If the husband drinks Husband is an alcoholic
In Russia, alcoholism among men is very developed. When only a person begins to abuse alcohol, it is worth starting to sound the alarm. According to statistics, every year a huge number of people die in the country due to addiction to alcohol.
Alcoholism has several stages. If at the first stage a person is able to get out of this hole on his own, then the second and third are already a serious addiction that has.
Holidays and bright life events only for healthy people are an occasion to relax a little. And for a male alcoholic, this is an occasion to arrange a global booze. And within a few days.
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Such binges can continue for a long time. And stopping an alcoholic is very difficult. In addition, he will never admit that he needs treatment.
The man really considers such binges to be normal and claims that he is in complete control of the situation. In fact, this is not so. After waking up, the first thought in the head of an alcoholic is where to get alcohol. It is possible to get out of this hole on your own only at the first stage, and then you need a huge incentive.
Alcoholism is a terrible disease that poisons the lives of others and relatives. A man who is addicted to alcohol does not believe that he suffers from a chronic disease. Such a person has serious problems at work, at home, with friends.
The behavior of an alcoholic becomes inadequate and uncontrollable. During periods of a hangover, he is aggressive, does not control his emotions and actions. In doing so, he can harm himself and others. Mental activity decreases, health problems appear.
The thing is that the constant use of alcohol leads to a violation of the chemical balance in the brain. As a result, the metabolism of dopamine, which affects the pleasure center, changes. After that, the patient will no longer be able to experience pleasure without drinking alcohol.
In addition, in order to eliminate unpleasant symptoms and enjoy everything again, you urgently need to drink something stronger.
Causes
Psychiatrists and other specialists believe that alcohol dependence cannot arise just like that. There will always be some. It is simply impossible to get addicted to alcohol.
If we talk about what are the causes of male alcoholism, then we can divide them into 4 main groups:
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| Psychological |
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| Physiological |
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| genetic |
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Symptoms and signs
Symptoms of addiction in young people are determined based on the stage of the disease. First of all, the constant craving for a drink should alert you. This happens regardless of whether there is a reason.
Even 1 bottle of beer every evening is an alarm beacon. This is already an indicator of inclination. Moreover, if you talk about this man, he will begin to deny everything, even outbursts of rage are possible.
There are also significant changes in the behavior of the patient. He is aggressive, does not control himself in the hangover stage and when he wants to drink very much. At the same time, after the “otkhodniks” it can be quite adequate, but not for long.
Problems at work due to a bad habit arise as a result of a violation of concentration. A man will no longer be able to normally carry out serious and responsible assignments.
In no case should relatives and close people turn away from a dependent man. This will make the situation worse.
Alone with his problem, he can become depressed, consider himself useless and begin to pour grief again. The result is always deplorable - death due to disruption of the internal organs, most often - decomposition of the liver.
Therefore, relatives should be wary if a man has at least 1 of the following symptoms:
- constant craving for alcohol;
- uncontrolled drinking;
- a constant increase in the amount of alcohol consumed;
- binges;
- loss of appetite, trouble sleeping;
- lack of interest in life.
All these are signs of alcoholism in a man in behavior at the first stage. This is the time when it is easiest to stop the process. You just need to make an effort. Of course, the patient does not admit that he is an alcoholic. But you need to arouse in him a desire to live normally and show that he is needed.
The second stage is more serious. Symptoms of alcohol addiction include:
- craving for alcohol is irresistible and occurs more and more often;
- there is a strong hangover syndrome;
- the amount of alcohol consumed increases, while it is normally tolerated;
- unbalanced behavior occurs;
- a man becomes aggressive, angry and constantly tired for no apparent reason;
- hand tremor;
- vascular networks;
- memory problems;
- paranoia.
- there is a constant desire to drink;
- severe attacks of aggression, expressed, appear more often;
- binges can last for several weeks;
- intellectual activity becomes impossible;
- there are constant lapses in memory;
- degradation appears.
- hallucinations and delirium tremens.
Stages of alcoholism in men
There are 3 in men. Expressed by physical and psychological manifestations. First of all, alcohol negatively affects the central nervous system. After that, the decay products penetrate into the internal organs.
In this case, metabolic processes are violated. Dependence develops on the amount drunk and frequency. Stages of male alcoholism are expressed each in its own way. But one thing unites them - an uncontrollable desire to get drunk. It doesn't matter where the man is.
| First | In the first stage, a man may want to drink for no reason. He gets pleasure from the very process of using it. He enjoys the feeling of freedom that comes from drinking. At the very beginning, a young man is still capable of self-control, but over time he is drawn into the process, and it becomes more and more difficult to stop. A man, because of his craving for alcohol, can find many reasons to get alcohol. Not a single meeting with friends, gatherings, late nights can do without abuse. He simply does not imagine that it is possible to live differently. Alcohol for such a person comes first. But not always close people can notice that something is wrong with a young man. One symptom is mood swings. In addition, if a man is sick and is in the first stage, then the following manifestations are observed:
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| Second |
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| Third |
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How to fight?
It is possible to cure a man of alcohol addiction, but it is very difficult. At the first stage, only the help of loved ones is enough. But the second and even more so the third need a doctor. Moreover, significant difficulties arise when a man does not recognize the existence of a problem. In this case, the treatment is almost forced.
Of great importance is the fact whether a man has relatives, a wife. It is important that he is not deprived of attention and feels needed.
Often women, instead of wondering how to save their husband from drinking, prefer to just get a divorce. And this is fundamentally wrong. Such a man will drink even more. The results will be much worse.
A wife must show a man that he is needed, that he is valued and loved in the family. There is no need to scandalize, threaten, issue ultimatums - this will not help.
It is essential to be tolerant in relationships. The environment of the alcoholic plays a big role. At the first stage, it is enough to simply change the situation. It is necessary to “pull out” the husband from the vicious circle.
If the young man is already in the second and third stages, then you need to consult a narcologist and a psychotherapist. But in any case, the problem cannot be left unattended.
A qualified doctor will help, you just need to follow his instructions. You have to fight, otherwise you can lose your father, husband, brother, son.
Consequences
May be irreversible. The greatest danger is represented by various violations of the internal organs. Liver decomposition is what most alcoholics die from.
Personal changes resulting from the manifestations of delirium tremens affect life in the most negative way. A person in a fit of hallucinations can harm anyone. In addition, under the influence of alcohol, the brain is destroyed and intellectual activity is no longer possible.
It is clear that alcohol has the worst effect on health. But the social side of life is also important. The patient may lose his job. Because of this, problems with money begin, the consequences of which are begging and wandering the streets.
Non-drinking friends turn away from alcoholics and wives leave. Loneliness is only when there are no drinking companions. But over time, the right company is found. As a result - a complete transformation into a wretched, useless, homeless kind of person.
If the husband drinks Husband is an alcoholic
How Not to Behave as an Alcoholic Wife
In family counseling, family members of the addict often ask the same question.
- Tell me, how should I behave?
- Don't know. What do you have in mind? Conduct yourself so that what happens as a result?
- To stop drinking.
- Such forms of your behavior do not exist.
- How so? I came here to find out...
A look of disappointment on his face. I see that my client came to learn how to control, restrain, stop drinking of her loved one, and I, a consultant, immediately declare that I do not know such forms of behavior. But I know otherwise.
A distinctive feature of the wives of alcoholics, as well as other codependents, is controlling behavior. The wives, mothers, sisters, fathers, husbands, brothers of addicts are the controlling loved ones. They believe they can control everything in the world. The more chaotic the situation at home, the greater the effort to control. They think they can control their loved one's drinking or "prohibit" drug use. They think they can control the perception of others through the impression they make. It seems to them that others see their family as they portray it.
Codependents are sure that they know better than anyone in the family how events should take place, how other family members should behave. Even at a consultation with a psychotherapist in the presence of other family members, the mother in an imperative form makes a remark to her 21-year-old son. "When they say goodbye, look into the eyes." Codependents are afraid to let loved ones be who they are by nature and to let events flow naturally, to let life take place.
To control others, co-dependents use various means - threats, persuasion, coercion, advice, emphasizing the helplessness of others. “My husband will disappear without me”, “The son cannot understand the need for treatment, so I have to hide him in the hospital.”
Manipulation and guilt are often used as a means of controlling others.
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Control is direct coercion, an order, a demand, a statement: "Do as I tell you." Manipulation serves the same purposes, but the achievement of the goal occurs in cunning, subtle and more disguised ways. If I manipulate another person, then I will not honestly tell him: “I need this and that from you.” I'm afraid to ask directly, he might say no. But I can hang a feeling of guilt on him, and then he will easily fulfill my will. I can put him in a position of no choice, I can use flattery, temptation. So I'm manipulating.
I once heard a 70-year-old mother say to her 43-year-old son: “When you object to me, my heart hurts.” Who will object to her after that? Moreover, the heart disease is real, she suffered a heart attack. She manipulated her son. He no longer dared to protest.
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To manipulate means to set traps, temptations, use cunning tricks in order to subjugate another person. If a wife goes for sexual rapprochement with her husband not for the sake of sex itself, but in order to achieve the desired behavior of her husband (“Be sober, and we will always have good sex”), then the wife manipulates through sex.
Even if the manipulation achieves its goal, a loved one does what the co-dependent spouse requires of him, then the relationship is still overshadowed by a bad feeling for both. You can manipulate objects, such as dolls. They are inanimate, and with them it is possible to do any tricks. People are alive, so they do not like to obey someone else's will, they perceive it as violence. People are resisting. For every action there is a reaction.
It is easy to recognize rude, conspicuously controlling behavior. An iron hand ruling from a self-captured throne. Tyrant. Dictator. Despot. A ruler with great power. In alcoholic families, a sober wife can be such a tyrant. She may not let a drunken husband into the house, she may beat him, deprive him of food or something else. Explicitly controlling behavior is also observed in the wife, when she drags her husband to a consultation, secretly pours medicine into his tea, drags him out of the hospital. Either seeks out bottles of liquor, pours liquor down the sink, kicks him out, or scolds his friends over the phone.
I recently spoke with the wife of an alcoholic who was discharged from our clinic a month ago. Naturally, I asked about his condition. The answer was in such a form that one can guess how much a wife controls her husband's behavior. She said:
During this month, I have no complaints about my husband's behavior.
As if she is an OTK (technical control department) and checks the quality of the product. I will note in passing that she did not look happy, satisfied. The facial expression is firm. On it, as it were, is written: “Do not relax. Remain vigilant. This is where my control is needed.
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Controlling Behavior
Controlling behavior is a prominent feature of codependents. From rough pressure to an insinuatingly tender attitude towards loved ones in order to impose their will, their vision of the problem, their coercive tactics.
Softer forms of controlling behavior are more difficult to consider. Under the guise of tenderness, selfless care, affection and kindness, she does the same thing - deprives him of responsibility for his life, paralyzes his will. When I hear the story of a kind wife about how she takes care of her husband during a hangover, I pay attention to how much sweet molasses she pours. And he will give medicine, and brine, and whatever he wishes. I just want to insert: “Yes, with such care, I would drink myself!” All this is also controlling behavior of the wife.
Good at controlling other victim wives. Sighs, tears, statements about their exorbitant suffering, about their weakness and helplessness, the ability to arouse pity for oneself, and in others a sense of guilt - these are the drive belts of control over others.
The wives of alcoholics can combine hard and soft tactics of controlling behavior. They think maybe something will work. Nothing works, but they all hope. Finally, they come for a consultation and raise the question: “How can I get him to be treated?”
The purpose of control is to force. To force other people to do what the codependents consider necessary and right. And not only to do, but even to make them think and feel the way it would be right according to the thoughts of codependents. By force to force life to unfold to the extent and at the time they appoint, the controlling people. Their vocation is not to allow something to happen without their command or permission, to keep and not let it take its course. Stop the flow of life, remake people and arrange things the way they like. As the popular song sang: "If I made you up, be the way I want." So who do you want to love - a real person or your notion?
Oh, I seem to be overthinking my clients' problems. I read fiction and think about them. Today I took the historical novel by M. Aldanov "Origins". I am reading A. Chernyshev's preface to the novel. And I find words about the uselessness of controlling behavior not only in family life, but also in history. A. Chernyshev writes: “...at all times, attempts to change the world for the better through the use of force, to create a “new man” invariably failed, history never followed the path that they tried to direct it” (Druzhba Narodiv magazine. 1990, No. 8. - P. 76).
Husbands and children of controlling women do not live their own lives. They seem to be writing a dictation. Life under dictation. Real life is more like a composition than a dictation.
This is where I have to give the co-addicts the bad news: controlling behavior is self-defeating behavior. Even if you manage to get someone to do something, the price for this is great. The price is the destruction of relationships with a loved one. In this case, it turns out that codependents not only cannot control someone else's life, but they lose control over their own lives.
Trying to take control of almost uncontrollable events leads to depression. The inability to achieve the goal in matters of control is considered by codependents as their own defeat, as the loss of the meaning of life. Recurring defeat exacerbates depression. On such gray days it seems that the past is meaningless, the future is uncertain. Previously suppressed emotions of fear, mental pain are activated. Previously, controlling behavior was meant to mask pain.
Recovery from depression is achieved through states of peace, calmness in relation to yourself and others, trust, acceptance of yourself with all your real feelings.
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Control is a direct response to our fears, panic, helplessness, loss of trust. When things go wrong, we can stop trusting ourselves, God, the higher powers of the universe, the very process of life. Trust disappears, the control button turns on. If you manage to regain trust, then it can go away as unnecessary and the need to control.
It is known that codependents do not trust themselves, do not trust their feelings, their decisions, do not trust other people or try to trust people who are not trustworthy, lose faith in God and trust in Him.
Another outcome of the controlling behavior of codependents is the behavior caused by frustration (ie the collapse of hopes), anger. Fearing to lose control over the situation, co-dependents themselves fall under the control of events or their loved ones who are addicted. For example, the mother of a drug addict quits her job to control her son's behavior. But drug addiction continues and practically controls the life of the mother, disposes of her time, profession, well-being, mental resources.
When we codependents try to take control of people and situations that are “none of our business,” we ourselves become controllable. As long as we think and act in someone else's interests, we lose the ability to think and act in our own interests. Our addicted loved ones are great at controlling others. Everything is balanced here. Equal partners met in an alcoholic marriage.
Let's take care of ourselves. To take the path of controlling others means losing control of yourself. It means losing both the battle and the war. It means losing yourself, your life. Is this what we need? Are we afraid of defeat? No need. In victory, a person shows what he can, in defeat - what he is worth.
Ask co-dependent wives, mothers why they control. They will probably say that they do it with the best of intentions. They could say something like this about themselves.
We control in the name of love.
We want to help.
Well, we know better what he needs.
We are right and he is wrong.
We think that this is the only way to act (i.e. control).
It's scary to do nothing.
We are in control because it hurts us to see him destroy himself.
Yes, if trouble has come, then the first thing a person instinctively does is try to mobilize all his strength and overcome the difficulty by force. But addiction is a difficulty that cannot be overcome by force. I am writing this book in the hope that understanding the problem will help.
When I want to demonstrate to wives the inefficiency, the futility of all their controlling efforts, I ask them to do the following.
List all the things you have done so far to curb your loved one's drinking.
Oops, I haven't tried it yet. And in a good way she persuaded him, and cried, and begged. And then I did something bad. I shouted, insulted, called him a “drunk”, threatened that I would kill him and commit suicide.
Now write down all these actions in a column and put a “+” sign against the action that helped you achieve your goal, and a “-” sign against vain efforts.
Yes, what is there to write. And so it is clear that some cons.
So what to do?
Don't know. Maybe stop worrying about him and start taking care of yourself?
So, the behavior can be anything, but it reflects the wife's obsessive need to control her husband's life.
Control is the manipulation of people, circumstances, things in order to feel safe.
Control is the minimization and suppression of feelings in order to feel safe.
Control is compensation for feelings of inadequacy.
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Desire to care for others, save others
Those who work in the field of narcology often hear from relatives: “I want to save my husband (son).” I received 3 bags of letters from the wives of alcoholics in response to an article in Rabotnitsa magazine entitled "Marrying an Alcoholic". Every letter has the word "save". There may be variations - “pull out of the quagmire”, “don't let the abyss”. Without saying a word among themselves, people from all over Russia use the same words. What is this? One of the patterns of manifestation of codependence.
Saving others is the calling of codependents. They love to take care of others, often choosing the so-called helping professions - a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a psychologist, an educator. As if codependents were made for their alcoholics. The vocation of co-dependents is to love alcoholics, marry them, give birth to children for them, treat alcoholics, educate them, devote their whole life to them. All this would be good if the attitude to significant relatives really helped to save patients with addiction to psychoactive substances. Concern for others overflows reasonable and normal proportions, can take on a caricature character.
Their behavior stems from the conviction that it is they, the codependents, who are responsible for the feelings, thoughts, actions of others, for their choices, for their wants and needs, for their well-being, for their lack of well-being, and even for fate itself. Codependents take responsibility for others, save them from responsibility for themselves, while being completely irresponsible for their own well-being. They don't eat well, they don't sleep well, they don't see a doctor, they don't know their own needs.
Saving the patient, codependents only contribute to the fact that he will continue to use alcohol or drugs. Then the codependents get angry at the patient. An attempt to rescue almost never succeeds. This is just a destructive form of behavior, destructive for both the dependent and the codependent person.
However, the desire to save is so strong that codependents can do things that in essence did not want to do. Codependents say yes when they feel like saying no. They do for their loved ones what they can do for themselves. In fact, they do more for someone than for someone. They meet the needs of their loved ones when they do not ask for it and do not even agree that codependents do it for them.
Codependents constantly give more than they receive from their loved one. Codependents speak for the other, think for the other, believe they can control their feelings, and don't ask what the other wants. They solve the problems of another, although such a solution to problems other than their own is rarely effective. In joint activities, for example, in the conduct of household they do more than they should be doing in a fair division of labor.
Such “concern” for others implies the incompetence, helplessness of the other, the inability to do what the codependent loved one does for him. All this makes it possible for co-dependents to feel constantly necessary, irreplaceable. The Rescuer needs to be needed. These are the psychological benefits of rescue - fueling low self-esteem, satisfying the need to be needed. Deep down, rescuers don't feel loved or worthy of love. And then the behavior is determined by the message: if I am unloved, then I will be needed. Your desire is my command. Your problem is my problem. Then the “rescuers” get angry at those who are taken care of. Rescuers feel used and abandoned. Sometimes with the rag on which people wipe their feet at the door.
I use the word "savior" and not "savior" because we have one Savior - Jesus Christ. When codependents try to save, they really want to equate their mission with God's work. They control the lives and destinies of others. They completely devalue the other's ability to do for himself what will really save him.
But contrary to the will of God, they do not succeed. So I use a slightly different word for them. They cannot do what God does to us.
Such unhealthy caring behavior borders on complicity. Next to every alcoholic in the family there is a person who helps to maintain alcoholism in an active state. The accomplice, by his actions, helps the alcoholic to continue drinking, saves him from suffering, from the inconvenience caused by the consequences of his alcoholization, and thereby makes it easier for the alcoholic to continue drinking. The unhealthy role of the wife or mother of an alcoholic is called an accomplice. When do we codependents save in this unhealthy way?
When we call the husband's boss at work and say that he has a cold and will not come to work, but in fact he is in a hungover state.
When we pay debts to his creditors.
When we take a taxi and load his drunken body, we deliver it home.
When we are looking for a tipsy spouse in the dark or at the addresses where he may be.
When we do something that we didn't want to do. I didn’t want to waste my strength in marriage to drag him out of a puddle before.
We do for the other person what he himself is able to do for himself.
We provide help when we were not asked for it, or we give more than we were asked.
When we speak for other people. If a patient and a relative are at the consultation, then she usually speaks.
When we put up with an unfair division of responsibilities, for example, we take on all household chores, and the husband can drink.
When we do not talk about our needs, needs, what we want.
In general, we save each time we take on unnecessary care for another adult (Beatty M., 1997).
I think what good words are: care, save someone, sacrifice yourself, love to the point of self-denial. It looks like mercy. Why is the meaning of behavior destructive, destructive? I became a doctor to learn how to save people from death. It seemed to me that it was very noble, altruistic. In addiction, I learned about the unhealthy role of the rescuer. Where is the line between good and bad behavior? Some authors attribute self-sacrifice to self-mortification (Bowhal M., 1983).
In medicine, there are acute and chronic diseases. In life, there are periods of the usual course of events and crises. I think it is useful to save only in acute painful conditions - for example, when a person is unconscious, in a coma, in shock, in acute trauma, in acute appendicitis, during bleeding. Children and the elderly are a separate issue. They are helpless due to their age, so they need to be saved. But when the patient is in a chronic disease state, then he should not be saved, but helped him to overcome his illness himself. Alcoholism and drug addiction, apart from the states of acute poisoning, are chronic diseases. It is necessary to help, but at the same time to believe in the healing power of the patient's personality itself. Not in medicine, but in life, people are saved only in emergency situations. There is such a ministry - the Ministry of Emergency Situations, the Ministry of Emergency Situations. There is a water rescue society. Yes, if a person drowns, then this is an emergency, it is necessary to save.
What feelings accompany acts of salvation? Sometimes the rescuer feels embarrassment and discomfort in connection with the problem of a person, sometimes her holiness, pity for him. The wives of alcoholics are generally inclined to confuse pity with love. When we, codependents, save, we can perceive ourselves as more competent than the one we help. We can think that I'm a heroine, since I save. He is helpless, but I am strong, I can do everything.
Codependents feel needed in the moment. There is a great reward in this feeling.
Once the alcoholic's wife has begun to rescue him, she will inevitably move towards another unhealthy role in the family - the role of the persecutor. She "generously" helped, for example, dragged him home drunk, then could not resist reproaches and indignation. This unfortunate alcoholic remained ungrateful! When the wife saved, she did something that she did not want to do, she gave up her own needs and plans for this time, how can she not be angry? The object of salvation sobers up, does not thank, and does not even accept the numerous advice of his wife. The wife takes on the role of accuser. Anger and rage descend upon the "rescued" alcoholic.
The alcoholic - the living and changed mood of his wife feels great. He uses this moment to go on the offensive. It happens that at this moment he will hit his wife. It was his righteous anger that someone thought he was incompetent and took his responsibility. People resent when they are considered incompetent, worthless, incapable.
There comes a turn in the movement of the co-dependent spouse to the favorite role at the bottom of the triangle - the role of the victim. This is the predictable and inevitable outcome of the rescue. The victim is overwhelmed with bitter feelings of helplessness, resentment, depression, sadness. The feeling of self-pity grows to incredible proportions. Here again I was used and discarded. I tried so hard, I did a good deed, and he... Why, why does this always happen to me?
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Why? All have their own laws.
“Saving” their chemically dependent loved one, codependents inevitably obey patterns known as the “S. Karpman Drama Triangle” or “Power Triangle” (Karpman S., 1968, 1971). 
Codependents try to save others because it is easier for codependents than to endure the discomfort and embarrassment, and often the heartache, of dealing with the unresolved problems of their loved ones. Codependents have not learned to say, “It's very sad that you have such a problem. How can I help you?" Codependents say: “I'm here. I will do it for you." The demon of low self-esteem sits inside codependents and drives them along the edges of S. Karpman's triangle.
Helping people, giving people part of your time, your talent is very good. All this is part of a healthy relationship between people. Where is the line drawn between healthy concern for others and unhealthy rescue?
Let's listen to our feelings. A person with healthy self-esteem feels good about himself and other people. He feels good when he gives something to others. A co-dependent person may feel bad, bitter, offended with his endless and dimensionless “giving”. He seems to be underestimated anyway.
There should be reasonable limits to what we do in healthy relationships for other people. It's okay to balance giving and taking. No one said that it is necessary to give everything to others.
Do not think about other people that they are worse than us. Others are not helpless. Others are not irresponsible. They are not dumb. Why treat them like they can't take responsibility for themselves. The relay is not about infants.
If, caring for others, we in this capacity stop caring for ourselves, betray our important needs and interests, then this is a sign that we are doing a bad thing, harmful both for ourselves and for the one we care about.
We urgently need to take responsibility for ourselves and allow other people to do the same. The kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to stop being a victim.
If a codependent person does not learn to recognize the moments when he becomes a rescuer, then he will constantly allow others to victimize him, i.e. put in the position of a victim. In fact, codependents themselves participate in the process of their own victimization. The drama develops along the edges of S. Karpman's triangle.
The shift of roles in the triangle is accompanied by a change in emotions, and quite intense ones. The time spent by a codependent person in one role can last from a few seconds to several years; in one day you can be twenty times in the role of a rescuer, then in the role of a persecutor, then in the role of a victim.
The goal of psychotherapy in this case may be to teach codependents to recognize their roles and consciously abandon the role of a rescuer. This will prevent the inevitability of falling into the role of the victim.
One of the participants in the game "Rescuer - stalker - victim" may one day say: "That's enough, I'm out of the game." If this does not happen, the rescuer and the rescued may destroy each other.
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Refusing to be rescued and not allowing others to rescue you is one of the challenges of overcoming codependency.
As already emphasized above, in codependents, such a quality as outward orientation, external refferentig, no A. Schaef (1986) acquires special significance. This characteristic of codependency has been associated with low self-esteem. Since codependents do not feel they are valuable enough people, they are somehow directed to external reference points. Individuals who depend almost entirely on external evaluations will do whatever it takes to maintain a relationship with someone important to them. Even if these relationships are difficult and destructive. The stories of the wives of alcoholics about their lives are a drama, a life in hell. Even if they divorce an alcoholic, they often still continue to live together.
Codependents suffer from the concept of their "I", there are no clear ideas about how others should treat them. Without relationships with others, codependents feel less important, and sometimes worthless. In relationships, they are often inferior to others, even when this is not required of co-dependents. They remain loyal even when the object of affection cheats on them or treats them cruelly. One of the books on codependency is called Women Who Love Too Much. The relationship between an alcoholic and a spouse can be very close, they literally cannot live without each other. This gives each of them a sense of security. Security, obtained in such an unhealthy way, at any cost, is frozen, static, which prevents the relationship from developing.
Due to low self-esteem for codependents, the question becomes especially important: “What will others say?” Codependents spend a lot of energy managing the impression they make on others. In people with adequate, healthy self-esteem, the starting point in self-assessment is inside, codependents voluntarily gave the starting point to others. Codependents strive to be "good", they can really do a lot of good things, and they believe that they manage to make the right impression on others, control the perception of others.
The life goal of codependents may be to figure out what others want, to satisfy someone else's desires; actions are aimed at pleasing others. Hence the need for appeasement. Even in bed, they can take care not of their desires, but of pleasing their partner.
Develop amazing abilities to recognize what other people like and dislike. Codependents believe that as soon as they become what others want them to be, life will become safe, reliable, they will be accepted in those circles where they aspire. They are so dependent on others that even the right to exist must be confirmed by others. They are not sure that they are legitimately occupying a place in life. They need outside validation. Codependents do not trust their own perception until others confirm it.
Perhaps this feature of theirs drives them when they seek to take care of their loved ones who are addicted. Here caring is not love, but rather it is a manifestation of power over another person. Codependents impose their will on the patient and thereby deprive him of his own will. Caring codependent people are very power-hungry. This twists their relationship in the family. The practice of pleasing behavior is also determined by this characteristic of codependents.
So, the above are in descriptive order the manifestations of codependency. Perhaps someone wants to pick up a brief diagnostic tool and quickly determine the presence or absence of codependency in themselves, their daughter, their girlfriend, etc. I can equip the reader with such tools. I present some of them below.
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Criteria for assessing codependence
Codependency assessment
(according to Potter-Efron P.T., Potter-Efron P.S., 1989).
Codependency is recognized when a person is in a highly stressful family environment for a long time, including the alcoholism of one of the members.
The individual reports or exhibits at least 5 of the following 8 characteristics.
Fear. Recognized by the presence of the following signs.
1. Constant concentration on the problems of others.
2. Persistent anxiety, fear and feeling of fear.
3. Risk avoidance in interpersonal relationships, including mistrust of people.
4. Controlling behavior - repetitive, habitual.
5. Super-responsibility.
6. An attempt to manipulate others, change their behavior.
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Shame, guilt. Recognized by the presence of the following signs.
1. A constant sense of shame, both in relation to one's own behavior and to the behavior of others.
2. Constant guilt about the problems of others.
3. Isolation from others to hide shame for oneself or for the family.
4. Self-hatred.
5. The manifestation of arrogance and superiority, which is associated with low self-esteem.
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Lingering despair. Recognized by the presence of the following signs.
1. Despair and hopelessness about changing the existing situation.
2. Pessimistic view of the world.
3. Low self-esteem and feelings of defeat (I am a loser), which does not correspond to real achievements.
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Anger. Recognized by subsequent signs.
1. Persistent anger directed at the drinker, family, or self.
2. Fear of losing control in anger.
3. Spiritual anger, including anger against God.
4. Passive-aggressive behavior, especially towards the drinker.
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Negation. Recognized by subsequent signs.
1. Constant denial of the source of family trouble.
2. Constantly downplaying the severity of the problem.
3. Using excuses to protect the drinker from negative consequences.
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Rigidity. Recognized by subsequent signs.
1. Cognitive inflexibility.
2. Behavioral rigidity, including role rigidity.
3. Moral and spiritual inflexibility, rigidity.
4. Affective inflexibility - the predominance of the same feeling - guilt, pity, anger.
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Violation of the identity of one's "I". Recognized by subsequent signs.
1. Failure to make demands or take care of your needs.
2. Difficulties in defining the boundaries of one's "I", it is difficult to separate oneself from others, one's pain from the pain of others.
3. Dependence on other personalities - the need to receive confirmation of one's self-worth from others, an obsessive concern about how one looks in the eyes of others.
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Confusion, confusion. Recognized by the following signs.
1. Constant uncertainty about what is the norm.
2. Constant uncertainty about what is real.
3. Persistent uncertainty about feelings, including a tendency to misidentify all feelings with a single sign.
4. Gullibility.
5. Indecision.
If you find signs in yourself in 5 or more of the 8 areas listed, then you are a codependent person and you should continue reading this book.
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Below is a test that is widely used in self-help groups.
Codependency Test
1. Are you worried that your loved one drinks a lot?
2. Are you experiencing financial hardship because your loved one drinks?
3. Did you have to lie to cover up his drinking?
4. Do you get the feeling that alcohol is more important to him than you?
5. Do you think that his friends are to blame for drinking?
6. Are family plans often violated due to the fact that your husband (son, daughter) does not come home on time (“suddenly” met a friend, “sat” with a business partner, etc.)?
7. Do you threaten your husband like this: “If you don’t stop drinking, I will leave you”?
8. Do you kiss him on the doorstep with a secret thought to catch the smell of alcohol?
9. Are you afraid to directly tell him about something unpleasant, fearing that he will start drinking?
10. Have you ever suffered or been ashamed of his behavior?
11. Does it seem to you that every holiday, every vacation is ruined because of his drinking?
12. Are you looking for the bottles of liquor he hid?
13. Do you have this feeling: if he loved me, he would stop drinking?
14. Do you refuse to meet with your friends, fearing that your drunk husband will put you in an awkward position?
15. Have you ever considered calling the police because of his drunken behavior?
16. Do you sometimes feel guilty that you cannot keep him from drinking?
17. Do you think that if he stops drinking, then all your problems will be solved?
18. Have you ever threatened to commit suicide, destroy the house, etc., to scare him and hear from him: "I'm sorry"?
19. Have you ever treated others - children, parents, employees - unfairly just because you were angry at your husband for his drinking?
20. Do you feel like no one understands your problems?
If you answer “yes” to 3 or more questions, then your condition may have signs of codependency. Read the book to the end, know that self-help groups like Al-Anon are there for you, seek professional help for yourself.
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codependency scale
1. I have difficulty making decisions.
2. It's hard for me to say no.
3. I find it hard to accept compliments as something deserved.
4. Sometimes I almost get bored if there are no issues to focus on.
5. I usually don't do for others what they can do for themselves.
6. If I do something nice for myself, I feel guilty.
7. I don't worry too much.
8. I tell myself that everything will be better for me when the people around me change, stop doing what they are doing now.
9. It seems that in my relationships I always do everything for others, and they rarely do anything for me.
10. Sometimes I focus on the other person to the point where I forget other relationships and things I should be responsible for.
11. I often seem to get involved in relationships that hurt me.
12. I hide my true feelings from others.
13. When someone offends me, I carry it in myself for a long time, and then one day I can explode.
14. To avoid conflicts, I can go as far as I like.
15. I often have fear or a sense of impending disaster.
16. I often put the needs of others ahead of my own.
Read the above statements and put a number in front of each item that reflects your perception of this statement:
1. Completely disagree.
2. Moderately disagree.
3. Slightly disagree.
4. Slightly agree.
5. Moderately agree.
6. Completely agree.
To get the total score, flip the scores for items 5 and 7 and then sum.
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Point totals:
16-32 - the norm,
33-60 - moderately expressed codependence,
61-96 - pronounced codependency.
We all know that alcohol in excess is bad. But those who have faced this problem in their family know firsthand about this evil. Among these people, by the will of fate, I turned out to be myself. I am sure that my story will help many women who are forced to live with an alcoholic.
How and when did my husband become an alcoholic?
Maybe those who grew up in a family with drinking men and could distinguish the first signs of alcoholism. But, I was brought up in a family where alcohol was consumed by adults only on holidays and then in moderation. Maybe that's why I could not consider when alcoholism began to appear in our family life almost destroyed the family. Now I know how it all began, and then, 6 years ago, I did not even suspect that this could happen to my ideal, as it seemed to me, man.
When we met Sasha, he seemed to me an erudite, intelligent and well-read young man. Even the fact that he works in shifts as a plumber at a state-owned enterprise for a small salary did not bother me. I took it as an intermediate stage in his life. Moreover, he assured me that he would soon be promoted to the head of the boiler room, they say, higher education and previous work experience contribute to this. We got married and started living together. Alcohol in our lives appeared only on holidays. I didn’t even have a reason to think about the fact that it’s worth taking a closer look at my husband and his relationship with the bottle.
After almost 2 years, without waiting for a promotion, without agreeing on opinions with the immediate supervisor, Sasha quit the factory, which he informed me about in fact - he came back from the shift in the evening and said that now he had to look for a job. I was very happy about the changes in the confidence that now everything will be even better and I will not have to pull my family on myself. And here all the most interesting began.
The husband was in no hurry to get a job. Increasingly, I began to notice the smell of fumes when I returned from work. At first I thought that he was so relieved of the stress of worrying about not being able to find a job. But then it turned out that all the years of work at the factory, he systematically drank with older employees. Immediately upon arrival at work, they kissed a glass, and by the end of the shift (after 12 hours) everything had time to disappear, he bathed and came home fresh. In addition, day-night-48 shifts were ideal for systematic drinking. And now, when he found himself without a drinking "collective", he began to drink on his own, because the body still required alcohol, which he was very used to over the previous 4 years.
When I realized that we had problems with alcohol, it turned out that we were expecting a baby. I was sure that this would make my husband take his head. He soberly kept repeating that he was looking for work, he wanted to start his own business, then go into politics, then write a dissertation ... But, neither the birth of a child, nor my persuasion could make him refuse the bottle.
6 Ways to Wean Your Husband to Drink and Their Results
On maternity leave, I was able to work fully. Despite the fact that I managed to put aside some savings, the money was still not fully enough. Parents helped, tried to save ... But, sometimes, if she didn’t have time to hide the money, Sasha silently took it for another bottle. If he didn’t find money at home, he went out to drink with local drunks. When the situation with money became critical, and my cup of shame overflowed (it’s a shame to look my neighbors in the eye), I decided to act. Tried 6 different ways.
In the end, none of the tried methods turned out to be perfect.
When Proven Methods Didn't Help Alcoholism
After we were disappointed in coding and the treatment in the hospital gave only a temporary effect, the question arose before me: accept, leave, or try to fight further. Remembering what path we have already traveled and how much I have tried over the past 2.5 years, I decided that it would be wrong to give up. I set myself up so that it became a matter of principle - to return to myself the husband with whom I fell in love. In addition, the child is almost 1.5 years old and will soon begin to understand everything (and I would not really want my son to see a drunk dad or, God forbid, take an example from him in the future). I began to decide what to do next and, to be honest, the case helped me . My parents lived in another city and said that a place in one of the companies had become vacant and there was an opportunity to arrange me there. Mom said that she would look after her son, and I can already go to work after the decree. I was very happy. Accordingly, it was necessary to move.
Just a month after that, we moved over 300 km. from your home. At first, they could not even dream of a rented apartment - they lived with my parents. The change of residence somehow magically affected her husband. Maybe because after the hospital he just started drinking again and did not have time to get involved, or maybe he had the opportunity to prove himself ... My dad is an excellent carpenter and earns money from it. Immediately on the day of arrival, he asked Sasha to help him with something simple. They agreed that until the husband finds a job, he will study carpentry.
As a result, for 2.5 years we have not had any problems with alcohol. We managed to buy even a small, but our own apartment. I work, Sasha and my father expanded the business - now the father only controls the employees, and the husband has become the leader. As for alcohol, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't any at all. But, the bottle is taken out of the bar only on holidays.
A few tips on how to still save a family if the husband is an alcoholic
I can say that I was somewhat lucky. When I read the real stories of my "friends in misfortune", I understand that Sasha was a quiet alcoholic. He was never drunk, never raised his hand to me and did not take things out of the house (not counting the money that I did not have time to hide). Maybe that's why we managed to deal with the problem. As for my advice, so to speak, from personal experience, there are not many of them.
- Do not despair. Only after trying all the methods, you can say that you did everything to save the family. If you decide to stay with your husband, fight for him.
- Love will conquer everything. Instead of accusations, quarrels and scandals, try to understand that perhaps the husband was just unlucky to be addicted, and your task, as a loving wife, is to help solve this problem.
- In sickness and health. Alcoholism is a disease. You don't try to leave your husband every time he has the flu or diarrhea. Yes, alcoholism is a more serious disease, but it is treated. If you have sworn to stay with your husband in sickness and health, keep your vow no matter what.
We were helped by a change of residence. Try it too. Who knows, maybe this method will become new in solving the problem of alcoholism for many. Although, I sometimes think that it's just too delayed the effect of some of the other methods I've tried before. In any case, it's good that I tried everything.
Often friends and wives of alcoholics turn to our site. If a husband drinks, wives often live in a spectrum of experiences from "how to help your husband" to "leave or not." If you have an alcoholic husband, and such experiences are close to you, you should read this section. The problem of living with an alcoholic husband can open up to you in a completely unexpected way.
This section is based on the excellent book by the leading specialist in this field, the psychotherapist, "Addiction: A Family Disease".
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