopardize her safety, as well as the social status of her partner. In the breakup phase, the woman realizes that she is in a situation of violence and that she does not deserve to be treated this way.

The turning point occurs when a woman realizes the danger of the situation. As a woman tries to solve the problem of her residence and security, she may leave her partner and return to him several times. After some time necessary to reassess values ​​and successfully overcome the obstacles that prevented her from leaving her previous environment, the rehabilitation phase begins, during which the woman lives separately from the rapist.

In 1984, based on group interviews conducted with women who attended educational courses through the Duluth Domestic Violence Program, a framework was developed to describe the behavior of men who engage in physical and emotional violence toward their partners. Many women criticized theories that described violence as a cyclical event rather than as an ever-present element of relationships. They also criticized theories that attribute violence to men's inability to cope with stress. Based on the experiences of women who have experienced domestic violence, a “power and control model” was developed, also called the Duluth model. It describes violence as an integral part of behavior rather than as a series of independent incidents of violence or cyclical expressions of pent-up anger, frustration, or pain (Pence, 1993; Shepherd & Pence, 1999).

This year, the first season of the series “Big Little Lies” was released, which tells about a long-married couple played by Nicole Kidman and Alexander Skarsgård. Their relationship is full of violence and disrespect for each other: from small quarrels to assault.

The series reflects the situation in modern families. The statistics are stark: 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced domestic violence. The topic of abuse is increasingly being raised in the media, and in 2015, Twitter users even launched a flash mob: they wrote stories about family life under the hashtags “Why I left” and “Why I stayed.” I have collected for you 15 signs that can help you recognize violence in a family or relationship.

Myth: Domestic violence is always physical. If you don't get hit, what's the problem?

Rachel Godsmith, Domestic Violence Program Manager, says:

Domestic violence is defined as a pattern of power and control in a relationship. A person can control another person in many ways that are not physical.

1. Constant checks

There is a fine line between normal and abusive relationships. If you're constantly texting your partner and you tell each other what you're doing, that's normal. But sincere care gives way to total control, when your partner wants to know where you are and what you are doing around the clock. It is very easy to recognize a tendency towards violence: you begin to feel guilty for your actions.

2. Isolation from friends and family

Early warning sign: When your partner tries to isolate you from your family, friends, or activities. He may say that they are not good enough for you or that they have the wrong outlook on life. One thing is important: after a break in ties, it becomes difficult to seek support.

3. Accusations of treason

Abusive relationships are full of jealousy. It is easy for an abuser to imagine that a partner is unfaithful, even if there is no evidence of this. In turn, the accused can do his best to convince that there is no affair on the side. This adds even more stress to the relationship.

You don't want your partner to think that you are doing something wrong.

4. Constant messages and calls

In 2017, the abuser expects that he can reach his partner at any time. A few missed ones, and boom! - receive accusations of irresponsibility, disrespect or treason.

5. Shaming

In an abusive relationship, an emotional abuser will constantly shame their partner about everything from their appearance to their mental abilities to the people they associate with. In this way, the tyrant strengthens his power over the victim.

6. Financial restrictions

Financial abuse can take many forms, and the abuser has the ability to control the amounts to which the partner has access. There are also restrictions on cards and the number of hours during which you can work.

7. Demands to explain who you spend time with

This is another way of control by which the abuser makes the partner feel guilty, as if he is doing something wrong.

8. Forced sex

Sexual coercion is a large area of ​​domestic violence. The abuser may pressure him into deserving sex or actually force him into physical intimacy by telling him he needs to have sex to “prove his love or he’ll go somewhere else.”

9. Gaslighting

A common form of emotional abuse in which the abuser convinces the partner that he is going crazy. This is how the victim begins to question his own perception of the relationship. The whole purpose of gaslighting is to break someone else's sense of reality for further control.

10. Cheating

Abusers may intentionally cheat in order to later blame their partner for it and deliberately make them feel bad, or to show how in demand they are to other people.

11. Decreasing the importance of parenting or housework

Victims of abuse are often criticized for the way they raise their children. Partners may use this as an excuse for their abuse.

12. Ban on drugs

Another tactic that manipulators often use is to limit their partner's reproductive freedom. For example, hiding or destroying birth control pills or condoms to gain power over a partner. Among all the studied cases of emotional violence, a third of women were subjected to this particular manifestation.

It is important to understand that women have the right to make their own choices regarding sexual and reproductive health. No one has the right to dictate to her how she should control him.

13. Requirements for intimate photos

While sexting can be an enjoyable part of a romantic relationship, the abuser sends sexy photos of himself and demands the same in return.

14. Shifting the blame onto your partner

Some may be in denial and blame the victim for actually being manipulative. The most popular method is to point out that the partner did something “wrong”, and this forced them to take retaliatory measures.

15. Requiring passwords

In some cases, abusers demand all account passwords in order to control their victim’s life also online. It's important to remember that you shouldn't share your passwords with anyone if you don't want to.

Why is emotional abuse difficult to deal with?

I have worked with many women who were victims and they felt a huge sense of shame for loving someone who abused them. They saw the abuser as a person with whom they had once fallen in love.
— Katie Ray-Jones, President of America's Domestic Violence Hotline.

There are no victims who experienced domestic violence only once. When people say “one time,” it can refer to physical violence, such as a slap. But isolation, constant insults and threats are repeated from time to time.

What to do?

Conversations about domestic violence constantly return to the same question: how do I leave? There is a myth that leaving such a relationship is an easy decision. In fact, victims often find themselves economically dependent on their abusers: they have no money to pay for rent, services, or food. Having a child together that requires care makes the task especially difficult.

There is also a justifiable fear that trying to leave a partner will cause new problems: extreme isolation and physical violence. There are enough stories in the media about how a husband killed a woman and children. Women know the threats are real.
Another aspect is also important: everyone wants to be a savior, but it is impossible to simply save another person in an addictive relationship. You can only support, give some resource so that the victim gets back on his feet. Friends and family of the victim should offer support and show that their environment is safe and open. There is an opinion in society that you just have to have a heart-to-heart talk with the victim, and then everything will fall into place, but this is not so. Pushing an addicted person to leave will not lead to good results either.

If the victim feels unheard and pressured, they will likely no longer trust that person. The psychologist recommends listening and making it clear that you are concerned about their condition and are ready to help.

Victims of domestic violence should undergo a mental health assessment to screen for possible depression or post-traumatic stress disorder. Few victims emerge from long-term domestic violence situations emotionally and physically unscathed. The best thing you can do for yourself is to recognize the signs and get proper help.

It occurs quite often over a woman. Unfortunately, often representatives of the fairer sex do not know how to deal with this and are afraid to tell others about their problem. It is for this reason that they humble themselves, and such a relationship becomes the norm. In our article you can find out how to recognize domestic violence and where to go in this case to get help and support from specialists.

Psychological abuse

Psychological violence in the family is the constant use of acts of violence against the emotions and psyche of a person. It is quite easy to recognize it. The main criteria for psychological violence include insults, threats towards a partner, unfounded criticism and condemnation. Experts believe that the purpose of such behavior is the desire to limit the freedom of another person and lower his self-esteem.

As a rule, psychological violence against a woman in the family is accompanied by physical and sexual violence. This type of impact is quite difficult to prove, because there are no abrasions or wounds left on the victim’s body. It is for this reason that psychological violence is the norm in many families.

In order to recognize psychological violence, it is necessary to pay attention to the following factors:

• The husband humiliates his wife and makes fun of her shortcomings in front of strangers, getting pleasure from it.
• The partner regularly neglects his wife's ideas and opinions.
• Sarcasm and insults are used towards the victim in order to worsen the emotional background.
• Excessive control even in minor matters.
• The victim is convinced that she is wrong and unreasonable.
• The abuser regularly accuses the woman of disrespect.
• A tyrant never asks for forgiveness.
• A man ignores the interests of his partner.
• The husband avoids discussing family problems.
• The victim is always blamed for any troubles and difficulties.
• An emotional abuser often threatens his victim.
• The wife lives according to the rules established by her husband. Their change or non-fulfillment is not discussed.
• Any rest or personal time is regarded by the tyrant as laziness.
• The fairer sex feels uncomfortable in the company of her partner.
• The victim is haunted by a feeling of depression and humiliation.
• The aggressor is unreasonably jealous of his chosen one towards other men, and also controls all financial expenses.

If you notice at least a few of the listed signs in your family, then urgently combat them and do not hesitate to seek help to solve this problem.

What to do if there is psychological violence?

Psychological violence against women in the family is not uncommon. Experts advise avoiding relationships that involve emotional influence. However, not every woman is ready to take such a decisive step.
In order to stop psychological abuse in a relationship, you first need to acknowledge that it is present. It is important to realize the gravity of the situation as early as possible. It is also worth noting that victims often put up with violence and are afraid to tell friends or specialists about it. Under no circumstances try to justify the actions of the aggressor, because such an act can cause moral or physical trauma in the future.

If you decide to completely abandon relationships and communication with an emotional aggressor, then under no circumstances respond to his requests to return or promises to change his character. As a rule, tyrants are quite difficult to change. They resort to the usual way of communication a few days after the promises. It is for this reason that one cannot turn a blind eye to shortcomings and believe in re-education.

A family social services center can help you cope with the psychological impact. There you can not only get a lot of valuable advice, but also find out how to properly deal with violence from an aggressor.

Why do men resort to emotional abuse?

Many victims try to find out the reason for the psychological influence from their husband. Often they blame themselves. In this case, emotional violence in the family against a woman will be repeated more and more often. Psychologists note that the first reason why an aggressor resorts to psychological influence is trauma received in childhood. Most often, tyrants are people with low self-esteem who were humiliated and not supported at a young age.

Sometimes those children who were allowed everything and unreasonably praised become aggressors in future married life. Often those people who have any personality disorders become tyrants.

What is the misconception of a woman who is subjected to psychological violence?

In almost all cases, violence by a man towards a woman begins long before marriage. Representatives of the fairer sex believe that they have the power to change the character of their chosen one. Unfortunately, in most cases they are wrong.

Many victims do not suspect that violence against women is the norm in the family of the aggressor. Often girls do not dare to break off relations with their chosen one, because they justify him to themselves. This is why representatives of the fairer sex prefer not to share their problems with strangers and not to seek support from a victim assistance center

It is no secret that many women endure not only psychological, but also physical violence in the family because they are afraid of being left alone. And the most important reason is a lack of understanding of the manifestations of emotional impact.

Can alcohol be the cause of violent acts towards your wife?

Many victims believe that an alcoholic husband commits violent acts unconsciously. Is it so? You can find out this and much more in our article.
Experts believe that alcoholic drinks reduce the ability to control one's actions. However, it cannot be said that an alcoholic husband acts unconsciously. It is known that many aggressors who got rid of their addiction and stopped drinking strong drinks continued to use psychological or physical violence against their chosen one after recovery. Experts say that alcoholism only worsens the problem.

Physical violence

Physical violence against women in the family is as common as psychological violence. It is believed that this type of exposure is the most common. Such violence is characterized by beatings or any other actions that harm the health of the victim. It is found in absolutely all countries. Often women do not resort to any action to stop physical violence. The reasons for this phenomenon include the reluctance to be left without a chosen one, to become a single mother, as well as dependence on the aggressor.

Where to go for help in case of domestic violence?

You can often hear the well-known phrase: You cannot live by this principle under any circumstances. If you are experiencing physical or psychological violence, then urgently look for ways to solve the problem. Don't try to make peace with her. To receive support and assistance, you can contact the following authorities: the nearest police station; International Center for Women's Rights; Office of Family Affairs.

In the listed organizations you will need to write a written application indicating all the details. You can also contact special psychological or training centers. It is there that you can not only get help and become a more decisive person, but also learn to cope with other people’s aggression.

Is it necessary to film beatings?

If you do not support the proverb: “Hitting means loving” and want the offender to be punished, then the following information is for you. If you plan to write on your husband, then you must definitely remove the beatings. To do this, you will need to go to the emergency room. It is important that doctors not only record abrasions or wounds, but also make a note on the certificate that a loved one did it.

Despite the feeling of embarrassment or shame, it is necessary to show all the injuries caused. Be sure to ensure that the doctor accurately records the nature of the injuries, their location and size. Do not under any circumstances say that these injuries occurred accidentally due to domestic reasons. After this, it is almost impossible to prove the guilt of the aggressor.

3 phases of violence

The situation when a husband beats his wife happens in many families. The first phase of violence is tension. Outbreaks of aggression in this case occur infrequently. As a rule, women try to behave calmly in such a situation and smooth out the conflict. Both partners try to justify their actions. This phase can last from several days to tens of years. At this stage, women most often seek specialized help.

Acute violence is the second phase. The aggressor's emotional outbursts are repeated much more often. This phase lasts from several hours to a day. After the incident, the tyrant asks for forgiveness and promises that violent acts will not be repeated. At this stage, women do not seek support, but write a statement to the police in order to punish the offender.

The third phase of violence is the so-called honeymoon. During this period, the man repents of his deeds and fulfills any requests of his wife. This phase does not last long. After it ends, everything repeats again.

Sexual violence

In the family, in addition to physical and psychological, there is also sexual influence. Women who experience domestic violence feel humiliated, weak and worthless. A sign of sexual influence is coercion into intimacy or humiliation during sexual intercourse. The aggressor becomes a man who feels superior to his wife. During intimacy, he tries to prove the opposite. Children are also often victims of sexual violence. As adults, they develop complexes and hostility towards men. In most cases, they do not tell anyone about their problem.

Memo for women

Absolutely any violence can threaten not only the general emotional background of a woman, but also her life. It is known that about 50% of women who enter treatment facilities have suffered from violence. Social workers have developed rules that every representative of the fairer sex should know. They recommend having a serious conversation with the aggressor when he is in a calm state. It is important not to be afraid and not to hide the injuries from him. You also need to talk to your neighbors. Ask them to immediately call law enforcement if screams are heard from your apartment. Just in case, keep documents and money in a separate place, and also think about who can provide temporary shelter in the event of aggression from your husband. Do not be afraid or shy under any circumstances. The sooner the victim seeks help from a specialist, the greater the chance that the marriage will be saved. Remember! Any violence leaves an imprint not only on women’s, but also on children’s psyches. That is why it is necessary to fight it at the first manifestations.

Let's sum it up

Almost everyone is surrounded by a family in which the husband beats his wife. Unfortunately, many women do not want to talk about their relationship problems with their partner. It is for this reason that domestic violence reaches a critical point. We strongly recommend that you contact a specialist after the first manifestations of aggression on the part of your husband. Be happy!